Somewhere In An Underground Hideout With Bad Plumbing

“Ugh! Ack! Mmph!”

“So, you gonna tell me where your boss is hiding his cocaine supplies?” the Punisher asked, cracking his knuckles. The spit, followed by blood on his shoes, answered his question clearly. Sighing, he tightened his gloves with their steel knuckles attachments and drove another fist into the mobster’s face.

This time the scumbag didn’t even make a noise. The only sound was of his teeth scraping one another in his mouth as the fist forcibly moved them together, followed by his blood spattering against the floor. A weak moan escaped his bruise-ladden mouth as he slinked down in his tight bindings on the chair he was tied to.

“You know, I went through a lot of trouble in planning that hit on the drug house you worked at,” the Punisher explained, scowling down at his captured prisoner. “Blocking all the exits, figuring out the guard schedule, finding out the number of people inside, planning out all entryways, incorporating every possibly thought out Plan B you can think of. All leading up to one survivor to interrogate, which just happens to be you. Aren’t you lucky?”

“G-go to... t-to hell...” the mobster grunted, a mix of saliva and blood leaking out of the corner of his mouth.

Still with an unamused expression on his face, the Punisher pulled out his glock and pushed the barrel right up against the mobster’s forehead. “Maybe all those times with me hitting your head has given you brain damage, because you don’t seem to understand me. Unless you tell me what I need to know, you die.”

A chuckle that sounded more like a cough came from the mobster’s mouth. “You won’t kill me. You and the rest of you pussies dressed in spandex won’t ever do it.”

The butt of the handgun slammed against the mobster’s right temple, causing a whirlwind of stars to enter his quickly fading vision. Blinking rapidly to clear his sight, he found the glock was now being shoved directly in between his eyes–the Punisher’s scowling face right behind it.

“First off, I just killed all your buddies. Killing you will just be dumping another body atop the already stinking pile of human scum. Secondly, I don’t wear spandex. This is full body armor. And thirdly...” The Punisher smiled. It wasn’t a joyful smile, nor a sadistic one. No, it was just creepy, fear inducing, crap-in-your-pants-from-terror smile of a madman with a gun and finger itchy enough to pull the trigger. “I don’t like you.”

“Oh Jesus...” The mobster gulped, his lower lip quivering. “Down by the docks! The cocaine supplies are on an abandoned boat! The one with the green flag at the top! That’s all I know, I swear to God!”

“Good,” the Punisher said, standing back up from his kneeled position. Still with the barrel pressed firmly against the mobster’s skin, the Punisher said, “Now, for your helpful service, I’m going to–”

A knock on the steel reinforced doors to his secret hideout alerted the Punisher’s attention. Furrowing his brow, he ignored his prisoner for a moment to sneak to his front door. Barely making a noise as he made his way closer to the still knocking door, the Punisher threw his back against the wall and stared intently on the handle.

Holding his gun up high in right hand, with the other he reached over ever so slowly for the handle. Just as his hand brushed the handle’s surface, he pushed downward and pulled back, opening the door. Jumping to the left with his right hand pointed out holding his gun while he used the door to block the left part of his body, the Punisher shouted, “Freeze!”

Beyond his doorway was what was best described as a creature from the most girlish annals of mythology. A unicorn with wings. He couldn’t have been kidding himself even if he tried. There was literally a pristine white unicorn with big, feathery wings at his doorstep. And just to complete the look, it had a multihued, translucent mane that seemed to wave in some nonexistent breeze.

They both stared at each other in silent regards. One looking with curiosity, the other with complete shock. Finally, the winged unicorn cleared its voice and said, “Um... sorry to bother you at such a time like this, but I could really be using your assistance right now.”

“... Huh?” the Punisher said, his jaw still hanging open for what felt like a good minute. The first thing that registered in his mind was that the creature was female. The second thing was that it was wearing a crown. So it was a royal unicorn/pegasus thing.

“Look, I know this may be on short notice for you, but I need your help,” the creature said, shrugging its shoulders. “This portal was supposed to bring me to the most prepared person in the multiverse that can handle the impending problem I am in.”

“And that would be...?”

“From numerous reports of the guards, changelings have been spotted at the border of Canterlot. I suspect Chrysalis is planning another invasion on the city. That, and the powerful portal spell I sensed from in the direction where her camp is supposedly at, gave me enough insight to know another attack from her is imminent.”

“Wait... okay, hold up,” the Punisher said, waving his hand and shaking his head slightly. “You lost me at changelings and Canterlot.”

The creature rolled her eyes and rested a hoof against her forehead. “Listen, I can explain later. All you need to know is that a bunch of ‘bad guys’ are about to invade my kingdom, and they recently used a spell to summon from another world the best whatever they want to come and destroy me. Which is why I used a similar spell to get the one person from the entire multiverse that can take the person they summoned out of commission.”

“Wow, the multiverse thinks that highly of me?” the Punisher asked rhetorically, rubbing his chin as a small smirk flashed briefly on his face. It wasn’t everyday that a unicorn appeared at his doorstep, so he decided to humor her. “What I’m still trying to grasp is why you’re a talking unicorn with wings. Not every day one of those knocks on my door.”

“Alicorn is the correct term. But you can just call me Princess Celestia,” she explained. “But what I really need is help right now. I must protect my kingdom from all harm, including the type this new challenger Chrysalis has summoned will bring.”

“Who is this challenger anyway?” the Punisher asked, folding his large, muscular arms over the white skull that was predominantly his symbol for all his fashion wear.

“I did not get specifics. But he is of great power. Not mentally, anyhow. All I got from that was something about MacGyver and how great mayonnaise is on hot dogs.”

“Wait. There’s only one person I know who enjoys that condiment on their hot dogs.” The Punisher frowned, taking in a deep breath and sighing slowly. “It’s Deadpool.”

“You know him?” Celestia asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Teamed up and challenged a few times. On and off friends or enemies. Depends who he’s working for, and what he feels like doing,” the Punisher said, his frown only deepening to newly disappointed levels. “We last met on a sour note when I shoved a shotgun up his ass and pulled the trigger.”

“You did... what?” Celestia asked, a face mixed with disgust, revulsion, and horror overtaking her face.

“I’ll explain on the way,” the Punisher said, glancing over his shoulder back at his prisoner. “Hey, why don’t I meet you up? I got some... business to attend to real quick.”

“But of course. The portal is still open, but I do suggest you be quick,” Celestia said, just as the Punisher slammed the door in her face.

“I will be,” the Punisher muttered, walking back to the mobster that was staring wide eyed at the portal and conversation with the mythical beast. Once he was within a foot’s limit, the Punisher said, “Anyway, back to our previous conversation. Now I’m going to kill you. Make sure you keep my seat in Hell comfortable. Yada, yada, yada, last pre-mortem one-liner, and– ”

One gunshot wound to the head and hasty packing later and the Punisher was good to go. Lugging over his shoulder a duffel bag filled to the brim with weapons of all sorts of deadliness, the Punisher stepped over the fresh corpse and made his way to the door.

“Yeah, just going over to help save the kingdom of a talking alicorn princess from Deadpool,” he said to himself, checking over his shoulder at his duffel bag. “I hope I packed enough ammo.”