Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website

by RainbowBob

First published 25th of July, 2013

Trying to spice up Celestia's love life, Luna signs her up on a dating website. Now Celestia has to go on a series of dates with other immortals. This should end nicely.

Tired of Luna's constant nagging, Celestia agrees to give internet dating a try. Using the website www.notforeveralone.com, Luna helps Celestia go on dates with potential immortal suitors. Shouldn't be too hard to find true love, right?

You can make a suggestion for any immortal across any manner of genre or fiction for Celestia to date next. Just make sure they're immortal for it to work.

Updates every Tuesday and Friday.

Guest chapters for immortals I have not covered are welcome, since I won't be able to write about every suggestion someone has. Note that all guest chapters are non-canon from the main story, so there is a bit of leeway to them. Talk to me over PM's for any further discussion.

Thanks to my editors The Ponytrician and Garnot for all their help!

Cover art from the hilarious tumblr you all should check out, ~Letters For Celestia~

Chapter 1: Let's Get Started!

“Come on, Tia, I’m sure you’ll love it!”

“No way, Luna! I’m not going to use it, and that’s final!”

“Oh, come on! Everypony is doing it! What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I don’t want to do it with you!”

“What? I’m just helping! You wouldn’t be able to pull it off without the assistance of my skilled hooves.”

Celestia looked up from the computer screen she was just staring at, a hard-pressed scowl on her face. “I can type just fine, thank you very much.”

Luna rolled her eyes and shoved Celestia to one side, her hooves working in a flurry of rapid click-clacks upon the keyboard. “It takes you all of five minutes just to type a single sentence, Tia. Move aside and let a professional show you how it’s done.”

Celestia glanced down at her hooves. “How are you even able to type so quickly with hooves?”

“It’s something called skill. Learn it sometime.”

The frown lines on Celestia’s forehead deepened. “Hey, no need to get smart with me. Who’s the older sister here?”

“Who’s the younger sister signing her older sister up on an online dating website?” Luna asked, turning back to Celestia with a smug grin. “That would be me.”

“I don’t even want to use this site!” Celestia swiveled around on her chair, turning her back to Luna. “If it wasn’t for your constant nagging, I never would have agreed to this!”

The sounds of keys clicking slowed momentarily. "Tia, sister, I love you dearly, but face it: you're lonely." Luna's intent stare never left the screen, and the sound of hooves striking keys resumed as quickly as it faltered. "Everypony needs a little bit of a love life; and yours has been nonexistent since this kingdom began."

“I’ve... just had more important things to do than pursue a relationship,” Celestia huffed, glancing over her shoulder, trying to get a glimpse of what Luna was typing.

“Which is why you have Twilight and myself here to take some of that load off of your back,” Luna said. “You need to live a little. What’s the point of being immortal if you can’t even enjoy your elongated life?”

“Hey, I’ve had plenty of enjoyment!”

"'Professional courtesans' don't count," Luna stated. She leaned back in her chair, critically eyeing her work so far, much like an artist might survey their latest masterpiece.

“Why can’t I just go into a bar and meet ponies normally?”

“Because you’re a princess, and any potential suitor would be intimidated as Tartarus to date you,” Luna pointed out. “Plus, there’s always the factor of them dying soon enough. And we all know how well you take losing loved ones.”

Now it was Celestia’s turn to roll her eyes. “I am no simple filly, Luna. I can handle death just fine.”

“Then please explain to me why you cried for nearly five years when your pet hamster died?” Luna asked with an amused expression on her face. “This would also explain why you got an immortal animal such as a phoenix as a pet, correct?”

Blushing slightly, Celestia rubbed her brow with a hoof and muttered, “Listen, let’s just get this over with, okay? If you really want me to try out this... immortal dating site, then fine, I’ll humor you.”

Luna clapped her hooves together in joy. “Wonderful! You’re just going to love what I did for your profile page!”

Celestia peered over Luna's shoulder at the page on the screen. “Why did you put my age as five-hundred and twenty-six years old?" she asked, arching an eyebrow. “I thought this was a dating website for immortals, so why should age matter?”

Luna shrugged. “Well, just because you’re old, doesn’t mean you have to say how old. This way you have a better chance with the younger immortals.”

“I think I’d have a better chance on a site that isn’t called notforeveralone.com,” Celestia deadpanned, her stomach knotting tightly at the prospect of continuing further with this charade.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, Tia,” Luna replied, scrolling down for more of Celestia’s profile to be shown.

Suddenly, a furious blush appeared on Celestia’s face as her eyes opened wide. “L-Luna, why are you using that picture?”

Luna’s eyes squinted as she stared at the profile picture. “What? It shows you off well enough.”

“It’s completely demeaning and utterly disregards the meaning of class!” Celestia said, her blush only growing stronger the longer she stared at the picture. “It’s on the verge of being pornographic. Where did you even get a picture of me dressed in… in... that? Also, how am I even able to stretch that far?”

“Oh, you ate too much rum cake at a Hearth’s Warming Eve party, and the outfit just somehow happened to be on hoof,” Luna giggled, egging Celestia on further. “Where somepony got a camera I’ll never know.”

Biting back a sharp retort, Celestia just glanced back at the screen to see what else Luna had written. “Let’s see... at least you got my hobbies right. Long walks on the beach, trying different flavored teas, getting my freak on with anyo–what the heck?”

“Oh, that's standard for profiles on this site. It'll attract more interest and make sure potential dates know you are open to suggestions,” Luna said dismissively, struggling to contain her laughter at the sight of Celestia’s jaw hanging wide open.

“This makes me look like a slut!”

“No, the picture does. The writing just further cements that.”

“You are so going to pay for this,” Celestia said through gritted teeth.

Pointing a hoof at the remainder of the bio page, Luna said, “No, I’m going to pay for this.”

“Oh... ugh... disgusting... shameful and... kind of sexy,” Celestia muttered, scrolling down to examine more of Luna’s hoofwork.

“Well, Tia, what do you think?” Luna asked with a huge grin on her face, practically bouncing in her seat.

“Well... you portray me as easy, but other than that... you got me down pretty well,” Celestia replied, tapping a hoof to her chin in thought. “Though I don’t think anyone is going to go with it. I mean, what’s so great about me?”

“Other than being a successful benevolent leader to a country and ruling it to prosperity, along with being a kind and amazing sister, then I’m not sure?” Luna asked, shooting a mischievous smile at Celestia. “Maybe it’s your copious posterior?”

“H-hey, my ass isn’t that big!” Celestia objected.

“Whatever you say, sister,” Luna giggled, giving Celestia’s profile one last look over to make sure it was good to go. “Just try to cut back on the sugary pastries, okay? You are trying to look appealing, you know.”

“I’ll lose weight once you get out of the castle and get some sun sometime,” Celestia said, crossing her forelegs with a devious smile on her face.

“...Point taken,” Luna said, clicking the submit button and leaning back in her chair in a satisfied stretch. “And done. Now all we got to do is sit back, relax, and most importantly, wait. Then the suitors will be rolling in.”

“Um, Luna, are you sure this is going to work out?” Celestia asked, her smile quickly fading to a dread-filled frown. “I haven’t been on an actual date in centuries. Much less with actual immortals.”

“It’ll be fine, Tia,” Luna said with a wave of her hoof. “For each date we’ll start off with something simple, like dinner. If you don’t like them, then you can always move onto the next one. There’s plenty of people to choose from.”

“Actually... how many immortals are in Equestria, anyway?” Celestia asked, the question finally dawning on her. “I know there couldn’t be too many to provide the need to make an actual website to create relationships with one another.”

“Well duh, of course there aren’t many immortals in Equestria,” Luna said. “This website runs on a multidimensional transit. Immortals from across dimensions regularly use this site for their needs.”

“So you’re saying immortals anywhere, even across different dimensions, could be my potential dates?” Celestia asked, her stomach sinking.

“Indeed. It helps in adding more variety. Plus, it increases your chance of getting some.” Suddenly, dinging noises could be heard from the computer monitor. Notifications were going off rapidly, a growing number increasing in the inbox. “And looks like that variety is paying off!” Luna laughed, opening up the mailbox to show all the new messages.

“A-all these people want to be my date?” Celestia asked, her throat suddenly dry at the prospect of so many suitors choosing her to go on a date with.

“They certainly do! I told you that photo and bio description would help!” Luna did a long whistle as the messages kept on stacking up, going to the triple digits. “Whoa, I guess the photo really was that suggestive.”

“What are we going to do now?” Celestia asked, the quickly growing number causing a cold sweat on the back of her neck. “I can deal with politics, social mannerism, and monthly invasions of the kingdom, but I have no idea how to handle internet dating!”

“Listen, Tia, just relax,” Luna tried to assure her, patting her sister’s shoulder with a gentle hoof. “Everything will be fine, and then you’ll finally meet the love of your life and get out of the castle every once in a while. You know, to go on dates and other romantic nonsense.”

“Wait a minute...” Celestia started, looking hard at her sister. “Is the only reason you wanted me to do internet dating is because you want the castle to yourself?”

“Uh... hey, look!” Luna said, drawing Celestia’s attention to the screen. “Why don’t we just start out with the first guy who messaged you and go on from there. At least one of these people will be your potential partner for never-ending life.”

“Okay, fine,” Celestia grunted, scooting up closer to the screen to see who was her first date. “But just because I’m going to be out on dates, it doesn’t mean you can throw wild parties in the castle.”

“Of course, dear sister,” Luna lied, clicking on the first message so the messager’s profile popped up.

Both sisters looked at the profile with wide eyes, a look of disbelief etched on their faces. “You got to be kidding me...” Celestia muttered.

“Well, that certainly is, uh, strange,” Luna said, on equal terms with Celestia’s level of confusion. “I certainly did not see that coming, that’s for sure.”

“So... do I actually go through with it?” Celestia asked.

“I guess? I mean, it’s only a first date. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU4BanL4yiU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaHmUy9dgS8

Chapter 2: Date Numero Uno

“I can’t believe I agreed to do this.” Celestia sighed, staring dejectedly at the ground beneath her hooves.

“Oh, come on, Tia. It won’t be so bad,” Luna attempted to assure her older sister with a playful nudge on the shoulder. “Besides, it’s just a first date. No big deal.”

“It is a big deal if my first date is with him, of all ponies,” Celestia said through gritted teeth, glaring through the windows of the restaurant to get a look at her potential suitor. “Why did we choose him?”

“Because he was the first in the inbox. Plus, he’s cute.”

“And extremely evil,” Celestia reminded her.

Luna shrugged. “It said on his profile page that he’s reformed. If it can happen with Discord, it could happen with anypony.”

“Or, this could be a plot of his to ambush me and take over all of Equestria.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I think if he had some insidious plot to take over Equestria, it probably wouldn’t involve him asking you out to dinner. What, is he going to poison your food or something?”

“That’s always a possibility,” Celestia mused.

“And you call me childish,” Luna said, shaking her head. “Come on, you have the stuff to strut proudly in. Now, there’s an eager date inside that isn’t too bad looking. My advice is just go with it.”

Looking back to her sister, Celestia nodded, a small smile appearing on her face. “Thanks. That really helps.” She gave Luna a quick hug. “I guess I’m just getting first-date jitters is all.”

Luna grinned broadly. “Then get in there and show this guy how the Sun Princess of Equestria rolls!” With a firm spank on Celestia’s ass, Luna shoved her sister through the doors of the restaurant. Celestia gave out a small eep and fell on the floor inside in a very undignified manner.

Dusting off her hooves, Luna turned around and made her way back to the castle. “Finally, time to throw that Street Fighter tournament I’ve been dying to try out.”

Picking herself up, Celestia blushed and dusted off her dress, noticing the stares she was getting from the other patrons, along with some barely-suppressed snickering. Standing there awkwardly, she searched desperately for the table where her date was waiting. Finally spotting the table, she gulped and made her way there.

Sitting down at the table, she brushed a lock of her mane out of her face and said, “Greetings. So sorry I was late; you know how royal duties can get you held up.”

“Why, indeed I do,” Sombra said, a sharp toothed smile on his chiseled face. He was dressed as impeccably as ever, his tuxedo ironed so not a single wrinkle was visible, along with a white pressed dress shirt and red rose in his coat front pocket. His mane was brushed and styled to perfection, putting what most mares had to shame with its glossy waviness. “But it is a pleasure to meet with you once again, Celestia.”

“Oh, I’m sure it is,” Celestia said, tilting her head at her date. “It has been… what? Over a thousand years since we last met?”

“A thousand and twenty four years, but hey, who’s counting?” Sombra laughed, his blood red eyes showing off a glint of cheerful mirth. “Though I don’t think I left a good impression on you last time, did I?”

“Ruling an entire kingdom as a ruthless tyrant usually does that,” Celestia replied back.

“Hey now, ex-ruthless tyrant.” Sombra protested. “I gave up the evil king of shadows game long ago,” he assured her, trying to put her at ease with a devilishly handsome smile.

“Oh really?” Celestia asked, glancing at him from the corner of her eye as she took a sip from the glass of water. “And what game are you playing now then, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Not at all, my dear,” Sombra said, removing a business card from his pocket and levitating it towards her with his magic. “I am now a salestallion for timeshares.”

Glancing at the card, she arched an eyebrow when she noticed that he did indeed sell timeshares. “Wow, only slightly less evil than your last job.” They both shared a good laugh.

“Yeah, but hey, once you get regenerated from your horn in the middle of a frozen wasteland after being defeated by a baby dragon, you start to think back on the bad choices you’ve made,” Sombra said, shrugging his shoulders. “Being evil and a typical villain cliché didn’t appeal to me anymore. So I decided something more normal would finally make me happy.”

“And you think that dating me would be more normal?” Celestia asked, her once-hated enemy actually growing on her a bit.

“Well, more normal for an immortal, anyway,” Sombra said, that playful smirk still on his face. “Besides, once I heard you were on the market, there was no way that I couldn’t resist.”

“Oh, and why is that?” Celestia asked, leaning in closer with a grin on her face as well.

“Where do I begin?” Sombra asked, leaning in closer as well. “For a start, you’re quite beautiful and stunning. You are obviously a strong and independant mare, which I like. And best of all, you’re an intelligent and mature mare that is sure to make any future involvements with each other quite interesting. Do you wish for me to carry on?”

“Oh no, I think I’ve heard enough,” Celestia said, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks. “Why don’t we continue along with our date?” She made a gesture towards the menus. “Shall we?”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Sombra said, his smile never wavering.

“Hello?” Luna said into the receiver of her phone, answering it just as it rang while still leaning back in her chair.

“Luna, it’s me, Tia,” the voice at the other end of the line spoke. “The date did not end well at all!”

“What happened?” Luna asked, pausing her game with the tap of a button. “Also, where are you? I thought you would be home now?”

“No, I’m right outside Sombra’s apartment.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Luna said, sitting bolt upright, her mind racing to catch up on this turn of events. “You went over to his place? On the first date?”

“Well, I don’t know how these things work!” Celestia defended herself, her voice high and panicked. “Listen, can you just come over to pick me up?”

“Why can’t you just get the guards to do that? Or fly or teleport yourself here?”

“Because I don’t want the guards seeing me like... this,” Celestia muttered. “Also, my horn and wings are too sore for use.”

“Um... Tia, what exactly did you do at Sombra’s place?” Luna asked, dread filling her heart and perverted thoughts filling her mind.

“All I can say is that Sombra is a freak!” Celestia replied frantically. “His profile said nothing about that!”

“Okay, okay, just relax,” Luna said, getting out of her seat and making her way to the door. “I’m coming to pick you up.”

“Don’t forget to bring a towel and ice cubes. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down or walk properly for a week.”

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddpjRP7vB7c

Chapter 3: Date The Second

“Ugh... you have to be kidding me,” Celestia sighed, slumping down in her seat. “What type of date is nearly an hour late?”

She had already eaten her dinner, alone; along with her dessert, alone; and to finish it off, an entire bottle of wine, alone. Now she was just waiting for the check to arrive before leaving.

Suddenly, a great boom could be heard from outside, shaking the entire building and causing great cracks to race along the ceiling. The stricken roofing swiftly collapsed, the sound of settling dust and debris followed by a voice shouting, “The type of date who crashes through the ceiling, of course!”

From the hole in the roof fell a bipedal creature of a strange attire. Red and black jumpsuit with white slits for eyes and a plethora of weapons and pockets. Why someone would possibly need so many pockets, Celestia couldn’t begin to guess.

Dusting some drywall off his shoulder, Deadpool waved to his date and jumped in his seat, leaning over the table. “Oh, sorry about the wait up. You know how busy you can get when mutant ape lizard monsters suddenly spring up at work.”

Celestia blinked. “Um... are you serious?”

“Oh, and traffic. Whew, that’s the last time I interdimensional travel using a rental.” Leaning back in his chair with both feet kicked up on the table, he asked, “So, how was your night so far?”

“Um... Deadpool,” she said, remembering his name from his profile page, “I was alone here for nearly an hour. So... not the best of times.”

“Whoops,” Deadpool chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “Guess the time got away from me. On account of the mutant ape zombie people. That were attacking me.”

“Hey, I thought you said they were mutant ape lizard people...”

“Anyways–” Deadpool interrupted, picking up a menu and flipping through it. “They have any good grub to eat here? I already got stabbed through the stomach multiple times on the way over, so I’m just starved.”

“You were... stabbed in the stomach?” Celestia asked, glancing over the table to see if this was true. By the look of his shredded suit and the copious amounts of dripping blood, it must be.

“Oh, that was nothing compared to what happened to my colon,” Deadpool replied nonchalantly from behind the menu, tilting his chair so it leaned on its back legs. “Ooh, they have chimichangas!”

“Well, um, Deadpool, I was just about to leave, and...” Celestia really didn’t know what else to say. His arrival was completely random, his mannerisms were rude, plus, who wears an outfit like that? Definitely not good date material, that’s who.

“Hey, say no more. We can take this date to the streets!” Deadpool said, falling backwards in his chair to back-roll and flip into a standing position. Striking a heroic pose, he declared, “I promise you, this will be the best date ever!”

“Um… I was thinking I’d go back to the castle. To be honest, you’re starting to freak me out a bit, and I drank a lot of wine.” Celestia got up from her seat, a little lightheaded from the booze already kicking in. “Thanks anyways for… showing up, I guess.”

Celestia departed from the table, trotting briskly towards the exit while leaving Deadpool behind. But like any good hero… villain… mercenary… we’ll just go with that for now, Deadpool just doesn’t quit.

“Wait!” he called out, jumping to front flip off the table using his hands to land before the alcohol-infused princess. “We can still have a nice night. Wanna go for a moonlit walk through the park? A movie? An abandoned alleyway most likely filled with hobos I can beat up to impress you?”

“None of those sound really appealing…” Celestia tilted her head to the side and sized him up. “Also, how exactly are you immortal again?”

“Oh, I’m just impossible to kill, is all,” Deadpool gloated, showing off the wound he received previously which had turned to smooth… well, mostly healed skin. “My healing factor power makes me regenerate anything. Heck, I can cut my own head off and reattach it!” Deadpool pulled out a katana from the scabbard on his back. “Wanna see?”

“Uh… no thank you, I think I’m good. I’m just going to go home… and strangle a certain somepony for putting me through this.”

Celestia exited the restaurant, a migraine already forming through the buzz of booze that had descended upon her brain. The migraine only grew larger as Deadpool followed close behind her, walking in a confident swagger as if he owned the streets.

“Do you mind leaving me alone?” Celestia called over her shoulder, scowling at the troublesome… whatever he is.

“Very much so, but I tend to ignore that,” he replied, whistling a tune reminiscent of an annoying internet viral song related to Friday’s and late nights.

Muttering obscenities under her breath, Celestia quickened her pace to escape the red and black spandex-clad menace. Unfortunately, alcohol, plus the fact Deadpool had longer leg length, made it so he could keep up with her with no problem. “Do I have to call the Royal Guard?” she shouted to him, stumbling over a pothole in the street but continuing to walk nonetheless.

“No need, now that I’m here!” Deadpool said, catching up to walk beside her. “Just making sure you get home ‘aight.”

“I think I can handle getting back ‘aight,” she replied with a bit of contempt in her voice, scooting over away from him.

“Not with the threat of manbearpigs on the loose. Heard that they’re getting pretty antsy, so I’ll escort you back to make sure you’re safe,” he assured her, winking slyly. “As is the ‘gentlemanly’ and proper ‘to get some’ way to go.”

“Like you’d ever get so–” Celestia stopped in her tracks, eyes widening as she stared at the alleyway leading off the side of the road. Red eyes glowed in the darkness, along with grunts similar to a man, growls like that of a bear, and high pitched squeals of a pig.

From the shadows appeared a creature straight from the mind of someone tripping on bad LSD after reading some Lovecraft. It had half the body of a man, half of a bear, and another half of a pig. It basically amounted to a messed up monster with nice abs, half its body covered in hair and a snout and tail of a pig.

“Ah, it seems the manbearpig infestation I made up has proved fruitful,” Deadpool said, unsheathing a katana and drawing an Uzi clipped to his utility belt. “Don’t worry, princess, I got this covered!”

With a cry of heroic dedication to justice, Deadpool jumped at the manbearpig with his sword swinging and the Uzi spraying bullets everywhere. With a cry craving for the taste of the flesh of the idiotic, the manbearpig bit at Deadpool’s arm holding the katana, crunching through the bones, at the same time using his bear claw to rip the arm holding the Uzi right off Deadpool’s shoulder.

Staring back at Celestia with large amounts of blood squirting from the stump that was once his arm while his other was being used as chew toy by a made-up creature, Deadpool said, “You might want to call the cops. Or animal control. I’m not sure what jurisdiction this guy falls under.”

“I’ll… be sure to do that,” Celestia replied, slowly backing away as Deadpool attempted to use his dismembered arm as a club against the manbearpig.

Turning away from the sounds of Deadpool’s legs being ripped off, Celestia quickly made her way to the castle while muttering under her breath, “That’s it, I’m choosing the next date.”

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI2Ck2iSSBI&list=UUzEg0EWOETfhehmxIkFahPA

Chapter 4: Third Time's The Charm, Right?

“And then I said, ‘Short straw gets to rule the underworld!’ And wouldn’t you believe it, my bro Hades was the first to get it! You should’ve seen the look on his face! And guess what happened next?”

“What?” Celestia asked with a chuckle, cheeks red from laughter.

“I said, ‘You need a nightlight down there?’” The man laughed, slamming his fist heartily on the table, causing their silverware and several nearby tables to leap in the air.

Both of them laughed heartily at the end of his joke, the large man dressed in a golden-trimmed toga leaning back in his chair while Celestia continued to gaze at him with a flirtatious look in her eye.

“I must say, Zeus, this date is just going wonderfully,” Celestia said, a slight blush on her cheeks. “It seems that I made a better choice than my sister usually does for me on these dates.”

“You can’t go wrong with the God of the Sky,” Zeus said. “Along with the weather, law, order, fate, thunder, and all the other gods as well!” Zeus brushed a hand through his shining white hair, flashing her an Adonis-like smile. “But I don’t mean to brag. Tell me more about yourself, sweet buns.”

“Oh, I’m just Princess of Equestria,” Celestia answered, taking another sip of her wine. “Not as grand as all your titles, but I manage my kingdom well enough. Though I suppose managing an entire world like yourself would be much more difficult.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Zeus said with a roll of his eyes. “Especially with family on board.”

“Siblings, huh?” Celestia asked.

Zeus snickered. “And children. King of the Gods pretty much makes me responsible for the lot. Half of them are resentful of me, and the other half want me overthrown. It’s a full time job just keeping them from tearing each other’s throats out.”

“Wow, you sure do have a lot of responsibility on your hands.” Celestia smiled bashfully, refilling her wine glass. “I like a responsible man.”

Zeus’ smirk widened, the well-muscled god tugging at his snow-white beard. “Well then, I sure do like–”

“Whore!”

“Yes, but that wasn’t really my answer.” Zeus stared at Celestia’s wide-eyed face, then looked around. “Wait, who said that?”

“I did!” a voice called out from across the room. Glancing over, Zeus felt a cold sweat run down his back as he spotted the woman that had just walked through the restaurant doors.

“Oh shit, it’s her!” Zeus said, rising out of his seat and checking for the nearest exit available.

“Who exactly is her?” Celestia asked, getting up as well, as the woman made her way towards the pair.

“My–erm… sister, Hera,” Zeus said, turning away to make a run for it.

“Husband, what are you doing at this equine eating establishment?” Hera asked, facing Zeus with her hands on her hips. Even a head shorter than him, the elegant and beautiful goddess made Zeus take a step back in fear.

“Wait, didn’t you just say she was your sister?” Celestia asked, looking around Zeus’ side to stare at the fuming goddess.

“Um… yeah, she is,” Zeus said, twiddling his thumbs nervously as he was duly confronted on both ends by enraged immortals.

“Then how can she be… Ewwwwwwww,” Celestia gagged, quickly jumping to the disturbingly incestual conclusion. “That’s disgusting!”

“What’s disgusting is my husband committing adultery with a harlot,” Hera said, pushing Zeus to the side so she could stare down at Celestia with hate-filled eyes.

“What did you just call me?” Celestia asked, all intentions of leaving the restaurant vanishing at Hera’s words.

“Are your ears so filled with out-of-wedlock lust to properly hear me?” Hera crossed her arms and leaned downward so her and Celestia were eye to eye. “You are nothing but a lowlife harlot, two-bit hussy, opening-your-legs-wide floozy, all rolled up into a common whore.”

“...Oh no you didn’t!” Celestia shouted, taking a swing at Hera. The hoof slapped into her cheek, sending the goddess to the ground. But a vengeful hand managed to grab at Celestia’s mane, causing the mare to be painfully tugged to the ground as well. Now the two began tumbling along the floor, biting, scratching and punching each other, along with ripping each other’s hair out.

Zeus, standing off to one side, stared along with the rest of the inhabitants of the restaurant at the immortal battle going on in the middle of the room. Clapping his hands together, he called out, “Catfight! Place your bets right here!” Quickly a circle of stallions formed around the dueling goddesses, bits being thrown about and bets being placed on who the victor might be.

“Luna, pick me up.”

Luna sighed, shrugging the phone onto her shoulder into a more comfortable position as she acquired a plate full of junk food from the refrigerator, ready for her full night of video game action. “What happened this time?”

“I don’t want to mention it,” Celestia said, her voice muffled, like her mouth was full of something. “All I can say is that I’m missing three teeth, I have a black eye, I was kicked out of the restaurant for making a hole in the wall, and I won over a hundred bits.”

Groaning under her breath, Luna muttered, “I had better get half of that.”

“Bring an ice pack as well,” Celestia said before hanging up.

Closing her phone, Luna set her junk food down and stretched out her wings, knowing she was going to miss out on some Grand Theft Auto V again for her sister’s antics. “I’d definitely better get half of those bits for this shit.”

Author's Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQV4IWeqRkY&list=UUzEg0EWOETfhehmxIkFahPA

Chapter 5: Nope, Previous Date Definitely Wasn't The Charm

“So… um… you say you’re from out of town, correct?” Celestia asked her date.

A slimy green hand reached out and grabbed the tea kettle sitting between them. Lifting it up, a tentacle picked up the cup sitting before the figure and raised it so he could pour more tea into it. Taking a sip, he set down the tea kettle and cup back down on the table, drips of slime falling here and there.

“yES InDeED. i hAVe a FARm OuT iN tUScaNY wHERE i HoST NumerOUS WinE TAsTinG EvenTS FRoM mY OwN PrivATE stoCK. WOulD yOu CarE tO VIsiT SOmetIME In thE fUtuRE?” Cthulhu asked, adjusting his tie underneath the teeming mass of tentacles that made up the bottom of his face.

Truthfully, when Luna had mentioned that her next date was a bit on the strange side, Celestia had thought nothing of it. When she mentioned he was a god, Celestia grew a bit more worried, since her last godly experience didn’t go too well. However, who was she to judge from just one ruined date? When Luna said he was an Old God that existed from before the beginning of time, Celestia merely assumed that he’d have some interesting stories to tell.

Now that she was before him, Celestia had to hold back her utter disgust every five seconds. Whether it was his wretched, rotten skin that looked uncomfortably moist, the mass of tentacles on his face that resembled wriggling snakes, or even the dark look of complete and utter madness behind his eyes, Celestia couldn’t take much more of it. Though she had to admit that the dark blue pinstripe suit and lime green tie he wore went excellent together, and that top of the line Rolex on his wrist meant he had some money to throw around as well.

Gulping down some tea along with some vomit that had been traveling up her throat, Celestia managed to cough out, “I-I’d be delighted, Mr. Cthulhu.”

“Oh PlEAsE, CaLL mE CTHULHU, DARK GOD OF THE END OF TIMES, BRINGER OF DOOM AND DESTRUCTION, LORD OF VIOLENCE AND INSANITY, OLD ONE OF THE DARK ONES AND LEADER OF THE MAD, THE ONE WHOSE VERY NAME STRIKES DESPAIR IN THE HEARTS OF MORTALS!” Reaching out for a crumpet with a tentacle, the treat was quickly swallowed by the swarm of slimy appendages on his face. “oR Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn FOr sHOrt.”

“Um… good to note,” Celestia said, her hoof trembling as she raised her tea cup to her lips. Not even the calming taste of jasmine with mint leaves could soothe her frayed nerves. Once again, Celestia blamed Luna for this mess. Good business owner and mature gentleman her ass. Celestia was pretty sure Cthulhu was older than the stars, and far from anything gentle or even man related.

“MAy i INTereSt yoU In a TEaCaKE?” Cthulhu asked. He held out said treat with one of his tentacles, the sugary cake once a delightful looking snack with pink frosting. Now it was green, green, and ugh, even greener, thanks to Cthulhu’s slime. “thEy’RE qUITe DeliCIoUs. bEsT iN TOwn, iN FaCT.”

Celestia smiled and screamed silently in her mouth “I would love one, but I’m on a strict no-sweets diet,” she said. Along with ‘no-slime-from-an-elder-god’ diet as well.

“SuCH a sHaME THeN. YoU aRe a PeRFECtly gOOd LoOkInG, inDEpENDent WOmaN, aNd SOmeThINg aS tRivIaL As weIghT ShOULdn’T DictATE yoUR LiFE.” Cthulhu leaned across the table, his tentacles taking the form of small hearts across hideous facade. “YOu’re ALreADy BEauTiFUl.”

Celestia stopped mid-sip, her jaw falling open slightly. It wasn’t every day a god from before the start of time said she was beautiful. Much less one who was beginning to look a lot less horrific, terror-inducing ugly and more kind and considerate.

Giggling, Celestia tried to hide her blush behind a hoof. “Aww, you probably say that to all the pony princesses.”

Cthulhu chuckled, sitting back nonchalantly in his seat with a wink directed to her. “I mIghT, BuT thOSe wORdS hAVe NevER mEANt anYTHing UntiL nOW.”

“Now you’re just making me blush,” Celestia said, unable to hold back her insatiable giggling. Her cheeks were flushed, and a certain spark lit up her eyes as she stared at Cthulhu.

Getting up from his seat, Cthulhu offered his skeletal, bony hand to her. “wOUld yOu caRE tO Go oN a WaLK, celESTiA? iT’s A pErFECt afTerNooN fOr a StroLL.”

Reaching out her hoof to grab ahold of his slimy appendage, Celestia fought back a shudder and said, “I would be delighted to.”

“I hate you so much right now,” Celestia muttered, groaning into her pillow.

“How was I supposed to know?” Luna shouted from at the door.

Celestia looked up from beneath her pillow and stared at Luna with unbridled loathing. “I would think my own sister would take the time to at least research some of the dates I go on!”

Luna dodged a pillow Celestia threw, ducking down as even more items were hurled at her. “Once again, how was I supposed to know he was married? Much less to an even worse abomination than himself?”

“She nearly destroyed Equestria when she found out about us!” Celestia said. “It’s just like with Zeus all over again! At this rate, others will begin to think I’m a hussy!”

“Sister, please, now you’re just overreacting.” Luna stifled a laugh, silently closing the door to Celestia’s room before calling out, “Everyone already thinks that!”

Celestia threw a throwing star that stuck itself uselessly to her door. Sighing, Celestia got up from her bed and made her way to the computer at her desk, www.notforeveralone.com still the open browser. Sighing, Celestia flipped through a couple pages of potential dates, her eyes sifting through them rapidly.

“Okay, this time I get to decide who my next date will be.” Her eyes widened, and a smile soon broke out as she clicked on her potential dating partner profile. “And it looks like we have a winner. At least this one I know won’t have any spouses out for my neck… hopefully.”

Chapter 6: Onward To A New Future... Hopefully

“You know… you looked much smaller on your profile picture,” Celestia mentioned. She giggled nervously, taking an awkward sip from her wine glass. Coughing, she fanned herself with a napkin. “And redder, too.”

Optimus Prime shrugged, delicately picking up his menu. He was seated awkwardly, practically leaning over crosslegged just so he wouldn’t destroy the table or ceiling where they sat. “Appearances can be deceiving. There’s always more than meets the eye.”

Celestia nodded, taking another few gulps from what was her third glass of wine that evening. “Sorry that I’m a bit on edge tonight, Mr. Prime. I’ve never… well, dated a robot before.”

“I prefer the term Autobot or Cybertronian, if you don’t mind,” Optimus said, reaching down and daintily picking up his cup of motor oil. After downing it in one sip, Optimus twiddled his thumbs. “So, Celestia, tell me about yourself.”

“Oh, I’m nothing special. Just another pony princess in a kingdom filled with them,” Celestia said, chuckling lightly. “We get the odd villain or disaster here and there, but overall it’s relatively peaceful. What about you, Mr. Prime? How goes leading your rob—er, Autobot... people?”

Optimus shrugged, the robotic titan’s gaze going off into the distance. “Oh, it’s a struggle alright, but a worthy one. My people have lost their homeworld, many friends, and most of what they cherished, all because of a destructive civil war that split our planet in two. It hasn’t always been easy, and more than one time all hope seemed lost, but we pulled through like we always do. It’s only when I fight for my friends and fellow soldiers that I find the strength to make it through each day.”

“Wow… that’s… that’s amazing,” Celestia said, her eyes filled with awe at the staggering visage of her date. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to live through such turmoil on such a daily basis.”

Sighing, Optimus said, “Sometimes I can’t either. Like I said, it isn’t easy, but as long as I have hope for a better future for the Autobots, I fight on.” He turned his attention to Celestia, those brilliantly shining blue eyes of his captivating her soul. “Just as you do for your people, Celestia. Our struggles may not be the same, but within both of us are great leaders who will do whatever it takes to defend justice and what they stand for.”

At that moment, Celestia couldn’t help but blush. Everything was perfect. Heck, she didn’t even mind he was a robot or Autobot or whatever. So far, he was the most captivating and perfect immortal she had met thus far on the site.

Of course, it had to be ruined.

The ceiling exploded, drywall and bits of the roof falling everywhere as the restaurant filled with smoke and dust. Another giant being of metal and might fell into the restaurant, already making a grab at Optimus.

“So, Prime, this is where I find you?” Megatron jeered, the Decepticon lead commander lifting his arch-rival up by the neck with one hand. Contrasting Optimus’ blue and red were Megatron’s dark purple and puke green colors, which gave the Transformer a sinister appearance. That, and the giant laser cannon attached to his arm, the muzzle currently pointed at Optimus’ face. “On a date with this insignificant lower life-form? Ha, it’d be expected someone as foolish as you would have romantic relations with such vermin!”

Optimus barely managed to get out of the cannonfire from Megatron’s blaster by punching his arm. The shot caused a section of the floor close to Celestia to ignite in a fiery blaze. Landing another blow against Megatron’s chest plate, Optimus asked, “How did you even find us here, Megatron?”

Megatron backed up a few steps, smiling slyly as he trained his cannon on Optimus. Pointing with his other hand at Celestia, he said, “That one!”

“Who, me?” Celestia asked.

“No, the stupid one behind you!”

Looking over her shoulder, Celestia groaned. “Oh, for the love of…”

“Heya there, sunny buns!” Deadpool said. This time he wore a bowtie with his usual spandex attire, holding out a box of chocolates and flowers to Celestia. “I thought I’d bring along some gifts for our date tonight!”

“Deadpool, we are not dating!” Celestia hissed under her breath. “Besides, tonight I’m with Optimus, not you! We went on one date, and you stood me up for most of the night!”

Glancing over Celestia’s shoulder, Deadpool whistled. “Well, looks like your current date is too busy beating the snot out of his boyfriend.”

Turning to where Deadpool was staring, Celestia saw the incredibly embarrassing spectacle of Optimus and Megatron punching and throwing each other around the restaurant, completely decimating the place.

“Optimus, can you please stop fighting Megatron so we can continue our date?” Celestia called out.

Optimus shoved Megatron off himself and then followed by pile-driving his foe’s face into the floor repeatedly. Stopping for a moment, he shouted, “I’m a bit busy right now! Call me!” Optimus returned to introducing Megatron’s face to the floor over and over and over again.

Celestia sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Great! Even when they’re not married, there’s someone else stealing me away from them!”

“There’s always me,” Deadpool reminded her, smiling cheerfully beneath his mask.

Staring at Deadpool, then back to the box of chocolates and flowers in his hands, then back at Deadpool again, Celestia sighed. Snatching the box of chocolates to withdraw a sugary treat from within, she said, “We’re going to the movies and watch something cheesy and filled with explosions. You’ll buy me as much candy as I can eat. Understood?”

Deadpool stretched out his bowtie and nodded. “Ooh, can we make out as well?”

“Only if you can sneak this in with us,” Celestia said, levitating him a wine bottle that had somehow survived falling on the floor.

As Celestia departed another restaurant she had inadvertently helped destroy, Deadpool hobbled close behind with an awkward jump in his step.

“Sure do hope they have sanitation wipes at the movie theater!”

Chapter 7: Grey And Going On High

Celestia coughed, covering her mouth with a napkin. “Ugh, do you always have to smoke? We’re on a date, you know?”

Gandalf looked up from his menu, a single puff of smoke from his long stem pipe escaping his lips. “Oh, terribly sorry my dear; how impolite of me.” He removed the pipe from his lips and offered it to Celestia. “Would you like a puff?”

“Um… no thanks,” Celestia declined, returning to her menu with a sigh. Taking a glance to the right, Celestia winced slightly at her surroundings. They were seated in a dingy bar with a dirty table to eat at and even dirtier folks eyeballing them. “Well, I guess choosing a restaurant that freely allows smoking for a date wasn’t the best of ideas.”

Gandalf shrugged in response, drumming his fingers on their table in thought. He eyed their unresponsive waitress with a mildly disapproving glare. “Sometimes what is thought of as best is not really what best entails. What might appear the worst choice of paths turns out to be the better one after we have travelled down it.”

Celestia blinked in surprise, her jaw dropping slightly. “Wow, that is… oddly astute.”

The wizened wizard smiled. He exhaled a puff of smoke, which shaped itself into a graceful flying dragon that spewed smoke from its jaws. “They do not call me Gandalf the Wise for nothing. Even an immortal who has seen ages pass and empires rise and fall can learn something new, or perhaps relearn something they had forgotten. Often it makes for interesting experiences in dull times.”

“Indeed, Mr. Gandalf, indeed.” The two timeless beings shared a relaxed grin with one another. She watched him blow yet more smoke from his pipe, the sight of the vapour twisting itself into rings and other fantastical shapes capturing all of her attention. Humming under her breath in contemplation, Celestia nodded to herself before extending her hoof. “The way you smoke your pipe is quite... interesting, Gandalf. If it is alright with you, I think I’d like to take you up on that offer of a puff. As you said, it seems like a good time to learn something new.”

A smile danced across his face, bringing a twinkle to his eyes. “Trying something new can lead to a wondrous experience,” Gandalf replied, handing the pipe to Celestia. “Along with the fact that this is a very relaxing substance.”

Licking her lips, Celestia closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She held the smoke deep inside her before coughing and hacking while desperately trying to draw in fresh air. “Ugh… *cough*… is this what tobacco tastes like?”

Gandalf arched a brow. “Who said anything about tobacco?”

“Oh, mare, I am sooooooooooo fucked,” Celestia muttered before breaking down in another bout of giggles.

Luna sighed, dragging her sister by the tail in the dead of night along an abandoned city street. “I can’t believe you did drugs, Tia. You, of all the ponies in Equestria, experimenting in illegal narcotics! Do you have any shame? Or, more importantly, did anyone see you while you were ‘tripping out’?”

Celestia shook her head, bursting into more laughter while Luna dragged her body over yet another pothole. “Nah, mare, it was cool. That grey dude… Gandhi… or something. He was hella cool.” Celestia began waving her hooves erratically in the air. “He had some, like, really good stuff, and we were all over that stuff, sis, all over it. Then we made out for a while. Then I tried to call a pizza place for delivery, but you came instead.” Celestia looked over her shoulder at Luna and smirked. “You’re a pizza delivery princess dude pony… dude, now?”

Luna shook her head and groaned. “Sheesh, you sound worse than when you’re drunk. No, you merely misdialed and got my number instead. Now I’m going to get you back to the castle before the Equestrian media has a field day over this.”

“Do we, like, have pizza at the castle?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, Tia, we have pizza.”

“Whoo-hoo, this party don’t stop tonight, we’re gonna rock it out!” Celestia cheered, pumping her hooves in the air. “Pizza, princess, pony, parties, and puppies! We gotta get some puppies, Lulu! That’d be rad, right?”

Luna ignored Celestia’s question as she stepped over another pothole; trying, and failing, to convince herself that she wasn’t deliberately aiming for them as Celestia’s head thumped into it. “Okay, you’re never going to get high again, and next time, let me choose the date.” Luna’s smile took a turn for the devious. “I already have the perfect candidate in mind.”

Celestia waved a single hoof in the air. “Is it a pizza pony?”

“No, why would—never mind,” Luna sighed.

Author's Notes:

Never do drugs, kiddies.

Chapter 8: Oh No-Din!

“So… um…”

“Hmmm?”

“I was just wondering…”

“Yes?”

“How did… how exactly… uh… did you…”

Odin sighed, rubbing his wrinkled brow. He pointed to the eyepatch covering his right eye. “It’s about the eyepatch, isn’t it?”

Celestia smiled awkwardly. “Well… yes. I didn’t want to seem rude or anything—”

“Oh no, my dear, it’s perfectly natural to wonder how someone lost a body part.” Odin tugged at his pristine white beard, the Norse God of the Highest Order pondering in deep thought. “Well, to be truthful, the story isn’t a very interesting one. Not even fit as a tale of legends in the halls of Valhalla.”

Celestia perked up. “Oh, but surely it must be an interesting story to tell. You are a god, after all. From my last encounter with one of your kind, interesting tales are practically part of your job.”

Odin chuckled, taking a long guzzle of his mead before continuing. “Well, it happened countless years ago, when I sought out a way to obtain ultimate and unlimited knowledge over all things and all times, both the past, present, and even future.”

“Really?” Celestia asked, her jaw dropped in awe. “How did that work out for you?”

“Oh, well enough. I got that knowledge from Mimir, the one said to know all things at all times. I was allowed to drink from his well of wisdom, which instantly filled me with knowledge over everything.” He shrugged, tapping his eyepatch. “All I had to do was trade my eye. Which, I think, was a pretty decent deal overall. Though it makes my depth perception shit.”

Celestia giggled, soon joining Odin in hearty laughter. The two toasted mugs, Celestia able to keep pace with Odin’s barbarous drinking manner as he quickly drained his mug in one large gulp.

Her cheeks now flushed with red, Celestia asked, “So, was unlimited knowledge over everything really worth the loss of an eye? What if that Mimir character had asked for an arm or leg instead?”

Odin barked out a laugh, leaning in close to Celestia with a palm cupping his mouth. “Well, for all the unlimited knowledge in all of existence, Mimir wasn’t exactly the brightest fellow. Got his head chopped right off. In the long run, I lost an eye over ultimate wisdom, while Mimir lost his head!” Choking back a laugh, Odin muttered, “I still have it with me. Wanna see it? He never stops babbling about this and that whenever I take him out.”

“Um… no thank you. I think I can go without having a conversation with a disembodied head.”

Odin shrugged, saying, “Eh, suit yourself.”

Celestia’s eyes widened, and she turned around in her seat to glare at the front door of the restaurant the two were dining at. Her attention so precisely focused on the door, Odin arched a brow.

“Might you entertain me with the reason why the princess of Equestria is staring at a door?” Odin asked.

“Whenever one of my dates seems to be going decently, something bad happens,” Celestia answered, narrowing her brows. “And usually, it’s by my date’s wife.”

“Well, you have nothing to worry about from mine. We’re…” Odin sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “separated for the time being.”

Celestia looked back to Odin, her glare softening at his distraught face. “Oh, Odin, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“No, no, it’s quite alright.” Odin sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “It’s been a tough time for me lately. Truthfully, I haven’t been out in centuries. My son finally convinced me to do this date, worried I’d be fretting over my wife for all of eternity if I didn’t move on.”

Celestia smiled, reaching out and laying her hoof gentely over his hand. “Well, you have nothing to worry about from me, Odin. Interestingly enough, my sister—”

She was cut off from a sudden explosion that rocked the restaurant to its foundations, causing a wall to implode inward. A figure stepped out of the dust and rubble. He was a godly man much like Odin, except thinner and wearing a helmet with two large and ridiculously extended horns curving inward. Raising a scepter at the pair, the god shouted, “Father, this affair shall go on no further!”

Odin got out of his seat and slammed a hand against the table, splitting it in two. “Damnit, Loki, I don’t have time for your squabbles! I have told you time and time again, your mother and I are no longer seeing each other!”

“Lies!” Loki yelled, his scepter glowing a more furious blue. “How dare you betray mother like this!”

Celestia ducked under the split table as Loki released a barrage of scepter blasts, reducing the floor to dust but otherwise petering off of Odin’s body. “Who is this guy?” Celestia asked, risking a peek out from the table.

Odin groaned deeply, wiping a hand across his wrinkled face. “My son, Loki. He’s having trouble accepting the fact his mother and I are separating.”

“I thought your son set you up on this date in the first place!”

“That was my other son, Thor.”

“You have more than one son?”

“I have a lot of sons. You lose count over the centuries.”

Before Celestia could reply, thunder roared in the distance, then lightning struck the building and nearly sent another wall toppling into ruin.

Odin chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “Well, I be damned, looks like Thor made it after all. You’re in for a real treat here, Celestia. Not often do I battle one of my sons.”

Odin withdrew a golden spear from apparently nowhere, then charged at Loki. All the while lightning continued to rain down from above onto the restaurant’s roof. In the mean time, Celestia drew herself up into the fetal position.

“That’s it, no more dating gods. It always ends up in messed up family disputes.” Celestia winced as another section of the wall in the building crumbled. “Also, no more listening to Luna. That always ends in messed up family disputes as well.”

Guest Chapter: The Mane Event (vren55)

Celestia swallowed her tea awkwardly, her eyes averted to her saucer. Before today, she could count all the moments she had ever been truly terrified on four hooves. What was Luna thinking? Sure the venue was well picked. It was a restaurant on the beach. There were no roofs, walls or even floors to be destroyed by a date. Just setting sun on the horizon, comfortable pillows and towels to relax on, and a low table for her and her date’s dinner. Still, Celestia could not stop herself from shaking.

For languorously lying on the cushions in front of her, was a lion. The most handsome, of his kind she had ever seen from his golden tawny mane and immaculate coat, to his solemn, but somehow gentle, eyes.

And yet, every fibre in Celestia’s immortal being was telling her to scream and run for her bedchambers. Everything great about the lion also inspired terror.

“Something on your mind, Princess? You’ve been listening for most of the evening,” said Aslan, the lion of Narnia, his thunderous, and yet somehow gentle voice breaking the silence.

“Just wondering what my sister was thinking,” stammered Celestia without thinking. She bit back the urge to curse her foolishness.

“What has passed is in the past. We are here today and that which is present is all that matters,” said Aslan. Celestia took a moment to contemplate those words. It seemed her date was quite wise, if too fond of riddles.

“You are quite right. You said you were a teacher?” inquired Celestia.

Aslan chuckled heartily. “That is an apt description, but the role I play is more akin to a father, guide, king, and god.”

Celestia blinked, confused. “You speak of them as if they are one and the same.”

“Are they not? A father must guide his sons, judge them like a king, and must love them and be loved by them, like a god,” pointed out Aslan.

“Some gods would beg to differ, as would many kings, guides and fathers,” snorted Celestia, remembering a particularly lecherous Greek thunder god.

“It matters not what others think for that is their tale. What is important is what you think, Princess Celestia of Equestria” said Aslan, his great, royal eyes meeting Celestia’s. The alicorn resisted the temptation to squirm and met the lion’s terrifying gaze head on.

“A princess cannot always be a mother to her subjects if they stray away and turn into traitors,” said Celestia, a hint of sadness in her tone.

“As long as a king is willing to give his life for even the most horrible traitor, death itself will work backwards,” spoke Aslan.

Celestia frowned. Why did the cryptic lion seem to know exactly he was talking about? Intrigued, she asked her date that question.

“Oh. Well, I had to give my life to save a young human boy who betrayed his siblings, and my Narnians to the enemy, Jadis the White Witch. I had the Witch accept my life in return for his, and walked into the Witch’s camp where I let myself be bound, muzzled and shaved. Then the crowd of banshees, hags, minotaurs, ogres, wraiths, sprites began to kick, jeer, spit…” Aslan continued to describe his practical torture at the hands… claws of the White Witch’s supporters casually, not seeming to notice that Celestia was squirming uncomfortably.

“Alright! But why did you have to die in the first place?” interrupted Celestia.

“Because the Deep Magic of the Land demanded the traitor’s life. If it was not given, all of Narnia would be overturned and perish in fire and water,” said Aslan, a serious glint in his eyes.

Celestia gasped, awestruck at the humiliation Aslan, a god, had been willing to go through for a traitor. “You suffered, died just so that the traitor would live?”

“Yes. Well to be honest. I knew of a Magic beyond the Deep Magic. You see, if a willing victim who offered no treachery was killed in the traitor’s stead, death would work backwards and I would live. If I returned to kill the White Witch, I would have lost Narnia, and my father, The Emperor Under the Sea, would not be happy at all,” said Aslan cheefully. The lion proceeded to finish his rather large, quite bloody, steak.

Celestia glanced at the setting sun. It seemed the evening was almost at an end… which was just as well. Turning back to the lion, the alicorn smiled weakly

“Well, Aslan. I’m sorry,” said Celestia.

“Whatever for?” asked Aslan, an amused tone in his voice.

“I’ve enjoyed your company and talking to you. In fact, I would be delighted if you visited Equestria once in a while. But I don’t think its going to work out,” said Celestia. She had to admit, Aslan was polite, gorgeously handsome, and unquestionably a benevolent beast… But he was still a lion, far too enigmatic and at times, just plain creepy.

“Oh I knew from beyond the dawn of time that I could not have a relationship with you,” said Aslan nonchalantly.

Celestia glared at the lion, flabbergasted, jaw agape and anger flushing her cheeks. “Then why didn’t you just tell me?”

The lion winked. “Because then, young alicorn, that wouldn’t really be allowing you to make your own choice.” While Celestia stared uncomprehendingly, Aslan wiped his lips with a napkin, kissed the alicorn’s hoof, bid farewell and walked down the beach, disappearing into the setting sun.

“I think I understand how Twilight feels when I tease her,” groaned Celestia, burying her head into the pillow.

“Well at least you had a better time than the other dates. When did you say he will visit?” asked Luna.

Celestia smiled wistfully. “I don’t know. He’ll visit when he’ll visit. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about Aslan, it’s that he’s not a tame lion.”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the wonderfully talented vren55. Go check his stories out, such as Princess Celestia: The Changeling Queen if you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest Chapter: Double Sun Power (FanOfMostEverything)

Celestia hoped this would be the one. Her suitor's profile seemed encouraging, and he was actually a pony, which was a definite plus. She just didn't seem to have good luck with humanoids.

Also, she was running out of restaurants. No dining establishment in Canterlot would dare ban a princess, but quite a few of them were still rebuilding.

"Celestia?"

The question shook her out of her internal monologue just outside of a charming little bistro that had yet to experience a clash of titans. The questioner got her newly available attention.

Oh, he was a handsome one. An alicorn, of course, a few inches taller than her, well-toned, his mane all reds and oranges and yellows. The close-cropped beard and mustache would make most ponies look like lumberjacks, but it worked for him. Celestia smiled. "Solaris?"

He nodded, offered a smile of his own, and tilted his horn towards the bistro's entrance. "Shall we?"

Celestia held up a hoof. "Just a moment. I'm very sorry about this, but I just need to get a few questions out of the way: are you married?"

Solaris flinched back a bit, his eyes widened. "I wouldn't be here if I was."

"Okay. Any children or archenemies? Or children who are archenemies?"

"No, no, and definitely no."

Celestia released a sigh and a great deal of tension. "Then I'm sure we'll have a wonderful evening."

The two alicorns shared a laugh as they finished another story. Neither was sure who had started it, and neither really cared. The empty bottle of wine might have had something to do with that.

"You know," Celestia mused, "it's funny. I go through this whole wide multiverse for possible partners, and I never thought of the colt next door. Relatively speaking. How can our worlds be so close?"

"My brother explained it to me." Solaris smirked. "Well, more like I managed to pry him away from his latest murder simulator long enough to get a few words out of him. Something about quantum spacetime fluctuations and my ruining his K/D ratio."

Celestia shook her head. "He'd probably get along with Luna. A millennium in the moon, and somehow she's gotten a better grasp on science and technology than I ever had. I don't know how she does it." She noted her date's oddly distant look. "Is everything alright, Solaris?"

"I… I just thought of something. Your sister…" Solaris bit his lip. "I'm sorry if this is a touchy subject."

"The past few years have taken the edge off of those old memories, Solly. Ask away."

"Well, I take it she tried to create eternal night because she felt unappreciated?"

"Yes."

"And before that, the two of you defeated the spirit of chaos with the Elements of Harmony?"

"You also faced Discord?"

Solaris wingshrugged. "I knew her as Eris, but I suppose a being of chaos could easily have more than one name."

"'She'?" Celestia's muzzle lost its hint of pink, going bone white. "Oh. Oh dear."

"You thought of it too?"

"I…" Celestia swallowed. Suddenly it felt like her linguini primavera was crawling out of her stomach and constricting her tongue. "Luna called herself 'Nightmare Moon.'"

Solaris answered the unasked question. "Artemis declared himself 'Anarchy Apollo.' I think I like Luna's better."

Celestia scowled. "Well I certainly didn't."

This got a wince. "Sorry. My faithful student, Dusk Shine? Lavender unicorn, magenta streak in his mane?"

"Twilight Sparkle. My niece, Princess Cadance, the alicorn of love?"

"Prince Bolero. Married to Gleaming Shield, former captain of the Royal Guard."

"Shining Armor in my case."

Two pairs of ears flattened. Two heads drooped. Two voices chorused, "Shit. We're the same pony."

Luna mulled over the retelling for a moment, telekinetically-held controller bobbing in time with her thoughts. "I don't see the problem."

"Don't see— Luna, it literally doesn't get more incestuous than that!"

"Nah, if it's yourself, then it's just masturbation." Something exploded on the screen and Luna crowed, "Ha! Suck it, Timmy!"

"Fuck you, Woona!"

Celestia blinked. "Is that—"

"Your date's little brother, yeah. Kinda cute, but he can't play for shit." Luna's character suddenly slumped over, dead.

Spoke Prince Artemis: "Take that, whore!"

Celestia groaned and left the room, unheard over the increasingly vulgar pronouncements of the sovereigns of the night.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the impeccably cool FanOfMostEverything. Go check his stories out, such as Scootaloathe if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 9: I'm Dying, Literally

“More coffee, my dear?”

“Why… er… certainly, Mister Lord Death,” Celestia replied, offering her cup to him.

Lord Death smiled, or did the best he could with that white skull mask of his. Strangely enough, it wasn’t as expressionless as one would first think, conveying to his mood properly enough. The only other discerning feature about the literal Grim Reaper was that his entire body was made up of a tattered piece of black cloth, whose form caused his limbs and body’s proportions to be out of whack and sporadic in appearance. Oh, and there was also those flat, four-fingered hands of his that were as large as half her body.

“Please, please, Mister and Lord are no names to call someone’s date,” Lord Death replied, picking the coffee pot up daintily with his massive fingers to pour her a fresh cup. “Simply calling me Death will suffice.”

“Well, I shall try my best to correct myself then, Death.” Celestia sipped from her cup, the awkward break in conversation making her drink noisily. Taking a gander at the area their date was hosted, Celestia was momentarily glad it wasn’t another restaurant. Most closed down the minute she asked to reserve a table. Looks like the ponies were finally catching onto her and her series of disastrous dates. But at least there was momentary peace, even if the scenery had a strange vibe of bleakness, coupled with desolate surroundings while countless crosses stuck out from the earth.

Smacking her lips, Celestia hummed under her breath. “So… from your profile, I hear you have a son, correct?”

“Two, in fact,” Lord Death replied, holding up two digits.

Celestia smiled. “Interesting. A family man is usually a more responsible suitor. What are your sons like?”

“Oh, the first one is the embodiment of pure evil and terror, having nearly destroyed the entire world in his bid for ultimate power,” Lord Death said, waving his hand passively in the air. “I skinned him alive, then sealed him in a bag of his own skin, and then to be doubly sure, I rooted my own soul over Death City to make sure he doesn’t escape from beneath its confines.” Lord Death sipped at his coffee, not noticing the shocked expression on Celestia’s face. “Hence why I can’t leave here.”

“That’s… that’s just awful!” Celestia said, grimacing noticeably. “How can you do that to your own son?”

“If I seem to recall from your profile, you banished your own sister for a thousand years on the moon,” Lord Death reminded her.

Celestia opened her mouth to reply, then closed it and tapped her chin in thought. “Actually… you make a good point.” Shrugging, Celestia asked, “So, what about your other son?”

“Oh, Death the Kid? Sweetest young man you’ll ever meet.” Lord Death chuckled, tapping his head. “Also, he has the cutest stripes in his hair you’ve ever see.”

Celestia grinned, relaxing finally. “I’ll bet,” she replied, taking another sip from her coffee. However, when she went to put it down, she accidentally laid it on the edge of the table, causing it to spill and for the cup to shatter on the floor below.

“Oh dear, I’m ever so sorry,” Celestia said, moving away from the fastly growing stain.

Lord Death held up a hand. “It’s no problem, really. I can get it cleaned up in—”

“Here, let me just use this napkin to wipe it up,” Celestia said, using the napkin by her tray to clean up the spill. However, her actions were quickly halted when an extremely painful force connected with her noggin.

“DON’T USE THE GOOD NAPKINS OR ELSE YOU’LL GET A REAPER CHOP!” Lord Death shouted, holding up his large hand in a cutting motion.

Celestia picked herself up from the floor, wincing as she touched her bruised skull. “You could have at least warned me before you actually hit me!”

“I… I…” Lord Death looked at his hand, then back at the very peeved off face of Celestia, then back to his hand again. “I’m guessing a date number two is out of the question then?”

“I swear, Luna, I don’t know how much longer I can go on!” Celestia said. She sighed in relief when Luna applied the bag of ice to her aching head. “Every date thus far has either ended in something weird happening, heartbreak, explosions, me being injured, or Deadpool! And out of all of them, Deadpool is probably the worst of the lot!”

Luna spinned in her swivel chair, stopping at her computer screen. Rubbing her hooves together, Luna called out, “Don’t worry, dear sister, I know the perfect way to solve that!”

“Please don’t say another date,” Celestia whispered.

“With another date!”

“Damn it all!”

Luna chuckled, mousing over a few profiles from the immortal dating website. “Don’t worry, Tia, this one will be a shoo-in for your perfect match.”

Glancing up, Celestia rolled her eyes. “Luna, I thought I told you no more gods. Those only lead to trouble.”

“Tia, you need to stop being so picky and live a little. Plus, this guy doesn’t technically count as a god… sorta… kinda… not really.” Luna shrugged, moving out of the way so Celestia could get a clear view of her next date’s bio page. “I’m pretty sure it counts in name only.”

Groaning, Celestia turned over and pulled her icepack closer to her head. “Fine, fine, whatever. I just better not get into another fight over this.”

Scanning over this immortal’s bio, Luna sniggered. “No promises, dear sister. But I’m sure you’ll have a blast either way.”

Author's Notes:

And yes, I used his English dubbed name, sue me.

Guest Chapter: A Dog Eat Dog Date (Felidae0)

"Alright," Celestia said, resting her chin on the table between herself and her latest date. "This... is a weird one. Even for Luna."

The white wolf across from her nodded in agreement, before beginning to chew on a bone she had ordered before Celestia arrived.

Celestia flicked her eyes across said wolf, desperately hoping that she had, in fact, arrived at the wrong table. Sadly, the red magical marks that decorated the wolf's fur, and the burning metal Frisbee on it’s back suggested otherwise. Lethargically, Celestia retrieved a piece of paper Luna had given her—the only information she actually had about her date.

"So, Ama-ter-asu... Am I saying that right? According to this, you're another Sun Goddess, who's taken the physical form of a white wolf... Is that correct?"

A short, quiet bark was her only response. It was entirely possible Amerat-whatever was mocking her.

Celestia decided that she might as well be polite, and introduce herself. "Right, well, I'm Princess Celestia of Equestria, and I raise... this sun, I guess, which is my special talent. How do you do yours, if you don't mind me asking?"

Amerut—American—Ammussolini—Ammy, which Celestia decided to call her from this point on, flipped her tail out in front of her, the tip wet with ink. There was a moment where reality blinked, and Celestia got the distinct impression that Ammy snickered before picking her bone back up. The tail vanished behind her as quickly as it had arrived.

"So, a painter?" asked Celestia. Her muzzle itched, but she refrained from scratching it in front of her date. "I've known quite a few painters in my time. Tried it myself not too long ago, wasn't very good. Though..." She paused. "It might still be on display at the Canterlot History Museum. As a central piece of their abstract exhibit."

Ammy tilted her head, and Celestia answered the unasked question. "It was meant to be a still life of a bowl of fruit."

The wolf snickered, and Celestia rolled her eyes. "Well, you try and do better."

The tail appeared once more, and Celestia's wooden chair suddenly came back to life, despite her shouting and that of the cafe's other patrons. Within seconds, the chair had grown into a wooden bowl the size of a princess-sized bed, and had even grown a large apple inside the bowl. A flick of the tip sent a pulpy glass of orange juice in a spray at Celestia, which grew into a similarly-sized citrus. The image was finally completed, however, when a banana leapt in alongside her and grew to twice her length.

"Show-off," muttered Celestia, as she climbed over the orange to reach the bowl's rim. With a thump, she fell out and back onto the floor, landing on a… on a…

On a giant lilypad. Huh.

The cafe’s waiter walked out onto the patio, saw the deformed chair and the mare sitting on a lilypad instead, and sighed. They’d ban her, but they didn’t want to be known as ‘the cafe that banned Princess Celestia.’ He put on a grin that was just a bit too wide to be genuine, and approached the table.

“Princess! So good to see you’re back! What may I get for you and your date today?”

Celestia picked the menu backup, realized that by this point she’d memorized it, and set it back down. “I’ll have a Michigan Salad. Ammy?”

The wolf, seemingly serious for once, placed a paw on the menu. The waiter leaned over to look at it. “Roast… chicken? That’s on there? Er… okay.” He wrote it down on his notepad, and walked away.

Celestia gave a little bounce on the lilypad. It was comfortable, to be sure, but it was also unpleasantly soggy. “So, Ammy, why a wolf, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Ammy put a paw on her chin. After a moment, she hopped off the chair, and sat next to Celestia’s lilypad. Then she flopped over, wordlessly asking for belly rubs.

Celestia blinked. “Ah. Okay, that kind of makes sense.” Ammy made a quiet whining noise, which prompted a sigh from Celestia. “Alright, alright. But only for a bit. This is already a weird date.”

After a minute or two of petting her date’s belly, she decided to try and start up a conversation. “So, any family?”

Panting happily, Ammy nodded.

Celestia tried to fill in the gaps of the conversation as best she could. “...Brothers? Sisters? Any that might come causing trouble?”

Still lying down, Ammy swished her tail in a crescent, drawing a moon out of ink that hung in the air for a few seconds before dissipating. Her tail swished again, this time drawing a more complex shape. When she was finished, it looked like a wave crashing onto a beach. It evaporated as well.

Celestia waited for any more, but that seemed to be it. “So, Moon Goddess—” She was cut off by a bark. “God, male?” she asked. Ammy nodded, before slumping back onto the wooden deck.

“So, Moon God, and Sea God, also male?” A bark in the affirmative confirmed it. “Huh. I hope Luna doesn’t get any ideas…” She shook her head, and stood up. “Come on, let’s sit back down like civilized… Deities.”

Celestia noticed, out of the corner of her eye, that her date was beginning to attract attention. She couldn’t imagine why. After all, it was just the princess going on a date with a dog.

...In hindsight, maybe she should’ve picked something else to do for a date.

Ammy, after a moment of whining, hopped back onto her chair. By some strange coincidence involving a chicken population boom and the increased number of dragons visiting Equestria in recent years, the white wolf’s chicken was done and arriving at the table. Celestia’s salad followed shortly afterward.

Celestia’s horn lit, picking up the salad fork daintily, and she speared a single leaf of lettuce. She felt the taste was missing something, however, and she borrowed a bottle of ranch dressing from another table. Satisfied, she began to work through her meal.

Ammy just jammed her head into her chicken, and started chewing.

“Alright, that’s it!” Celestia jammed her fork into the table, the end vibrating with a twang. “I can’t take this, I really can’t. Listen, you seem nice enough, and I can appreciate a little bit of pranking, but I just don’t see any way this will work.”

Ammy’s eyebrows quirked up. Whether in interest or confusion, Celestia couldn’t say. Nor did she really care.

Celestia leaned over the table, staring straight at Ammy. “Can you actually become anything else, or are you stuck as a wolf?” In response, Ammy licked her muzzle.

“Ackpth—not cool!” She spat into a napkin, and turned back to the wolf. “I cannot understand a single thing you’re saying. Because you’re a wolf.”

Ammy blinked at her.

“I don’t speak wolf.”

Ammy’s ears flopped back down.

“Moreover,” Celestia continued, “I don’t care how good you are in bed, I’m not having relations with a wolf. Luna would never let it go, and neither would the tabloids.” She paused. “Also, bestiality’s illegal in Equestria.”

The only response from the wolf was a pair of puppy-dog eyes, and quiet whining.

Celestia sighed. “Very sorry about this, I really am, but it’s not going to work. Enjoy your chicken, Apparat—Amassed—Adamant—Ammy. Have a nice day, Ammy.”

Celestia stood, and left the cafe. A few seconds later, she returned, flapping her wings to get up into the chair-turned-fruit-bowl, and retrieved the giant banana.

“Also, I’m taking this. No offense intended."

“Sister… Why art thou cuddling a giant banana? Didst I not set thee a date with Amaterasu?”

Celestia poked her head out from under the covers. “Shh. Let me enjoy this. By my estimate, I have at least one week before Bruce Banana begins to ripen.”

Luna blinked. “Thou named thine fruit?” She thought she saw something else as well, and leaned in for a closer look. “And why dost thou hath a moustache drawn upon thy muzzle?”

“Because only Brucey gets me!” Squeaked Celestia, before she dove back under her covers. In a whisper Luna could barely hear, she added, “And I don’t know what moustache you’re talking about.”

Luna slowly backed away as chewing sounds began to squish out from under the covers. “Er… Worry not, dear sister. ‘Tis a glorious moustache. Enjoy your… fruit?”

She felt a bit dirty having said that. Not on her hooves. More like in her mind. The noises didn’t help.

She backed through the doorway, and closed it with a klik. “Maybe…” she muttered to herself. “Mayhaps Tia just needs a small break. I shall set something up for… She said a week? That sounds good.”

Mentally satisfied with the plan, she headed back to her quarters. And away from the noises.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the undoubtably awesome Felidae0. Go check his stories out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 10: The Date Of The Gods (Part 1)

“Please, your majesty, only a little further,” the Imperial Cultist said to Celestia, bowing down with an arm directed in the path he wanted her to follow.

Celestia arched a brow, but hurried nonetheless. All around her, dozens of the goofy looking cultists of the Imperium of Mankind went about their business, deep within the Imperial Palace. Well, she wouldn’t exactly describe them as goofy. More… incredibly impractical looking. They dressed in such ridiculously over-complicated outfits that Celestia had no idea how they dressed themselves in the morning, much less what doing their laundry must be like. From one passing through, Celestia couldn’t tell where the original clothes began and the tacky gold embroidery and black garbs attached to the outfit ended.

“So, this God Emperor—”

“Of Mankind.”

“Yeah, is he—”

“Along with being the Father, Guardian, and God of humanity,” the cultist added on. Checking over his shoulder at Celestia’s unamused expression, he coughed slightly. “Sorry for the interruption, carry on.”

Sighing, Celestia asked, “Is he really a god?”

“Why, of course he is,” the cultist said with a good chuckle, raising his hands to the heavens as if he was going to catch something. “He helped unify all of mankind during the Great Crusades, beating back the alien and Chaos menace and defeating the traitors and heretics that sought to bring about mankind’s downfall. He is the single greatest man to have ever lived, and because of him, humanity has lived as the greatest thriving force in the galaxy!”

Celestia stepped a few paces to the side from the frothing cultist, who had taken his preaching up a level and was practically shouting at the top of his lungs.

“Uh… that’s great,” Celestia said, giving her best winning smile. “I just can’t wait to meet him. It was so kind of him to personally invite me to his palace.” Celestia looked about where they needed to go. Before them rose a great set of golden gates, which seemed to rise to the very ceiling hundreds of feet in the air. On its surface was etched a great battle between warriors and demons, with what Celestia presumed could only be the God Emperor himself at the top, standing radiant and magnificent in all his glory. “He has an… interesting sense of design.”

“Br proud that you are the first xeno to ever walk in these great halls.” The cultist tapped his chin and shrugged. “Well, first alive xeno, anyhow.”

“Wait, xeno? What the heck is that?” Celestia asked, having trouble pronouncing the strange word. “I’m a pony. Well, more specifically, an alicorn.”

The cultist shrugged again, taking a head start to the gates. “Doesn’t matter to me, you and your folk all have strange names. Now, no more questions, the time to meet the Emperor is at hand.”

Celestia rolled her eyes, biting back a groan to wait for those ginormous gates to allow her entry into the very heart of the Imperial Palace. It was here that she realized a better question to ask would be why she was specifically the only alive xeno-creature… thingy, to enter the palace alive.

With a great rumble that shook the earth and seemed to almost destroy the roof that reached higher than the sky, the gates opened. From within a light so powerful that it blinded Celestia shone forth, an almost godly brightness that purged all darkness at its mere presence.

Shielding her eyes, the cultist spoke again, “I am not worthy enough to lay my eyes upon the most holy and great God Emperor, but you, your majesty, are. He chose you specifically for such a great occasion such as this.” Shuffling past her, he called over his shoulder, “Have a nice date!”

Lowering her hoof, Celestia blinked, an almost useless attempt to clear her vision. The light did not decrease in luminosity one bit, making even her sun in comparison look like a nightlight. Finally, grumbling under her breath, Celestia shouted, “Hey, would you mind toning it down in there? Unless you want me to wear sunglasses the entire time on our date, put on a lampshade or something!”

The light dimmed, then finally went out, leaving the shining excellence of the gateways along with a low illumination within the heart of the Imperial Palace as the only guiding light for Celestia. With great hesitation and regret for not asking for a movie date instead, Celestia stepped forward, into what could possibly be her next suitor or the more likely option, her creepy stalker and perhaps even murderer. In hindsight, maybe bringing the mace with her would have been a good idea.

“Um, hello?” Celestia asked. She took a few more steps further, her hooffalls echoing in the chamber of dying light. “Mister God Emperor of Mankind? You in here? It’s me, Celestia, from the online dating website. You commented on my page on how you also like adorable cat videos and we should go on a date sometime.” After a few seconds of undisturbed silence, Celestia said, “Oh for the… don’t tell me I got stood up again!”

“You didn’t,” a voice spoke out in the darkness.

“...Okay, now tell me I’m not going to get attacked again.”

The light came on again, radiating from a golden throne of some sort in the center of the room, which was surrounded by guards. A lot of guards. Actually, no, strike that, the amount of guards in the throne room outnumbered all the ones she had at her castle three to one. In the actual size category, that was more of a five-hundred to one case, since these towering behemoths of humans could be more accurately regarded as giants.

“I can’t make any promises,” one of the giant guardians of the Emperor spoke.

Standing trice her height, these superhuman beasts were clad in armor of gold and black, a chaotic mix of colors that added to their allure and menacing presence. They were clad in accessories of varying military degree that most likely showed off their rank and how many people they’ve killed with their eyes closed. On their person they carried shields that seemed as if could block any attack, along with shortened spears that resembled guns more than an actual melee weapon. To complete their intimidating and impersonal appearance were their tall, brazen helmets, which held an air of ominous presence behind their masks.

Suppressing a scream at the sudden and downright terrifying appearance at the multitude of supersized men, Celestia cleared her throat. “Do you happen to know where the God Emperor of Mankind would be located?” she asked, standing tall and confident while trying her best to keep her knees from buckling under her.

The guard pointed over his unnaturally musclebound shoulder to the figure resting atop the golden throne composed of some of the most wondrous and highly advanced machinery Celestia had ever seen. “His holiness would be right there, your majesty. He was real adamant about meeting you right away.”

Looking up, Celestia noticed the only person sitting in the throne was the body of some dead guy. He was practically mummified, his skull showing through his face and his ribs through his cloak. From his back there could be seen thousands upon thousands of coils and tubes, some pumping unknown liquids into the mummified skeleton while others some weird electrical energy of some sort.

“Wait, you’re telling me that guy,” Celestia said, pointing to the decomposing body atop the throne of gold and skulls, “is my date?”

“Yes, your majesty,” the guard said. He clapped his hands, two other guards appearing from the side holding a table between them. Setting it down before the God Emperor, one of them lit a candle and adjusted a rose vase in the center while the other set out plates for both dates. To complete the scene were two wine glasses filled to the brim, though Celestia doubted in his current state the God Emperor could eat or even move at all. “Best not keep his greatness waiting, he has a tight schedule to keep.”

One of the guards pulled back a chair and set down a menu, indicating her to sit. Mulling over her options, Celestia reached an obvious conclusion. “I am so going to get Luna back for this.”

Trotting up the steps, Celestia sat in her seat, downed all of her wine in an instant, then pointed to the guard/waiter. “Better keep them coming if I’m going to make it through this date.” Taking a glance at the horrid appearance of the soulless, black eyes of her date, Celestia added on, “And it better be the good stuff too!”

Author's Notes:

I am terribly sorry folks that this had to be split into a two-chapter date, but work and a recent power outage where I live made it downright impossible to get the entire chapter finished. Expect the next update to have the chapter complete, along with the sidefic for the God Emperor and Celestia to be out as well. Once again, really sorry, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 11: The Date Of The Gods (Part 2)

“So… I’m guessing you’re not much of a talker, are you?” Celestia questioned her date, the long deceased body of the supposedly once great and mighty God Emperor of Mankind. Of course, he made no indication of replying, continuing to sit silently on his golden throne in his mummified state, the only indication that any life could be existent in his corpse the odd flicker of red light in his dark eye socket.

Celestia finished off another of her wine glasses, the Emperor’s personal guard quick to fill it up. Truthfully, Celestia wasn’t too keen on an impossibly tall behemoth of a man standing so close to her, especially with those large weapons of his nearby, but she supposed it was more for the Emperor’s benefit than to actually intimidate her… she hoped.

“Well, being a listener is a good trait, I suppose,” Celestia admitted. She looked down to her plate, where the less than appetizing meal was sitting getting cold… and moving. “Though, I think being a good cook would be more important…” Celestia would have guessed that the food in the palace would have been of better quality, but seeing how the vast majority of the people here are soldiers, the rest are zealots religious cultists, and the Emperor was a dead guy on a throne, it was beginning to make sense.

Pushing her plate away so that the ketchup covered abomination wouldn’t make a grab at her, Celestia returned her attention back to the Emperor. Not like he was going anywhere, anyway.

“Um… well…” Celestia coughed, the absolute silence in the room suffocating her. Getting out of her seat, Celestia said, “Listen, Mister Dead God Emperor… sir, I had a great time and all. We should really do it again sometime. You… um… just call me, okay?”

Before she could walk down the steps leading up to the Emperor’s throne, his guards stopped her progress, their spear-like guns pointed directly at her.

“Not so fast, your majesty,” the cultist from before said, appearing behind the legs of one of the guards. “We still need you.”

“But I thought only the Emperor needed me?” Celestia asked, pointing a hoof over her shoulder at the long dead body of her date. “Wasn’t that the purpose of him asking to be my date on that dating website in the first place?”

“That wasn’t him, you dimwitted xeno!” the cultist shouted. “He can’t even move! We made the profile and hooked up with you on the website for the specific purpose of getting you close to the Emperor!”

“Ah… that does make more sense now that I think about it.” Glancing over her shoulder to the corpse, she shrugged. “So, why exactly get me on a date with him in the first place?”

The cultist raised his hands in worship, and not to catch something from the sky like Celestia guessed after looking up. “The Emperor spoke to me in a vision! A vision of a time where his end draws near, and the only way to prevent it is with a xeno! A xeno of great power, one with the symbol of the sun on her butt!”

“Flank!”

“Whatever! And with this xeno, the Emperor shall once again rise in glory to take back his empire and the entire galaxy in the name of humanity!”

The cultist clapped his hands, him and every guard in the room proclaiming, “All hail the God Emperor of Mankind!”

“Yeah… I’m still a bit confused here, can you repeat that?” Celestia asked.

The cultist shook his head, rubbing his hands together deviously. “It does not matter whether or not you are confused now, you putrid xeno. After scouring the multiverse and using that accursed dating website to find you, now is the time that our Emperor shall be brought back among us!” The guards systematically aimed all their weapons at her. “Now, renew our Emperor, or die!”

Celestia backed up a few paces from the plethora of firearms ready to blow her brains out at a moment’s notice. “How exactly do you expect me to do that?”

“I’m not sure and I don’t exactly care,” the cultist replied, smiling to the guards, each with their trigger finger itching. “I’m not the one about to be riddled with bullets if they don’t do something right. So, get to it, before one of these guards here gets too antsy.”

Celestia turned back to the Emperor, grimacing at his decayed state and bony expression. “I really, really hate Luna right now.” Gulping, Celestia closed her eyes and focused her magic on the Emperor’s body, a low illumination of light engulfing his corpse.

For the first few seconds, nothing happened, until a brief spark of some type of energy answered back to her magical call. Slowly but surely, something was drawing her magic in, something that was completely new to her. It wasn’t magic, but something close to it. And much, much more powerful.

Before she knew it, she was completely surrounded by it, a constantly restless and shifting form of energy the likes of which she could have never have imagined. It seemed to spread out, timeless and infinite in an expanse greater than any horizon could keep within its borders, it sinking within the very fabric of space and time to birth a new form of being on a plane far different than the one she was residing in.

Looking about herself, Celestia was completely lost in this formless void of pure chaos. Energy flowed all around her, unfamiliar yet familiar all at the same time. She was not in her world no longer, but one completely different, yet altogether the same.

However, a light appeared in the living blackness. A figure of radiant gold, flames left behind in his wake as he fly across the dark skies like an angel at the end of times. He had on an armor made of the finest golds, a billowing cape of scarlet red that draped behind himself like a river of blood, long flowing hair that put her own mane to shame, and a face that seemed to be chiseled from the purest marble by the gods themselves. He briefly looked to her, a small smile on his face that made Celestia’s heart warm up to the point she felt like she’d melt.

He appeared before her, no longer the corpse on the throne, but the God Emperor of Mankind himself. His splendidness and beauty took Celestia’s breath away, as did when she looked into his eyes. In them sparked an intelligence far greater than she could ever imagine, compassion so strong that it would sacrifice itself for others without a moment’s hesitation, and a will so unbreakable that not even an army could cause it a single crack.

“Celestia, I have been waiting for you,” the God Emperor spoke, his voice like the sweetest honey and the freshest breath of air.

“M-me?” Celestia whispered, unable to hold back the awe that tingled in every fiber of her being.

“Yes, you. I have been waiting for someone like you for some time now.” He withdrew the sword at his side, a blade made up of fire itself that heated even this blank expanse of timeless existence. He pointed the tip to her horn, nodding his head. “I need your power.”

“My… what?”

The God Emperor glanced over his shoulder. Shapeless shadows drifted across the void, their mere presence darkening the planes and installing a fear of terror within Celestia’s heart. There were four in all, each more horrifying than the last in terms of dark power.

“Please, Celestia, we have no time,” the God Emperor implored. “I chose you because I knew you would have the strength to provide me the energy I need to fight back the Chaos, even if it’s for a moment longer. Mankind must prevail, and only with your help can I make sure that happens.”

“I… I can try,” Celestia said. Frightened now that the shadows were drawing nearer, Celestia connected her horn to the tip of the Emperor’s sword. Instantly, she felt the air get knocked out of her lungs, and her muscles becoming sore and weak with just a mere touch. Gritting her teeth, she bore through it a bit longer, until she felt like her very soul was being ripped out of her body into the sword. However, the power trade-off ended, all by the Emperor’s own hand.

He drew back the sword, its flame more powerful than ever. The light he radiated early was brighter by two-fold, his magnificence more potent than ever. Looking down at Celestia, this most perfect of beings smiled once more, the cheer bustling from him making Celestia feel joy even in her weakened state.

“I thank you, Princess Celestia of Equestria, for the assistance you have provided me on this day. This is a service I shall never forget.” Looking back to the four beings of terrible dark power that had converged around them, the Emperor frowned. “But for now, you must leave. The Warp is a dangerous place. My battle against the forces of Chaos has no end in sight, and you bought me little time I must not waste. Go now, and forever know I and the rest of mankind are indebted to you.”

“Wait—” Celestia said, before the darkness around her began to disintegrate and peel away in a swirl of blackness, leaving her back to the previous plane of existence with her before the Emperor’s corpse. “Call me.”

“Call who?” the cultist said, tapping his foot repeatedly against the floor. “You’ve been standing there for the past fifteen minutes doing nothing.”

“I was… with the Emperor,” Celestia explained. She held a hoof up to her temple, a migraine developing already from her lightheadedness. Celestia nearly fainted, her muscles so weak she could barely support herself. “It was so strange… like we were somewhere completely different, yet here at the same time.”

“Well, whatever you did, it seemed to have worked!” The cultist pointed with glee at the Emperor’s throne. “The Emperor is reviving!”

Indeed, the decay on the Emperor’s body was beginning to give way to slightly fresher flesh. Sinews of muscles sprouted between joints in the bones of his hand, while colors other than gray or brown returned to his skin. Even the Emperor’s throne seemed more lively, glowing a bright golden hue that filled the throne room in its radiance.

“Well, glad that’s over,” Celestia sighed. “I am so going to need a spa trip after this.”

“After?” the cultist laughed, snapping his fingers. Every guard trained his weapon on her, blocking Celestia’s only route of escape. “Your majesty, there is no after. It will still take another couple of attempts to return the Emperor to his former glory. You’re not going anywhere.”

Celestia frowned. Right now, all her magic was drained, an entire room full of zealous guards that treated a near-dead body on a golden throne like a god had her in their sights, and she still didn’t know if she had a second date with that hunky God Emperor… well, at least the version of him that wasn’t decomposed.

“I really, really, really hate Luna for getting me into these types of situations.”

Author's Notes:

Whoo, made it just in time! Prepare yourself with the thrilling conclusion to the God Emperor arc and the side story on Thursday's update!

Chapter 12: The Date Of The Gods (Part 3)

Celestia was in a bad situation at an even worse time. With no way of escape, any move being her death, and her only options being total surrender, her future didn’t look to bright at the moment. Especially considering those throne guards and cultist seemed to be disgusted by her mere presence and would like nothing more than to turn her into mincemeat at any second.

“So, your majesty, if you’ll be so kind as to return to the rejuvenation of our God Emperor, that’d be wonderful,” the cultist said, rubbing his hands with a devilish smile on his cheeks. “Unless, of course, death is a more preferable choice to you.”

“Wouldn’t me dying prevent you from getting your God Emperor back?” Celestia asked, hoping the obviousness of her question would be her saving grace.

The cultists cackled, though the guards remained as stoic as ever. “Well, yes, it would hinder our efforts… for a couple of decades.” The cultist’s smirk grew to monstrously vile levels as he rubbed his hands more deviously. “But even with your bullet riddled corpse, we can extract your DNA. And with that, we can make clones for other xenos like you to come into being. But, of course, that will take some time.” Every guard in the room simultaneously set their weapons to automatic fire. “Time we can spend, and you can’t.”

Celestia was sweating bullets now, and in a moment she could be filled with bullets. Grasping straws, her jaw opened and closed, words coming to the tip of her tongue, but with no courage to take a leaping dive out of her mouth. In the end, all she could reply with was, “I… got nothing.” She sighed and hung her head dejectedly. “I guess I have no choice but to follow to your orders.”

“Ahahaha, excellent, excellent!” the cultist laughed, splaying out his arms in a victorious stance. “When our Emperor finally reincarnates back into this world, they’ll be no stopping mankind from taking its rightful place as the rulers of this galaxy! Soon, mankind will triumph once more, and there’s nothing anybody can—” The cultist’s words, and likewise, his life, ended with an abrupt entry of a bullet to his skull, knocking him flat on his back.

Celestia winced, expecting a storm of bullets to rip her to shreds. However, that storm was deflected with a shield of pure magic, the castor being none other than Princess Luna, flying down from a portal that had opened right next to the God Emperor’s throne. And sitting on her back, firing round after round at the palace guards was Deadpool, riding Luna into combat.

“Sister, you’ve arrived!” Celestia called out, a wide grin on her face.

Luna landed next to Celestia, instantly enwrapped by a hug from her older sibling. “But of course, Tia, you wouldn’t really expect me to leave my only sister behind on such a disastrous date?”

“You kind of have a habit of doing it in the past.”

“Well, yes, but my Netflix marathon ended early, so I was able to make it this time.”

Celestia smiled and rolled her eyes, hugging Luna tighter. “Whatever you say, Lulu. I’m just glad you’re here.”

Celestia’s eyes opened wide when she felt a familiar yet unwelcome pair of arms wrap around both her and Luna. “I’m glad to see you too, Sunbutt,” Deadpool said.

“Deadpool!” both sisters shouted.

Deadpool was instantly thrown off of Luna’s back, promptly falling on his head on the floor. Getting back up with only minor head trauma, he shrugged. “What, is using pet names in front of your little sister unwelcome now?”

“It was never welcome in the first place!” Celestia replied bitterly. Groaning, she turned to Luna and glared at her. “Mind explaining why he’s here?”

Luna shrugged. “He’s the one who warned me to come save you in the first place. After that, it made sense to hitch him a ride.”

“Luna, you just can’t throw yourself to any man you see as a free ride to wherever they want to go.”

Luna huffed, rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out to Celestia. “Tia, I’ll have you know I’m an adult mare. I can give rides to whoever I want.”

Celestia frowned and pointed a hoof at Deadpool, whispering, “Not if that person is Deadpool!”

“Um, guys, I’m literally only two feet away!” Deadpool reminded the pair. “Oh, and there’s a bunch of bad guys shooting at us, which is also literally two feet away.” Deadpool poked the shield keeping the bullets at bay, giggling at the static shock that ran up his body each time he touched it.

“That should be enough electrical charge to kill a baby elephant,” Luna said in disbelief.

Celestia ignored this, instead pointing an accusing hoof at Deadpool. “Deadpool, why did you come save me?”

“Because saving chicks from danger usually ends up with you sleeping with them.”

“Other than that!”

Rubbing his chin, Deadpool hummed under his breath. “Well, let’s see… I know the God Emperor was up to no good in the first place, seeing how he hasn’t updated his Facebook profile in the last 10,000 years or so. And then he suddenly sprung up on a dating website? It led me to the conclusion that he was trying to draw out Celestia is a plan to re-energize his body to reincarnate in the next couple of decades, but, of course, his inner sanctum of zealots wouldn’t let her just up and leave, leaving me as the only hope to come rescue her.”

Now both Celestia and Luna were staring at Deadpool in disbelief.

Deadpool snapped fingers. “Oh, and he also sent me an email asking me to come get you.”

“He did?” Celestia asked.

“Well, it was more of an email to Luna.”

“You’ve been reading my emails?” Luna shouted at the top of her lungs.

“Yes,” Deadpool answered simply.

Luna scrunched up her face with her hooves and pulled them down her cheeks. “But why?”

“Because, I’m a psychotic 90’s antihero created for the sole intent purpose to being deranged, bloodthirsty, and as unpolitically correct as possible.” Deadpool shook his head with both hands on his hips. “Seriously, how many times must this be repeated?”

Celestia sighed, repressing the instinct to smash her head against a wall whenever Deadpool was in her presence. “Look, Luna, can we just leave this place? I need some double-chocolate rocky road ice cream and a trashy romance novel to read after this date.”

“Gladly, sister,” Luna said, pointing a hoof back to the portal. “We’ll be back home in but a moment.”

“Wonderful,” Celestia said, joining Luna by her side as both princesses prepared to take off. Looking back to Deadpool, Celestia held back a grimace and asked, “Deadpool, would you like to join us?”

Deadpool waved his hand passively to them. “Nah, I think I’ll stick around kill some guards.”

“Any particular reason why?” Celestia asked, already questioning herself why she bothered to ask that.

Deadpool turned to the still active shield that was preventing him from being filled with bullets. “Those sweet helmets. I want one.” He withdrew a katana from his back and jumped through the shield into the fray. “And I know just how to get it!”

Celestia paused, overlooking Deadpool’s body getting blown to bits from bullets while he hacked off a guard’s head, to the God Emperor. The handsome man in that strange place wasn’t there, just an old corpse with just a shallow hint of the being he used to be. But in those black eye sockets, Celestia noticed a spark of gold glimmer forth. It was almost as if the long dead God Emperor was… winking at her?

“Celestia, are you ready to depart?” Luna asked, looking to where her sister was staring at. “Sister, is something wrong?”

After a few seconds, Celestia turned away, shaking her head with a heavy sigh. “No, Luna, it’s nothing. Just… a feeling.”

Luna tilted her head. “What type of feeling?”

Celestia walked past her sister, outstretched her wings, and took to the air to fly towards the portal. “A feeling like I missed out on something good.”

Author's Notes:

For the sidefic of the God Emperor and Celestia's relationship continuing, go check out Dating Of A Godly Variety! I'm sure you all will love it! Also, sorry for the late posting, the side story took longer to be approved than I thought. It updates every Monday and Thursday in accordance with this story.

Guest Chapter: Though When He Does, He Delivers The Goods (The Ponytrician)

Celestia eased her head through the door frame and slowly scanned the darkened kitchen. Satisfied that it was empty of ponies, she swiftly trit-trotted towards the kitchen bench where her objective lay, silently taunting her.

"My precious!" she exhaled lustfully, the gentle golden glow of her magic silently lifting the glass cloche off the cake stand; taste buds a-tingle and tongue a-flicker with anticipation, Celestia levitated a thick wedge of deliciously, sinfully moist cake towards her eagerly parting lips...

The kitchen lights snapped on.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" announced a gruff-yet-feminine voice.

Celestia sighed, a mixture of disappointment and exasperation, and regretfully lowered the slice of cake. "'Criminal scum?' Really, Luna? Firstly, this is the royal kitchens, and last time I looked, I was still a pony princess. Let me double-check... Wings? Yep. Horn? Yes. Totally freakin' awesome tiara? Tartarus, yes! Secondly," she glared at her sister, who was striding into the kitchen with her head held high, "this is my cake! Look!" The Princess of the Sun flailed a hoof at Ponies Exhibit A, the aforementioned cake. "It’s even decorated with a picture of my cutie mark!"

"What is criminal," the younger sister intoned, "is your completely deplorable lack of manners and etiquette when it comes to the consumption of baked confectionery." Luna levitated a pair of small plates and two cake forks, placing one of each on opposing sides of the kitchen bench. "What makes you scum," Luna remarked sourly, "is that you've been constantly avoiding me for the last two weeks." The Moon Princess raised a knife in the teal shimmer of her magic, deftly slicing the thick wedge into two smaller but equal-sized pieces that were then levitated onto the plates. "I can only assume that your last date was as stunningly unsuccessful as your previous efforts, and you've been actively preventing me from setting you up with your next match. So, what went wrong this time?" She speared a small chunk of cake with her fork and gestured at Celestia's slice. "As the young ponies say: 'sit yo ass down and spill it, bee-atch!'".

"You know, Luna," Celestia murmured, levitating her own fork, "I'm really starting to wonder about the effect that all these video games are having on you." She raised her hooves in mock surrender as Luna glared at her. "All right, all right! Keep your peytral on! I'm not changing the subject—can't a girl be worried about her little sis? If you must know," Celestia said around a mouthful of cake, "the date actually did go very well, and I haven't been avoiding you; I've been busy spending some *ahem* quality time with him..." She grinned a little sheepishly.

Luna seemed quite taken aback at this unexpected turn of events. "Oh! Uh... really? Well, um... do tell!" Her brow furrowed in recollection. "Some sort of winter god from one of the human worlds, isn't he?"

"Close," Celestia nodded, "He's a spirit embodying the human holiday that is equivalent to our own Hearth's Warming Eve. He's had a number of different names over the ages—Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle—but these days he tends to go by Santa Claus, or just plain Santa."

"Do go on," Luna prompted, as Celestia paused to take another bite of cake. "What's he like?"

"Well, he's very jolly; and extremely cuddly. And he has this amazingly thick and fluffy white beard—"

"What is it with you and beards?" Luna interrupted. "I mean, just look at some of your previous dates—if you can even see them behind all that face-fuzz!"

"So I like a bit of tickle when I’m smooching," Celestia huffed defensively. "Besides, beards are sexy."

"Whatever blows your mane back, Tia," Luna replied dryly. "*cough!*daddyissues*cough!*" she muttered into her hoof. "Sorry, cake crumb," she smiled innocently as Celestia glared daggers in her direction. "Do continue—you said that he's a holiday spirit? What does that entail?"

Celestia stared suspiciously at Luna for a moment, then grudgingly continued. "From what I understand, Santa spends the year manufacturing gifts and toys for the human children; then on the eve of the winter holiday he delivers them to the children who have been sufficiently well-behaved throughout the year and are deemed to be deserving of such presents—"

"While the ill-behaved ones are dealt a brutal, yet well-deserved and no doubt well-needed punishment," Luna nodded approvingly, "I like it!"

"No!" Celestia scowled. "The less well-behaved children are usually given a lesser gift. Traditionally it was a lump of coal, but these days it tends towards things like socks and underwear."

"Socks and undergarments... for children?!" The shock on Luna's face was quite evident. "Isn't that a little... risqué?"

"Humans," Celestia shrugged. "Go figure. But he’s mostly about the toys." She sighed dreamily. “Oh, the toys, Lulu! Next time I’m drunk, remind me and I’ll demonstrate to you the things Santa showed me that can be done with a skipping rope, toy train set, and a fuzzy teddy bear…”

“Thank you, dear sister, for that wonderful mental image. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go deplete Canterlot’s entire reserves of alcoholic beverages in an attempt to scour it from my memory.”

Celestia poked her tongue out at her younger sister. “That’s for the ‘beard’ remark.”

Luna rubbed at her temples with a hoof. “Alright, changing the subject—kind of—you say Santa does these deliveries in a single eve? Across an entire world? Even using teleportation, I don’t see how that’s possible.” She looked dubiously at Celestia. “He’s not using time magic, is he? You know how dangerous that is!”

Celestia shrugged dismissively. “Well, Santa claims he does all the deliveries in a single night, and I don’t see any reason to doubt his word; so he probably is using some sort of time magic to slow things down or speed them up. Though he doesn’t teleport—he carries all the gifts in a large sleigh drawn by nine magically flying reindeer.” She swallowed another mouthful of cake. “They’re a great bunch of guys and gals—maybe I should introduce you to them some time? They’re not afraid to join in with the sexy funtimes, either.”

“Too- toot!” Luna deadpanned. “The ‘Too-Much-Information Express’ has just pulled into Wrongville station...” The Moon Princess’s eyes widened in horror and she buried her face in her hooves. “Ugh! And just when I’d very nearly suppressed that toy train image. Good job, me!” Luna raised her head and took a calming breath. “Okay, if I might borrow a device of our dear Twilight Sparkle: let us perform the Santa Checklist. Good sense of humour? Check. Hard-working? Check. Loyal to fault? Check. Kindly and generous? Double check. Magical? Check. Good with the n00bs, err, children? Check. Acceptable levels of kinkiness? Debatable, but check. Meets the beard fetish—shut up; it’s a fetish and you know it! *Ahem!* Meets the beard fetish? Check. Has some decent friends? Check. No murderous spouses, siblings, arch-nemiseses, or all-three-in-one-person attempting to disrupt every date? Check. Totally sweet ride? Check. He’s not Deadpool? Check.” Luna levelled her gaze at her sister. ”Given everything I’ve just listed, you’re still sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night to gorge yourself on cake? Tia, he sounds completely perfect for you! So why is it that I sense a big ‘but’ coming—and for once I’m not referring to your expanding hindquarters.”

Celestia ignored the jibe. “Ah, Luna,” she sighed woefully as she licked a dollop of creamy white frosting from the tip of her fork, “it would seem that Santa comes only once a year…”

Author's Notes:

Now go back and re-read the chapter title.

Guest chapter written by the splendidly magnificent The Ponytrician. Go check him out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 13: You Guessed It!

“This seems oddly familiar,” Celestia mentioned.

Her date shrugged, filling up his wine glass with an amused smirk on his devilishly handsome features. Not from a bottle, but instead from his cane, the top acting as a never ending wine fountain.

“I have no idea what you mean, my dear,” Sheogorath said, sipping from his glass while staring at her with those strange, demon-like eyes of her that bore through to her very soul, like he was sizing her up as prey rather than… well, other types of prey you typically don’t eat… most of the time.

“It’s just that I have this weird sense of déjà vu.” Celestia frowned, tapping her hoof on the table and humming under her breath. “Yet I just can’t put my hoof on it…”

“I prefer hooves over fingers myself. Nasty things, fingers. You never hear about getting entrails stuck in your hooves, but somehow, it always gets into your fingernails!” The Daedric Prince broke out into a rambling, giggle-filled laugh, broken up into snide chuckles and psychotic cackling that would put even the best—or rather, worst—mental patient to shame.

Celestia pouted her lips, inspecting Sheogorath closely. At first appearance, he seemed more normal than the typical god of chaos like you’d expect. Sure, he was dressed in ridiculous yet lavish manner, his outfit’s colors clashing together in such chaotic way that it looked like he picked bits and pieces from the wardrobe of a nobleman and put them on without a care in the world. He was tall, slender, overall scrawny, with a hawk-like nose and trimmed beard with styled back hair that had an air of sophistication about him. But the more she looked at him, the more her mind began to wonder to… unpleasant places.

Picking up his plate, Sheogorath forced it in front of her face and asked, “A slice of cheese, my dear, a slice of cheese?” The piece of cheese on the plate looked at Celestia with blinking eyeholes in the swiss and smiled, resembling Sheogorath with an uncanny yet cheesy resemblance. “It’s positively magnificent!”

Grimacing, Celestia pushed the plate away and shook her head. “No, no, I think I’m quite alright. I’m… lactose intolerant.”

“My, my, being intolerant of lactose now? How very uncivil of you. And what did lactose ever do to you to make you hate it so much?” Sheogorath’s eyes shined with a malicious light, another incoherent giggling fit breaking out again.

Sighing and rubbing the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof, Celestia asked, “Listen, Sheogorath, do you know someone by the name of Discord? Tall, dark, draconequus, Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony? Has a knack for chocolate milk and cotton candy?”

Sheogorath slapped his knee and laughed, his eyes glowing a vibrant yellow. “Ah, Discy, of course I know him! We were good buddies in college! I haven’t talked to the ol’ chap in years! Why, he’d go on and on about chocolate milk this and chaos that, while I talk about chaos that and cheese this! Ah, good times. Except for the not so good times, which were almost all the time!” Sheogorath crossed his arms after that large outburst. “I hate chocolate milk.”

Celestia got out of her seat and took a couple of steps back. “Yeeeeeeeeeah, I think I’m just going to, um… be going now. It’s not you, it’s me… well, actually, it is you, but I was just trying to make you feel better. I’ve already had too many back experiences with Discord in the past to know that anyone who used to be his buddy isn’t the type of suitor I’m looking for.” However, just as she turned around, Sheogorath was in her way, leaning down on his cane to meet her eye to eye.

“And why would you be leaving? The date’s just getting started, the shindig is getting shinny, the party is just getting perkier by the minute!” Sheogorath clapped his hands together and sighed, thumping his cane twice on the floor. “Unless, of course, this is an end to our arrangements.”

“Well, I have to admit—”

“Oh, bemoan the night and the day and twilight hours between them for such an occurrence to befall one such as yourself!” Sheogorath declared, holding a hand to his forehead in an over-dramatic prose. “For it is not the evening tides that drag you away, but your own heart that does! I would say mine, but that blasted internal organ played hooky centuries ago, and I haven’t found him since.”

Already Celestia had sneaked around him, tiptoeing to the nearest exit from the restaurant as fast as her hooves could take her.

All the while, Sheogorath continued his mindless tirade, picking up with, “Is it not obvious that our relationship is how the common squirrel wants the enticing nut? I’d like to think of myself as the squirrel, of course. Nuts are a bit too nutty for me. Who knew? But still, it was never meant to be! And it has all become so clear to me, I am astonished, nay, horrified I didn’t see it before!”

Celestia opened the doorway, but instead of a miraculous escape for the ramblings of a Mad God, she got a solid wave of cheese that fell on top of her. She was at the bottom of a pile of cheese upon cheddar upon swiss and even aged chelsea. Poking her head out from the cheesy pile, Celestia was once again confronted by the crinkled smile of Sheogorath.

“You see, my dear, I’m just too good for you,” he said, winking.

“Actually, I think I agree with you.” Looking over herself, Celestia sighed. “I’m much too cheesy.”

Author's Notes:

Please forgive me for that terrible pun, for I am but a sinner.

Guest Chapter: Many Bothans Died To Bring You This Chapter (The Ponytrician)

Princess Celestia gazed over the top of her menu and past the twin tapers burning atop on the intimate table-for-two that separated her from the latest offering from that accursed website. She surreptitiously studied her partner for the evening, who was busy pouring over his own menu: a man with short, brush-backed dark hair, eyes with color that seemed to constantly evade being described, no beard (alas!), and wearing an odd one-piece uniform of black and red. The only adornment was four golden dots on the right collar, and a gold arrow-head-and-oval brooch on the left breast.

"So, um, Mr Q?" she ventured, breaking the silence. "It is Mr Q, isn't it?"

"Please, my dear, Princess Celestia," he replied in a tone that could best be described as pure, concentrated smarm. "Call me Q. However, seeing as this is a date and we should be on a first-name basis, you call can me Q. Don't call me Q, though; it'll just get confusing and quite frankly it's a little insulting—I'm nothing like that guy!"

"Okay, then, Q—"

"Q," Q corrected.

"Right... Q. I can't help but feel that there's something very familiar about you." Celestia frowned slightly in concentration as she sipped at a glass of her favorite vintage. "Are you certain we haven't met before?"

"Oh, you know how it is," Q dismissed her query with an expansive gesture that encompassed the interior of the exclusive Prench restaurant that was the scene of their date; the kind of place where the price of the meals was inversely proportional to the size of the servings. "Meddle with the entirety of creation for several billion years and you get to have one of those familiar faces."

"It's not so much the face as the voice..."

"You know what?" Q suddenly interrupted, throwing his menu over his shoulder. "This really isn't doing it for me." He looked around at the restaurant, with it's intimate tables, subtle lighting and decoration, impeccably dressed waitponies, and soothing chamber music coming from the discreetly concealed string quartet in a corner. "It's just so... cliché. We need something with a little more je ne sais quois!" Q raised his right hand and snapped his fingers.

There was a bright flash of light, and Celestia suddenly found the classic Prench interior of the restaurant transformed into what could only be described as a tropical island. Palm trees swayed in the warm ocean breeze and seagulls circled lazily overhead, as waves gently swooshed their way up and down the beach. It might have actually been rather pleasant, though Celestia couldn't help but feel that the whole experience was somewhat diminished by the confused and startled reactions of the waitstaff and other restaurant patrons. That, and the annoyingly jaunty tune that had just been struck up by the Mariachi band further down the beach, drowning out the sounds of the string quartet.

"Now that's more like it!" Q exclaimed.

Celestia gazed down at her drink, only to discover that the glass of rather cheeky Marelot had been replaced by a large hollowed-out pineapple sprouting a small forest of tiny paper umbrellas, swirly straws, swizzle sticks, and chunks of fruit on toothpicks. She glanced inside the pineapple; something was swimming around inside it. It waved at her. She resisted the brief temptation to wave back.

"Discord!" she hissed, raising her head from the fruit-drink to glare narrow-eyed at her date. "Joke's over, Discord. Now put everything back the way it was this instant!"

Q blinked in surprise. "I'm afraid you have me at a loss, my dear Celestia—"

"I know it's you, Discord! I knew I recognized that voice!" She jumped to her hooves, wings flared and head held high. "If you won't admit that it's you, I'll prove it!" Her horn sparkled with golden light, as her eyes glowed white with intense eldritch energy. There was a blinding flash rimmed with coruscating rainbow energy, and a rush of sound that drowned out all else.

"—got hearts... as strong as horses; we've got heeeeeeeearts—" Discord, bedecked in a traditional Prench maid outfit, wielding a feather duster and a light fitting, paused mid-song. He placed claw and talon on his hips, and glared at Celestia. "Oh, come on now! This really is just too rude!" He raised the light fitting and glanced around. "Now where am I supposed to hang this lampshade?"

Celestia's jaw sagged. Her eyes traveled back to Q, who was watching the proceedings with mild amusement. "I could have sworn..." she trailed off.

"Discord, old chap," Q exclaimed with delight, "you haven't changed a bit!"

"Q, you old rascal," Discord said, casting aside the duster and lampshade, both of which promptly exploded, "you haven't changed enough!" With a flash he appeared next to Q, sans maid outfit. The pair exchanged a complicated hand/claw-shake that made Celestia's head ache just to watch it.

"...You two know each other?" Celestia rubbed a hoof at her temples, trying to quell the growing headache.

"Know each other? Why, we went to college together!" Q explained. "We were even members of the same fraternity—Koppa Upsilon Epsilon." Q nudged Discord with an elbow. "Hey, remember Irritating Authority Figures 101 with ol' 'Lucy' Morning Star?"

"Ahhh, yes. Good times."

Q gestured at Celestia. "So, Discord, old buddy; how is that this fine lady is able to summon you at a whim?"

"Oh, I had a bit of thing going on with Celly and her sister back in the day," Discord replied dismissively while swimming backstroke though the air

"Her and her sister?" Q raised an eyebrow and looked at Celestia with renewed interest. "Nice!" Q offered a fist, which Discord obligingly bumped; a nearby restaurant table exploded in a shower of gummy bears clad in leather underwear.

Celestia slumped back into her seat, head between her hooves. "This isn't happening. This is not happening. Dear sister, please let this be a nightmare. Feel free to come wake me anytime now!"

"I had to break it off, though," continued Discord, "things started getting a bit awkward."

"You conquered our land and tried to turn it into a realm of chaos," Celestia growled through clenched teeth. "We imprisoned you in stone for a thousand years!"

"See? A guy's career just starts taking off and going places, and then all of a sudden they start getting clingy and possessive. By the way, that whole imprisoned in stone thing? Not as much fun as it sounds." Discord, hovering several feet off the sand, circled Q while examining him. "So, Q old boy, what brings you to Equestria. And what's with the fancy pajamas? They're so 23rd Century."

Q straightened his unitard. "I heard that these pretty pony princess types went for guys in uniform, particularly Captains." He paused in thought for a moment. "However, I might be a couple of seasons behind the times on that."

"Oooh, is this a date, then?" Discord made smooching faces at Celestia. "How positively delightful that you decided to invite me along..." He tapped a talon against his chin. "In fact, there's an idea." Discord raised a paw, thumb and fingers poised. "This date, and the fun, is about to be doubled."

"Don't you dare..."

*Snap!* *Flash!*

"—ake it so, Number One." The speaker, a bald-headed man, shorter than Q and dressed in identical attire, halted at his sudden appearance on the beach and looked around. His eyes locked on Q. "I'm in the middle of something rather important, Q," he barked in an authoritative tone. "I demand that you return me at once!"

Q raised both hands in mock surrender. "This is none of my doing, Jean-Luc!" He gestured towards Discord. "Why don't you ask your date?"

Discord, now dressed in a red sequined slit-to-the-thigh cocktail dress, flowing blonde wig, and extremely well-padded bustier, sidled up to the man referred to as Jean-Luc and slipped an arm through the crook of his elbow. "Aren't you going to tell me how ravishing I look?" he simpered, fluttering false eyelashes and pouting ruby red lips.

"Discord!" Celestia snapped. "This is between the three of us! Send, uh, Mr...?"

"Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise," Captain Picard said, disentangling himself from Discord and bowing to Celestia. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, madame." His gaze traveled back and forth between Q and Discord. "Although, I wish it had been under more pleasant circumstances."

"Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria," Celestia said and bowed in return, "and likewise." She turned to Discord, who had turned his head into a hammer and was busy trying to nail two small restaurant tables together into a single piece of furniture. "Discord, stop acting like a tool and send Captain Picard home. NOW!"

"Spoilsport," Discord sulked.

"A pair of old sticks in the mud," Q agreed.

"Discord..."

"Fine."

"Arrivederci, mon Capitan!"

"Call me!" Discord waved.

*Snap!* *Flash!*

Once again, the island beach was deserted. Well, not counting the two dozen befuddled restaurant patrons, several waitponies busy sun-bathing, one extremely stressed-looking maître d trying to construct a boat from a large soup tureen and a tablecloth, and the Mariachi band and string quartet engaging in an impromptu battle of the bands-come-jam session; but theirs is another story.

Q wrapped an arm each around Celestia and Discord. "So, just the three of us, once more. How about we blow this popsicle stand and go paint the town several interesting shades of plaid?"

"No," Celestia shrugged out of Q's embrace. "Never. This is date is well and truly over. Don't bother contacting me, because there won't be a second one." She glared at Discord. "Especially if he's there."

"See, Celestia," Discord remarked, "This is why we didn't work out. You've got to understand that sometimes a guy needs to spend some time hanging with his bro's!"

There was splash as Celestia's pineapple beverage was up-ended over Discord's head. Spreading her wings, Celestia launched herself into the air and vanished in a flare of golden sunlight.

Discord fished a paper umbrella out of one nostril and turned to Q. "Was it something I said?"

"Luna, come pick me up."

...

"Vanhoover. That exquisite little Prench restaurant just off the main street. You'll recognize it by the entire Marebbean Island chain, complete with ocean, on the inside. If that's not enough, just follow the sound of the dueling Mariachi band and string quartet."

...

"No, not Discord. Worse than that—turns out he's one of Discord's old frat buddies."

...

"Yes, I used the Discord summoning spell. Yes, I'm a freakin' idiot. You'd better swing by Ponyville and pick up Fluttershy on the way through; who knows what trouble those two will cause unchaperoned."

...

"Look, I don't give a damn about your kill-streak! This is NOT up for discussion! You're going to come pick me up, then we're going home to watch rom-coms in our pajamas while eating ice cream and drinking booze until I throw up, pass out, or both!"

...

"Why do I hear laughing in the background? Is somepony else... is that Deadpool?!"

...

"What the heck is a 'camper-n00b pwning co-op session'? Ugh, look, y'know what? It doesn't matter. Just come get me, okay?"

...

"Okay, fine. Whatever. But if he ends up wearing a frilly frou-frou nighty, with his hair up in mane-curlers while I paint his toenails different colors of the rainbow, he's not allowed to complain."

...

"...What does he mean 'That is my fetish!'?!"

Author's Notes:

This has been another quality product from Sleep Deprivation Productions™.

Guest chapter written by the resolute and always admirable The Ponytrician. Go check him out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 14: Sharply Smart

Celestia was having a strange sense of déjà vu, which surprisingly enough seemed to be a common feeling when it comes to immortals. Only now, that sense was not so much as strange as predictable at this point, and it only got worse still as the date went on.

Waving a hoof in front of her muzzle and coughing, Celestia asked, “Would you kindly not smoke while we’re eating, please?”

Her date arched a brow, scratching his unshaven sideburns that made him look like a dirty hobo in a nonchalant manner. Under her scrutinous glare, he shrugged and doused his cigar in his drink.

“Sorry ‘bout that, bub,” Wolverine said.

Celestia grimaced, but still tried to show him a pleasant smile… or at least her best attempt at one. “It’s no problem, really. I’ve just had… really bad experiences in the past with smoking.” She shuddered. “Never again.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry ‘bout nothin’ with that when you’re out with me,” Wolverine assured her, a cheeky grin on his chiseled features. Before Celestia could appreciate his strong jawline or his deep, hazel brown eyes, Wolverine unsheathed three metallic claws from the back of his hand, and stabbed his half-finished steak with them, not even bothering with the fork and knife next to his plate. Chewing on the greasy cut of meat impaled on his claws, Wolverine asked, “You gonna eat or what?”

Celestia stared down at her plate, which was filled with all manners of greasy, meaty, oily, unappetizing and overall disgusting foods to choose from. Looking up and observing their date site, which was a seedy bar that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since it opened, Celestia wasn’t surprised.

Pushing her plate to her ravenous date, she said, “No… I think I’m good for now.”

Shrugging, Wolverine just dumped her plate onto his and began diving into his meal like a wild animal.

Holding back her utter revulsion, Celestia hoped her date was a better conversationalist than an eater. “So… is Wolverine your actual name, or…?”

“Name’s Logan,” Wolverine answered simply. “Most people call me Wolverine though.” He smiled, showing off intimidating canines that added onto his overall feral look with his unkept hair and sharp features. “Haven’t a clue why, myself.”

“I, uh… can come up with a couple of guesses.” Gulping back some vomit that had tried to sneak past her tonsils, Celestia’s smile dripped down to a moot half-grin. “So… Logan, is it? What do you do for fun?”

“I beat up bad guys,” he answered simply. He used his claws to dig out a piece of stringy meat stuck in between his teeth, the process making Celestia gag. “And good guys on the occasion. Both hit the same pretty much, so I ain’t picky.”

“Well, isn’t that… energetic.”

“Oh, and I like building and customizing custom choppers. Nothin’ like cruising along in a bike you built yourself,” Wolverine said, a bit of pride shining in his words.

Celestia smirked, though this one was much less forced than before. “That actually sounds quite nice. So, what type of—”

Before she could finish her question, Celestia’s words and her head were cut nearly in half when a katana stuck itself point deep into the table, the sharp edge inches away from Celestia’s muzzle.

Wolverine’s other pair of claws came out in a flash, a deep growl sounding from him as he jumped atop the table, looking all around at the bar. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who thinks he can interupt my date?”

“Your date?” a figure from the shadows spoke. The figure stepped into the light from a single hanging bulb. “I think you mean my date!” Deadpool said, decked out in his usual red and black jumpsuit attire, along with complementary bowtie to complete the look. He held a box of chocolates—Celestia’s favorite—and roses in his hands.

“Oh for the love of…” Celestia sighed deeply, rubbing her brow with an agitated hoof.

“Son of a bitch,” Wolverine grumbled, glancing sideways to Celestia. “Don’t tell me you agreed to go out with this guy?”

“Only once!” Celestia stated, pulling at her mane while gritting her teeth. “And I haven’t been able to get rid of him since!”

Wolverine sniggered. “Yeah, sounds like Deadpool, alright.”

“You’ve gone too far this time, Wolverine! First it was my car, then my house, then my mother, and finally my girl?” Deadpool cast away his trifle tokens of affection and pulled out his other trifle tokens of affection, which came in gun and bullet form.

Wolverine held up a hand. “Okay, first off, I already apologized… well, sorta, about blowing up your apartment. Your car was actually someone else’s you stole and I crashed. At the time, I didn’t know the woman was your mother, and I seriously still doubt that since you’re about a decade older than her. And lastly, Celestia agreed to go on a date with me, not you.”

“Oh yeah?” Deadpool pointed the barrel of his gun to where Celestia was sitting. “Let’s just ask her then.”

However, the seat was abandoned, Celestia having taken the smart course of action and jumping through the bar window when no one was looking.

Wolverine, still on the table with his claws unsheathed, and Deadpool, still armed to the teeth and then some, looked at one another in awkward silence.

“So…” Wolverine began, straightening up his back. “Yeah… uh…”

“Wanna fight and whoever loses the least amount of organs has to buy the other a drink?” Deadpool suggested.

Smirking, Wolverine jumped off the table, attempting a downward slash at Deadpool’s torso. “Sounds good to me!”

Deadpool started firing, laughing as bullets filled up Wolverine while his own chest was impaled by Wolverine’s claws. “Hey, you cheater!”

Both of the heroes—if they could even be called that—laughed and fought, while Celestia stood outside in the cold waiting for a taxi, questioning her life choices once again in the exact same situation.

Yeah, definitely a strange case of déjà vu for this date, that’s for sure.

Guest Chapter: Writing Ponies Leads To Writing Gods (Razalon The Lizardman)

“Come on, sister!” Luna said from the computer chair. “Surely you haven’t given up on finding a date yet? We’ve only just scratched the surface of possible suitors for yourself.”

Celestia glared at her sister from the couch, a shot glass filled with the most expensive alcohol bits could buy held in her telekinesis. She took a sip before giving a reply.

“If what I’ve experienced so far was just the tip, then that’s all the more reason as to why we should just stop this charade and learn to enjoy our single, pathetic, immortal lives.” She took another sip and sighed. “And I’d be just fine with that. I hear divorce rates among divinity is on the rise nowadays anyway; no need to make myself a part of that.”

Luna leveled a stern glare at her sister. “You know what I think, sister? I think you expect too much from your dates.”

“And what do you mean by that?” Celestia asked, turning away to stare at the blank, blue wall of her sister’s room indifferently.

“What I mean is you expect each date to be absolute perfection incarnate, and are too quick to give up when their flaws shine through.” Luna increased the intensity of her stare at her sister’s backside. “If you could learn to accept their flaws and judge them as a whole, I’m positive you’d find someone whom you’d forever be happy with.”

Celestia considered this for a moment as she finished off her wine and set it down on the nearby nightstand.

“Alright,” she finally said, “I’ll give it another shot.”

“Hooray!” Luna shouted, clapping her fore hooves together. She then turned around in her seat and began searching. “Now, who shall the lucky devil be this time?”

Celestia stared in boredom up at the ceiling. “Hopefully someone that actually knows how to treat a lady.”

“Another drink Celessstia?” Apep asked the solar alicorn, using his tail to hold up the wine bottle for her.

Celestia blushed as she levitated her shot glass under it, allowing the snake deity to fill it. “Thanks Apep,” she said, a slight sparkle in her eyes.

“Ah, but what kind of date would I be if I wasssn’t mindful of your needsss?” The Egyptian God of Chaos winked at her, causing Celestia’s blush to deepen tenfold. “Ssspeaking of, I trust all isss to your sssatisssfaction?

Celestia looked around her and Apep, taking in the atmosphere, or rather, lack thereof, of their date’s location. Space. Specifically, right next to the sun which she controlled. The heat that emanated from it would’ve vaporized any being of a lesser stature than the two gods which currently dined within its reach. Apep had asked Celestia to choose the date’s location, so she’d chosen a place that was: isolated from civilization, comfortable for both of them, and hadn’t anything that was susceptible to damage.

All there was in the recesses of space surrounding the sun was one Egyptian God of Chaos, one Equestrian Sun Princess, and a table adorned with the most beautiful (and likely delicious) flowers Celestia had ever laid eyes on. If it wasn’t for the fact that Apep’s appearance was downright scary, Celestia would say Luna had found her the perfect suitor. However, she’d promised to accept such trivial flaws and look at Apep for the charming, attentive and, while creepy, clearly strong-willed and caring for others god that he was.

“Yes, Apep,” she replied dreamily, “I’m very sssatisssfied.”

Apep chuckled at Celestia’s poor imitation of his accent. “Then ssso am I,” he replied back.

“I must admit, though,” Celestia continued, taking a sip of her drink and relishing in its otherworldly flavor before continuing. “I had a plethora of doubts when I learned you were a God of Chaos, given my own experiences with them.”

“Ah yesss, Dissscord,” Apep hissed, an irritated expression adorning his serpentine face. “He alwaysss wasss jealousss of my sssuccesss with the ladiesss in Chaosss Universssity.” He chuckled again, lighter and more evilly. “I take it he’sss ssstill sssingle?”

“Indeed he is,” Celestia confirmed with a nod, taking another sip of her drink. “Perhaps he should set up his own notforeveralone.com profile and try to find a suitable match for himself?”

“That he should, Celessstia,” Apep replied, “that he should.”

The two sat in silence for a few minutes after that, just staring dreamily at each other, fully convinced they’d found their soulmate. Finally, Apep broke the silence.

“Celessstia?” he said, bringing his tail behind him.

Celestia arched an eyebrow in confusion before blushing more profusely than ever in realization of what Apep was about to do. “Y-y-yes?” she stuttered.

Apep began bringing his tail around again. “Will you-”

*grrrrrrgh*

“Damn you!” Apep shouted at his stomach in frustration before sighing and saying, “one moment pleassse while I quench my hunger.”

Apep then stretched his already enormous maw even bigger. And bigger. And bigger still until it was as big as the sun they sat next to, which he promptly swallowed whole in one fluid motion. He took a moment to let the megaton fiery ball’s burning taste settle in his mouth before using his inner jaw to push it down his throat. The skin along his body swelled to accommodate the massive fiery meal, and smoke appeared to leak from underneath Apep’s scales as the swallowed sun was extinguished by his digestive juices. Slowly but surely, Apep’s body shrunk back to normal size, the sun finally dead.

“Ah, that hit the ssspot,” he remarked, and brought out the ring from behind his back. “Celessstia, will you marry- WHAT IN MY NAME!?”

Apep stared horrified at the free-floating form of Princess Celestia, her eyes glazed over and body stiff as a board.

“Celessstia?”

“. . .”

“No.”

“. . .”

“No!”

“. . .”

Luna is a dead mare when I revive.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Author's Notes:

For reference for who exactly Apep is in this guest chapter, please refer your attention to Fimfic Writes Ponies.

Guest chapter written by the too cool for school and undoubtedly awesome Razalon The Lizardman. Go check his stories out, such as Malefic Bonds if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 15: Anarchy Arachnid

Celestia stared at her date with a careful eye. She didn’t even bother to sip from her drink, which was a rare event indeed for any time Celestia decides to go on another ridiculous soiree with a suitor. For a change of pace—and because most restaurants were fearful to even let her within their doors—Celestia had chosen this date in the castle’s dining hall, where a small ball over some asinine as usual noble party was being thrown. Instead of the usual stuck-up aristocrat sticking their nose into her business to suck-up to her, none dared even approach her.

Of course, her date might just be that reason. Dressed in the blackest of silk that absorbed all light that struck it with a crimson crown atop her head in adorned splendidly, her date carried an aura of elegance and an almost deadly beauty around her.

“Why, my sweet, you seem to be quiet this evening,” Lolth said in a purring, sophisticated voice that practically dripped with a sickly sweet honey. Her face looked to be carved from the finest stone by the gods themselves, feature perfectly cut and beautiful in each and every way. Sipping her own wine with blood red lips, Lolth smiled, fangs peeking through. “Is something the matter?”

Celestia shook her head, poking at her dish with a fork. “Oh, it’s nothing, really. Just thinking.”

Lolth parted a pristine white lock of hair behind her pointed ear. “And what would be that, my sweet? What are you thinking about in your pretty, pretty head?”

“The usual. Like how I’m getting the biggest creep vibe from you, currently.” Celestia poked her food again, a spider crawling out of the mashed potatoes. “Oh, and ever since we sat down I’ve been finding spiders crawling through my dish in an infestation.”

A noble on the dance floor cried out. Arachnids of all shapes, sizes, and disgustity were crawling through her hair, descending like rain from the ceiling. Her cries were joined by others as spiders poured out of the floorboards like a river, crawling and jumping on the bodies of Canterlot’s elite like hotcakes. Before too long, all the ponies in the room were either rolling on the floor to dislodge the unwanted arachnid invasion, or passed out from sheer and utter panic.

“That too,” Celestia added.

“Oh, deary me,” Lolth said, holding a dainty claw to her lips. “It seems I just can’t control myself when I’m excited.”

Celestia sighed. “It appears so.” Turning back to Lolth, Celestia asked, “So, Lolth, I presume you’re some type of god of spiders, correct?”

“The drow, actually. A subspecies of elves that tend to be on… let’s say, the darker side of life. I am but the Queen of Spiders.” Lolth giggled, sipping her wine. “I must say, you’re quite astute, my sweet.”

“You tend to become that when you start dating as many immortals as I have,” Celestia replied. “Now, this is just a vague at best guess, and correct if I’m wrong, but are you evil? Like, extremely and totally obsessed with the dark side type of evil?”

Lolth tapped her chin with a claw and hummed under her breath. “Correct again, my sweet. How did you know?”

“Preeeeeeeeeeetty unusual for the Queen of Spiders to be anything but evil,” Celestia pointed out. “Plus, you calling me your ‘sweet’ all the time makes me pretty certain you wanted to eat me.”

“Correct again, my… dear.” Lolth finished off the rest of her wine, wiping a pale claw over her crimson red lips. “I am a chaotic deity that revels in all things evil. Which is why spiders have such an appeal to me.”

Celestia slapped her forehead with a hoof. “Oh great, not another chaos god!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Did you know a guy named Discord back in college?”

Lolth’s smile quickly transformed into a snarl. “Discord? Discord? That sniveling worm! I dated that jerk for two centuries, and what did he do? Broke it off with me on graduation! Why, if I ever got my fangs on him…” Lolth’s bottom half exploded in a mess of spider legs that broke her chair and the table, crushing the furniture into splinters. “I’ll rip out his throat!”

Celestia backed away from the mess and nodded her head sadly. “Yeah, I kind of guessed that. Though, I turned him into stone instead.”

Lolth was still burning with anger, but temporarily it was doused by Celestia’s comment, and before too long the vicious spider demon goddess… lady, was laughing. “Stone? Is that so. Not a particularly enjoyable end to that sniveling dog for my liking, but I presume it must have been amusing to see him frozen in defeat each day.”

“It was even funnier the second time,” Celestia admitted with a grin.

Lolth smirked. “Well, well, well, aren’t we the devious beauty?” Looking around at the utter cataclysm and spiders ruining hairdos and fine clothing all around, Lolth shrugged. “I suppose I’ve put you in quite a pickle right now.”

“Oh no, it’s fine. The nobles need to be roughed up every once in a while so that they don’t become too much of a bore.”

“Quite right,” Lolth agreed. Lolth scratched the back of her neck and coughing under her breath. “Any enemy of Discord is a friend of mine, so, I guess I should apologize for planning to feast on you.”

“Hey, think of it as no bother.” Celestia looked over her shoulder to the exit. “In fact, you want to go out for a drink? I think I need it.”

Lolth smiled wide, her arachnid fangs peeking out from her jaws. “I’d love to!”

“You can’t eat anyone.”

“Awwwwwww.”

Luna burst through the bar doors, pointing her magical horn fully charged at anyone moving. “Celestia, are you alright? I did background checks and found out that Lolth is a blood-sucking psychopath demon goddess! Where are you?”

“Whooo-hooo!” Celestia called out, waving her hoof. She was seated at the front bar with Lolth at her side. Downing another shot glass, ponies all around cheered, Lolth quickly following her, both their cheeks red from excitement and excessive intake of cheap liquors.

Luna approached the two, her jaw hanging low while her eyes were wide. “Dear sister, what do you think you’re doing? Lolth is evil! Pure and unfiltered malice in a body of woe and hatred! And you’re… taking kamikaze shots with her?”

“Talking about kamikaze…” Lolth slammed another shot glass in front of Celestia and quickly drank her own. “How about another?”

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah!” Celestia ignored Luna and engulfed her shot in just one slurp.

“Sister, are you drunk?” Luna asked.

Celestia blinked, finally noticing that Luna was beside her. “What, me, drunk? Nah, I’m cool, I’m cool.” Celestia turned and smacked her lips against Lolth’s, their tongues mashing together in a warm, wet, passionate kiss as they moaned and groped one another. Breaking away with a trail of saliva on her lips while still holding onto Lolth, Celestia said, “Now I’m hot!”

As Celestia and Lolth returned to their quickly becoming mature rated makeout session as stallions everywhere cheered and cried tears of joy, Luna’s left eye twitched as her eyes stared off somewhere in the unknown distance.

“Yep, I’m definitely gonna need therapy now,” Luna whispered. “So, so much therapy!”

Author's Notes:

Bonus chapter later today to make up for the missed updates. Thank you for your patience!

Chapter 16: Geez Louise! That's Your Name, Right?

Author's Notes:

Spoilers for Breaking Bad near the end. Blame Deadpool, he's an ass.
Co-written with Xl9, who is also an ass, but a good looking one.

Celestia glanced at the clock on the restaurant wall. Half past nine. When her date was supposed to meet her at eight. Sighing, Celestia pressed her face against the table and groaned loudly. “Great, just great, another night down the drain for a no-show date!”

“Madame princess?” a waiter asked, appearing by her side.

Celestia didn’t bother lifting her head up. “Unless you’re gonna offer me another bottle of wine, I’m not in the mood for more dessert.”

“It is not that.” The waiter placed a plate before her, a golden lamp of foreign origin sitting on top. “Your date said for you to rub this.”

“Rub it?” Celestia asked, picking the lamp up with her magic. “Like, with my hoof?”

“He slipped me a twenty. I’m not about to ask why he wants you to rub it.” And with that, the waiter departed, leaving Celestia and her very strange lamp alone at the table.

Inspecting the lamp closer, Celestia narrowed her eyes as her obscured reflection off its bright and shiny surface. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” Celestia tapped her chin. “Oh yeah, because I’m not a complete and utter moron.” Yet still, she had nothing better to do, and if nothing else it would hopefully reveal the contrived reason for why her date didn’t show up. “The hindsight is gonna bite me hard on the ass, I just know it,” Celestia muttered, rubbing the lamp gingerly with her hoof.

As soon as she rubbed it, a large blue… thing shot out of the top. With a curvy beard and a long wispy tail, Celestia’s date appeared to be the person she least expected to meet on a date. “Helloooo there!” He greeted, sinking down into the chair on the other end of the table. “I see that my good friend was on time with his delivery, was he not?”

“You’re an hour and thirty minutes late,” Celestia pointed out. “And your good friend swindled you out of twenty bits.”

“What?” The blue creature’s eyebrows literally shot off his head. “But I told him to be here right on time!” A watch popped onto his wrist as he gave it a meaningful eye. “Gah! You’re right! So sorry about that, Princess.” The watched poofed out of existence. “My name’s Genie, but you can call me ‘Gene’ if you like.”

“That’s quite alright… Gene.” Celestia finished off the last of her wine in her glass, having not even bothered to keep count on how many she consumed. The hangover was going to be a killer one, this she was sure of, but that was future Celestia’s problem. “Sorry I’m not in the best of moods. I thought you had stuck me up.”

“What? Me?” Genie asked, pointing a thumb at his chest, suddenly causing hundreds of random hands to point at him. He snapped, and the hands disappeared. “That’’s like denyin’ a wish, I can’t do that!”

“So, you’re an actual genie?” Celestia asked, a small smile parting her lips. “Kind of weird to be named after what you are, don’t you think?”

Genie shrugged nonchalantly. “One thousand years in the Cave of Wonders can make anybody forget their real name, wouldn’t you agree?”

“You were in a… wait, no, I’m not even going to ask,” Celestia said, shuddering. “The only guy I know who’s been trapped in a prison for a thousand years and still managed to remember his name was Discord, but he’s already so loony I’m not sure how his mind works now.”

“Ah!” A large computer monitor appeared, showing a long row of comments. “This is where I mention the academy, right? Bring some continuity into this story, maybe give the readers a slight giggle?”

“Wha—”

“Wrong!” Genie screamed into a megaphone knocking the Princess’ drink over. “I actually met him at an ice cream parlor when I still did the whole ‘three wishes’ gig. He just asked for complete control over some weird place called Equestria, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t say yes?”

“You gave a complete stranger you just met at an ice cream parlor control over a place you’ve never even heard of?” Celestia asked slowly. “And he’s your friend?”

“Of course I gave him complete authoritarian control!” Genie laughed at the memory. “I mean, it’s not like I would ever go on a date with their ruler or anything. He actually said something like…” Genie’s head turned into Discord’s as he tried to do an impression of the chaos spirit.

“Help me dethrone that stuck up, boring, unattractive, fat, smelly, princess…” Genie slowly realized what he was saying. His head popped back to normal, cautiously eying Celestia’s enraged expression. “... Oh.” After a very uncomfortable silence, he spoke again, “Yeah, and we’re friends.”

Celestia took a deep breath in, then released it in a long exhale. Looking disappointingly at her empty wine glass, Celestia frowned. “Well… that certainly explains a lot. And yeah, looks like hindsight was right once again.” Celestia’s brows furrowed. “That cruel, heartless bitch.”

“Oh!” Genie’s enthusiasm seemed to snap right back to him. “He called you that too.”

“Oooooof course he did.” Celestia rubbed her temples and groaned. “Well, this date sure did a number on my already building migraine tonight. Wonderful.”

“Hey,” Genie floated over to Celestia. “Discord, Q, and I were thinking about hanging out in Las Pegasus this weekend, want to meet us there?”

“... Will there be free drinks?”

Genie snapped, a tray of all sorts of alcohols appearing on the table. “Your wish is granted.”

Celestia stared at the tray of free booze, then back at Genie, than back to the tray again. Shrugging, Celestia picked up a gin and tonic and started guzzling it all down at once. “Hindsight can kiss my ass!”

“Yo, Luna, phone for ya,” Deadpool called out, throwing Luna’s cellphone up in the air.

Luna caught it in her magical grip, sticking some more popcorn in her mouth as she answered in a muffled, “Hello?”

“Luna, I need your help!” Celestia said on the other side of the line.

Luna gulped, wiping away some buttery residue on her coat. “Is this the type of help that involves me picking you up somewhere from an unknown location out in the middle of nowhere? Because I’m trying to catch up on Breaking Bad and I’m on the final season.”

“Luna, this is important! Is some television show more important than your own flesh and blood?”

Luna hummed under her breath, taking her sweet time to think over her answer.

“LUNA!”

Wincing and pulling her phone away, Luna said, “Fine, fine, I’ll come pick you up. I’m nearly at the final episode anyhow.”

“He dies at the end!” Deadpool shouted from inside the kitchen, walking into the living room with a fat stack of sandwiches joined together in a giant, snack-food entity of monstrous proportions.

Luna picked Deadpool up in her magic and promptly threw him out the nearby window, sandwich and all.

Groaning and shaking her head, Luna asked, “Okay, you mind telling me where you are?”

“I’m not exactly sure. One second I was with Discord, Genie, and Q partying it up in Las Pegasus, next thing I know I woke up laying on the floor in the worst hangover you could possibly imagine with a live manticore in the room and a tattoo on my rump!”

“Don’t you already have a tattoo on your rump?”

“Not one where there’s a troll face on my sun!”

Luna tried her best attempt at holding back a snicker, but couldn’t control herself as she burst out laughing. “Oh man, are you serious? How in Tartarus’ name did that happen?”

“I’m not quite sure, but I am sure that I’ll never go on another date with Genie again!” Celestia said. “Him, Discord, Q, the lot of them! All the same stuck-up jerks or lunatics!”

“You should really try branching out more, dear sister,” Luna pointed out to her.

Celestia huffed. “With immortals, that’s practically impossible!”

Guest Chapter: The Worst Type Of Twilestia (Smallz)

Celestia looked hopefully at her newest date. She was rather worried when Luna picked another one for her, but Luna insisted that this one came from a popular universe. To say the least, she was discouraged when he entered the diner in a hoodie, dark glasses, and ball cap under the hood.

“Sorry about that”, he apologized, sitting at the restaurant booth and drawing the curtains closed while he set a strange looking device down on the table. “I can’t really be out in the day at all.”

“Sensitive skin?” she asked, cringing a bit and shifting her flank more into the cushions.

“Ten percent sun problems, ninety percent fan problems.” He smiled and removed his headgear, revealing a devilishly handsome, if a rather young and tired looking face.

“I can relate to the crowd problems, if not the sun ones.” She smiled understandingly and reached out with her hoof. “My name is Celestia.”

He took her hoof from across the table and gave it a light kiss. “Edward. Edward Cullen,” he introduced himself.

The next hour was spent with pleasant conversation as she got to know him a little more. The whole vampire thing was weird at first, but Luna’s own guard were vampiric in their own right, so she had no reason to inherently distrust this human version.

She learned that he had a rather complicated and tiring family life, although he refused to explain on it in much detail, except for the fact that there was a new child in the family and a recent marriage. The way he grumbled about those last two facts told her he wasn’t exactly pleased with it all, and may have been the reason he seemed so exhausted.

“But yeah, I’ve been taking care of the kid mostly, as her mother is always off reveling in her new found vampirism.” Edward swirled his red wine, taking a sip and grimacing at the taste, but smacking his lips afterwards. “Let me tell you, this stuff tastes horrible,” he said, leveling a crooked smile at her, “but the after-effects are really nice every once in a while.”

“Oh, don’t get me started on how good a glass of wine is after a tiring day, and trust me, I have a lot of those!” Her smile strained slightly when he took another swig, since it was his second glass, after all. When the waitress came over to refill it, he had told her to leave the bottle.

Seems like he needs it more than a little, and uses it more than every once in a while, she thought with a twinge of regret.

Celestia herself had a soda, as it was rather early for wine in her opinion... and also because for the past two weeks she had woken up with a hangover in a dried pool of tears in her bedroom, which her sister had pointed out to her on more than one occasion. But Edward really seemed like he needed it more than she did.

“What about the father?” It seemed like an innocent enough question, but he squirmed nonetheless.

“He’s…” Edward looked thoughtfully at everything but her. “He’s somewhere he shouldn’t be, probably drowning his regrets away.” Edward paused again, and an odd expression came over his face. “I’m pretty sure that he’s realized what a horrible mistake he made… the two dated for so little time, he tried to get away once, but things kinda escalated.” Now he was outright scowling. “Thinking back, he was pretty much forced to come back and be with her... Bella… she was trying to kill herself.” His expression softened again. “And he couldn’t’ live knowing that it was his fault that some girl killed herself over him.”

Celestia looked at him wide eyed at the sudden release of information, as it was the most she had heard about his family yet. She put a hoof over his hand that was resting over the table and gave him a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, that sounds absolutely terrible.”

Edward looked up at her with pursed lips and haunted eyes. “Thank you, Celestia. I feel like you really get me.”

“Well . . . ” She blushed, hesitating at his intense stare, and it was her turn to look pensively away anywhere but right in front of her. “I’ve had family problems as well.” She managed to look him in the eyes and say, “So you could say I have a kindred spirit for those who care so much for their families to worry as much as you do.”

She leaned in slightly, deciding that she could overlook the drinking problem for someone who seemed to work so hard for his family, but when her lips met empty air, she opened her eyes and a mortified blush burned like the sun on her flank when she realized she had been making kissy faces to the air. She shot back in her seat so fast that it made a dull creaking sound that oddly reminded her of splitting wood.

“A-ahem, yes, well, like I said, it really is sweet of you to think so much of your family, especially this child.” She babbled for a minute, trying to quell the growing awkwardness, which promised to suffocate her if she didn’t break the tension, and yet, as she struggled to support the conversation herself, her date’s dark expression only became more and more dull and grim, like he was slowly regretting even coming and seeing her.

She swallowed the deep, heavy lump in her throat, and continued tittering on about how aggravating Luna could be, though she loved her, and how silly Twilight was, although her student only lived to please her. She looked at her date, who was gripping his fork so hard his knuckles had turned white- er whiter than normal. Her voice pattered out and she craned her swan-like neck down so that she could look into his face, which was turned resolutely down. She couldn’t even tell if he was listening.

“Edward?”

Her silent date suddenly got up from the table, and turned away from her.

“I shouldn’t be here.” His voice was filled with self-loathing, “We shouldn’t be doing this!”

“Wait, no, no! It was going so good at first!” She started to panic, this was the most decent date she had had in… well, it was the only truly decent date she had where she hadn't been weirded out or nearly killed.

“Oh, Celestia, it’s not you, it’s me!” he said dramatically, making her scrunch up her nose irritatedly at the hackneyed phrase.

“That’s nonsense, you seem like a great guy!” She walked around him, trying to get a look at his face, but he kept looking away! With a flick of her head and only the slightest of sparks, she tuned him around, slid him still on his feet to the booth and magically connected his jeans and skin to the cushions.

He didn’t even hesitate as he got up, the top layer of cloth sticking to his backside. When he tried to walk away this time, it ripped further in the middle, with him not even noticing.

“I-I’ve got to get back.”

There, the way he said it, he was hiding something, very, very bad. She recalled his words earlier, I shouldn’t be here. She grimaced in determination, realizing what he must have meant.

“So that’s what your hiding.”

He stopped in his tracks, and looked a little over his shoulder, so she continued.

“You closed the window curtains when you got here. You’re always looking over your shoulder. Your eyes have dark rings, but you don’t look sick at all. You talk about how bad it is in your family, but you seem resigned to it, like you don’t have a choice to leave, do you?”

“No... not really.” He looked downtrodden at the ground.

“I know what you are.”

“Say it out loud. Say it!” His face turned into an ugly frown.

“The nanny.”

He paused a second, then made a little snort, and then really started laughing.

“It’s true, isn’t it?” she asked accusingly. “You’re supposed to be watching the child, but instead you're out on a date with me!”

He coughed and sat down, the tension dispelled.

“I’m not the nanny.”

“You sound like a nanny, even if you don’t look like one,” she said defensively, pushing him in the shoulder jokingly. “I thought you were the brother at first or something, but all you ever do is complain about the parents, and the bad choices they make. You never talk about your relationships with them.”

He looked at her with a deadpan expression. “Oh, I don’t think you would like the relationship I have with the mother.”

“Like what? Does she cheat on her husband with you? You really don’t seem like the cheating type!” She laughed at this, and playfully took a sip of his red wine, smacking her lips like he did. “In fact, it sounds like you really don’t like her, but I would also be rather annoyed with someone who used entrapment to get a guy to marry her.”

“You have no idea! This bitch is crazy! All she ever thought about was what she wanted out of the relationship.” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation, then continued in a mock girls voice: “Oh, I just want to be with you, damn the complications, or your reservations. You wanna end our short relationship for good reasons? No, I think I’m in love with you, I’d rather kill myself to make you feel like shit. Oh, you're taking me back? I want to be vampire, fuck your moral codes! Oh, I wanna have sex despite that it might kill me, and that you’re not comfortable with it.”

Celestia laughed a little less heartily at this, thinking that it was rather malicious, yet he took another big gulp of wine and continued with his exaggerated high voice: “You respect old fashioned customs of sex after marriage? No, if I get married, everyone will know how much I love you, and think I’m a skank.” He was obviously inebriated now, and had finished his third glass of wine in one last sip.

“That’s enough, Edward, I get the point.” Celestia looked awkwardly around, noting that the few ponies in the mostly deserted cafe looking at them.

“Oh no, you wanna know the worst thing about this bitch?” He slurred slightly at the last part. “Soon after getting married, the very first time we have sex, she gets pregnant. I didn’t want a kid, but nooooo. She forces me to keep it, she almost dies in the process, which then forces me to turn her into a vampire. So now I have to deal with her for all of eternity, as well as our freaky, halfling vampire baby. She already got us into a war with the fucking vampire Italian mafia within the first goddamned week or so! And don’t even get me started on what she named it, a ghetto-ass, hood rat could not have come up with something more stupid. God, I fucking hate her these days, acting all whimsical and thinking she’s the shit.” He looked away, scowling at nothing in particular and shaking his head.

Celestia, in contrast, was staring at him with a mixture of shock and… well, she hadn’t gotten past the shock yet.

“We? Married? Father?” Celestia sat up from her chair and slammed her front hooves onto the table, making hairline cracks appear. Her man whipped in the invisible solar winds and her horn glowed dangerously.

He looked forlornly at his empty wine glass and then the equally empty bottle he had just finished off. “Tat wazn’t what I waz meenin to say.”

“You... you! I pitied you!” She threw her words like daggers. “I thought you were a kind and caring nanny and took care of the child!”

“Trust me, I am taking waayyy too much care of the child. I have to to keep her fucking godfather from suffocating her with his… love.”

“How is cheating on your wife taking care of your child?” She asked, flabbergasted that he was taking this so nonchalantly.

“Daddy needs to let off some steam, and mommy just isn't cutting it.” He smirked up at her and winked.

She had had enough of this, and with great satisfaction, she lit her horn and promptly cracked it over his head.

“What was that?” He reeled back in shock, more surprised than hurt, then clutched his head. “Aww-fuck!”

“That,” she snapped, “was a drunken dropout spell!” She felt a cruel satisfaction when he groaned, head in hands. “You just skipped past drunkenness and into a hangover. Luna taught me it, after she used it on myself one too many times after being... well, you can probably guess.”

At that moment, the strange device which he had put on the table in the beginning of the date began to buzz. She snatched it with her magic and looked at the screen, which said Incoming Call From Bella. The name had several hearts annoyingly attached after it.

“Hah!” She turned it to face him and he stared back, mortified and still as a statue. “Your wife, I would guess, finally realizing where her husband is!”

“No, you can’t!” He reached for it, but she kept it out of his reach with her magic. But he launched himself out of his seat in a surprisingly fast burst of speed, grabbing it too quick for her to move it, and hung it up.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” He scrolled through it, and tapped it, just as a little female voice began emanating from it. He stared at it like it was the voice of an angry god. Celestia leaned forward to listen in.

“Edward! Alice told me she saw you fucking a magical pony princess tonight!” The voice became strained, like it was trying not to crack and cry. “How could you do this to me, to us, to Renesme!? She told me where you are now, I’m coming there and you better not leave!”

“Oh god, oh god. I need to get out of here.” He sounded like he was going to be sick, but before he could make a quick getaway, a resounding crash shook the restaurant to it’s very foundation.

Celestia whipped her head in time with Edward, only to be blinded as her sun was reflected traitorously into her eyes by a human shaped disco ball. The disco ball moved out of the direct sunlight and into the ambient light of the restaurant, taking the shape of a furious, unrealistically beautiful woman.

Despite her beauty, and the fact that Celestia could feel the anger from across the room, her face held almost no emotion at all. It was as if the person was trying to convey extreme emotion, but they just didn’t know how to comply with the facial expressions instructed.

“You cheating bastard,” she said it matter-of-factly. She stalked across the rubble strewn floor, the place now totally deserted of the fleeing ponies from before.

“Oh, h-hey there, Bella!” He smiled crookedly, then winced and clutched his head, muttering, “You know, this really isn’t what it seems, I mean. Why don’t we go home, I can take a nap for once, and then we can calmly discuss this like immortal adults that look like teenagers?” His smile was strained and hers was slightly turned down.

“Oh, you lost that privilege when you decided to fuck this horny, hooved home-wrecker!”

“I was not going to fuck him!” Celestia trotted up to her, “I was going to tell you exactly what he was doing, which is completely immoral and illegal.” Celestia shot the vampire in question a venomous glare.

“You smell like him.” The statement caught Celestia off guard, and when she looked at Bella, she hastily back up.

She had faced Spirit of Chaos himself, her own deranged sister, cultists, maniacs, and other furious wives, but this woman looked utterly ferocious. Her face was contorted into a snarl, and she crouched like a tiger, waiting to pounce and tear her to messy, bloody shreds. Before the deranged vamp could pounce, the door was once again ignored as the wall adjacent exploded in a cloud of dust. Celestia and Edward coughed, while Bella instantly switched from snarling animal back to her one and only emotion: none.

“Jacob, what are you doing here!” Bella shouted, staring at him with all the surprise a mannequin could have mustered.

“You... you disgusting no good vampire!” Jacob yelled, stopping to pose in the doorway, flexing his biceps while pointing at the unfaithful husband. “How dare you cheat on the woman I—I mean, you love!” He switched positions, flexing his arms downwards and giving Edward a frown, and then he continued: “How could you do this, to the mother of your daughter, whom I completely love in a totally platonic way?”

Edward put a hand over his face, making a noise halfway between a groan and a sigh. Celestia watched, confounded as the stranger casually ripped off his shirt, and then performed another ridiculous pose.

“Oh, so it's this type of Twilight.” Celestia jumped nearly out of her skin when she found Luna beside her, casually sipping her soda and grinning at her sister.

“Luna! This man is married! Again! What the hell?” Celestia asked, trying not to draw the attention from the trio; one of whom was still flexing his abs at the doorway, waiting patiently as a passing mare took his picture, drool hanging from her mouth and a lyre on her flank. The girl was making some weird breathing noise, and the unfaithful husband was slowly inching away.

“Blame me not, dear sister, as I thought this man was Edward Hall.”

Celestia looked at her blankly.

“Edward Hall? Twilight zone? Seriously, how can you not know this?” Luna munched on popcorn that had appeared out of nowhere. “Whatever, for this date looks to be in great need of a Netflix binge tonight. But that is for later. For now, we watch.”

She put the bag of popcorn in front of Celestia and returned her attention to her drink, and then to the scene before them.

A grumbling, cream-colored mare freed the jacked mystery man from his vanity by pulling the gawking mare away. Jacob straightened up, and then swaggered through the hole in the wall and up to the table. He pulled Bella by the arm and she swooned in his strong, smooth grip.

“Now, blood-sucker, what do you have to say for yourself?” Jacob said, slamming one hand on the table at the word 'blood-sucker' in unneeded emphasis.

The effect was lost on the watching princesses however, for as he did it, one hip was thrust to the side, and a hand was placed on it. Leaning on the table with one hand on his hip and a leg crooked inward, he puffed his massive chest out to complete yet another over the top pose.

“Hark, Tia!” Luna giggled into her sister’s ear. “For he is built like a minotaur, but preens like a peacock!”

“Shhh!” Celestia watched in rapt attention as Edward stood, looking straight into the eyes of his opponent with vicious anger, which stood in stark contrast to the half closed eyes and slightly opened mouth from Jacob that was usually seen in male modeling magazines.

“Jacob, for once, I completely understand your intentions, and that I am doing something wholly unethical, but will you stop with this fucking shirtless crap?” Edward yelled at him. “It’s bad enough that I know for a fact that you’re going to fuck my daughter the second that she’s legal, but do you have to pull this kind of crap whenever you go out in public?”

Jacob pushed Edward in the chest with a snarl, with about the same effect as pushing a mountain. “It’s not my fault she’s jailba—er, that I imprinted on her, and I can’t help being so sexy!” He punctuated this statement with another pose, and looked at Edward, daring him to deny the sheer amount of man that he was.

“Excuse me, how old is this child?” Celestia asked, her brow knitting in worry.

Bella had been standing looking at the two men uselessly since being pulled out of the way, making little breathing noises every now and then. Now she snapped out of it and pushed the men roughly aside, taking a seat next to the two pony sisters in the booth.

"Ohmygosh, my little Renesme is the sweetest thing, she’s not even a year old yet!” Her tone would have been one that Celestia would have associated with teenage girls talking about uninteresting gossip. Bella had completely forgot that she was here to pummel her cheating husband, and started looking for baby pictures on her pocket device, completely unaware that Luna had spit out her soda. Popcorn fell from Celestia’s mouth as her jaw hung as low as anatomically possible. From across the booth, Deadpool held up a sign with 8.5 on it.

“Nice spit-take, Luna!” he said with genuine enthusiasm.

Celestia ignored him, and pointed an accusing hoof at Jacob, who had taken his fall to the floor by Bella in a 'paint me like one of your French girls' poses.

“YOU'RE—YOU... A-AN INFANT?” Celestia’s Canterlot voice shook the windows in her disgust, but she could not form the words properly. Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but Bella beat him to it, cutting off his undoubtedly guilty defense with her own.

“Oh no, that would be intolerable. I am her mother, after all.” Bella beamed at Celestia with a twitch of her mouth. “She grew at a very abnormal rate, even when I was pregnant with her!”

“How much could one child have grown in a single year?” Luna asked, remembering that she was not yet 'legal,' whatever that age was for humans.

Edward groaned, facepalming once again. “She. Is. Still. A. Fucking. Toddler.” His hand left his face and he slammed both of them down at the table, glaring at Bella, “WHY ARE FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS? HE IS IN LOVE WITH OUR CHILD!” Although he yelled, he voice was desperate and pleading, obviously arguing a case he had somehow lost many times.

“Edward,” Bella said, making a little breathing noise again. She then passed her phone to Luna and Celestia, who looked through the child’s pictures with Deadpool. “We’ve talked about this a million times. Jacob imprinted on Renesme, his love for her is all-consuming, obsessive, will never go away, and is completely platonic.”

“Until she turns eighteen,” Jacob added from the floor, where he had rolled onto his back and was splayed out sensually, back-arched to accentuate his pecs.

“Exactly,” Bella calmly explained, as she took back the phone from the sisters, whose faces were locked onto her with horror after seeing that her child was not only looked like a toddler, but was being held by Jacob in more than half of the pictures. “I know you don’t like that she doesn’t have a choice in this—"

“There is literally so much wrong with everything you have been saying—why the absolute hell can’t you realize it?” Desperation and despair saturated his words, and Celestia and Luna soaked up the pure pitifulness that leaked from his sagged shoulders. When Edward tried to cut in, he looked exactly like a father should when discussing his child’s future with a man who already had plans to have sex with her.

“Oh, you know I love Jacob in a completely platonic way—" Jacob took the opportunity to pose anew and Bella continued, “—and she’ll grow to love him. After all, he will be a constant figure in her life, never leaving her side for the rest of forever.” She idly scrolled through her phone again, and then handed it back to the even more horrified sisters. “Oh, and here I am holding her after she was born, look how big she already was!”

Celestia resisted the urge to vomit into her dinner, as did Luna. The woman in the picture barely resembled the woman next to them, as she was pale, ugly, covered in blood and sweat, and looked like a terminal patient. In her arms was the child they had seen some shit in her short lifespan, bigger than any newborn had a right to be, and about to chomp on her mother's neck.

“I-I think it’s about time we left. Luna?” Celestia asked.

“I agree. It is most definitely time to depart, post haste.” Luna ruffled her wings restlessly, aware that Bella still sat between them and the exit.

“Now wait just a second!” Jacob had risen from the floor and half sat on the table, pushing Edward aside, who looked like he would have been weeping if he didn’t lack tear ducts. Jacob leaned back on the table, supporting himself on his elbows. He then swung his head to the side, looking seductively over his shoulder. If he had long locks, instead of the manly buzz cut, his hair would have flipped fabulously and majestically. “I came here to defend my future mother-in-law and former not-really-girlfriend's honor, and I’m going to do just that.” He lay fully out on the table, which groaned under the weight of his muscles and struck another pose, this time emphasizing his biceps. This was performed right in front of Luna and Celestia, who were for the third time that night, shocked into silence.

Deadpool swooned like a teenage girl, squealing in delight as his voice rose several octaves. “You could fry an egg on those hot abs!” He promptly fainted much like an over-dramatic white unicorn, sans the couch, however.

“Now, which one of you ladies was this blood-sucking monster intending to assault?” For once his tone was serious, which was lost over the fact at that moment he decided to bounce his pecs. "He still needs to pay for his crimes, and you can best explain what exactly he was intending to do."

Bella shot up from the booth, sparing both of them from answering, “Jacob, you're right!” She looked frantically around, suddenly regaining her fury and ability to contort her face into the most livid expression she could muster. Her mouth and eyebrows twitched down slightly.

The tingle of a bell was heard, followed by a door closing. Jacob snapped up from his position and threw the curtained windows on the walls to the side, just in time to see a familiar shaped disco ball figure run by.

“Edward!” The now sparkling Bella leapt over the table and Jacob, temporarily blinding the two sisters as she went through the window and after her fleeing husband.

“My love!” Jacob paused and looked back at them. “Call me,” he said with a wink and a phone gesture to his ear, which he accompanied with one more bicep flex. As soon as he was out of the window and out of sight, they heard the sound of flesh ripping, barking, and several denizens of Canterlot screaming.

Celestia and Luna just sat there for a moment more, trying to work their jaws into functioning again.

“Isn’t he dreamy?” Deadpool had recovered from his swoon and had his head in his hands; he looked wistfully out the shattered window and into the beautiful day outside. He sighed at the sound of screaming in the distance, and then whispered reverently, “Team Jacob... Forever.”

“I’ll go… rally the guard.” Luna got up, her eyes still wide, and walked through the hole in the wall, heading for the barracks.

Celestia still held Bella’s phone with the horrifying pictures. She tried to tap the screen, but it didn’t respond to her golden slippers, or to her hooves. Deadpool had been the one scrolling through it last time. Although hesitant to snap him out of his daydreaming, she cleared her throat and he looked at her.

“Oh, Tia! Was he not the most handsome, yummiest man you’ve ever laid eyes on?” He accompanied these disturbing words with a slight sway and hands clasped over his heart.

“That’s definitely the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard,” she said “But definitely he’s perfect for you. Could you show me how to use this?” She used her magic to gesture the phone in his direction, but he had gotten that far away look once again.

“Do you really think so?” He leaned across the table just as she leaned away.

“Uh... yeeaaahhh, you two would make a perfect couple, and if you show me how to use this, I’ll let you keep it. It might just have his number.” She wiggled it in his direction, and he snatched it and pressed the little button at the bottom. After holding it down, a voice suddenly came from the phone, making her jump.

“Hello,” a voice with almost as little emotion as Bella asked, “what can I do for you today?”

Celestia hesitated a moment, but Deadpool held it up and nodded expectantly, so she asked: “Please call Bella or Edward's family, it's an emergency. Someone needs to warn some parental guidance that their kid is hooking up with a shirtless man.”

“Calling emergency contact, Jacob.”

Celestia’s head fell against the table so hard, it cracked. She didn’t even bother to watch Deadpool make yet another hole in the wall, the phone still in his hand.

"Team Jacob forever!"

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the quite prolific and wordily cool Smallz. Go check her out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 17: Interludes, Aren't They Convenient?

“Well, dear sister, I think you’re finally at the end of your ropes,” Luna said.

Celestia lifted her head out of the pile of empty bottles of various alcoholic variety, her breath stinking more than the bottom of a barrel of liquor. “Huzza-what?”

“This is the third time this week I found you passed out, incredibly drunk, in a pile of bottles and your own self-pity.” Luna grimaced and waved a hoof before her muzzle. “Plus, the stink reeking from your self-pity is turning grotesque.”

Celestia stared glumly at her sister, blinking slowly as her head tilthed side to side. “So… wait, what’d you say?” Celestia asked, her eyes going cross. “I wasn’t payin’ much… uh, attention.”

“Tia, you can’t let yourself go like this. Falling further into this slippery slope to alcoholism and downright patheticness is no way for a princess or even a normal pony to end up.” Luna picked up an errant bottle off the floor and read its label. “For heaven’s sake, sister, you drank an entire bottle of foal’s cough syrup!”

“Is there any left?”

Luna sighed. “Celestia, I realize that me pushing you into dating may have had side effects I did not think through as best I should have.”

“Like Deadpool moving into the guest room?” Celestia said.

“That, and you turning into, well… this.”

Celestia rolled over on her back and burped, completely unlady-like in every shape and form. “You know, I don’t need this. I don’t need your pity. I have enough money to pay someone for theirs.”

“Sister, please, just take a break from the dating game and relax for once,” Luna implored her. “You can’t keep this up!”

“Hey now, I ran Equestria for over a thousand years by myself with no help because a certain somepony had to get corrupted by pure darkness and then banished to the moon.” Celestia stuck her tongue out at her sister, while Luna herself groaned and rolled her eyes. “So I think I can handle any date I go on, thank you very much.”

“I was guessing you’d be stubborn about this,” Luna said, turning her head to Celestia’s open door. Luna nodded her head, and in walked Twilight into Celestia’s room. “Which is why I brought professional help.”

“But Twilight is the Princess of Friendship, not how to get some!” Celestia called out.

Twilight winced, hesitant to approach closer. “Is this a bad time, or should I return later?”

“No, no, Twilight, it’s alright. Celestia’s just…” Luna glanced at her sister and sighed, “hammered out of her mind.”

“She hit the nail on the head right there!” Celestia laughed, only to start moaning in pain from the first telltale signs of her hangover kicking in.

“Yes, well, the reason I’ve brought Twilight here is because she’s an expert on statistics, data, and lists. With her help, she can correctly configure an appropriate approximation of the most likely to be successful dates for you to go on.” Luna glanced over her shoulder to Twilight and asked, “Did I say that right?”

“The gist of it, yes,” Twilight agreed. Holding up a scroll of paper where numbers, names, and other jotted down notes could be seen scrawled down on its surface, Twilight smiled wide. “I’ve already calculated the best formula to find your perfect match!”

Celestia narrowed her eyes, but not at Twilight, but at Luna. “You actually got my student to set me up on dates now? I thought you trying to not make me seem so pathetic?”

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, sister,” Luna reminded her.

Celestia’s face broke out into a scowl, but was quickly replaced with a rather mischievous smirk instead. “Actually, you’re right, sister. They do. And since I’m so desperate, it’s only right that my own flesh and blood help me out in my time of need.”

“Whatever do you mean, Tia?” Luna asked, a cold bead of sweat traveling down the back of her neck.

Turning her attention to Twilight, Celestia said, “Twilight, I want Luna matched up with a date as well. If I have to do it, she has to as well!”

“What?” Luna demanded.

“You heard me.” Celestia got up, grabbing ahold of Luna for support. Moving her lips to Luna’s ear, Celestia whispered, “Now you’ll know the hell I have to go through every night. Every. Single. Night.”

“Oh boy, this is going to be so educational!” Twilight cheered, while Luna gulped as an icy chill passed up her spine.

Author's Notes:

Might as well as add the Twilicorn tag now.

Chapter 18: Double The Dates, Double The Fun!

“Where are they?” Celestia asked herself, tapping her hoof anxiously on the ground. She checked the front entrance of the restaurant for the third time that night, yet still didn’t see any indication of her date. Well, truthfully, it was a blind date and she wouldn’t even know who it was, but still, immortals had a way of making a big entrance.

She glanced at the clock, noticing that her date was already running five minutes late. Celestia typically wasn’t this nervous over such minor tardiness, but she was feeling more apprehensive than ever for this suitor in particular. It what Twilight said was true, they’d be Celestia’s perfect match.

With a sigh, Celestia got out of her seat. “I need to clear my head,” Celestia muttered, looking towards the mare’s room of the restaurant. “I just hope Luna’s date is going better than mine…”

Just as Celestia entered the bathroom, Luna walked into the restaurant. She chastised herself for being late, yet Celestia had been hogging the bathroom getting prepared she barely had any time to put some makeup on. She had to admit, the tedious process of dolling oneself up for the dating game was not one Luna wanted to get used to. She barely had time to put mascara on without poking her eye out because she was in such a rush.

Approaching the hostess counter, Luna asked, “Excuse me, I’m here to meet a date. I’m not sure who he or she are at, since it’s a blind date and all that.” Luna winced and bit her lip, her eyes staring at the far off wall in embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry, I’m not very used to this…”

“Quite alright, madame,” the hostess said. She pointed her hoof at a single empty table amid a crowd of already occupied ones. “I believe the only single seat in the house belongs to that table. Your date must be in the bathroom. Would you like me to seat you and get you a drink?”

Luna gulped, but nodded. “Yes. Yes, I believe I would like that.”

Following the hostess to the table, Luna settled into her seat while a waiter took the hostess’ spot and offered her a menu.

“Will you like a minute to make your decision?”

Luna nodded, so the waiter departed. Now all alone, Luna’s eyes scanned through the restaurant’s selection of fine wines and spirits. She didn’t even recognize the name of half of these drinks. Celestia practically knew all of them by heart, most likely by taste as well. Thoughts of her sister caused Luna to frown, then sigh deeply.

“It’s okay, Luna, just calm down. You’re just having first date jitters,” she consoled herself. “If Celestia can do this every night with minor head trauma and bruises, then you can definitely pull it off. Just relax, and everything will be alright…”

Luna’s eyes widened when she noticed there was a disclaimer about the possibility of shellfish being used in the sauces of several dishes on the menu. “Oh, this will never do,” Luna said, rising from her seat. Her shellfish allergy, while a closely guarded secret, made her life all the more difficult since she now had to check with the cooking staff to make sure any meal she ordered had no shellfish whatsoever.

Just as Luna left for the kitchens, Celestia returned to her seat, surprised to see a menu at her seat along with another open one at the opposite end of the table. Pondering this for a moment, Celestia’s focus was broken when a waiter approached her.

“Madame, would you like to order some champagne? Perhaps the chef’s recommendation?” the waiter asked, opening up a notepad while dabbing the end of his pen against his tongue.

Looking back to the open open menu at the empty seat, Celestia shrugged. Must have gone to the bathroom just like her, and she missed them. “Yes, I believe that would be lovely.”

Scribbling down a note, the waiter bowed and departed, leaving Celestia alone once more. Still troubled over the strange appearance as well as disappearance of her date, Celestia concluded they were probably as nervous as she was. Opening her ridiculously menu, Celestia browsed through the restaurant’s eatery specials, the entire front of the menu covering her face and even her horn.

Luna briskly returned to her seat right then, her mind still abuzz with the fact the only food she could eat in the establishment that hadn’t contacted shellfish in some shape or form was everything on the foal’s menu selection. Her cheeks still red with embarrassment, Luna only now realized her date was right across from her, hidden by their menu.

Opening up her own, Luna quickly ducked behind her menu at the same time Celestia peeked across the table by lowering her menu. Now that her date was here, Celestia smiled, returning back to her menu just as Luna lowered hers. Neither sister knew the other was across the table, any conversation between the two having not taken fruit yet due to the weeds of anxiety and nervousness.

However, the spell of silence was shattered the moment the waiter approached the two uncorking a champagne bottle. “Okay, who wants a glass first?” he asked, grunting. His face was consorted into a grimace as his magical grip around the cork of the bottle increased, the cork just not coming loose.

“Me!” both sisters called out at the same time, dropping their menus and raising their empty glasses at the same time. The moment they did so, they stared at one another, complete and utter shock at the other’s unexpected appearance causing time to slow down to a snail’s pace.

The cork to the champagne bottle finally came loose, smacking right into Celestia’s cheek, yet was ignored even as a nasty bruise appeared. All of Celestia’s attention was focused on Luna, and Luna likewise to her sister, both their jaws slack and eyes wide.

The waiter held a hoof over his lips for launching a cork right at the princess’ face, yet what scared him more was how completely unmoving both sisters were, and how they stared at one another without blinking for what had to be a good minute now. Wisely and with tactical precision, the waiter slinked away, just as Luna and Celestia broke out into shouting.

“Why are you here?” Luna asked, pointing an accusing hoof at Celestia.

Celestia shook her head and shoved a hoof right into Luna’s face. “I can ask you the same question! You think it’s funny to ruin one of my dates?”

“Your date? This was supposed to be mine!”

“No way, Twilight told me to go to this restaurant to meet with my date!”

“Well, she did the same for me!”

Both sisters stopped yelling at one another, a sudden realization dawning on the two. Celestia’s horn glowed with a fiery yellow fury, and in a flash Twilight fell next to them, albeit in a heap of blankets and grogginess.

“Hngh… ugh, am I dreaming?” Twilight muttered. She slowly got up, half of her mane stuck to the side of her head while the other half was splayed all about. “Man, I really need to cut back on the dandelion sandwiches before bed…”

“Twilight, what is the meaning of this?” Celestia asked, her voice booming so loud that the liquids in several drinks nearby vibrated and sloshed.

Twilight looked to Celestia, then Luna, then back to Celestia again, her eyes slowly blinking as she smacked her lips slowly. “Um… it’s Friday night and you’re trying to keep ahold of a youthful glimmer of your past by going out to fancy restaurants due to a hectic midlife crisis period you’re still going through?”

“Wow, I think she might have actually hit the nail on the head right there,” Luna whispered.

Celestia groaned and rubbed a hoof against her muzzle. “No, Twilight, I was asking why you set me up on a date with my own sister?”

“Well, I didn’t know.”

Celestia’s jaw dropped. “How could you not know? Is it the fact we’re the alicorn sisters slip by you, or all those times I’ve mentioned Luna is my sister not ring a bell?”

Twilight yawned and rubbed her eye. “Well, the test I conducted was a double blind experiment, so even I wouldn’t know who your date would be. I was supposed to set Luna up with someone tomorrow, but it looks like my calculations already did that for me.”

Celestia grabbed Twilight by her cheeks and squished them as Celestia drew her close. “Twilight, for the love of the gods, what made you think it would be a good idea to conduct a double blind experiment for a dating website?”

Twilight’s eyes shifted left and right, looking everywhere but at Celestia. “I dunno. It was supposed to find your perfect match! I thought it was flawless! It’s supposed to be flawless!”

Luna gulped. “But if it is, then that means Celestia… me… I… are perfect…”

A new silence settled over the trio, Twilight still stuck awkwardly in Celestia’s grip while her cheeks began to become sore while the two sisters stared at one another with a mix of revulsion and shock.

Celestia released Twilight, pointed a hoof at the fleeing waiter and called out, “I want every bottle of booze you have on your menu, STAT!” Glancing at Luna and Twilight, the two quickly noticed the fires literally burning within Celestia’s eyes. “You two might want to leave now.”

“Mario Kart?” Luna whispered to Twilight.

A quiet nod was all the answer Luna needed to teleport the duo away on the double.

And on that night, Celestia completely cleaned out the restaurant of every drop of alcohol they had, along with everything on the dessert menu as well.

Guest Chapter: Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just You? (Razalon The Lizardman)

“So,” Celestia said, setting down her martini glass, “you’re Lord of the Underworld where you’re from, right?”

Her date smirked. Of all the immortals Princess Celestia had dated, the one that now sat across from her was without a doubt the most eye-catching of the bunch. He was a bipedal, clearly demonic deity with purple skin and identical red tattoos over both his eyes. His hair was long and tri-colored red, green, and pink and flew in an ethereal breeze not unlike Celestia’s own.

His clothing consisted of very grotesquely designed purple robes and a cape seemingly made out of darkness and fire. Red, blood vein-like lines ran up both his arms and legs, giving the appearance that his body was inside out. It took considerable effort from Celestia not to gag at his appearance.

“I see you have quite the elephant’s memory, dear Tia,” Hades replied, his voice oozing with nonchalance and smugness. “I imagine you’re interested in knowing all of what my position entails, hmm?”

“I imagine it has something to do with the souls of the departed?” Celestia inquired sarcastically as she poured herself another shot, preparing to cleanse her mind of any forthcoming unpleasantries by the cold, sweet embrace of intoxication.

Hades’ smile only widened in response. “Quite the knowledgable little princess, aren’t you, Tia?” The smugness in his tone was so great that Celestia was sure she felt her skin crawl in response. “Indeed it does, though that’s hardly worth bragging about compared to the more . . . let’s say ‘lively’ perks of being Lord of the Underworld.”

That gave Celestia pause. “Lively?” she said. “That’s . . . very ironic, I must say.”

“Indeed it is,” Hades replied coolly, propping his feet up on the table, keeping careful to avoid spilling his drink, and resting his head against his hands. “Now then, where should I start?”

“Actually,” Celestia said, getting up from her seat, “I think I’d better go.”

Hades didn’t look the slightest bit crestfallen upon hearing this from Celestia, which only reinforced his status as a god as no mere mortal could accept such a loss without first desperately asking them to stay.

“And why is that, Tia?” he asked, cocking a grin.

“Call it a hunch that something is bound to go wrong on a date with a god of the afterlife,” Celestia replied, deadpanned.

“I take it you’ve already dated some of my other dimensional counterparts,” Hades replied back, still as smug as ever. “Very well, consider those drinks on me.”

Celestia just nodded and started toward the restaurant’s door. She didn’t get very far, however, when she heard Hades call out in a sing-song voice, “Oh pretty Palutena, looks like you win our little bet!”

Struck by the statement’s oddity, Celestia turned back to Hades only to see him staring along the restaurant’s back wall. Following his gaze, her eyes widened in shock at what she saw. Sitting at a booth near the center were two more immortals returning Hades’ gaze. One was a humanoid female with long green hair reaching down to her lower legs and wearing a white dress with vine-like patterns on the hems and adorned with numerous gold ornaments. Around her head she wore a gold laurel crown, a red fibula on her left hip, and brown low-heels. What really shocked Celestia, however, was the all-too familiar draconequus sitting across from her.

“Discord!?” she exclaimed, earning her the attention of everyone nearby.

The chaotic draconequus shifted his gaze to her and smiled. “Celestia, how nice to see you here!” he called, waving his paw at her.

Celestia could only dumbly wave back with her jaw slack. All of the restaurant’s patrons, having grown bored with the lack of explosions and mayhem, returned to their meals.

“Oooh, so you know pretty Palutena’s date!?” Hades inquired. He quickly waved Discord and ‘Palutena’ over. After a brief exchange between the two, they relocated to the others’ booth and sat down. “Come now, Tia, let’s chat for a while longer at the very least!”

Celestia, still surprised, returned to the booth and sat next to Palutena, who smiled kindly at the pony princess.

“It’s nice to meet you,” she greeted, extending her hand. “I’m Lady Palutena, Goddess of Light and ruler of Angel Land.”

Letting a small smile cross her features, Celestia shook Palutena’s hand with her hoof. “And I’m Princess Celestia, herald of the sun and co-ruler of Equestria with my sister, Princess Luna,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you too, Lady Palutena.”

“You can call me by name alone if you’d like,” Palutena replied happily.

“And you can just call me Celestia if you’d like,” the solar alicorn replied in turn.

“And you can call me thirsty,” Discord piped up. He snapped his talon which summoned a glass of chocolate milk for himself.

“Well hello thirsty,” Hades said, his feet still propped up on the table. “I’m Hades, Lord of the Underworld.” He extended his hand in greeting.

Discord took a swig of his chocolate milk and returned the shake. “Nice to meet you too,” he replied with a grin, “and please, call me Discord.”

“Since when did you start dating?” Celestia asked him, confused.

“Since I heard about that little fling you had with Apep the other week,” he replied, darkly. “But believe me, there’s no shortage of fangirls who’d swoon over me.” He briefed a glance at the audience beyond the fourth wall. “A crazy lot, they all are.”

Celestia stared blankly for a moment before nodding mutely and turning to Hades and Palutena. “So, what’s this about a bet between you two?” she asked them.

“We made a bet to see who could last longer with their date before something inevitably went wrong,” Palutena replied, levelling a coy expression with Hades. “And since I win by forfeit, you owe me one Gaol Blade.”

“As you know, pretty Palutena, I’m a god of my word,” Hades replied coolly. He waved his hand in the air which summoned a blue treasure chest with gold carvings and a halo hovering above it in front of Palutena. “Enjoy your new toy.”

“I will, thank you very much,” Palutena said. She reached out to open the chest, only to retract her hand as the chest sprouted a pair of feminine-humanoid legs from the bottom. The chest rapidly kicked Palutena in the face a few times before jumping off the table.

The group of four then watched as the creature proceeded to tear through the restaurant, wildly lashing out at everything, living and inanimate, in its way. Pretty soon the restaurant erupted into a chaotic frenzy of panicking patrons and airborne entrees, which did nothing but delight both Discord and Hades.

“Oh ho ho!” Discord laughed, wiping a tear. “That’s too rich!”

“I know,” Hades replied happily. “Mimicuties are the best tool for causing mischief.”

“Oooh, think I could borrow a few sometime?”

“Well, may-”

The sound of Palutena clearing her throat cut their conversation.

“Aren’t you forgetting something, Hades?” she asked him.

Hades looked confused for a moment before realization struck and he summoned another chest in front of her. “Enjoy your new toy,” he said again.

“Thanks,” she replied gruffly, “I will.”

As the two males resumed their conversation Palutena proceeded to open the chest and pull out an oddly-shaped bladed weapon with a purple and red color scheme. She set it down by her feet as the chest disappeared into thin air and let out an exasperated breath.

“Are you okay, Palutena?” Celestia asked, genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she replied, then looked at Hades and Discord across from them who were too busy sharing their better trouble-making experiences to hear her. “Hades’ mischief is just hard to put up with sometimes.”

“I know precisely what you mean,” Celestia replied back, and looked to them as well. “So, what made you agree to go on a date with Discord?”

Palutena fidgeted in response, to which Celestia frowned in concern. “Is there something wrong, Palutena?”

The Goddess of Light shook her head. “Honestly, this date was more of a therapy session for me than a romantic outing.”

Celestia arched a brow. “Therapy session?”

Palutena smiled sheepishly. “Let’s just say I haven’t had the best of experiences with chaos spirits in my life.”

Celestia chuckled. “You and me both, Palutena.”

It was at that moment that Discord used his chaos magic to give the Mimicutie jet boots, allowing it to sail through the air toward a few patrons who were trying to escape its wrath by flying away.

“So, Celestia,” Palutena said, ignoring the screams of terror raining from above, “tell me about yourself. What’s it like ruling over Equestria?”

Celestia smiled. “Well . . .”

“Then I told him to go to the courtyard for a ‘gift’,” Palutena said, a coy smile on her face.

“I see,” Celestia replied, sipping her martini. “Do continue.”

“So he arrives in the courtyard,” Palutena continued, “and then I grant him the gift.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” Celestia said while nodding her head.

“And then the Hewdraw head crashes through the wall and nearly smashes him!” Palutena exclaimed.

Celestia could barely hold back her giggles as she urged Palutena to continue still.

“And that’s when I told him exactly what the ‘gift’ was; my patented monster pheromone!”

The Goddess of Light burst into a fit of laughter, soon followed by the solar alicorn as both fell over, clutching their sides. Tears streamed down their cheeks and they kicked their legs, banging the table from underneath and causing everyone’s drinks to spill over. Their dates, having stopped chatting a while ago, watched in amusement as the two females lost themselves in their laughter.

“They sure do have a lot in common, don’t they?” Discord mused, summoning a replacement chocolate milk and taking a gulp.

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Hades replied, smirking.

At that moment the Mimicutie zipped by their table, chasing a couple more patrons whose screams were drowned out by the merry laughter coming from the two trolls sitting across from the two pranksters.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the scaly devil himself, Razalon The Lizardman. Go check his stories out, such as Malefic Bonds if you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest Chapter: The Last Caveman (MrAskAPirate)

“So, Mr… Savage,” Celestia said, her newest date’s name sliding off her tongue with all the grace of sandpaper. “Your profile said that you’ve recently given up a life of conquest and world domination?”

“Please, Princess, I see no need for such formality,” he chuckled warmly, his smooth, deep voice washing over her ears with dulcet tones. “Call me Vandal.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow even as she lifted her wine, not unaware that he had sidestepped her question. “To be honest, neither of your names is particularly comforting to say.” She nearly let the glass fall from her magical grip at the sudden, intense stare he shot at her across the small table. It lasted but an instant before he threw back his head and let out a boisterous, bellowing guffaw that drew the attention of nearly everypony-- no, everyone, Celestia reminded herself-- in the luxurious restaurant in which they dined.

It hadn’t been her first choice to travel to Vandal’s home dimension for their date, even though he had graciously offered to host and to take care of her travel arrangements with some kind of wormhole technology. She could have cast the spell to transport herself across the realities easily enough, but there was something she found very sweet about a man who was willing to rend time and space in order to show a lady a good time. Indeed, despite her usual misgivings and some of the red flags she had noticed in his profile, Vandal had thus far been a perfect gentleman. They had enjoyed box seats at a wonderful opera before attending a late dinner at this fine Prench—no, no, Celestia was fairly certain he had called it a ‘French’ restaurant. Darn it, why do so many worlds have to have such similar names? Regardless, it had been a lovely evening despite not having much time for the two of them to talk until now.

“I suppose you’re right,” he finally said once his laughter had subsided. “Perhaps I’m overdue for a change of identity. I’ve certainly had more than my share of names over the years. What’s one more?”

“Now that does sound interesting,” Celestia leaned forward, finally taking a sip of the fine Merlot he had chosen for them. He had excellent taste in wine as well. “I’ve been Celestia my entire life; it never occurred to me to change my identity.”

“Never?” Vandal sounded genuinely surprised. “Not even once?”

“Well,” she smiled coyly, “there was one sunny day not too long ago where I played hooky from my royal duties. It was a great deal of fun, but I couldn’t possibly leave my subjects without their Princess for very long.”

“I understand,” Vandal said with a smile. “I’ve spent almost my entire life in search of power and dominance. I believed for a very long time that it was my destiny to rule over all of humanity. The feeling of sitting on a throne and commanding those beneath to do your bidding is… intoxicating.”

“That isn’t quite what I meant, but I suppose it’s one way to look at it.” Celestia’s eyes fell to one side as she took a slow sip of her wine. She turned her attention back to her date and regarded him: his fine grey suit resting on broad shoulders, his chiseled jaw only partially hidden behind a well-trimmed beard. His soft brown eyes—eyes that Celestia would have known had seen the coming and going of eons and empires even if she hadn’t known he was immortal—were cast downward at his own drink, staring into the dark liquid as if it held the answer to some inexorable question. He was certainly handsome in a rugged, primal sort of way. Most of the time he gave off such a powerful, calming confidence; as if he would be perfectly comfortable and collected in any situation no matter how dire. That impressed Celestia, who herself always strived to maintain that type of image even if it wasn’t always the truth.

But right now that confidence appeared to have waned, leaving behind only a man who seemed in need of comforting and who had been nothing but kind and gracious to her all evening.

“Tell me about them,” Celestia prompted as she put her forelegs on the table and crossed her hooves beneath her chin, drawing a confused look from Vandal. “These other lives you’ve lead. These other men who are Vandal Savage.”

Vandal chuckled. “Oh, I’ve had a great many famous names over the millennia. Cheops the Builder, Genghis Khan, Edward ‘Blackbeard’ Teach, Alexander the Great, Vlad the Impaler, Julius Caesar,” he paused and shook his head while puffing out his cheeks. “Boy did that one end badly.”

“How so?”

“My closest friend turned my senate against me and they stabbed me to death.”

Celestia nearly choked on her wine. “I beg your pardon?”

“Well, obviously it didn’t take, but not for lack of effort on their part.” He leaned away and reached around with one hand to rub his back. “The spot where Brutus’ first thrust slipped between my ribs still stings from time to time.” Celestia had to make a conscious effort to close her mouth.

“That’s… that’s absolutely horrible! I know well the pain of having someone close become an enemy, but to have so many do it at once…” The mere thought made Celestia’s heart turn to lead in her chest. “Did they truly hate you that much?”

Vandal shrugged. “Perhaps some did. Others simply saw an opportunity to grab power themselves, and still others felt that they were only acting in the best interest of their empire. In the end, I can’t blame any of them. I was a tyrant, after all.” His eyes drifted back down to the wine he slowly swirled. “I was always a tyrant, wasn’t I? Ever since the very beginning, even before I became immortal, I ruled my clansmen with an iron fist. Or a stone one, I suppose. Iron wouldn’t be discovered for another fifty centuries or so.”

“Fifty?” Celestia mouthed as she did the math, her eyes widening slightly. “Vandal, how old are you?”

“Somewhere around twenty-five thousand years, give or take a little. I’m not entirely certain; it was a little hard to keep track of things like that before the invention of the calendar.” He frowned. “That’s not a problem, is it?”

Celestia just stared at him for a moment before shaking her head and taking a healthy swig of her remaining wine. “No! No, it’s fine I just… the phrase ‘robbing the cradle’ comes to mind, and I’m not used to being the one in the cradle.”

“Why, how old are—oh, forgive me. I shouldn’t be so rude as to ask a lady her age. Besides, after the first few thousand years, distinctions like ‘young’ and ‘old’ hardly seem to matter anymore, do they?”

“They certainly don’t,” she agreed as she reached for his hand, which he turned over to delicately grasp her hoof. The two shared a knowing smile, only to be interrupted as the waiter arrived with their meal, and the pair dug in with gusto. Celestia had settled for a salad, while to her surprise Vandal had ordered some kind of vegetarian quiche. She knew well by now that humans were omnivorous—some might even be mistaken for carnivores—and wondered if Vandal hadn’t knowingly forgone ordering meat to make her feel more comfortable.

Almost as if on cue Vandal looked up from his meal and met her gaze, his eyes showing just the tiniest bit of mirth. Celestia blushed and looked down, but not before returning his smile.

Their dinner proceeded swimmingly, the two exchanging both pleasant smalltalk and tales of their immortal lives. Celestia spoke a little about Equestria, her ponies, and thanks perhaps in no small part to the second bottle of Merlot, regaled Vandal with some of her recent and disastrous exploits on the dating scene. Vandal, on the other hand, told her of his origins and, after a bit of prompting, some of the grandiose plans he had enacted throughout history in an attempt to conquer the world.

“... And then Batman reset the coordinates so that the asteroid fired from the mass driver I’d placed in orbit came down right on top of the Kasnian royal palace. While I was still inside.”

“Oooh, that must’ve hurt!” Celestia cringed, but Vandal shook his head.

“Barely felt a thing. Digging my way out of the rubble with a body that had mostly been reduced to the consistency of jello? That hurt.”

Celestia could barely contain the giggle that bubbled forth. “I’m sorry! I don’t mean to laugh, but the way you tell the stories...”

“It’s quite alright,” Vandal grinned. “I’ve done many terrible things in my life. I choose not to hide them because doing so would not change the fact that they happened. Instead, I’ve come to terms with them.” His eyes fell to the side, away from Celestia. “For the most part.”

Celestia was about to reach for his hand again when their waiter arrived with two cups of coffee and dessert menus. After she selected a decadently delicious-looking chocolate cake for herself, the waiter cleared their dinner plates and left to fill their orders. A brief moment of silence passed between them as Vandal added cream and sugar to his coffee.

“What made you stop?”

“I beg your pardon?” Vandal stopped, his drink halfway to his lips.

“What made you stop trying to take over the world?” Celestia continued. “Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s wonderful that you did, but you seemed to enjoy it so much, even if just for the challenge… so what changed your mind?”

Vandal stared at her over his coffee for an almost uncomfortably long moment, and Celestia’s practiced eyes could plainly see that the answer was troubling him. Finally, he set the cup back on its saucer and gently pushed it to one side.

“You did.”

Celestia blinked. “I’m not sure I understand.”

With his eyes still locked with hers, Vandal laced his fingers together and rested his hands on the table. “I have a confession to make, Princess Celestia.”

“Oh, here it comes,” she rolled her eyes. “You’re going to tell me you’re married or something, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been married several times, but none of them ever seem to last,” he admitted, “but no, what I feel you have a right to know is that I had a bit of an… ulterior motive to seeing you this evening.”

Celestia felt the feathers on the tips of her wings twitch, mirroring the cold, nauseous feeling swelling in her chest. Before she could protest, Vandal continued.

“The truth is, when I first saw your profile online I was intrigued. In name you are the leader of an entire nation, but ostensibly your control of the sun makes you the de facto ruler of your entire world. Only a fool would dare oppose your power.”

Celestia shook her head. “I would never—”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Vandal cut her off, “and that is what interests me… and concerns me.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “Throughout my life I have seen the rise and fall of hundreds, maybe thousands of kingdoms and empires. Always, the ones that were based on fairness and kindness were the first to fall. It was the cutthroats, the deceivers, and the vicious who endured the longest, and I became convinced that fear and the threat of violence was the true path to everlasting stability, if one only had the strength of will to maintain it.

“But then I learned of your world; a world where peace and happiness has reigned for as long as you have. I conducted some additional research, and learned a great deal about Equestria. Surely there must be some secret trick to your long tenure, I thought. If I could uncover what manner of control you had over your population, I could no doubt turn it to my own advantage here on Earth.

“The last thing I expected was to find that there was no trick. You had no heavy-handed secret police force, no subliminal propaganda campaign. There was no massive military at your beck and call or hidden superweapons hanging over everyone’s heads. Well, aside from the sun itself, I suppose, but it was never wielded as such even though you had the power to do so.”

“Not directly, no,” Celestia admitted, “although there was a time when my sister attempted to take over Equestria by using her control of the Moon to make the night last forever.”

“The incident with Nightmare Moon; I know of it,” Vandal nodded. “Even then, you chose not to end your sister’s life but to banish her until a way could be found to redeem her; a far more humanitarian solution than I would have ever considered. And it worked."

“The more I learned about Equestria, the more I started to question my own long-standing beliefs. You were able to forge an empire that lasted over a thousand years based on kindness and hope, while all my attempts to control the world have always ended in dismal failure. I began to wonder if I had been wrong. Was there really better way? Had I been hurting people all this time, convincing myself that it was for humanity’s own good when all along it was nothing but needless violence to serve my own ego?”

“Vandal…” Celestia said softly, offering her hoof and having her date gently accept it again.

“I decided that the only way know for sure was to meet you. I wanted to see if the person—I mean, the pony, lived up to the example she seemed to set.” Vandal’s soft smile returned for the first time since before their dessert had been ordered. “And I have to say, I am far from disappointed. You are as kind-hearted and gracious as your reputation implies. You’ve shown me that a better way is possible, and I am truly humbled that you were willing to spend this evening with a short-sighted, egotistical man like myself.”

Celestia felt the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, but had not the presence of mind to bother drying them. Instead, she just stared. Her heart was in her throat and she couldn’t for the life of her look away.

“Vandal Savage, that is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a very, very long time. Thank you.” She leaned forward and was pleased to see Vandal doing the same just before she closed her eyes.

The sound of shattering glass and the panicked screams of the other restaurant patrons startled them both an instant before their lips met. The large windows at the front of the restaurant had been smashed inward, and the pair looked on with wide eyes as a colorful cavalcade of costumed heroes flew in through the opening.

“Stop right there, Savage!” Superman said, as he floated on the ground, flanked by Wonder Woman and the Green Lantern John Stewart. Just behind them, Shayera Hol, formerly known as Hawk Girl, and the Martian Manhunter J’onn J’onzz landed as well. A dark shape that proved to be none other than Batman leaped into the dining room as the red-and-yellow streak of the Flash completed the team of assembled heroes.

“Vandal?” Celestia’s eyes flicked back and forth among the seven newcomers. “What’s going on?”

“Well, if it isn’t my old friends, the Justice League,” Vandal said with just a hint of annoyance coloring his voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?”

“Can it, Savage,” Green Lantern said. “Did you think we wouldn’t detect the massive radiation surge that wormhole device of yours kicked out?”

“Or that we would not be able to sense an alien being with a mind as powerful as the one you have summoned to our world?” the Martian Manhunter added.

“Not to mention all the weird reports of people who saw you strolling around town with a big talking unicorn,” Flash chipped in, taking a full account of Celestia for the first time. “Hey, it’s got wings too. Do unicorns normally have wings?”

“Why are you looking at me?” the winged Shayera asked, to which the Flash only shrugged.

“No reason.”

“Getting a little off topic here,” Batman silenced the others. “Whatever your game is this time Savage, it’s over. We’re putting you in jail and sending your ‘friend’ here back where it came from.”

“I have a name, you know,” Celestia said, standing and flaring her wings. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria.”

“Hey, that rhymes!” Flash said, only to be answered by glares from nearly everyone in the room. “Sorry.”

“So you’re looking for allies in other dimensions now, are you?” Wonder Woman crossed her arms. “Did you finally run out of people you could deceive here in our world?”

“I’m not trying to deceive anyone,” Vandal said. “I’m simply enjoying an evening on the town with a new friend. I’ll admit, the radiation from my quantum displacement device was probably enough to disrupt a few satellites for a moment or two, and for that I apologize, but until someone makes interdimensional travel illegal, I fail to see how any of this warrants the disruption of my personal life.”

“Your personal life?” Shayera echoed. “You’re a mass murdering megalomaniac who’s tried to take over the world so many times we’ve stopped keeping track; what kind of personal life could you possibly have?”

“I’d think that you and Green Lantern of all people would be able to figure out the answer to that,” Vandal crossed his arms over his chest, and two former lovers exchanged embarrassed glances.

“Wait, you’re trying to make it with an alien horse? Ew!” Flash said.

“You’re not making the three other aliens in the room feel particularly welcome, Flash,” J’onn deadpanned.

“Enough!” Superman said. “We know you’re up to something, Savage, and whatever it is, we’re not going to let you get away with it. You’re coming with us.” The Man of Steel took a step forward, only to find his way blocked by a white alicorn.

“Vandal has told me who you are. All of you,” she indicated the whole group of heroes with her wings. “I know that you are heroes on this world, and that Vandal has done terrible things in the past. Things which I believe he deeply regrets. I am somepony who believes in second chances, and if you really are the heroes you claim to be, I’m certain that you do as well.” Her voice softened. “I ask that you grant Vandal that chance now. Allow him to prove to you, as he has done to me, that he can change.”

The League was silent. Vandal finally rose from his seat and stood next to Celestia, who gave him a warm smile and a quick but affectionate nuzzle. Superman narrowed his eyes at the two of them and crossed his arms over his wide chest.

“I want to agree with you, Princess, I truly do. You’re right; I believe that people can be redeemed of their mistakes as well, but Vandal Savage has had more than his fair share of second chances, and every one of them has been wasted. This also isn’t the first time he’s seduced royalty to gain power. I won’t risk either of our worlds on the tiny chance that Savage isn’t just up to his old tricks.”

Vandal sighed as he reached into his jacket pocket. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Plan B it is then.”

“Vandal, what—” Celestia let out a surprised gasp as Vandal roughly grabbed her around the torso and jabbed a syringe filled with a glowing, pinkish liquid into the side of her neck. The Justice League was about to spring into action but Vandal stopped them with a click of his tongue.

“Ah, ah, ah. This syringe contains a highly potent neurotoxin I’ve developed. It might even be strong enough to kill me, so I’d hate to see what it will do to the Princess if I’m forced to inject it.” Superman and the other heroes took a slow step backwards, and Vandal sneered. “That’s better.”

“What are you doing? I thought that...” Celestia trailed off, her eyes wide with confusion. Vandal looked at her, and she practically didn’t recognize him. Gone were the soft, doubt-riddled eyes of man she had spent her evening with, and in their place were malicious hate and pure condescending arrogance the likes of which she had never seen before. That nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach was back in full force.

“I’m truly sorry about this, Celestia,” he whispered in her ear, “but I’m afraid Superman is exactly right. I was hoping to trick you into helping me take over the world, but now it seems I’ll have to use the direct approach.”

“Let her go, Savage!” Green Lantern shouted, his ring glowing with energy at he trained it on the villain. Vandal ignored him.

“It’s going to take me much longer to learn how to duplicate your sun-controlling powers without your cooperation, but then it’s not as though you or I are really pressed for time, are we?” Celestia shook her head, or would have if the sharp pain in the side of her neck didn’t remind her that such a motion was probably a bad idea.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” she hissed “You’ve just got to be kidding me!”

“We’re not letting you leave with her as your hostage, Savage,” Superman assured as the rest of the League spread out to block any potential exit. “There’s no way out.”

“On the contrary,” Vandal said with an evil grin as he let go of Celestia’s torso and slipped another small device from his pocket, “my new quantum displacement transporter doesn’t just rip holes between dimensions: it can send me anywhere in the galaxy. It also comes with a handy remote and a wide-beam setting big enough for two. Ta-ta for now, Justice League.”

He raised the device and was about to press the button when it was suddenly enveloped in a yellow light and ripped from his grip. Before he could register anything other than surprise, the syringe was likewise pushed away from Celestia’s neck, and despite his best efforts the plunger remained firmly in place. As soon as the needle was clear of her coat, the syringe was thrown to the floor where it shattered, the deadly toxin staining the carpet harmlessly. The remote exploded in midair, shrapnel peppering Vandal as he raised a hand to shield his face. Too late, he took notice of the same yellow light pulsing along his sleeve as he was yanked into the air and found himself floating face to muzzle with a very, very perturbed alicorn princess.

“I am so sick,” Celestia said as she stared into Vandal’s eyes, “I am completely and utterly sick of this! I have had so many bad dates in the past few months, all of them ending in disaster! And the ones I told you about? They’re just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been attacked, insulted, humiliated, nearly killed more than once, and worst of all, I’ve had my heart broken!”

The room began to shake and tremble as Celestia’s rage grew, and while restaurant staff and patrons had long since fled, the Justice League stood their ground, not quite sure what to make of the situation and exchanging worried glances.

“And you want to know what the worst part is?” she continued. “You. You deceptive, manipulative, self-important and heartless little hairless ape! You deserve the name ‘Vandal Savage’, you animal! You came here with the explicit intent of taking advantage of me; to use me for your own violent ends! At least most of my other dates, even the crude and offensive ones, were actually interested in me!” As she spoke, tears began to wet her cheeks. “Everything you said was a lie. This whole evening was a lie.”

“I lie to everyone, Princess,” Vandal replied, a touch of strain in his voice from the magic that was currently constricting his ribcage. “Don’t blame me for being true to my own nature.”

Celestia’s watery eyes widened, and with an uncharacteristic snarl she flung her date across the room, slamming him into the restaurant’s far wall with enough force to bring part of it down on top of him. Her head hanging low, she took her time slowly trotting over to where he had fallen.

“Uh… should we stop her, maybe?” Green Lantern asked.

“No,” Wonder Woman and Shayera answered in perfect unison.

“I’ve got some work to do back in Gotham,” Batman turned and vanished into the shadows.

“Ten bucks on the alien princess!” Flash said as he zipped back into the room from the kitchen carrying a partially-devoured plate of hor d'oeuvres.

Celestia looked down on the small pile of rubble as it settled, shaking her head sadly. “I’m so tired of this… I feel like I’ve become the universe’s personal emotional punching bag, and I can’t stand it anymore.”

The debris shifted as a bleeding Vandal Savage pushed his way out from under the bricks and plaster with a pained grunt. His right arm hung limply at his side, twisted at an unnatural angle, but within seconds it began to move and shift. Celestia watched with a combination of revulsion and curiosity as the bones in his arm snapped loudly back into place, the bruises faded and the cuts on his face healed before her eyes.

A surprisingly devious grin crept onto her face.

“Members of the Justice League,” she called over her shoulder, her eyes never leaving Vandal. “May I borrow Mr. Savage for a little bit?”

“Given the circumstances, I suppose we really should allow the two of you to finish your date,” Superman smirked and crossed his arms, “but as soon as it’s over we’ll be back to take Savage into custody.”

“We could just let her keep him,” Shayera offered.

“Oh, I have no intention of spending any more time in this monster’s company than is necessary,” Celestia said. “You can have him back… as soon as I’m done with him, that is.”

“Then we’ll leave you to it,” Superman said before turning and flying right back out the window the heroes had entered through.

“Hera help you, Vandal Savage,” Wonder Woman offered as she too took to the sky. “I have a feeling you’re going to need it.”

“You kids have fun!” Flash waved before whooshing off into the night after the rest of the League.

With the two of them now alone in the restaurant, Vandal glared up at Celestia as she wrapped her magic around him once again and forced his body into a sitting position.

“So what now, Princess?” he sneered. “Are you planning to banish me somewhere until I learn the error of my ways? Or perhaps you’ll have one of your little ponies take me into their home and try to reform me?”

“Not this time, Mr. Savage,” Celestia grinned as her wings flared and her magical grip on him tightened. “No, I have something entirely different planned for you.”

Vandal’s eyes widened as the alicorn’s shadow loomed over him.

“Oh dear.”

“Sister!” Luna cried. “I cannot believe what I am hearing! Certainly this Vandal Savage was a cruel and evil man, but does that justify beating and repeatedly maiming him in some kind of… sadistic form of stress relief?” The two of them sat at a small table on Celestia’s balcony, enjoying a light breakfast as the elder alicorn related the events of the previous evening.

“Oh, please, Luna, I did nothing of the sort,” Celestia said, calmly taking another sip of her tea. “I simply hog-tied him using some towels from the restaurant’s kitchen and strung him up to the dining room’s surprisingly sturdy ceiling fan.” She hesitated, glancing to one side as she lowered her voice. “Which I set to ‘high’ before I left.”

“That’s hot,” Deadpool said, as he emerged from Celestia’s room wearing a pink apron and carrying a tray of scrambled eggs. “Y’know, this Randal Babbage guy—”

“Vandal Savage,” Celestia corrected.

“Right, Bramble Cabbage,” he said, seting the tray down between the royal sisters and pulled up a chair for himself. “He ain’t the only one around who can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. If you ever need to break some bones and blow off some steam, Celly, I’m your man.”

“You only say that because you’d get off on it,” Luna said from behind her teacup, and Deadpool threw up his hands in defeat.

“Okay, okay. Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

With that, an amicable silence fell over the three as they continued their meal.

“What about just the hog-tied ceiling fan thing?”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the swashbuckling and scurvy induced MrAskAPirate. Go check his stories out, such as Siren of the Everfree if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 19: A Bro In Need

Celestia trotted down the empty pathway, not a soul in sight save from the lush bounty of greenery that surrounded her on all sides. Up ahead, Celestia spotted burning sigils in the ground when the pathway ended. Approaching closer, she tried to make out what they said.

Jump off the cliff and stick the landing.

Celestia looked to the cliff, and taking a gander downward, noticed it led to what seemed to be a bottomless, mist covered abyss.

“I knew coming to another dimension would be a bad idea,” Celestia muttered, backing away from the cliff when she started to hear moans and shrieks from down below.

Truthfully, her own dimension hadn’t been the best of places to host dates at, but at least she was more comfortable with it than a location she knew nothing about. But her date had assured her there was no harm in the spot he had asked to see her at. Except for the occasional monster or abomination on the way.

Looking to the opposite side of the cliff, she noticed the pathway continued, up to a set of stairs that led up to a balcony against the hill. Walking up it, Celestia noticed another sigil burning in the floor.

Praise the Sun!

Shaking her head, Celestia continued upward until she reached the top of the hill, where she could see her date near the railing at the end of the balcony, staring up at the setting sun.

She joined him, standing quietly as the two stared together. Shooting him a sideways glance, she noted his odd appearance, though compared to many of her other dates, he looked relatively normal. He was a knight, that much she was certain, his face masked by a large helmet while he wore a chainmail shirt and armored boots and gauntlets. The only other indication of a status upon his person was a tattered shirt with a sun symbol on the front. Within the sun was a face, though Celestia couldn’t tell whether it was smiling or just staring straight ahead with no expression.

“I’ve been expecting you,” he said, startling Celestia. Her eyes looked away from the sun symbol on his chest while her cheeks blushed furiously, but all he could do was laugh in response. “There is no shame in the wandering eye.”

“N-no, it isn’t that, honest,” Celestia muttered. She shook her head, praying the redness on her cheeks would die down. “I just… have a thing for suns, is all.”

He nodded, taking a glance at her cutie mark. “I can see that, as clear as the day that rises on your rump.”

Celestia giggled, playfully shoving against him with her shoulder. “I see you take that no shame business to heart with yours eyes.”

“In a way, yes. There is no shame appreciating art for its true beauty, such as yourself, my dear.” He turned to her, holding out a hand. “I am Solaire of Astora, an adherent of the Lord of Sunlight.”

Celestia placed her hoof in his firm grip and shook. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, Princess of the Sun.”

Solaire chuckled. “Well, well, look at that, we have something in common already.”

“I am guessing your job has something to do with the sun?” Celestia asked.

Solaire shrugged waving his hand passively in the air. “In a way, yes, in another, no. We are but warriors to serve the firstborn of Gwyn, who he himself is the Lord of Sunlight.”

“But wait, why do you serve the firstborn if the father is the true Lord of Sunlight?”

“Gwyn used to be the Lord of Sunlight. He is but the Lord of Cinders now, on account of his… well, burns.” Solaire shrugged. “It’s a long story to get into, but let’s just say he petered off his moral horizon years ago.”

Celestia nodded. “Ah, so you serve the current Lord of Sunlight now, I presume?”

Solaire coughed under his breath, rubbing the back of his helmet awkwardly. “Not exactly…”

Celestia arched a brow while her ears perked up.

“He was once the God of War. A foolish deity that misused his powers for personal gain and the glory of battle. So great were his crimes, his father punished him by stripping away his deictic status, along with all statues and any indication of him on the world be destroyed, even his name fading away to obscurity in due time.”

“So… if I’m getting this right, you’re a warrior of a group of knights who worship a god who isn’t a god anymore, along with the fact none of you know his name?” Celestia said.

Solaire chuckled, nodding his head slightly as he leaned his arms against the crumbling railing. “You probably think me a fool. Not like anyone else already doesn’t. Hard to not be seen as the foolish when in a world as dark as mine you still find a way to be bright.”

Celestia laid a hoof on his hand. “No, no, I don’t think it’s foolish. You have something you believe in. Everyone needs something like that in their lives, and I won’t judge you for it.”

“Thank you.” Solaire cast his gaze back to the sun overhead, where it turned the clouds into fields of gold. “You know, the Warriors of Sunlight aren’t my true calling.”

“Oh?” Celestia asked, a faint smirk on her lips.

“They are a jolly group of friends to co-operate with, but they aren’t why I joined in the first place. He is.” Solaire pointed up to the sky.

Celestia followed his finger’s direction. “A cloud in the shape of a cupcake?”

“No, to the right of that.”

“A cloud in the shape of a mini cupcake?”

“No, what is it with cakes and you? The sun!” He raised both hands straight out into the air, as if he was about to swan dive right off the balcony. Celestia stepped to the side a few feet in case he was going to.

“So… you joined a cult because you loved the sun?” Celestia asked.

“Well, not specifically because of that sun,” Solaire explained, turning back to Celestia. “That isn’t my sun. My sun I still haven’t found.”

“Your… sun?” Celestia smiled clumsily. “Are we still talking about the same ball of fire in the sky?”

“It’s not the sun itself I want. It’s the symbol!” Solaire held a hand to his heart and swooned over the celestial object. “A shining light to make each day bright. A light of joy that hangs over your head each day and promises to return the next. A light of meaning to your life that casts it with rays of understanding over your soul and pours through the clouds of doubt to nurture the heart within.” Solaire glanced to Celestia, his expression as blank as always due to his helmet. “Don’t you see, the sun I search for is the sun every person searches for in their life.”

“Wow… that is oddly touching,” Celestia admitted. She stared at the bodacious knight with new eyes. “I can certainly say I’ve been searching for a sun all my life as well.”

“Look at its beauty, eve as it leaves this world!” Solaire exclaimed, holding out his hands as if he can catch the sun before it set. “If only I could be so grossly incandescent!”

“That’s an odd use of words,” Celestia giggled.

Solaire held a hand to his chest and bowed to her. “What can I say? The hopeless romantic within me can still be heard above all the gibberish from time to time.”

Celestia couldn’t hold back her laugh any longer, and before too long Solaire joined with her as well.

Finishing his hearty chuckle, Solaire fell to one knee so that he could stare at Celestia from a position of where she outshadowed the sun from his view. “Celestia, I have something to admit to you.”

“Oh no, please don’t tell me you have a ring…” Celestia whispered.

“Will you be my sun?”

Celestia groaned. “Listen, Solaire, it’s only been the first date and all, and I—wait, what?”

“My sun. My light in the dark. The one thing I gave up everything for just to be with.” He touched her neck with a gentle hand. “Celestia, you are my sun, and I am but your humble knight. I would like nothing more than serve you and bask in your magnificent radiance as my only reward. For to set eyes on your alone is worth all the riches in the world and then some.”

Celestia’s face was positively on fire, and her cheeks flushed so red her original coat of white couldn’t be seen on her face. She rested a hoof on Solaire’s hand, ignoring how dreadfully cold it felt. “Solaire… no one’s ever said such kind words to me before.”

“That must mean they’re blind if they cannot see the resplendent beauty right before their eyes.”

She gulped, her breath weak as her knees buckled. “Wow, this is so much to take in. To think, I’m your sun, and we only just met.”

“We didn’t just meet. I always knew my sun was out there, keeping me warm even in the darkness. We may have just now laid eyes on one another, but I’ve been in your light for an eternity.” Solaire laid an ice cold palm against her cheek. “I even gave up life just so I could search for you.”

“Wait, what? Life?” Celestia asked, pushing her icy hand away. “But you’re clearly alive.”

Solaire pulled off his helmet, the immaculate face of a man with chiseled good looks and long, golden hair held back in a ponytail greeting Celestia. “While it may appear so, I am undead. I became undead so that I may live forever with no fear of death, just so I can find my sun.”

“But… but that’s insane!” Celestia exclaimed.

Solaire rose to his feet and took a step forward. “Is it? I found my sun, Celestia, which is you. Becoming undead was worth the process it took to get to you.”

“Solaire, you’re not you anymore. Not now, at least.” Celestia touched the exposed skin of his hand and shivered. “How can I love something that isn’t even alive?”

“But Celestia, my beloved goddess of light, I love you!” Solaire reached out with a hand, but Celestia stepped back. “I… I gave up everything for you.”

“I know, Solaire, I know.” Celestia turned away, her wings flaring out. “Including the only thing that could let me love you back.” And with that, she took to the skies, leaving Solaire all alone on the cliff.

The sun set behind the horizon, and the world turned back once again.

Celestia sighed. She was wandering down the halls of the castle, her mind too trouble to have her body rest in just one spot. While her most recent date wasn’t the worse in terms of injury to her internal organs or threats against her life, it had been one of the most emotionally depressing of the bunch. Solaire had so much hope in his eyes when he looked at her, but she couldn’t return that hope in turn. Those eyes had no light behind them.

Passing by her sister’s room, she heard cheers behind the doors. Holding a ear to keyhole, she heard Luna’s voice, along with Deadpool’s—who might as well as just move into her room from how much time he spent in it—and a third voice as well. A voice she had heard earlier in the day, as a matter of fact.

Celestia threw open the doors. Before her was a table set up with plastic cups in a triangle formation on either end. On one side was Deadpool, the other Solaire, while Luna stood in the middle sitting on a keg.

Solaire bounced a ping ping ball off the table and into one of Deadpool’s cups. “Oh , the joy of victory is sweet upon my lips once again!” Solaire shouted, performing that odd stance of his again while Luna clapped her hooves together and whistled.

“What is the meaning of this?” Celestia asked the trio.

Luna hopped off the keg and moved to her sister’s side. “Beer pong, my dear sister! Deadpool introduced Solaire and I to the game, and we just can’t get enough of it!”

“It truly is the game of champions,” Solaire agreed.

Deadpool had managed to finish the rest of his cup of as cheap as a college kid could afford beer without even removing his mask, then gave Celestia a thumbs up. “You really gotta try it sometime!”

“Ooh, we can do teams and participate in jolly co-operation!” Solaire declared, raising a fist of righteousness to the heavens. “I call dibs on Celestia!”

“Hey, no fair!” Deadpool argued.

Celestia held up a hoof for all three of them to silent down. “Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, why is Solaire here?”

“Why, to win you over, of course,” Luna reminded Celestia, smirking deviously to her sister.

“It’s why I’ve been here for the past two weeks,” Deadpool called out, aiming his next shot at Solaire’s cups.

“You haven’t made much progress,” Luna mentioned.

Deadpool’s shot went wide, bounced off a cup, circled in the rim of another one, then went way off course and hit Celestia right in the eye. Deadpool leaned against the table on a hand and shrugged. “I’m the slow kind of romantic, ya know? I’m the tortoise of the dating world. Or would that be turtle?”

“Then I shall be the mighty frog, and leap into the lap of my darling as I know we are fated to one day!” Solaire said, holding a hand to his chest while striking a dramatic pose that dazzled anyone who laid eyes on it.

Covering her eyes with a hoof, Celestia backed away slowly. “I’m pretty sure you’d break my legs if you actually tried to leap in my lap, Solaire. In any event, I’m off to go bury my sorrows in ice cream. Have fun!”

Deadpool adjusted his glasses and saluted to her. “Will do, sunny-buns!”

Luna got back on her keg and tapped her hoof on the table. “Alright, boys, back to business. Whoever wins plays me, and whoever wins that gets to decide what movie we watch tonight!”

Deadpool fistpumped the air. “The Notebook, here I come!”

Guest Chapter: A Quiet Morning (Colgate is best pony)

The bathwater sloshed around sickeningly as Celestia rolled over. She glared at the water. It did not return the favor.

It was too early and Celestia was too hung-over for sloshing. She considered leaving the bath, but decided instead to sink once more beneath the tiny waves of her alicorn sized tub. The water, she thought, would at least keep Luna and her blasted computer from disturbing her once more.

Minutes passed before the sun princess resurfaced, her mane plastered to the side of her face. She left it there to block out the light and save her brain the trouble. With a sigh, she reached for the door into her chambers. She was interrupted by a twitch of her left ear.

Instinctively, she tilted her head in the direction of the sound, which was quickly gaining intensity. Using magic to dry herself off, Celestia popped her throbbing head out of the bathroom window and gazed skyward. After a few seconds, she was able to make out a rapidly accelerating item flying right for her tower.

She screamed. The noise hurt her head, so she stopped screaming and pulled it back into the room. Scrambling backwards, she tripped over a towel and fell into the tub. As she lay there, she decided to curse Luna—who else but her would put her through something like this—and wait for whatever was coming for her to just get it over with.

Celestia waited for several waterlogged moments before realizing that nothing had actually happened. This concerned her somewhat, and she climbed out of the tub, once again with a matted mane. As she absentmindedly dried herself again, she heard a loud crash coming from inside her chambers. She rushed in to confront the intruder.

As she entered her quarters, two things stood out. The first was that her tower was very much still standing. She took a second to appreciate this fact before moving on to the second, and, she figured, more important peculiarity. After blinking stupidly a few times, she came to the conclusion that there was an alien space craft on her balcony.

It was silver, oblong, and resembled an overturned bottle of Celestia’s favorite whiskey. Three struts extended from its lower half, and a ramp slowly extended from what she guessed was the entrance hatch. She walked slowly towards it, her hangover being pushed from the front of her consciousness. It throbbed jealously in return.

The ramp fully extended and the spaceship’s hatch crept open. Something stirred within. Celestia peered inside to see a tall figure emerge with a dignified air. Celestia stepped back wordlessly.

She realized that the creature, a tall, grey biped with a score of golden collars circling around its neck, looked just like what she thought an alien should look like. Were she to write a book about him, she would have noted with distinction his pale gray green alien skin that had that lustrous sheen about it that most gray-green races can acquire only with plenty of exercise and very expensive soap. She began to speak, but the creature raised a hand to silence her.

“Celestia,” it said with a sophisticated accent, “you are an equine land whale. A total lardass. I suggest you try a light beer once in a while.”

And with that, the alien turned, entered his vessel, and departed in a large blast of hot air. Celestia, wishing she still had the hangover, sat on the balcony and watched him leave. She gazed in silence until her bedroom door burst open.

“Wowbagger! Waiiiiiit!”

Luna ran onto the balcony and trained her eyes on the rapidly accelerating space ship. She frowned.

“Jeeze, you could at least stop in to say hi. . .”

Celestia moved from wishing she was still hungover to wishing she was still drunk. She stared up at her sister. A feeble “Wha?” was all she could produce.

Luna sat down angrily. “You didn’t tell me you were seeing him!”

“Seeing who? That jerk? He came down here, scared me half to death, called me fat and—”

Luna interrupted her. “He called you fat?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Luna, your buddy called me fat. Then he just took off, and—”

The moon princess burst out laughing. “Wait, Celly, tell me—what exactly did he call you?”

Celestia glared at her sister, who recoiled slightly.

“Never mind, I’ll ask him later.”

Celestia grabbed her giggling sister. “You know that creep?”

“Know him? I dated him for a while! His name is Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged. He became immortal after an industrial accident a couple millennia ago, and has spent the last few centuries running around the galaxy insulting sentient beings. Guess it was your turn.”

Celestia stared at her sister. She turned to the sky, and back to Luna.

“He became immortal... and didn’t know what to do with his time... and goes around the universe insulting living creatures..." Luna paused, then shrugged. “In alphabetical order, I should add.”

Celestia closed her eyes. “I see.”

She released Luna and rose, slowly. She could hear the bathtub calling for her to return to its silky embrace. She turned to Luna. “Do you still have his number?”

This time it was Luna at a loss for words. “What?”

“His number. I want to date him.”

“But why? He called you fat!”

Celestia glared again. “Yes, he did. And I will be sure to have a... polite conversation about his choice of words. But I have to guess that a man as... well traveled as he must know a thing or two about how to please a lady. Plus, he wasn't too bad looking either."

Luna lost her battle with the giggles and flopped on the floor in hysterics. Her sister scoffed and decided that another bath would be a good idea after all.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the minty fresh Colgate is best pony. Go check his stories out, such as The Price of Citizenship if you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest Chapter: Come And See (The Ponytrician)

Somewhere on the edges of reality, through the vast inky depths of space, swims Great A’Tuin the Star Turtle. Perched upon the massive, meteor-pocked and interstellar dust-rimed carapace are four only slightly less massive World Elephants. Turning slowly upon their backs rests the Discworld, which from a distance more or less resembles a great geological pizza; though with an abundance of mountains and seas, and not enough pepperoni (philosophers of the Disc have suggested that a pizza was what the Creator originally had in mind, and He or She just got a little carried away; the presence of anchovies is often used as supporting evidence).

Completing this picture of the Disc is a tiny sun and moon, held in an endless orbit around and under the Star Turtle and its pachyderm and pancake-planet payload. What Great A’Tuin thinks of this arrangement no one has ever thought to ask; or if they have, they died of old age waiting for a response.

Such weighty matters are of little concern for this story, which begins to unfold as the sun sinks behind the rim of the Disc and the lamps and candles flicker to life in the large seaside town of Quirm. The residents of the city-state are known as a passionate people, with those passions running primarily in the direction of the finer things in life, such as fine art, fine fashion, and fine dining. They are also known for holding their noses aloft at the neighboring city of Ankh-Morpork, thought that is probably because of the smell.

It is the fine dining, however, that is the focus of this particular tale, and the scene unfolds in one of the finest of the fine establishments of Quirm; the kind of eatery that hosts not diners, but clientele. The clientele of this place do nothing so crass as make reservations; they have people for that kind of thing, and even those people have had the cut of their clothes measured to the last stitch and the contents of their purses weighed to a fraction of an ounce before being offered so much as a haughty “Oui?” by the operators of the establishment.

There are some, however, who require no reservations and for whom no portal remains unbarred. Being steadfastly ignored by the other human, dwarf, and even troll clientele (because casual speciesism will quickly evaporate in the presence of vast quantities of money) are two such patrons as different from each other as night is from day. One is Death; the Grim Reaper, the Collector of Souls, the Harvester of Mortality, the Final Justice, who just so happened to look like a tall skeleton shrouded in robes and cowl of purest midnight. Two tiny blue stars burn intently in the endless depths of His empty eye sockets, as His unreadable gaze rests on the guest seated opposite Him.

She is Princess Celestia of Equestria, along with being the Princess of the Sun. She is an alicorn ruler of the magical land of ponies from whence she hails, and possessor of so much magical power that the majority of the Disc’s wizards would break into a cold sweat and go for a good lie down just hearing about it. Her resplendent pegasus wings lie folded against her coat of purest snow, tinged with the pink of sunrise; the stately unicorn horn protruding from her brow glowed with shimmering gold, as it holds aloft a soup spoon in her magical grasp. Her mane and tail, multihued and sparkling like the aurora corealis near the Hub, constantly dance in an ethereal breeze, and her large, expressive purple eyes studied the figure on the other side of the table.

“So… you must travel a lot, and meet all kinds of interesting people in your line of work?” Celestia asked politely, breaking the silence that had been slowly gathering.

LITERALLY EVERYWHERE, AND ONLY BRIEFLY, Death replied in a voice reminiscent of a heavy tomb door grinding shut, that passed straight into Celestia brain without even bothering with the medium of ears or sound.

“Ah, about that…” Celestia’s gaze drifted to the scythe that was propped against the back of Death’s chair, its blade translucent like frozen starlight. “If it’s not impolite of me to ask, you don’t actually, you know...?”

GRACIOUS, NO, Death replied. I AM MERELY THE PROVIDER OF A SERVICE, FACILITATING THE TRANSITION BETWEEN LIFE AND THAT WHICH COMES AFTER. Celestia visibly relaxed at this comment. IN FACT, YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY THAT I’M AT THE CUTTING EDGE OF MY CRAFT.

Celestia blinked.

THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS, Death explained. YOU SEE, BECAUSE OF THE SCYTHE—

“Yes, thank you, I got that,” Celestia interrupted, hastily consigning the joke to a shallow, unmarked grave. “It was very amusing,” she offered after a moment of thought, placing a metaphorical lone flower of polite consolation on the burial mound.

There was a pregnant pause, which gave birth to an awkward silence (the awkward silence grew rapidly and tried to make it on its own as a thoughtful brooding, but quickly ending up moving back in with its parents because have you seen the cost of rent these days?).

Celestia, realizing that no response was forthcoming, decided to break the silence yet again. She nodded at the other diners and the busy wait staff, who had apparently decided that they didn’t exist. “So, would you care to explain how come no one seems to be really noticing us? I would have expected at least a few comments, or even some strange glances.”

THE MINDS OF MORTALS ARE CURIOUS THINGS, Death intoned. THEY SPEND THEIR WHOLE LIVES IGNORING THE REALITY AROUND THEM AND SUBSTITUTING IT WITH THEIR OWN THOUGHTS, THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION OF DEATH AND A MAGICAL PONY PRINCESS BARELY REGISTER WITH THEM. THERE ARE NOTABLE EXCEPTIONS; THE MAGICALLY INCLINED, FOR EXAMPLE, SUCH AS WITCHES AND WIZARDS. AND CATS. I LIKE CATS. THE MAJORITY OF MORTALS INSTEAD FILL THEIR LIVES WITH NEEDLESS COMPLICATIONS. He gestured to the array of cutlery in front of Him that less resembled eating utensils and more closely resembled a torturer’s tool rack. SEVEN DIFFERENT FORKS? NINE DIFFERENT SPOONS? A MINIATURE HAMMER? He raised an odd-looking utensil that looked like forceps from a surgical theater. AND WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS EVEN IS?

“Zat is ze pinces à escargots, m’sieur,” a passing waiter whispered, then walked away with the expression of somebody who is wondering why they are talking to themselves.

“Well, he seemed to notice us,” Celestia observed.

REFLEX, Death remarked. INGRAINED FROM YEARS OF RESPONDING TO THE SAME QUESTION, THE BODY NOW RESPONDS WITHOUT EVEN REQUIRING THE INTERVENTION OF THE BRAIN. Death nodded approvingly. YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE A PROFESSIONAL. He went back to examining the cutlery piece by piece.

A sudden realization clicked into place for Celestia. She reached a hoof across the table and, ignoring the chill that emanated from him, placed it upon his bony hand. “It’s okay, I understand,” she said calmly. “This is your first time using the website, isn’t it? First date jitters, am I correct?”

Death let out a sigh between his teeth, because he didn’t have much choice in the matter. CELESTIA, I’M AFRAID THAT I MUST APOLOGIZE, AND CONFESS TO AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE FOR BRINGING YOU HERE.

Celestia couldn’t help herself; her gaze immediately flicked to that horrifically beautiful scythe, watching as random motes of dust flared out of existence as they annihilated themselves against a blade edge sharper than the crack of breaking ice to someone traversing a frozen lake in the dead of winter. If Death noticed, he did not comment.

I MUST CONFESS THAT I AM NOT YOUR DATE FOR THIS EVENING, Death continued.

Celestia’s eyes snapped back to stare into the near-empty sockets of Death. “You’re not?” she asked, obviously puzzled. “Then who is?”

Something warm and slightly wet blew into her ear. Celestia spun around to behold a horse —nay, a stallion—beside her. The milky white coat that covered the rolling muscle of his body almost glowed with a luminescent realness that seemed to cause the rest of the room to fade into the background. He was the very epitome of a stallion; primitive humans of the Disc had carved the likeness of his ancestors into chalk cliffs and into cave walls out of respect. He nickered at Celestia.

PRINCESS CELESTIA, MEET BINKY, MY STEED. BINKY, MEET PRINCESS CELESTIA.

Celestia’s jaw sagged slightly at the sight of this horse, this Binky. “I, uh,” she managed. He was definitely one hundred percent—she looked again—make that one hundred and ten percent, pure stallion.

Binky reached around to the table behind him and with his teeth relieved the diners of their salads, the table of it’s floral centerpiece, and one of the clientele of her corsage. He dropped it on the tablecloth in front of Celestia and nudged it forward with a gentle whinny.

Celestia stared at the collection of greenery and petals.

I’M AFRAID THAT HE’S HAD SOMEWHAT OF AN ATTRACTION TO YOU EVER SINCE HE SAW YOUR ‘PROFILE’ ON THAT HEX DEVICE AT UNSEEN UNIVERSITY, Death explained, oblivious to Celestia’s current lack of coherence. HOWEVER, NOT BEING IMMORTAL, MERELY LONG-LIVED WHILE IN MY SERVICE, BINKY DOES NOT MEET THE CRITERIA OF THE DATING SERVICE. HE WAS SO INFATUATED, IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO TO SIGN UP IN HIS STEAD AND GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MEET YOU.

“Buh,” Celestia blurted.

AND NOW, Death stood, gathering up his scythe and pulling his robe and cloak about him. THE DUTY CALLS. He reached into a pocket and pulled out two odd-looking hourglasses; there was very little sand left in the top bulb of each, and it was decreasing by the moment. Celestia imagined that she could almost hear a gentle hiss of falling sand and noticed something inscribed in the base of each hourglass; it looked like names. Death examined each hourglass carefully. LOOKS LIKE A NATURAL CAUSES IN THE SHADES, AND A DRUNKEN HIPPOPOTAMUS IN HOWONDALAND. He carefully placed the hourglasses back in His pocket and turned to Celestia and Binky. YOU TWO CRAZY KIDS HAVE FUN. He tilted His head and one of the tiny blue stars in the inky depths of the eye sockets briefly dimmed and flared back into brightness. Celestia realized with horrible clarity that Death was winking. I WON’T WAIT UP.

As Death turned and strode away, a small, dark shape scurried from the restaurant kitchen, scrambling up Death’s robes and onto His shoulder. Celestia saw a large, skeletal rat, dressed in similar attire to Death, with a tiny scythe clutched in its bony jaws. It removed the scythe and stared at Celestia with tiny blue star-like eyes. SQUEAK, it offered, as the pair passed through the restaurant walls as if they offered no more resistance than shadow.

Celestia turned her gaze back to Binky, who was surreptitiously trying to nuzzle up next to her. She shrugged to herself.

“So, Binky... do you dine here often?”

Princess Luna pause her game and levitated away her headset. There it was again; an unsteady clip-clop-clip of somepony trying—and failing—to sneak past her bedroom door. She peered out her window where the sky was rosy with the first kiss of dawn’s light. Luna grinned broadly and strode to the door, flinging it open with a crash.

“And what time do we call this, young lady?!” Luna exclaimed in her best Royal Canterlot Voice.

Princess Celestia pause mid-sneak, a guilty expression pinned to her face. “Luna, I…” she began.

Luna took in Celestia’s disheveled appearance and slightly unsteady stance, and her grin widened. “Oh-ho-ho!” she chuckled. “We know a Trot of Shame when we see one!”

A blush crept across Celestia’s face, the bright pink in her cheeks mirroring the sunrise outside. “Luna, please…”

“So, La Grande Mort provided a bit of La Petite Mort, did he?” Luna teased, waggling her eyebrows.

Celestia’s blush deepened. “Just… Luna, please be quiet!”

“I thought you preferred them with a bit more meat on their bones, but it seems that he was meaty enough in the right places.”

“Luna, please shut up; before you wake up everypony in the castle!” Celestia hissed, racing over to cram a hoof in her sister’s mouth.

Luna evaded the out-thrust hoof. “Sister,” she asked, nose wrinkling. “Why do you smell of stallion?”

There was a muffled thump behind them. Both sisters’ heads swiveled to face the open door of the guest bedroom; there Deadpool, attired in knee-length nightshirt and pointed nightcap and clutching a plush pony that greatly resembled a certain white alicorn, had slumped to the floor.

“NOOOOO!” he exclaimed in despair. He raised his head to the sky and hugged the plushie to his chest, eyes closed as if in pain. “Betrayed by my own waifu!”

Celestia buried her face in a hoof. “Why me?”

“I shall forgive you, my Princess,” Deadpool declaimed dramatically. “My love for you burns brighter than the sun itself!”

Solaire poked his helmed head out from the doorway of a second guest room. “Did I hear somebody mention the Sun?” he asked hopefully.

Celestia rounded on Luna. “You gave him a guest room? Why in the name of Equestria did you give him a guest room?”

Luna gave a nonchalant shrug. “It seemed the hospitable thing to do. We needed a fourth for bridge, and you were out on your date; and the games did go rather late… or early, as the case may be.”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “Wait a moment—a fourth? Who is the third?”

On cue, the guest bathroom door opened in a cloud of steam. Discord, towel wrapped about his waist and shower cap upon his head, strolled out of the bathroom whistling a merry tune. “Bathroom’s free!” he cheerily exclaimed, holding up a rubber ducky and squeaking it for emphasis. He winked suggestively at Celestia. “Though from what I heard Luna say, I think Ms. Eau de Roll-in-the-Hay has next dibs.” Producing a square yellow bath sponge, he placed it on the tip of Celestia’s horn. “Ta-ta, folks!” he waved at Solaire and Deadpool as he strolled past, trailing a cloud of soap bubbles.

Celestia’s eyes rolled up to glare at the sponge balanced precariously on the end of her horn. “What has my life come to?”

Author's Notes:

With all apologies to Sir Terry Pratchett.

Guest chapter written by the pretentiously perilous yet perfectly perverted The Ponytrician. Go check him out if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 20: Looking For A Looker

“I feel like we’ve met before,” Celestia mentioned.

“Really? I don’t think we’ve ever interacted until now.”

Celestia furrowed her brows and hummed under her breath. “No, no, I’m sure of it.”

“Hmm… I don’t think I recall…”

“Oh wait, I got it!” Celestia slapped her hoof on the table. “You tried to kill me that one time, remember?”

Loki slurped the rest of his noodles and arched a brow, having long ago abandoned his chopsticks when he thought they were oversized toothpicks. The Chinese restaurant was his idea, and thus far Celestia had enjoyed the cuisine, even if it was a bit on the greasy side. Just like the entire establishment, actually. Loki had mentioned mortals are composed of about fifty percent grease and needed it as a daily sustenance for life, though Celestia didn’t take his word for it.

“I’ve tried to kill a lot of people,” Loka said. He adjusted the golden horn helmet atop his head, checking down to make sure he hadn’t spilled any duck sauce on his green leather coat. “Like, a lot of people. You’re going to need to specify the location, situation, time, date, year, month, and moon cycle to better refresh my memory.”

“It was because I was dating your father, Odin. Well, one date, at least. Then you and Thor crashed the dinner. You tried to stab me through the neck. Thor busted your skull with his hammer.” Celestia paused, tapping her chin. “Actually, that might explain why you can’t remember…”

Loki snapped his fingers, which caused extra egg rolls to fall into his open palm. Taking a bite out of one, he spoke through a full mouth, “Oooh yeah, that time. I had a migraine for months after that.”

Celestia stared at him with a disapproving gaze.

Gulping down the rest of his egg roll, Loki sighed. “Look, sorry I tried to murder you horrifically because you went on a date with my father. I threw a hissy fit and that’s my bad, okay. Although, truthfully, my brother only showed up as an excuse to fight.”

“He’s a bit of a strange one, I’ll admit.”

“Strange? Thor?” Loki chuckled, the smirk on his face putting even the most devious of snakes to shame. “My brother is perhaps the most normal person I’ve ever met. Well, other than the hunger for battle part, but that’s typical for my race. Thor is, if anything, the most predictable person I know. He’ll do exactly what you expect him to do, on the dot, every time.”

Celestia smiled. “I guess this plays in your favor during turbulent sibling rivalries?”

Loki rolled his eyes, slicking back his long black hair. “Less than you’d think.”

“Well, other than Thor, what is the rest of your family like?” Celestia asked, leaning forward.

Loki arched a brow at her. “Didn’t you jump ship on the whole god dating deal specifically because of the family aspects?”

Celestia waved her hoof passively. “At first, yes, until I realized I had some… family troubles of my own.” Her eyes narrowed. “Especially relating to a particularly problematic alicorn sister and the frat boy excuses she has as friends. Oh, and Discord. It’s always Discord.”

“Oh, Discord, huh? Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony?” Loki asked.

Celestia’s stomach dropped right down into the deepest depths of Tartarus. “No… please, no, not again.”

Loki rubbed his chin and kicked back in his seat. “Oh man, that guy. Discord, Discord, Discord. Now there’s a feller you don’t forget, even with an immortal memory span. Why, I remember—”

“Wait, don’t tell me,” Celestia interrupted, holding up a hoof. “You knew him back in some chaos college or something equally stupid and it turns out you used to be old buddies?”

Loki nodded slowly. “We were roommates, actually. How’d you know?”

“Lucky guess,” Celestia hissed, getting out of her seat. “Really frickin’ lucky guess.”

“Whoa, whoa, where are you going?” Loki asked, holding up a hand to her.

Celestia was already shuffling towards the door in a sideways walk. “Out of here. I already learned first hand that anyone associated with Discord can only lead to trouble for me. Or awkwardly waking up in bed with whisky on my breath.” Celestia finally made a beeline for the door, calling over her shoulder, “But good luck with you and whatnot!”

Before Celestia could throw open the doors to make her timely escape, they were thrown open for her. In the opposite direction, however, causing her to be propelled backward back to Loki, where she fell in a greasy and duck sauce laden mess over their meal.

“Not so fast!” Thor said, stepping over the broken restaurant doors as he pointed his hammer at Loki. “You’re not getting away this time, brother!”

“Ah, Thor, right on time, as I predicted,” Loki said. He picked up a fortune cookie from Celestia’s head and smiled. “And I didn’t even need one of these.”

“You knew he’d show up?” Celestia asked. She couldn’t exactly direct her question right to Loki, on account of her eyes being blinded by the kung-pow-chicken covering her face.

“Yes. I robbed a bank. It was only a matter of time before he tracked me.”

“Why would you rob a bank?”

Loki shrugged, taking a small nibble from his cookie. “I needed money to pay for this date, so I thought it was in my best interests to show you the good time you deserved.”

A fire started to spark along Celestia’s mane, with the kung-pow-chicken changing from mild to extra spicy now. “By getting cheap fast food?”

“Hey, I said good time, not great time.” Loki winked at her just as she cleared her eyes. “That’d come from later tonight, and to be more specific, from you.”

Celestia was practically seething, Loki couldn’t stop grinning, and all the while, Thor stood there awkwardly, his eyes shifting between the two as he fidgeted with his hammer.

“Um… you know, I can come arrest Loki at another time,” Thor said, pointing a thumb behind his back. “If you two need a few minutes to, uh, talk?”

“The only talking around here will be this hammer—” Celestia shouted, grabbing Thor’s hammer out of his grasp “—with Loki’s face!” And with that, Celestia smashed the hammer right against the jaw of Loki, knocking him through several walls and even a hot oil fryer.

“Mjolnir can be wielded by one such as her?” Thor asked himself. He hummed under his breath, observing Celestia continuing to beat Loki to a pulp with the legendary hammer of legend that can only be held by those it deemed worthy. “I guess it has a thing for pony princesses.”

Guest Chapter: Aliens In Canterlot (Rytex)

“Thank-you for agreeing to meet me,” Celestia said, sipping at a cup of tea she had conjured with the merest flick of her magic. The small, sci-fi cafe they had agreed to meet at was almost completely devoid of ponies. Only the princess, her date, and the employees were there.

“Oh, it’s no problem at all, really,” the pony opposite her said in a thick, Trottingham accent. It was funny, she had been expecting something grand and different, much like her last encounters. Little did she expect to find a mere earth pony with a tan coat and brown mane waiting for her. And while she had come dressed in her royal attire, he had seen fit to be wearing a brown coat with a blue jacket and red necktie. When she had glanced at his cutie mark, she saw a little hourglass. “One of the perks of being a time traveler is you’re never late to anything.”

“A time traveler?” Celestia’s curiosity was piqued. “How is that possible? Star Swirl created spells for time jumps are only up to three years in the past or future.”

“Well,” he said, putting quite a bit of emphasis on that one word, “I have a time machine called the TARDIS. Stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space. Basically, I can go anywhere and any when I want. Course, she doesn’t always want to take me places.”

“‘She?’” Celestia’s curiosity had evolved into full-on burning interest. “Your… TARDIS, right? It’s sentient?”

“Yep,” the earth pony said, punctuating the on word with a pop. “My TARDIS is quite sentient. Doesn’t always take me where or when I want to go, but will always take me where or when I need to go.”

“So you’re saying,” Celestia said with a slight smile, “that you’re needed here right now?”

“Well,” he did that strange little extra emphasis again, “maybe. Can never be sure. Something important could be happening, or maybe I’m just here to go on a date with a lovely princess.” He stuck a hoof into his coat and pulled out a cellophane bag with gummy candies inside. “Would you like a jelly baby?”

“Yes, please,” Celestia answered, levitating one into her mouth as the pony popped one into his mouth as well. “You know, I never got your name.”

“Oh, I’m the Doctor,” he answered, giving a polite bow.

“Doctor who?” Celestia asked, confused. Ponies had strange names sometimes that denoted their personality, but a pony who was just named Doctor?

“No, just the Doctor,” the pony replied with a slight chuckle. “Never gets old, having people say that.”

“So, Doctor, how many years have you been around?” she asked.

“Over one thousand eight hundred,” the Doctor answered quite casually. “At least, from a linear standpoint. It gets hard to count, all the jumping around that I do.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well,” Again with the emphasis! “most ponies think that time is just a strict progression of cause to effect,” the Doctor explained, pulling out a pen from his coat and drawing a straight line on a blank white paper napkin. “But from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint,” he doodled a large, messy group of circles, “it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff.”

He punctuated the issue by haphazardly scratching everything out. The result looked much like a five-year-old foal’s random doodles.

“Still don’t understand,” Celestia said, with a shake of her head.

“It gets easier the more you time travel,” the Doctor said. “Blimey, where’s the waiter? He should have been here some minutes ago.”

The restaurant they had chosen to meet at was a strange new place that had opened up a few months ago. By no means was it fancy, but it wasn’t fast-food either. It was basically your run-of-the-mill sit-down cafe. Celestia looked around at the different decorations in the restaurant, noting that they all seemed to have something to do with space travel.

“WOULD YOU LIKE MORE TEA?”

The robotic monotone voice made Celestia nearly jump out of her skin. She whirled around to see a strange, golden waste-basket-shaped metal thing holding a teapot next to her nearly empty cup. It had two lights on top of a dome-shaped helmet of sorts that flashed when it spoke, and it had a single eye-stalk that held up a mechanical blue eyepiece.

“Oh for goodness' sake,” the Doctor said in complete disbelief as it surveyed the metal creature. “If you think I’m falling for this trick again, you’ve got another thing coming. Just go back up to your flying saucer and leave this place alone.”

“I AM AFRAID I DO NOT UNDERSTAND,” the metal thing said in complete monotone, whirling its eye-stalk to look at the Doctor. “SCAN INDICATES DI-CARDIAC VASCULAR SYSTEM. BIOLOGY BEARS RESEMBLANCE TO THE RACE OF BEINGS KNOWN AS THE TIME LORDS.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” the Doctor said, getting up and advancing on the metal thing, which glided backwards slightly, as if out of fear. “I’m a Time Lord. I’m the Time Lord. I am the Oncoming Storm, and I am protecting this planet! So if you want to invade, Dalek, you’re going to have to go through me!”

“THE ONCOMING STORM?” the creature repeated in monotone. “YOU MUST BE THE BEING KNOWN AS THE DOC-TOR. IT IS NICE TO MEET YOU AGAIN.”

“Yeah, I’m the—wait a minute, what?”

The Doctor seemed at a complete loss for words as Princess Celestia offered the 'Dalek' her cup, into which it poured a generous measure surprisingly easily for a machine.

“YOU MAY KNOW ME AS THE DALEK THAT YOU MET IN THE HUMAN HENRY VAN STATTEN’S UNDERGROUND BASE OF OPERATIONS.”

“Wha… no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” the Doctor said, shaking his head quite rapidly and backing away from the Dalek. Celestia noticed his ears were splayed back and his pupils had shrunk. This Dalek must have either terrified him or completely rocked his world to the core. Apparently, both of them. “You self-destructed. You triggered the Dalekanium’s self-destruct mechanism. I was there. I saw it happen. You told Rose Tyler to command you to kill yourself.”

“THE DALEKANIUM SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM MALFUNCTIONED AND ENGAGED A TEMPORAL WARP. I WAS SENT DECADES INTO THE FUTURE AND I APPEARED IN THE LOCATION DESIGNATED MANEHATTAN.”

The Doctor just stared. Celestia was content to sit there, watching the scene play out. Immortals always have some kind of baggage with them. Comes with the eternal life package. Guess the Doctor’s not fond of these Daleks.

“So…” the Doctor said, swallowing nervously, “you didn’t…”

“I KILLED NO FURTHER. THE HUMAN PART OF ME HAD BEGUN TO OVERRIDE MY DALEK INSTINCT. I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE HOW THESE EQUINE BEINGS LIVED.”

Celestia, who had been in the middle of a sip, had almost sputtered it out. Killed? This being had killed before?

And quite frankly, how had it appeared in Equestria right under her nose without her knowing? Surely an alien presence would have been reported to her instantly by the guards.

“Umm, I don’t know if you have a name,” she said weakly, somewhat overwhelmed by this information.

“DALEKS HAVE DESIGNATIONS, BUT I AM KNOWN AS DALEK JINN. AND YOU ARE CELESTIA, SOVEREIGN EMPRESS OVER THE PONIES.”

“Princess, not Empress,” she corrected. “How did you come to be a waiter?”

“I WAS STILL CONNECTED TO THE DALEK DATABASE, WHICH OPERATES INDEPENDENTLY OF ANY TEMPORAL RESTRICTIONS.”

“Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey,” the Doctor noted, staring quite intently at the Dalek.

“I DISCOVERED THEY HAD POSED AS SERVANTS TO THE HUMAN BRITISH EMPIRE IN AN ATTEMPT TO REBUILD THEIR EMPIRE. I WAS LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE OF MY OWN, SO I DECIDED TO START BY SERVING AND FOLLOWING ORDERS NO MATTER HOW THEY CAME. AND SO I BECAME A WAITER.”

“So, even after all this time, Rose’s touch has lasting effects,” the Doctor mused again. “How long exactly have you been in Equestria?”

“APPROXIMATELY FOUR MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY-SIX THOUSAND RELS, THE EQUIVALENT TO THREE HUMAN MONTHS.”

“Only three months?” The Doctor seemed quite intrigued. “You’ve known the Daleks rebuilt themselves, but you’ve only been on Equestria for three months?”

“AS YOU AND I BOTH NOTED, DOC-TOR, TIME DOES NOT OPERATE AS INFERIOR BEINGS BELIEVE IT DOES.”

“These ponies are far from inferior, err, Jinn,” the Doctor said, and Celestia heard a note of anger. “They’re brilliant, you know. I ought to know, I’m a Time Lord stuck in a pony body. I’m sure the Master would have a snide remark or two, but that’s beside the point. Don’t call them inferior. You may actually be trying to fit in with these ponies, but I’m keeping my eye on you, Dalek. One slip up, just one, and you’ll learn just why they call me the Oncoming Storm.”

“IN ANY CASE DOC-TOR, WOULD YOU LIKE A BEVERAGE?”

“As long as it isn’t pear flavored.”

“I WILL BRING ONE OF APPLE VARIETY.”

The Dalek spun around and glided off, leaving the Doctor to stare after it with a combination of fascination and distrust.

“What is the matter?” Celestia asked.

“Well, the Daleks and the Time Lords aren’t exactly the most friendly of species. Their entire species is built around the extermination of anything that isn’t Dalek. It’s not entirely their fault, though. A madman by the name of Davros mutated the lot of them from an intelligent race into… those.”

“That’s horrible!”

“Yeah, well,” the Doctor rubbed at his mane sheepishly, “they’ve caused me no end of trouble over the years. Caused several regenerations. Like from my fifteenth self into my sixteenth. Now that was a doozy of a regeneration.”

“Regeneration?” Celestia asked, arching an eyebrow. “I don’t understand.”

“Basically,” the Doctor explained, “whenever a Time Lord’s body suffers a mortal wound, gets too old, or whenever he or she wants to, the Time Lord will regenerate. Fresh new look, new personality, healthy body, and one regeneration count closer to death.”

“So, you’re not immortal, then?” Celestia asked.

“Not technically, no,” the Doctor shrugged, “but some Time Lords are granted new regeneration cycles for works of service. Each body has twelve different regenerations, so thirteen total bodies. A new regeneration cycle starts the countdown all over once it reaches the thirteenth form. I myself got me a new one hundreds of years ago. Back on Trenzalore. Long story, but the Daleks were responsible for it, if indirectly—”

“EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

The Doctor jumped out of his chair, hoof digging into his coat and pulling out a strange metal thing with a blue diode at the end and pointing it straight at the Dalek, who was gliding at top speed out of the kitchens, firing its laser haphazardly at the ground. The Doctor only blinked in disbelief as the Dalek continued to fire its laser at a rat that was skittering across the ground with a hunk of cheese.

“Well…” the Doctor croaked in a weak voice.

“That was… a thing,” Celestia agreed as the Dalek chased the poor mouse back to the kitchens. “I think it is good we are the only two here at this hour.”

“Yeah, I think I have to agree,” the Doctor concurred. “This little date of ours seems to be pretty ill-fated, if you ask me. Which means it’s a good thing I think fate is a load of horseapples.”

“Oh?” she asked, curiosity once again piqued. “I know many mares and stallions who follow fate to a T. Tell me, Doctor, why do you think fate doesn’t exist?”

“Because of what I’ve explained to you,” he said, sliding the scribbled napkin across the table. “The universe can go so many different ways. And many times, things try to change the past. But there are some things that must happen, we call those fixed points in time, and some things that only can happen, which we consider points in flux. Those points in flux can be altered, which can drastically change things. Fixed points, however, cannot be changed, no matter what.”

“So, if I wanted to go and stop my sister from falling to the Nightmares?” Celestia started, but the Doctor interjected.

“Fixed point. Nightmare Moon has always happened, across all the different Equestrias. However, there are some things that you might think are fixed, but aren’t. For example,” he said, pulling out a picture of an aged Twilight Sparkle still as a unicorn, “Twilight Sparkle’s ascension. It happened here and now, but in many universes, it never happened for one reason or another. I remember finding one where she was named Arch-Mage of Equestria. Funnily enough, she did become an alicorn after a while, but not a pseudo-alicorn. More like you or Luna.”

“The actual avatar of a force?” Celestia could feel a smattering of extra pride in this unknown version of Twilight Sparkle well up inside her.

“Yep. Magic itself, in this case. But the point is, there are so many universes out there, so many worlds where things are different because of different things, but on those worlds, many of the same things have happened.”

“YOUR BEVERAGE, DOC-TOR.”

The Dalek was back, and it deposited a bottle of apple cider from Sweet Apple Acres in front of the Doctor, before gliding back.

“WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONSUME FOR SUSTENANCE?”

“Ehh, just a daisy sandwich,” Princess Celestia said.

“Hay bacon, lettuce, and tomato,” the Doctor answered, giving his menu to the Dalek, who promptly glided off into the kitchen.

“I’m quite surprised, Doctor,” Celestia mused out loud. “You seem quite tense about him, but you treat him no differently than you do me. Disregarding, of course, the outburst a few minutes ago.”

“Well,” Celestia had to admit, the emphasis was starting to grow on her, “that Dalek was one I thought was the last of its kind, a race of aliens that had massacred my people, or so I’d thought. It seems to have reformed itself quite well, and thanks to one of my companions from a long time ago, I’m giving it a chance. If it screws that up, well, you’ll see a Time Lord in all his fury.”

“To say nothing of mine, if it harms but one of my little ponies,” Celestia added, her horn giving a slight golden twinkle for added emphasis.

“You know, I must wonder,” the Doctor thought aloud, “does it ever get boring, being a princess?”

“Boring? Oh, heavens no,” Celestia answered with a slight laugh. “The nobles and their attempts to maneuver me into being their puppet always keep me on the tips of my hooves, but I do suppose it gets a bit… tedious.”

“Doing the same old stuff over and over again?”

“Yes, exactly!”

“Well, I’ve got to admit, Princess, I thought I was going to be here for just a simple little date, but it seems my TARDIS brought me here for something else entirely.”

“Something else?” the Princess asked, feeling slightly crestfallen. Had he been using the date for some reason other than an actual date?

“Oh, nothing that bad. Princess, have you ever wanted to see the stars?”

“Well, yes actually,” she admitted. “Luna would know more about—”

“Then how would you like to come with me?” The Doctor grinned broadly. Celestia, however, only blinked a couple of times in surprise, her mouth hanging open slightly.

“H-how can you expect me to abandon my throne just for an adventure? I will not shirk my duty.”

“Nor am I asking you to,” the Doctor said, with a small shake of his head. “The thing about time machines is that we can go off and have a thousand-year adventure, and you’ll be back just by next morning. Or even five minutes from now. Does that sound fun?”

Celestia was very sorely tempted to take this offer up. So sorely tempted, in fact, that she did take the offer up.

“I think I can come along,” she said.

“Fan-tas-tic!” the Doctor said, leaping to his hooves and cantering out of the restaurant. “Follow me, Princess.”

“But the check—”

“Paid in advance,” the Doctor said, waving off the protestation. “Come on, now! We have adventures to go on!”

Celestia, feeling confused but amused by this strange being, just followed him as he led her into an alleyway in Canterlot that contained a strange, blue box as tall as her, were she standing on her hind legs.

“This,” the Doctor said with a flourish, “is my TARDIS. Now, if you’ll step inside, we’ll be off.”

He opened the door, letting Celestia step inside. She had seen many strange things in her time. As such, the revelation of all the technology inside, not to mention the fact that it was bigger on the inside only made her hum in amazement.

“What a beautiful ship, Doctor,” she said, noting especially the stunning glass sculpting of the center tubes and the metal supports in the hexagon-shaped room..

“Oh, you think she’s beautiful now, just wait till the day where I let you pilot her. She can be a real bitch sometimes.” The Doctor paused, then leaned his head down to the console and crooned, “I only say that because I love you, darling.”

“Yes, well,” Celestia said, “adventures?”

“Oh, right!” The Doctor sprang up, twisted and turned various wheels, pressed a good amount of buttons, and generally whirled about the console like a madman. Finally, with a cry of “Geronimo!” he threw a lever. The whole ship shook precariously, and a strange whirring sound sounded.

Five minutes later, a blue light flashed in that same alleyway, accompanied by the same whirring noise. A moment later, the TARDIS sort of faded into existence, looking none the worse for the wear. The door opened, and the Doctor and Princess Celestia fell out of the TARDIS, laughing wildly.

“Well, wasn’t that such an amazing adventure,” the Doctor remarked, chuckling somewhat. “I had quite forgotten how good of impersonators Zygons could be.”

“”Yes, well,” Princess Celestia said, straightening up and shuffling her wings, “it has been wonderful traveling with you, Doctor.”

“My pleasure, Princess,” the Doctor said. Suddenly, his smile faded, and he looked down at his hooves. “You know, I’m quite amazed I managed to get three hundred years of traveling on this one body. Might be wearing a bit thin, if you ask me,”

“Are you…” she asked, suddenly very concerned. She had learned about the process, and now it seemed he was going to be gone forever...

“Yes, I’m regenerating,” the Doctor said. “Shame, really. I like this version of me. But the end comes for us all, I suppose. Some just take longer than others to get there.”

“Even for us immortals?” Celestia asked.

“That I can’t answer, Princess. But still,” he winked, “if ever you want to go on any more adventures, you know how to call me.”

“I certainly do,” Celestia said, dipping her head. “Good luck, Doctor.”

“And you as well, Princess.”

The stallion started to trot back toward the door of the TARDIS, but he stopped.

“You know, it just suddenly hit me.”

“What did?” Celestia asked, confused.

“You’re the first companion I ever had who didn’t comment that my TARDIS was bigger on the inside in some way. My old impossible girl did it in reverse, you see. Oh, that’ll just make me miss you even more, Celestia.”

“It’s not like I won’t be able to contact you, though.”

“No, no, it’s not,” the Doctor concurred, looking down at his hooves again, which had started to give off a faint yellow sheen. “Well, time to go, I’m afraid. I don’t wanna go, but sometimes, change is for the better.”

“Goodbye, Doctor,” Celestia said, leaning in and giving the Doctor a very loving nuzzle. “It has been an honor to be your companion.”

“The honor was all mine, having the great Princess of the Sun along,” the Doctor replied modestly. “Well, you need to be getting back to your sister. It’s been a few hundred years since you last saw her, hasn’t it?”

“You’re right, I should be getting back. Thank you, Doctor. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, anytime,” the Doctor said, waving as Princess Celestia trotted off. As soon as she was out of sight, the Doctor stumbled back inside the TARDIS with a great groan, the doors automatically swinging shut behind him.

“Wonder who I’m going to be this time,” he thought aloud. “Or If I’m still going to be a pony. I rather like being a pony.”

A tremor racked his system and he doubled over, onto one of the guard rails.

“Well,” he said, straightening up, “only one way to find out. ALLONSY!”

And with an explosive burst of energy, the Doctor began his transformation.

The light spilled out of the windows, illuminating the alley the TARDIS was in, but Celestia saw none of it. She was too buy trotting up the High Street toward Canterlot Castle, thinking about the many adventures she’d had.

About the time where she’d visited the planet Barcelona, the time she had been there to stop a Cyberpony invasion, there had even been that strange goopy Smooze thing, which was really just a Nestene Consciousness in disguise. So many wonderful adventures…

So lost in her thoughts was she, that she stumbled by Luna’s room without even giving her and Deadpool so much as a glance.

“Sister?” Luna called after a moment, poking her head out of her room as Deadpool erected a dispenser. Celestia turned her head to give her a glance, “How was the date? Was it good?”

“It was fan-tas-tic,” Celestia breathed, smiling that at least one of her dates had gone well. Luna smiled too, happy that her sister was happy.

“You owe me thirty bits,” Deadpool said as Luna picked up her controller. “I told you she was going to go with the Doctor on the TARDIS.”

“Shut up and build a sentry,” she snapped, picking up her controller and continuing their round of an extremely addictive internet game involving hats and copious amounts of bloodshed.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the artfully skilled Rytex. Go check his stories out such as Starbound if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 21: Eight Ways To Wrong

“Hmmm…” Celestia hummed under her breath.

Her date looked up from his meal, swallowing the last bits of his food. “Something the matter, princess?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s just that you look a bit weird compared to most of my other dates.” Celestia blushed and shook her head, holding up a hoof. “Not weird in a bad sort of way, no, I mean weird as in… well, you just look it.”

“Really now? I would have thought my appearance would be normal compared to most of the other immortals you have dated.”

Celestia giggled. “Perhaps if you lost some limbs, maybe.”

Sleipnir stared at his hooves, the four currently above the table, while the other four rested below in his seat. Chuckling, he nodded. “Well, I suppose having extra limbs on anything would make it appear weird, wouldn’t it?”

His smile was so easy-going, Celestia couldn’t help but join in. Everything about him breathed, exhaled, and even guzzled down stallion. From his rugged good looks, chiseled jaw, impeccable smile, shining blue eyes like pools of crystal found in the highest mountain tops, exceptionally muscled body, and even his light grey coat with its healthy sheen, everything about him was simply perfect. Well, except for the extra limbs part, but Celestia herself had extra limbs in the form of wings, so she could move past that.

“Still, I like my date to be a little weird. Well, not weird in the sense I’d get beaten to a pulp, but a little weirdness never kills somepony.” Celestia rolled her eyes and muttered, “Usually.”

“Well, princess, I must say, thus far this date has been simply delightful,” Sleipnir said, resting one of his numerous hooves atop her own. “You’re quite the interesting pony.”

Celestia blushed, a shiver of anticipation passing up her spine when Sleipnir touched her. “Oh please, you don’t have to call me princess. That is simply my title. If we are to become more suited with one another, then call me Celestia.”

“Celestia,” Sleipnir whispered, tasting the name on his tongue. “What a beautiful name it is. Of course, such an amazing name is befitting for such a wondrous beauty such as yourself.”

“Oh, I bet you say that to all the mares.” Celestia’s face was practically on fire, and bits of her mane started to spark embers as well.

“Sadly, no. In my homeland, there are no mares. Well, at least ones that I’m interested in on an intellectual level.” Sleipnir smirked and winked. “Though, there sure are a bunch of asses, I’ll give you that much.”

Both of the equines laughed, their hearty mirth bringing good tidings to their date. They kept on talking, laughter emanating from their table all throughout the date. Before either knew it, it was already past ten, but they still hadn’t stopped talking to one another.

“Oh, my, my, look how the time rolls by,” Celestia said, glancing up at the clock. “Already ten.”

Sleipnir nearly spit out his drink, his eyes shooting wide open. “Wait, did you say ten?”

Celestia arched a brow. “Yes. Actually, it’s a quarter after. Why do you ask?”

“Oh no,” Sleipnir whispered. He got out of his seat, all eight hooves stomping anxiously on the floor. “I need to go, now!”

“Wait, why do you need to be home right now? We can continue the date with a walk down the park if you want.”

Sleipnir merely shook his head, his mane coated in sweat. “No, that can’t work, I was supposed to be home nearly half an hour ago!”

Celestia’s brows furrowed. “Oh really now? Do you have to be home because of your wife?”

Sleipnir blinked, tilting his head at her. “Wife? I don’t have a wife. I’m not even married.”

Celestia was on him in an instant, shoving an accusing hoof right in his face. “Don’t lie to me! It’s always the same with you immortals, and in the end, I’m usually footed the bill as the troublesome mistress that gets her ass handed to her by pissed off wife!”

“Listen, Celestia,” Sleipnir said, pushing her hoof out of his face, “I don’t have a wife, but I really need to go now. If I don’t, then there’s no telling what she’d do.”

“If you’re running back home because of a she, then why isn’t it your wife?” Celestia asked.

Sleipnir’s ears drooped downward, and he let out a deep sigh. “Well, it’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but…”

Just then, a small cloud of purple smoke appeared next to the two. Once the smoke had dissipated and the duo was done with their coughing, a figure approached the two, one who Sleipnir knew all too well, along with Celestia as well.

“Loki?” Celestia asked. “You look… different.”

“Hello, mother,” Sleipnir said sheepishly, head downcast.

Loki shook her head and approached Sleipnir. The god Celestia was familiar with before had a drastic change about. First off, Loki was now a goddess, obvious from her very feminine appearance, along with the fact she was perhaps one of the most beautiful mares Celestia had ever seen. Everything about her cast a lady-like grace with beauty so shining that even the stars seemed dull in comparison. She still had on much of her original human outfit, such as the golden horns and green jacket, but now took on the body of a light blue colored coated mare with a sleek black mane.

“Sleipnir, this is the third time you’ve broken your curfew this month, mister,” Loki said with a disappointed frown clear on her face. She grabbed Sleipnir’s right ear and pulled it down, causing Sleipnir to cry out in a very girlish scream. “You know what that means.”

“But mother, please, I can explain!” Sleipnir shouted, his ear on fire.

“Butts are for sitting, mister, not for making excuses. You’re grounded for the next two weeks!”

“Mother, that isn’t fair!”

Loki rolled her eyes and tugged her son along by his ear. “Get used to it, Sleipnir, because that’s how the world works. Now come on, you have to go with your grandpa in the morning to Hel and back, and I know you’ll make the journey more difficult for him if you don’t get your proper rest. Now, say goodbye to your little friend.”

“Good—ow, watch it—bye, Celestia!” Sleipnir yelled, waving four of his hooves as his mother dragged him away.

Celestia stood there in what could be considered the definition of awkwardness, just waving her hoof farewell while trying her best to smile. Once Sleipnir along with Loki had departed the restaurant, Celestia sighed.

“Damn, why are the good ones always momma's boys? Or gay? Or both?” She scowled, rubbing her temple, until a large blush appeared on her cheeks. “Also, double damn, I went on a date with a MILF and I didn’t even know it! Why do these things always happen to me?”

Guest Chapter: What A Pig (Razalon The Lizardman)

Celestia had been on a plethora of dates with immortals, and had met a plethora of different types of them as a result. Everything from gods of the afterlife, to space-time travelers, to beasts, and her least favorite of all, the dreaded Chaos Gods. Her experiences with these dates had just as much variety as they themselves were as well, from general insanity, to heartbreak, to shock and horror, and even death and resurrection.

But never, on any of her dates, had she felt absolute terror like she was feeling right now.

Princess Celestia trotted along a dark blue and purple pathway inside an underground cave system, splotches of glowing... something, littering the ground all along her route. She’d been told to come to her date’s native dimension and into this very cave system to meet him. From his profile, in spite of a (in her opinion) childish sense of humor, he sounded like a nice enough guy, which is why it struck her as odd that he’d choose to hang out somewhere as creepy as this place.

No, scratch that; the cave was more than just creepy. A whole lot more.

A deep, foreboding feeling burrowed its way into Celestia’s brain, wrapping around her psyche and holding it in a vice-like grip, and yet she had no idea why she felt this way. Sure, the cave was dark, weird, and a booming sound similar to thunder went off every once in a while, but that was stuff she’d learned to cope with since fillyhood. The feeling she felt as her stomach twisted into knots and sweat poured down her brow was something else entirely.

The cave just felt... wrong, to her, like there was something about it that should’ve been impossible and yet it wasn’t.

Discord, Apep, Cthulhu, and all the other Chaos Gods are definitely preferable to this place, she decided, yet continued on regardless, not wanting to disappoint her date.

After some time of traversing the caverns, all the while taking care not to step in the enigmatic substance littering the ground, she finally came across something unusual.

Resting at the top of a rock formation, a ladder running up the side for non-flyers, was a metallic, spherical capsule. It was slightly taller than her and—upon coming in for a closer look—Celestia noticed the object had a porthole window built into the front, underneath of which was a marking shaped like a pig’s snout.

It was this last detail that piqued her curiosity, as it seemed familiar to her somehow. After pondering it for a few moments, her eyes shot open when she remembered her date’s name.

Can it be?

Acting on a hunch, the solar alicorn quickly charged up her horn and, in a bright flash, reappeared inside the device. She immediately found herself face to face with a small, pudgy old man with faded blonde hair, wearing suspenders and with a face that reminded her of a pig’s muzzle. He sat inside a spider-like mech which was hooked up to a power cable that ran into a number of other devices, one of which being a highly sophisticated laptop.

The man grinned. “How nice to finally meet you, Princess Celestia,” he greeted in a hoarse voice, authenticating his ancient appearance. “It truly is an honor.” He coughed and then gasped for several moments after saying his fill.

Celestia flinched in response to his coughing fit, which resulted in her banging her head against the ceiling. Wincing at the pain for a moment, Celestia quickly realized just how cramped things were inside the capsule. Even without the addition of herself, the interior was already occupied fairly well by her date and his machines; she had to sit on her haunches and position her legs onto either side of the spider mech in order to fit comfortably.

“Are you Porky Minch?” Celestia asked once she’d made herself comfortable.

“Yes, that is me,” he replied with a slightly devious smirk and further coughing. “And this is my home.”

Celestia stared blankly at him for a moment before realizing he was referring to the capsule, to which she arched an eyebrow in confusion. “You live inside this?”

“It’s called the Absolutely Safe Capsule,” Porky clarified. His smirk fell away into a grim line as he continued. “It was built by some... old friends, I guess you could say.”

Celestia tilted her head. “An ‘Absolutely Safe Capsule’ you say?” she asked. “Does such a thing exist?”

Porky’s grin returned in full force. “It does exist, princess, and I live in it!” Porky then proceeded to let out an almost maniacal laugh which made Celestia attempt to back away from him out of fear, only to be met with the capsule’s cold metal wall. Porky continued laughing until he was cut off by another coughing fit, at which point he laid back on the spider mech to rest.

“So,” Celestia started, not sure if now was an appropriate time to speak, but decided to chance it anyways, “why must our date be set inside your Absolutely Safe Capsule? I mean, no offense, of course, but it is rather compact in here.” To demonstrate her point, Celestia attempted to unfold her wings to their largest span, only to be halted by the capsule’s walls halfway through.

Porky lightly chuckled. “Well, princess,” he sat up and stared at the white alicorn with a sinister gaze that sent chills down her spine, “that’s because I can’t leave.”

Celestia stared confused, to which Porky proceeded to explain.

“The Absolutely Safe Capsule is truly a piece of brilliance. It protects whatever is inside from every manner of damage conceivable. It’s been bombarded by lava flows, earthquakes, even a starstorm or two, and still it remains in perfect condition. But this protection is twofold, for once the Absolutely Safe Capsule closes it can never be reopened, to which whatever is inside can never do harm unto the outside world.”

Celestia stared wide-eyed at Porky, her jaw hanging unhinged. “You mean...” she started, struggling to form words, “you’re trapped in here forever? Why would you subject yourself to eternal isolation?”

Porky chuckled again. “I‘ll admit to being rather hasty in using the Absolutely Safe Capsule without knowing I’d never be able to leave it, but,” he leaned back again and stared up at the ceiling idly, as if reminiscing, “I couldn’t have asked for a better fate.”

Hearing that boggled Celestia’s mind. Just who is this man? she thought.

Celestia was tempted to just call off the date and teleport out of the capsule right then and there, but a growing curiosity within her brain kept her rooted to the spot as she tried to make sense of Porky’s statements.

“I suppose we should start this date in earnest,” Porky suddenly said, snapping Celestia from her thoughts. “Although, I must admit ignorance as to how these are usually conducted.”

Celestia arched an eyebrow. “You’ve never been on a date before?”

Porky shook his head. “Truth be told I’m quite ignorant for my age, which I don’t even know myself.” He burst into another coughing fit.

Celestia blinked. Then she adopted a curious expression before saying, “How about we start things off by getting to know each other, as that’s how dates typically start out?”

Porky smiled and returned her gaze. “Very well, princess.”

And so the two spent the next couple of hours exchanging anecdotes about each other’s past experiences, their hobbies, favorite foods (and other random trivia), and general outlook on life.

Celestia was initially appalled to learn that Porky had betrayed humanity and sided with Giygas, an alien being set on plunging the whole universe into eternal darkness, deeming all living things to be ‘the garbage of the universe’. It wasn’t until he went back even further and explained his early childhood that Celestia realized exactly why Porky was such a misanthrope. Both he and his younger brother Picky were horribly abused by their parents Lardna and Aloysius, who also held a deep resentment for the family next door for some reason involving money, but Celestia didn’t pay attention to the specifics. She was particularly interested to learn that Porky held this family’s son, named Ness, in good regards and, despite having fought directly against him alongside Giygas still considered Ness to be a good friend.

Continuing on, she learned that Porky had ended up inside the Absolutely Safe Capsule as the result of a foiled attempt to end the world using the ‘dark dragon’, so as to rid the earth of everyone who wouldn’t like him. It ultimately hadn’t been necessary, however, for Porky came to appreciate the total isolation afforded to him by being stuck inside the capsule. Though he would spend the rest of eternity sealed inside, at least he could be happy all the while.

When Celestia had asked Porky why he wanted a date if he was so content to spend eternity alone, he replied by stating he’d ‘grown bored of playing Mother’ and took to browsing the dimension-wide interwebs looking for something else to do to pass eternity by. Eventually he came across notforeveralone.com and figured it might be fun to try his luck with the ladies.

He really is still a child at heart, Celestia mused upon hearing his answer.

Eventually they finished talking, by which time all the previous nervousness and uncertainty Celestia had felt towards Porky was replaced with genuine sorrow.

“So, what happens now?” Porky asked, immediately going into another coughing fit.

“Actually, Porky,” Celestia replied, pursing her lips, “I think it’d be better if I left now.”

Celestia held her breath in anticipation of verbal backlash. She was pleasantly surprised, however, when Porky merely tilted his head in confusion. Letting out her breath, Celestia proceeded to explain.

“It’s not that I don’t like you as a person. I can look past everything you’ve done and accept you for the unfortunate soul that you are, but only to the extent of friendship. I’ll admit you are charming in your own way, but I’m looking for someone with more maturity than you to get romantically involved with.” She smiled warmly. “If you want, however, I’d be more than happy to take you with me back to Equestria. You could be free of the confines of this capsule and live in a world where people would be accepting of you. Regardless of your choice, however, I will respect your wishes.”

Porky stared back at her for a long while, clearly spaced out as he thought hard about the offer he was being given. Celestia waited patiently for his answer while he did so, all the while lamenting the loss of yet another guest room at the castle if he accepted her offer.

Eventually, Porky replied with, “Could I rebuild my empire of New Pork City?”

Celestia pursed her lips. “That... might be asking too much.”

Porky huffed and laid back down. “Then I’ll stay here.”

Celestia smiled wryly before leaning over and kissing Porky’s forehead, causing the ancient little scamp to blush profusely.

“If you ever change your mind,” Celestia said softly, “you know how to contact me.”

She charged up her horn and teleported out of the Absolutely Safe Capsule in another bright flash. No sooner had she left then Porky smiled, his cheeks still bright red.

“She digs me.”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the ridiculous reptilian Razalon The Lizardman. Go check his stories out, such as Malefic Bonds if you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest Chapter: Fully Functional... (Tatsurou)

Celestia stared across the table at her date, idly twisting the wine glass she had brought with her in her magical grip. She had also brought the wine bottle with her, as the establishment her date had selected didn’t serve alcohol. Given her track record, she thought it prudent to have some available, just in case.

Her date was very different from any of the other immortals she had met. For one thing, he had no aura of power as the others had, be they supernatural being or god. In point of fact, she couldn’t sense any form of energy from him at all, although his eyes did show a spark of life... of sorts. The most unusual—and somewhat unnerving—thing about him was that everything about his coloration seemed somewhat... artificial. He was humanoid, like most of the immortals she had met, although he didn’t seem quite human.

She finally decided to break the ice. “So, Mr... Data, if I may be so bold to ask, why did you choose Sugarcube Corner for our date? It hardly seems the most... intimate or romantic setting.”

Data nodded. “True. But that is exactly why I chose it.”

Celestia’s eyes widened in response. “Do you mean to tell me you have no interest in romance or the more... intimate pursuits?”

“Not at all,” Data countered. “However, my own experience has shown me that any relationship of that sort that does not begin with friendship and mutual understanding is doomed to fall apart over time. So I thought it best to begin in a less formal, more casual setting, so we could get to know each other and possibly be friends.”

Celestia couldn’t help but smile. “That sounds like a wonderful sentiment and reasoning,” she said warmly.

“Indeed, Princess—”

“Celestia,” she interrupted. “If we are to be friends, we shouldn’t be so formal, should we?”

Data smiled. “You are correct. In that case, just call me Data.”

The solar alicorn tilted her head thoughtfully. “Is that your first name or your last name?”

Data frowned. “It is my only name. Although…” He thought for a time. “I suppose it would be appropriate to go by Data Soong.”

Celestia pondered why he would put it that way, but chose not to inquire at this point. “So tell me, Data, how did you come to use this dating site? And how is it you come to Equestria? You seem to lack the usual abilities most immortals possess for such journeys.”

Data sighed. “Well, I suppose it begins with when I died.”

Celestia nearly dropped her wine glass. “I beg your pardon?”

“It was a long time ago, I believe several centuries, I am unable to determine exactly. I was a member of a starship crew, and we encountered a... situation. The warship Scimitar was powered by theralon radiation, which could be used to wipe out all life on an entire planet. I managed to save my captain and best friend, and set off the self destruct to destroy the ship, saving all that the Scimitar’s captain sought to destroy. However, my body was torn apart as well.”

Celestia nodded, respecting the noble sacrifice. “But... how did you survive?”

Data smiled. “Some time prior, I had managed to befriend a higher-dimensional being of immense power. Seeing what I had done, he felt that reality was poorer without me, so he used his abilities to reconstruct me. However, Q has always had a mischievous streak to him, so he—”

“Did you say Q?” Celestia asked sharply. “Somewhat taller than you, wears a similar uniform but in red, makes things happen by snapping his fingers.” Her horn glowed as she focused her magic. “Sounds like this?” she finished in a perfect imitation of Q’s voice.

“Indeed,” Data replied. “Do you know him?”

“I met him through the site as well,” she grumbled, popping the cork from the wine bottle and pouring herself a glass. “I was right that I would need this,” she said, downing the glass in one gulp before pouring herself another.

“Have I said something to upset you?” Data asked in concern.

Celestia sighed. “No offense to you, Data, but I’ve learned that any friend of Q’s—or Discord, or anyone else from that bloody fraternity—is a chaotic nightmare, and the dates always end horribly.” She started to lift her glass.

Data placed a finger on the rim of the glass, stopping its movement. “I well understand your concern,” Data offered comfortingly. “While I consider Q a friend, I well understand how... difficult he can be. In point of fact, I befriended him because those of his kind felt he had gone too far in his behavior.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “His kind?”

Data nodded. “Q is a member of a group of higher-dimensional being who call themselves The Continuum. Q’s unruly, chaotic, and mischievously cruel behavior had displeased the Continuum, and as punishment they rendered him mortal. I was the one who tended to him while he adjusted, taught him how to handle the human experience, and helped him through the more harrowing aspects, such as eating and the end results thereof.”

Celestia snorted. “You potty trained him?”

“In essence,” Data confirmed. “Later, he was going to sacrifice himself for the good of the ship and crew, and that got him reinstated in the Continuum. He chose to remember me as a friend. At the time, he gave me a gift of great value, one I would not understand for some time.”

“Really? What did he give you, if I may ask?”

“A laugh.”

Celestia sat in silence as Pinkie Pie swooped in with two super-duper-extra-chocoholic-sundaes, giggling quietly as she glanced between them before zipping away. Finally, Celestia found her voice. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“At the time, I lacked my emotion chip—”

“Your what?”

Data sighed. “I see. It appears I am closer to my lifelong goal than I had thought.” He took a bite of his ice cream. “Celestia, I am an android, an artificial life form created to mimic humans. My positronic brain is fully capable of creating my own thoughts, feelings—now that I have my emotion chip that enables that functionality—and desires. In essence, I am an artificial man.”

Celestia blinked. Now she understood why she had sensed...nothing from him earlier. She sighed. “You mentioned your lifelong goal?”

“To be human.”

Celestia chuckled. “Ponycchio, much?”

Data smiled. “In human fables, the character was called Pinocchio. I imagine the story is likely much the same.”

“Probably,” Celestia admitted. She began to eat her ice cream. “So you were built to... imitate life?” she asked.

Data shrugged. “My father, Dr. Soong, told me he built me because he could, because it was part of who he was to do so. My design allowed for me to grow and evolve, and I have sought to be as human as I can be. However, there has been one concern I have in my quest, after all these centuries…”

The android fell silent for a time. Celestia spoke up. “Yes?”

“I have long pondered that if I, as an artificial life form... have a soul.”

Celestia felt her heart flutter at the sincere admission, the dilemma that had haunted the being before her for so long. She felt moved to speak. “Data, I cannot pretend to know the answer to that question, only my own beliefs. But…” She extended a hoof, resting it on his hand, feeling the pulse of electrical current through his servos, a much quieter flow of energy that was so similar to the feeling of life. “Data, I have listened to you talk, observed you, and read your profile, and everything I’ve seen tells me you are a kind, gentle, considerate, and caring individual, with a great deal of amassed experience and wisdom. I know not what others might think, but in my opinion, if you do not have a soul, then no one does.”

Data was silent and still for a time. Then his hand turned over, so he held her hoof in his palm. He looked up at her with a somewhat teary eyed smile. “Thank you, Celestia.”

Celestia smiled in return, and they both turned back to their ice cream. After a time, though Celestia sighed. “I imagine we can be quite good friends,” she said, her voice tinged with disappointment.

Data raised an eyebrow. “You seem distressed. May I ask why?”

Celestia sighed once more. “Well, you are a great guy, the sort I would happily pursue a fuller relationship with. You might not have a beard, but—”

“I could grow one, if you wish,” he suggested. “I did once, when one of my comrades mentioned women liked a man with a beard, back when I was first learning about social interactions.”

The Princess of the Sun couldn’t help but chuckle as she found herself comparing what he just said to her own former student’s early studies, and the mental image of asking Twilight to cast a beard spell on her date. “Yes, well, as much as I am sure I would enjoy pursuing such a relationship, there is a certain form of companionship I would yearn for that... I’m unsure you are capable of providing.” She levitated the last bite of her ice cream into her mouth, holding the spoon suspended over the bowl as she savored it.

“If you are referring to sexual activities,” Data intuited, “then I am fully functional, and versed in multiple techniques.”

The spoon dropped from Celestia’s grip with a clatter. “...Really?” she asked archly. “And I presume these techniques are adapted for humanoid partners?”

“They are.”

She tilted her head in thought. “And... how many of those techniques could be adapted to my equine physiology?”

Data pondered this for a time. “I am unsure.” He tilted his head at her, then smiled rakishly. “However, if you are open to experimentation, I would be pleased to find out.”

Celestia found herself blushing brightly. “Check please!” she called to Pinkie Pie.

Celestia finally managed to drag herself away from the bed through sheer force of will. Turning back to her companion, she forced herself to do one of the most difficult thing she had ever done in her life. “I’m sorry, Data, but I don’t think it can work out between us.”

Data watched her carefully in concern. “Why? Have I upset you? Injured you?”

She quickly waved a hoof. “No Data, nothing like that. You’ve been just perfect. And that’s the problem.” She sighed. “I’ve loved the time we’ve spent together, and it has been just wonderful, but I can’t resist you, Data. You are insatiable... but I have a country to run! If we did take this to a more permanent level, I’d likely never leave the bedroom!” She sighed sadly. “I’m really sorry to have to say this, but it’s not you, it’s me. I’m too weak of will to be with you.” She lowered her head, blushing. “It’s taking all I have to say this and not jump back into bed with you, although the near absolute exhaustion helps there.”

Data smiled somewhat sadly. “I understand, Celestia. You have a stern duty you must see to, and that duty comes first. I understand duty quite well; when I was in Star Fleet, it was the focus of much of my existence. However, I hope we can remain friends.”

Celestia smiled. “Always, Data.”

Returning the smile with more warmth, Data embraced Celestia one last time. He then got to his feet and reached for his clothes. As he picked them up, he spoke up. “I actually had another blind date from the site here in Equestria, which I believe I am quite late for. If it isn’t inappropriate to ask, perhaps you might aid me in locating my new date, and in explaining my tardiness?”

Celestia chuckled. “Of course, Data. I’d be happy to help my friend.” She shakily got to her hooves. “What’s her name?”

“Luna.” Data glanced over, seeing Celestia’s frozen expression. “Is she an acquaintance of yours? I understand that might be awkward.”

As Celestia stared at him in shock, her bedroom door suddenly burst open.

“There you are, sister!” Luna proclaimed. “I’ve been worried sick about you! Your last date was three weeks ago—”

That long? Celestia thought in astonishment. Well, damn. I’ve got more stamina than I thought.

“—and I haven’t heard from you since!” Luna sniffed the air, and her nose wrinkled. “Have you been in here all this time?” she asked in shock. Then her eyes landed on Data’s still nude form. “Though I can see why,” she breathed.

Celestia’s temperament soured. “Luna, my date who didn’t quite work out, Commander Data. Data, this is Princess Luna... my little sister.”

Data blinked. “I see.” He awkwardly cleared his throat, despite the absence of a blockage. “My apologies for my lateness, Princess—”

“Get yourself to my bedroom, then,” Luna interrupted, “and you’ll soon be calling me something very different.”

“Luna!” Celestia gasped in shock.

“What? You aren’t the only one who’s been without for a long time.” Luna turned back to Data. “And just look at him!” She licked her lips in anticipation.

Celestia groaned, burying her face in her pillow. “Why me?” she muttered under her breath.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the terrific typist of tremendous truth himself, Tatsurou. Go check his stories out, such as The Perfect Match if you enjoyed this chapter!

Dear god, you guys really are stretching that teen rating to its limit, aren't ya?

Chapter 22: A Ship That Needs Sailing

“Sister, sister, come quick!”

Celestia lifted up her head from her pillow, bleary-eyed with her mane suffering a deadly pox of bedhead.

“Luna, you’re already in my room,” she muttered, a yawn promptly cracking her jaws. “Plus, it’s the morning. The meaning of the word quick doesn’t even come into effect until at least noon.”

Luna turned around in her swivel chair and pointed both hooves at her screen. “But Tia, look, it has to do with your next date!”

“Can’t I just call it quits and become a crazy catmare like society expects me to?” Celestia asked.

Luna got out of her chair and dragged Celestia out of her bed against her sister’s protests. “Screw what society expects, do what it’ll never see coming!”

Slumping into her chair, Celestia blinked rapidly as her eyes adjusted to the brightness of the computer screen. “But aren’t going on all these asinine dates exactly what society expects of me?”

“Society is an asshole, dear sister,” Luna said, hopping into a chair next to Celestia. “Which means you needn’t lower yourself to its levels.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and groaned, her head meeting the table in the defeat of a futile attempt at staying awake. “I’ll lower myself to any level just to shut you up and get some sleep.”

“I’ll remember that, sister, but first, this!”

Celestia parted open one lid and scanned the computer screen.

“Luna, what type of porn are you watching?”

Luna’s face broke into a blush that turned her entire face redder than one of Celestia’s bloody marys that she was particular to. “Whoops, clicked the wrong window.” A new window popped up, back to the much dreaded webpage of notforeveralone.com. “Check it out!”

“My newest failure of a date?” Celestia guessed, not even bothered to glance at the screen.

Luna picked up Celestia’s head and practically forced her cheek against the screen’s surface. “Oh no, sister, this won’t be a failure, not by a longshot!”

“Luna, personal space, like I taught you.” Pushing away Luna’s hooves, Celestia furrowed her brows and squinted as her eyes adjusted to the screen’s light. Slowly, she could make out the profile of her date. “Wait, this is what you wanted me to see?”

“Indeed.” Luna crossed her forelegs together and smirked self-satisfactorily. “I just knew you’d want a peek at it before your date begins tonight.”

“Well, without a profile picture, it doesn’t give me much to peek at,” Celestia said. She tapped the screen. “Plus, almost all the bio is left blank. Heck, I don’t even know if this is his real name, let alone title.”

Luna sighed, ears drooping downward. “You know, Tia, you really know how to be a buzzkill. Did you even bother reading more of his bio?”

Huffing under her breath, Celestia started examining more of her future’s dates likes, interests, and other dubious information he filled in. The further Celestia read, the more a red color appear in her cheeks, and the wider her eyes grew. Soon enough, a noticeable sweat appeared on her brow, followed by her licking her dry lips.

“Wow… oh wow, I just… wow.”

Luna nudged Celestia’s side with an elbow and winked. “What did I tell you? This guy puts anyone else on this site to shame.”

Celestia arched a brow as she continued inspecting her potential suitor. “How do I even know half of this stuff is real? Because as of right now, it’s looking pretty unreal to me. No way someone could do that and still be able to walk again. It just isn’t physically possible!”

“Just look at his past dates,” Luna said, pointing to her upcoming date’s history. A plethora of females, males, and even the third, fourth, and fifteenth gender had left flowering remarks about her date, each one generally positive and filled with praise. “This guy is definitely legit.”

“And I’m having a date with him tonight?” Celestia asked, bullets rolling down the back of her neck.

“You sure do,” Luna whispered in her sister’s ear. “Eight o’clock sharp, the new swanky restaurant that just opened up and hasn’t been destroyed because of you.”

“Hmmm…” Celestia smirked, her exhaustion from earlier before replaced with eager excitedness. “Well, this will definitely be an interesting evening, perhaps even more so than the typical date I go on. Plus, I’ve always wanted to date a captain!”

Author's Notes:

Chapter 23: O Captain! My Captain!

Celestia stood before the doors of the restaurant, her hearting beating a mile a minute while fluttering inside her chest. Just previously she had been busy binging on the various exploits her future date had enacted on the variety of immortals using the website, and while she hated to admit it, Celestia was nervous. Not anxious about whether she’d receive grievous injuries on the date, not dreading the impractical and often times asinine reasons her night goes wrong, and not even being apprehensive about whether her date was a genocide enacting monster or a mad whacko. No, all her emotions boiled down to butterflies in her stomach that threatened to pop out of her mouth at any moment.

Holding a hoof on the door’s handle, Celestia breathed in and out deeply, hyping herself up. “Okay, Celestia, you can do this. It’s not different than any other date you’ve been on. Other than the fact that this guy has put even numerous sex gods to shame.” She shivered, the words of lustful pride scrolling down the screen returning to her mind, making a hot sweat streak down the back of her neck. “Just act natural.”

With that in mind, Celestia entered the dining establishment. It was a more swanky place than she was normally accustomed to, her usual dining experience being typical restaurants or bars that her date could afford to take her out to. After all, it was only customary that the person asking her out would have to pay. But from the looks of the modern and quite expensive decor and furniture to the exquisite looking and smelling food being carried out of the kitchen, she could already tell that this place was all money. And so was her date, apparently, if he could afford a table without a reservation.

Walking up to the hostess, Celestia asked, “Excuse me, miss, I’m here on a blind date. Do you happen to have seen any strange looking creature book a table for two?”

The mare looked up from her seating schedule and frowned. “Oh, yeah, you must be her. Lucky you.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Rolling her eyes, the hostess leaned over her table and whispered, “If I were you, I’d hightail it out of here as soon as I can.”

Celestia arched a brow, leaning closer. “Why is that?”

“Well, for starters, your date has hit on every waitress that happens to pass by his table.” The hostess scrunched up her face to a grimace, though Celestia noticed there was a tinge of red on her cheeks. “I mean, sure, he’s cute and all, but the nerve! And when he has a date, too!”

“Well, if you were to direct me to where he was sitting, I’d be sure to—”

“He doesn’t even stop there! Any couple that passes by he hits on, whether the mare is with friends, family, or on a date herself.” The hostess’ cheeks were aflame now, the mare using a menu to fan herself. “I can tell you right now, your highness, he’s nothing more than a pig. A handsome, dashing, robust, raucous, tantalizing—”

“Please, miss, I think I got your point,” Celestia interrupted. “Just show me where his table is. I can figure it out from there.”

The hostess shrugged, grabbing and menu and leading Celestia to her table. “If you’re into marekillers, this is your guy is all I can say.”

Walking past dozens of tables, Celestia noticed the same pattern. Mares all looking or trying to take a peek with furtive looks and deep blushes on their cheeks, all in the same direction as well. Heck, even a few stallions were enamoured with the figure sitting at the dining table up ahead. Finally getting a good look at him, Celestia gulped, a hesitant pause to her step preventing her from carrying on further.

“Your majesty, this is your table,” the hostess said, setting her menu down opposite her date, who was currently hidden behind his own.

He lifted up his pinkie finger to the mare, muttering, “Thanks, love.”

“Creep,” the hostess replied, turning away before he could catch the redness on her face.

Celestia sat down, not bothering to pick up her menu. All her attention was focused solely on the man before her. The one of legends so great they seem like myths. He who has traveled farther than anyone else, achieved more than even the most courageous of men, and whose track record alone spoke highly of his character. Yet even here, Celestia didn’t have a clue what he looked like.

“Um, e-excuse me, Mister Captain?” Celestia asked. .

“Please, dear, call me Jack. The captain part is a title I like to throw around to impress others. But, from the looks of things, you’re already pretty enamoured, eh?”

Celestia blushed, furrowing her brows. “Wait, how did you know that?”

“The tremble note of trepidation in your voice, love.” He set down his menu, revealing a wide grin to his date. “I could catch that even with a hurricane blowing over my head.”

Celestia’s breath held still in her throat. But then it was exhaled through her nostrils the minute she laid eyes on him.

“You’re not my date.”

Her date balked at her claim. “What? Love, you must be having a heat stroke in the head or too much rum in your stomach, because I am none other than Captain Jack—”

“Harkness?” Celestia asked.

He fell silent, tapping a dirty, ring laden finger to his scraggly beard that was fashioned into two tails. “No, Sparrow. Have you not heard of me?”

“No, I was here for Captain Jack Harkness,” Celestia answered. “I know it wasn’t you, since from the stories the other immortals speak of, Harkness had a, and I quote ‘illustrious Midwest American accent that spoke of fields of golden wheat and endless summers’ while your manner of speaking is obviously different. I’ve dated enough human immortals to know that your accent is British, if a very broken and slurred variety.”

Sparrow laughed, his smokey eyes shining with a glint of glee. “Well then, my dear, allow me to introduce myself full heartedly!”

He jumped up on the table, striking a pose flooding with masculinity and an adventurous vibe that reeked of danger… or that could have just been his regular stench. Celestia noted that his dreadlocks hadn’t been washed in ages, his skin was dark due to a layer of dirt rather than a tan, his eccentric dress style composed of stitched together garments of different clothes that hadn’t been washed in ages, a dingy leather coat that looked older than himself, and finally a tricorn captain’s hat that stood proudly atop his head. “I am Captain Jack Sparrow! Pirate Lord of the Caribbean Sea, and Captain of the infamous Black Pearl!” Reaching into his jacket, Sparrow pulled out a literal ship in a bottle, the ship being one of the darkest black as it floated on a turbulent sea within the bottle’s confines. “As seen here.”

“Wait a minute… if you’re not Captain Jack Harkness, then what are you doing here then?” Celestia huffed under her breath. “Don’t tell me I got stood up again!”

“No, no, of course not, love, only a blind and deranged fool would think to pass a chance to go on a date with you.” Flopping back into his seat and lifting up a half empty rum bottle from the table, Sparrow winked. “Good thing I’m not blind, eh?”

Celestia got up from her seat, shaking her head in utter disbelief. “Wow, it’s actually happened. My date has been literally overtaken by a pirate! Are you even an immortal?”

Sparrow guzzled down his rum, smacking his lips for several seconds afterward as he swished the remaining brown liquid in his bottle. “Define ‘immortal.’”

“Can you live forever?”

Sparrow smirked, tapping a finger to his temple. “No one can live forever, love. We all gotta die sometime.”

Celestia stared at Sparrow with a deadpan expression. “You’re not immortal, are you?”

“Technically, no,” Sparrow said, pointing a finger to her. “But I was nearly successful many a time. Though most of those times had that drawback of an inconceivable consequence that did not meet the moral guidelines I set forth for myself as a pirate, thief, liar, pillager, smuggler, drinker, murderer, and most of all, connoisseur of the finer arts of rum tasting.” Sparrow finished off the last drops in his bottle, holding it up in victory at a passing waitress. “Of which this was spectacular, me darling!”

“Okay, that’s enough I needed to know,” Celestia said, turning her back to Sparrow. “This date is over before it even began. I’m not too particular to date pirates, even if they were immortal.”

Sparrow got his feet off the table and swaggered before Celestia before she could get away. “Ah, don’t be like that, love. Sure, the masses may not approve or our relationship because I’m a criminal and you’re a princess. And sure, you’re much older than me and most would think I’m a gold digger. And sure, there’s obvious proof of that when I told the restaurant to put my bill on your tab, but that shouldn’t be the reason it can’t work between us!” Sparrow teetered, snapping his fingers. “Wait, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that last part.”

“You wanted to go on a date with me only because you knew I had the money to foot the bill?” Celestia asked, practically spitting the words out.

Sparrow’s eyes glanced back and forth, until they locked onto a cart covered in cakes, treats, and tarts of various delicacies for paying customers. Looking back to Celestia, he leaned down and laid a big, wet kiss on her lips, causing her to be taken aback in pure surprise.

“M’lady, you will always remember this as the night you almost dated Captain Jack Sparrow!” And with that, Sparrow leaped on the cart, pastries falling off in great abundance. The force of his jump atop the cart caused it to careen off to the side and begin rolling forward, picking up speed as it neared the exit of the restaurant. “Avast, me hearties, for Captain Jack is heading out back!”

Celestia stood in the middle of the restaurant alone, the front doors being smashed open by Sparrow’s pastry cart as the Captain of the Caribbean made his grand escape.

“... I don’t know whether to be thankful or regretful I didn’t go out with him.”

A waitress tapped Celestia on the shoulder, handing her a bill. “Your highness, here is the amount the Captain said you’d owe after consuming all our stock of rum, along with that dessert cart.”

Looking to the bill, Celestia’s eyes went wide, and a noticeable frown appeared on her face. “Wait, no, it’s definitely thankful, mixed with regret I didn’t throw that drunken slob overboard in the middle of the ocean myself!"

Author's Notes:

Avast, me hearties, this is not the Captain you are looking for in this chapter! Aye, you'll have to wait for the true reward very soon, you salty scallywags!

Guest Chapter: Beelzebub Has A Table Set Aside For Me (71NYL-5CR4TCH)

While many of her past dates had been misanthropes, Gods of Chaos, and even immortal power-hungry super villains, she had never been on a date with anyone that was widely considered ‘pure evil’ by ordinary standards. Even the more insidious immortals she had encountered were at least kind to her, or evil to an end. She could never date somehow who was purely malicious... right?

But he was so... hot…

Celestia continued to stare at the bright screen before her, and the notforeveralone.com account of Lucifer himself stared back. His profile picture was in human form, and featured a pale but handsome man with well-styled black hair, a small goatee, and a form-fitting black and red suit.

‘I always pictured him as red and with horns...’ she thought to herself. ‘After all, he is supposedly the most evil being in the multiverse! Aren’t evil things supposed to be... ugly? But he’s not... he’s so... oh damn, this one’s shirtless and sweet, I could do laundry on those abs...’

“I’m literally about to have a one-night stand with the devil,” Celestia spoke to no-one in particular as she began replying to his message.

“I must admit Lucifer, this is a rather nice restaurant…” Celestia spoke as her eyes wandered the establishment.

“Oh, I’ve always been a sucker for sushi, and this is the best place in my home universe!” Lucifer responded, chuckling aloud. “You must try their dragon roll... oh, I’m sorry, you’re vegetarian, aren’t you?”

“Mostly yes, but I can indulge in fish occasionally,” she replied with a smile. “I must say, Lucifer, you’re quite different from what I expected you to be.”

He scoffed. “Ugh, tell me about. It’s entirely bad PR and gossip from the big man upstairs. We used to be best friends a couple thousand years ago, but ‘no, how dare you question me, I’m God, bleh, neh, neh’...” he joked with a childish voice and goofy expressions. “After our little ‘disagreement,' he told me I could have Hell and we haven’t spoken since. But he keeps trashing me behind my back.”

Celestia giggled, and then sighed. “I’m sorry to hear you lost your friend that way, but you don’t seem to upset.”

“I’m not, really. At least, not anymore. I was at first because even down in Hell I had to follow his guidelines, but after the first couple hundred years I realized he never came down to check up on things so I just started running them my way,” Lucifer clarified, before picking up his menu. “Aw, hell, I already know what I want.” He smiled, and put the menu down.

“I suppose I’ll take you up on your recommendation and have what you’re having then,” Celestia replied with a smile.

Lucifer looked up, and smirked coyly. “Well, I was also planning on getting an order of hot sake... are you sure?”

Celestia gave a grin back. “Oh, I love sake.”

“And so then I just go ‘nah, c’mon lady, eat the apple, it’s mad tasty...' and guess what?! She fuckin ate it! Right off the tree!” Lucifer laughed, slamming his sake glass down while Celestia herself hooted in laughter.

“Wait... wait, why wasn’t she supposed to eat the apple?” Celestia asked between laughs, her cheeks a bright rosy red.

“No reason! Big man just said she wasn’t supposed to!” Lucifer giggled.

“Oh man! Did she get in, like, soooooo much trouble?” Celestia asked.

Lucifer sobered up a bit, “Yeah, turns out doing that made herself and every other human mortal and damned to my place for, like, thousands of years or something crazy.”

“Oh dear,” Celestia said with a straight face. “Why did you tell her to eat the apple then?” she asked, with growing concerns.

“Well, I didn’t know! I just thought it would make God salty. I never expected him to go so overboard! It’s why I challenged him in the first place, because I thought it wasn’t fair at all…”

“Wait, that’s why you became the lord of darkness?! Because you stood up for people?” Celestia asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, it’s why its so frustrating to be seen as such a bad guy. I mean, yeah, I control Hell, which is where all the evil souls are sent, but I punish them, not reward them! At first I had to punish everyone that came my way, but when I realized God wasn’t ever around, I changed the scenery a bit. I always hated the ‘fire and brimstone’ architecture the big man made, it looks a lot more like Las Vegas now. And I only punish those who are actually evil, not everyone who doesn’t love him like he wants me too, and even the actual people I don’t torture for all eternity, just long enough till they’ve served their time.”

“Wait... God wants you to torture people who don’t love him? Kinda egotistical if you ask me…” Celestia replied.

“Yeah, the rules are pretty backwards, but I try to soften the blow as much as I can,” Lucifer replied, taking another swig of sake.

“I must say, Lucifer, this has been a very pleasant date... I had no idea you were so... not evil,” Celestia swooned, putting her head in her hooves.

“My dear, I’m far from a perfect soul, but I am glad you think me kinder than most. I have had a lovely evening as well. If this date is to continue, I must warn you, I am a spirit of temptation…” He winked.

“Well, you certainly are very…” Celestia’s eyes wandered over his figure once again before meeting back with his deep red eyes, “tempting. Which makes me wonder... what is your deal, huh? What’s your thing?”

“My... thing?” Lucifer seemed genuinely puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s just that as soon as a date goes spectacularly well, something horrible happens. So I’m waiting for either you to break the bad news, or someone else to break my bones,” Celestia deadpanned.

Lucifer sighed. “I suppose I must come clean with you then. I have a catch that had to come up sooner or later.”

Celestia rubbed her temple with a hoof. “Alright, let’s hear it…”

Lucifer picked up her other hoof with his hand, “Celestia, I can’t love you. Not just you, anybody. I can’t love living souls… it’s the way I am. I can be fond of you, empathize with you, even lust for you, but I can never love you. My soul is incapable of it. So, if our relationship were to continue we’d... we’d be closed to sex-buddies, not lovers.”

Celestia blinked. “So you’re telling me that we’d just be friends... who sometimes drink and have sex together?”

Lucifer sighed, “Essentially, yes. I can pretend to love you, but it wouldn’t be real. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you’re looking for, and I understand if it’s not.”

“Just... sex. With you. No strings attached? That’s it?”

“Yes?”

Celestia paused. “Yeah I can live with that.”

Celestia creeped back into her own castle like a foal sneaking home after being out past curfew. After just a few steps, a lamp turned on to reveal her sister sitting in an arm chair with a critical gaze. “And just where have you've been, young lady? And why is you rump redder than your face?”

“I was on a date, Luna,” Celestia sighed.

“Ohhhh, you naughty thing! I had no idea you were into that kinda stuff,” Luna said in a sultry voice.

“Yeah…” Celestia sighed, rubbing her backside while inhaling sharply through her teeth, “neither did I…”

“Hmm... o do we have a match? Will there be a date number two? Who’s the lucky guy?” Luna asked, elbowing her sister.

“No, sister, I do not think there will be another date, and the latter part is none of your business.” Celestia answered harshly. “Oh, on an unrelated note, Lucifer may be dropping by from time to time to uh... store excess tortured souls from his dimension, so if you hear some screaming from my room, it’s probably them.”

“What?”

“Also, do we have any ping-pong paddles?”

“What?”

“Night!”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the the numbers along with capital letters of various meanings, 71NYL-5CR4TCH. Go check his stories out, such as Clockwork if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 24: Game Night

“Unhand me, you fiendish rogue!” Solaire bellowed, grabbing ahold of Deadpool by the neck.

Deadpool held up a finger. “Technically, I’m a thief.”

“Wait, seriously?” Solaire released Deadpool and looked back to the board. “How can a thief pin down a mighty knight?”

“Actually, you’re a barbarian. Also, I have ten plus strength, while you only have eight,” Deadpool pointed out on Solaire’s stat chart.

Solaire picked up the chart and slapped a hand against the forehead of his helmet, causing a loud, ringing noise to be heard. “Impossible! This game makes no sense!”

“No, but a ring of strengthening does.”

“Hey, fellas, will you stop taking this game so seriously?” Twilight asked the pair. She picked up the dice and tossed them swiftly across the board. “Every time we do game night, you two nearly kill each other.”

“Says the only one who came here in costume!” Deadpool pointed out with a laugh.

Twilight scratched at her authentic and quite itchy beard, adjusting her magician’s hat as she checked her star covered cape. “What? My Nightmare Night Star Swirl the Bearded costume is all I had on me.” Looking back to Deadpool and Solaire, Twilight furrowed her gaze. “Wait a second, both of you are in costume!”

“Technically, this counts as spandex.” Deadpool pulled at his red costume, while retracted back with a satisfying smack against his skin.

“I died in this armor,” Solaire said.

Deadpool covered his nose and waved the air in front of himself with his hand of cards. “Yeah, I could tell. You know, they have modern plumbing in the castle, you should give it a shot sometime.”

“Like you ever use it yourself, Deadpool,” Luna called from across the table, seated next to Twilight. She clapped her hooves together, bringing the party’s attention back to the game board. “And now that we’re done bickering, back to our game of Dungeons and Drakes.”

“Wait, why is this game called drakes instead of dragons?” Deadpool asked.

Luna shrugged. “The dragons took offense to their name being included in the title of the game when they were portrayed as a villain race. So the publishers had to change it to drakes. Although I heard the drakes are building up a case to sue them sometime soon as well.”

“Ah, damn political correctness strikes again,” Deadpool said with a deep sigh in his voice.

“Does killing evil demon abominations count as a hate crime?” Solaire asked.

Deadpool snapped his fingers and pointed to Solaire. “Probably in Missouri.”

“Boys, the game,” Luna repeated. She smiled deviously, rubbing her hooves as she looked over the board. “I’m the dungeon master this time, so expect one of the most difficult campaigns you’ve ever experienced. Death will be a blessing once I’m done with you!”

Solaire snorted.

Twilight looked up from her cards. “Wait, why isn’t Princess Celestia with us tonight?”

Luna frowned, rolling her eyes. “My sister is either acting all gloomy and staying cooped up in her room, or off on another date. That’s the usual process for a Saturday night for her now.”

“I heard her last date didn’t go so well,” Twilight mentioned.

Luna, Deadpool, and Solaire all stared at Twilight with equal amounts of deadpan, even if Twilight couldn’t see the faces of two of the group members. She shrunk under their gazes, hiding her face underneath her wide brimmed hat. “Well, more than the usual.”

“Well, seeing how her last date wasn’t the one she was supposed to go on, along with the fact he wasn’t even immortal, I’m not surprised.” Luna huffed under her breath. “And now Celestia’s stuck in an even deeper funk than usual. I don’t know how to get her out of it.”

A light bulb appeared over Deadpool’s head, before shorting out and crashing into a shower of broken glass on the table. “I have an—”

“No,” all three of the group members said immediately.

“But—”

“Deadpool, whenever you come up with an idea, it usually involves ruining one of Celestia’s dates, or extremely high amounts of property damage, but most of the time both of those things at the same time!” Luna said.

“But that’s the thing, I have an idea that will actually improve Celestia’s date!” Deadpool declared. “And we can all help her out as well!”

Twilight raised her hoof. “I’m not going to die because of this, right?”

“Ah, death isn’t so bad,” Solaire said with a chuckle in his tone. “Heck, a benefit is never having to go to the bathroom ever again. Although there’s still the fact you’ll eventually go insane and your own madness will consume what little order you have in your mind until you’re left a hollowed out husk of your former self.” Solaire leaned back in his seat with both hands crossed behind his neck. “But, like I said, you’ll be saving a ton from not buying toilet paper.”

Deadpool wisely scooted away from Solaire. “No one’s dying—dear God, that sounds weird to say. Simply put, we get the guy who was supposed to be Celestia’s date to go on an actual date with her.”

“And?” Luna asked, her eyebrow arched.

“And then we make sure she has the best date ever by accompanying her as a super deluxe triple date!” Deadpool pointed to Luna. “We’ll do Deadmoon and Twilaire! How does that sound?”

“Like some jolly co-operation!” Solaire declared.

“Like an asinine plan cooked up by an idiot,” Luna sighed.

“Can I go home and not go on a date with the dead guy?” Twilight asked.

“We shove off in an hour!” Deadpool hopped on the table, pulling out his phone. “I have just the connections to get us a place to have the date at. Along with getting the captain himself to board with us as well!”

“And how exactly are you going to convince Celestia this is a good idea?” Luna asked him, already chiding herself for allowing another date night to be ruined by one of Deadpool’s antics.

Deadpool winked at her, the effect much creepier when she realized he had no eye holes. “Just leave that to me.”

Guest Chapter: For Truth, Justice, And The Dating Game (Flanagan)

Celestia was grinning ear to ear; out of all the dates she had been on this was easily the best. It all started when her date arrived at the castle far earlier than she expected, granted it was a welcome surprise, on account she normally met her dates at the restaurant they agreed upon. Since they had plenty of time before the date he offered to take her out in the world, she could hardly resist the offer, especially when he had such a charming smile. Little did she know at the time he literally meant the world.

Within minutes they were in the royal dancing hall of Atlantis, having a grand old time with one of his closest and oldest friends. Soon after they went to the island of Themyscira, where she was given the finest sword she had ever seen as a gift just for visiting. Finally, they watched the northern lights flicker in and out on the top of the world, just outside his so called ‘fortress’ made completely out of the finest crystals she had ever laid eyes on. The two were having such a good time with one another that they had both completely forgotten about the reservation they had made back in Canterlot. Fortunately for them however, he managed to get them to the restaurant with just seconds to spare.

Despite the miniature adventure her date had brought her on, Celestia had a great deal of interest in his more physical features, from his jet black hair, soft blue eyes, and strong chin; he was everything that any girl could want. Then there were his manners; she’d never met a male of any species so polite. When he arrived at the castle he actually apologized for being early of all things. She could barely wrap her head around just how perfect he was.

“I must say, Superman,” she said, smiling heavily as she took a sip of the four hundred year old wine he had brought with him to the castle for her, “this has to be one of the greatest nights of my entire life, and that’s saying something.”

“You can just call me Kal, ma’am,” Superman nodded softly with an irresistibly charming grin, “this is a date after all.”

“Then you can just call me Celestia,” she replied, adding a playful wink to her response.

Superman chuckled as he grabbed his own glass of wine. Celestia watched on as he took a sip, but despite the great time the two had been having there was still one burning question in the back of her mind. She had wanted to ask it when he first arrived, but was worried about his reaction, so she kept it to herself. Now, however, she knew that he was a pretty calm and probably wouldn’t be upset if she asked him.

“Kal,” she began, placing her glass on the table, “could I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Superman replied with a nod. “Ask me anything.”

“What’s with the outfit?” she asked, pointing her hoof up and down the length of his body. “I mean, I’ve dated a few people like you, but you’re the first to wear his underpants on the outside.”

Superman let out another small chuckle before looking down to the uniform that had become almost synonymous with hope. “My mother made it for me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Celestia panicked, “I didn’t mean to—“

“It’s perfectly fine,” Superman interrupted, passively waving his hand. “I’ve gotten that I don’t know how many times since I went public, I’m surprised you didn’t ask me sooner.”

“Well, I was, but—“

“You were worried how I would react?”

A small tint of pink flushed through Celestia’s cheek before she tried to hide it with her hooves. “Yes.”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I myself wondered why she stitched it like this.” Superman looked down to his iconic uniform, the giant red and yellow shield marked with an ‘S’ covering most of his chest, the bright red cape the flowed to his ankles, and the vibrant blue that swept across his arms and stomach until his belt separated it into his red trunks, then blue down his legs until red boots replaced it. “And also the fact that she made it so tight.”

“Oh, I don’t mind that at all,” Celestia almost growled, looking at him head to toe again, only this time taking in his flawless physique. “How did you even get such a body?”

“I attribute that to genetics,” Superman shrugged, watching his arm flex. “It’s hard to work out when you can bench press the planet.”

Celestia couldn’t help but let out a laugh. She knew his joke was as corny as they come, but there was just something about this particular man that made her all giddy inside. Suddenly and without warning she felt something under her hoof, something far to soft too be the table. Here eyes followed her fore leg to see that her hoof was gently resting in Superman’s hand. She panicked, she couldn’t even remember doing it, her eyes quickly shot to his face, expecting to see some sort of disapproval or disgust, after all, she did seem to be coming on that strong.

However, his warm smile remained. She finally had half a mind to pull her hoof away, but when she tried he gently held her in place. Her eyes locked on his, they seemed so warm, so welcoming, so understanding, so—

“You have the most beautiful aura,” Superman said, completely derailing her train of thought.

“M-my what?”

“Your aura,” he repeated, placing his other hand over her hoof, “the life force that surrounds you, it's one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

“Y-you can see that?” Celestia stuttered, completely dumbfounded by what her date had just said.

“That I can.” He nodded releasing her from his grasp. “I’ve never seen so much hope, love, will, and compassion in anyone, whether they be human or something else.” Superman leaned in closer to her smiling as warmly as ever. “You truly are special.”

“Well, I… uh,” Celestia didn’t know how to respond, in all her years and all the dates she’d been on in the past few months this one seemed like it was going somewhere other than the bar a few blocks down.

Superman, or Kal as he asked her to call him, was simply perfect, and not just physically, though was a very nice touch. He had just the right amount of charm, corny humor, and understanding that she could ever need. A small tear came to her eye as a smile grew on her face, perhaps her search was finally over.

“Super—I mean, Kal,” she whispered, leaning towards him as well, “this was easily the best date I’ve ever been on.”

“I could say the same, Celestia,” Superman agreed, taking both her hooves this time. “It’s hard for to find someone so amazing.”

A light blush came to Celestia’s face yet again. Maybe among the abilities he had already shown her favorite was his ability to say the right thing. That was the thing that sold it for her, she knew that now was the right time to finally ask a question she was so desperately wanting to ask.

“Kal,” she whispered, “would you mind, if I… if I asked to see you again?”

Superman sat up proudly with a smile plastered on his face. “Celestia,” he began, “I would be—“

Before he could finish, twin beams of red energy blasted him. He wailed in agony as he was thrown into the back of the building, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Celestia’s jaw nearly unhinged, her perfect date—and man for that matter—had just been attacked. She couldn’t even fathom the kind of being who would do such a thing to him. He was easily the finest person she had ever met, so who in all the universe could be his enemy?

“Greetings, Celestia,” a deep, commanding, and slightly intimidating voice from behind her bellowed.

Celestia slowly turned to get a glimpse of who she believed could very well have been Kal’s attacker, but the moment her eyes set upon the being, they shrank into tiny dots. A giant towered over her, nearly twice the size of Superman, and easily three times wider. He wore dark clothes that resembled armor that bore a symbol that looked somewhat like a horseshoe at it’s center. His arms were folded behind his back as if he were plotting universal takeover, and his skin, especially his face, seemed to be made completely out of rock. Finally, her eyes met his: they were pure red, somehow steaming with what appeared to be blood.

“W-who are you?” she asked, slowly backing away.

“Who am I?” the being asked, clearly not amused. “I am your god now, but you may call me—“

“DARKSEID!” Superman roared, throwing off a ton of debris from his body like it was nothing. “What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious, man of steel?” Darkseid replied, slowly turning his head to face him. “I’m here to pick up my date.”

“What?!” Superman and Celestia shouted simultaneously.

“You heard me well enough the first time.” Darkseid scowled, his eyes pulsing red. “I do have sympathy for the female though, she was desperate enough to consider you as a potential mate.” He then outstretched his hand towards Celestia, who backed up even further. “Come now,” he ordered, “you belong to Darkseid.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Superman yelled, before flying straight into Darkseid, delivering a punch that sent his foe flying through the roof. “Stay back, Celestia,” he warned, bracing himself for an attack, “Darkseid is one of the most dangerous beings in the universe and he’ll stop at nothing until he—“

“Claims what’s rightfully mine!” Darkseid roared, slamming through the ceiling, landing squarely on Superman. “Now you are where you truly belong, Superman…” Darkseid began to twist his massive foot on Superman’s face as he struggled to break free. “Beneath my heel.”

Several seconds passed and two faintly glowing red dots suddenly appeared on top of Darkseid’s foot. He winced as he pressed down harder in a vain attempt to squash the resistance, but when two distinct rays of red light blasted through his foot and struck his face he was relented in a cry of unspeakable pain. Using that as a distraction, Superman slammed both his fists into Darkseid’s stomach before swinging them up to his chin, knocking his opponent into the crowded streets.

Superman flew into the fray once more, but Darkseid was already prepared. With another blast of his omega beams, he sent Superman into the side of the mountain, but not before taking a few of the taller buildings with him. Darkseid smiled as he saw the smoke settle around the crater, but when the Kryptonian wasn’t there, his smile was replaced by the grimace of true pain. Superman had flown behind him and slammed his fist close to one thousand times in his back before Darkseid replied with his own fist in kind.

The titans waged their one on one war for what seemed like hours, hitting each other so hard that glass windows from Baltimare to Appaloosa were being shattered by the impact shockwaves. In a rare pause the two stood a football length away from one another. Superman’s once pristine uniform was tattered and torn, his body bloody and bruised, but he still stood strong. Darkseid looked much better off, but his armor was almost unrecognizable compared to when he first arrived. Regardless, Darkseid was on the cusp of all out victory over the one being that could stand against him, and he knew it.

“Farewell, Kryptonian,” he said through a sinister smile, as he readied for one last omega beam strike. “I’ll be sure to leave your head as a trophy.”

“No…” Superman growled, clenching one fist while the other wiped blood from his mouth, “Goodbye to you!”

Just as Darkseid unleashed his omega beams, Superman appeared before him, slamming his open palms deep into Darkseid’s eye sockets. The two roared in unimaginable agony as the explosion engulfed them, filling the entire city with a plum of red light. When the plum dissipated, a crater three city blocks remained, with the two battered and beaten opponents lying in the center.

Superman was the first to rise, holding his side in an attempt to stop as much blood from flowing out of him as possible. Darkseid remained lying down, his face bloody and bruised almost beyond recognition. The man of steel staggered over to his beaten opponent, standing as proudly as he could as he clenched his free hand tighter than he ever had before.

“I should end your insanity Darkseid, right here, right now,” he hissed, eyes pulsing red with fury.

Darkseid's response was a mocking smile that showed a distinct lack of teeth. “You would never kill me, man of steel,” he laughed through bloody coughs, “because without me, there wouldn’t be a you.”

Superman rose his fist, ready to send his opponent to whatever hell he deserved, but within moments his fist lowered and eyes returned to their soft blue. “I’m calling Orion,” he said, “he and the other gods of the New Genesis will insure that you are dealt with, and that this planet is defended.”

Darkseid began to laugh once again, his black blood landing in speckles on what remained of Superman’s uniform. “That is why you will always be weak, Kryptonian,” he said reaching for his belt, “and that is why in the end, all will hail Darkseid.”

“No!” Superman yelled, reaching for Darkseid, but it was too late, the flash of light that came from the boom tube generator blinded him just long enough for Darkseid to make his escape.

Superman fell to his knees and cried out in rage, shaking the nearby buildings that were somehow still standing. Celestia rushed to the edge of the crater to see Superman swaying from side to side as he tried to stand up. Before he fell back to the ground she caught him with magic and brought him to her side, where she soon began to cradle him.

“By harmony,” she said looking over his wounds, “I thought you were a goner.”

“I’m tougher than I look,” Superman smiled, adding a playful wink, “besides, I’ve been through worse.”

“I could hardly imagine how anything could be worse than—“

“Well, I died once.”

“…What?”

“Really long and complicated story,” Superman said struggling to his feet again, “but quite frankly, stuff like this happens every Wednesday.”

“Every… Wednesday?” Celestia asked, her jaw nearly hitting the floor.

“Pretty much,” Superman shrugged, “close to once every week I’m either straight up battling a intergalactic tyrant like Darkseid, or I’m dealing with some sort of morality issue that’s been turned into a metaphor through conflict between myself and one or several individuals.”

Celestia promptly sat on her rump, tears filling her eyes. “I knew you were too good to be true…” she whimpered, doing her best and failing to hold back tears, “I just knew it.”

Superman looked down to the sobbing alicorn with sad, yet still understanding eyes. “So I guess that means that we won’t see a part two to this?”

“No,” Celestia said reluctantly, “as much as I’d want to, I can’t risk the entirety of my nation. I’m so sorry.”

“I understand,” Superman nodded as he hung his head low. “It was really nice meeting you Celestia.”

“You too… Kal,” Celestia said wiping away her tears.

With that the two waved to one another one last time, and Superman ascended into the sky, probably to return to his fortress in the north. Minutes passed by, and Celestia still couldn’t get over how close she had gotten with this date, it all was just so perfect. The dancing, the gifts, his personality, all of it was leagues ahead of any other date she had prior to this, but it all went to hell when that Darkseid character showed up and the two began to fight. Celestia’s eyes suddenly shrank into dots for the second time that evening, remembering exactly why she had to say no to her seemingly perfect man.

“Shit…” she muttered, looking around at the devastation, “How the fuck are we going to pay for this?

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the bearded justice Flanagan. Go check his stories out, such as The Princess and I if you enjoyed this chapter!

And now for some theme music!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g

Chapter 25: Back In Jack (Part 1)

“What do you mean you’re going to be late!?”

“Wait, did you not catch me? Do I have to repeat what I just said?”

Luna sighed with a growl in her voice. “Not in the mood for games right now, Deadpool.”

“Ooh, so the previous question was supposed to be like twenty questions, huh?” Deadpool asked on the other end of the receiver. “If that’s the case, is it bigger than a breadbox?”

“No—what—forget it.” Luna glanced over her shoulder. Celestia was sitting at their table in the packed restaurant, already on her second wine glass as she half-listened to Twilight prattle on about her new princess duties back in Ponyville. If Celestia’s head could drop any lower, it’d practically fall right off her neck. “Listen, how late are you going to be?”

“Well, Solaire and I are time traveling right now, so the exact time will of course be a little iffy,” Deadpool explained. “We might be five minutes or five million years, give or take a couple of seconds.”

“Not good enough, Deadpool. I want this Jack Harkness guy here now!”

“Well, you have to understand, he isn’t an easy guy to find. At any time he could be anywhere in time! You can’t even find this guy’s number in the phone book!”

Luna sighed again for the second time in less than a minute. “Then how exactly do you intend to find him?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I have the perfect plan! Which might also result in me dying. Solaire I’m not too sure about since he’s already dead. Could an undead guy get deader?” There was a brief pause on the other line, followed by a muffled shout: “Hey, Solaire, can you get any deader?”

“Deadpool, cut it out, and get the Captain here on the double. Is that understood?”

“Wait, you guys want Captain Crunch? I mean, it’s a good cereal and all, but it’s nothing compared to Lucky Charms, or even Fru—”

“Oh, just forget it!” Luna snapped, disconnecting the call on her phone.

She returned to the table where the other princesses were seated, slinking into her chair with an expression quite similar to Celestia’s. Tiredness and bitterness mixed into a deadly combination of apathy for nearly everything around them.

Twilight was now in the center of two great forces of indifference, which was threatening to crush her between them. Tapping her hooves together while overlooking her menu, she muttered, “S-so… you guys interested in anything?”

“More wine,” both princesses spoke.

Gulping, Twilight, scratched at the back of her mane. “Boy, I sure can’t wait for our dates to get here. I’m sure we’re going to have a wonderful time, right?”

Celestia merely snorted while Luna rolled her eyes.

Fumbling for anything to stick to, Twilight’s gaze drifted to Luna. Twilight briefly coughed, then smiled to her fellow princess. “So, Luna, when do you think the boys will be arriving?”

“I’m not too sure,” Luna said, filling up her wine glass to the brim, “but I’m willing to put five bits on the chance they’ll make a grand entrance through the front doors.”

“I got five bits on the ceiling,” Celestia said, finishing off the rest of her glass and then sighing in relief when she was done. “It’s always the ceiling.”

“So, fellow warrior of the sun, what is the plan now?” Solaire asked.

Deadpool kicked his feet up on the table and stretched out in his seat. He was decked out head to toe in a business suit, completely clashing for his usual brightly colored spandex tights, although he continued to wear his infamous mask.

“The plan, my zombified compadre, is to wait,” he replied.

Solaire adjusted his bowtie, his only formal attire since he still chose to wear his armor and tattered tunic. “But wait for what? Waiting only leads to death in my world.”

“Well, we already know Captain Jack Harkness is a hard person to find, right?” Deadpool asked, Solaire nodding in response. “The only information I could gather about him from his profile page was that he worked for some Torchwood establishment. Basically the British version of Men in Black.”

“What is this Men in Black you speak of?” Solaire asked.

Deadpool sipped at his tea cup, ignoring the strange looks him and Solaire received in the cafe. “Only one of the best movies ever! Well, the third movie was kind of iffy for me, but the trilogy altogether was pretty solid.”

Solaire snapped his fingers, nodding his armored head. “Ooh, ooh, is this one of those picturebox entertainment shows Mistress Luna has in her room? Why, I remember the last time I was watching that, I witnessed such amazing wonders. Such as this one show that included warring house families, political turmoil, and even dragons!” Tapping his chin—actually, just his helmet, since it was the best thing next to it—Solaire shrugged. “Although, in my opinion, the complaints warranted by Mistress Luna over the numerous character deaths were completely unjust. In fact, there should have been more!”

“Remind me to never let you Netflix binge again.” Deadpool checked over his shoulder for the fifth time in the space of two seconds. “Anyway, this Torchwood place in the premiere alien hunting institution in all of Britain. Which means, of course, if something extraterrestrial does happen, they’ll be on top of it. Along with sending their top agent, Mister Captain himself, to check it out.”

“Wait a moment. We aren’t aliens. What reason would the Captain have to try and find us?” Solaire asked.

“Oh, don’t worry, I gave him a good enough reason to drop on by to this cafe exactly.” Deadpool sipped the rest of his tea through his mask, all while pointing his pinkie finger up in the proper manner. Once done with that, he checked his watch and tapped the face, where Mickey Mouse’s hands reached close to four o’clock on the dot. “In fact, he should be arriving any second now...”

A figure flung open the doors of the cafe in one swift push and quickly walked in his, eyes scanning the entire perimeter of the coffee establishment. His eyes soon locked in on Solaire and Deadpool, the only two and by far strangest anomalies in the room. He was soon walking over to the pair, his eyes locked on to them with determination driving each of his steps.

Upon closer inspection, Captain Jack Harkness struck an imposing yet altogether welcoming figure. His face was the very definition of handsome, his cheeks smooth, jaw line stoic, his chin seeming to be chiseled by the gods themselves, and his hair spiked yet without any use of a hair product whatsoever. He wore a dark grey, knee length coat with dark suit pants and an even darker shirt, with his suspenders proudly on display. Stopping at their table, Harkness eyed Deadpool then Solaire, then Deadpool again, licking his lips as he stared each one of them down.

“Okay, gentlemen, which one of you left a disembodied, unidentified alien head on the front of the Queen of England’s doorstep asking me to meet you at this location at this specific time without any backup using the alien’s blood?” Harkness asked, hooking his thumbs into his suspenders with his palms flat on his sides.

Deadpool tipped his fedora. “Toodaloo!” he called out. “Although I clearly left my signature there.”

“It was kind of difficult to make out with all the blood and all,” Harkness explained.

“Well, you got to hand it to those Skrulls, they sure are bleeders. Now like you have to worry about them in your universe, of course… probably.” Deadpool kicked out the third chair at the table and nodded for Harkness to sit. “Anyway, my name is Deadpool, and my associate is known as Solaire.”

“An honor to meet a Captain such yourself, Mister Harkness,” Solaire greeted him in his usual cheery tone.

Harkness slowly slid into his seat, still on edge as he continued to glance back and forth between the two of them. “Well, this certainly isn’t the strangest introduction I’ve ever had. Though it definitely concerns me you know my name.”

“Not like you’re very lenient about handing it out,” Deadpool reminded him.

Harkness frowned, then shrugged and relaxed further into his seat. “Alright then. So, Deadpool, you mind explaining why exactly you nearly gave the Queen a heart attack just to get a visit from me? Not that I’m not honored, of course, but such extremes usually indicates this type of meeting won’t end nicely for either of us, least of all yourself.”

“Oh, Deadpool meant no harm by it, except for the alien, of course,” Solaire said. “We merely wanted to meet with you to get you to agree to go on a date.”

“Well, you certainly have the knight in shining armor vibe,” Harkness said, a smug smirk on his cheeks and glint in his blue eyes. “So, I’m guessing you’re here to sweep me off my feet? I should warn you, horseback riding gives me awful motion sickness. Well, only one type, anyway.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Mister I’ll-Hump-Anything-That-Walks,” Deadpool said, raising his hands. Pointing a finger at Solaire and leaning to Harkness with a hand cupped over his ear, Deadpool whispered, “Solaire the sunshine knighty over here is undead. Although, if necrophilia is your kink, by all means go for it while wearing proper protection.”

Harkness tilted his head and gave Solaire a once over. “Strange. He doesn’t have that zombified look on him. Or the smell.”

“My type of undeath is different than what you might expect,” Solaire explained. “I merely died and was resurrected, which means I cannot die again by normal means. Unless, of course, someone was to throw off the side of a mountain or something. Eventually I’ll probably become hollow if I do not find my sun, and thus turn insane and lose what little remaining free will I possess.”

“Ain’t he a hoot at parties?” Deadpool jeered.

Turning from Solaire to Deadpool, Harkness arched his brow. “Ah, so it’s you who went to such lengths to acquire a date from your’s truly. Not that I don’t appreciate the morbid enthusiasm, of course.”

“Nah, it’s not me either.” Deadpool whispered under his breath, “And truthfully, you’re not my type. I like my men huge, muscular, and about sixty-percent composed of cybernetics and guns.”

Harkness clapped his hands together and shrugged his shoulders. “Well then, gentlemen, if it’s not you two that called me on a date, who is it?”

“The person in question would be none other than Princess Celestia of Equestria herself!” Solaire proclaimed.

Harkness snapped his fingers and nodded rapidly. “Oh yeah! Princess Celestia of Equestria! How could I forget?” Harkness stopped nodding, and then pouted and frowned as he stared at the table. “Wait, yeah, I did forget. Who exactly is this princess again?”

“Wait, you seriously don’t remember signing up for a dating site for immortal beings and agreeing to go out on a date with a princess only for it to be stolen by an actual pirate who turned out to not even be immortal?” Deadpool asked. “Damn, and I thought my memory was spotty.”

Harkness held up a finger and said, “I only understand about half of the things you said, mainly pertaining to the dating website. If that thing is legit, then sign me up for it on the double!”

“But how could you forget about Princess Celestia already?” Solaire asked, rising from his seat with his hand on the handle of his sword. “That is an outrage of the worst variety to be so callous to the Sun Goddess!”

“Whoa, whoa, easy there, pal, I don’t want to make you any deader than you already are,” Harkness said, holding up his hands. “At any given time there’s about three to four Jack Harknesses running around on Earth, and in the future maybe even more. The Harkness who signed up on the site could have been a future version of me for all we know.”

“Damn, I knew time traveling would be tricky!” Deadpool cursed, slamming his hand on the table. He pulled out a book from inside his coat and threw it over his shoulder. “Time Travel For Dummies my ass! Almost as useless as that guide on how to avoid time paradoxes that can rip the universe in two! As if I’d be able to fuck my own father to produce myself!” Deadpool remained silent for a few seconds, then muttered, “Wait…”

“Hey now, fellas, just because I said I never heard of this princess, doesn’t mean I don’t want to go out with her.” His cocky grin revealed itself from between his lips, absolutely sparkling. “Leaving a lady in need is not something Captain Jack Harkness does. Just point me the direction and era, and I’ll be sure to leave her royally amused for an evening she’ll never forget.”

“Actually, we’ll be accompanying you,” Solaire said, tapping his bowtie. “We’re all going out on a triple date, all with princesses as well, I might add. It shall be a riveting experience of jolly co-operation!”

“Ooh, an orgy! You’re reading my mind, handsome,” Harkness said with a wink.

“What’s an orgy?”

“I’ll explain and show you some videos later. But first, the date!” Deadpool said, hopping out of his seat and over the table. “We’re late as it is, and we wait up any longer I am pretty sure I’m going to get the cold shoulder for most of the night. Or Luna could just cast a freeze spell over me. Either one.”

“Well, I have literally all the time in the world to kill. Let’s get to it,” Harkness agreed, getting up and following Deadpool out the cafe.

Deadpool allowed Harkness to exit the cafe first, but stopped when Solaire laid a hand on his shoulder. “Deadpool, if I may be so prudent, why exactly did you help Celestia get on a date with this Captain character?” Solaire asked. “Is she still not the object of your affection?”

Deadpool brushed Solaire’s hand off his shoulder and grinned visibly underneath his mask. “Oh, don’t worry, hooking up with Celestia is still on my mind. After this date, I can assure you, she will be mine! There are no rules in love and war, my friend, so the option to use mustard gas is always on the table.”

As Deadpool caught up to Harkness’ side, Solaire shrugged, walking briskly to the pair. “Well, time to see if I really can get any deader after all.”

Chapter 26: Back In Jack (Part 2)

“Well, that certainly was the strangest form of time travel I’ve been through,” Harkness muttered under his breath. “And that’s saying something.”

“For me, it doesn’t even rank in the top ten,” Deadpool said, following Harkness out of the portapotty.

Solaire was the next to walk out, some toilet paper stuck to the heel of his foot. “Do you guys happen to have any hand sanitizer on you per chance?”

Deadpool opened up one of the countless pockets attached to his utility belt and pulled out a small bottle, passing it to Solaire. “If you need wipes, it’s the third pocket to the left of my groin.”

“How did you even get a functioning time traveling device, much less one in a portapotty?” Harkness asked.

“Craigslist,” Deadpool answered, adjusting his tie as he sauntered down the brightly lit road in Canterlot.

Harkness arched a brow, a wry smile on his face. “You can’t be serious.”

“It was either that or eBay.” Deadpool leaned close to Harkness and whispered, “And truth be told, I don’t trust that site after the dead Bigfoot body I bought turned out to be a gorilla costume full of grinded up cow intestines.”

“Ever try Amazon?” Harkness asked.

Deadpool shrugged. “Eh, their shipping rates are too rich for my blood. Especially when you try to buy blood on that site. Outright outrageous prices for virgin blood, I tells ya, and then it turns out it wasn’t virgin blood in the first place!”

Harkness was struggling to hold back a laugh, his shoulders visibly shaking. “How’d you find that out?”

“Damn Dracula didn’t blow up when I performed that blood ritual,” Deadpool replied. His masked eyes narrowed and he tapped his chin. “Although, on the other hand, it did give him a nasty case of the flu and my sword impaling him through the throat, so I guess you win some and kill some.”

Harkness shook his head slightly, then patted Deadpool on the shoulder in a playful manner. “Deadpool, I must admit, you definitely have something interesting to say all the time.”

“It’s the all the time part that seems to irk some people,” Solaire said behind the pair. “Why, I remember Mistress Luna being greatly disgruntled one time over a game of Scrabble when Deadpool here kept on insisting that ‘quone’ was a word, even when the dictionary proved otherwise.”

“I still say it’s an actual word, language professors be damned!”

“Wow, you guys sure do mention this Mistress Luna often enough,” Harkness said, wiggling his eyebrows. “So, to which of you is she the girlfriend of?”

“I believe the correct term in this world is marefriend,” Solaire said. He then pointed to Deadpool. “As for her suitor, that would be none other than Deadpool himself.”

“Just for tonight, that is!” Deadpool quickly intervened, turning to the two with his hands held up. “We’re not serious, okay.”

Solaire nodded. “Oh right. Mistress Ce—”

Deadpool flicked his finger against Solaire’s helmet, causing the warrior of the sun to stagger as his helmet shook uncontrollably from the vibrations.

As Solaire struggled to not fall to his knees as he tried to hold his helmet still, Deadpool threw his arm over Harkness’ shoulder and drew him close, picking up their pace. “Anyway, for tonight’s date, I’m stuck with Luna, Solaire here gets Twilight, the new girl, and you, you lucky dog, get the biggest prize of the lot: Celestia herself.”

“Well, if future me thought she was worth the hassle to chase after, then she must be some prime dating material.” Harkness pulled down his collar and smoothed out his shirt. “So, what can you tell me about this Celestia girl? She the usual royalty type?”

“Well, she has better teeth than the usual, I can tell you that.” Deadpool spotted the restaurant directly before them, and then started dragging Harkness to the entrance as fast as he could. “Also, she’s funny, witty, smart, playful, beautiful, bodacious, attractive, curvy, pretty, princessy, elegant, magnificent, voluptuous, luscious, and most of all, horny. When you have a mare over a thousand years old holding onto so much pent up energy while on the throne, you better believe she’ll be all over you!”

“A mare?” Harkness inquired.

“Ponies, man, and she’s the princess of them.”

Harkness grinned, his smile only widening as Deadpool threw open the doors of the restaurant. “Well, good thing this isn’t my first rodeo.”

“Well, well, sister, looks like you’ve lost the bet,” Luna said, her head turning to the front door just as Deadpool and Harkness burst through into the room.

“Don’t count your winnings yet, Luna. The date isn’t even over yet,” Celestia reminded her.

Deadpool quickly made a run to the trio’s table, dragging Harkness all the way. Eventually Solaire entered the restaurant as well, staggering about like a drunk as he held onto his helmet closely.

“Sorry we’re late, ladies,” Deadpool said breathlessly, slumping into his chair directly before Luna in their booth. “You know how congested time traveling can get at this hour.”

“Oh please, don’t be, we’re just glad the three of you made it,” Twilight said, her eagerness having to make up for the other two. Luna just stared dully at Deadpool, her deadpan expression the only thing she needed to convey her true feelings about her date’s tardy, while Celestia was too focused at watching her wine slosh around in her cup.

Solaire was the last to join the group, falling into the booth alongside Harkness and pinning him against Deadpool.

“Easy, fellas, easy,” Harkness said, scooting forward so that he wasn’t crushed. “It’s always been my dream to get pinned between two handsome gentlemen, one of who is fresh out of Comic-Con and the other from a larping tournament, but we have ladies present.” He looked to Twilight and winked, holding out his hand. “Speaking of which, hey there, I’m Captain Jack Harkness.”

“Yo, Romeo, your date is right there,” Deadpool whispered, pointing to Celestia.

Harkness looked to Celestia and smirked, crossing his other hand over his first one to shake with her and Twilight. “And hello there, Celestia, isn’t it? I’m Captain Jack Harkness.”

Solaire looked to Harkness leaning over the table, then shrugged. He held out his hand to Twilight. “Fair greetings, maiden of the time between day and night. I am Solaire of Astora, a Knight of Sunlight.”

Twilight smiled uneasily at both Solaire’s and Harkness’ hands presented to her. “Um… Solaire, I already know who you are.”

“I’m just doing it to fit in,” Solaire whispered. “Please don’t make this anymore awkward than it needs to be.”

“And I’m Deadpool, ‘The Merc with a Mouth!” Deadpool shouted, jumping atop the table and catching the attention of many of the restaurant guests.

“I think you meant ‘The Merc with Only a Mouth’,” Luna muttered under her breath. “And for pete’s sake, get off the table, ponies are starting to stare.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I get it all the time,” Harkness said with a hearty chuckle. He winked at Celestia, holding his hands behind his head. “Not that there’s anything wrong with watching, of course. In fact, watch to your heart’s content.”

Celestia merely rolled her eyes, taking another sip of her wine.

Solaire leaned across their booth, holding a hand over his mouth area of his helmet and whispering, “Deadpool, what do we do now? Celestia is sinking further and further into depression. How exactly are you going to save this date?”

“Through ingenuity,” Deadpool whispered back. He pulled out a remote from his pocket, pressed the big red button, then slyly withdrew it back. “Also, in about five minutes, a favor that’s finally going to be paid off.”

“What type of favor?”

“The one that keeps you from getting canceled,” Deadpool replied. Raising his glass, Deadpool burst out, “And to get this date started, I propose a toast! To good fortune!”

Solaire, Twilight, and Harkness were the only ones who were genuinely cheerful about raising up their glasses for the toast, while Celestia just finished the remainders of hers off as Luna stared at Deadpool with annoyed glare.

“Also, just wanted to be sure, no one has any peanut allergies here, right?” Deadpool asked. When the group collectively shook their head, he got back into his seat, clapping his hands into excitement. “Ah, good, I’d just hate for that to ruin our night for the next five minutes.”

“Five minutes?” Luna asked.

“Actually, probably four by now.” Deadpool looked to the ceiling, humming a light-hearted tune under his breath. “Perhaps three and a half, I just have a terrible sense of time.”

“Oh, by the gods, it is going to be the ceiling,” Celestia muttered while dragging a hoof across her face. “In hindsight, I should have bet more!”

Chapter 27: Back In Jack (Part 3)

“And that’s how I killed the reanimated Abraham Lincoln in a boxing tournament in Las Vegas,” Deadpool said, laughing heartly at himself while everyone at the table looked at him with a strange expression. Sans Solaire, of course, since one couldn’t tell his expression to begin with his helmet on, and Jack Harkness, who just stared at Deadpool with whimsical amusement. For the princesses, however, none could hide the wide-eyed and downright puzzled faces each one bore, though at least with Luna she was the first to snap out of it.

“Wait, wait, hold on a moment. There’s no way you defeated all the zombie versions of your country’s leaders,” Luna said, shaking her head. “At least not with half the scenarios you just described.”

Deadpool rose from his seat and pointed an accusing finger right at Luna’s muzzle. “Objection! First off, I’m Canadian, so they weren’t my leaders! Secondly, there were still all those unimportant presidents that died under mysterious circumstances before I could get to them!” Deadpool’s finger turned into a fist as he shook it at the heavens. “But I still know Reagan’s ghost is up there, just waiting to reenact Star Wars again! Revenge of the Reagan shall be the doom of us all!”

“Quite an interesting time with this guy around, am I right?” Harkness asked, a wide grin on his flawless features. Looking to Luna, he asked with a wink, “How you manage to keep your hooves off him right now is beyond me.”

Luna finished the rest of her wine and frowned. “Oh, trust me, the willpower needed to keep my hooves from his neck is enormous.”

“I must attest that Mistress Luna is quite irked with companion Deadpool right now,” Solaire whispered to Harkness. “Since the dates Celestia go on are usually due to her sister’s hoof in play, Mistress Luna may be feeling left out now that Deadpool is in charge. Although, there might be some real worry mixed in there whenever Deadpool is involved.”

“I take it that Deadpool has the habit to do the unexpected?” Harkness asked.

Celestia snorted, flipping through her menu. “If it’s possible something could go right or wrong, then there’s a good chance that when Deadpool is involved it will always go wrong.” Celestia paused momentarily, then shrugged. “I’m quite certain it’s a law by now.”

“Perhaps Murphy’s Law? Interesting chap, Murphy—or I should rather say, Augustus De Morgan—was. His most well known law is using a misinterpretation of his own name, thus making said law true when applied to himself,” Harkness said with a joking smile.

Celestia looked up from her menu, eying Harkness with a curious gaze. “You seem quite knowledgeable in this field, Captain.”

“Please, just call me Jack,” Harkness corrected her. Leaning back in his seat in a more comfortable position, the white’s of his teeth shone forth once again in a self-assured smirk. “And trust me, once you get involved with time travel, Murphy’s Law becomes one of the most consistent things you can count on.” His smile grew wider. “De Morgan was also quite the handsome fellow, though, of course, pales in comparison to your radiant beauty, princess.”

Celestia stared at him unamused, though he still caught the noticable hint of red in her cheeks. “Well, aren’t you the smooth talker, Jack. You do this for every one of your dates?”

He chuckled. “Heck, I do this with people I pass by on the street.”

Celestia nodded, eying him once over yet again. “Yes, quite, you certainly seem open to your portrayal of… well…”

“Hitting on anything that has half a mind to appreciate my compliments?” Harkness guessed, Celestia nodding in turn. “Well, being from the 51st century tends to do that. We’re much more liberal in turns of sexual prowess. In fact, most taboos you’d expect when sex is concerned are no big deal at all. Inter-species relationships are also quite popular, as you can clearly see now.” Harkness leaned forward on the table. “Also, did I mention we produce a pheromone that make us much more sexually attractive? Not that I’d need that in the first place, at any rate, as I’m sure you can see for yourself.”

Deadpool leaned close to Harkness and whispered, “I think the pheromone was overpowered by our trip through the porta potty.”

“You guys used a porta potty to get here?” Twilight asked, grimacing instantly.

“A time traveling porta potty, I might add!” Deadpool sniffed at his suit, then shuddered. “One that was left dormant for hundreds of thousands of years without being emptied, I might add.”

“It was quite an enjoyable experience of fast travel if I must say so myself,” Solaire added. He pounded on his chest, showcasing the proud symbol of his warrior sect on his tunic. “For Warriors of Sunlight, we often appear in far away lands to do battle for the assistance of a companion in need, though only in golden phantom forms, which is an odd sensation indeed. The best I can describe it as is being—”

“Yeah, yeah, interesting life story you got there, Solly, but we have more important things about to be going down,” Deadpool interrupted, glancing down at his watch.

“Hey, I wanted to hear more about what Solaire had to say,” Twilight piped in.

“You can hear all you want from your dead boyfriend later, Twinkie, but right now is not the best time.”

Twilight’s cheeks turned a shade redder as she huffed under her breath. “He isn’t my boyfriend.”

“And I’m not dead,” Solaire added.

Deadpool groaned, hopping atop his seat as the seconds ticked by ever so slowly. “Fine, undead coltfriend, my bad. Come on, come on, hurry up! How can this guy be late? Shouldn’t it be practically impossible?”

Luna rose from her seat, eyes narrow to slits as she approached Deadpool over the table. Grabbing him by the collar and forcing him down, she looked him dead in the eyes, muzzle against his masked nose. “Deadpool, did you bring another time traveler here?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

“Deadpool, I swear…”

“So it’s a sarcastic one?”

“Deadpool!”

A strange hulking, groaning sound could suddenly be heard beside the group, right before their table. Like a broken down car on its last leg, the sound continued as the air distorted and a strange object appeared and disappeared, like a flashlight being turned on and off, until it finally settled itself in this world, ending on a wheezing noise as the car sound took its last breaths. The object could best be described as a blue box with the words ‘Police Box’ printed over the top and a few windows across its sides.

The box opened, and out came a mysterious figure who stopped mid-step when he caught sight of the group. Standing quite awkwardly before all their eyes—even Luna, who still had Deadpool in her grip—the Doctor looked to them, then back inside his box, and then back to the group while pointing back to his box. “Did I come at a bad time? Because I can certainly arrive any time later or earlier if it’d be more convenient for you all. It just seems you’re… quite busy.”

Chapter 28: Back In Jack (Part 4)

“Oh hey, it’s the Doctor!” Deadpool cheered.

“Who?” Solaire asked, pointing to the Doctor.

“How?” Twilight asked in turn, staring at the strange looking police box.

“What?” Celestia asked, tilting her head as she observed the new arrival.

“When is this going to be over?” Luna asked, throwing Deadpool from her grasp.

“Wait, this is the Doctor?” Harkness looked to Deadpool, then back to the Doctor, then shrugged. “Not really what I had in mind for the new regeneration…” Jack said, getting up from his seat so that he could circle around the Doctor, “but hey, not like I’d ever complain.”

“I’m still confused who the Doctor is,” Solaire said, glancing at Deadpool who could only shrug for an answer.

Harkness tugged at the Doctor’s dark blue coat, noticing the red inner lining. “Well, for once, your incarnation has a good fashion sense. Well, except for the Ninth. I quite liked the tough boy look, as you well know.” Harkness halted directly before the Doctor and grabbed his cheeks in between his hands. “A bit on the old side as well. More rugged. With still a hint of that youthful glee you’re so famous for.” Harkness grinned, patting the Doctor’s hair while the Doctor in turn just stared at him with a confused expression. “Only real complaint is that you should really see about getting a haircut. And probably some hair dye if you’re up for that.”

“Wait, wait, hold up… I’m still a bit new at this…” The Doctor snapped his finger and pointed directly at Harkness, a wide smile lighting up his features. “If it isn’t Captain Jack Harkness!”

Harkness wrapped his arms around the Doctor and slapped his back playfully. “Ah, Doctor, you haven’t changed a bit.”

The Doctor slid out of Harkness’ grip when he felt his hands traveling down south. “And you certainly haven’t either,” the Doctor laughed.

“So, Doctor, which number are you this time?” Harkness asked, holding his hands on his sides as he eyed the Doctor several times over. “Don’t tell me you’re unlucky thirteen.”

“No, Twelfth is the number of my undoing this time. Recently happened, actually.” The Doctor stretched out his arm a few times and winced. “Still getting used to a few of the kinks. For instance, I have odd cravings for lemon cakes now. I have no idea why, it just appeared out of the blue. Also, the scent of pine floor polish.”

“Well, let’s see if I can’t get one of the chefs here to get you one or both of those things,” Harkness said, wrapping an arm around the Doctor and leading him back to the group’s table.

Now Deadpool and Solaire were squashed uncomfortably to the very end of the booth while Harkness made room for the Doctor. Grunting, Solaire scootched over to Deadpool, nearly busting one of his ribs. “Companion Deadpool, is there any particular reason you invited the Doctor whatever to the date?”

“I didn’t so much as invite him as bribe him. Or rather, her. The TARDIS, actually.”

“The TARDIS who?”

Deadpool shook his head and pointed to the police box. “More like what. That what being Time And Relative Dimension In Space. TARDIS for short.”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to shorthand it to TRDS?”

Deadpool looked Solaire right in the eyes—or tried his best to—and said, “And people call me stupid.” Deadpool shook his head and sighed. “Anyways, I blackmailed the TARDIS to drop the Doctor off here at this specific time for this specific occasion to disrupt this specific event, specifically.”

“Didn’t you just say you bribed it?” Solaire asked.

“No, I bribed the executives, and then used this information to blackmail the TARDIS.” Deadpool knocked on Solaire’s helmet. “Sheesh, Solaire, get with the program.”

“Wait, is this how you prevented the Doctor from getting canceled?”

Deadpool waved his head in the air like it was a balance. “Eeeeeh, kinda. I don’t really want to get into the specifics of it. Too many body bags to count.”

Solaire and Deadpool looked back to the Doctor and Harkness. The two were currently engaged in conversation, with Harkness regaling the Doctor with recent events in his life while the Doctor nodded, laughed, stuffed his face with the newly arrived lemon cake, or did all three. Twilight was listening to their conversation with rapt attention, occasionally asking a question, while Celestia stared with furrowed eyes at Harkness, and then finally Luna was drinking by herself in her own little corner.

Solaire looked back to Deadpool. “So, I’m still not getting how this date is going to go horribly wrong,” Solaire whispered. “Nothing has exploded and no one has died yet.”

“You’re not putting enough emphasis on the yet part,” Deadpool said. He pointed to Celestia, a smile clear on his masked face. “And besides, it’s already working. I devised a way to get one of Celestia’s dates to lose interest in her. And not only that, but with a date who is probably the best immortal out there. Now with her being ignored and unloved, I can swoop in and score the goal in the ridiculously long soccer game of love!”

“That… sounds incredibly malicious.”

Deadpool sighed, nodding his head solemnly. “You’re right. Soccer is an awful game to be used in a metaphor. Perhaps basketball? Skeeball? Oh, wait, hockey works!”

“No, I meant the part where you conceived a plan to make Celestia miserable enough for you to rebound her,” Solaire said.

Deadpool snapped his fingers and nodded eagerly this time around. “Oh yeah, that. Well, this is me we’re talking about. Me is quite handsome and devious. So I can only agree with me and myself that I am indeed going through with this place.” Deadpool shook hands with himself, “Aren’t I right, me?”

Solaire stared at Deadpool for several seconds, that slowly shook his head. “By gods, and people used to think I was mad.”

“The true key to madness is knowing that only you can tell yourself you’re insane and that it would mean something. Oh, and an actual key. Those things really simplify the process.”

Solaire was about to reply, but then felt a chill run up his spine. Turning around, he noticed everyones’ eyes trained on the two of them, most of all Celestia, who at this point was so red in the face that any trace of her white coat was lost.

“Damn, Solly, we’ve been spotted!” Deadpool announced, jumping atop the table as he pulled out a device from inside his coat’s pocket. “Time for plan Alpha Delta Beta 2.5!”

“What?” Solaire asked.

Pressing a small red button, Deadpool pointed his finger to the ceiling and cried out, “So long, suckers!” After about five minutes of awkward silence, Deadpool started repeatedly pressing the button. “Oh, come on, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted explosives I got from craigslist!”

“Okay, time for plan B… 2.6!” Deadpool declared. He pointed a finger at the Doctor, whose face was still filled with a copious amount of lemon cake. “You’re allergic to peanuts and if you don’t get some medical attention you’ll die!”

The Doctor chuckled, licking some icing from his fingertips. “That’s quite preposterous to think, weird costumed man. First off, Timelords don’t have allergies, and secondly, what I’m eating is a lemon cake.”

“With a nutty custard filling!” Deadpool pointed out.

Harkness got to his feet and held up a hand. “Now easy there, Deadpool, no need to get the Doctor anxious over this.”

Deadpool shook his head. “Oh, it’s not to make him anxious, it’s a credible fact that in this current regeneration he’s allergic to peanuts.”

“Oh, knock it off, if the Doctor says he’s—oh, wait, he is,” Harkness said.

The Doctor was clutching his throat, face a deep shade of red as his cheeks started to puff. He fell from his seat on the floor, desperately gasping for air.

“But… how?” Harkness asked Deadpool.

Deadpool winked, though without visible eyes the action was lost. “Let’s just say I know people in the right places. And also bribery money. A ton of ill-gotten bribery money.”

As Harkness opened his mouth, the Doctor hacked out another wheeze. Sighing, Harkness picked the Doctor up and started dragging him back inside the TARDIS, not before pointing to Deadpool and saying, “This isn’t over, Deadpool.”

“You have my number,” Deadpool replied before the TARDIS’ doors closed and it was whisked out of the current dimension.

“Wait a second, you never gave me your number,” Solaire said.

Deadpool whispered, “That’s because you use more emoticons in your texts than a teenage girl.”

“But the cat faces are cute.”

Celestia slammed her hoof on the table. “Would anyone mind telling me what in Tartarus’ name is going on here?”

Luna raised her empty wine glass. “It’s happy hour!”

“Well, looks like Luna already answered that question,” Deadpool laughed, before his throat was clenched shut by Celestia’s unforgiving hoof.

Breathing heavily into Deadpool’s face, Celestia snarled. “Deadpool, out of all the dates I’ve ever had, you’re by far the worse! Not only do you actively ruin some of my dates, you mooch off of me by living in my home and being a nuisance all the time! And even after all this, you actually think I’ll ever date you again? Are you actually this insane or is this just a game to you?”

“Well, of course it’s a game,” Deadpool said. He quickly covered his face with his hands when Celestia threatened to smash her hoof into his face. “Wait, not like that! This dating website, all the absurd immortals, the ridiculous situations, it’s all just a game, you know?”

“What can you possibly be blabbering on about now?” Celestia asked.

Deadpool cupped Celestia’s cheeks together and drew her close so that their noses were touching. “You, me, this world, it’s all just a game. Well, to me it is. Sooner or later, it will end. No matter how drawn out it gets, no matter how high the stakes are set, and no matter how much you wish it’ll end, it just won’t! There’ll always be something new to continue it in some other asinine way. And you know how I deal with that? By making every second worth it! By being relevant enough to matter so that I still exist! By making sure this world goes on long enough for an ending that really blows everyone away! And… and… and hopefully having a happy ending myself for once.” Deadpool released Celestia’s cheeks, her hooves letting go of his neck. “And you’re the only way I’ll get that in this world, Celestia. It all revolves around you.”

The group was quiet for several seconds, Celestia staring with shocked awe at Deadpool while Deadpool himself stood silent—a rare occasion indeed—before her. Then, the ceiling imploded in on itself, covering the group in rubble and dust.

“Aha, I knew having backups from Amazon would be a good idea!”

“Deadpool!”

“DEADPOOL!”

“I can’t feel my legs!”

“Who’s up for ice cream?”

Chapter 29: End Of The World... Sorta

“...”

“...”

“...Uh…”

“Yes?”

“Nothing!”

“You were about to say something.”

“Um… maybe…”

“Something… about the face, right?”

“Perhaps.”

“And the suit?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, then simply say it.”

Celestia gulped, averting her eyes from her date for but a moment. “Anyone ever tell you the grey skin and blue lips look a smidge… creepy?”

Apocalypse smirked, the blue lines on his lips seemingly traveling all the way up to his ears. His skin had an almost metallic sheen about it, appearing to be really shiny grey when caught in the right light. Other than that, his visage was even more frightening as he was completely bald with strange blue markings atop his forehead and skull while his eyes glowed a sinister red that lurked beneath dark orbs for eyes. The rest of his get up was composed of a blue and grey costume that fitted itself snugly to his body that was positively ginormous. It was muscled with proportions considerably well beyond that of normal humans in his natural form.

“Well, typically no one notices it. Slips their mind when they see my other… unusual traits,” Apocalypse said, setting his elbows on the table so that he could cross his massive hands. Hands that could crush a human skull like an orange. “Though you’ll be happy to note I take no offense to anyone criticizing my appearance. It is a petty grudge to have against someone.”

“I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing… well, not all of it,” Celestia said hastily while holding up her hooves. “It… gives you a more striking figure.”

“I have been told of that, yes.” Apocalypse smiled again, his face consorting to a devilish grin as his eyes took on a more sinister glow. “Although, I must say, your appearance is quite… surprising, princess.”

Celestia looked down at herself, then back over the table to Apocalypse. “What exactly were you expecting from a pony princess known as Celestia, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Apocalypse shrugged, reaching down with his fork to spear a chunk of his steak. It was extra rare, to the point that blood dripped out from even the slightest touch. “Having gone through countless names over the centuries myself, they are almost meaningless in explaining to me the characteristics of someone. Ironically enough, I call myself Apocalypse, but I have no intention of ending the world, but ruling it.” He picked up his wine glass, swirling its contents while staring thoughtfully into his distorted reflection. “As for the pony bit, I have ridden many a horse in my lifetime, and know that any distant relatives of them would be a sturdy breed and strong all around.”

“Seriously? Not even the princess part threw you off at all?” Celestia asked. “Heck, that doesn’t exactly scream anything to be expected other than… well, what you see before you.”

“A princess indicates a position of authority. Your authority has reigned over your country for better over a millenium, indicating a strong leadership,” Apocalypse said, crossing his arms over his incredibly large chest. “Likewise, your achievements are most impressive. From defeating the mad god of chaos and usurping his rule and then several dark lords that dared to challenge your rule, to even banishing your own rebellious sister. Now that takes true fortitude in leadership.”

Celestia chuckled under her breath, scratching the back of her sweat drenched neck. “Heh, well, the entire banishment thing wasn’t exactly my doing and I certainly didn’t mean for the thousand year imprisonment…”

“Come now, Celestia, don’t sell yourself short.” Apocalypse leaned over the table, taking one of her hooves in between his massive hands. “Your might is greater than most of Earth’s champions. Magic so powerful it can harness the power of the sun!” Apocalypse grinned wickedly, staring deep into Celestia’s eyes. “Just think of what we can accomplish together! You and me, side by side!”

“In a loving and committed relationship?”

“While we rule over the world!”

Celestia slowly withdrew her hooves and got out of her seat. “Yeeeeeah, sorry, but I’m not all up for the whole ‘join and help take over the world’ aspect of the relationship, thank you very much.”

“What?” Apocalypse asked, taken aback. “Why not?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Bad experiences, let me tell you. Too much to list right now. Plus, once you actually take over the world, there isn’t much anything else you can do with it. You’ve reached your peak. That’s it. Nothing else can ever be a bigger accomplishment than that. You’ve literally obtained the highest achievement possible and from then on in it’s a downward slope to mediocrity.”

Apocalypse hummed under his breath, slowly rubbing his chin. “Huh… I never thought about it like that. Truthfully, looking back on it all, my attempts at world domination could have all been summed down to my compensation for not having birth parents to look after me. And the only way I could properly relieve myself of this angst was through trying to take over the world plots.”

Smiling cheerfully, Celestia patted Apocalypse’s freakishly massive shoulder. “See, now you’re getting somewhere. I’m sure with proper therapy sessions you can work out the kinks of your parent problems, provided you—”

“Stop right there, Apocalypse!” a man shouted from across the restaurant, right after he had blasted his way through the wall, a doorway right beside him. He was wearing visor goggles that glowed a molten red and were visibly smoking, lasers from his eyeballs the most likely reason for the melted wall. He was dressed in a ridiculous garb of a blue and yellow jumpsuit with an ‘X’ symbol stamped on his chest.

Several other costumed freaks followed the first man through the broken down wall: a hairy blue beast that was in desperate need of a haircut, a metal man that was shinier than even Apocalypse, a dark skinned women with white hair that was floating off the ground, a man that was seemingly made entirely of ice, a fairly typical looking short women that actually phased right through the wall rather than through the giant hole, and then a blue skinned, devilish creature that had teleported out of nowhere, clinging to a table.

“So, if it isn’t the X-Men, here to foil another one of my plots!” Apocalypse laughed. He got out of chair, needlessly throwing his table across the room upon his rise.

“Wait, hold up, I’m confused here,” Celestia said, backing away from the strangely dressed superhumans and… whatever else they were.

The man with the strange goggles who appeared similar to a cyclops approached Apocalypse. “The X-Men won’t allow you to carry out your nefarious ways, Apocalypse. Your reign of evil ends here!”

Apocalypse spread out his arms, gesturing with his finger for the team to attack. “Stop wasting my time and hurry up with it. Every action you’ve made has played into my hand, no matter what you do.”

“But Apocalypse, what about the parental issues and therapy!” Celestia called out.

“Too expensive!” Apocalypse shouted, already getting busy with driving his fist repeatedly into the visor guy’s face.

Celestia sighed, walking away from what was quickly becoming the ruins of another restaurant destroyed by her date’s antics. At this rate, they’re going to practically name an insurance plan to cover the expenses of her dating life.

Walking to the hole in the wall—because at that point she realized that doors were meaningless—Celestia accidentally bumped into a familiar face.

“Damn costume takes forever to put on!” Wolverine bellowed, right before he ran straight into Celestia. The princesses was thrown off her hooves and to the floor, while Wolverine was merely halted a few seconds. Staring down at his former date, Wolverine frowned. “Wait, Celestia? What the hell are you doing here?”

Celestia grunted from her position on the floor. “I was just about to ask you that.” Looking up, she arched a brow at Wolverine. “Along with what exactly you’re wearing?”

Looking down at his costume composed of bright yellow with blue markings, Wolverine tugged at his black mask and shrugged. “It’s… uh… the team colors, okay?” He reached down and helped Celestia back to all fours. “Not exactly my choice, but eh, I’m not much of a complainer.”

“No, you most certainly are not,” Celestia agreed. Looking back to the epic battle between the X-Men and Apocalypse, who was currently having his teeth pulled out by the blue beast man, Celestia grimaced. “So, I’m guessing you’re with them?”

“And I’m guessing you’re with him?”

Both of them answered with “sorta” and then laughed.

As his laughter died down to a mild chuckle, Wolverine pointed over his shoulder with a thumb. “So, seeing how your current date is pretty busy, you don’t mind going out for a drink or two? I could use the company from someone without an ‘X’ stamped to their chest.”

Celestia winced as an explosion rocked the earth close behind them. “You sure you don’t need to help your team out?”

Wolverine smirked and shook his head. “Nah. The X-Men have this under wraps. Besides, the fight’s probably gonna be over in less than five minutes, ending with Apocalypse saying something cryptic in a jerkass kinda way about how he already won, and then he’ll teleport outta here. After the fifth or sixth time you stop caring.”

Mulling it over, Celestia shrugged and nodded her head. “Heck, sure, why not. It’d be nice for a change to go out for drinks with someone who isn’t a date.”

“At least not a current one,” Logan laughed.

Celestia stifled a giggle. “At least now I’m sure that the bar won’t be randomly exploding anytime soon.”

“Yes?”

“Luna!”

"Yes, this is her."

“I need you to pick me up!”

“Who is this?”

“Who else could it possibly be?”

Luna stared into the receiver end of her phone and smirked. “Twilight, is that you?”

“Luna, I’m dead serious here!”

“No, no, I agree,” Luna said, staring nonchalantly at her hoof. “You rarely call nowadays, Twilight, so this most certainly is important.”

“Luna, this is Celestia! The bar I was at exploded! I can’t explain all the details here, but I need you to pick me up, and bring some burn salve as well!”

Luna rolled her eyes and sighed under her breath. “Do you want me to fill the bathtub with ice again?”

“Extra ice!”

“Damnit,” Luna muttered, flipping her phone closed with a deep scowl on her face. “I hate being on ice tub duty.”

Guest Chapter: Date With The Devil (The IDA Official)

Right from the get-go, Celestia knew this date would be a ride. She had had it up to here (see top of Celestia’s head to the top of Canterlot Castle) with rulers of the underworld, but at least this one was honest, unlike a few others…

At first, she wanted to skip this date, but Luna decided for her by automatically replying with a yes, just because his notes said he was 'one helluva lover'. Due to certain conditions regarding her date, Celestia had to traverse to another dimension as per the usual, and she almost instantly regretted it.

The ground was a scorched black, while massive dark stalagmites rose like pillars and fires erupted from the rivers and lakes of fire. Tiny black demons scuttled about, while red goblin creatures flew overhead, shrieking at inhumane volumes. What was worse, in Celestia’s eyes, were the people. Humans, their bones showing through their paled skin and clothes torn and ragged, were suspended by chains and woefully screamed as they were prodded with red hot pokers. Her date’s profile wasn’t kidding when he said he lived in Hell.

Slowly trotting around, Celestia tried to search for the restaurant she was supposed to arrive at, trying to ignore the screams of peril and anguish that greeted her. After what seemed like forever, Celestia finally found the place: Drop Dead Diner. It was, actually, a rather tidy and clean building, where oddly normal-looking people seemed to be enjoying their meals, with others even sitting at the outdoor patio.

True to the letter, Celestia saw her larger-than-life date sitting at the patio, towering over all the other patrons and seated in a white folding chair that was obviously way too small for him. He was a massive red demon, black goat horns sitting on his brow and a black goatee hovering under his frown as yellow eyes scanned the menu. Celestia also noticed that he had brown goat legs, while an ox-skull belt held up a ragged loin-cloth, covering a pair of blue underwear. Sighing deeply, Celestia approached the restaurant, drawing the attention of the massive demon.

“Excuse me,” she shakily asked, “are you Mr. Satan?”

The demon, Satan, smiled at the Princess of the Sun, revealing his white-sharpened fangs. “Yes I am, Miss. You’re Princess Celestia, my date for tonight, right?” His calm, almost cheerful, voice, was very off-putting, yet felt very welcoming to Celestia. Celestia nodded her head, making her way to the table and sitting herself down.

“You know, you should’ve given directions on how to find this restaurant, Mr. Satan,” Celestia said, scanning her menu. “I was lost in this awful place for about thirty minutes.”

“Well, I did say it would stand out,” Satan said, looking down from his menu. “And you don’t have to address me as 'Mister'. We’re both friends here.”

“Yeah, that’s debatable.” Celestia muttered under her breath. “So tell me, Satan, why did you say I had to meet you here for our date?”

“Eh… God banished me to Hell many eons ago, and I’m not really allowed to leave,” he said. “Although I have gone up to Earth a couple of times in the past, if for only brief times.” Once the waiter collected their menus, Celestia looked up at Satan, noticing a small frown on his face.

“A short answer like that has some stories to tell, I bet,” she said. “Well, why don’t you tell me so we can get to know each other.” Satan twiddled his fingers and coughed into his fist.

“Promise not to think less of me, Celestia?” He asked. Celestia nodded, bringing a smile back to Satan’s face. “Well, one of the first times was when I challenged Jesus to a boxing match.”

“And so I invited everyone to the Hell on Earth 2006 party, blue bracelet or not!” he said, a triumphant smile taking over his face.

Celestia sat wide-eyed at the stories Satan had told. From past experiences, she would’ve expected him to be a dark and malevolent monster, just by appearance and occupation alone. These stories changed that view-point, giving Celestia the image of just a poor rascal dealing with tough things in his life, yet somehow coming out on top. Even with some of the darker stories, Satan told some really light-hearted tales where he even helped the denizens of Hell. A thought even crossed her mind that maybe it could work.

“I must say, Satan,” Celestia said, “you really surprised me. With all my other encounters with the masters of the damned, I never expected to run into someone like you.” Satan blushed—which was hard to tell, due to his dark red color—and rubbed the back of his head.

“Aw, thanks,” Satan said. “It’s not often I get to talk about myself, especially with my past partners.”

“So, why did you go on notforeveralone.com anyway?” Celestia asked, taking a sip of her wine. “You seem like you don’t need to be in a relationship.”

“Well, after this one incident with my last two partners, I decided to become a bit more independent in my social life,” Satan explained, lifting a tiny martini glass. “After a few months, I figured it’d be nice to go back on the dating scene. Jesus introduced me to notforeveralone.com, and now, here we are.”

The two continued to talk about each other, swap stories about previous dates, and other random thoughts. Eventually, after Celestia got finished with talking about how fed up she was with Deadpool and Solaire living in the castle, a waiter brought their food: a small salad to Celestia and a large, covered silver dish for Satan.

“Wow, I always forget how big they make turkey here,” Satan commented, reaching to uncover his meal. Just as his massive hand was about to unveil his meal, the lid flew off the tray, revealing something that was definitely not a turkey.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey Satan!” said a man in an obnoxiously nasally and high-pitched voice. Standing on the tray was a short Middle-Eastern man, wearing a green officer's uniform with a red sash slung around. The man had a thick handlebar mustache and short military haircut. Satan looked at the man on his tray, before pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Son of a bitch…” he muttered. The man leaped off the table, clinging to Satan’s massive arm.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, buddy!” the man said. Celestia gaped at the small man, completely baffled by the current sight.

“Umm… Satan, who is this?” Celestia asked.

Without looking up, Satan sighed before trying to pry the man off his arm. “Saddam Hussein… my last boyfriend…”

“You know it, bitch!” Saddam pipped up. He looked at Celestia with angry eyes, glaring at her while Satan continued trying to break Saddam’s grip. “And who the fuck are you, unicorn?”

“Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and Princess of the Sun,” Celestia replied through gritted teeth. Of all the people to interrupt her dates, that foul-mouthed snot was quickly going to the top of the list. “Satan, is this the same Saddam who you said you killed, then banished him to Heaven just for being clingy?”

“Yes,” Satan groaned. “But he found out he could escape by killing himself, going back to Hell, and I haven’t been able to get rid of him ever since.” Saddam had released himself from Satan’s arm, now wrapping himself around the red Devil’s waist and rubbing his back.

“C’mon, you know you want me back, guy,” Saddam said seductively. “I know you miss me in bed.” His hand ran down Satan’s back, the massive devil jumping out of his seat when Saddam touched his 'tail'.

“Okay, seriously, get lost, Saddam! I don’t want you anymore!” Satan yelled. He turned to Celestia with pleading eyes. “I swear, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of him! He’s like a really bad case of crabs!”

“I can relate…” Celestia muttered, her mind drifting off to the images of Solaire and Deadpool trying their best to court her. While Celestia contemplated on how she would try and get rid of those two, Satan continued to swat Saddam off as he continued to scurry around his body.

“Relax, guy!” Saddam snarked. “Seriously, if you’re just going out with that stupid winged, horny, horse with the sun on her ass just to get back at me, or something, then that makes you a big, brainless, butt-monkey for wanting to try a little bestiality! Even if you’re open to experimenting, that’s fucked up, even for you, guy!” Celestia’s head shot up at Saddam’s comment, staring daggers at the Iraqi dictator. The glare froze Saddam in place, allowing for Satan to pull him off his head, so to deliver a roundhouse punch to his face.

“No, Satan,” Celestia ordered. “Let me.” Satan smirked, gripping Saddam by the back of his shirt-collar, dangling him three feet of the ground.

“Oh, what are you going to do, pony? Love and tolerate the shit out of me?” Saddam boasted. As the little madman began laughing crazily, Celestia turned herself around, lifted her hind legs, and bucked him in the place where the sun didn’t shine. Saddam’s pupils shrank, an even higher-pitched scream erupting from his mouth as his baby-makers were destroyed by Celestia’s hooves.

Celestia smirked, trotting away from Satan and Saddam. “Now, you can hit him.” Satan smiled as he wound up his arm. With a mighty swing, Satan smashed his fist into Saddam’s chest, sending him flying into the lake of lava.

“Hey guy!” he wailed. “Reeeeeeeellllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”

He never finished his sentence as his body was submerged in lava. Satan nodded at the completion of his deed, turning back to Celestia.

“Well, now that he’s gone,” Satan said, “you wanna get back to our date?”

Celestia sighed, looking up to meet Satan’s yellow eyes.

“I’m sorry, but it won’t work…” Celestia said. “You’re a good man, Satan, even if you are the Prince of Darkness, but it can’t work if I have to constantly return to this dreadful place and deal with that little bastard.” Satan sighed, deflating slightly and sagging his shoulders. Celestia flew upward, meeting Satan eye to eye. “But it doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, and I’ll try and visit often.” Satan lifted his head, smiling at Celestia, placing a massive forefinger under her chin.

“Thanks for coming, Celestia.” Satan said, waving Celestia off as she flew away. “Take care.” While Satan watched Celestia vanish through the universal rift, a little boy in an orange overcoat fell from the sky and landed next to Satan. “Oh, hey Kenny.”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the official of officials who is the The IDA Official. Go check his stories out, such as The Rifts: Volume One (Misfortune in the City) if you enjoyed this chapter!

Guest Chapter: Two Kingdoms, One Queen (Junglehero)

While Bob Iger may be the CEO of the Walt Disney Company, the one who actually gets stuff done is Mickey. It may seem like the opposite is true, but while Bob is off making speeches on TV and whatnot, Mickey is up in his office, which is situated high above in Cinderella’s Castle at Disney World. Sitting at his own desk, Mickey was surrounded by papers: approvals, disapprovals, contracts, worker complains, all which were piled in tall, organized stacks for both his convenience and displeasure. Long work days like this make the mouse remember the good old days of the company, back when it was just a animation studio and didn’t have a million subsidiaries all requiring an immense amount of attention and paperwork.

He sighed.

Suddenly, the window behind him overlooking the Magic Kingdom burst open! A powerful and ominous wind swirled into the room, sending some documents flying across it. The wind collected in a sort of mini tornado right in front of Mickey’s desk, which was then consumed by a ferocious green flame. Out of the fire slowly materialized a familiar form: the long, flowing robes, the dark green skin, the horn-like headdress, all of these were both recognizable and terrifying. Any mortal man would have been paralyzed with fear by her presence alone. Mickey just rolled his eyes.

“What do you want, Maleficent?” Mickey asked, not even bothering to look up from his work. “If you’re going to try to kill me again, can’t you do it later? I’m a little busy right now.” He looked at his watch. “I’m free around five.”

“I come with no ill will ,mouse,” the witch proclaimed. “For today at least. I am here because sometimes even the fiercest foes must come together for the greater good.”

“Wait, good?” Both his excessive workload and Maleficent's interruption have put Mickey in a bad mood. “You’re working for good now? Oh, this is wonderful! Let’s have a parade, let’s start a celebration, let’s…”

“It’s a figure of speech you fool!” she yelled, baring some fangs. “I am here because…” She hesitated. “I am here because I need your help.”

“Wait, the so called ‘Mistress of All Evil’ needs help from a good guy like me?” He put his feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair. “This should be interesting.”

Maleficent sighed before she began. “In a far away land there is this princess by the name of Celestia. Perhaps you have heard of her?”

“Is she the one who’s basically a queen but keeps the title of youthful innocence instead?”

“You’re being too broad.”

“Hmm… Is she from one of those animes? What was it called? Sail? ”

Maleficent groaned. “No! She is a pony from Equestria!”

Mickey snapped his fingers. “Oh. That was my second guess. So, what about her?”

“Well, she seems to be on a, oh, what’s the word for it?" Maleficent snapped her fingers several times and bit her lip. "A sort of dating frenzy. Ever since she joined a website called notforeveralone.com, she has been dating all manner of immortals, from gods to aliens to complete psychopaths. Sometimes they’re all three.”

“So…” Mickey said, still not sure why Maleficent was bringing this to his attention.

“So, if a Disney character was to begin dating her, and that relationship eventually leads to marriage…”

“Her kingdom and our kingdom would become one,” the mouse said, finishing her thought.

“Precisely.”

“Okay, I see where you’re getting at, but why would we want her kingdom in the first place? Do we even have anything in common with this place?”

"Since when has that stopped us from annexing a land?" She then began to cough. "Cough—Marvel—cough."

The mouse looked unamused.

“Anyways, our kingdom and hers do have many similarities. We both have a extremely colorful atmosphere, both have a plethora of mythical beasts, the people of both randomly break out into song…”

“Hey, I haven’t done that in a while,” the Mickey recalled. “I need to remember to do that again sometime.” He quickly scribbled down a note for later, before realizing that he was writing on the contract to begin production of Planes 3. “Bah! No one wanted to see that movie anyway.” He quickly crumbled up the paper and threw it at the trash can only to miss.

“Besides,” Maleficent continued, “there is so much we can gain from Equestria. They have vast libraries filled with books with spells ranging from time travel to mustache conjuring, their diamond supply puts the seven dwarfs to shame, and, best of all, the merchandising alone will get us more money than every Disney channel show ever created!”

Mickey groaned. “Maleficent, how many times have I told you not to mention that channel around me?”

“I’ve lost count,” she gleefully replied, clapping her hands together with a devious glint in her eyes.

“Ugh,” Mickey groaned. He pondered for a moment about what Maleficent was saying. Sure, the thought of even more paperwork added to his daily workload was horrifying, but with all riches Equestria had, it seemed well worth it. However, something was still bugging him.

“I see how this would help me, but what’s in it for you?” Mickey inquired.

“My, whatever are you talking about?” she asked nonchalantly.

“You wouldn’t have brought this up if it didn’t help you in some way. Let me guess, does Equestria have some diabolical villains that you want to invite into your little group of Overtakers?

“Maybe…” she said, a sinister smirk spreading on her lips.

Mickey raised an eyebrow at this, but he knew he and his friends could take anything the villains could throw at them, so he decided to go along with it. He just needed to remind himself to keep his keyblade on standby.

“So, who did you have in mind for this Celestia to date?”

“That’s the issue. I have no idea! She’s a benevolent ruler so she wouldn’t want to date a villain, and she already dated alternate versions of various Greek gods so no one from Mount Olympus is going to be able to help us, and she already went out with the Genie to horrendous results.”

“Gee,” Mickey exclaimed, “that is a problem! That eliminates nearly all of the immortals we know!”

“Exactly! So we need another character that is immortal.”

“Or,” Mickey started, a grin growing on his face, “someone who can pass as one.”

“So, you’re an ice goddess, correct?” Celestia looked up from her menu to observe her latest date.

This one was a true beauty. She was a humanoid female with pale, pinkish skin, light blue eyes that entranced with a gaze, and hair as white as snow (Ba bum, crash!). Said hair was knotted into a French braid that lay on her left shoulder. It even had a few small snowflakes in it that strangely didn’t seem out of place. She was wearing a light blue, slim fit gown which had a high slit on her right side, and it all seemed to glitter in the light. She was extremely slender, had a calming presence, and, despite all of her ice motifs, she had the warmest smile that would melt any heart. For a human she was stunning, but since Celestia was another species it only worked halfway. Though that was still a pretty lethal dose.

“Um, yes!” stuttered Elsa, twiddling her thumbs. Celestia chalked her anxiety it up to the butterflies people usually feel before a date. Though for her it’s replaced with fear that whoever she’s meeting will end the night with a large explosion. Or something much worse. "I come from a land called Arendelle."

"Well, that seems like a nice..." Suddenly, Celestia heard a faint buzzing sound from somewhere around her. She looked over her shoulder and around the restaurant to try to find the source, but she couldn't place it. When Celestia refocused on Elsa, she looked slightly more anxious.

"Well, let’s not talk about me," the Snow Queen quickly said. "How about you? How is life in Equestria?"

"Well..." For a short while, Celestia told her date about her royal duties, her former student and her friends, and even some misadventures from her love life. Elsa seemed to be listening intently; she appeared to be more used to listening than speaking. She even seemed to become less edgy as time went on and appeared to be enjoying herself. This was when Celestia first noticed Elsa's charming smile and serene aura, and she started to wonder if she had finally found the right immortal.

After about fifteen minutes however, Celestia heard the buzzing noise yet again, but it was even louder this time. She scanned the entire establishment to no avail and again, when she turned back to Elsa, gone was her smile and in its place was a look of pure panic.

"I'll be right back," Else said before she rushed away from their table. Celestia just continued to eat her meal, until she noticed the music in the restaurant had changed. Replacing the previous jazz tunes was what sounded like African chanting, with a woman singing over said choir. She had never heard this song before, but she guessed the title from the chorus 'Can you feel the love?'. Celestia deduced that Elsa must have gone to the jukebox in the corner in order to change the song. Such thoughts were unnecessary, however, as she could have just followed the trail of ice leading straight to there.

Elsa speed walked back to her seat, brushed some hair out of her eyes and smiled sheepishly. Normally one would think this action would just be to make the night more romantic, and while Celestia did like references to things like 'perfect harmony' in the song, her past experience has made her more aware of when something unusual was up.

"S,o Elsa," Celestia asked inquisitively, "how did you pick this song?"

"I, uh..." She began to really sweat, like a child forced to present something to the entire class.

Wait, if she has ice powers, wouldn't the sweat freeze to her face? Celestia thought. She shook her head. I'm over-analyzing.

Elsa finally seemed to come up with an answer. "I just heard it somewhere. The radio maybe."

"Uh huh."

There was an awkward silence for a while, with both royal figures picking at their food, before the buzzing sound returned. Right after the noise ended however, Elsa appeared a bit angry.

"I am not saying that!" She whispered while picking at her ear, hoping Celestia wouldn't hear her. She did.

"Not saying what?" Celestia asked.

The buzzing suddenly grew so loud that not only did Celestia hear it, but also surrounding ponies in the restaurant, many of whom turned toward Elsa, who holding her ear as it was in pain.

"Nothing, nothing," Elsa said hastily.

"Spit it out!" Celestia knew exactly what was happening, but she didn't want to interfere. She wanted to see where this was going.

"Well, I..." Elsa sighed in defeat. What came next she struggled to get out, and it got quieter and quieter with each word. "I'm gonna. Show you. A whole. New. World. Tonight."

Celestia was silent for a moment, then burst out laughing. Soon enough she was rolling on the floor, unable to keep her chuckles in, while Elsa’s cheeks grew so red one might mistake her for a heat based entity instead of an ice one.

"That was the worst pickup line ever! Seriously, who is feeding you this stuff?

"I don't know what you're talking about," Elsa insisted, who now had her hands cradling her arms.

"Oh please! I know exactly what’s going on." Celestia used her magic to pick up the earpiece Elsa had on her. She tried to get it back, but to no avail. Celestia put the black piece of plastic up to her ear and she heard two creatures bickering. One was a mean sounding woman who used older English and the other was a male with a high squeaky voice. If Celestia didn't know better, she would have thought she was listening to a mouse.

"A song title from one of our films?!" the woman asked furiously. “Our movies don't exist in her world, you imbecile! She won't understand the joke!"

"Well, I don't see you coming up with any good ideas!" the high pitched man countered.

“Me? You're the ‘good guy!’ You are the one who’s supposed to know all about ‘true love’ and all that rabble!” The woman sighed. “How are we going to get her kingdom now?”

With that last sentence, Celestia’s look of amusement immediately changed into one of rage.

“You mean to tell me that the only reason you’re dating me is to take control of my throne?” she yelled straight at Elsa, who looked so terrified she might have been holding back tears. Her two friends on the other side finally realized that Celestia could hear them, and suddenly became silent.

Celestia said straight into the earpiece, “Is she even immortal?”

“Well, perhaps,” the woman on the line said, trying to salvage the situation. “She still hasn’t reached the full potential of her powers yet. Who knows, maybe she can make her body so cold it won’t age? Like how living things that get frozen can survive thousands of years.”

“Mal, that only happens in movies,” the man snapped. “It’s just not logical.”

“We are cartoon characters! Since when has ‘logic’ ever applied to us?”

Celestia moved the piece away from her ear and looked directly at Elsa. Their eyes locked, one pair full of anger, the other full of sadness and regret.

Celestia tried to begin a speech: “Do you know how many times I’ve had my heart broken over all this time? Do you?”

“Wait!” the high pitched one said, interrupting her. “Please don’t be mad at Elsa. We put her up to this, so we’re the ones to blame. Though mostly Mal.”

“Hey!” ‘Mal’ exclaimed. “You’re not giving up, are you? We can still find a way …”

“Oh, forget it! This scheme is over and done. Maleficent! You just need to...” he paused, “... let it go! Hahaha—AHHH!”

The earpiece suddenly filled with loud cracking noises, ones Celestia couldn’t identify because of the static. All she knew was that it was so loud that she wouldn’t be able to hear what the man was saying if he wasn’t screaming it.

“Wait! Stop! Ow! Okay, okay! I won’t use such a bad pun ever again! Hey! No lightning! Ouch! Hey!” The transmission died, along with Celestia’s desire to stay at the restaurant.

“I’m outta here!” she announced, and begun to walk towards the exit.

However, Elsa didn't want her to go. On the one hand, she was frightened of Celestia's rage for her scheming like this, but more frightened hand reminded her of the fear of disappointing her boss. But now she was scared that she will only be remembered in this world as a royal gold-digger. And what happens when Elsa gets scared? She loses control.

As Elsa reached out to stop Celestia, she accidentally blasted a ball of frosty energy, which exploded right in front of the alicorn, creating a sharp collection of ice crystals blocking her path. Celestia turned around, horn aglow, expecting a fight. But to her surprise, Elsa looked even more terrified than before, her eyes darting left and right to the ponies staring back at her. There was an eerie silence for awhile, before it was broken by a mare in the back.

“That. Was. AMAZING!” This pony flew from her table all the way to Elsa. Celestia recognized this pony instantly.

“Twilight?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to Canterlot to see how your date was going,” Twilight replied happily. She then turned her attention to Elsa. “That was incredible! I have never seen such powerful ice magic in my life! And from a human no less! That's fantastic!”

Elsa was pleasantly confused. “Wait. You like my magic?”

“Are you kidding? That was some of the most amazing magic I’ve ever seen! And with what I’ve been through, that’s saying something! Could you pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaseeeee do some more? Pretty please?” A small crowd of curious equines began to circle the two royal magicians, all asking Elsa to do same thing.

“Um, wel... okay,” Elsa muttered reluctantly, “Here it goes.” With the wave of her hand, she made numerous beautiful snowflakes appear in a sea of crystallized dust. This really pleased the crowd, who all began stomping their hooves and neighing, cheering the queen on, urging her to do more. Elsa was no longer fearful, but absolutely joyous that her powers could bring happiness to others. She wiped some tears from her eyes, quickly whispered “Thank you” to Twilight, and then began another spell.

Celestia, after watching all this, just rolled her eyes and began walking home, counting herself lucky the night didn’t end with the destruction she dreaded it would. “At least one of us can be happy,” she muttered.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the mightiest of heroes, Junglehero! He'd really appreciate some constructive criticism for his writing since he's new to the game and wants to improve for future stories!

Guest Chapter: Sunny Letdown (Razalon The Lizardman)

“Are you quite sure this is necessary, sister?” Luna asked. She watched from her own seat while the solar alicorn scrolled the mouse down the list of replies in her notforeveralone.com profile’s message box, briefly checking over each one and occasionally hitting the ‘delete’ button. “You could be passing up a plethora of immortals that you’d truly love once you get to know them.”

Celestia’s gaze never left the computer screen as she replied. “I don’t care, Luna. I’ve got so many replies that I’ll still be going through this list when mother finally decides to end our universe.” She moved onto another page of replies and resumed her self-imposed task of weeding out which ones she thought would end in disaster. “No... no... no... never in a whole lifetime.... hmm?”

“Something the matter, sister?” Luna asked, looking over her sister’s shoulder to view the screen.

“Not really,” Celestia answered. Her eyes were transfixed to the computer screen; specifically, at the user’s profile she had selected. The most apt description it could be given was fiery, and Celestia couldn’t help but blush at the handsome figure depicted in the various pictures strewn about the page. “I just noticed this guy is a fellow sun god is all.”

“Really!” Luna exclaimed, and shoved her sister out of the chair.

“Hey!” Celestia said.

Luna eyed the profile with a critical gaze, and after a few moments of doing so wolf-whistled. “Celestia, if there was ever a date which you absolutely, positively, irrefutably had to accept, it would be this one.”

Celestia stood up and brushed some dirt off her pristine white feathers before casting a doubtful look at the screen. “I don’t know, Luna; I’ve never been into boisterous types, and this guy clearly is that type.”

“Irrelevant!” Luna declared dramatically, shooting a hoof toward the ceiling. “He is a sun god, therefore the two of you are mutually compatible!”

Celestia shot Luna a furrowed gaze. “Luna, there’s more to compatibility than one shared trait, even one as large as having control over the sun. Even I know this.”

“Yes, but, uh...” Luna quickly used her magic to move the mouse and click the ‘accept’ button. She then bolted from the room quicker than a cheetah, giggling the whole way.

Celestia sighed in exasperation and turned to the computer screen. “This can’t possibly end well.”

“So,” Celestia said, using her magic to stir some sugar into her coffee, “what’s life like being your world’s sun god?”

The solar alicorn and her date were in what was possibly the only completely fireproof restaurant in all of existence. Every single surface was built to withstand temperatures of over ten million degrees Fahrenheit, which included all the tables, booths, and seats as well as the dinnerware and utensils.

It was the only restaurant which Celestia’s date could visit without burning the place down just from stepping in the door, as his muscular bipedal body was completely engulfed in flames. His skin was bright red and had yellow markings along each limb, his chest, and his neck. His entire body had a glowing green outline which was the same color as both his eyes and a round jewel of sorts in his forehead.

“Well, pretty pony,” Pyrrhon said, his voice radiating with energy and confidence, “some like to think Pyrrhon isn’t really a god, saying I’m only the self-proclaimed god of the sun.” He flexed his arms and flashed Celestia a cocky smirk. “They would be wrong, for only Pyrrhon can command that big flaming ball of life-giving heat in the sky!”

“I don’t doubt your status as a god,” Celestia replied, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes. “I’m just curious as to how our jobs compare to each other.”

“That depends, beautiful,” Pyrrhon said, cupping his flaming hands under his chin while retaining his confident expression. “Does your reign entail taking down villainous scum and giving them a heaping helping of stir-fried justice!?” Pyrrhon ended his query by striking a heroic pose, making sure to show off every last inch of his bulging, uber hot muscles.

Celestia wasn’t impressed by the display, and she merely shook her head with a small smile. “No, no, that’s my student-turned-fellow princess Twilight Sparkle’s job.” A mischievous glint shined in her eye as a cheeky smile spread across her lips. “Whenever one of my past nuisances returns and begins causing trouble, I always send her and her friends to deal with it.”

Pyrrhon regarded her with a curious expression before letting out a hearty laugh. “You don’t say? Reminds me of Palutena always sending Pit to mop up evil doers even though she’s capable of doing it herself.”

Celestia’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wait, you know Palutena?”

“Indeed, Pyrrhon does,” he confirmed. “Sweet gal, but she doesn’t like interfering with the lives of mortals... directly at least.” He rested an elbow on the table with a single hand cupped under his chin. “So, how’d you meet her?”

“I had a date with Hades a while back,” Celestia replied. “Turns out Palutena was also dating one of my.... associates, let’s say, at the same restaurant.”

“No kidding,” Pyrrhon said. “Let me guess, things went south?”

“They always do on my dates,” Celestia groaned.

”Perhaps I can lift your spirits then,” a heavenly voice soothed from above.

Both sun deities craned their necks upward, and were met with the smiling face of Lady Palutena through an astral projection. Behind her was a sky backdrop with the tops of some buildings peeking over the bottom of the image.

“I hope I’m not intruding on anything too . . . intimate,” the light goddess said with a cheeky tone.

“Palutena?” Celestia said, very much surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Shouldn’t you and Pit both be at that—oh what’s it called,” Pyrrhon snapped his flaming fingers repeatedly, trying to remember, “Super something-something?”

“Yes, we’re at the Super Smash Bros tournament,” Palutena answered, before returning her attention to Celestia. ”But a goddess can drop in and say hi to a friend, right?”

Celestia smiled. “Of course.”

Palutena observed the setup. “I see you’re still on the dating scene,” she noted before looking to Pyrrhon with a concerned frown. “Pyrrhon, does this mean you’ve found a safe location to dump the Aurum at?”

The boisterous sun god appeared to space out for a moment before bringing his hands down to his sides and chortling. “Pyrrhon knew there was a reason he asked Celestia out on this date!”

Celestia looked back and forth between the two gods before settling on Pyrrhon with a furrowed expression. “Pyrrhon, what aren’t you telling me?” she ground out.

“Well, princess,” Pyrrhon said, still not breaking his confident demeanor, “Pyrrhon may have asked you out on this date to ask for a favor.”

Celestia groaned, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle before returning a hard stare to her date. “Okay then, what is it you want my help with?”

“Pyrrhon has a bit of a dilemma on his hands,” he explained. “You see, beautiful, our world was attacked by the Aurum, who are ‘beckoned by destruction and corruption’ and came to harvest the Earth for themselves.” He cracked his knuckles and struck another pose. “Of course, no space invaders win when put against Pyrrhon and his almighty pyroblasters!”

Palutena tsked. “Don’t believe that last part, Celestia,” she told the solar alicorn. “All he did was merge with the Aurum and try to take control of them, only to get controlled by them instead. It’s only because of Pit that we were able to put a stop to their plans.”

Celestia did her best to suppress a giggle in response.

“Anyway,” Pyrrhon continued, his outgoing attitude dampened a tad, “now Pyrrhon needs to find a place to put the Aurum where they won’t be a harm any longer, and since your world is known for its harmonious nature—”

“—you want to move these aliens to Equestria, because it’s plagued with so little destruction and corruption?” Celestia finished.

“You read my mind, beautiful,” the sun god replied. “So, whaddya say, princess? Care to help a fellow sun god out?”

“...You know what? Sure.” Celestia smiled mischievously. “And I know exactly where to put them.”

“I will ruin you, sister!” Luna screeched as she chased a hysterical Celestia down the halls of Canterlot Castle. “Nopony defaces my moon and gets away with it!”

“Serves you right for forcing me onto that last date!” Celestia called back through her giggles. She made a sharp turn around a corner, passing two night guards who watched with indifference as she barreled down the hallway.

“ARRRRRRGH!” Luna screamed, turning the corner and charging like a locomotive down the hallway after her sister, eyes blazing with pure, unbridled rage.

“Hey, dude?” one guard said to the other once the sisters were out of earshot.

“Yes?” the other replied, turning to face his partner.

“On a scale of one to ten, with one being ‘she’s taking it very well’ and ten being ‘she’s lost her marbles’, how much is her highness overreacting?”

The other guard looked through the window across the hallway. The moon shone brightly in the sky, radiating a calming energy which helped to soothe the ponies of Equestria into slumber. Orbiting around the giant rock was a ring of glowing green lights, each individual one representing the presence of an Aurum ship. The sight made some ponies ask whether a snowstorm was forthcoming, but the pegasi denied the possibility because weather protocol forbid snow during the summer months. Other than the oddity, however, no actual harm had come about from the Aurum’s relocation around the moon.

The guard looked back to his fellow. “Twelve,” he replied. “‘She’s gone batshit crazy’.”

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the scaly yet still bipedal Razalon The Lizardman. HE'LL EAT US ALL!

Chapter 30: Oh, This Definitely Won't End Well

“Celestia.”

“Ngh.”

“Celestia!”

“Ugh.”

“Celeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”

“Damnit Luna, I’m trying to sleep!” Celestia called out from her bed.

Luna, sensing that her sister was now awake, barged into her room while breaking the chair that was oddly placed underneath the doorknob, as if to jam it shut from anyone on the other side from entering.

“Celestia, guess what I did?”

Celestia cradled her head between her hooves and shoved it beneath her pillow. “Got a what?” she muttered.

“What?” Luna asked, trotting over closer.

“I mean… what is it, dear and beloved sister?” Celestia said. She poked her head out from beneath her pillow, her fuzzy vision bringing Luna’s prominent smile into focus.

“I got your next date all organized just for you!” Luna tossed a laptop on Celestia’s stomach, the browser open to notforeveralone.com on her profile.

Celestia blinked several times, then shrugged and tightened her sheets around her body. “Wonderful. Hip-hip hooray. My mood just skyrocketed into the astounded territory. Nothing could possibly make this better… except for some sleep.”

“Oh, don’t be like that, sister, I’m sure this one will be different! It says right here he’s a doctor!”

Celestia’s eyes snapped open the moment she closed them to return to dreamland. Sitting up in her bed, she brought her face inches away from the laptop’s screen. “Doctor? Luna, please don’t tell me this is the Doctor!”

Luna pursed her lips. “Um… it isn’t? Wait, is this one of those rhetorical questions this modern era is so smitten with? I still haven’t gotten sarcasm entirely down so often times I—”

“Never mind, checked out his profile page. It is him.” Celestia frowned, her eyes scurrying across the screen. “He’s the one who stole the Captain from me. Jerk.”

“Well, technically speaking that was Deadpool’s doing.”

“Which is why he’s been locked away in the dungeons.”

Luna blinked. “Wait… wasn’t that date over two weeks ago?"

Celestia smiled.

Luna blinked again. “Wait… damn, how did I not notice that?”

“You were marathoning Lost on Netflix,” Celestia reminded her.

Luna slowly nodded her head. “Oh yeah… anything else happen in the meantime?”

“Solaire and Twilight got married and now Discord is duke of Equestria,” Celestia said, scrolling down the Doctor’s page.

“Whoa, seriously?”

“Remind me again to teach you what sarcasm means.” Celestia hummed under her breath, tapping her chin with her hoof as she brooded. “Wait one second… this Doctor page. Something about it is strange.”

Luna glanced over Celestia’s shoulder to the screen. “Strange how? You need to be extremely specific when it comes to immortals.”

“Well, I remember the Doctor from before mentioning he was the ‘Twelfth’ one. I thought at first that was an odd nickname, but it seems like this account is actually a main account for a bunch of alts.” Celestia clicked a link, opening up a screen with around twelve smaller profiles popping up all across the browser. “Twelve, to be exact.”

“So what you’re telling me is that there’s more than one Doctor?” Luna asked.

Celestia shrugged. “From what he said all he mentioned was regenerating. This could be a form of reincarnation where he lives forever by taking on different bodies. Kind of like a phoenix. Although I hope not exactly, since cleaning up Philomena’s ash messes each time she reincarnates herself is such a bother. I can’t even imagine the process and mess that a fully grown man could produce.”

“So, sister, how are you going to deal with this problem?” Luna asked, smirk widening every second.

Celestia sighed, then fished out a flask from inside her mane. Taking a long sip from it, she choked back the hard liquor and sighed once again. “Like I do with every problem when it comes to romance. Go at it head first while slightly intoxicated and pray for the best, and if that doesn’t work, beat out the best with my own two hooves. I guess I’ll go on a date with every one of them and see which one is the most bearable… or the least likely to lead me to my doom.”

“Wait, since when did you have a flask there?”

Celestia guzzled a few more mouthfuls. “Since romance.”

“Huh…” Luna dug her hoof into her own mane, only to withdraw a Cheetos bag. “Aww man.” Luna stared at the bag with a mix of regret and misery, only to open it anyhow and eat the cheese-flavored snacks.

On the whole, it is still unknown which sister was the more pathetic one.

Author's Notes:

New chapter every day for each of the Doctors! Have fun!

Chapter 31: First Up To Bat

“You know, for a place called the web planet, there sure aren’t a whole lot of webs here,” Celestia said.

The First Doctor let out an exasperated sigh. “Well, child, when I heard you were from Equestria, I was expecting a planet full of stables, but I was delightfully denied such expectations. Instead, just ponies. Ponies everywhere. Besides, the planet is called Vortis, and I have no idea where you got that other name from.”

Celestia stopped in her tracks, the two beings out in the middle of nowhere with only a lifeless desert and crag-like rock formations around them, broken up by the odd pool of acid or two. “Wait, did you just call me child? You do know I’m older than you, right? Just call me Celestia.”

The Doctor snorted and turned around. His piercing blue eyes bore into her, but she quickly looked past them to observe the rest of him. Shoulder length white hair, a cheeky face like that of a benevolent grandfather, an extravagant dress style of a frock coat and even a bowtie. And to complete the look was an ebony cane he leaned upon in his right hand. The Doctor was every bit the face of refined, rugged, yet with a mix of the strange.

“I would hardly believe so, my dear Celestede—”

“Celestia,” Celestia quickly corrected him.

The Doctor waved his hand and said, “As I was saying, Celephia—”

“No, my name is—”

“Listen, Celiodia, do you want to stand here and argue all day, or do you want me to get to the point?” the Doctor snapped sharply.

Celestia pouted and frowned, but made no further indication of interrupting.

“Hmmmm… now, before being so scurrilously interrupted, I was about to mention… oh, what was it?” The Doctor snapped his fingers repeatedly and slammed the bottom of his cane into the dirt. “Blasted!”

“Did you forget why you called me out here on a date?” Celestia asked, her voice practically dripping with malcontent.

The Doctor arched a brow. “Pardon, but we’re on a date? How could such an occurrence possibly conjure?”

Celestia’s bottom jaw hung open. She pointed back to the blue police box, otherwise known as the TARDIS, they had just exited. “Are you serious? Don’t you remember the dating website? Me coming into your TARDIS and then you throwing around switches in it at random? And then us ending up on this forsaken planet for whatever reason! Did you forget all about that?”

The Doctor raised a hand. “Hold on for one moment, Celestio—”

“Oh, come on!”

“—for a dark presence is upon us and I was just about to forewarn you against producing blustering noise.”

Out of the cracks of the earth and behind scatterings of boulders appeared alien creatures of only the most nightmarish variety. Ants that walked on two feet, their appendages hairy and covered in spikes while their mandibles dripped with saliva that was driven by the hunger for flesh. The closer they approached, the more horrifying they became… to a point. That is, until Celestia noticed that the creatures appeared to have no idea where they were going and could barely walk straight without bumping into each other.

“My intentions for the our date were not of the fairest of hearts, child, for I had called upon your request for romance to instead meet my own ends,” the Doctor explained, now particularly frightened by the ant aliens’ appearance. “Hmmmm, for you see, my TARDIS has brought us here for something important must be done, and it won’t work again until that importance is met with none other than me, the Doctor.”

“So you forcibly brought me along as some sort of companion?” Celestia asked. She shuddered when one of the ant creatures screeched.

The Doctor laughed, tapping his cane into the ground. “Now you’ve got it! Originally it takes them much longer to figure that out. But don’t fret, because I’m sure we can take care of the Zarbi—the ant men menace—together without much trouble until the TARDIS starts working again.”

“But the TARDIS is working right now!” Celestia said, pointing a hoof to the blue box. Its door was slightly askew and light was pouring out of it from the control panel.

“Hmmmm… that it is, that is is,” the Doctor agreed. He then took off into a sprint, shouting behind his back, “Better hurry up now if you don’t want to be left behind!”

“What?” Celestia shouted. Before she could take a step further, one of theZzarbi snapped at her, successful in grabbing ahold of her foreleg in its maw. Punching it repeatedly with her hoof with no avail, Celestia looked to the TARDIS once more and screamed, “Wait, don’t leave me here, or else I swear—”

But before she could finish her sentence, the TARDIS was gone, being whisked away to another time or dimension or both.

Growling, Celestia ripped off one of the Zarbi’s legs and started beating it with it, the poor creature too stupid to realize it was in pain.

“I can’t believe this! My date ditched me!” Celestia roared, having downed the first zarbi with dozens more approaching by the minute. “Actually, no, wait… the TARDIS ditched me. That hunk of junk time travel machine can actually think,” Celestia concluded.

She brought the Zarbi leg up she had removed previously and smashed it against the head of another that had approached a tad too close. Wiping away some alien blood goo from her face, Celestia huffed and prepared for another swing. “Okay, new idea. Don’t trust the TARDIS or the Doctor, and hope that I can get at least one of them to agree for a date to end well for me for once.”

With another swing, Celestia ripped the head off another Zarbi, with three more to take its place. Frowning, Celestia rolled her eyes and prepared for the fight for her life mode she had grown so accustomed to. “Also, another new idea. Get time travel device so I don’t have to call Luna to pick me each time I’m dumped on a lifeless rock fighting off aliens. After the third time, which is now, it’s just getting repetitive.”

Chapter 32: First Is The Worst, Second Is Best

“So, my dear, how’s the meal?” the Second Doctor asked her.

Celestia picked at her fish with a fork, taking a chunk out and chewing on it slowly. She smiled and nodded her head, swallowing with a content sigh. “Quite delicious, Doctor. Usually with my dates I worry about ending up in a hospital, so I don’t get to fully enjoy the meals we have.”

The Second Doctor smiled, this version’s face much more jolly than his previous grumpy and serious facade. “Well, I assure you that no surprise hospital visits shall happen on my watch.”

“Many have already made that promise before.”

The Doctor winked, producing from his pocket a recorder. Placing it near his lips, he said, “Well, not many of them are the Doctor now are they?”

Celestia giggled while the Doctor started to play his strange flute, the notes carrying with them a childish demeanor full of joy and easy-going times. Likewise, so was the Doctor’s appearance. He still dressed in an excessive fashion, but with much less pretentiousness than the First. A simple dark coat and pants with pressed blue shirt was his assemble, along with polka dot bowtie proudly displayed. He always had a mischievous grin on his face along with a hooked nose, while his hair resembled a bad haircut that used a bowl to organize it. The strangest thing Celestia could note was that she couldn’t quite place what color his eyes were. They shifted from brown to blue each time she glanced at him.

Celestia looked around herself, her breath still taken away by the spectacular decor that surrounded the two. “Is this truly the lost city of Atlantis?”

“Well, not very lost now, is it?” the Doctor asked, earning another chuckle from Celestia. He placed down his recorder and leaned back in his seat. “As for your question, yes, it is. I’m surprised you know of it.”

“Once you get around to as many immortals as I have, you learn a couple of things. Such as Atlantis being the place of bad mojo.”

“Here, it’s a place of good seafood,” the Doctor said, both immortals sharing a hearty laugh. “But for the most part Atlantis was once one of the most technologically advanced nations in the world. But, like many good things, it was utterly and completely destroyed and its remnants just a shadow of its old self.”

“That… sounds really dark,” Celestia noted.

The Doctor shrugged, clapping his hands together. “It very well might be, but now they have some of the best seafood on the planet.”

From the depths of a nearby pool appeared a stumbling creature of the oddest variety. It was a fish person, since that was the most likely name to call these creatures. With scaly skin, fish-like eyes, along with gills and fins. Though the scales looked glued onto their skin, the eyes resembled goggles, and their gills and fins appeared to be plastic.

One of them placed a plate in front of the Doctor which had a large collection of sushi on it. Popping a rice roll into his mouth, the Doctor winced and shook his head. “Ugh. Too much wasabi.”

“Doctor… where did these fish people come from?” Celestia asked, scooting away from one that had approached a bit too close to her.

“Oh, just by some mad scientist who genetically altered them to collect food from the ocean floor.”

“What?”

“Did I also mention the part where he wants to destroy the world?”

Celestia shook her head and reattached her jaw, which had practically fallen to the floor. “Pardon me for being repetitive, but what?”

“Doctor!” a far off voice shouted, with footsteps signaling whoever yelled was fast approaching.

“Ah, there’s the man of the hour himself, Zaroff,” the Doctor noted. He pulled out his recorder and gave it an expert twirl, tapping it to his temple while winking slyly. “Off his nutter, completely mad, delusionally demented. And an expert seafood expert.”

“Wait, why are you telling me this now?” Celestia asked.

The Doctor sighed, shrugging with a downcast expression on his face. “Well, to be truthful, it’s to scare you off.”

“Wh—wait, no, I can surely come up with a better response than that.” Celestia pouted and tapped her hoof on the table several times. “How about… hold on a moment? Yes, that should do nicely—hold on a moment now!”

“I was hoping that me acting in such a childish manner in front of such complete madness would do you away from being in my presence,” the Doctor said.

“So… you wanted this date to go badly?”

“More like I wanted to save you the trouble of it going badly down the way.” The Doctor patted her hoof reassuringly. “Celestia, you’re a wonderful lady… woman… mare… pony. But in the end, I’m just not searching for a romantic interest at the moment. This me just wants to be with me, with the occasional companion along the way to make things interesting.”

The footsteps got louder, with eccentric yelling and mindless shouting following it closely.

Celestia tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. “Wait… so why did we go out on a date then?”

The Doctor picked up another sushi roll and chuckled. “Well, there was too much seafood to eat all by myself, and I wanted to enjoy it with some pleasant company. Which is about to change now that Zaroff is on the way.”

“So what should we do?” Celestia asked.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I think it’s about time you high-tailed it out of here.” The Doctor pulled out a large leather wrist-watched from inside the liner of his coat, throwing the device to Celestia.

Catching it, Celestia asked, “Wait, when did you have that in there? And where did you get this?”

“Tough to explain, but the more important question is when? Which I still can’t properly explain.” The Doctor smiled. “But to explain the most important question that remains unasked and unanswered, just press the button to travel through time. You’ll get home from there… hopefully.”

“Oh, you mean this bu—”

Celestia disappeared, leaving the Doctor alone with a mad scientist out for his head.

Chewing on another extra spicy sushi roll, the Doctor hummed under his breath. “Now… did I set that tricky thing to send her to Equestria or to prehistoric times on Earth? Eh, I’m sure she’ll figure it out… hopefully.”

Chapter 33: Third In The Back

“You know, you should really think about getting new decor,” Celestia said.

The Third Doctor looked up from the TARDIS’ control panel. “Pardon?”

“Well, usually when I get in here, the interior changed, but this time I’m not entirely sure it did,” Celestia said. She was seated by the door of the TARDIS, observing her surroundings. “Does the TARDIS change appearance depending on what incarnation you are?”

“Well, it depends. After taking the old girl apart and putting her back together again, I’m still thumping my head against the wall over some of her quirks,” the Third Doctor said with a pleasant smile spreading across his comely features. Unlike his previous form, this Doctor seemed much more ornate in his fashion sense, such as frilled shirts and even an extravagant red coat. He rarely seemed to frown and his hair was always a curly mess. But one thing was true for this one along with the others. Bowties. He always seemed to have a strange fixation on bowties. “But luckily I managed to get her settled down enough for our date to go off without a hitch.”

“I hope so,” Celestia said, rubbing the wristwatch she wore. She winced on instant, bringing her hoof away from the watch’s button. “Because the last one nearly got me eaten by a huge beast.”

“Horrifying alien?”

“No, dinosaur.”

The Third Doctor laughed, shaking his head as he pressed a few buttons. “Ha, the Second must be losing his touch.”

“You know about your previous incarnations?” Celestia asked.

The Doctor barked out another laugh. “Know about that? I’ve met them.”

Celestia’s jaw opened wide. “Wait… so you know about your previous selves?”

“And future selves as well.” The Doctor tsked under his breath. “Not very impressive if you ask me.”

“But… but doesn’t that weird you out at all? You’re essentially meeting future and past selves of yourself!”

“Not exactly,” the Doctor said, flipping the final switch. “Each incarnation is completely different by still keeping a few traits that are similar. Thus, my past self has only disdain for me and I do likewise for him. The Scare-Cow…”

“Really? He seemed like a pleasant individual,” Celestia said, frowning suddenly. “If a bit…”

“Childish?” the Doctor said, with Celestia nodding in agreement. “Oh, don’t even get me started his dandy behavior. But now isn’t the time for that. Because, my dear, we are about to visit the most beautiful and majestic planets in the galaxy! Florana!”

Celestia’s ears perked up. “Beautiful, is it?”

“Oh, even more so than Equestria, I am sure of it.” The Doctor put a hand to his hip and leaned against the TARDIS’ core. “The planet is carpeted by flowers that release a pleasant scent to the entire world. The waters of the rivers are as clear as glass, the sands of the beaches like weaved gold, and the oceans practically floating on air. The perfect spot for a date if I ever thought of one.”

Celestia grinned. “Well, I’m certainly looking forward to it then.”

The TARDIS shuddered, then a jolt ran through its structure, nearly sending the two of them tumbling. Racing to the control panel, the Doctor flipped a few more switches, pulled some levers, and did some good ol’ fashioned pounding on the panels with his fist.

“Um… is everything alright?” Celestia asked, approaching closer.

The Doctor raised and a hand and nodded rapidly. “Oh, yes, never the better. Just some… technical glitches I still haven’t quite worked out. be seated and everything will be fi—”

Everything apparently wasn’t fine, for another rumble passed through the TARDIS that shook it to its core. However, immediately after this everything grew still and the TARDIS powered down, its trademark noise finally dissipating.

Dusting off his coat, the Doctor said, “Well, looks like we’re back in business then.” He walked over to the door at a leisurely pace while Celestia stared at him with wide eyes. He opened door and gestured for her to walk out. “After you, my dear.”

“What a fine gentleman,” Celestia said, trotting to the doorway hesitantly. Although her instinct were screaming, begging, and practically depending that she not walk through that doorway, her princess manners reminded her that denying a door opened by a gentleman was simply unbecoming of one of her stature. So, she stepped through into the outside world.

“Wow, so this is Florana,” Celestia said. Her expectations had certainly been blown away.

The Doctor was quick to join her side, although instead of the smirk planted on Celestia’s face he was looking around in confusion. “Um… well, not exactly.”

“Did you take the correct number of lefts on the way over here?” Celestia asked with a laugh.

The Doctor’s face grew red, but that was the only showcase of anger on his part. “No, no, this is simply impossible. My navigations skills are unmatched! Something must have interfered with the TARDIS.”

“Well, do you have any idea where we’re at?”

The Doctor crossed his arms and tapped his shoe. They were in the middle of a barren landscape with no sign of life except for boulders surrounding the pair, although the sky appeared blue and clear at least. “We’re either on an alien planet of unknown origin, or just some quarry in Suffolk. On the account of times the latter has happened I’m willing to bet my money on that.”

“EXTERMINATE!”

“I beg your pardon?” Celestia asked.

“EXTERMINATE!”

The Doctor sighed, resting his face in his open palm. “Oh please, not now.”

“EXTERMINATE!”

“Seriously,” Celestia said, glancing all about. “Who keeps on saying that?”

From the boulders appeared robots. Or at least that was Celestia’s best guess for what they were. They appeared to be really tall buckets with a single eyeball popping out of their head, no arms to talk of except a plunger sticking out of their chest along with an odd looking stick, and it appeared that a large number of what Celestia could only describe as tennis balls were stuck to its bottom. All it all, it was one of the most ridiculous looking creatures Celestia had ever seen.

“Daleks,” the Doctor said, shaking his head woefully. “Nasty creatures they are. They try to exterminate any creatures they deem inferior. Which is just about everyone who isn’t a Dalek. Thus, they try to kill everyone.”

“That sounds completely mad!”

“Oh, it is,” the Doctor agreed. “Not too bright, but a deadly bunch of ingrates. But, nevertheless, it seems I have to deal with them once more.”

“Wait, where are you going?” Celestia asked, just as the Doctor started walking towards the strange bucket alien robot thingies.

“Well, to do some diplomacy, of course,” the Doctor called back, cracking his fists. “Which mostly means fighting if you’re catching my drift.”

“Oh, I am, I am,” Celestia said, lifting up her wristwatch. For once, she wasn’t going to have hindsight make her its bitch. “Good luck with that!”

“I sure will!” the Doctor said to empty air. “Also, don’t go back into the TARDIS! Whatever the Daleks used to draw it in probably disabled all time travel technology in the nearby vicinity, or make it malfunction for horrifying consequences! So, you know, just don’t try any time traveling until I deal with the Daleks, alright?”

“EXTERMINATE!”

“Good to see we’re on the same page!”

Guest Chapter: A Pirate's Life For Me! (Samurai WAAwee)

As Celestia finally meets her new date, many memories from past experiences passed through her mind as he played a piano in the middle of the restaurant they agreed to meet in.

*Do do do do do, do do…*

She’s dated skeletons before, namely one or two incarnations of death thus far.

*Do, do do do do do, do do…*

She’s (underhandedly) dated a pirate before… though, being stuck with the bill has never been so grandly achieved in all of history. As she thinks this, a violin—from seemingly out of nowhere—started to play beautifully in communion with the piano. But as she heard this magnificent tune, she realized that she’s never dated… well, an immortal rock star before.

And now she's dating all of these things at once in one package.

~Yohohoho! Yohohoho! Yohohoho! Yohohoho!~

~Yohohoho! Yohohoho! Yohohoho! Yohohoho!~

The skeleton started to sing continuously, and then the entire establishment burst into song. She had to admit that, although seeing a skeleton sing and play a piano reminded her of a cheesy horror movie, his singing voice absolutely mesmerized her. She had a thing for singing, much like most of her equine subjects.

He stopped his melodious tune and continued to play his piano (and violin?) while many of the ponies of the establishment swayed along to the beat. The fact that a living skeleton was playing the piano tantamount to some haunting completely passed over their minds, as if the music entranced them into a lovely, but common, burst of musical theater.

Celestia had to admit, she couldn’t stop herself from singing along with her date as he continued the song… even though this is the first time she’s ever heard the song in her life, she knew the words perfectly…

And so did her subjects, to the absolute letter…

Ponies are weird.

~Going to deliver Binks’ sake!~

~Following the sea breeze, riding on the waves!~

~Far across the salty deeps, the merry evening sun. Painting circles in the sky, birds singing along!~

~Farewell to the harbor, to my old hometown! Let’s all sing out with a DON, as the ship sets sail!~

~Waves of gold and silver dissolve to salty spray. As we set sail to the ends of the sea!~

The piano continued playing as the ponies in the restaurant were having the time of their lives. Dancing, drinking, laughing, and generally having fun.

A certain pink pony would turn green with envy.

The song continued, every pony in the establishment singing and dancing together, even though they’ve never heard the song in their lives. Celestia trotted towards the skeleton of the hour with a smile on her face as she saw her ponies singing tales of merry pirates. She even saw a couple ponies with sticks spreading out their nose and mouths, dancing upright on one leg, and even holding baskets in their hooves over tables. One of them was actually the head chef, as his hat wiggled and danced with him.

“I must say, you are quite the musician… Brook?” Celestia said to the piano playing pirate.

“Yohohoho… I still can’t believe these ponies know the song. It made my eyes bulge out of my head when I heard them singing along… even though I don’t have eyes! Yohohoho!”

Celestia playfully rolled her eyes at the obvious joke and sat down at the nearest table, watching the skeleton play his beautiful music. She took her time to see the dapper skeleton’s form.

Heart shaped sunglasses, a yellow feather boa, and a giant crown as a hat, along with orange-red floral print pants. He had the 'rock star' look down pat. On his back rested a dolphin shaped electric guitar and on the side of the piano stood his pink cane.

The music infested her mind as Celestia smiled and bobbed her head in tune with the song. She sang along as the last verse came along, heavily drunk with happiness as she waived her head dramatically.

~Going to deliver Binks’ sake!~

~Today, and tomorrow, our dreams through the night.~

~Waving our goodbyes, we’ll never meet again. But don’t look so down; for at night the moon will rise!~

~Going to deliver Binks’ sake!~

~Let’s all sing out with a DON, a song of the waves!~

~Doesn’t matter who you are, someday you’ll just be bones! Never-ending, ever-wandering, our funny traveling tale!~

The music started to die down as the last words were said, and Celestia finally got a hold of herself. Blushing as she got off her table and sat down in a regular seat. Taking some sticks out of her mouth and throwing a basket to the side.

Where did I even get those anyway? she wondered.

As soon as the music stopped, it felt like a switch flipped in the minds of all the ponies in the establishment. Several ponies scrambled to get in their seats, chefs and waiters ran back into the kitchen, sticks were spit out and ponies continued their day. Pretending nothing happened at all, which resulted in an awkward silence.

“Yohohoho! You ponies are a strange lot! Dancing and singing like merry men one second, now acting like nothing happened the next! Yohohoho! It hurts my sides just thinking about—oh wait! Yohohohoho!” Brook laughed powerfully as he stood up. Celestia had to crane her neck to see the extremely tall skeleton's head. He took his cane and walked towards the flustered alicorn and bowed. “Greetings! As you already know, my name is Brook. I will be your date this evening,” he said as he took the mare’s hoof and 'kissed' it with his completely exposed set of teeth.

His blue cravat tickling the bottom of her hoof slightly.

She blushed at the skeleton’s show of manners. Wow, he really knows how to treat a lady—

“Excuse me?” Brook asked the mare. Celestia was stirred out of her thoughts, so that she looked towards the skeleton man who recently sat down.

“Yes?” she asked with a smile, feeling like a school filly as she tittered.

“…Can I see your panties?” he asked with the utmost seriousness.

Celestia’s face turned from an embarrassed smile to a look of complete befuddlement. “Uh…” she mutted with confusion as she looked down. “I-I don’t have any…” The skeleton looked at her for a second before bursting into laughter.

“Yohohoho! I should’ve realized that before I asked! My apologies!” Brook laughed as he let go of her hoof. “So, tell me about yourself, my princess?” Book completely changed from boisterous laughter to complete seriousness in a split second. Celestia blinked several times in confusion.

Well… I’ve had weirder dates…

So she decided to go along with it. He was already leagues above the last pirate she dated. She told him many a tale of her life while he sat there dead quiet, adding in a comment here or there with a 'Yohohoho!' any chance he could.

Their story time was interrupted by a slightly embarrassed yet terrified waitress approaching them.

“G-good evening, princess and…” the mare looked at the skeleton, a little sweat forming on her face, “s-sir… w-would you like anything to drink?”

“Celestia?” Brook asked the solar mare, who looked at him from over the table.

“Yes?”

“If you’d like, I received some wine from my ship’s cook, would you like some?”

Celestia looked over to him in consideration, before giving him an accepting nod.

“Okay, if you have… any…”

“AAAAAAAH!” The waitress fainted as Brook opened his skull and retrieved an entire bottle of wine from his head cavity. Celestia stared wide-eyed as he also produced some very high quality wine glasses as well.

“Oh my, I think I might’ve startled her a tiny bit…” Brook said as he looked at the unconscious mare on the floor. Some of the patrons in the eatery, no longer intoxicated due to Brook’s music, finally realized that a living skeleton was in their presence.

To their credit, they took it better than usual. Only a third of the shop ran out screaming or fainted where they say. The others had either seen the other beings their princess tried to spark a romantic interest with, or they didn’t care.

One of the patrons screamed 'ghost' as she ran away.

“EHHHH! Ghost!?” Brook started to panic as he looked around the restaurant. “Where!?”

“Ummm, I think they’re referring to you, Brook,” Celestia said with a nervous smile. At least nothing exploded yet, that was enough for her.

He stopped panicking immediately and put his fist on his open palm in realization. “Oh, forgot about that! Yohohoho!”

How do you forget you’re a living skeleton!? Celestia thought in disbelief as she looked to the laughing skeleton.

“That almost made my heart jump out of my chest… if I had one! Yohohoho!”

Celestia wanted to face hoof at the sheer amount of cheese this skeleton was radiating, but this was at least the most… 'entertaining' date she’s ever been on.

The mare who fainted stumbled to her hooves and turned to the pair.

“S-so… nothing to drink?” she asked desperately, as if she wanted the answer to be 'no.'

“Actually,” Brook raised a bony finger, “I’ll have a glass of milk, please.”

“I-is that all?” The mare looked to her princess with a face that said 'please let me get out of here' in big bright neon letters. Celestia only shifted her head to the kitchen doors, and she booked it out of there.

She turned to Brook, who was pouring a glass of wine for the mare.

“Why did you want milk?” she asked the skeleton as he finished pouring her glass.

“Calcium,” he answered simply as he corked the bottle. At this she raised an eyebrow, which he caught.

“Oh, my cook specifically said that his wine is only for the lips of beautiful ladies, and if I had any he would 'kick my shitty ass.' Well, the joke’s on him, I don’t have one! Yohohoho!”

“Oh… I see… calcium?” She remembered his answer to her 'milk' question, and asked him about it.

“For the bones, of course!” Brook said as a different pony brought him a tall glass of milk. “Good bone health and healing!” he said before drinking the glass. Now his bones shined as if they were made of the most brilliant of diamonds. Celestia almost had to shield her eyes from the shine.

“You can heal just from drinking milk?” she asked in wonder of the shining skeleton. He nodded.

“But that’s not all! Look at this!” Brook stood up and walked to the nearest wall, Celestia followed Brook with her eyes.

“Ummm, what are you—" Her question was answered when the skeleton fell forward and put his head on the wall.

“Forty-degrees!” he said with a laugh as his body made a perfect forty-degree angle with the wall. She stared a while before laughing at Brook’s silly display. Some of the ponies laughed with her, others just stared in confusion.

“Well, that’s very impressive, Brook,” she said as he stood back up at full height and walked back to her table. “So, I’ve told you something about myself, what about you?” Celestia asked as he sat back down.

“Well, what do you want to know, my princess?” he asked.

“Oh please, you don’t have to call me that.” Celestia said with a giggle. Though, I don’t mind if you still do.

“Oh, it’s nothing but common courtesy. You are a ruler of a nation.” Brook again reached into his skull and… took out a perfectly hot cup of tea with its own plate out.

I’m not even going to question it.

“So?” he took a sip from his tea cup, “what do you want to know?”

The first thing that popped up in Celestia’s mind was that amazing song she heard at the beginning of the date. “What’s the story behind that wonderful song you sang?” she asked him.

He took another sip of the tea before staying silent for a couple seconds.

“That’s the song I died to,” he said simply.

At hearing this, Celestia’s ears drooped a little, “Oh…I’m sorry that—”

Brook laughed a “Yohohoho!” Celestia looked at him in confusion as he continued to cackle.

“I’m sorry, it’s just been so long since anyone’s asked me that. Well…”

Brook told her of the day the Rumbar Pirates met their end, happily singing while mortally poisoned and critically wounded. He had to watch all of his friends die before he did, and Celestia was amazed that the happy-go-lucky skeleton that sat before her was just that, and not a brooding… well, 'bag of bones' would be the best term.

“Wow I…I’m sorry that happened…but, how’re you alive?” she asked the skeleton as he took yet another sip of tea.

“Well, in our world there are special fruits that grant powers. Mine granted me the ability to revive after dying once, but… there was so much fog where I died that when I finally found my body… It was all bones! Yohohoho!”

“Wow…s o, what happened after you found your body?” Celestia asked.

“Well, I waited for about… fifty years alone on my former pirate ship before I was found by my current crew…”

“You… were alone for fifty years?” she asked.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t that bad. The wait was worth it. I got to meet my second crew, and they’re just so fun to be with! Yohohoho!”

Celestia giggled with her date and finally took a sip from her wine… “My goodness! This wine is amazing!” Celestia stated. This had to be the best wine she's ever had in her life, and that was saying something.

She had her anxiety over dating another pirate, much less another undead person. But this date had been one of the best she’s ever been on. Good music, good company, and good drinks? She had no doubt in her mind that this date would go perfectly.

Discord and Fluttershy were having their weekly tea party. Fluttershy happily recounted her day over a cup of chai as Discord listened and ate a cucumber sandwich.

“And then Angel didn’t complain about his food today at all!” Fluttershy happily stated after a sip of her cup. Discord listened intently, chewing on his sandwich.

“That’s amazing, Fluttershy, I—“ Discord stopped when he felt something powerful emanate from the direction of Canterlot…

My Murphy Senses are tingling….

“Is… something wrong Discord?” Fluttershy asked, looking at the reformed chaos god in concern. He looked towards Fluttershy and smiled.

“Oh, nothing at all Fluttershy… nothing at all.”

Something in the pit of her stomach told Celestia that thinking that thought wasn’t the best idea.

“Is something wrong, Celestia?” Brook asked. She looked at the skeleton and shook her head.

“Oh, it’s nothing, now. Could you tell me about your cre—“

A scream from outside of the restaurant sounded, cutting Celestia off from her sentence. A random pony burst into the establishment in a panic.

“Everypony! Get out of the restaurant! There’s a… a…”

“A what?” a random pony asked from the stands, most of the ponies having already stood up and started moving towards the exit in precaution.

“A… there’s a giant ship heading for the—“

Before the pony could finish his statement, a giant ship blasted through a wall of the restaurant.

No…

Celestia watched in slow motion as a giant lion head burst through the wall, destroying half of the restaurant in one go. On the head of the lion sat a smiling young man wearing a straw hat, red open vest, blue shorts, and a yellow cloth hanging from his waist.

“BROOOOOOOK!” the young, explosive man shouted happily. Others were on the ship as well, hanging on for dear life as the ship finally stopped in the middle of the building.

“Well, Celestia, this is my crew!” Brook pointed to them happily, Celestia’s viewable eye twitched. “I told you they were fun! Yohohohoho!”

“LUFFY!” a bikini top clad woman yelled before she punched this 'Luffy' on the top of the head, a giant lump formed on his skull. “Didn’t I tell you to not to blast us into the island!”

“Owww… sorry.”

The punishment didn’t stop there as a blond haired, swirly-eyed browed man kicked Luffy in the same spot the woman punched him. “You shitty bastard! What If Robin or Nami got hurt because of your stunt!” he yelled. A second lump forming on top of the first.

“Sorry…”

And again, a giant, muscular… reindeer smashed his heavy fist in the exact same spot the other two people hit him. “You bastard! You better not do that again, or I’ll kill you, you hear me!?” the reindeer shouted, and yet another lump formed on Luffy’s head.

“Sorry…”

Not even three hits weren’t enough as a green haired, one eyed man punched him on the exact same spot. “You’re lucky I don’t cut you up, bastard!” he yelled, a tower of four lumps now stood tall on Luffy’s head.

“Sorry...”

And last but not least, an extremely long-nosed, somewhat muscular man wearing a beige hat and suspenders hit him as well... in the same spot as the others. “What part of the word 'mortality' don’t you understand, Luffy!?” he shouted. A record of five lumps were now sitting atop Luffy’s head.

“Sorry…but how else were we going to get away from the navy?”

The what!? Equestria doesn’t have a navy! At least not with our military budget... Celestia thought in panic as ponies were screaming their lungs off in the background. Shouting about meteors, laser beams, robots shooting laser beams with bear hats, collapsing buildings, and magma. Her eyes continued to twitch as she saw her date’s crew beat the living crap out of this 'Luffy' character.

“Hi guys!” Brook said with a “Yohohoho!” added in as he pointed his hand out to Celestia. “This is my date! Isn’t she beautiful? Yohohohoho!”

The blond man looked over to Celestia…

And his angry face completely changed as a giant heart replaced his only visible eye.

“Hellooo, beautiful!” he yelled as he blew kisses and waived towards Celestia, while her eye continued twitching.

“Oi, calm down, Mr.7,” the green haired man said. 'Mr.7’s' face turned back to its previously angry form and turned towards the one-eyed man.

“Who you calling Mr.7, shitty swordsman?” he said in confrontation while challenging him face to face, sparks going between both of their eyes as they glared angrily at each other.

Luffy got out of his smoldering crater no worse for wear and stared at Celestia with stars in his eyes.

“AWESOME!” he yelled. The giant reindeer reverted into a smaller, much cuter form and mimicked the man in his awe, the long nosed man in suspenders also praised Celestia on her 'awesomeness.'

“So, that’s the princess of this land huh...” the bikini clad woman said with a strange adaptation of a dollar sign replacing her eyes. The green haired one eye looked at her in disinterest and sat down near the wall of their ship and started sleeping. The blond haired man continued to compliment her while wearing a very perverted look on his face.

“We’re lucky we didn’t splatter on the side of the mountain,” a black haired woman said simply, getting a stare from the long nosed man.

“Why do you always have to be so negative?” he asked.

Brook turned his attention to Celestia and laughed. “Sorry I have to cut this date short, but we kinda gotta get away. That alright with you?”

Celestia only twitched as she almost reached her breaking point.

“Oi, mystery pony!” the man named Luffy yelled before running towards her. He gave her the brightest smile she ever witnessed and laughed. “We got to get away from the navy, but…

“Do you wanna join my crew?”

She snapped.

The bikini clad woman looked at him in anger. “Idiot! She’s the princess of a nation, of course she wouldn—“

“I wonder how my sister’s date is going?” Luna asked as she looked into her moon from a bean bag chair. There wasn’t any of the usual phone calls to pick her up, or for medical help, or any other indication that her sister’s date went horribly wrong.

Knock, knock.

She looked over to her door. “Is that you sister?” she asked.

“No, Princess, I have an urgent letter from Princess Celestia for you,” a masculine voice said from behind the door.

That’s strange...

Luna got off her bean bag chair and walked towards the door. When she opened it, a guard gave her the note. Luna opened the note and read it in her mind. It wasn’t long, just one sentence and a signature.

Bored of the dating scene, became a pirate.

YOLFO

-Celestia

Oh, okay. Luna closed the letter and sat back down on her bean bag chair. She opened a Mountain Dew and began to drink it…

…

Luna spit all of the Mountain Dew, ruining her bean bag chair as she finally got hit with the letter’s contents.

“WHAT!?” she screamed.

“Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper!” a voice from outside screamed. Luna looked to her moon to see the shadow of a… flying ship being chased by lasers, meteors, magma, and more lasers.

Then she saw it, clear as day... the shadow of a man wearing a straw hat happily riding on the back of her sister.

“Adventure!” he screamed. The back of the ship started to collect a brilliant light… and in a blast of energy, they were gone.

“And Princess,” the guard said to gain her attention, “reports of a volcano erupting, a robot apocalypse, and many lasers destroying Canterlot have been reported.”

“…”

“Princess?” the guard asked as he looked onto her petrified face…

Luna teleported outside and flew towards the ship in desperation.

“Wait for me!”

Author's Notes:

To take a break from all these Doctor Who chapters (and because the Fourth Doctor is taking exceptionally long to write), here's a guest chapter treat for you all to enjoy!

Guest chapter written by the delightfully radiant while at the same time humorous Samurai WAAwee. Go check his stories out, such as Ponies Get Punched if you enjoyed this chapter!

Chapter 34: Fourth In Front

“How did this go so wrong so fast?” Celestia questioned herself. Her answer came in the form of a freaky ball like creature attempting to munch on her face while she repeatedly punched it in its smooth white surface.

“Well, this turned out to be a terrible picnic, now didn’t it?” the Fourth Doctor said. “I say, I was hoping my brain would be a better host to have a spot of tea in, but apparently I was mistaken.”

Celestia threw off the ball creature, but four more quickly took its place. “Doctor, I could use some help here! Do something!”

The Fourth Doctor flipped his impractically long and multi-colored scarf—which looked as if it took over an entire clothing factory’s worth of wool to produce—over his frock coat. Just as he took a step towards her, he ducked as more of his immune system supporters whisked over his head, causing his already unruly mess of curly hairs atop his head to become even more disheveled. “Well, what do you plan for me to do? I can’t really fight myself, now can I?”

With a growl, Celestia headbutted the nearest white orb with her horn, which resulted in a successful defeat as it popped like a balloon. Spinning her head around, Celestia continued popping white orbs left and right, reducing the Doctor’s immune system to scraps.

“Wait, wait, don’t destroy me! We’re still inside my head!” the Doctor said. He grabbed ahold of Celestia’s necklace and dragged her away, while she in turn struggled against his grip.

“It’s not my fault your body decided to attack me!”

“Well, from your behavior thus far, I’m not surprised.”

The Doctor pulled her away from the remaining immune system defenders in the red corridors of his brain, and soon the two managed to escape. Their settings were now a serious of nervous system branches that resembled crystals in a reflective area of the Doctor’s brain.

“Why did I agree to come into your brain for our date?” Celestia asked, more to herself than the Doctor.

“Because you wanted to be marveled by the sophisticated advancement of Gallifreyan brain?” the Doctor said. His endearing smirk sprouted like a blooming flower on his face once again, its most prominent feature being his teeth which could definitely use a spot of brushing. “Or perhaps it was the promise of tea and finger sandwiches?”

Celestia pouted, her muzzle becoming scrunched. “Neither of which I received.”

“Then might you be interested in a jelly baby?” the Doctor asked, presenting a hand full of multi-colored candies in the form of tiny human babies to Celestia.

Arching a brow, Celestia reached down and popped one of the candies in her mouth. Munching on it for several seconds, she blinked. “Wait, these are jelly beans.”

“But in the shape of babies. Isn’t it grand?” The Doctor withdrew another handful from his pocket that seemed to have no end and chewed on the entire lot.

“But then why shape them like babies?”

“I presume it’s because of the human psyche having an uncontrollable urge to consume their young, so they substitute it in the form of candies instead.” Swallowing, the Doctor shrugged. “Or it could be a clever marketing scheme to sell candies.”

Celestia’s left eye twitched, but she finally released an exuberate sigh from her lips. “Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this. Your callous behavior, dark humor, your brooding—which, I might add, is worse than Luna’s, which in itself is quite an achievement—and most of all, your smile! By the gods, your smile!” Celestia shivered just at their mention. “I will personally pay for all the mouthwash and toothpaste you’ll ever need for the rest of your life. Just… please, brush and floss. Please!”

The Doctor put his hands behind his back and kicked at the ground, which was actually a branch of his thought process receptor. “Well, I suppose it would eventually end like this.”

“Well, I’m glad we at least agreed on that—”

“You’re much too prissy and proper for someone like me,” the Doctor interrupted. He held a finger up and tapped it in the air, nodding to himself. “Yes, yes, much too princessy for my likings. I’m more of a ‘free-spirit’ type of immortal adventurer.”

Celestia opened her mouth, thought better of it, and then closed it. “You know what, forget about it. Just get us out of here.”

“Well, we’ll need to exit through the tear duct to accomplish that.” The Doctor hummed under his breath. “And quickly, too. We only have around two more minutes before our clones expire.”

Celestia’s jaw dropped. “Clones? I thought you just shrunk us to get in here!”

“Well, yes, clones. The original you fainted from the process. How do you suppose I got in my own brain in the first place?”

Celestia didn’t even open her mouth this time. She just repeatedly slammed her head against one of the Doctor’s neurol processors.

The Doctor winced just as a light passed through the branch of his brain Celestia was slamming her head against. “Oh, wait, you might want to cease doing that. I think you inadvertently caused my unconscious body to punch someone.”

“...I was laying right next to you on the operating table, wasn’t I?”

“Excellent observation!” the Doctor said, smiling his trademark grin that continued to give Celestia chills up her spine. “How’d you know that?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Intuition from too much experience.”

Author's Notes:

Chapter 35: Eye Five!

“I must say, this is one of the more mellow dates I’ve been on,” Celestia admitted, a confident grin widening on her cheeks as she whacked at her cricket ball with her bat. “I’m hitting balls instead of monsters, aliens, or even… well, the two aren’t exactly as mutually exclusive now that I think about it.”

The Fifth Doctor frowned as he was unsuccessful in catching or even stopping her ball. “You never told me you were any good at cricket.”

Celestia giggled, swinging her cricket bat around at her side with relaxed ease. “When you’re stuck as royalty for for hundreds of years, you pick up a thing or two about the game. What about you, Doctor? If I’m not mistaken, you’re losing right now.”

“Overconfidence shall be your downfall, my dear,” the Fifth said, dribbling on his chin with his fingers. He was dressed to impress for the game itself, wearing less than traditional cricket gear of a cream-colored frock coat and cashmere shirt with ridiculously striped pants. This Doctor had an affinity for question marks on the collar of his shirt and a celery stalk of all things attached to his coat, which Celestia had to resist snacking on upon their first meeting. He was certainly the youngest amongst his incarnations, his face bright with youth and his hair still retaining its blonde color.

Celestia smiled, circling around the Doctor as she took a glance at the dismal turn of the game on the Doctor’s part by the indication of his ever increasing frown. “It isn’t overconfidence when the opponent has none of his own.”

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong, Celestia,” the Doctor said, “for I have the utmost confidence in my ability to excel at this game.”

“Of which I’m losing at.”

“Of which I am temporarily losing at.”

Celestia giggled again, staring up at her surroundings. They were in an open field, the skies covered in clouds yet did not appear dreary, while mountain ranges could be seen in the distance. A few trees yielding no leaves could be spotted, along with outcroppings of rocks and even a nearby abandoned castle.

“So, why do you call this place the Eye of Orion?” she asked.

“Well, it’s the eye of tranquility, for starters. The Orion part can be likened to the reason of its planetary position or something along those lines,” he answered, leaning on his cricket bat.

“It’s just so peaceful here. Like all my troubles are melting away.” Celestia sighed, taking in a deep breath of air while closing her eyes. “Fresh air, cool breezes, I just can’t believe it. It’s like any problem I’ve been having just disappears.” Taking another deep breath, Celestia grin widened. “Ah, just smell that… gasoline?”

“I do believe that’s dangerous to do, my dear,” the Doctor said with a chuckle.

Celestia shook her head and opened her eyes, glancing over her shoulder. “No, I smell gasoline. I remember that the scent comes from cars. But there shouldn’t be any here, shouldn’t there?”

The Doctor tugged on his color and was about to reply when a tractor appeared climbing up the hill with a very displeased rider sporting a bushy mustache that had stolen all the hair from atop his head.

“Hey, you bunch of wankers, get off my private property!” the man yelled, his voice thicker than even the most prudish of stallions from Stalliongrad. “Shod off before I get the constable on your arses!”

“Doctor…” Celestia said.

“Okay… I may have been untruthful just a smidge about this being the Eye of Orion.” The Doctor shrugged, kicking his foot into the dirt. “It’s actually just Wales on a wet weekend. Which is actually just every weekend. And every day.”

Celestia held back a groan, sighed, then rubbed at her muzzle. “Any particular reason for deceiving me?”

The Doctor gave her a half-hearted grin and showed her a coin in between his fingers. “Coin toss. I’m having navigational troubles with the TARDIS and Wales was the only option. It was either tell you the truth or tell you a very convincing lie. Of course, cricket was attached to both proposals.”

“You let a coin toss decide what you do?”

The Doctor shrugged again. “You can’t really expect me to decide, now can you? When I am plagued by indecision, a simple coin toss is the best solution to any problem.”

Celestia opened her mouth, but then closed it as her eyes slowly widened. “Wait a second… that could be just what I’m looking for!”

The Doctor blinked. “It is?”

“Every decision I make so far has usually ended me in a variety of horrible events. But if I had a coin to blame, that’d curb my alcohol problems for sure!”

“I don’t really think that’s the wisest decision to make…”

“Hey, are you two gonna shod off or what?” the portly man atop the tractor asked.

The Doctor pointed to Celestia. “You don’t even care there’s a talking unicorn with wings here?”

“I’ve seen stranger stuff happen with the sheep after a couple drinks at the local pub.”

The Doctor nodded, tossing his coin nonchalantly in the air. “Oh right, I nearly forgot, you’re a Welsh.”

With a sneaky swipe, Celestia grabbed ahold of the Doctor’s coin. Laughing maniacally to herself as the last traces of her mind broke again (gluing them back together was becoming more and more taxing each time), Celestia held the coin up in the air in victory. “Finally, all the awful decisions in the world shall no longer be my problem!” Flipping the coin up in the air, Celestia said, “Heads I continue this date, tails I use my own time traveling device to beat a hasty retreat!”

It landed on tails.

“Now, please, there’s no need to—” the Doctor shielded his eyes, blinking rapidly when he realized Celestia was no longer where she had previously stood. The Welshman, of course, was barely retaining his consciousness and paid no mind to anything that was going on.

The Doctor returned his hands to his pockets and sighed. “Well, there goes my coin. And my date. And my game of cricket.” Looking up at the eternally grey sky, he asked, “Could this get any worse?”

Looking down abruptly, he grimaced. “Actually, could this get any worse for Celestia? She still hadn’t changed the time parameters to her device, which means prehistoric age again. You think by now she would've learned.”

Author's Notes:

I know nothing about cricket and it is a boring game. That is all.

Chapter 36: The Sixth Is... Well, Slimy

Luna remained silent. Her eyes traveled all across the room, except for one place in particular. Well, person in particular. And if we want to get even more particular than that, it was Celestia.

“So… how was your date?” Luna asked.

Celestia didn’t even bother glancing at Luna. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Luna nodded. Licking her lips and clearing out her throat slightly, Luna said, “You’re not even going to tell me how… that happened?” Luna waved a hoof at Celestia, clearly indicating her sister’s appearance.

Celestia stared down at her hooves. They were completely covered in slime. Along with the rest of her body. Sticky, cold, disgusting slime. Not an inch of her skin wasn’t drenched by the stuff.

“Slug planet,” Celestia said simply.

“Why would the Doctor take you to a slug planet?”

Celestia frowned, her eyes briefly lighting up with the menacing flare of rage for a moment. “He’s a bastard, that’s why.”

An uncomfortable silence stretched out before the two princesses, all the while a pool of slime forming around Celestia on her bedroom floor. Finally, it was Luna who broke the quiet stillness in the room by saying, “How about I draw you up a bath?”

Celestia nodded, an ever so tiny smile spreading on her lips. “That’d be appreciated.”

Luna went to exit Celestia’s room, but stopped at the door. Checking over her shoulder, Luna asked, “Sorry if I’m still being a bother, dear sister, but what befell of the Doctor after your date went so… well, bad sounds like underplaying the events.”

The smile on Celestia’s face grew wider. “Oh, don’t worry about that, Luna. The Sixth and I left on good terms. The Seventh can surely attest to that.”

“Seventh Doctor?”

“Oh, he’ll be my date for the next evening, but we already met briefly on my last date.”

Luna stood at Celestia’s doorway for several seconds, but eventually shrugged and exited the room. “I hope that one at least goes better than the last one.”

Celestia rubbed her slime-coated hooves together, her devious grin never leaving her face. “Oh, I can assure you of that, dear sister. Yes indeed…” Celestia glanced down at her slimey hooves and grimaced. “Oh geez, now I fit the bill for a slimy politician right down to the appearance and implications. Stupid Sixth Doctor and his even stupider umbrella. That didn’t stop the slime at all.”

Author's Notes:

Don't fret, for he Sixth Doctor shall be revealed in his full glory soon enough!

Chapter 37: Intermissions Are Magic

“Strange…”

Solaire looked up from his cards. “When you say that, it can’t be good.”

Deadpool shrugged. “I mean, I feel like there’s something missing here.” He looked around. The two of them were in Luna’s room, sitting at her table, which was covered in half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew and cheetos. Even more junk and trash covered the floors, while the flat screen tv hanging against the far wall remained perfectly clean. “Something important…”

“Could it be that Mistress Luna and Mistress Celestia aren’t present?” Solaire asked.

Deadpool snapped his fingers and nodded. “That’s it. We haven’t seen them in forever. Celestia particularly.” Deadpool slapped a palm against his forehead. “Jeez, I’m supposed to be winning her heart, and look at me now. I’m playing Pokemon cards!”

Solaire looked back down to his cards. “Wait a second, these are Yugioh cards.”

Deadpool flipped the table over, Magic the Gathering cards flying all across the room. “Forget the game! We need to find the princesses! My sudden compulsion demands it!”

“I believe Mistress Twilight may be visiting later,” Solaire said, disregarding the My Little Pony Collectible Cards scattered at his feet.

Deadpool turned on his heel and pointed an accusing finger right at Solaire’s face. “Oh, and another thing, what’s with you and Twilight hooking up all of the sudden?”

Solaire was taken aback, quite dramatically at that. “Mistress Twilight and I? Don’t be ridiculous, Deadpool, there’s nothing going on between the fair lady or I. We are merely companions with similar interests that hang out together over coffee, this neat Prench restaurant down the corner, and at the movies.”

“You went to the movies without me?”

“Well, Mistress Twilight wanted to see that new Guardians of the Galaxy film and thought it was befitting I would accompany her. Though, why it was only the two of us I’m still not—”

“YOU WENT TO SEE GUARDIANS OF THE FREAKING GALAXY WITHOUT ME?” Deadpool threw his hands on Solaire’s shoulders and hung onto them as his body sagged to the ground. “Why, Solaire, why? I thought we were bros.”

“But Mistress Twilight—”

“Homies before ponies! That’s bro-code rule numero uno!” Deadpool got back to his feet, holding a hand against his forehead and sighing deeply. “Okay, look, I can fix this. First off, find out where Celestia and Luna are and kick off my princess-swooing efforts to a hundred and twenty-eight percent. Then, break up whatever thing you have with Twilight.”

“We don’t even have a thing!”

Deadpool turned to Solaire. “By God, it’s worse than I thought. You don’t even know.”

Solaire arched a brow, the expression pretty much loss because of his helmet. “Know what?”

“She tricked you into a relationship. Hell, she did it so slyly you don’t even know about it. You’re so deep into it you’ve used denial, probably part of her conniving scheme as well.” Deadpool rubbed his chin. “I must learn her secrets.”

“But… I… we…” Solaire slouched, rubbing a hand against his helmet. “Killing demons is much easier than trying to figure out relationships.”

“Both mostly end in bloodshed anyway, so not much of a difference for me,” Deadpool said. His head turned suddenly, a hand held against his eardrum as he turned towards Luna’s open door to the hallway.

“Deadpool! Solaire! I’ve dropped down for a visit!” Twilight’s voice echoed down the halls, the sound of her trotting hooves approaching closer. “I brought donuts for you two!”

Deadpool withdrew a katana from the sheath attached to his back. “Ah, here approaches the bloodshed part right now.”

“What?!” Solaire said. However, it was too late for Deadpool to hear this outburst, on account that he was too busy racing down the hallway with his katana pointed at Twilight’s neck.

Twilight trotted with a lively step in her hoof down the hallway without a care in the world, holding a paper bag full of donuts in her magic. The tune of a hum died in her throat when she noticed Deadpool rushing towards her, the glint of his katana blade catching her eye.

Solaire bounded out the door of Luna’s room, his sword drawn. He smashed against the opposite wall due to his momentum, but he didn’t let it hinder him from running down the hallway as fast as he could. “Mistress Twilight, look out, Deadpool’s go—” Solaire’s running soon changed to a slow jog and finally a stop.

Deadpool looked up from the pile of donuts on the floor, the paper bag cut in two. The unmasked part of his face was covered in jelly filling, chocolate cream, and white powdered sugar-dust. Gulping down a large mouthful of the sugary snacks, he said, “Whoa, dude, just chill. I was gonna save you one.”

Solaire raised his hand just as Deadpool threw a donut at him. Looking down at it, Solaire said, “You only saved me the glazed one…”

“Be thankful I’m on a diet,” Deadpool said, licking the last traces of sugary delight from his cancer-scarred lips.

“I really wish you wouldn’t surprise me like that,” Twilight said, her hoof still stuck over her beating heart.

“And I wish you wouldn’t trick one of my friends into a relationship for your own devious needs.” Deadpool crouched onto his knees and narrowed his eye-slits at Twilight. “I’m onto you, you deceiving purple menace.”

“Deadpool, there is nothing going on between Mistress Twilight and myself!” Solaire shouted.

Twilight’s ears drooped. “There… there isn’t?”

Solaire blinked. His sword’s tip touched the floor. “I… erm, I only assumed that we… weren’t… an item.”

“But… I thought that we had something.” Twilight’s eyes moved to the floor, her voice dropping lower. “That you even liked me.”

“I-I…” Solaire stammered, “I just don’t know.”

Deadpool stood up straight dusted off his hands together. “Well, my work here is done.” Poking Twilight in the side with his foot, he asked, “Yo, Twily, you know where Celestia and Luna vamoosed off to?”

Twilight rubbed a hoof against her eye. “She… she said something about a date with her and the Doctor.”

“Damnit, there’s gotta be at least fifteen of those guys. Did you happen to catch which one she said she was with?”

“I think… the Eighth?”

“Wait a second, what about the Seventh?” Solaire asked. “Her next date was supposed to be with him.”

Twilight shrugged, her lip no longer quivering. “All she told me was that her next date was with the Eighth Doctor. She never said anything about a Seventh.”

“Ah, so a mystery it is! Good thing I’m properly prepared!” Deadpool blew some bubbles out of his pipe, adjusting the detective's hat atop his head. “Deadpool is on the case!”

“Where did you even get the hat and pipe?” Twilight asked.

Deadpool winked. “I learned from the best.”

“Me?”

“Oh, please, don’t sell yourself short,” Deadpool said, rolling his eyes. “I learned how to be a detective from Sherlock Holmes. Well, his show, anyway.”

“He has a show?” Solaire asked.

“Yeah. Luna watches it all the time on Netflix.”

Twilight thumped a hoof against her face. “Deadpool, that’s Sherlock, the tv show. That’s an adaptation of the original Sherlock Holmes stories.” She opened an eye behind her hoof. “Wait, if you’re talking about the tv show, why do you have a pipe and detective’s hat?”

“Because, my dear Watson—”

“Don’t call me that.”

“—it looks bitchin’.”

Twilight managed to facehoof again using her other hoof, while Solaire merely shrugged, nodding a bit.

“I have to admit indeed is it bitchin’.”

“Now then,” Deadpool said, pulling out a magnifying glass from one of his endless amount of pockets, “we have a case to solve and a date to ruin. One will probably cause the other, so I’m not too particular about. Now, Watson, to the Deadpoolmobile!”

“I thought I told you not to call me that.”

“You have a mobile named after you?” Solaire asked.

“You bet your collective asses I do,” Deadpool said, jingling some keys. “Got it from a used car salesman off of eBay. Half-price too, because about half of it was full of holes and the other half covered in a suspicious liquid that leaves a stain that cannot be removed.” Deadpool smiled. “Plus, it has racing stripes. How cool is that?”

At the rate Twilight was slapping her face with her hooves, she was going to knock some teeth out.

“I call shotgun!” Solaire said.

“This is going to end so badly,” Twilight muttered.

Deadpool patted her against her shoulder. “And that, Watson, is why you get the back seat. Where the stains are the greatest.”

“Oh, come on!”

Chapter 38: Intermissions The Second

“Strange…”

Solaire slammed the back of his helmet against the stone confines of their cell. “Oh please, not again!”

“What?”

Twilight sighed. “Deadpool, shut up.”

Deadpool glanced at Twilight, his veiled eyes bulging out. “Shut up? Shut up!? That’s hardly something you say to a dear and near friend of yours, Twilight. I am expecting a friendship letter about this by the end of the day.”

Twilight scowled at him, her hooves unfortunately bound together to prevent her from strangling him. Or punching. Or at least kicking him in the groin.

“Deadpool, you’re definitely not dear to me from what you’ve put me through, you’re only near to me because you were chained up right next to me, and I don’t even know if we’ll be alive at the end of the day for me to write a friendship letter!”

A few second’s pause followed this rant, which was soon unmercifully broken by Deadpool. “So I am getting that friendship letter!”

Solaire tugged useless at his iron cuffs that were chained to the back wall. Similar conditions had befallen Twilight and Deadpool, all three of them chained in a dim holding cell.

“How did we even end up here?” Solaire asked. “Everything was a blur.”

“Yeah, time travel usually does that,” Deadpool said, “along with fuzziness, nausea, seizures, internal bleeding, and kidney stones.”

“All I remember was that we stepped into that… ugh.” Twilight shook her head and shivered. “That portapotty time travel machine you use. Which, I might add, has never been emptied.”

“And then we ended up in this cell and shackles when everything went black.” Solaire leaned against his shackles, a low growl traveling up his throat. “Agh, I feel useless! Give me an enemy to fight with my companions! That’s fair! Being chained up… it’s despicable.”

“Well, bad news is that there’s no getting out of here.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I kinda guessed that already, Deadpool. Something is preventing me from using magic.”

“And these shackles are tightened too much for me to break my wrist and fingers to slip them through.” A couple of pops followed this statement, along with a breaking noise or two that sounded similar to a snapping twig. “Yup, didn’t work.”

“You could have just tried it out with one hand you know!” Twilight belittled him.

“Go big or go home, that’s what I say,” Deadpool said.

A coarse laugh followed Deadpool’s words. A few steps could be heard in the shadows directly before the trio, until a figure appeared out of the darkness.

“Oh, I could not agree more,” the figure said, finally appearing in the low illumination. He was a lanky man, his skin pale to an almost sickly degree. He wore a strange black cap that covered much of his head and sideburns. He wore what could only be described as a futuristic parish outfit, or better yet, a funeral home director’s mourning suit. The darkness appeared to stick to him like a second skin, his shadow almost alive as it danced around his feet. A smile that felt like it was from a ghost touched his lips, though it neither brightened nor warmed his face.

“What strange apparition is this?” Solaire questioned.

Twilight gulped, her throat drying more and more the closer the dark stranger approached. “I think that’s our kidnapper.”

Deadpool leaned forward, his eyes scowling. “Wait a second…”

The stranger raised his from within the hem of his long flowing black robes. “Indeed, it is I who snatched you from your own dimension once you entered your time traveling device. For you see, I—”

“You’re the guy who sold me that portapotty on craigslist!” Deadpool shouted.

“Wait, I thought you got it from Amazon?” Solaire said.

Twilight shook her head. “No, that’s where he got those explosions that one time, remember?”

“I recall that being eBay.”

“Wait, no, that could have been the craigslist one.”

“Then what did he get from Amazon?”

“How should I know? Deadpool doesn’t even have Amazon Prime,” Twilight said. “Which I kept on reminding him to get if he wanted to save money, but he’d never listen.”

“I mean, why should he? What’s the benefit of Amazon Prime? Seems like a ripoff of good souls to me.”

“Oh, please, you are your souls! They don’t even accept souls on Amazon! Although on eBay I’m pretty sure they do.”

Deadpool groaned, smashing the back of his skull against the cell wall. “Okay, I was wrong. You two were made for each other. The ship has set sail and I was blind to see it!”

“There’s a ship?” Solaire asked.

A cough interrupted the group’s bickering, returning their attention back to the stranger before them.

“Now, as I was saying—”

“You ripped me off on that portapotty time machine,” Deadpool interrupted him. “It couldn’t even go back to the eighties! How else was I going to go drinking with Iron Man before he sobered up and became lame?”

The stranger’s eyes flickered with anger momentarily, but his gaze soon returned with the chill from before. “Interrupt me again, and I’ll send you back to when the dinosaurs went extinct. Directly in the center of where the crater shall be.”

“Do I at least get to hang out with the Flinstones before the whole crater thing?”

“Deadpool, shut up!” both Twilight and Solaire said.

The stranger smiled again, his grin never reaching his eyes. “Your friends are blessed with wisdom that is above you, Deadpool. And yes, I am indeed the salesman of the time machine you temporarily had in your possession before I… requisitioned it.”

Deadpool pulled at his shackles, attempting to jump at the bars. “Bullshit! Craigslist has no taksies-backsies!”

“The Valeyard does not follow the rules of craigslist,” the Valeyard—apparently—said. “And neither the rules of man or any other creature in this universe or any other.”

“Then why have you kidnapped us and trapped us here?” Twilight asked.

“So you do not interfere with my plans. You three are the variable that can throw my entire life’s work awry, and we couldn’t have that, now can we?” The Valeyard put his hands behind his back, puffing up his chest. “And because of this, you must be eliminated.”

“If we were to be eliminated, you would have done it already,” Solaire said.

The Valeyard nodded. “Correct. But that would skew the plans off even more, and the results would prove unfavorable to my odds.”

Twilight frowned. “And what exactly are those odds?”

“Why, Celestia finally getting a successful date for once.”

“You fiend!” Deadpool proclaimed, kicking at empty air right before the Valeyard. “You monster! You despicable animal! This shall not stand!”

The Valeyard laughed, his voice as icy as his appearance. “Complain all you want, it matters little to me. You three shall still prove useful to me. And once you aren’t, you’ll be disposed of.”

“You’ll never get away with this!” Solaire said. “It’s impossible for Mistress Celestia to have a good date!”

The Valeyard arched a brow. “And why do you believe this is true?”

“Buddy, we’ve gone through this situation nearly fifty times already. It’s gone beyond tedious to the point of mediocre expectation,” Deadpool said. “Heck, I’ve ruined a good number of them, so I’ve become the leading expert in this field.”

The Valeyard barked out a laugh. “On the contraire, Deadpool, I’m years ahead of you in study. I have been observing all of Celestia’s dates, right from the beginning, preparing myself for the time it shall be me who courts the princess!”

“But… Celestia is dating the Doctor now. I mean, at least another one of his versions.” Twilight tilted her head and stared at the Valeyard. “How exactly shall you court her?”

“When it is my turn, of course,” the Valeyard said, his devious grin widening. “And believe me when I say it won’t take long.”

“Your turn?” Solaire asked. “But Celestia is still deciding which of the Doctor’s many incarnations she shall be with. How exactly will your turn come up?”

The Valeyard opened his mouth, but was cut off once more from Deadpool, who was whining like a tantrum-prone toddler.

Deadpool groaned, repeatedly banging his head against the wall until his skull started fracturing into his brain. “Oh God, just get on with it! The secret isn’t even interesting or surprising!”

The Valeyard growled underneath his breath. “You see, my dear, I am one of the Doctor’s incarnations!”

“See, I was right!” Deadpool said.

“I am the last one, and true incarnation of the Doctor’s dark side he had carried upon his shoulder for hundreds of years! And by sabotaging my earlier incarnations’ chances, I assure that I shall succeed in the quest for the princess’ hand!”

“Hoof!” Deadpool corrected.

“It matters not!” the Valeyard said, dismissing Deadpool with a wave of his hand. He turned to exit, the edge of his robe brushing against the floor. “Once Celestia is mine, the power to change the entire universe and all universes shall be in my hands. And as for you three, your lives shall be burned away along with so many others in the new order I shall establish from the ashes of time and space.”

As the Valeyard left the trio alone, a heavy silence weighed down on the shoulders of the group.

“Well,” Deadpool said, “he is definitely going to get a bad review outta me, let me tell ya.”

A collective sigh from Solaire and Twilight filled the cell immediately after this.

Chapter 39: Seven Ain't That Lucky

“WORST. DATE. EVER!”

The Seventh Doctor ducked his head, narrowly avoiding a swipe that could have decapitated him while also keeping his hat close to his skull with a hasty hand.

“Well, no need to say that, my dear. I’m sure you’ve had worse,” he said with a faint Scottish accent as opposed to his usual English one. Or at least that’s all Celestia could tell. For her all those weird northern accents sounded the same to her.

“Yes,” she said, activating the magic of her horn and blasting one of her attackers away, “probably. Maybe. Most likely. But none with clowns!”

One of said clowns jumped at her with a maniacal grin clear on his face. A face that soon melted off to reveal circuitry and a metal skeleton underneath once Celestia fired another laser blast at it.

“Robot clowns, I might add.”

“Actually, I do believe they’re androids.” The Seventh Doctor grunted, attempting to hold back one of these android/robot clowns from ripping his face off with its mad grin by keeping it at bay with his question mark umbrella.

This incarnation wore a light brown tweed jacket, a ridiculously patterned waistcoat and an equally absurdly patterned tie. There was also that odd fascination with those question marks again, although ironically enough Celestia didn’t try to question it. If he wanted to have question marks stitched all over his shirt, that’s his decision. This Doctor also wore a light yellow hat he never seems to take off… perhaps to hide his greying hair or even a bald spot, she couldn’t tell. Other than that, this was by far the most portly Doctor she had ever met, although this one had a humorous yet sad gleam in his eyes that wouldn’t be so confusing if it wasn’t so off putting.

Celestia held back a scream when one of the nightmarish visitations of her worst nightmares tried to tackle her. Colored costume fabric quickly burned to ash as the robot exploded in a shower of flames from another blast of her laser magic. “I don’t care what they are, just help me get rid of them!”

The Seventh Doctor backpedaled, having thrown his attacker off with the cost of great damage to his umbrella. “Violence is hardly the answer.” The Doctor glanced at her, a childish grin growing on his face. “Besides, this is ‘The Greatest Show in the Galaxy’! You should be enjoying yourself!”

Celestia ripped off the head of another robot clown and used its still chomping face to beat the head off another one nearby her. “How is fighting for my life supposed to be enjoyment?”

“Well, truthfully the entire crazed robot uprising to kill us part I hadn’t really planned for.” The Doctor stepped to the side, a robot clown running past him with its arms outreached. He deftly tripped the psychotic robot, allowing Celestia a chance to blast it to cinders with her magic. “I think I may have miscalculated.”

“Miscalculated?” Celestia asked, practically at the top of her lungs. A robot had taken a good swing at her, resulting in a black eye for her and a missing head for the robot.

“Well, essentially the robots should never have become deranged killers like this. Not after the last time I dealt with them.” The Doctor hummed to himself and tapped his chin, stepping to the side so that Celestia’s laser blast could vaporize a robot about to strike him down. “Personally, I always found circuses to be a little… sinister, but for a date such as yourself I thought it’d be great fun.”

“Then you thought wrong, you strange little weirdo!” Celestia was now using the arm of a robot to keep the others at bay, breaking circuitry and metallic limbs with every swing she took. But sooner or later she would fall, and that was all the robots needed to use Celestia’s head to spin dishes off her horn. “Just get us outta here!”

“Fools rush in where horses fear to drink, my dear,” the Doctor said, a small smirk on his lips.

“Was that a racist joke?!”

“Erm…” The Doctor glanced at the TARDIS across the room, currently untouched by the small robot army attacking them in the center of the demented circus of slaughter. “The TARDIS is currently set-course for the English country-side during the twentieth century. Which for horses, especially cute white ones, isn’t the best time period to take a stroll in. Although I did take the liberties to adjust your time-traveling apparatus like you asked me to to allow you safe travel to a time period that isn’t in the prehistoric era.”

Celestia turned all the clowns around her into hot, melting goo. Staring at her wristwatch/time traveling device/bane of her existence, Celestia sighed in relief. “Oh, finally, I can get out of here! Thanks for the freakiest date I’ve ever had, Doctor, it wasn’t nice knowing you!”

Slapping a hoof on her device, Celestia disappeared in a flash of blue light, leaving the Doctor with the last remaining robots… who were currently malfunctioning and sparking profusely due to Celestia beating them over and over again with a dismembered arm.

The Doctor poked one of these fallen robots with the end of his umbrella and sighed. “Bothersome. Truly bothersome. And here I thought we really hit it off when Six was involved. Though I do suppose that’s because even the worst are made into shining examples of the best when compared to that incarnation. Still, the date certainly ended on an unexpectedly bad note.”

The Doctor strolled nonchalantly back to the TARDIS with a hop in his step. “Well, I hope Celestia likes the Dark Ages. Strange why they called it that, since from my perspective it never really was darker than any other age. Or, actually, that could be the Ice Age. That certainly was quite dark.”

The Doctor slowed down to a complete stop. “Wait… then where did I send her to then?” After a few minutes he simply shrugged, entering his TARDIS while whistling a pleasant tune. “Ah, I’m sure she’ll be fine with whatever time she’s sent to. She’s as fit as trombone if I ever heard one play.”

Chapter 40: Eighth Isn't So Bad

“Please, please, please! Take me back!”

“Oh for the love of God… get off my lawn already!”

“Please, sweetheart, you know you love me! Think about how well we’ll work together!”

“For the last time, Doctor, get off my lawn or else I’m calling the police!”

“But look!” the Eighth Doctor said, pointing to Celestia with a thumb over his shoulder. She refused to smile and merely covered her face with a hoof in shame. “I have Hasbro’s top marketing gimmick with me. Doesn’t that mean anything, Stevey?”

Steven Moffat sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “No, Doctor, I won’t do another special. You already had your chance,” the middle-aged man said in a thick Scottish accent.

The Eighth Doctor fell to his knees at the doorstep of Moffat’s home, clasping his hands together in a begging position. Out of all the Doctors thus far he appeared the most youthful and jubilant, though his wardrobe reminded Celestia of a human from the nineteenth century who hadn’t gotten with the times. He was all silk and dark colors with the occasional spot white from his undershirt. Overall a more drab and dreary appearance than his earlier incarnations who were making a big show at being the most colorful and fantastical, though Celestia couldn’t tell whether this change was good or bad.

“Just give me another! Please, I need this! The audiobooks and graphic novels aren’t going to keep me going forever!” the Eighth Doctor said, his voice now pleading. “You just can’t leave me hanging here!”

“What about me?” Celestia called out, leaning against the TARDIS.

The Doctor gave her a dismissive glance and snorted. “You have at least five good seasons in you. I have nothing, missy, nothing!”

Celestia sighed and rubbed a hoof across her face. “This might be the most pathetic date I’ve ever been on.”

The Doctor fell to his chest, beating a fist against the ground beside Moffat’s foot, sobbing uncontrollably. “Please, give me another 50th special! Anything at all! I’ll even make out with the Eleventh. Heaven knows the fangirls would shower you in money and wet panties if that happened!”

“Wait, yeah, this is definitely the most pathetic date I’ve ever been on. And that’s saying something.”

Moffat shoved the Doctor aside with the tip of his shoe. “Doctor, it just isn’t going to happen. When the 75th anniversary special comes around, maybe, but not now. Not like this.” Moffat closed his door shut with a slam, leaving the Doctor curled up on his front porch, still sobbing.

Celestia tiptoed closer to the Doctor, rubbing the back of her neck while not staring directly at him. “So yeeeeeah, I know this isn’t the best time. Crushed dreams and all that. But I’m gonna… hit the road right now.”

The Doctor got back to his feet, no worse for the wear. Withdrawing a chained pocket watch from his coat, he asked, “Really, my dear? We could probably stop off at Russell Davies’ or Neil Gaiman’s place and have them concoct something for me. Plus, with you along for the trip, there’s no way I could possibly fail!”

The note of desperation in his voice nearly made Celestia pity him, before she realized that she was the one who was normally the pitiful one.

“No… no, I think you’ll have a much more enjoyable time without me. Plus, I finally got my wristwatch time traveling device working properly, so I don’t need to be your stick in the mud.”

Celestia glanced at her hoof where the time traveling device normally clung to her foreleg, but was surprised to see nothing was there. Looking to the Doctor, she noticed he had it hanging from his fingertips, studying it with a mild interest.

“Ah, so that’s what this strange contraption is.” He rotated it in his hands, humming under his breath. “Definitely would’ve been useful for me a while back, that’s for sure.”

With a growl Celestia swiped the device out of his hands and attached it back to her hoof. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go around pickpocketing my stuff, Doctor.”

“Well, first off, you don’t have pockets—”

“You’d be surprised.”

“I am already. Secondly, it was on your wrist—erm, hoof. So really, it was wristpocketing… or hoofpocketing. Perhaps even horsepocketing.” The Doctor let out a short laugh like a cough. “Although I do suppose in this case it could be called ponypocketing, or maybe even the more correct term of alicornpocketing. What do you think, Cele—”

Celestia was nowhere to be seen, an empty spot where she had just stood.

The Doctor snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah, that’s where my rambling was leading me. I was just about to mention I had been fiddling with the device before she swiped it and may have accidentally reset the destination for the time travel location.”

The Doctor rubbed his chin, frowning slightly. “I do hope I didn’t accidentally send her to a bad-off time period. By my calculations, she’s either in the middle of a war during Genghis Khan’s raiding of Mongolia and China, or the late Jurassic period.” The Doctor stopped, arching a brow suddenly. “Actually, now that I think about it, weren’t there two alicorns in the TARDIS last time I checked?”

Author's Notes:

The plot thickens, like a custard. Mmmmmm, custard.

Chapter 41: Intermissions Are Commonplace Now

The cell door opened, and in hurtled Luna with a bounce, grunt, and abnormally large bruise on her forehead when her noggin collided with the wall. Immediately the shackles attached to the wall’s surface snapped onto her hooves, preventing her from escaping or fighting back.

“Oh hey, Luna’s in the house!” Deadpool cheered. “A prison cell party ain’t a prison cell party ‘til Luna gets in the—”

“Deadpool, shut up!” Twilight said, the urge to slap her hoof across her face in a physical visualization of disappointment and irritation growing by the second.

Deadpool kicked his feet against the wall, his head drooping down low. “Aww, but there’s nothing else to do in here! It’s like watching through a commercial break during a movie marathon, except we’re the commercial!”

“Mistress Luna, what are you doing here in this insufferable place?” Solaire asked.

The Valeyard laughed from the other side of the bars, right in tune with the typical villain cue. “That would be my doing. She was another unwanted variable that could have ruined my plan. But now she is a prisoner, along with the rest of you. And she, like the rest, shall be used so that I can achieve my ultimate goal!”

“Immortality!” Deadpool said, holding a finger up. “It’s to acquire immortality, isn’t it?”

The Valeyard’s triumphant grin fell, replaced with an annoyed frown instead. “No, that’d be a mute point, since I am already immortal.”

Deadpool snapped his fingers, most of which were still broken. “Then it’s to achieve mastery over traveling across space and time, isn’t it?”

“No, I already have th—”

“No, no, wait, I got it!” Deadpool said. “You want a pony!”

Growling under his breath, the Valeyard turned away from the group and trudged off into the darkness, leaving the trio alone with the princess newcomer.

Twilight, who was nearest to Luna, nudged her with her hoof. “Princess Luna. Are you alright? Can you hear us?”

Luna grumbled, her eyes fluttering opened and closed a few times. Her large lump atop her head was practically pulsating.

“Mistress Luna,” Solaire said, an edge of worry in his voice, “please, answer us. A cranial injury can lead to nasty side effects if left unchecked.”

Again Luna’s eyes fluttered, and more incoherent babbling could be heard in a faint whisper from her lips.

“Yo, Luna, is it alright if I borrow your toaster and curling iron again?” Deadpool asked.

Luna’s eyes snapped open and she screamed at the top of her lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” She blinked several times, swinging her head left and right to scan her surroundings, only to wince and regret it immediately when her head started pounding like Celestia smacking and snacking down on some poundcakes. “Ouch, my freaking head! What happened?”

“You tell us, moonpiebutt.” Deadpool glanced at the shocked faces all staring at him—well, for Solaire, Deadpool could only guess he was shocked since that damned helmet of his hid everything—and shrugged. “What? It’s my pet name for her. Like how she calls me poolie-wooliekens.”

“I have never called you that!”

“Great, your memory isn’t shot then!” Twilight said. “Quick, tell us anything else you can recall!”

Luna cringed, gritting her teeth. “Ugh. It’s all coming back in a blur. Like… like I can’t really collect the memories together. My head’s been scrambled like a puzzle.”

“Oh, don’t tell me it’s one of polar bear puzzles you have to do.” Deadpool sighed, shaking his head. “Those take forever to complete! You know how hard it is to put together a puzzle when all the pieces are white? Do you?!”

“That sounds similar to how we ended up in this insufferable place with even more insufferable inhabitants,” Solaire said. “Do you have an recollection at all of the events prior to your kidnapping?”

“Well… I was curious as to why my sister’s dates with the Doctor kept on failing. I mean, her screwing up a date isn’t exactly a rare occasion, but so many with who is essentially the same guy deep down? It didn’t sit well.” Luna frowned, the gears in her mind now freshly oiled. “In fact, I started growing suspicious after she mentioned her date with the Sixth Doctor. However, she never mentioned going on a date with the Seventh Doctor, instead telling me she was immediately heading out with the Eighth. I decided to follow them, and sneaked aboard the TARDIS, only telling Twilight what I did. I didn’t think my sister spotted me, however, I think the Doctor may have noticed me. Why he didn’t confront me about it, I’ll never know.”

“Then how did you end up here?” Twilight asked.

Luna nodded slowly, wetting her dry lips. “Well… that’s the interesting part. I don’t know. All I remember was that someone opened the TARDIS doors. I glanced up from my hiding place. Then… nothing.”

“Then it’s a good thing Detective Deadpool is on the case!” Deadpool decreed, his strange detective brand hat back on his head.

Luna arched a brow. “Where did you get that hat?”

“Better question is… how did you free yourself?” Twilight asked, finally noticing Deadpool’s feet were touching the floor.

Deadpool turned to her, revealing the broken bone and torn muscle of his dismembered arm, the rest a bloody stump on his shoulder while the limb remained chained to the wall.

“Oh, easy. Since I couldn’t slip my fingers through the shackles, I cut the middleman and just tore off my arm. Easier to do than you’d think.”

“That was… disturbing. Even for me,” Solaire said, queasiness clear in his voice.

“Then prepare to be disturbed by the disturbing sight of disturbance some more, Sunny-boy,” Deadpool said, faint cracks sounding from his other shoulder. “Because I still have another one of these bad boys to rip off before I’m truly freed.”

“Just how do you plan to help us break out when you don’t even have any arms?” Luna asked. She and Twilight quickly turned their heads and tried their hardest to ignore the grisly operation going on before them. They were failing. Horribly.

“Oh, don’t worry, my limbs will grow back. Eventually.” A tearing sound could be heard, kind of what you’d imagine a wet piece of water being torn in two would sound like. Deadpool was now armless, hopping around the quickly bloodening cell with joy to his step. “In the meantime, now I can entertain you guys! Perhaps with interpretive dance! Knock-knock jokes! Ooh, how about charades!” Deadpool stretched out his legs and struck a pose that could have been considered heroic if blood hadn’t been squirting out of his arm stumps like twin rivers. “And no, before you ask, I’m not Captain America, just to be clear.”

“What about the Hulk?” Solaire asked.

“Goddamnit!”

“Valeyard! Mr. Valeyard, please, one of the prisoners is trying to escape!” Luna called out to the darkness to no avail. “Please, hurry and stop him right now! Before it’s too late!”

Chapter 42: Life Is Still Kicking After Nine Lives

“Luna!” Celestia called down the halls of the castle. Only her echo and then silence followed this. “Luna! Where are you? Hello, lil’ sis! Are you marathoning on netflix again?”

Celestia peeked into Luna’s room. She instantly grimaced at the thick stench of stale pizza and and half empty energy drinks that had littered the floor of her sister’s room, but other than that there was no sign of her younger sibling. Actually, there was something else crucially missing as well.

“What happened to the cleaning service?” Celestia asked herself. “Actually, what happened to the guards, too. This place is abandoned!”

Celestia exited Luna’s sty and trotted down the halls of her castle, servants and nobility nowhere to be seen, along with not a single trace of a guardpony anywhere. The entire castle was abandoned, and Celestia for the life of her couldn’t figure out why.

Arriving at the entrance of the castle where staircases led left and right to the upper levels while a grand arching doorway directed guests to the ballroom, Celestia stared at her surroundings with a wary eye.

“Okay, this is just strange. No Luna, and now no servants? How much worse can this get?”

Celestia stared at the doors leading out of the castle before a giant grin snuck up on her face.

“Wait… no Luna, no servants, no guards, no nobles! That means—if this list is correct—no Deadpool either!”

After performing a hoofpump and jump of victory, Celestia spun around on her back hooves and cheered at the top of her lungs. “Finally, I don’t have to deal with that maniac for a day!” Her joyous mood quickly flipped to anxiety when she stopped spinning. “But that doesn’t explain why Luna is gone. And everyone else. If I investigate, I’ll probably figure it out… but in the process, I’ll most likely discover where Deadpool vamoosed off to as well. Which means if they come back, he will as well.”

Celestia tapped her chin and hummed under her breath. She did this for several seconds, which then turned into minutes, the moral ramifications of her decisions weighing heavily in her head.

“Eh, I’ll catch up on Arrested Development until they show up.”

And with that, Celestia turned around to return to her room. Instead of open air meeting her face, her muzzle impacted quite painfully with the side of that ever so iconic blue police box.

“Shit. I thought there was supposed to be a sound effect on this thing.” Celestia peeled her face off the door, rubbing her sore cheek with a hoof.

“Or it could be that you were talking to yourself too loudly, my dear,” the Ninth Doctor said, jumping out of the TARDIS with a flourish and wink. He was by far the youngest incarnation of the Doctor Celestia had ever seen, and his youthful looks leaked into his demeanor as well. He was always smiling, fitting well with his prominent cheekbones and almost goofy-sized ears and hawk-like nose. He was dressed quite plainly in a black leather jacket and blue shirt, the most simplistic look Celestia had ever seen for the Doctor.

“Seriously, what is it with you guys calling me a dear?” Celestia asked. “I’m a pony.”

“Oi, your species aren’t that different. Though interestingly enough, you’re more related to a banana than each other.” The Doctor slowly reached a hand into his coat.

“I swear, if you’re gonna pull out a banana, this date is over.”

The Doctor frowned and withdrew his hand. “Date? Sorry to say, but this isn’t a date.”

“You bet. Where’s the dinner? And most importantly, the wine.” Celestia rubbed a hoof against her forehead. “Ugh, I could use some right about now. I’ve had a hectic week. I’m sick and tired to being dragged to slime planets and inside brains. Just buy me dinner and let me drown my troubles away in some vintage red.”

The Doctor coughed, kicking his foot awkwardly on the floor. “Ah, yes, about that. When I said this wasn’t a date, I meant we aren’t dating.”

Celestia’s forehead rubbing stopped abruptly. “What?”

“I just came down to drop the news on you that I won’t be able to date you.” The Doctor held a hand against his chest and sighed happily, a large grin on his face. “You see, I am already taken.”

“...I repeat myself. What?”

Jack Harkness peeked from inside the larger than the outside confines of the TARDIS and winked at her. Him and the Doctor shared a loving look.

“Wait, you!” Celestia said, pointing a hoof at Jack. “You already ditched me for the Twelfth Doctor, and now you’re back to the Ninth? What type date-stealer are you?”

“The one who is trained with dealing medical professionals,” Jack said, just as he started wiggling the Doctor’s ears.

He kept on wiggling them.

Celestia coughed.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggling.

She coughed louder.

Such large, luscious ears, perfect for wiggling between your fingers. The Doctor only smiled wider, his face turning a rosy tint. All the while, Jack kept on wiggling his ears, the two of them lost in their own world of ears and wiggling.

Eventually, after such a large amount of awkward silence had befallen the group, Celestia turned around and slowly crept away from the wiggling pair.

“So, uh, yeeeeeeah. You two are perfect for each other. Really, you’re wonderful. Glad we got this sorted out now before anything, um… serious could happen.” Celestia quickly darted around the corner of a hallway, then leaned her back against a wall and sighed.

“Okay, okay. First off, I need booze to wipe out those images from my mind. Then, I need to find Luna and—ugh—Deadpool. Then I catch up on Arrested Development.” After a few seconds of contemplating this idea, Celestia said, “Actually, no, let’s switch the order. First booze, then Arrested Development, then I find Luna and Deadpool. A viable plan as any, I suppose. Ah, not like Luna and Deadpool are in any danger… I’m pretty sure.”

Author's Notes:

RosexNinth is an abomination ship that shall never be true BECAUSE IT IS WRONG! JackxNinth is the only true way.

Chapter 43: Tenth Place Isn't So Bad

Overall, Celestia's mood was one of conflicting interests coupled with confusion on a scale never before known to her. Actually, that’s what she used to have thought. Nowadays, however, the confusion was just another thought in the background of her mind, and the conflicting interests part came from the fact she wanted someone to be with for happily ever after, but all the trouble to get that special someone was starting to make a point of being not worth it.

Take her current situation, for example. She was stuck running away from horrible green monsters while her date was right at her side, surprisingly quick on his feet. This was also another pivotal moment of hindsight where she would realize that yes, she had wings, and yes, she could teleport, and yes, she did neither because at this point running away from the numerous horrendous monsters or aliens she dealt with on her dates was the only way she kept her rump from getting too plump.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” the Tenth Doctor told her, nearly tripping as he picked up the pace. Past the wheezing, panting, and sweat, this Doctor was quite the handsome fellow, Celestia had to admit. He had a certain youthful charm with a foxy figure that was both alluring and slim. He had dark eyes and dark brown hair that could almost be described as ginger (though he insisted profusely several times when she pointed this out that it definitely wasn’t). He had on a light brown overcoat and a four-button up suit of a dark brown color with blue pinstripes, and what had once been a tie was quickly ripped off earlier on by one of the green monster aliens. And to wrap it up, his athletic sports shoes—Converse All-Stars as they’re called on Earth—was probably the reason he hadn’t been torn to shreds by the aliens already.

It was here that Celestia also realized that even in times of great distress she always noticed what her dates were wearing and what they looked like. Especially the Tenth Doctor. Probably so that she could remember it later. Remember it with a nice bottle of wine and—

One of the aliens lunged at her, nearly grabbing her back hoof. Celestia narrowly avoided this by briefly taking flight before continuing her trot.

“Don’t let them touch you!” the Tenth Doctor said. “Nasty business with these hooligans and touching.”

Celestia glanced back. The aliens were gaining, quicker on their feet than even the Doctor. They had yellowish-green skin, purple warts covering their body, three-digit hands and feet ending in wickedly-sharp claws, pointed ears and folded skin on their cheeks. All in all, Celestia thought they looked similar to those ‘goblin’ creatures Luna has her do battle with in her extremely nerdy DnD games. “What are they?”

“They’re Abzorbalovians. Probably rebels. Probably still peeved off at me for whatever reason. Oh yes!” the Doctor said in an exuberant fashion, snapping his fingers. “Well… they’re most likely still sore about me being involved with the death of that one Abzorbalovian fellow by the name of Abzorbaloff. Which, if you think about it, is a really unoriginal name for someone from that species You don’t see many Earthlings called humanloffs of humanlings, although I suppose that could be more of a—”

“Do you mind skipping the pointless rambling and get to the point on saving us?” Celestia asked, just barely ducking in time to miss a swipe from one of the Abzorbalovian’s claws. They were in a wide open space now, in the middle of a grey and dreary parking lot. In the distance a ferris wheel, a roller-coaster, and several other amusement park rides could be seen. They were actually quite fun to ride on, before those strange green monster men started to pop up and attempt to kill the pair.

On second thought, a date at an amusement park should have clued Celestia in on the date going horribly wrong. Nothing could be that normal and end well. And on the other hand there was the fact that the stranger the settings of the date, the worst it turned out. So no matter how normal or strange a location or activity her date will be, it’ll still end bad.

Celestia was beginning to sense a pattern here…

“I was just getting to that. You see, when I heard there was a Disneyland here on Clom, I just knew it’d be the perfect location for a date. I mean, who wouldn’t like an amusement park on another planet?”

Celestia stared at the Doctor with a deadpan look.

“Well… anyway, now that these guys turned up out of the blue, looks like we’ll have to find some blue ourselves and use the TARDIS to escape.”

Celestia scanned her surroundings, noticing only empty parking lot a whole heaping of dangerous, possibly deadly to the touch Abzorbalovians. “Do you remember where you parked it?”

“Of course I do!”

“Are you sure?” Celestia asked.

“I’m the Doctor. I’m always right.”

“Then where is it?”

The Tenth Doctor stopped in his tracks, hands on his sides as he hummed under his breath, the alien menace hot on his trail. “Let’s see… it could be in Section A. Or was that C? Perhaps it was E, actually, now that I think about it. And looks like we’re in… K. Hmmm, so what direction would the previous Section letter be, I wonder?”

“Oh, for crying out loud!” A magical force-field appeared around the pair, propelling the Abzorbalovians out from the duo’s presence with a massive recoil of force whenever they approached. However, this didn’t stop the majority from running up, flinging themselves at the shield, being thrown back, and then repeating the process. Cracks started to appear and parts of the shield began to flake off with each successful strike.

Celestia lifted up her hoof, showing the Doctor her time traveling device strapped to her wrist. “We don’t have time to go on some asinine quest to find the TARDIS in a Disneyland parking lot. Can you just set this thing to take us to a time or location that won’t lead us to our doom?”

The Doctor grinned, removing a phallic-shaped object from his coat pocket. “With my trusty sonic screwdriver, of course I can!”

Celestia stared at the screwdriver with an open mouth. “Sonic… screwdriver?”

The Doctor arched a brow. “Uh… yes. Sonic screwdriver. It’s my trusty tool.”

“I’ve never seen it before.”

“Well, my earlier incarnations weren’t too particularly attached to it. Especially the Third Doctor…” The Doctor frowned. “He never did like playing with toys.”

Celestia closed her eyes and sighed. “Okay, since we’re just beating around the bush, I’ll ask. Is that a dildo?”

The Doctor’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“You call it a sonic screwdriver. So in all actuality, I should have asked if it was a vibrator.”

“What?”

“Oh, come on!” Celestia shouted. “You even called it your ‘trusty tool’ and a ‘toy’! What was I supposed to think?”

The Doctor opened his mouth, then closed it, ending up staring into space for several seconds of silence.

“Uh… the Abzorbalizzle-thingies are about to break through my shield.”

The Doctor blinked. “Oh yeah, right. Better configure the device correctly.”

As the Doctor fiddled with Celestia time travel wristwatch, she stared at the never ending tide of Abzorbalovians flinging their body at her shield. For some reason she felt a weird sense of déjà vu.

“Okay, done!” the Doctor said. “Press the button and we’re saved!”

“Finally!” Celestia said, lifting her hoof up.

“Allons-y!” the Doctor yelled, the two disappearing in a flash of light.

Celestia opened her eyes, the grey of the parking lot still in her vision.

“Wait a second… we didn’t travel through time!”

“Oh, but we did! Look!” The Doctor pointed to a far away object, which just so happened to be the TARDIS. “We successfully time traveled thirty minutes into the past. And I did park in Section A! My past version just so happened to steal it from its spot, which means I was right! Brilliant!”

“Wait a second… I can travel back thirty minutes into the past now?” Celestia asked, not letting the Doctor answer. “Great! Now I can go back another thirty minutes and convince my past self from ever going on a date in this deathtrap in the first place!”

“Uh, actually, that wouldn’t be wise, especially since—” The Doctor turned around, noticing Celestia’s presence wasn’t next to him anymore. She has vanished. “—I only set the thirty minute time travel as a one-time thing.”

The Doctor stared at the empty spot Celestia once stood in, then shrugged, quickly jogging back to the TARDIS. “Ah, I’m sure she’ll be fine. I mean, how bad could the late Jurassic Period possibly be?”

Chapter 44: Intermission Is The Mission!

“Well, that was a messy job.”

Deadpool stopped in his tracks. “I told you already, it isn’t my fault there weren’t any paper towels in the bathroom!”

Luna lifted up her hoof and grimaced at the blood stain. “You could have at least have used some toilet paper.”

“That was… for something else.”

“Wait, you told me it smelled like that before you got in there!” Solaire said, tapping Deadpool roughly on the shoulder. “Is my comrade lying to his partner in battle? That makes for poor teamwork, and can lead to the death, or worse, death at the bottom of a ravine.”

“How is that worse than death?” Twilight asked? “Isn’t it essentially just dying in the end?”

“If that end is located in a hard to reach area that’s practically impossible to get to, then yes, it is.” Solaire sighed, shaking his head solemnly. “The end so nigh but the reach so far, makes for poor death for all.”

Twilight blinked. “But—”

“Anyone else wanting to question why there was a bathroom right near the cell doors?” Luna interrupted.

Deadpool waved his blood drenched hand dismissively in the air, the rest of his formerly dismembered arms having grown back, sans the costume. So now Deadpool’s freakishly deformed skin could be properly seen, cancerous boils shifting and growing and dying along his body for everyone to see. The blood—graciously this time—managed to cover up the worst of it from view.

“It makes a good idea design wise for me. Done torturing the prisoners? Go drop a big one. Wanna get ready for torturing the prisoners? Prep up in front of the mirror? Get blood on your hands from torturing the prisoners? There’s a sink right there to clean up!” Deadpool rubbed a bloodied hand against his chin, humming under his breath. “Actually, that’s not a half bad idea to use…”

“Can we get back on topic for what’s truly important right now?” Luna asked, glancing back down the seemingly endless empty grey halfway. “Like where we are, and why the Valeyard hasn’t found us yet?”

“We could be in the TARDIS,” Solaire said. “I recall the Doctor mentioning it before during that triple date we partook in. From what I could see when I took a quick glance inside it, it’s smaller on the outside than the inside.”

Twilight smirked and arched a brow at Solaire. “You mean it’s bigger on the inside than the outside?”

“Oh, well, the box itself was already plenty big from my perspective, but then again it doesn’t really appear any smaller than what I could perceive without looking within it. So truthfully speaking the area within the box is fairly larger than the parameter of the box would allow one to suspect.”

Deadpool slammed his head against the wall, Luna wisely taking a few steps away. “Oh goooooooood, you two are totally made for each other it hurts! Just get a room already!”

Solaire raised a finger half-heartedly. “But… there isn’t one.”

“Does that mean you want to get one?” Twilight asked, her smile widening.

“Uh… well… erm. I…” Solaire looked to Deadpool.

Deadpool looked to Luna.

Luna stared at both of them, then glanced behind herself and said, “Oh hey, there’s a door here.”

“How conveniently appropriate for these current settings!” Deadpool proclaimed, walking up to the door with a spring in his steps. After jiggling the handle a few times without success, Deadpool kneeled near the door handle and tappedit with a finger as he nodded his head. “Yes, yes, it appears it’s locked. Luckily, I have a lockpick for events like this.” Deadpool got back up, pulled his leg up high, then kicked it against the doorframe. Repeatedly. After the fourth bone fracture and all ten of his toes were nothing but dust, the door finally gave in and opened with a loud flourish. Hobbling in, Deadpool glanced back to the rest of the group and gave them a thumbs up. “I knew nicknaming my leg lockpick would be a good idea!”

Solaire approached the door handle and wiggled it with his hand, successfully turning it several times. “Deadpool, the door wasn’t locked.”

“Sure it was.”

Luna stared at Deadpool with a deadpan look. “You tried to pull it instead of pushing it, didn’t you?”

“Of course I didn’t.”

“Wait, if you thought it was locked when you tried pulling it, how did you expect to kick the door open when it could have only opened from the other side?” Twilight asked.

Deadpool raised a finger to the group. “And that, children, is a story for another day.”

“Deadpool, that story is today. There’s no other story going on,” Luna pointed out.

“How did you all escape?” the Valeyard asked from his desk. The group immediately turned to him, their presence taken in complete calmness from the villain. He was sitting at a grey desk, much like the rest of the room, with several designs and blueprints on his desk matching that of the TARDIS, the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, and several other advanced feats of technology.

“Through the use of charades and perseverance!” Deadpool said. “Mostly the perseverance, since everyone else was terrible at charades.”

The Valeyard chuckled, clapping his hands slowly and in an even motion. “Then you have my congratulations. But escape shall not be your savior here. Oh no, not today. For you see, escape shall be your downfall, for you have officially made yourself no longer a use to me and now a hinderance. A hinderance I shall destroy at the utmost of my abilities, until you’re nothing more than a—”

His words were cut off, however, when several dozen bullets impacted his throat, skull, chest, stomach, and groin regions, and then a few dozen more for good measure.

Deadpool yawned, clicking the trigger of his empty submachine gun that was pointed lazily at the Valeyard’s corpse. “Are you done here? Because you’re hella boring, dude. Well, now you’re just dead, but geez, you still manage to be boring dead. Not such a good quality to have, dude.”

“Deadpool, did you just… did you just kill him?!” Luna asked, or rather, shouted, nearly popping the eardrums of everyone in the room.

“Wait, I didn’t?” Deadpool threw his gun at the Valeyard’s head, getting no reaction other than a thump and unblinking eyes. “Wait, no, I did. False alarm, everyone!”

“You just can’t kill him, Deadpool! That’s wrong! Wrong on so many levels!” Twilight said, nearly gagging at the sight of the Valeyard’s corpse.

Solaire nodded. “Especially since we still know nothing of his plans or how we ended up here. We could be lost within this mysterious place forever for all we know.”

“Especially when you all die!” the Valeyard’s corpse proclaimed, back on his feet at an unnatural speed. Now his body started to shift and change, becoming more liquidy and deformed, skin turning green, limbs melting away to slimy tentacles instead. In the Valeyard’s place stood a creature of horrible dimensions. A creature that was a vile green blob, almost like a jellyfish, its tentacles wrapping around Deadpool’s neck and closing it in with a sickening vise-like grip. “Finally, I could drop the act and finish you fools off all by myself!”

“What in my sister’s name are you?” Luna asked, backing away along with Solaire and Twilight from the monster’s tentacle grasp.

“I am a Rutan, one of the greatest shapeshifters in the universe! I was hired to play the part of the Valeyard to keep you idiots occupied while my master played his little game without any interference!” The Rutan laughed, its voice harsh and almost mechanical. “But now that you’ve escaped I have free range to kill you as I please, and there’s nothing you can do to stop—hey, wait, where are you going?”

“Out of the kill range!” Twilight shouted, her and the rest backing out of the room and running down the hall. “Deadpool, don’t kill him until you get some answers!”

The Rutan laughed. “Kill me?” It regarded the floundering Deadpool in its tentacles with what could be considered a smirk if it had a mouth. “This pathetic creature? You couldn’t even do that with your guns, much less your weak, human arms.”

The Rutan screamed, Deadpool being released instantly. Hopping off the floor with a bounce in his feet, Deadpool held up both of his katana blades. “You forgot about these awesome, human blades I have on me!”

The Rutan’s tentacles continued to bleed a disgusting green liquid that squirted everywhere across the room. Focusing in on Deadpool, it said, “You… YOU UNCIVILIZED MONKEY! I’ll turn you into paste on the walls!”

“Not the best pre-mortem one-liner I’ve heard, but hey, you’re just a cheap production-value blob, so I wasn’t expecting much.” Deadpool laid on katana blade atop the other, snapping them together repeatedly in a cutting motion as he drew closer to the Rutan. “Now for you to hear a good one-liner for the king of those quips himself! Now I finally get to see who will win: scissors or blob!”

Chapter 45: Eleven Is Literally One For One

“I must admit, this is actually quite pleasant.”

“Indeed. I often come down here to relax. Kick my feet back. Mellow in the mood of tranquility this place offers. Also, to practice knitting.”

“This is just a really peachy date.” Celestia furrowed her brow and stared at the insignia on a red banner hanging against a wall. “Also, what exactly does that symbol stand for? I’ve been seeing a lot of it.”

The Eleventh Doctor sipped at his coffee, eying the swastika Celestia was pointing to against the grey wall of the even greyer bunker. “That, erm, means good luck for many cultures on Earth.” The Doctor took another sip of his coffee and smack his lips. “I have to admit, Hitler has the best machine to brew a mean cup of joe.”

“You think Hitler would mind us using his bunker for our date?” Celestia asked.

The Eleventh Doctor glanced upward as a boom resonated in the halls of the bunker, the floor shaking with a tremor that soon passed once the dust stopped falling from overhead. “Oh, I don’t think he’ll mind.”

Celestia regarded the Doctor as he returned his focus back to the knitting project at hand. Much like his earlier incarnation, he was young, yet still appeared infinitely older than his appearance gave away. His chin was very prominent, along with his ears—but never as much as the Ninth Doctor was—and his cheekbones were sharp on his features. His nose stuck out a tad bit, but in a way Celestia found kind of cute, and his soft eyes and wavy hair certainly made up for it. He wore a tweed jacket and light brown button up with plain blue pants and a single red bowtie to complete the look. By a long shot, the plainest appearance of all the Doctors, but one whose simplicity made it still very striking.

The Doctor chuckled, his hands a flurry of movement as his knitting needles continued to move, never resting. “You know, it’s funny. You ponies don’t talk that much differently than normal horses on Earth.”

Celestia arched a brow. “Is that so?”

“The language is not that different from English. The horses, that is. Amazing how two completely species have such similar roots in their vernacular. Although, I suppose that could be because of the strong bond between horses and humans, seeing how they’re beasts of burden and often companions for early man. But then that arises the question of whether human language was derived from horse language or the vice verse, and that’s where things get really interesting.”

Celestia gulped down her coffee as the Doctor rambled on and on, her nodding appropriately at the right places. She didn’t mind this, of course, and in some way appreciated someone else doing all the talking for once. The Doctor often made erratic hand gestures in between his sentences, still able to knit all the while without any trouble. The best Celestia could guess to what exactly he was knitting was a scarf, but one much too large and colorful to be considered appropriate for wear. In fact, it seemed oddly familiar.

“Did you hear something?”

Celestia blinked. She set her coffee down, her eyes scanning her concrete surroundings.

“Was it another tremor?”

The Doctor shook his head, setting his knitting needles down slowly. “No. The earth isn’t shaking. This… this is something else.”

Faintly, far, far away in the background a noise could be heard. It echoed throughout the halls, so distant one could barely make it out. Except for the Doctor, of course.

“No…” He stood up and ran a hand through his hair, parting it to the side in a wave. “No. No, no, no, no. It can’t be!”

“What? What can’t be?” Celestia rose and glanced over the Doctor’s shoulder to the reinforced steel doors that were the entrance to the bunker.

“It’s the worst possible thing that could have ever have happened.” The Doctor held a hand against his brow and sighed deeply, just as the distant noise increased in volume and proximity. “It’s…”

“The Chicken Dance,” Celestia whispered. Flashbacks of parties at the castle and a certain pink pony reverberated in her mind. “By the gods, it’s the Chicken Dance.”

“EXTEEEEEEEEERMINATE!”

“Oh, and Daleks. But really, the Chicken Dance!” The Doctor threw up his hands exasperatedly in the air and turned on his heels in a spin, pacing behind Celestia without giving her another glance. “Just when I thought the Daleks couldn’t sicken me any worse, they find another way!”

“What do we do?”

“We?” The Doctor spun around again, a full three-sixty, and approached Celestia with a calculating eye. “You’re to do nothing, my dear, since I am the gentleman caller of this here date, it is my responsibility to handle whatever dangers that might pop up.”

Laser blasts could be heard against the other side of the steel doors guarding the bunker. The Chicken Dance’s volume further increased, shaking the walls of the bunker with each musical tune. Daleks could be heard on the other side spouting their trademark “EXTEEEEEEEEERMINATE!” catchphrases while continuing to fire at the door.

“Wait, so you’re ditching me just like all the other times?” Celestia asked.

The Doctor waved his hand in the air dismissively. “Of course not. I fully intend on saving you and transporting you to a haven while I deal with the mess of a Dalek invasion in Berlin. And why they have acquired the wretched song that is the Chicken Dance a decade before it was released.” He pointed to the TARDIS. “It’s on autopilot, so just avoid pushing any of the buttons that could send you down a hole in time that offers no return. Which is a lot of them, by the way.”

“Wait… so you mean I don’t have to use this thing anymore?” Celestia asked, pointing to her time travel wristwatch.

Looking at it, the Doctor said, “Seeing how you were given one of the cheapest time traveling devices I’ve ever seen—one that seems to be broken and malfunctioning to a high degree, I might add—no, you don’t. The TARDIS shall drop you off to a safe location while I deal with this threat—” the Doctor put a fez atop his head, “—with style.”

Celestia stared at the Doctor’s head apparel. “No. Just… no.”

“But fezzes are cool!”

“No, they aren’t. Literally anything else would be considered cooler than that.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Well, I beg to—” The bunker doors shook, and some of the steel started to dent and even melt in places. Celestia opened up the TARDIS’ doors and quickly jumped inside. “Fashion choices aside, good luck with the alien invasion!”

The Doctor stood with his legs splayed out, his hand reaching into his jacket pocket for his trusty sonic screwdriver. “I don’t need luck. I’m the Doctor. Luck considers me the lucky one.”

The TARDIS disappeared, the bunker doors shaking on their hinges as the Daleks and Chicken Dance grew louder. The Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver at the doors with a smirk on his face. “No plan, no backup, no weapons worth a damn, and the best of all, nothing to lose! Ah, just the way I like my last stands! So damn dramatic!”

Just as the doors broke down, the Doctor frowned and said, “Actually, now that I think about it, I never did set a destination for the autopilot. I wonder where Celestia will end up at.”

Chapter 46: End Of The Doctors (Part 1)

“What do you mean you just killed him and didn’t acquire any information from him?” Luna asked, glowering at the slime-covered Deadpool.

Deadpool tapped his chin and tilted his head. “Oh, maybe I wasn’t being literal enough. I killed him, while laughing gleefully all the while. Oh, and he kept on spouting out some words. But they weren’t as important as the screaming, if I remember correctly.”

Luna smacked a hoof on her muzzle and groaned. “You can’t even remember what you had for breakfast!”

“But I do know what this green alien dude had!” Deadpool swiped a finger across his green-drenched suit and licked it… through his mask. “Mmm, spicy chimichanga. Just the way I like ‘em!”

“That’s what you ate this morning, you moron!”

“Oh…” Deadpool stared at the large hole in his costume around his stomach region, his cancerous skin already filling in the gap of his missing organs and muscles. “I think I just got colonoscopied.”

Solaire leaned to Twilight and whispered, “And he calls us a bickering couple.”

Twilight giggled at Luna screamed Deadpool’s ear off (which, interestingly enough, had happened on an earlier occasion that dealt with the game Counter-Strike and what can only be described as a ‘bunnyhop script’). “They certainly do know how to push each other’s buttons.”

“But comrade Deadpool has no buttons, only pockets,” Solaire pointed out.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Figure of speech, Solaire.”

“Is that like how Deadpool mentions he’s so hungry he’ll eat a horse?”

Twilight stared at Deadpool, who had entered earnestly with the shouting match with Luna—though he was more involved with spouting out random words than anything else—and then gulped. “I really, really hope so.”

Quite suddenly, almost as if all the yelling, bickering, and off-screen violence had set off some alarms, a hidden door at the end of the hallway opened. Two figures stepped forth, their skin metallic, their bodies metal, and their faces looking like a really drugged out version of a smiley face.

One of these creatures stepped forward and raised its arm, a small arm-cannon sprouting out and was pointed directly at the group. “Intruder alert! You shall be assimilated! Failure to comply shall lead to quicker assimilation!”

“Who are these shiny nerds?” Deadpool asked.

Luna shrugged. “Metalmen?”

“We are—”

“Ironmen?” Twilight suggested.

Deadpool snorted.

Solaire snapped his fingers. “Perhaps they are Steelmen?”

The other creature raised its arm-cannon as well. “We are—”

“Wait, no, I got it!” Deadpool pointed both his fingers at the duo. “Robotmen!”

“Incorrect!” the first creature spoke, its voice sounding like it was on a radio station that had terrible static. “We are the Cybermen! You belong to us. You shall become us.”

“Wait, wait, hold up now,” Deadpool said, walking over to the duo holding his hands up to show he was unarmed. “I’m not just gonna become some shiny metal nerd. Now, the shiny metal part doesn’t sound half bad, but the nerd part is a definite no. Deadpool is too hood to be seen as just another techno-loser like every other rag-store hero out there. The only metal I have are my blades, my guns, and the occasional rebar rod shoved up my—”

“You shall be assimilated or destroyed,” the Cyberman interrupted, much to the thanks of everyone else.

Deadpool whisked out his mini uzi and pointed it right in the Cyberman’s face. “I don’t think so, bub.” After a few clicks of the trigger, followed by no sounds of gunfire, Deadpool looked through the barrel of his gun. “Oh yeah… whoops. Forgot to reload.”

After that, Deadpool’s head exploded in a shower of gore and brain matter.

The Cyberman pointed its arm-cannon to Twilight, who was staring wide-eyed at the blood-showering stump of Deadpool’s neck. “Assimilate or die, organic lifeform.”

The sound of metal being torn apart like a piece of paper could be heard in the close confines of the hallway. The Cyberman glanced to its arm-cannon, which had crumpled up like wet cardboard in Solaire’s hand. Looking up to the knight’s helmet, the Cyberman experienced a strange sensation deep within the memory banks of its circuitry. A sensation it had not felt in centuries, for it was supposed to have been wiped from it long ago.

That sensation was fear.

“Do not.”

Solaire ripped off the Cyberman’s arm, circuits spraying out electric sparks in a shower.

“Threaten.”

The Cyberman’s head was struck with its own arm, its processing speed unable to keep up with the rapid attack Solaire had performed. Its neck-hinges barely hung on by a thread.

“Mistress.”

Solaire grabbed onto the pair of metal rods protruding from the Cyberman’s head from its ears to the top of its skull. With only a tug he had ripped off the Cyberman’s head, the rest of the body powering off in an instant.

“Twilight.”

Solaire dropped the Cyberman’s head on the floor, then smashed it beneath his foot. It crumbled like a paper ball, the sparks quickly dying as the mechanical unit shut off.

The other Cyberman stared at its companion, then back to Solaire, who hadn’t even drawn his sword. Instead, he held his hand above his head, electrical sparks much more powerful than anything the Cyberman had produced upon its death forming in the palm of his hand. Eventually, these sparks had joined together to give shape to a lightning bolt that was alive and begging to be released in Solaire’s grip.

“You cannot defeat us. We are many. You are few. He will stop you in the end. And then you shall be assimilated,” the Cyberman said, aiming his arm-cannon at Solaire’s face.

Solaire glanced down at Twilight, her face filled with fear but an underlying courage that spoke of her willingness to stand by his side, as evident when she never backed away from his presence when he had attacked the Cyberman.

Looking back to the Cyberman, Solaire grinned. “You might have superior numbers. You might have superior weapons. And whoever he is, no matter how great he is, there’s one thing you all are forgetting to do. One thing my ever-hollowing mind never forgets.”

“Cybermen never forget. What could it possibly be?”

Solaire released the full power of his lightning spear into the Cyberman’s face, turning it into a crispy tin can.

“Praise the sun!”

Chapter 47: End Of The Doctors (Part 2)

The tyrannosaurus rex stampeded down the halls of the building, tearing up the floors with her sickle-shaped claws while her tail tore down the walls on either side. She was a menacing predator of the highest caliber of carnivore possibility. Forty feet of reptilian muscle, speed, and hunger, the giant brown dinosaur that was the king of her era destroyed the building and anything else in her path. And with the biting power of around five-thousand pounds of force, there wasn’t a doorway or way in her path she couldn’t crush instantly.

Of course, riding this terrifying beast was Celestia.

“Come on, Susy, we’re nearly there!” Celestia shouted, swinging a makeshift spear around.

Susy didn’t need much goading, and was already on a path of ruin for the end of the room. All around them lay old props to some geeky sci-fi television show that had been thankfully canceled years ago, but boy did a bunch of dust get thrown up from all the destruction a t-rex can cause. Moldy wardrobes, cheap props, and decaying sets were all soon in tatters wherever Susy went.

At the end of the recording set room there lay a door. A door that Celestia had no idea what lay on the other side. But that was okay, because she had a dinosaur, a badass one at that, and that easily trumped pretty much anything that could be a treat to her.

With a single headbutt of her mighty skull, Susy had broken through the wall. What lay on the other side was a large hanger with a high ceiling and a few alien spacecrafts scattered about with Daleks guarding them. The Daleks were the same as ever: just really ridiculous looking trashbin robots with plungers attached to their chests.

“EXTERMINATE!” one of the Daleks cried out, before Susy ripped off its head (did they even have heads?) with a single bite.

The next two soon followed the same process, and before long Susy was tearing through Dalek after Dalek with bites, chomps, stomps, smacks, whacks, headbutts, tailwhips, and the ever fun occasion of throwing them up into the ceiling so that she could swipe it with her tail and score a homerun.

Celestia quickly hopped off Susy as she enjoyed her mayhem, running down to the opposite side of the hanger where a another door could be seen. Breaking it open even though it was unlocked to begin with, Celestia lighted up her horn with magic and pointed it directly into the room.

“Okay, nopony move, this is a stick-up! Or, actually a horn-up! But that doesn’t matter! Give me what I need right this instant! And that is answers... and hopefully a ride back home would be nice!”

Celestia blinked, the magic in her horn slowly being released. She was in an… exercise room. Yes, an exercise room. There were a few treadmills against the walls, a weight bar on the other end of the room, a few dumbbells here and there, a mat and yoga ball, and finally a few exercise bikes lined up against one another. And on one of those exercise bikes at that very moment was…

“Steven Moffat?” Celestia said. “I remember you from my date with the Eighth Doctor. But what are you doing here?”

Moffat never got up from his bike, not yet done with his incline workout. Wiping some sweat from his face, he said, “Oh, yes, Celestia, I was just wondering when you’d show up. How exactly did you get past the Daleks?”

“I had a t-rex friend I made during the Jurassic period help me out with that.”

“And how’d you manage to find me?”

Celestia shrugged. “I pressed a few buttons on the TARDIS control panel and then pulled a lever or two. Next thing I knew, I ended up here. So I’m guessing either the TARDIS guided me here, it was pure luck, or my time traveling experience has finally paid off.”

“The TARDIS actually has a function where it returns to this location when you’re in it.”

“Oh…”

Reaching the end of his exercise, Moffat leaned back in his bike seat and smirked. “Though I do have to admit, I’m surprised how you managed to get a t-rex to fit in there.”

“Well, it is larger on the inside than on the outside.”

Celestia and Moffat shared a good laugh for a few seconds. Then Celestia glared at him and asked, “So why am I here, Moffat? And what do you have to do with it?”

Picking up the towel laid over his shoulders, Moffat dabbed his perspiring forehead and sighed. “Well, to be honest, I’m responsible for this entire thing. The Doctors going on dates with you, those dates being ruined, your time-traveling viasco, everything.”

“Why?”

Moffat chuckled. “Why? There’s a simple reason why, my dear.” Moffat leaned against the handlebars of his unmoving bike. “Ratings.”

Celestia squinted. “...Seriously?”

“I’ve been planning to rehash a new Doctor Who series for years now. What I needed was a hook better than what the original had. The princess of a magical ponyland would draw the fanbase of little girls everywhere. And then those little girls would grow up to be geek girls with an undying fangirl loyalty to the show, even more so than now.” Moffat cracked his knuckles, a confident grin on his face. “The fandom will double—no—triple in size! And all that notoriety and royalties will be coming into my pocket.”

“Wait… so you ruined around eleven of my dates just so I’ll become a companion to your stupid show?” Celestia held a hoof against her temple. “That’s… that’s… that’s the most convoluted and completely moronic plan I’ve ever heard of! If not the first eleven Doctors, then who else would I be on this new show with?”

“The Sixth Doctor, actually. With him, I’ll be bringing the show back to its roots, more so than with the Twelfth. Now it’ll be bad production value, cheap sets and props, and bad dental plans, just like it’s supposed to be.”

Celestia’s eyes went wide. “Wait a second. The Sixth Doctor is dead. Well, at least as dead as any of the Doctors could be.”

Moffat arched a brow.

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck and coughed into her hoof. “Well, uh… when the Sixth Doctor took me on our date, it went so bad that I kinda hijacked his TARDIS to ditch him. But he managed to get on somehow, and then we started fighting over the controls. Then, things went really insane when the Seventh Doctor appeared and started to argue with the Sixth. At that point, it really just boiled down to a whiny shouting match. So I… well…” Celestia shrugged. “I opened the doors of the TARDIS and pushed him out. The Seventh Doctor helped, of course, mostly by tripping him while I shoved. The Sixth went outside and fell into this great big swirly thing filled with stuff the Seventh said were chronons… whatever that is.”

Moffat shook his head and laughed. “Well, sorry to disappoint you, but the Sixth Doctor survived that. He was transformed into the Valeyard instead of death. He is now a dark personification of all the Doctor’s personalities, and will truly make for a great gritty and darker character for pre-teen girls to attach themselves too.”

“Oh, well damn.” Celestia tapped her chin. “You wouldn’t happen to… I dunno, know where this Valeyard guy is at this very moment? I still haven’t paid him back fully for how awful a date he gave me.”

“As far as I know, he’s still locked away in his bunker with an entire army of Cybermen guarding him. Won’t come out until you’re properly secured for the new show to begin. Trust me, there’s no way someone is getting to him.”

Celestia regarded Moffat with a cool, calm expression. “So, this is it then? All those failed dates, all that time wasted, everything done just so you could get me to become the Valeyard’s companion?”

Moffat nodded. “Well, the plan didn’t exactly go to plan, as you can see here. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers. As long as I have the Valeyard, you, and my Emmy, there’s nothing I can’t do.”

“There’s only two questions I need to ask.”

Moffat smiled. “Shoot.”

“First off, why do you keep on exercising?”

Moffat patted his gut. “I’ve been trying to lose weight, and I promised myself I wouldn’t get off this bike no matter what until my exercise program was complete.”

“Well then, I commend you on your dedication to your weight loss plan,” Celestia said.

“Thank you very much.”

“However, how did you expect me to ever agree to become the Valeyard’s companion?”

The exercise bike beeped, signaling the workout was close to being complete. “Celestia, you know how the Doctor changes each time he regenerates to a new person?”

Celestia nodded.

Moffat smiled, a strange darkness passing over his features. “Well, he isn’t the only one. After years of trying to control this universe and bend it to my will, I decided that there was another way. Another way to rule everything. By making my own universe. And Doctor Who is just what I need for that. My own universe to control, with characters I can manipulate in any way I wish.”

Celestia back up a few steps, her eyes drawn to Moffat’s gaze while she was unable to tear herself away. “Wh-who are you?”

Moffat smiled, his workout chiming that it was finally complete. “I am the Master. And you will obey me.”

Author's Notes:

You won't believe how long it took to get to come up with a plot this complicated.

Chapter 48: End Of The Doctors (Part 3)

Solaire beheaded yet another Cyberman, sparks flying out of broken electrical cords where bursting arteries were supposed to be. Without even looking he shoved his sword behind himself, right into the chestplate of a Cyberman that was about to sneak up on him.

“There seems to be no end to them!” Solaire cried out, another lightning bolt charging itself in his hand. Once it had fully formed, he arched his arm back and threw it into a crowd of Cybermen, solid metal turning to liquid instantly everywhere the lightning touched. Circuitries were fried instantly and body limbs jerked in erratic poses before the more machine than man entities died.

“Typically the larger crowd indicates we’re getting closer to the source!” Twilight said. She activated a shield, protecting the group from a barrage of Cybermen laser blasts. Using a laser attack of her own, Twilight was successful in knocking over several of the Cybermen in just one attack, their awkward bodies unable to right themselves back up properly. “We just need to keep on pressing through!”

Solaire ripped the sword still stuck in the dead yet upright Cyberman behind him. In a single step he knocked the edge of his shield against a Cyberman’s head, resulting in it falling to the ground so that its companion right behind it met the swift justice of Solaire’s blade. “I can keep this up all day! Oh, what fun it is to cooperate again! Hah ha ha ha!”

“Guys, I don’t think Deadpool is looking so hot!” Luna called from the back, awkwardly stepping over fallen Cyberman bodies with Deadpool slung over her back.

“Now Mistress Luna, that’s unkind to say! I think he’s quite handsome, actually!” Solaire said, chuckling under his breath as he decapitated two Cybermen in one swing.

Luna glanced over her shoulder and shuddered. “His head is growing back all weird!”

“We’re kinda busy right here, Princess!” Twilight picked up a Cyberman and flung it into a group of charging Cyberman, resulting in the entire squad tumbling in the ground in a jumble of flailing metal limbs. “Also, did anyone hear a dinosaur roar a few minutes ago?”

“Sounded like a dragon to me. And if it is, I’ll need more than just one miracle to take care of it.” Solaire released another spear made of nothing but lightning, incinerating the next dozen or so Cybermen before they even got within ten feet of the group. In just another instant he threw another spear, and then another spear, melting metal and burning circuitry until the entire hallway smelled like a Chinese toy factory that had caught on fire. Not a single Cyberman remained standing.

“Oh, well, that was easy enough,” Luna said, checking around Solaire at the blackened hallway.

Solaire shrugged. “Not exactly so. For instance, I probably won’t be able to make another one of those for some time now.”

“So what if we come against some horrible abomination that needs to be zapped?” Twilight asked.

Twisting his sword in his hand with the flick of his wrist, Solaire said, “Then we stab it instead.”

“If afraid there will be no zapping or stabbing this evening,” a voice said at the end of the hallway, covered in the smoke of the burning Cybermen.

Luna groaned. “Oh, for crying out loud, the mysterious ambiance just gets damn annoying when you repeat it all the time! Just come out already!”

The Valeyard stepped out of the smoke, a rapier held aloofly in his hand. “Just trying to create the mood. Heaven knows I’m the only one attempting it.”

“Vile villain, now you have met your match in the fields of battle!” Solaire spread out his legs and held his sword with both hands, the tip pointed at the Valeyard’s neck. “I am Solaire of Astora, a Knight of Sunlight. I have killed the damned, demons, undead, hollow, and even gods themselves to help my friends. You have threatened my friends. You have harmed my friends. And for that, you have made a terrible mistake.”

“Mistake?” The Valeyard laughed, lifting his rapier up, poised to strike. “The only mistake I see is a fool knight who thinks prancing around in armor like a boy can make a princess love him. Who thinks embracing a curse to find some non-existent sun would give his empty life meaning. You’re more hollow than you know, Sir Knight. You’ve given up everything to find the love of your life, the only thing to give your life meaning, what you gave your life up for, and you know what she did?” The Valeyard smirked, twirling the tip of his rapier in a circle. “She rejected you. And nothing you can do, nothing you can sacrifice, nothing you can accomplish shall ever sway her heart.”

“That’s not true,” Twilight said, stepping forward.

The Valeyard arched a brow at her. “What?”

“I don’t care whether Solaire is dead, undead, whatever. He’s all I ever wanted. A shining knight to stand by my side. Someone who cares about what I have to say and will always be there to listen. Someone so sweet and noble, he’s the sun of my life.” Twilight looked up to Solaire, a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. “Solaire, I know I might not be the sun you had in mind at first, but I hope one day I can be. And I’ll wait every day if I have to.”

Solaire sighed, leaning on one knee to rest a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “It should be I that should ask for your hand—erm, hoof, Mistress Twilight. All this time my princess has been in another castle. It’s only now that I realize where the castle is, and how to unlock its doors to the prize inside.”

Twilight sniffed, holding a hoof against Solaire’s hand. “Oh, Solaire…”

The sound of the air being cut broke up the romantic engagement. The Valeyard frowned, his rapier shining in the light. “Enough with the theatrics, they bore me. Romance, what a trivial concept to shoehorn in. But that’ll change once I’m in charge. And with me as the lead, you can expect no romantic subplots to go on. Just like the old days! Just like the—”

The last of the Valeyard’s sentence was cut off—literally, because a sword had cut into his throat. He fell, clogging on his own blood, desperately clawing at the sword sticking out of his trachea but succeeding in nothing but prolonging his own untimely demise.

“Jeez, what a downer,” Deadpool said, walking past the shocked group members. He was unmasked (due to the fact his head exploded and everything), and what was underneath made everyone wish that he was. His entire face was covered in cancerous tumors, his eyes were a solid color of distorted yellow, and not a single hair remained on his head. He bent down and retrieved his katana, wiping off the blood on the Valeyard’s clothing while he still so desperately clung to life.

“But… the last time I checked on you, only your jaws had grown back,” Luna whispered, trying her best not to vomit over the recent proceedings.

“And I threw my blade once I got my eyes back. It turns out you don’t need much of a brain to throw stuff. Who woulda thunk it?”

“Deadpool, are you sure you’re alright?” Solaire asked. “I mean, loss of one head’s seems like it could lead to certain… problems.”

Knocking on his skull, Deadpool said, “What? Nah. This happens all the time. I’ve had my head blown up, run over, impaled, dismembered, exploded, imploded, lobotomized, stabbed, cut, sliced, diced, filleted, punched, kicked, steam-rolled, and crushed more times than I could count. Mostly because all that brain damage has made addition and subtraction foreign concepts that make no sense. Just like bathing.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Well, that explains a lot,” she said.

“Then could someone mind cluing me in on what exactly happened here?” Celestia asked, peeking behind Deadpool.

“Princess!”

“Sister!”

“Mistress!”

“Honeybuns!”

Everyone glared at Deadpool.

He shrugged. “What, I thought we were okay with the pet names at this point?”

“Princess, what happened to you?” Twilight asked.

Celestia sighed. “Well… to cut a long story short, some creep tried to take over my mind through using hypnosis.”

Luna balked. “Did it work?”

With a snort, Celestia shook her head. “I’m not entirely sure. When he tried it, he stood up from his exercise bike too quickly, and then fell off. Got a nasty hit on the head. I think it may have actually killed him.”

“Wait, so he’s dead?” Solaire asked.

“About as dead as anyone in this damn universe can be.” Celestia shrugged. “Although looks like he’s similar to the Doctor, since he started, uh… regenerating, as I think it’s called. What he turned into was this thin, pale fellow with unruly brown curly hair. I think he called himself… Neil?” Celestia shook her head. “Not sure, he was really quick to make a run for it. Said his recent death gave him just the idea for some graphic thingy.”

“Oh, hey, I think this Doctor is regenerating too,” Deadpool said, pointing to the Valeyard.

Golden dust surrounded the Valeyard, swirling in tornado of light that enveloped him in an illumination that nearly blinded the group.

“Oh, that should be the Seventh Doctor appearing now,” Celestia said, lowering her hoof from her eyes as the light died down.

“So the Valeyard was the Sixth Doctor?” Twilight asked.

“Yep.”

Twilight glanced back to the Valeyard’s still glowing body. “But how did he turn into the Valeyard?”

“Uh… hey, everyone, good news! I have a TARDIS to dump this Doctor in, and a new pet t-rex!”

“Whoa, seriously?” Luna asked, jumping up and down. “You got us one of the largest predators in prehistoric times as a pet?”

Celestia just kept on smiling and nodding her head, dragging Luna and Twilight down the hall with her. “You bet! Uh, Solaire, grab the Doctor, will you? Don’t want any complications in time and whatnot to happen.”

“Will do, Mistress Celestia!” Solaire grabbed the unconscious Doctor and threw him over a shoulder, quick to catch up wit the group, leaving Deadpool all alone in the hallway.

Deadpool was busy stared at a reflection of himself in the chest plate of one of the destroyed Cybermen. He touched his cheek, then his forehead, and finally his chin, his expression completely blank. Eventually, an old man approached him and stood by his side.

“You searching for something, son?” the old man asked. His wrinkles were deep, his hair white, his clothes worn and torn, and his eyes filled with time not well spent.

“No. Uh, no, not really.” Deadpool turned away from his reflection and glanced at the old man. “Just thinking.”

“About what?” he asked.

Deadpool was silent for several seconds. Then he sighed. “Thinking about this story.”

The old man looked down at the Cybermen, broken and burned. “Seems like a pretty violent one.”

“Yeah, well, that’s typical for me.” Deadpool kicked at a discarded Cyberman hand. “I’m not sure why I’m thinking. I don’t typically do it often. Maybe it’s because my head got blown off.”

The old man nodded, not exactly in a sagely way, but more along the lines as he’s been there and done that. “Tends to happen.”

“And this story. Celestia’s story, Luna’s story, Solaire’s story, everyone’s story. It just… it just feels like they’re running their course. Everyone except for me.”

“Maybe your story hasn’t begun yet.”

“Then when will it begin?” Deadpool asked, grabbing onto the old man’s coat. “When? When will it end? The ending, old man, the ending? When is it going to come along?”

The old man arched a brow. “Why are you so focused on the ending?”

“Because I just want a happy one.” Deadpool loosened his grip on the old man’s coat. “I mean, don’t we all?”

The old man nodded.

Deadpool laughed a sad chuckle, slowly shaking his head and backing away. “I’ve had so many stories begin. Not all the same, and they all don’t go along the same way, but the ending I always see coming. Me, by myself, stuck in my shitty apartment with my shitty life and my shitty powers and my shitty looks.” He snorted. “You know I used to always want to die because I hated my life so much? I fell in love with Death. She had the hottest body you’ve ever seen.”

“We all feel that way sometimes.” The old man held his palm up, cupped like it held something for Deadpool to see. “But you’re still here.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Deadpool looked back at the chest plate. Back at his own reflection. “Because it wasn’t the happy ending I wanted.”

“And you think with Celestia you’ll get the happy ending you seek?”

Deadpool shrugged. “A hero can hope, can’t he?”

A small smile appeared on the old man’s lips. “Yes. Yes they can.”

Deadpool glanced back at the old man. “What about you, geezer? You have a happy ending in mine?”

The old man shook his head, his smile growing. “My ending came and passed long ago. Countless times over. Just as it is destined to happen more times over. Was it happy?” The old man shrugged. “Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Sometimes the end was just another beginning. Other times the end was just that. An ending. But for the most part, I like to believe it was happy.”

“You think I’ll get a happy ending?”

Another nod. Another smile. “Yes.”

Deadpool touched his cheek, tracing a line along his tumor marks. “Why?”

“Because you don’t wait for your happy ending. You won’t believe how many individuals I’ve met who think it shall appear at their doorway. Like they deserve it. But you, you go out and seek you. You don’t expect your happy ending to happen. You make it happen.” The old man tapped Deadpool’s chest with a single gnarled finger. “And that makes all the difference.”

A silence filled the hallway, the sparks from the Cybermen having finally died out. Eventually, Deadpool smirked, nodding his head. “Yeah… yeah, I think I got. I’ll be sure to try and remember it.”

“Good,” the old man said, turning on his heel to walk down the hallway.

“Wait!” Deadpool pointed a thumb over his shoulder. “Aren’t you going to go to her? You have a chance, you know. Better than I did.”

The old man stopped, glancing over his shoulder. A small twinkle shined in his eyes. “No. That’s someone else’s chance. A chance not meant for me.”

“Is it meant for me then?”

The old man grinned. “Stay and you shall find out. I have merely lit the flame. Whether you are the one meant to remain in the fire is your own path to find.”

The old man continued to walk, soon disappearing into the smoke cloud created by the Cybermens’ bodies.

“Whoa! I never even got a name from you!” Deadpool shouted at the retreating figure.

The old man stopped, barely visible in the smoke’s obscurity. “Just call me… a friend.” And with that, he was gone.

Author's Notes:

Oh dang, I did a thing...

Chapter 49: Change Of Pace

“What do you mean you’re moving out?”

Solaire hefted the box on his shoulder, and then looked to Deadpool. He managed to shrug with his other shoulder. “I’m vacating the premises to move into another home, Deadpool. I’m not exactly sure how much clearer I can be with that.”

Deadpool stood in Solaire’s path out the doorway, a fresh pizza box and sixpack of beers in his arms. “But I thought after the entire Doctor shitstorm things would finally be getting back to normal.”

“Normal? Our world and lives are anything but normal, Deadpool. But I’m not complaining! Certainly not with the grand future I have in plan.”

Deadpool leaned against the doorway, still not stepping out of Solaire’s way. “Oh, I see how it is. You get a girlfriend and now you’re ditching your bro. Is that how you want to play it?”

“Deadpool, my friend, you know I’d never want to hurt you.”

“Too late, ‘friend!’” Deadpool shoved a finger under Solaire’s helmet, tipping it back. “Bros before horses! The first fucking rule of the bro-code and you broke it, dude. You broke it and my heart!”

“Aren’t we the dramatical one,” Twilight said behind the duo, rolling her eyes.

Deadpool’s belt was pulled with a tug of Twilight’s magic, dragging the disgruntled merc with a mouth back so that Solaire could exit Luna’s room. A stack of boxes were laid across the floor, most being weapons and N64 video games that Luna had loaned to Solaire.

“It’s just not fair,” Deadpool said, still being dragged on his heels while crossing his arms over his chest. “Status Quo is God! C’mon, that’s rule number one! And now things are changing.”

Twilight smirked, setting Deadpool to lean against the wall. “For the better, I imagine.”

“Not for me.”

“No one asked you, Deadpool.”

With a grunt, Solaire placed the final box on the floor next to the others. Leaning on a knee, he rested a hand comfortably on Twilight’s back. “Please, the sun of my life, do not antagonize Deadpool anymore than he need be. He is going through some trouble times.”

“The only trouble I’m having is my roommate moving out!”

Solaire and Twilight shared a look.

“Should I tell him?” Twilight asked.

With a sigh, Solaire shook his head and got back to standing up straight. “No. Better it be I. Comrades in combat are the best for breaking such news.”

Glancing between Twilight and Solaire, Deadpool slowly took a step backwards. “Wait, no, don’t tell me.” Deadpool held two fingers against his temple and frowned. “Twilight’s pregnant with some unforeseen eldritch abomination.”

Twilight scowled. “Is that a jibe at my weight?”

“Solaire’s pregnant with some unforeseen eldritch abomination!”

Solaire patted his stomach. “Hmmm... in all likelihood that could actually happen. I mean, not at this precise moment, but if the occasion ever arose...”

“No!” Twilight said.

“But—”

Deadpool snapped his fingers. “You guys are letting me move into your awesome and epileptic seizure inducing in the right light castle in Ponyville?”

“Close!” Twilight said. “It is related to Ponyville.”

“And you moving in somewhere,” Solaire added.

“Or rather, out of,” Celestia said behind the trio, causing Deadpool to jump into Solaire’s arms with a girlish scream. Arching a brow at Deadpool’s behavior, then thinking better of that, Celestia nodded. “In other words, Deadpool, you’re moving out of the castle.”

“Uh, no.” Deadpool patted the sun symbol on Solaire’s chest. “Solly here might be, but I’m still rooming with Luna.”

“Unfortunately, Deadpool, that’s no longer an option. My sister has requested to be rid of your presence for the time being.”

Deadpool slid out of Solaire’s hands, falling on his knees before Celestia. He crawled to her, pathetically reaching out with an unsteady hand for her face. “But… Tia, my darling. You can’t let your sister stand in between us. We have so much going for us. Love, lust, the pursuit of happiness, grumpy old men writing historical documents, and freedom! So much potential, just for the two of us.”

Celestia pushed Deadpool’s hand down, then slapped it when he reached out again. “Sorry to say, Deadpool, but my sister is exactly why you and I cannot be together. Well, there are dozens of other reasons, but at the moment she is the most convenient. Over time she has developed feelings for you, feelings that have remained unrequited. Because of this, she can no longer stand to be in your presence without being hurt. Your last adventure further reminded her of this.”

“Okay, I’m calling bullshit on that. If she was truly in love with me, why hasn’t she thrown herself in my arms already?”

Celestia leaned forward, her eyes staring unblinking in Deadpool’s gaze. “Deadpool, you’ve been her roommate for over three months. She’s spent countless hours hanging out with you. You annoy her, yet she finds herself drawn to you all the while. In all that time you haven’t witnessed one hint of Luna wanting to be with you?”

Deadpool remained silent for around ten seconds. Then he looked down at his knees. “Oh, wow. Uh… that kind of flew over my head.”

“I think it’d just be best for everyone if you two just have a break for a while. Along with myself from the dating game. At least until I adjust to all the new wounds and time travel paradoxes I caused.” Celestia smiled to Twilight. “Luckily, my favorite student has found just the place for you to stay in Ponyville.”

“Truly, Twilight, you did?” Deadpool asked.

Twilight grinned, thought it was more of a facade than anything else. “Well, of course I did! I’m sure the two of you are going to get along juuuuuuuuust fine.”

Deadpool knocked on the door. After a few seconds it opened, and a pony was there to greet him.

“Oh, hello there!” the tiny pegasus said, smiling warmly to Deadpool. “You must be Deadpool! My friend Twilight told me so much about you. She mentioned you were in need of a home to stay in for a spell, and who am I to refuse a guest in need?” The yellow pegasus with pinker than cotton candy mane blushed, holding both hooves against her cheeks. “Oh, but look at me getting all excited like this. My name’s Fluttershy. Twilight mentioned you were a ‘mutant’ human, which I’ve never heard of before. I’m just so interested in learning more about you. Come in, come in, my home is your home now.”

Deadpool ducked and entered the small cottage. It was warm and lively, with little critters scampering here and there, and even a pissed off looking rabbit glaring at Deadpool in the corner.

Fluttershy flew to the other side of the room, quickly disappearing in an alcove where a stove and kitchen cabinets stood. “Put your bags anywhere you like. Dinner shall be done shortly. My animal friends all love the meals I prepare them, so I made us a few dishes to see what you’ll like. Then we can have tea time and do some reading together. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Deadpool dropped his bags to the floor. No tv, no video games, no junk food, no Netflix, no Luna, no tv! Deadpool fell to his knees, shaking his fists to the heavens, screaming, “Daaaaaaaaaaamn yoooooooooou Twiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiight!”

“Oh, and I hope you like vegan food.”

“DAAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOU TWIIIIIIIILIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”

Chapter 50: Another Change In Pace, Much Like The First, But Much More Drastic

“Why did I agree to this?”

“Because you love me?”

“No, it’s definitely not that.”

“Because you love me a whoooooole lot?”

“Still a no.”

“You’re a masochist?”

“Oh, right, that.” Celestia drained the rest of her wine glass. Then the entire bottle. If the vase on the dinner table had been filled with water, she probably would’ve gulped that too. Wiping her muzzle, she gazed with a ditzy glare at her date. “You know me so well.”

Discord smirked, raising his glass filled with dark chocolate milk (he was watching his figure, after all) in a toast. “Well, of course I do. Who else but me can figure out the inner workings of the most popular princess’ mind?”

“A therapist, probably. Or my mother.” Celestia uncorked another wine bottle and clinked it against Discord’s glass, her downing her alcohol like a champ while Discord sipped his glass… literally. All he had left in his paw was the chocolate milk, still keeping its shape.

“Well, since I am neither—for the time being—I was thinking we could—”

“You know this isn’t actually going to go anywhere, right?”

Discord’s smile fell, much like his drink, which just turned into a pool that dripped down to the floor. “But… the date.”

“Was a facade so that I could get free wine and cake. Works every time.” Celestia looked dejectedly at the few scattered cake crumbs left on her plate. “Oh right, there was something else. I basically had no other offers for dates.”

“Is that so?” Discord asked, eyes gleaming like spotlights.

Celestia held a hoof to her eyes to block out the light from Discord’s stare. “Indeed. It seems my reputation has finally caught up with me after so many dates have gone bad. No one is even offering to go out with me anymore. You’re basically the only offer I had left.”

“Well, for tonight, sure.” Discord smirked, his smile dancing a jig along his cheek so that it could perform the can-can on his eyebrows. “However, that may just change…”

“Vaguely leaving hints at the end of your sentences, Discord? That could only mean one thing.” Celestia broke the end of her now empty wine bottle against the table, creating a jagged weapon commonly used for stabbing, and even more commonly used in bars. “What the hell did you do?”

Discord held up his hands, white flags unfurling from his horns. “Oh, hey, I didn’t do much. Plus, it wouldn’t be fitting for a princess to enact upon a grisly murder on interdimensional television, now would it?”

“Interdimen-sawhat?”

Discord pointed to the ceiling of the restaurant. “You’re famous, Celestia, in a good number of universes and pocket dimensions to boot. People—and other things closely resembling but just not hitting the mark—can’t get enough of you!”

Celestia glanced upward, her eyes widening when she spotted the flying spherical robot with the gigantic red lens for an eye trained directly on her. The red eye grew smaller, the robot probably getting a close up on her horrified expression.

“Ooh, we just got a boost in ratings!” Discord said, pressing a finger against his ear. “At this rate, Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website The Television Drama shall be at the top of the primetime shows in no time! We might even beat the indomitable Simpsons!”

Celestia reached out and ripped the communicator out of Discord’s ear. After stomping it with her hoof on the ground, she asked, “Okay, just what is going on, Discord?”

“Oh, right, forgot to mention. You have your own television show, Celestia. It was all my idea. And boy, what a profitable idea it is.” Discord snapped his fingers, causing dozens of those flying robots from before to pop up around the restaurant. “I bought these guys off an intergalactic thriftshop. For each date now I have around a dozen on you at all times, invisible, waiting, watching, recording.”

“That’s… extremely creepy.”

Discord snapped his fingers at her and winked, the robots disappearing in an instant. “And you know what isn’t? Being more popular than Oprah. Not many can pull that off without ending up in a ditch somewhere with a knife between their ribs.” Discord leaned in close and whispered, “Also, it’d probably be a good idea to look over your back from now on. The O doesn’t like competition. At all.”

Celestia shoved Discord away and growled under her breath. “I can’t believe you! You agreed to this date just to reveal that you started a television show based off me! Which… doesn’t sound like something you’d do.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, the awful reality show I can believe, but telling me about it seems like it’d ruin the fun.”

Discord held a hand against his chest. “Really now, Celestia, give me more respect than that. I have integrity, for one thing. I realized this was an invasion of your privacy, and saw this date as the perfect opportunity to ask if you’d agree for the show to go on.”

“No.”

Discord blinked twice. “No what?”

“No, I will not agree to whatever asinine reason you need for your idiotic show to continue.” Celestia got up from her chair, taking care to avoid the broken glass scattered on the floor. “That’s the only conclusion I could reach for why you needed me to agree to something in the first place.”

With eyes so wide and pupils so full, Discord fell on his knees and crawled to Celestia. “But… but it’s only a contract, Celestia! To an agreement of another two seasons! We’d make a gold mine of profit off this show!”

“Will any of that profit go to me?”

Discord pointed to the table. “What do you think paid for all that wine and cake? Certainly not my checkbook!”

Celestia tapped her chin, humming under her breath. “Let’s see, what should I do?” Celestia tapped her hoof to the ground. “Oh, right, of course! Why didn’t I think of it sooner?”

Celestia grabbed the bill from a fearful waiter that had grown smart not to enter a twenty-foot radius of Celestia whenever she was on a date. That was just suicidal.

Shoving the bill in Discord’s face, Celestia said, “Thanks for the wonderful time, Discord, but I think I’ll pass. You can take your show and shove it where the sun don’t shine, because I will surely not be present there.” And with that, Celestia turned to depart, snatching another wine bottle on her way out.

Wiping the bill off his face, Discord grumbled. “Darn. I knew I should’ve waited until she was plastered before I dropped the contract on her.” Staring at the bill, a devious smile took root and soon blossomed to a sinister grin on Discord’s cheeks. “Although…”

Discord turned to the waiter, laying a single digit on his muzzle. “When was the last time Celestia dined here?”

If the waiter could gulp, he might have just swallowed his heart, lungs, and gallbladder all at once. Instead, he just squealed silently for a good ten seconds before Discord snapped his fingers a few time for him to continue. “J-just yesterday! Sh-she drank a b-b-bunch and then p-paid and left!”

“How’d she pay?”

“H-h-her Pretty Pony P-Princess Card!”

Discord leaned in closer. “Which means she’d have to sign the check, right? You still have it?”

If the waiter’s eyes could have returned into his sockets and exited through the back of his skull they would’ve. “I-I think so.”

“Great! Be a dear and grab it for me. A big, juicy, twenty percent tip will be waiting for you.”

“Twenty percent? Hot dog!” The waiter zipped to the kitchen, his outline composed of dust hanging where he stood before it dispersed to the ground.

“Sorry about this, Celestia, but I refuse not to lose my primetime slot now that it’s so close. A simple forgery is all I need. The show must go on, and if sacrifices must be made,” the bill in Discord’s paw burst into flames, “so be it.” Discord stared at the smoldering ash, laughing menacingly at the top of his lungs.

He stopped suddenly, coughing a fit once the smoke entered his lungs. “Shit, I forgot, I still need to pay for this. And the twenty percent tip… damnit!”

Chapter 51: Nameless, Not Heartless

Celestia winced her eyes. She covered her ears. But still, nothing was working! Nothing. Another second longer and she didn’t know what she would do.

“And then I said, ‘Whoa, whacko zombie chick, put your clothes and skin back on, I’m not that type of guy. Well, the type of guy who has enough to pay for that.’ And you know what she said to me. Well, she had the gall to—”

“I don’t care! I don’t, I don’t, I don’t!” Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs. She was terribly close to ripping out hooffuls of her mane, and at that point, the pain would have been a blessing if it could drown out the incentive talking of her date. Or rather, her date’s talking skull companion… who could float for whatever reason.

Morte the floating skull turned to Celestia’s true date and said, “See, Chief, I knew this gal was bad news. We should ditch her first chance we can get. Say you need to use the bathroom, then let’s cheese it.”

“I’m right here you know!”

Morte turned to her, the flesh of his eyeballs contrasting with the lifeless features of his skull… which was pretty much all there was of him. He was literally a floating skull. How he floated, Celestia didn’t know, and how he could talk without lungs, vocal cords, lips, and a tongue, she didn’t know either, and how exactly his eyeballs worked without a working brain, well… at that point Celestia pretty much gave up hope trying to make sense of him. All she knew was that he didn’t need a mouth or tongue to talk, and apparently the lack of them made him talk more. Endlessly more.

“Oh, riiiiiiight. So, yeah, Chief, how does that plan sound?”

Celestia growled at the skull that broke the theory of gravity, and rather than throw him against the restaurant wall, she glanced to her date. “Don’t you think this date would be much more enjoyable with just the two of us, Mister… uh… what was your name again?”

Her date swept some of his dreadlocks out of his soulless, grey eyes, and took a sip of his water. “I don’t have one.”

“Pardon?”

He sighed, resting his chin on his hand. His skin was an unhealthy shade of green, coupled with veins and wrinkles in such great abundance it appeared he was rotting from the outside. In fact, some of the wrinkles actually appeared to be scars, but in such great abundance the skin underneath was almost unrecognizable. Celestia couldn’t even begin to imagine how long it’d take to acquire all of them. Yet he appeared to be around thirty, and from Celestia’s careful note of his bulging muscles and impeccable six pack abs, was in remarkably good condition. Although his attire of skulls, bones, bandages, and leather as armor certainly didn’t help with his appearance, other than the fact he had those amazing abs proudly on display, which Celestia appreciated immensely.

“I literally have no name. I am typically just called ‘The Nameless One’ by everyone.” He shrugged, picking at his meal with a fork. “You soon learn to roll with it.”

“Well, if this date is to continue, I must call you by something.” Tapping her chin, Celestia sized him up a few times… for careful approximation, of course. Finally, she cleared her throat. “How does Nameless sound?”

“Anticlimactic,” Morte said.

“Good enough for me,” Nameless answered.

Celestia scowled at Morte, who—even without functioning eyelids or eyebrows—scowled back. “Like I said before, I think this date would go much more swimmingly if a certain dinner guest wasn’t currently present.”

“You know, she’s right, Chief.” Morte dunked his head in a bowl of ice cream and started devouring the icy treat right then and there (where the ice cream went is a question better left to the gods, who all collectively agree even they don’t know). “We would be having such a lovely time together if she wasn’t here.”

“I don’t leave Morte. Ever.” Nameless crossed his arms. “He’s the only one who knows of my past. I can’t lose him.”

“Your… past?”

Morte rolled his eyes, vanilla dripping out from between his teeth. “Oh great, now you’ve opened the floodgates.”

“What?”

Nameless grunted. “What you call floodgates, I call personal turmoil. Upon the beginning of my life in my world, all my memories were lost. Now, I am on a quest to retrieve them and discover who I truly am.”

Celestia’s jaw hung open, and she glanced to Morte to gauge his reaction as well. He just popped the cherry between his teeth and swallowed, a few seconds later burping out a seed that splattered against Celestia’s cheek.

“Well, to make a more condensed and overall less confusing explanation of the troubles that hang over the Chief’s shoulders, here’s the dealio. Chief here is immortal, in the sense each time he dies he comes back to life, except with no memories of his previous life. He’s like a copy without the substance. A flame without the candle. A whore without the—”

“That’s enough, Morte,” Nameless said, cutting him off. Morte groaned, but soon returned to his ice cream gorging. “What he has said is true. I am without a past. But I hope that with you, I will be able to have a future.”

“Wait, why me?” Celestia asked. “Not that I’m not flattered or anything, but wouldn’t your, erm, friend Morte be more insightful than I?”

Morte would have answered, but he was too busy crying over his brain freeze from rapid ice cream consumption. The two wisely ignored his cries of pain.

“Morte does not know everything that happened to me. There was… a period that we were separated. I did many things I regret. Many things before that too. From what he’s told me, I actually sought out immortality to atone for the sins from a crime that I cannot remember. But apparently it was so bad that it caused my homelands to slowly wither and die. Which leads up to the entire ‘my soul is damned forever no matter what I do’ part.” Nameless sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Basically, I became immortal so I wouldn’t be sent to an eternity of suffering upon my death. Except my immortality was screwed up, resulting in me resurrecting with no memories of my previous life every time I die.”

“Wow… I have to admit, out of all the immortality backfires, that’s probably the worst I’ve heard,” Celestia admitted. “I can’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like to have past incarnations I have no idea about.”

“I’ve actually met a few of them. They were very unpleasant individuals.” Nameless stared aimlessly in the distance and frowned. “Very unpleasant individuals.”

“But that still doesn’t answer my question of how you think I can help you.”

Nameless looked to her, his empty eyes freezing waterfalls from releasing a single drop. “I’m not exactly sure of that either. Perhaps I was hoping your magic could find a cure for my condition. Maybe a way to keep my memories upon any of my deaths. Or even a way to circumvent the deaths altogether… one way or the other.”

Celestia frowned, reaching out to rest a hoof over his hand. “Nameless, I’m not exactly sure I’m capable of helping you. I mean, my magic is great, but for what you ask, I’m not entirely positive I can do what you request.”

Nameless withdrew his hand and stood up. “It wasn’t a request, Celestia, merely a wish. Another wish I wasted.” Nameless picked Morte up off the ice cream bowl, his moans having finally died down. “Sorry to waste your time. The bill is already paid. I hope you have a nice night.”

Celestia bit her lip, hesitantly raising a hoof before Nameless had taken a few steps. “Wait, Nameless!”

Nameless turned around, staring from underneath his dreadlocks.

“I may not know how to find a way to help you now. But if I do more research in it, maybe request the help of my student, Twilight, I’m sure I can find a cure for you. Or at least some way to end the torment.” Celestia smiled meekly. “It is the least I can do for someone who has been such a kind and mannerly date to me.”

“You’re welcome!” Morte shouted.

“Not you!”

Nameless raised a hand, Morte floating lazily from his palm. “I thank you, Celestia, for your charity. If only I had something to repay you with.”

“Oh please, no payment is necessary,” Celestia said. “In fact, I simply must insist you stay in my castle in the meantime while I’m researching a spell to help you. I have plenty of rooms to spare.”

Nameless smiled, such an expression rare for his face. “Your kindness truly knows no ends. I’ll move in right away. You now have my name if it ever need to be called for assistance.”

“I’ll have servant accommodate you as soon as you’re ready.”

Nameless, still smiling as wide as can be, exited the restaurant with a hop and skip in his step. But Morte remained behind, vanilla still staining his jaw and teeth.

“Reeeeeal sly, princess, you definitely know how to be discreet about it,” Morte said.

Celestia arched a brow, a frown returning once she noticed Morte. “If you don’t mind me asking, discreet about what?”

“Discreet about the fact you wanna get into the Chief’s pants—er, actually, I think skirt is a better word. Or would it be called a toga?” Morte asked, humming under his breath. “Actually, kilt works best. Anyway, could you be any more obvious over the fact you’re only helping him out is because you’ve got the hots for Chief? I mean, the guy was only interested in this date with you just to find a way to cure his bottom of the barrel immortality.”

“I’m shocked that you would even think to accuse me, a princess and dignified ruler of an entire nation, of such selfish actions. Shocked and hurt.” Celestia rose from her seat and departed from the table and Morte. “I will not stand for such accusations, no sir. Learn about proper manners and we’ll commence this conversation at another time.”

“Proper manners?” Morte was practically fuming at the mouth. “Hey, princess, I’ve seen your profile picture! Dignified rulers don’t make those positions in front of a camera!”

Celestia glanced over her shoulder and stuck out her tongue. “Not if they don’t know how to work it,” she said, wiggling her rump while giving Morte a sly wink.

“Oh great,” Morte whispered, just as Celestia exited the restaurant. “Chief doesn’t stand a chance.”

Author's Notes:

I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE PLANESCAPE!
OH GOD I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT IT AREN'T I?
GOD I'M SUCH A LOOOOOOOOSER!

Guest Chapter: Memorized (Tatsurou)

Celestia raised her eyes from the table where the meal was set up before her to look out at the choice of venue. “I must say,” she said softly, “I hadn’t expected a date above Echo Canyon.” The intricately carved geological structure stretched for miles in both directions from where they sat, the slightest sound within the canyon setting up echoes of echoes that rang across the length and breadth of the canyon, spilling up and over the edge to sing out across the wasteland surrounding it.

“I’m not much of a one for crowds,” her date replied, leaning back in his chair. He was human in appearance, although the only part of him not covered by an all encompassing black robe and gloves was his finely chiseled face, his piercing green eyes, and his flaming red hair. Celestia admitted privately that he was quite handsome by human standards. “The wasteland... it speaks to me. And the hollow canyon... I’m comfortable here.”

Celestia suppressed her frown at the rather depressing tone of her date’s conversation. “I must admit, the view is breathtaking, Mr…” She hadn’t gotten his name yet, as his profile had only listed him as ‘Number VIII’.

He smirked at her. “It’s Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?”

Celestia chuckled. “I believe I do,” she replied. She glanced towards the meal, a vegetarian pasta that looked quite delicious. “You certainly are a gentleman,” she said, taking the human term into account, “choosing a meal based on my diet.”

“Made it myself,” Axel replied. “Never tried it before.”

Celestia took a bite. “Delicious. An excellent job for a first attempt.”

Axel chuckled dryly. “I have a way with flames.”

Celestia quirked an eyebrow up. “And yet you seem to have forgotten to light the candles,” she chuckled, beginning to gather her magic with the last light of the setting sun to light them herself.

Before she could, as the sunlight faded, Axel snapped his fingers. The candle wicks leapt into flame, illuminating the table. “I was waiting for sunset,” he said calmly. “Didn’t want to take away from either the candle light or the beauty of the sunset.”

Celestia smiled. “Well isn’t that romantic?” she said softly.

“If you say so,” Axel said, turning back towards the canyon.

Celestia frowned as she continued to eat. “For someone who’s gone to such effort for this date, you don’t seem very into it.”

Axel shrugged his shoulders. “This wasn’t my idea. My friend made me sign up before he...left.”

“Your friend?” Celestia inquired.

“Yeah,” Axel admitted. “Roxas.”

Celestia tilted her head as she examined Axel’s face. “He seems very important to you.”

“He’s the only one I’ve ever cared about,” Axel replied. “He makes... made me feel like I had a heart.”

Celestia’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

Axel sighed. “I’m a Nobody,” he explained. “The empty shell left behind when a person’s heart is consumed by darkness. I don’t have real feelings, a real heart. But I remember what it was like to have them, and so I can pretend.” He shook his head. “That’s why I don’t have any real enthusiasm for this date. It can’t go anywhere... when I have no heart.”

Celestia lowered her eyes as she thought about Axel’s words. She could feel that he truly believed what he said, but something about it all rang inherently false. Before long, she found what she thought was the hole in the logic. However, she couldn’t quite figure out how to explain it. Then inspiration struck, and she lifted a rock in her telekinesis. “Is this rock real?” she asked him.

Axel quirked up an eyebrow. “Duh.”

She dropped the rock, letting the clack as it hit the ground fill their ears. “That sound...is it real?”

Axel nodded. “Yeah. Where are you going with this?”

Lifting the rock again, she tossed it into the canyon. When it hit the bottom, the clack of its impact echoed through the canyon, the tunnels and other features warping the sound until it was completely different from the original sound, layering over each other into a sort of new harmony. “Are the echoes real?”

Axel shrugged. “Of course they are. You can hear them, can’t you?”

“But the sound is now completely different than how it was. The new echoes are made from echoes of the original sound, the original rock. How can it still be real?”

Axel shook his head. “Just because what originally spawned the sound is so far removed doesn’t make the sound any less real.”

“But it does for your feelings?” Celestia asked archly.

Axel looked at her sharply. “What are you talking about?”

Celestia smiled. “Look at this as a metaphor. The rock is your heart. It may be missing, but an echo of it remains within you. The first sound of the rock falling is the emotions of who you were when you had your heart inside you. The successive echoes—as different as they’d become—are the emotions you experience as you are now, those generated by the echo of your heart. But just because they are echoes doesn’t make them fake.”

Axel stared at her for a while. “Do you really think that’s true?”

Celestia’s smile softened. “Let me ask you this. If your friend signed you up for this and then left, and you were convinced nothing could come of this...why go through with it?”

Axel shrugged. “Because he did this for me. He thought it would be good for me, obviously. Because…” He frowned. “Because I didn’t want to turn my back on him... and hurt him.”

Celestia’s smile widened. “That’s an emotional decision, Axel, not a logical one. If you could only fake emotions, they wouldn’t factor in your decision making process. The fact that they do means they are quite real. Never doubt them again.”

Frowning, Axel conjured a chakram out of flames, fingering it as though its weight could reassure him. “That’s a lot to take in, Princess.”

Celestia shrugged her shoulders. “Take your time with it.” She giggled. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to give such reassurances. Comes with being a teacher.”

Axel quirked an eyebrow up. “You’re a teacher? Does that make me one of your students?”

Celestia chuckled. “If you are, you’re certainly a delinquent. I can tell that easily.”

“What are you going to do? Give me detention?” he asked playfully.

“If I have to,” Celestia replied, crossing her hooves under her chin.

“Careful, teach,” Axel cautioned, heat in his eyes and voice that had nothing to do with fire. “There’s no telling what I might do if I was all alone with you in the classroom.”

Celestia grinned widely. “We’ll see about that.”

Luna knocked carefully on the classroom door. “Sister?” she called. “Celestia, are you in there?”

There was shuffling inside. “Luna? Why are you here?”

“Spring break is over, Celestia,” Luna explained. “The school needs the classroom back.”

“A week already?” Celestia exclaimed, shocked. “Guess I lost track of time.”

“Easy to do that when you’re having fun,” Axel said as he opened the door.

Luna glanced over him. He was still dressed in his Organization XIII outfit, looking as unruffled as when he went into the classroom. Behind him, Celestia straightened a rather mussed—and rather skimpy—teacher outfit. Luna frowned. “Will we need the janitors?” she asked dryly.

“Definitely,” Axel replied as Celestia giggled. They headed towards the exit of the school.

Luna glanced in the classroom and noticed something missing. “Where’s the ruler?”

“I’ll send it back once Axel retrieves it and I’ve cleaned it!” Celestia called back.

Luna did her best not to vomit at the mental images that spawned in her mind.

Axel laughed. “This was fun, Celestia,” he said. “I hope we can do this again soon.”

“I hope so, too,” Celestia replied.

“It’ll have to wait until I finish dealing with my... compatriots, though,” he pointed out. “Still, shouldn’t be too hard. Besides that, I still need to find Roxas... so I can tell him what you’ve taught me.”

“I hope to meet him one day,” Celestia replied. “Until then, good luck.”

“You, too,” Axel said softly.

Two months later, the events of Kingdom Hearts 2 happened. Celestia spent the next month binging on chocolate and cider before eventually returning to herself—due to an intervention on the part of Luna, Twilight, and Deadpool—and then returned to the site.

Author's Notes:

Guest chapter written by the superbly super Tatsurou. Go check his stories out, such as the story where fillies dig giant robots if you liked this chapter!

Guest Chapter: Fool (Dawn Flower)

Celestia peeked over the top of her menu to get another look at her date for this evening. It was a simplistic anthropomorphic creature, whose diminished stature only came up to where her legs met with the rest of her body, and that was including the tall top hat it wore atop his head. Its misshapen facial features were comprised of bulbous eyes that looked like a failed arts and crafts project. It also had a prominent upturned snout while the remainder of its small white body displayed slender limbs and feet strangely akin to those of a rabbit. Despite those features, it had a slight indication of prestige with some high quality attire, consisting of a white top hat that nearly equalled it in height and a similarly coloured shirt with a frilled ruff worn under a white jacket.

He sat on the other side of the table to her, with a menu in his hands, and a cane resting beside his chair.

Celestia was still amazed that she had been able to get a reservation at a restaurant so easily, what with all the chaos that had happened during almost all of her other dates ruining her reputation across several worlds.

Taking it as a sign that this date might possibly go well, she decided to start things off and address her date. Putting her menu back down on the table, she cleared her throat and got ready to speak. “So, mister Excalibur, is it? Why don’t you tell me a little more abou…”

“Fool!” He suddenly cut her off, with his cane, which seemed to somehow instantly appear in his hand, pointed right in her face. He then quickly leapt up so that he was now standing on his chair; though this still only brought him up to eye level with the still sitting alicorn. “There are one thousand provisions for a date with me that you must abide by if you wish to continue the pleasure of being in my company.” Celestia was already regretting this date, which wasn’t anything strange for her at this point, but it still came much sooner than usual, which did not bode well for her. She already couldn’t stand this creature; but she decided to at least tough it out for a little longer.

“Provision No. 402: I am to be the one to start off every conversation, except for the times when I do not want to talk.”

Celestia was confused. “But how am I supposed to know…”

“Fool!” He cut her off again, again pointing his cane right in her face. Letting out an annoyed sigh, Celestia simply pushed the cane away from her.

“Now then,” Excalibur started again, bringing his cane back down and positioning it in front of him, holding it with both of arms. “Provision No. 001: I start off every date with a cup of coffee with cream.” Excalibur stated.

At this, Celestia took a confused glance at the cup of tea that was sitting in front of her date for this evening. “But you’re drinking tea…”

“Fool!” He again cut her off, pointing his cane in her face once again as well. Placing it back down in front of him again and putting both hands on it, he then turned his head to the side, looking away a little, with an air of superiority about him. “Like I said: I start off every date with a cup of coffee with cream.”

Celestia let out another sigh of annoyance. That kind of thing had become a regular breathing exercise for her lately. She was again considering bailing on this date already, but if she was being completely honest, she had still had worse dates, so she could at least stick it out for a little bit longer.

Trying to compose herself, using the same breathing exercises that she taught her niece, she breathed in and then out again. Once she felt that she was in a better frame of mind, she put on a friendly smile, and returned her full attention to her date. “Alright then, now how about you tell me…”

“Fool!” He cut her off again.

Celestia’s face slumped. “Five more minutes.”

Trying again to regain her composure, Celestia let out yet another sigh. “Like I was trying to say…”

“Fool!”

“I’m just trying to…”

“Fool!”

“But I…”

“Fool!”

“Just tell me about yourself!” Celestia screamed at the top of her lungs. She was nearly at her wits end with this guy.

“Oh, well why didn’t you say so.” Her date said in a suddenly more composed manner.

Celestia simply slumped back into her seat, rubbing at her temples with both of her hooves, to try and stop her brain from herniating itself. “Four more minutes.”

With the conversation now on him, Excalibur sat back in his chair, comfortably, with his cane between his legs. “My legend dates back to the twelfth century, you see. My legend is very old; the twelfth century was a long time ago. As you can no doubt tell from that, I am quite famous, indeed.”

Celestia sat up straighter at that remark. The twelfth century was only nine hundred years ago. If that was when his legend first arose, that would make him quite young for an immortal. She supposed she could always chalk up his strange mannerisms to his youth. At least she hoped.

“Would you like to hear more about my amazing exploits?” Excalibur asked, his words dripping with pride.

Celestia let out another sigh again. “Sure, why not?”

“Well you don’t sound all that enthusiastic about it, but alright.” He spoke in a rushed tone. “My legend dates back to the twelfth century.” He continued, in a much hammier tone.

Excalibur then used his magic power to create a flashback that they could both see, in the middle of the table, between the two of them. It appeared before them in a small mist, which began parting out from the centre, revealing the images inside.

In the flashback, there was a strong, dashing warrior, clad in silver armor with red cloth flaps, riding atop a magnificent steed. Celestia had to admit, that she would rather be on a date with this warrior right now. Next to the man, stood Excalibur, who in the flashback, sported a beard and moustache that ran all the way down his long snout to his chin. He had a composed and serious look on his face, with both hands placed on his cane, planted firmly in the ground in front of him.

The two of them both stood on the edge of a cliff, overlooking a battlefield, where a large army stood against them. The two of them were the only ones on their side, facing off against this mighty horde of enemies alone.

“Our enemies have amassed a great army to fight against us, it seems.” The warrior exclaimed.

“Yes. This will indeed be a battle for the ages.” Excalibur replied, also keeping his gaze straight forward, on their enemies.

“This will not be an easy fight to win.” The warrior then looked down from his horse, towards his comrade. “Excalibur, will you lend me your power, so that we might purge these invaders from our home?”

“Right!” Excalibur nodded affirmatively, with stalwart determination evident in his voice.

Celestia would have preferred that she were on a date with this Excalibur right now. He seemed like a true and respectable gentleman; chivalrous and rational, unlike the ten pounds of pure ego crammed into a five pound body, sitting in front of her right now.

Then was then a flash, and Excalibur’s body was suddenly engulfed in a majestic, golden light. The beam of light then shot straight into the warrior’s outstretched hand, coalescing into a radiant, golden broadsword of unparalleled beauty and unsurpassed symmetry.

Gripping Excalibur tightly in his hand, the warrior readied his steed and charged forward into battle, letting loose a mighty battle cry. As he neared his enemies, he let loose a single swipe of his sword, rending the very space in front of him, crushing rows upon rows of enemies, as he single handedly defeated an entire army.

After that scene had played out, the flashback faded away, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Celestia had to admit, that that was pretty amazing, and no doubt worthy of legend. However, she also found it strange, with how contradictory the Holy Sword’s personality seemed between then and now.

“Well,” Celestia started, now sounding more intrigued and wanting to know more about him. “That was certainly…”

“Fool!” Excalibur interrupted her yet again, pointing his cane right in her face, just inches away from her muzzle. “Provision No. 211: Never give me an answer before I ask the question first.” He then withdrew his cane from her face, brought it back in closer to his body, then turned his head slightly away to the side, and started humming gently to himself.

Celestia had to raise her hoof to her face to force herself to remain composed now. She was almost at her wits end, and her anger from before was now back and bigger than ever. “Who could ever tolerate this guy for more than a few minutes? Which reminds me; two more minutes. But how am I supposed to know wh…”

“Fool!” Excalibur quickly turned around to face her again, pointing his cane at her. “Provision No. 058: Never talk to me while I’m humming to myself.” That was the first time that he actually sounded agitated.

*Snap* (That was Celestia’s patience.)

“Would you kindly shut the buck up for once and stop being so obnoxious!” She screamed at him, using her Royal Canterlot Voice, her nostrils flaring. She hasn’t used that voice in over a thousand years, but this guy was so intolerable that she made an exception and fell back into old habits. Her first mistake was talking to him. No wait; her first mistake was agreeing to this date. But talking to him was definitely a close second.

“Fool!” Excalibur immediately retorted, quickly jumping back up to his feet. “You have just broken the most important provision for a date with me. Provision No. 111: Never speak out of turn.”

Celestia was now visibly shaking with rage, and her left eye twitched. “Here’s what I think of your stupid provisions!” She hissed through her teeth.

Converting all of the anger that she felt at the moment into raw energy, she then channelled that energy into her horn as it lit up in a golden aura, and she grabbed Excalibur’s cane. Resting easily from his grasp with her anger-enhanced strength, she then lifted it up into the air, between the two of them, and, with all of her rage fueled strength, she snapped it in two.

Feeling extremely refreshed after having gotten much of her stress out of her system by breaking her date’s cane, she smiled jovially to herself and dropped the two pieces of the accursed cane back down on the table. “Be thankful that wasn’t your spine.” She spoke with a proud smile on her face.

Simply staring back at Celestia, blinking once, and then looking down at his broken cane and blinking again, he then simply said, “You realize that you have to buy me a new cane now, right?”

Celestia couldn’t even form a response to that in the state she was in now, and her left eye started twitching, as her earlier rage started to return again.

“That was from the twelfth century, when my legend first arose. It’s not going to be easy to replace.” Excalibur stated matter-of-factly.

Looking back up towards Celestia, he could see her face literally turning red from anger, dangerously close to performing one of her faithful student’s so called ‘rage shifts’. Before she could explode however, he abruptly cut her off again, but it was not in the way that she expected. “Alright, I admit that perhaps I have been a little insensitive on our date so far, and I apologize for it. Please allow me to make it up to you.”

Celestia’s fuming red face suddenly softened, and returned to its usual splendid white. She blinked once. She certainly hadn’t been expecting that response. Perhaps maybe she had been too hasty in judging him, and…

“…with a song and dance number.” He suddenly piped up, in his usual over-the-top demeanor.

Celestia’s face immediately slumped again. There goes that thought.

Excalibur then once again stood up in his seat. “There is no creature alive that is not utterly captivated by my exquisite singing.” Excalibur stated, his voice dripping with pure, unadulterated ego.

He then pushed his chair out from the table and hopped off. When he had landed on the ground and walked a good distance away, so that he had enough space to dance, he then leaned forward, with one hand in the air, balancing on one leg.

Suddenly, he then hopped forward, in a rhythmic fashion. “♪Excalibur. Excalibur.♪” He started singing, in his normal speaking voice, while hopping and spinning around erratically, dancing, which probably would have looked better with the cane. “♪Excalibur. Excalibur.♪”

While in the middle of his singing and dancing, he then suddenly froze in place, completely silent, perched on his toes, leaning forward, balancing on one foot.

…

…

…

…

…

…

“So are you don…”

“♪Excalibur.♪”

“You can stop now.”

“Fool!” Excalibur retorted, his hand pointed towards her face, as if he still had his cane.

Celestia just rolled her eyes, grunted in irritation, and facehooved hard. Why is it that she can only get a reservation at a restaurant these days for the dates that turn out horribly?

“One more minute.”

Luna sat on the couch in her chambers, with a pack of Cheetos lying next to her, spilled out on the couch. She had her controller held in front of her in her magical levitation, playing Legends of Equus Online.

She leaned forward in concentration. “Masher, cover me while I take out the objective.” She said to her teammate, through her headset.

While she was moving her character into position, she then suddenly heard the sound of hooves clopping against the marble of the castle floor, just outside her room. Given the late hour, as well as the orders/royal decree that she had given her guards not to come near her room during a gaming session, she figured that her sister must be back from her date now.

“NightWalker is A.F.K.” Luna spoke into her headset. She then slipped it further down her neck, as she picked herself up off the couch and made her way over to the door.

Poking her head out, she spotted her older sister having just walked passed her room, looking… well, pretty much the same way she always looked after one of her dates.

“Oh, Sister, you’re back. And how was your date this evening?” She asked, wanting to know all the details.

Stopping where she was, Celestia just stomped loudly, showing just how not-in-the-mood-to-talk-about-it she really was.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Luna.” She said in an eerily quiet tone. She then turned her head back to face her sister. “EVER!”

Normally, Luna would start badgering her sister for all of the details of her date, especially if they had gone badly; however, simply from the look that her sister was shooting her right now, she quickly shoved those thoughts aside and slowly backed away into her room, without disturbing her sister any more, and focusing on not gaining her ire.

After she retreated back on to her couch, she continued playing her game. “NightWalker is back online.” She said to her teammates, slipping her headset back over her ears.

As she continued playing her game, she thought back to the expression that her sister had on her face when she looked at her just now… and she shivered. “That was one scary look she gave me just now. I wouldn’t want to meet the immortal that could make my sister make that face.” She said to herself.

As she returned to her game, she then thought to herself, “I wonder if I could use that face for my Nightmare Night costume. It’s certainly scary enough.”

A moment later, she shook her head to get rid of those thoughts. “On second thought, that would be a very bad idea. I want to scare young foals, not traumatize them.”

Author's Notes:

First off, the story is alive once again! Different update schedule as well. New side stories as well once Dating Of A Godly Variety is done. Hope you guys are excited as I am! Also, looking for more guest chapters if anyone is willing to jump in on the fun (and also free story/author promotions)!

Guest chapter written by the immensely amazingly awesome Dawn Flower. Go check his stories out, such as Caged if you liked this chapter!

Excalibur is from Soul Eater, which can be summed up by this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgwPlctTH3g

Chapter 52: Good Date, Bad Execution

Celestia choked on her wine, it nearly spewing out of her nostrils. Holding back her laughter was a losing battle, and eventually she surrendered and just laughed to her heart’s content.

Finally drawing in a breath of air, Celestia sputtered, “Please, no more, I can hardly contain myself!”

Count Dracula smirked, his fangs glittering in the light. “But wait, there’s one more!” he said in an overdone royal accent, rubbing his clawed hands together. “What part of this restaurant do vampires not go into?”

“What?” Celestia asked, holding a hoof over her muzzle to stifle the giggles.

Dracula winked and whispered behind his raised hand, “The non-suckers section!”

Celestia nearly fell to the floor, her laughter so great. She was always a sucker for corny, cheesy, and any other variety of jokes that made everyone else but her groan and slap hooves to their face. Which was what half the restaurant was doing at the moment.

Wiping away tears, Celestia sipped from her wine glass, some of the wine sloshing from the brim, but she didn’t mind. She was more enamoured with her date with every passing moment, paying the alcohol little mind for the first time in… well, a long time.

“Dear my, Dracula, you’ll surely be my death.”

“I certainly don’t hope so. You are much too beautiful for an old bloodsucker like me to end.” Dracula winked. “Oh, but I kid, I kid, my bloodsucking days are long past me.”

Celestia arched a brow at his wine glass, which was a much darker shade than her own. “You sure?”

Raising his wine glass to his lips, Dracula sipped deeply. “Oh, this is donated blood from a bloodbank. I give them a couple of million dollars to do charity works, and in return I receive some blood as compensation.”

“That’s actually quite noble of you,” Celestia said, fluttering her eyelashes.

“Well, I am quite the nobleman,” Dracula said, his fangs perfectly white against his flawless chin and full lips. “Still a count, in fact. But my days ruling a castle are over.”

Celestia licked her lips of the last traces of wine. “Then what is your profession now, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Oh, I’m a patron of several charity organizations,” Dracula said with a bored tone, circling a finger around the brim of his glass. “You know, the usual. Homeless shelters, nature preserves, food for hungry children. I won’t bore you with the details.”

Celestia whistled. “My, my, my, quite the generous one, aren’t we?”

Dracula glanced up from his reflection in the blood to her, smiling slyly. “Once you’ve lived as long as I have and have done… well, unsavory things in turn, you realize what a gift immortality really is to better those around you. After so long abusing my gift—along with being killed and reincarnated more times than I could count because of it—I know now that my pursuit in life should be a noble one. One where I use my long lifespan to the best of my abilities to help the world in any way I can.” He winked. “And perhaps find some love along the way as well. Who would have guessed I had a bleeding heart?”

“Certainly not I, but I’m glad I found out.” Pushing her wineglass to the side, Celestia asked, “So, are you up for a second date as well?”

Now it was time for Dracula to arch a brow. “A second? With you? I’m surprised I made it alive through the first one, with your reputation and all.”

“Me as well, but might as well as keep on going while the good luck is rolling.” Celestia smiled, her white cheeks filled with a rosy glow. “So is that a yes?”

Dracula raised his glass up in a toast. “You can count on it.”

Discord slammed a paw against the control panel. The video on the screen flickered and then fuzzed, but it still remained the same. Celestia and Dracula, sharing a toast and laughing together.

“A good date? A good date? Impossible! Inconceivable! Some other word that begins with an ‘I,’ because I just can’t think of one!”

Discord checked the ratings bar on the opposite monitor. They were beginning to plummet. In fact, they were practically skydiving with a parachute filled with rocks!

“Oh no, no no no no no NO! This can’t be happening! No, I won’t allow it!” Discord glanced to the side, at the fat pile of moneybags. He floated to it and kissed the pile lovingly. “I won’t let those grubby cable companies steal you away from me, my love. Not today.”

He smiled, returning to the monitor to press a large red button. “Good thing I still have my backup plan ready to be executed at a moment’s notice!”

The video of Celestia and Dracula faded out, only to be replaced with the vague outline of someone hidden in shadows.

“You need me?” the figure said, its voice masked in a sinister robotic tone.

“Yes! Celestia’s latest date could be the one! Make sure that doesn’t happen!”

The figure grunted. “Any specific way you want me to do this?”

Discord waved a hand passively. “Whichever way you deem fit, just make sure Dracula doesn’t arrive at his second date tomorrow. Is that understood?”

The figure nodded slightly, the shadows fuzzing in and out of focus. “Yes, master. It shall be done at once.”

Discord nodded, just as the outline flickered out. “Good, good.” Discord’s lips raised themselves to the top of his mouth. Next to the red button, Discord pressed an even bigger and redder button (not a dark or lighter red, just redder).

“So, Celestia wants to date vampires now, eh?” Discord’s monitor flickered to life, dozens of images popping up on his screen. Profile images, in fact. “We’ll just see how long she lasts before she’s sucked dry! Muhahahahahahahahaha!”

Chapter 53: Chocolate Never Tasted So Sweet

“Deadpool?”

A sigh. “Yes?”

“I can’t sleep.”

Deadpool opened a lid and waited for his vision to adjust to the darkness. He lifted up his head and peeked over the couch to the stairs leading up to Fluttershy’s room. “Is it thundering again?”

“No.”

“Is your shadow scaring you again?”

“No.”

“Is it the boogyman?”

“No, he hasn’t come back ever since you gave him a wedgie.”

Deadpool snorted. “An atomic one, that nerd.”

“I’ve just been hearing a tapping on my window.” Several seconds of silence followed this. “C-could you come up and check it for me?”

Deadpool sighed. He kept on sighing the entire walk up the stairs to Fluttershy’s room. He sighed harder when his head collided with her door.

“Whoops, I forgot I closed the door.” After a few moments Fluttershy opened the door, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. “Th-thanks Deadpool.”

Deadpool’s eyes were even yellower than usual, nearly matching Fluttershy’s coat in color. “Yeah. Don’t mention it. Especially at two in the morning.” Throwing Fluttershy’s windows open with a flourish, Deadpool stuck his head out and glared at the silent, dark countryside. Just a poorly lit path to town, trees with their leaves hidden in the shadows, and a few scatterings of clouds in the starry night sky.

Closing the windows, Deadpool muttered, “Must’ve been your imagination. Or an animal. You like animals, don’tcha? If he taps on the window again, let him in and feed him dog food or something.”

“You sure you didn’t see anything?” Fluttershy asked, glancing to the window once again.

Deadpool turned his head to reply, but instead the door answered for him. His head was really going be sore in the morning, advanced healing factor or not. “Yeah! Preeeeetty sure!”

Fluttershy smiled, the entire room seeming to brighten up. “Oh, thank you so much, Deadpool! It just means the world to me you checked.”

Deadpool replied with a grunt and mumble, trudging down the steps back to the couch. However, once he plopped his body back onto the horribly lumpy, second-hand piece of furniture, his stomach growled.

“Ugh… I knew that damn vegan food wouldn’t satisfy me,” Deadpool growled, getting up for the second time in less than five minutes. “Vegan chimichangas. Not even Satan, and I’ve already met that dude, could come up with something so evil.”

Walking with one foot plodding after the other, he eventually reached the fridge and opened the door, only to be blinded by its bright white light. However, the light revealed no afterlife of eternal delight. Instead, it was filled with vegetables, fruits, and even…

“Tofu,” Deadpool snarled. “Why does she even have this shit? It’s supposed to be a meat substitute, but ponies don’t even eat meat!” After a few seconds of thought, Deadpool shook his head. “Nooooooo, she wouldn’t. Of course not. No way. Yet…”

Deadpool shrugged and instead withdrew some almond milk than dwell on that thought any longer. While he despised the milk, it was milk from a goddess’ teat when compared to soy milk. He shuddered at the mere thought of that awful excuse for a dairy product.

After opening a cabinet, Deadpool searched for what his belly was craving. And, surprisingly enough, there it was, his prayers finally answered instead of being sent to voicemail.

“Count Chocula,” Deadpool whispered in awe. He grabbed the cereal and held it with a loving touch, running a hand seductively up and down its box. “I didn’t even know Fluttershy had you. Or, heck, ponies in general! But finally, we are reunited once again.”

Sitting at Fluttershy’s table, Deadpool poured out enough of the chocolatey-good cereal to fill the brim of his bowl, and then drowned it in milk. Rubbing his hands together, Deadpool was just about to take a big bite out of his midnight snack, until he realized he was missing the crucial implement required for doing so.

“Huh, forgot my spoon,” he said.

“Here,” someone said beside him, handing him one.

Deadpool snatched it and eagerly dug it into his cereal. “Wow, thanks!” Pulling his mask up, Deadpool began to scoop up the cereal and consume it with a vigor that would have put any eight year-old out there to shame.

After a few minutes, Deadpool stopped, his spoon clattering to the floor. “Wait just one burger-flipping minute… I nearly forgot the best part!” Deadpool picked up the bowl and guzzled down to the last drop all the chocolate milk, sighing with content once he was done. “Ah, that hit the spot.”

Leaning back in his chair, Deadpool glanced at the table’s newcomer and asked, “So, Count Chocula, we meet again.”

The Count of Chocolate giggled, tapping his clawed fingers together as his buck-tooth grin shined in the kitchen’s dull light. “Indeed, Deadpool, indeed. It’s been a while.”

“Not since the General Mills incident of ‘92.”

Count Chocula nodded, glowering at Deadpool underneath his long, hooked nose.

“Shame what happened to Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute. But these type of things happen for a reason.”

“A reason indeed. Which is why I’m here,” Count Chocula said. His nails dug into the wood of the table, peeling back splinters.

“I’m guessing your date with Celestia didn’t blow over too well?” Deadpool guessed. He glanced at his weapons beside the couch, over ten feet away. Between him and them was a very pissed off chocolate themed vampire that had a vendetta against him.

“Truth be told, that’s why I came here originally. The others and I. But when I heard that you were in the same universe, well…” The Count’s eyes glowed a bright red for a second, “I knew I couldn’t pass the chance up.”

Deadpool’s legs tensed, his chair slowly sliding back. “What others?”

“My brethren. The children of the night, feasters of the flesh, suckers of the… well, you know.” The Count chuckled, a tongue wetting his buck-teeth. “None are as adamant about chocolate as I, but past that, we are all the same. Only one shall have Celestia as their prize.”

“But instead of going out on a date, you decided to sneak up on me in the middle of the night?” Deadpool snorted. “Dude, you seriously need to get your priorities right.”

“My priorities will be set once you’re six feet in the ground in over a dozen locations.”

Ten feet. That was all Deadpool needed. Just ten incredibly far away feet. “C’mon, Count, we don’t have to get violent. You remember what I did to Franken-Berry? They weren’t even able to identify his body until they collected every piece. And do I even have to remind you what happened to Boo-Berry?” Deadpool placed a hand on the back of his chair, staring at the Count’s crimson eyes. “I like your cereal, Chocula. That’s the only reason you’re not dead already.”

The Count giggled. “And I don’t like you, Deadpool. And that’s one of the many reasons you’re going to die tonight.”

The silence hung heavy in the air, building up for several seconds, ready to pop at any moment. Finally, Deadpool whispered, “Cookie Crisp is better, bitch.”

Count Chocula leaped in the air, claws extended, aimed right at Deadpool’s throat. “I want your BLOOD!”

Chapter 54: Nighttime Surprise

Sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. Succulent dreams in a creamy sauce of tiredness atop a sea of snoozing. Celestia was so enthralled with her sleep that she didn’t stir nor move a muscle. Her breathing was calm and her mind at ease, and all it took was slumbering deep into the unconscious mind that she had neglected for so long.

Mostly with alcohol, but still, she was enjoying it now.

It was during these slumbering hours that her subconscious state noticed something strange. Her bed was quite large—that was generally a rule when you were royalty and had tons of money—and usually she had plenty of room to stretch out. But this time, there was someone… else. Right beside her. Breathing heavily.

And then she felt fangs on her neck.

“THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!” Then on instinct she bucked the rude bedroom invader right in the nuts.

Her perpetrator instantly cried out and rolled off the bed screaming in pain. “One ball busted! Two balls busted! Ahhh, the entire thing is now a big, red zerooooo!”

“The hell?” Celestia lighted her horn, illuminating the entire room with her magic. Checking over the bed, there the invader laid, clutching his man-parts with his purple hands. “What the heck are you? And why are you in my room?”

“I’m Count von—motherfucking Christ my balls—Count!” the Count said, raising a hand in self-defense for his shattered family jewels. He was short, stocky, and purple all over. His outfit was a dark cloak with a monocle, all of which fit with the overall creepy vibe he was giving off with his close-cropped hair and really unattractive goatee.

Celestia hopped out of her bed and glared at him for several seconds, all while the Count muttered numbers and curses under his breath while clutching his nuts. Then, Celestia raised a hoof and hit him once again in the balls, a low-blow if anything else.

The Count screamed with a girlish shrieked and rolled on the floor, tears streaming down his long beak of a nose. “Fucking-fucker-fucked! Not once, but twice! Two! My balls are now dust!”

“You never did say why you were in my bed, Count von Cunt,” Celestia replied shortly, raising her hoof once again. “Now see, normally I’m nice...ish. But not when a creep sneaks into my bed and tries to suck my neck. You have to buy me dinner first before that happens. Now…” Celestia feinted a strike, making the Count flinch like an abused puppy, “why were you in my room?”

“F-f-four—wait, no—for a date!” the Count blubbered.

“But I’m already dating Dracula… at the moment. Which I think might actually work. Besides, I never agreed to a date with you on the dating site.”

The Count blinked. “What? Didn’t you hear?”

Celestia arched a brow with a deadpan look.

The Count got unsteadily to his feet, still hunched over. Whether this was because of the vampire cliche or extreme pain in his groin region was yet to be known.

“Dracula is dead. Well, at least the one you were with. There’s one, two, three, four, five—”

“I’m going to hit you again.”

“Over five hundred different Dracula’s flying around out there!” The Count rubbed his nutsack and grimaced. “And the one who bested the one you dated is now the head honcho of the counts. Numero uno. The big cheese, with exactly—”

Celestia threw a punch, forcing the Count to duck and cower on the floor.

“A-anyway, he’s in charge now, and has decreed it open season on you!”

“Open season?” Celestia gritted her teeth and sighed. “Why do I know that sounds like a bad thing?”

“Well, usually open season is a term used to describe the beginning of hunt—”

“Do I need to break your balls a third time tonight?”

The Count shook his head and held his hands together in a desperate plea. “No, no, no, no, not at all! Once was nice, twice was alright! I beg of you, no more pain tonight!”

“Fine.”

Celestia picked up the Count with her magic, particularly around his neck region, and squeezed tight. Bringing him to eye-level, she sneered at him.

“You never did answer my question, you know.” Celestia added more strength to the magic squeezing, turning the Count a deeper shade of purple around the cheeks. “Why were you in my bed, about to snack on my neck?”

“I’m… a registered sex offender into some really creepy stuff.”

Celestia rubbed her brow and sighed loudly. “Of course, of course. Do you happen to know who exactly the new head honcho count is?”

The Count laughed, though much weaker audibly since his neck was close to breaking in half because of the pressure of Celestia’s magic. “Ha! Sorry to say, Princess, but the worse you can do is kill me. The guy I know won’t kill me. In fact, he’d slice and dice me individually into small pieces and then put me back together again one by two by three by four by five by six by seven by eight by—”

Celestia upped the power on her magic, turning the Count’s head blue.

“Argh! Wait! I-I-I do know he’ll appear sometime tonight! Probably with everyone else, just to enjoy the bloodshed!”

Celestia frowned and lessened her hold on the Count’s trachea.

“Exactly how many vampires know about this?” When the Count opened his mouth, Celestia added, “And I swear if you start counting again I’ll throw you out a window.”

“Every vampire on the site. Which, I might add, is a number so high even I can’t count it all. Most likely an entire army is converging here for your blood! And maybe some coffee and a chance to talk. But most likely blood!”

“Great, just great.” Celestia eyed the Count for a moment and turned her muzzle away in disgust. “Just my luck a gross one appeared here first.”

“Well, I did have a car. The Countmobile!” The Count wiggled his bushy brows and licked his fangs. “I could… show you it.”

“Why don’t you get it started for me?” Celestia said. “I’m a bit busy at the moment dealing with a vampire army.”

This was followed by her throwing the Count out the window of her room, with him falling all the way out of her tower screaming distantly, “I caaaaaaaaaaan’t flyyyyyyyyy—”

KER-PLUNK!

“MY BALLS! AGAIN! THRICE!”

Author's Notes:

Back up and running. Stay for the show, since the story shall change drastically with a whole bunch of fun stuff. Like, totally awesome stuff, I swear.

Chapter 55: Infestation

“Careful, Chief.”

“I know, Morte.”

“No, but I really mean it. Careful.”

“Morte, I know.”

“Caaaaaarefully.”

“Morte—”

“Nice and slow, keep it going.”

“Morte, I swear if you don’t shut up.”

“Chief, no! No! It’s falling apart!”

“Stop screaming in my ear!”

“Nooooooooo!”

The tower of wooden blocks tumbled to the ground, much like Nameless’ hopes and dreams, along with Morte’s unlife expectancy.

“Ha! I told you I’d win!” Luna said, beaming at the two with a confidently smug grin of the newly victorious. This was, of course, followed by pointing her tongue at them.

“How could I lose to someone who doesn’t even have fingers at a game of Jenga?” Nameless questioned himself. His fingers feebly clutched at the fallen pieces.

Morte floated down and snapped his boney teeth together, shaking his head—which was an odd phenomenon since he was just a floating skull hanging in the air. “Damn, Chief, you just lost some major rep right there. I don’t know how you’ll be able to live with yourself.”

Nameless growled at Morte, causing the gravity-defying skull to scamper behind Luna’s back. “You’re about to know just how hard living is once I’m done with you.”

Luna giggled under her breath. “You two are quite a pair.” She poked Morte’s eyehole, him being completely unresponsive. “How long have you known one another?”

“Oh, we go waaaaaaay back,” Morte said. “Before this knucklehead could remember.”

“Is that supposed to be a joke?” Nameless asked.

“No, but your sex life is!” Morte laughed to himself, alone, the one chuckle in Luna’s room as the others stared at him silently. He didn’t seem to mind, however. “Ah, that still kills it. Just like Chief whenever he loses his memory.”

“I heard about that from my sister,” Luna said. “It must be terrible. Going through death so many times and not remembering a thing from it.”

Nameless shrugged, picking back up the pieces of the Jenga game. “It happens.”

“Way to articulate your deeper feelings and thoughts, Chief.”

Before Chief could reply with a snappy rebuttal, he paused, his head immediately turning towards the balcony in Luna’s room. “Did you hear that?”

“What?”

“I don’t have ears,” Morte reminded him.

Nameless peered at the balcony closely, his gaze never breaking. “I swore I just heard some shattering glass and then a really high-pitched voice screaming before it hit the earth with a wet crunch, breaking all their bones in their body simultaneously.”

“Y’know,” Morte said, “it could have been a pigeon.”

Nameless was already at the balcony, staring overhead as his eyes scanned the tower’s walls. “Luna, is Celestia’s bedroom right above yours?”

Luna joined him at the balcony. “Yes, a few stories higher. Why?”

“I think she could be in danger.” Nameless checked over the railing to the ground below. “That shrill shrieking was much too girlish for even Celestia to have produced. She most likely kicked someone out of a window of her room. But who? Who could possibly—”

Nameless’ cell phone started to play the Looney Tunes’ theme song.

Luna glanced at the phone he immediately pulled out of his pocket and asked, “Isn’t that a drug dealer’s cell phone?”

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes it is.”

“You watch too much Breaking Bad.”

“Aha, so it is!”

Nameless rolled his eyes and flipped his phone open. “Yes?”

“Yo, home dawg, what’s up in da hiz house?”

Nameless groaned deeply for a good ten seconds. “Deadpool.” Luna’s ears perked up at the mention of his name. “What is it?”

“Just wondering what you’re up to.”

“Lost a game of a Jenga.”

“Heh, playing Jenga with Luna at two in the morning and losing every time. That brings me back, man.” A sigh of nostalgia followed this.

Nameless tapped his foot on the ground, but as the sigh went on for a good half-minute he finally asked, “Anything else, Deadpool?”

“Lemme see… oh, right.” Dramatic pause followed this. “There’s a vampire invasion about to go after Celestia to bone her.”

Nameless stared at the receiver of his phone, then arched a brow. Luna whisked the phone out of his hand with her magic and asked, “When will they arrive?”

“Oh, I’m thinking pretty soon. Like, now. One of them tried to off me after some bad experiences in the past. He’s dead now. And was quite delicious, I might add.”

“How many vampires are we talking here?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, probably, like, a lot.”

Luna frowned. “What do you mean by ‘a lot?’”

“Like, a lot a lot which is a lot.”

Luna groaned, much like Nameless did not thirty seconds ago. “Great, why am I not surprised. I’ll get the garlic cloves and stakes I suppose. Too bad the last of the holy water was ruined by you.”

“Hey, I thought that was mouthwash! How was I supposed to know?”

Luna gritted her teeth. “Fine, fine, whatever. Anything else we should know before the blood-suckers arrive?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh yeah. I found out from chocolate boy who their boss is. Some dude so over-powered he’s practically OP, which in itself is pretty redundant but gets the point across how OP he is. Which is pretty frickin’ OP, I might add.”

“Any idea how to defeat him?”

“I’m getting the one item that can right at this moment! So, like, keep away and avoid pissing him off in the mean time.”

“How will we know what he looks like?” Luna asked.

Deadpool sniggered from the other end of the line. “Oh, trust me on this, you’ll know.”

The screams of the blood-addicted echoed in the halls of the castle, shattering air of stillness like a brick breaking through glass. Spine-tingling screams soon followed, and right outside Luna’s door could be heard bloodcurdling howls for what these home invaders truly wanted: fresh meat.

“He’s a pretty tough guy to miss.”

Chapter 56: Decimation

“It’s always vampires, isn’t it?”

Celestia sighed, tightening the drawstring on her crossbow until the bolt was fitted to launch.

“Whenever ungodly horrors happen while at night, it always has to be vampires. Jeez, this is so much of a cliche it hurts.” Celestia stared at the garlic laced tip of the bolt and smiled. “Well, not as much as this will, anyway.”

Celestia kicked her door open and pointed her crossbow down both ends of the hallway, poking her head out afterward to make sure the place was clear. Satisfied, she pointed the crossbow at the ceiling and said, “Okay, get down from there. I’ve seen too many movies to fall for that.”

From the dwelling of the shadows on the ceiling fell a figure hidden in black. It landed directly before Celestia, then approached her closer in a hunched over position.

“Whoa, hold it.” Celestia pointed the crossbow at where she was sure the creature’s heart was located. Or its liver. Either one would work. “Stop that clinging shadows trick and let me get a good look at you.”

The figure sighed, but finally obliged. The darkness that used to hide the figure now dispelled, revealing the hunched-over stranger. Celestia almost wished it hadn’t.

It was a creature unlike Celestia had ever seen before, and now wishes she never had to see for the rest of her immortal life. He was… simply appalling. His skin was a deathly pale color, with a tinge of grey that made it appear ashy. All of his hair had moved to his eyebrows, leaving his skull a perfectly white dome. His nose was so beaky it would make a hawk blush in envy, and his buck-tooth fangs could make a beaver swoon just at the sight. To complete the signature creep look was a black button-down coat and claws that looked as if they hadn’t been cleaned for centuries.

He smiled, and Celestia nearly vomited.

“Hello there, my dear,” he said, voice similar to a gust of air breezing into a cold, abandoned tomb. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

Celestia closed her eyes and held her breath, already telling that this guy smelled like the inside of a used casket. “Oh, how pleasant.”

“When I heard you’re looking for a suitor, I arrived as soon as I could.” He bowed to her, his beaky nose actually touching the floor. “I… am Count Orlok.”

“And I’m that one mare who has some important business to attend to, so, if you wouldn’t mind…” Celestia jerked her chin towards the other end of the hall opposite the two.

Count Orlok chuckled, though it sounded more like a wheeze from and old, brittle machine halfway to the scrapyard. “Oh, I do, my dear. For you see, I have important business to attend to... as well.” Count Orlok licked his lips. “I desire… a bride!”

“Why do you always add dramatic emphasis to everything you talk about?”

Count Orlok held his hand before his face, his fangs gleaming for some odd reason without any reflective light available. “For… dramatic emphasis!”

Celestia’s expression turned deadpan quicker than her sudden desire for a strong drink. “Yeeeeeeah, I know where this is headed already.” Celestia pulled the trigger of her crossbow, piercing Count Orlok where Celestia was pretty sure his heart was located at.

Count Orlok looked down at his pierced heart (or liver) and laughed. “You think that by stabbing me in the heart I’ll die? You fool! Nothing can destroy my fearsome might!”

Just as Count Orlok finished his sentence, a blade penetrated his skull from the back right out of his domed head.

“Oh really? Then what about this?” a seductive voice asked, right before Count Orlok’s head was cleaved right down the middle. This his body was chopped into individual slices, with all there being left was his legs. These were kicked away by the mysterious figure that had helped Celestia.

She stared disappointingly at the twin blades mounted on bracers to her arms, both of which were covered in dust. “Shame the old man didn’t have more blood in his system before dying off.” She blew off some of the dust, glancing at Celestia with a small smile and wink. “Sure was easy to kill, though.”

Celestia’s jaw nearly hit the floor at what she was seeing. Her savior was undeniably, impeccably, without a doubt one of the hottest humans she had ever seen. Actually, it was much more likelier she was a vampire. The fangs probably tipped her off.

She had a shapely, curved figure that drew the eyes to her ample assets both in the back and the front, with skin as white as snow and looking just as fun to jump into. She was dressed in what could only be described as functional badass lingerie with red and black the main color pallet, although none of the red could compare to her hair. It was as if she dipped it in blood every night.

“Name’s Rayne,” she said, voice as cold as a blizzard yet as enticing as a warm fire, “and you must be Celestia.”

“Uhhhhhh.”

“I heard about the recent vampire problem that was going to meet at your doorstep. Doesn’t take much for all these bloodsuckers to get riled up. When I got wind I thought I’d drop on by, kill as many as these creeps as I could before the party was over. Part of my job, but also…” Rayne smirked, her fangs barely seen on her blood-red lips. “To have a little fun as well.”

Celestia still hadn’t picked up her jaw from the floor.

Rayne arched a brow. “Um… hey, you okay? Do you need my help or—”

“Do you want to go out with me?” Celestia blurted out, before quickly covering her mouth with a hoof and turning a darker shade of red than Rayne’s hair.

Rayne chuckled, her voice sounding like water splashing in a stream during the winter. “Well, you’re certainly one to go for the important questions, aren’t you?” Rayne pursed her lips and drummed a finger against her chin, undaunted by the enormous blade inches from her head. “Actually, I’ll cut you a deal. You help me with the vampire slaying, and we’ll grab a cup of coffee after this. Deal?”

“DEAL!”

Author's Notes:

Lesbians hue hue hue.

Chapter 57: Shopping

“Spill, aisle three. Spill, aisle three.”

Deadpool glanced upward at the general items listed under each aisle number. “Huh. Either it’s pasta or uranium.” A scream, followed by nails scraping against the floor soon followed after. “Nope, looks like eldritch abomination munchies it is.”

Fluttershy followed close to his leg, her eyes darting back and forth at the objects they crossed: mustard, grenade launchers, mustard gas, agent orange, orange juice. All manner of produce and weapons made to kill in great numbers along with causing intense agony were stacked on either side.

“Uh, Deadpool, why are we at the supermarket at two in the morning?” Fluttershy asked. She immediately ducked behind Deadpool when another shopper crossed their path. This one was at least six and a half feet tall, hairy all over, wickedly handsome, and appeared like a wolf had done the dirty dance with a human and this guy was the result.

“Hey, Sabretooth,” Deadpool said, halting to grab a pickle jar from the shelf.

“How’s it hanging, Deadpool?” Sabretooth answered. He grinned at the pair, his razor-sharp fangs peeking out from between his lips for a brief flash.

“Two inches off the ground!”

The duo shared a laugh, with Fluttershy chuckling nervously while keeping Deadpool between her and this Sabretooth fellow. He appeared to be even hairier than most of the animals she had back at her home.

Sabretooth grabbed two extra-large bags of kibble and hefted them on his shoulders, untroubled by their weight. “So, whatcha here for?” Sabretooth asked, his voice as gruff as a dull blade on a bear. He looked to Fluttershy and smirked. “Brought your pet along?”

“This is Fluttershy, and apparently in our current living conditions I’m her pet,” Deadpool said.

Sabretooth glanced at her again, and Fluttershy gave him an awkward wave. She hid further into Deadpool’s shadow after this.

“Anyway, I’m here to pick up supplies for killing vampires.” Deadpool pointed to the multiple cloves of garlic and golden holy crosses stacked up in his cart. “Have a recent… infestation I need to take care of. What about you?”

“Food for the dogs.” Sabretooth shrugged, even with his heavy load on his shoulders. “I used to just feed them scraps when I went hunting, but, erm, going good has me thinking more about being…”

“More responsible for your animals?” Fluttershy guessed.

Sabretooth smiled. “Nah. More like leaving less blood tracks in the house.”

As Fluttershy held back a scream, Deadpool said, “You know, Oxiclean really helps keep the tough stains out. Or so Billy Mays’ ghost tells me. Did I tell you the time I had to fight him—”

“And Mr. Rogers’ ghost. Yeah. I read about it in your blog,” Sabretooth said.

“And I read how in your blog you’re doing yoga and picking up litter under overpasses.”

Sabretooth rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, after turning good I kind of turned myself in. Lucky I got community service instead of years in prison.”

“And the yoga?”

“Relaxing.” Sabretooth turned his neck side to side quickly, a few cracks being heard from each turn like a gun going off. “Just cause I’m good doesn’t mean I still don’t have... tendencies.”

“I find killing people helps my tendencies.”

Fluttershy squeaked beside him.

“Oh, right, nearly forgot.” Deadpool pulled from his pocket (if you didn’t already notice he has a ton of them) a scrap of paper and showed it to Sabretooth. “Since you used to be a major league baddie and all that, by chance do you know who this guy is?”

Sabretooth picked up the piece of paper and frowned. “Why does it smell like chocolate?”

“Complications.”

Sabretooth’s eyes briefly glinted as they passed over the name. “Ooooh boy. This one, huh? Didn’t think he’d make an appearance again. But for someone like Celestia, I’m not surprised.”

“You know about that?” Deadpool asked.

Sabretooth nodded, passing the scrap of paper back. “Know about it? I’m part of the site. Practically everyone knows Canterlot castle is bloodsucker stomping grounds for the entire night.”

Deadpool slammed his fist against his cart. “Damnit! Then I’m going to miss all the fun!”

Fluttershy poked Deadpool’s side. “Deadpool, I’m tired.”

“Later, Fluttershy. But first, we’re gonna kill as many vampires as possible in the quickest amount of time so that I can formally declare myself the vampire slaying master of the multiverse.” Deadpool slowly shook his fist and stared off more blankly than usual into the distance. “That’ll show Abe Lincoln and Blade. That’ll show them all.”

“Well, if you want my advice, I’d go after the special they’re selling on aisle ten,” Sabretooth said.

“The two for one deal for shurikens?”

“Well, yeah, but the other special.”

“Oooooooh, riiiiiiiight.” Deadpool winked at Sabretooth and made his way down the aisle with Fluttershy in tow. “Thanks a ton! Hope you don’t suddenly go back to being evil! But if you do, we should really get back together sometime over coffee!”

“Deadpool, where are we?” Fluttershy asked.

“The most magical place in the multiverse, Fluttershy,” Deadpool answered, pulling up his cart into the next aisle. “Walmart.”

Chapter 58: Slaying Ain't Easy

“You know,” Nameless said, ripping out the head of his axe from another vampire skull, “it doesn’t make much sense for vampires to be invading the castle in the first place.”

“Oh?” Luna ducked, barely avoiding the deathly sharp claws of an overeager vampire spawn. His was a kind of lesser bloodsuckers, just imps and pawns for the bigger fish to throw in the fryer, but still, he was an ugly one. Like a dried up marshmallow that had grown teeth, limbs, claws, and smelled like sour milk.

Nameless sidestepped a vampire charging right at him. He lobbed its head from its shoulders with a swipe as it passed on by, kicking the head out of the way as two more replaced its spot. “Yeah. I mean, doesn’t your sister control the sun?”

“True, true,” Luna agreed. “I am curious as to why my sister hasn’t already done that from the get go.”

“I have a theory,” Morte said in passing, right before he bit the ear off a sinister vampire spawn that had attempted to sneak up on Nameless’ blindside.

“If it is about my sister being incompetent, forget it.” Luna summoned forth a barrier of magic to repel a clash of a small group of vampires from overwhelming her. Said barrier pushed these vampires against the wall and then some, smushing them together like a squished bag of gummy bears, only much more bloody and less gummy. “I still do not know why you harbor such ill feelings towards her.”

“Because she’s a jackass, that’s why. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“You don’t even have eyes.”

“That’s beside the point.”

Nameless growled with a deep, gruff voice, like his words were being suffocated by pain. Which wasn’t so far from the truth, seeing how a vampire was trying to rip his shoulder off with its teeth.

“I think the point is that we need to eliminate this vampire menace once and for all.” Nameless grabbed the shoulder-munching vampire in a meaty fist and crushed its skull inside his palm. He threw the slightly headless corpse to the side like a trash bag. “And currently Celestia is the only one who can help us achieve those goals.”

“But we’ve been fighting all through the castle and still haven’t found her. Not coat nor mane and not even her pompous yet huge ass!” Morte reminded him. “Where do you think Sunny Funtimes Princess has vamoosed to? Left us to lie hanging and die off is the way I’m seeing it.”

Luna rolled her eyes, right before a vampire’s disembodied head rolled off its neck. “Oh, please, don’t be ridiculous. My sister would never abandon me while I’m in danger.”

If Morte could arch a brow or even owned a brow he would have done so right then and there. “What about all the times you’ve done that to her?”

“Uh…”

“Also, what about the Nightmare Moon incident?”

“Come on, now you’re just getting political.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Nameless asked. He slashed downward with his axe, embedding it in the skull of a vampire who had conveniently opened its tooth-filled maw to attack him. He turned to the two of them, the vampire weakly struggling to pull out the axe from its face and mouth. “All we’ve been getting is the C-list vampires to fight. The losers, the weaklings, the undesired. Those who never stood a chance to win Celestia’s heart when the competition is so steep. If every big, bad, and downright despicable vampire on that website are gunning for Celestia, chances are they already found her.”

Luna stood still, barely registering the vampire feebly chomping on the force field between her and it. “Does… does that mean we’re too late?”

“It’s hard to tell,” Nameless replied. He shrugged, removing his axe from the still-standing vampire’s skull with a few tugs. “But I’d like to believe she’s still alive. Actually, I’m positive of it.”

“How do you know for certain?”

Nameless grinned, his smile spattered with blood spots. “Whoever is the brains behind this event doesn’t want her dead. Not be a long shot. Whatever their intentions are, it’s definitely one where they get Celestia in the end.”

Luna almost breathed a sigh of relief, but remembered group of vampires clawing at her shield, all of whom were dealt with by cutting off all their heads simultaneously with a single slash of her magic.

“Multi-kill!” Morte cried out. “Quick, quick, nuke these fuckers!”

Luna obliged. It was multi-kill, after all.

Her horn lit up and all three of them were enveloped in barriers of light, while the enemy were soon enveloped in barriers of fire, death, and third degree burns.

“You know, that would have been quicker and much more convenient around five minutes ago,” Nameless pointed out, though a smile could still be seen on his grim features.

“But not as fun,” Luna replied.

“The mare makes a point, Chief.”

Nameless nodded, then stepped forward once the inferno had died down and all that was left was ash and shattered bones.

“Fine, I contend to that. But finding your sister should be our top priority now.”

“Oh joy,” Morte muttered.

“Couldn’t agree more,” Luna said. “But where do you believe she’d end up at?”

“Well, vampires are always the dramatic, formal kind, aren’t they?”

Morte peered intently at the dusty black skull of one of the vampires, some fire still burning in the eye sockets. “Uh… usually.”

“Whoever coerced these events is definitely the dramatic type. Which means the show would have to happen where he’d have the best view available to enjoy all the carnage. And only one place has enough room for that in the castle.”

Luna paused for a second, then her face brightened up with a confident grin. “The ballroom!”

“BINGO!” Morte shouted. “B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. And Bingo was his name-o!”

Both Nameless and Luna stared at Morte with looks that bordered on strange to creeped out and even morbid curiosity.

“Morte… what the hell,” Nameless muttered.

“What, a good tune can’t be appreciated in this day and age?” Morte rolled his empty eye sockets. “Jeez, cut me some slack here guys, just trying to pick up the mood.”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “Even with the possibility that my sister could have been kidnapped by some crazed vampire boss who wants to cause a bloodbath to happen in the heart of my kingdom?”

“What part of ‘pick up the mood’ did you not understand?” Morte asked.

“Just… just forget it. To the ballroom it is.” Luna hefted up her golden cross and dipped the sharpened end of it into some garlic dipping sauce typically used for pizza but was now instead about to be dipped into the living dead.

“I just hope they have my dance number there. Which, y’know, is pretty tough to properly perform, with the lack of legs and all, but I gotta tell you, with the right amount of intuition and belief in your own abilities, almost anything is—”

“Morte, shut up,” both Luna and Nameless said at the same time.

While Morte and Nameless walked on ahead, Luna stopped in her tracks, staring into the distance before she shook her head and rubbed her temples.

“Damn… why did I have a sudden feelings of déjà vu?”

Chapter 59: Before The End... Cupcakes!

“I… can’t believe it.” Discord hugged the computer screen close to his face, eyeballs positively squished right against the screen. “The ratings have tripled! We’re beating Oprah by a longshot now! Wait, no, not even that! This is simply unprecedented! At this rate, we’ll be beating Fox News in the contest as the greatest comedy show in the multiverse!”

Discord squealed in childish glee to himself, kicking up his feet while he leaned back in his swivel chair. Before him were hundreds of tv monitors, all displaying feeds from the multiple hidden cameras throughout the castle. Most of them seemed to be focused on Celestia and Luna’s showers, but a good number were recording the videos of vampires being mutilated left and right.

“I can’t believe I didn’t come up with this sooner. A double horrorfest of blood and romance!” Discord said, snuggly dusting off his shoulder. “Quite brilliant, if I do say so myself. The 13-18 year old male crowd gets lesbians, the 16-25 female crowd gets vampires, and then the 19-848473676648473 crowd gets both at the same time! It’s hitting all the bases so well that I’m practically hitting a homerun with every second of video!”

Discord rubbed his claws together and stared at the video feed, where he just caught sight of Celestia decapitating a vampire whose head was then punted to Rayne to tear apart. “Oooh, scantily clad hot-hot-hotties! The 14 year old horny boys crowd is gonna love this!” Discord said. Seconds later Rayne was splattered in blood, which given her outfit matched perfectly, and she couldn’t help but lick off most of the mess herself… while still decapitating foes. Celestia had to do a double take, while Discord just clapped his claws together.

“Oooh, truly a match-made it bloody hell, eh Celestia? Keep it up with this fanged bimbo and the ratings are gonna net me more dough than I know what to do with.” Discord skipped a beat. “Wait… why do I want money again?”

When this question popped into his mind, immediately with it a cupcake appeared out of thin air. Double chocolate caramel, his favorite.

Shrugging, Discord snatched the cupcake and popped it in his mouth. “Eh, whatever. As long as the ratings roll in, I’m happy. And with the grand finale, it’s sure to be a blowout!”

Discord swiveled in his chair to check the largest of the monitors. One that was centered on the gardens outside, all of which was teeming with every blood-sucking, vein-tearing, artery-unclogging vampire from every dimension, universe, and cheap comic book you could think of. And directly in the center was a throne fit for some demonic, dark prince of… darkness (and apparently redundancy).

“He certainly knows how to be overly dramatic,” Discord muttered. “Sheesh, and the throne is made out of skulls, too? Where do they find these people?” Sighing, Discord leaned back in his seat and shrugged. “Eh, screw it. He’s pulling the shots here for the grand finale, so not much I can do to change it.”

Glancing at another monitor, Discord noticed the trio of Luna, Nameless, and Morte fighting a path right threw an incredibly weak and wimpy vampire horde. At the rate the group was traveling, they’d reach the gardens at any minute, just in time to intercept Celestia and Rayne.

Discord tutted under his breath. “My, oh my, how terribly inconvenient.” Flipping over a glass case on the control panel, Discord punched the big red button, which in turn opened up to reveal a much smaller green button, which he pressed to reveal a panel that contained a switch, which he finally switched on. “I think I’ll call just a few of the shots for now.”

Discord chuckled to himself while his devious action went into effect. A monster so terrifying that none of the trio had any chance at defeating it. Hell, not even he had a chance against such a vampiric abomination. It could probably take care of Mr. Pretty on his throne, but Discord didn’t want to press his luck. Not yet…

Especially when another one of his monitors alerted him of the competition that had just arrived.

“I gotta admit, you have some guts,” Discord said to the computer monitor that was focused on the vampire throne. “Getting all these vampires here just to throw as much mayhem and trouble as possible. All for one potential bride, too. Purely anarchic and downright crazy. So crazy it could just work, actually. Well, except, of course, for the unexpected surprise.”

The monitor right beside it showed an individual walking down the abandoned halls of the castle, en route to the gardens. He was shrouded completely in the blackness of light, the only signs of his existence the sinister glowing of his red eyes. Behind his wake he left on dreary dullness and downright despair hanging on the edge of his heels. He was without a doubt one of the most chilling individuals Discord had ever met, and that was just through a tv monitor. Luckily for him, he’ll never have to meet the real life version, unlike Celestia and company.

“I knew private messaging him on the website would be a brilliant idea. Just more added drama for the biggest vampire smackdown for this century and any other!” Discord laughed to himself, tugging lightly at his beard. “And with more drama, more ratings! And with more ratings, more money! And with more money… more money…”

Discord blinked, only for a cupcake to fill his vision instead of that pressing thought on the tip of his tongue he was about to speak aloud. However, before he could dwell further, he noticed the cupcake had printed in sprinkles on its top ‘Mo Money Mo Problems.’

“Damn, if that isn’t the truth of what.” Discord practically inhaled his sugary sweet and sighed in content. “Ah, cupcake, you truly understand me.”

Chapter 60: Top Of The Food Chain

“Where in the hell are all these vampires coming from?”

Before Celestia could answer Rayne’s question, Rayne had dismembered the skull of one particularly hungry bloodsucker, and then shoved the vampire’s head into the cranial area of his comrade. Needless to say, the gore levels were off the charts, and Rayne lapped up every drop that fell on her.

“Well, guess my popularity speaks for itself once again,” Celestia said. She ducked to the right, narrowly avoiding a white-skinned cretin with wickedly sharp black claws and bloody red chompers. Luckily for her, Rayne chopped it’s head right in two with a quick swipe of her blades.

Rayne leaped in the air and spun around in an arcing circle, her blades slicing through the air in a cyclone of death and incredibly sharp metal. At the end of her spin she left behind a trail of limbs and headless corpses, thus clearing the halls in one bloody instant.

Celestia whistled at the feat, the slightly headless vampire behind her still running around like a headless chicken. “Impressive.”

“I’ve been doing this for a long time. Once you get at it, you start making your killing sprees more… flashy.” Rayne grinned, her perfect pearly white teeth now coated in the blood of her enemies, which in fact made them appear more pinkish than anything else.

“I can certainly see that. Along with where all these vampires are coming from.” Celestia pointed towards the bloody trail leading out of the halls. “From my guess, it’s the gardens.”

“A sizeable force of vampires could certainly be grouped there.”

“More like an entire army,” Celestia said.

Rayne flicked the remaining blood off the ends of her weapons. “Then we haven’t a moment to lose. You ready to take down a bloodsucking army?”

“Suuuuuuure.” Celestia drew back the bolt on her crossbow, a clove of garlic at its end instead of a fine point. “We’ll still go for coffee after this, right?”

“Totally.”

“Sweeeeeet.”

“OH BY THE GODS IT HAS MY EYE! MY EYYYYYYYYYYE!”

Nameless and Luna stood to the side, staring with shared perplexion at the scene before them.

“Huh,” Nameless grunted.

“That’s… certainly an odd sight,” Luna added.

“Really, I didn’t see this coming.”

“Neither did I.”

“Weird, isn’t it?”

“Quite.”

“I mean, I certainly never expected to see something like this in my entire immortal lifetime.”

“I can definitely chalk this up as the strangest situation I’ve ever been a part of.”

“Really now?”

“Well, I mean, just look at it.”

“Hmmm… good point, good point.”

“GUYS!” Morte shrieked, just as the bunny ripped out his other eye. “A LITTLE HELP HERE FROM THIS HELLSPAWN!”

The bunny had appeared out of nowhere when the trio had been running down the halls, and in a matter of moments had pounced upon Morte in a merciless attack. Morte was certainly in a considerable amount of pain, but from any onlooker, it appeared quite hilarious to witness a floating skull getting his ass (metaphorically) kicked by a demonic bunny.

“Fine, fine,” Nameless said, reaching for his axe strapped to his back, “let me handle the beast.”

Just as Nameless approached the bunny, it threw Morte to the side and jumped at him, its fanged teeth poised to sink into his skin. In only a matter of seconds Nameless was disarmed, bitten, thrown against the ground, and finally crashed against the wall in a bonecrushing landing.

Luna arched a brow and grinned a tiny smile as Nameless lay moaning and Morte returned to screaming when the bunny set back on abusing his poor skeletal form. “Well, it looks like ‘Bunnicula’ is too much for you boys to handle, huh?”

“AGGGGGGGGGH MY TEETH! I NEED THOSE FOR EATING! WAIT, NO, NOT THE TONG—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!”

“I can’t feel my legs,” Nameless whispered. Looking across his body, he noticed both his legs had been ripped off from Bunnicula’s great strength. “Oh, well, that explains it.”

Luna’s horn lit up with a magic flare, and she took a defensive maneuver while inching closer and closer to Bunnicula. “Guess I’ll have to show the two of you how it’s done.”

Bunnicula immediately released Morte, much to the skull’s relief, and stared at Luna with its two little bloody red eyes. It had a snow-white coat, other than the black coloring that appeared similar to a cowl and cape against its back. “Heh, you actually do look a bit like Dracula.”

Bunnicula wiggled its nose, its whiskers twitching in a very adorable manner.

Luna straightened her back, bashing her eyes at the very cute little monster. “Awww, you’re not evil at all, are you?”

“I’M STILL BLIND OVER HERE!”

“Oh man, my legs are all the way across the hall. It’s gonna take me forever to crawl to them.”

Luna made some kissing noises and tapped her hoof on the flood. “C’mere little bunny. Don’t be shy.”

Hesitantly, Bunnicula hopped forward, slowly approaching Luna.

“There, there, what a cute little bunny. Aren’t you? Aren’t you just the cutest little—SHIT IT’S IN MY HAIR! AGGGGGGGGH IT’S SCALPING ME! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOOOOOOOOOFF!”

Deadpool and Fluttershy walked side by side into the throng of vampires ensembled in the gardens. There were vampires from all walks of life: from the extremely pretty to the extremely grotesque, from the bloodsuckers to the heart-eaters, from the cursed to the cursed with awesome, and so much more. But instead of tearing apart the duo, the vampire crowd immediately avoided even touching the pair.

“Uh… Deadpool. Why aren’t we dead yet?” Fluttershy asked. She was shivering worse than a tree in a hurricane and could hardly stare in the eye of any of these monsters, but still managed to stand by Deadpool’s side.

“Oh, they’re probably scared of what I got in my sack.”

“...What?”

“This one,” Deadpool said, pointing to the overburdened duffel bag strapped to his bag. “Oh, also something about my blood being extremely toxic to vampires.”

“Really?”

“Well, it was to Dracula, and that guy was a dick.”

The duo stopped at the stairs leading up to the throne of darkness, skulls, and general evil tendencies where there was seated an individual encased in shadows and ill intent. Although, the darkness was mostly from the poor lighting the area received.

“Yo, you the Big V?” Deadpool called out.

The seated individual rose up and spread out his hands. “Why yes, I am. Who do I have the pleasure of addressing?”

Deadpool dropped his duffel bag to the ground, striking a heroic pose atop it. Fluttershy just cowered in his shadow. “D-to-the-e-then-add-an-a-and-another-d-with-a-pool! Deadpool!”

“Never heard of you.”

“What, seriously?” Deadpool asked.

“Yep.”

“Oh, c’mon! I’m the Merc with a Mouth! Ninja Spider-Man! Talkingman! Regenerating Degenerate! Evil Evil Man! Heck, even Tom Cruise!”

“Wait, you’re Tom Cruise?”

Deadpool snapped his fingers. “Aha! So you have heard about me!”

The shadowy figure crossed his arms. “Okay, I’ve grown bored with this back and forth already. If you don’t have anything interesting to say, you die. If you do have something interesting to say, then say it so I can kill you once you’re done.”

“So if I keep on talking you won’t kill me, right?”

“Oh for the love of God, no.”

“Then I have only this to say!” Deadpool lifted up his duffel bag and pointed it at the shadowy figure. “I, Deadpool, have come here to slay you, Alucard! Prepare for your death, for I assure you, you’ll end up in a pool of your own blood, dead!” Deadpool leaned down to Fluttershy and whispered, “Shy, write that line down. It was gold!”

“Sorry to say—actually, not really at all—I’m not Alucard. For it was not Alucard who set all the vampires against Celestia in the first place. It was not Alucard who invaded this castle with his own personal army. It was not Alucard who was behind this entire series of events and killed Dracula himself.”

From the shadows stepped forth in much better lighting a blonde man in what is perhaps the baggiest pants Deadpool had ever seen, with the most flamboyantly fruity outfit he’s ever seen either (and being in a world just filled with ridiculous costumes, that’s certainly saying something).

“It was me, Dio!” Dio said, pointing to himself and cackling madly.

Deadpool reached into one of his dozens of pockets and pulled out the note Count Chocula had written for him using his own blood. Noticing an arrow pointing to the other side, Deadpool flipped the bloody scrap of paper over and read it: “Just kidding. It was Dio all along. Go fuck yourself.”

“Uh… Deadpool, is this bad?” Fluttershy asked, her voice nearly drowned out in the collective laughing from all the vampires who had joined in with their master.

“Nah, of course not. We’re gonna be fine,” Deadpool assured her. “When in all actuality, the weapon I had been intending to use against Alucard is completely useless against Dio, and thus we both shall most likely die a horrifically bloody and gruesome death.”

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide. “Wh-what?”

“Oh, whoops, forgot to keep that in a thought bubble,” Deadpool said. “But yeah, we’re probably gonna die now.”

“R-really?”

“Well, not unless a miracle conveniently happens in the next twelve seconds that saves us at the very last moment from danger.”

Deadpool waited the allotted time, in which nothing happened except the vampires growing quiet and fixing him and Fluttershy with murderous glares of hunger and gluttonous lust.

“Oh, well, shit, this hella sucks.”

Author's Notes:

Chapter 61: When In Doubt, Wry It Out

“Prepare to meet a gruesome end the likes of which you have never before thought was possible!” Dio jumped from the edge of his throne, appearing in just a moment’s time before Deadpool and Fluttershy, like the shutter of a camera had just made him skip through space. “Unless, of course, you agree to work for me and give up whatever loyalty you have to your precious princess.”

Fluttershy peeked her head out from Deadpool’s shadow to fixate Dio with a murderous glare… well, more like a disapproving stare… actually, the best she could do was a stink eye, and even then it looked apologetic after a few seconds. “Betray Celestia? How could you even think we’d ever do something so horrible?”

“Yeah, that’s completely despicable!” Deadpool added, pointing a single digit at Dio’s face. “Betray the princess? You loco in the coco? Are you kookoo for Cocoa Puffs? Like I’d ever,” Deadpool poked Dio’s chest, “ever,” now he was poking his face, “eveeeeeeeeeeeeer,” and now his finger was in Dio’s eye, with Dio’s face being unemotional all the while, “agree to anything as ridiculous as that.”

Dio smiled a fanged grin, completely indifferent to Deadpool’s very dirty finger in his eye. “Very well.” Dio held up his hand, Deadpool’s dismembered limb hanging between his fingers, dripping blood and some bone marrow all over the floor. “I suppose the alternative of a long, painful, agonizing death is a better alternative.”

Deadpool looked at his hand still in Dio’s eye, then at the general area where his arm used to be, now leaking blood like a bodily Old Faithful. Looking down to Fluttershy, he said, “Dude does make a good point. Heck, he’s even using my pointer to point it out.”

“Deadpool, we just can’t betray the princess!” Fluttershy reminded him.

“We can betray her a little bit. Y’know, to keep on breathing.”

“Deadpool!”

“What about a tiiiiiiny bit? Just a smidge? Add a little dollop of traitor to make the pie of life taste all the sweeter?”

“Now you’re just making weird metaphors again.”

“Oh, well, excuuuuuuse me.” Deadpool pulled his finger out of Dio’s eye and snatched his arm out of Dio’s hand, attempting to slap it back to its leaking like a toddler’s diaper stump. “I get a little backstaby when I lose too much blood and my arm!”

“Why does this guy… vampire… drag queen want us to side with him anyway?” Fluttershy asked, waving her hoof at his sizable vampire army. “He already has all the minions he could want.”

“Because, my dear, you’re close to Celestia, and would make excellent targets to distract her while I prepare my feast,” Dio answered, smug grin being as unpleasing to the eyes as possible. “Those closest to the heart make for the easiest entrance, no?”

“You want… to eat Celestia?” Fluttershy asked, visibly green.

“Man, that’s gonna take a whole lotta steak sauce to cover her with. Especially her beauteous maximus region.” Fluttershy shot Deadpool a glare, of which he replied with, “Oh, my bad. I meant her butt. Jeez, have you seen the thing? Damn wonder she doesn’t cause an eclipse each time she flies.”

“I have no interest in consuming the princess,” Dio said. “I merely want her blood for myself. All of it, if I’m able to. Which, looking how things are going for me now, is a high possibility.”

“But why Celestia of all ponies?” Fluttershy asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Dio said, his head cocked to the side. His smile was noticeably wider than ever. “For her power! If I could drink her blood, then I shall control the paths of the sun and moon whenever I wanted! No longer shall I have to live in fear of sunlight! Instead, I shall turn this entire world dark, with me being the only light for those we are left! I shall be the ruler of this world and any others that fall in my path as I consume more and more power until the entire universe is under my foot, forever trapped in darkness and the black of night!”

What followed was evil methodical laughter. Fluttershy stared at Dio in a mix of terror, disturbance, and overall confusion. Deadpool cheered to himself when he finally got his arm back on.

Looking to Deadpool, Fluttershy asked, “Deadpool, are you seriously going to let this guy get away with this?”

“I’dunno, maybe.”

“Deadpool!”

“Oh, fine, fine,” Deadpool grumbled under his breath. Facing Dio, he flipped him the bird and said duly, “Out of all the villains I’ve been associated with--and trust me when I say that’s a higher population than most small countries--you have, hands down, the worst evil laugh I’ve ever seen.”

“WRYYYYYY!” Dio shouted, his face steaming now. “You dare insult my evil gloating?!”

“Unless you’re deaf along with being dumb, yes, I did.” Deadpool pulled out his favorite mini-uzi and went to town emptying the entire clip into Dio’s face. “Here, I hear lead is wonderful with helping your hearing.”

After around five seconds of uninterrupted round burst, Deadpool withdrew his uzi. Dio’s face was smoking, but there wasn’t a scratch on him. Instead, he smiled, a river of bent and dented bullets pouring out of his mouth.

Deadpool clicked the trigger of his gun to no avail, and then promptly realized that things were about to become painful.

“Oh shi--”

“THE WORLD!”

Extremely painful.

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!”

Scratch that. A monumental amount of pain.

Author's Notes:

Dio is best character ever.

Guest Chapter: An Unfulfilling Meal (thereallegend123)

Celestia approached the table apprehensively. The stereotypically fancy restaurant’s attendant had pointed to this one, but she hoped he was mistaken. After reading her date’s profile, she had expected some sort of nautical law enforcement official/culinary-themed professional wrestler, with muscles threatening to burst through his cotton shirt, sunglasses framing his chiseled face... but instead, she found herself staring lamely at what looked like two arguing fast food mascots and a sentient ball of manure. She now knew why there was no profile picture.

“Shake, I don’t know what this coupon of yours said, but there ain’t no way it’s gonna cover a six-course lobster dinner for eight!” shouted the oversized floating box of fries.

“Exactly!” answered the gigantic paper cup, “You don’t know what it said. You just admitted that; it’s on the record now. However, I, being the only financially responsible one around here, knew a killer deal when I saw one and jumped on that like it was my freakin’ job. Next time you land an all-you-can-eat buffet at a joint like this, then you can tell yourself how to spend your own damn money!”

“This restaurant doesn’t even offer all-you-can-eat, Shake,” the box face-fried said. “Also, I actually have a job, and I ain’t payin’ for this when it blows up in your face, and then I’m not bailin’ your ass out of jail again!”

The two were interrupted by the brown mass of what now appeared to be half-cooked beef, who pounded the table and shouted, “Where’s my big boy glass, Frylock? I need a bigger glass for my chocolate milk, or else Princess Cellophane ain’t gonna know how much a man I is when she gets here!”

“Damn it, Meatwad, I told you that’s the biggest size glass that the restaurant has!” Frylock replied, “And you’re just gonna end up spilling your milk all over yourself, anyway.”

Meatwad’s expression darkened. “Don’t you act like you done got me figured out, mother[burp]er.”

“Excuse me,” Princess Celestia finally cut in, “but are any of you Mr. ‘Aqua Teen Hunger Force’?” The food items turned to face her before the cup smiled and spoke up.

“That would be me! Us! That’s us, that thing you just said. Is us. I’m Master Shake—please try to resist your ever-growing need to perform sex on me; that can wait—and this is Frylock and Meatwad!” He gestured to his companions. “They don’t do sex. That’s just my thing.”

Frylock raised an eyebrow and stage whispered to Shake, “You got us a date with a horse?”

“It’s a pony!” Meatwad exclaimed, “We gon’ have ourself a pony ride!”

“Shake,” Frylock asked, “can I talk to you privately?”

Shake shook his head. “Absolutely not. Anything you have to say can be said in front of my lovely, rich date here. But enough about her and her tons of money.” He turned to Celestia. “Let’s talk about me, and my oversized johnson!”

The princess recoiled in her chair. “Actually,” she began slowly, “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here. The notforeveralone.com profile described a six-foot-tall man—only one man, mind you—with a thick beard, a pronounced chin, and a Norwegian accent.”

“Hey,” Shake shouted, “don’t forget the penis!”

Celestia sighed. “—and a fourteen-inch penis.”

“Fourteen-point-two-inch, baby! I was specific!”

“Look,” Frylock sighed, “I’m sorry, but it looks like Master Shake here put up a bogus profile to get a date.” Shake nodded proudly.

Celestia rolled her eyes and groaned. “Are any of you even immortal?”

“We immortal!” Meatwad said while spilling chocolate milk down his face. “We done lost count o’ how many times we died, but we just keep comin’ back. We like Floyd Mayweather. He back, too. Dat’s what the TV said. But that boy gon’ get his butthole handed to him.” Meatwad lifted his glass and then smashed it on the floor. “I’m easily influenced by television violence.”

“Meatwad!” Frylock yelled.

“I can’t help it, boy. I got da urge in me. ‘The Urge to Surge.' Starring Manny Pacquiao, and Jamie Foxx. As Electro.” The longer Celestia listened to these creatures talk, the more she felt as if the various parts of her brain were trying to split up and find shelter.

Luckily, Frylock, who seemed to be the most sensible of the three, was there to explain: “Yeah, I guess you could say we’re immortal. Even our house just kinda reappears when it’s destroyed. Don’t ask me how it works.”

“Okay, so you’re immortal,” Celestia said as she rubbed her temples. It was going to take all her energy to take much more of this, but she was tired of dragging herself out to other dimensions only to have a date last less than a minute. “And you said you have a job, right? What do you do?”

Frylock sipped his coffee and carefully answered, “I’m, uh, currently in the, um, food service industry...”

“Ha!” Shake laughed. “Not anymore! I called your boss and said you were the one who gave his daughter herpes! You’ve flipped your last burger, my friend!”

Shake pounded his fry on the table. “That was Carl, you son of a—OH MY GOD!” His mouth dropped open as a line of waiters carrying platters marched over to the table and began to fill it with lobsters. When they ran out of room, they simply stacked the dishes on top of one another.

“Your six-course lobster dinner for eight sir,” one of the waiters finally said, bowing to Shake. Frylock’s face was frozen in a twitching contortion of rage and disbelief, while Shake gnawed ineffectively on a lobster claw, and Meatwad played with two lobsters like dolls. Celestia covered her face in her hooves and shook her head slowly. She just knew she was somehow going to end up paying for this.

Eventually, Frylock was able to slowly sputter out some words: “S-S-Shake, you do realize there are only four of us at this table, right?”

“Yemph,” replied Shake, mouth full of lobsters.

“And you also realize that meals traditionally have only four courses, right?” Frylock sounded dangerously near to spontaneous combustion.

“Yep,” said Shake, who had swallowed the lobsters whole, “but I’m special. I deserve special treatment.”

“Pew! Pew!” said Meatwad.

Frylock’s eyes were starting to glow. “You deserve to have a lobster shoved up your—”

“Excuse me, sir,” a waiter suddenly interjected, “but I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”

“No,” said Frylock, throwing his face in his fries, “No, no, NO! You said you paid for this with a [crunch]ing coupon, Shake!”

“Oh right,” Shake replied, “I may have exaggerated slightly on the—existence—of said coupon.”

The waiter continued, “I’m afraid we’re going to have to keep you here until we arrange an alternate method of payment. Those policemen are just a formality, I assure you.”

Celestia looked up to see over a dozen officers blocking the restaurant’s exit. This was not good.

“What?” Shake chuckled, “You didn’t really think a coupon would cover all this, did you, Frylock?”

For a split second, the entire restaurant was quiet. Then Frylock released the pent up energy from his eyes into Master Shake’s forehead, causing the cup’s entire upper half to explode in flames. Celestia, and several other diners, shrieked in horror as Frylock grabbed Meatwad and what was left of Shake and made for the exit. The police opened fire, but Frylock used his companions as shields and began blowing up the policemen’s heads as well.

Celestia finally overcame her shock enough to realize that she needed to end the carnage before everyone ended up dead. She quickly began to prepare the first spell that came to mind and aimed her horn at the Aqua Teens. ‘Approximate weight...’ she muttered, ‘Lunar alignment...’

As she fired the blast of magic, Shake, somehow still alive and aware, lifted one of the large silver platters in front of his charred body and shouted, “NOT TODAY, MOTHAAAAAAH!” The spell bounced off the reflective surface and hit Celestia right between her eyes.

Celestia woke to feel something poking her in the flank. She shook her leg and heard something scuttle away from her, followed by a high-pitched voice.

“Aw, dude, it’s alive!”

“Yes, I know that,” a deeper, monotonous voice replied, “That is what I said.”

“Nuh-uh, man, you said it was dead. You owe me five bucks!”

“I said it was dead?”

“Yeah!”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you [boop]ing did, dude! It’s alive, so I get five bucks!”

“You are clearly mistaken. It was I who said it was alive.”

“BULL[BOOP]!”

Celestia’s spinning head could take no more. “SILENCE!!!” she exclaimed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. She quickly rose and spun around, to discover two distressing facts: One, she was staring down a couple of neon two-dimensional creatures in the middle of a barren wasteland, and much more pressing, two, she was on the moon.

“Oh gross, dude, it’s a rainbow unicorn! GGAAAAAYYYY!” the pink one giggled.

“Do not be rude, Err. It is time for the traditional ‘Welcome to the Moon’ initiation party,” the green one said, lifting a moon rock over his head.

Celestia rubbed her temples once more. “Oh, [buy some apples].”

Author's Notes:

This guest chapter brought to you from the adult swim loving (a guess, but most likely true) and exceptionally well-endowed (proven fact, trust me) genius thereallegend123! He has no stories, but pester him anyway about how awesome he is. Also, final chapter of the vampire arc out tomorrow, super big update.

Chapter 62: All Horribles Things Thankfully Come To An End

“Huh… so this is what being just a disembodied head feels like,” Deadpool said. A pool of his blood had formed around Dio’s feet, mostly due to the fact Dio was holding his head in the palm of his hand. Just the head, actually. “Oooh, much breezier than I thought it’d be.”

“Well, that was disappointing,” Dio muttered. He gagged, letting Deadpool’s head drop with a plop on the ground. “Ugh, disgusting. What exactly is in your blood anyhow?”

“A deadly amount of high fructose corn syrup. Oh, also, cancer. A hella amount of cancer.”

Fluttershy blinked, staring at Deadpool’s head (the rest of his body parts had scattered like confetti) and then back at Dio, who was trying to wipe Deadpool’s blood off his fingers. “Wait, what happened? One second Deadpool was here and then he’s just… just a head.”

“Actually, I’d consider myself pretty behind right now.” Deadpool laughed at his own joke. “OH GOD THE PAIN! THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!” Deadpool breathed in, then out, and then gulped. “Okay, I’m better now.”

Fluttershy took a step towards Deadpool, then moved back at what she was considering to do: console a disembodied head of a maniac mercenary madman… who was also her friend but still.

“How can you even still breathe and talk without a body?” Fluttershy asked, knowing fully well what she was witnessing would require her to spend a fortune on therapy and then some.

Deadpool attempted to shrug… if he had shoulders to speak of. “Oh, I’dunno. Why is Reed Richards useless? Why doesn’t the Hulk take a chill pill? Why does Iron Man drink and drive his suit? Why doesn’t Spider-Man come out about his obsessive and undying love for me? It’s all quite simple, really.” Deadpool waited a few seconds, and then hastily whispered, “Because authors are dumbshits.”

“What?”

“Aliens. It’s aliens. Always aliens.”

Yawning, Dio kicked Deadpool’s head into the vampire horde, all of whom avoided it like a nuke-powered soccer ball.

“How pathetic. Another weakling to crush under the boot of my heel. Just like you, it seems,” Dio said, nonchalantly walking towards Fluttershy. He wiggled a single finger at her, licking the tips of his fangs as he did so. “I wonder which way you’ll enjoy your end more? With a tender kiss, or a caress?” He chuckled. “Actually, I have a splendid idea. Whichever way I kill you will be the opposite of the end of your precious princess. So, what’s it going to be, hmm?”

“S-stay back!” Fluttershy dived at the duffel bag Deadpool had brought with him, now considered useless against this unfamiliar foe. “I-I’m warning y-y-you!”

Dio barked out a laugh while Fluttershy struggled to unzip the duffel bag. “Warnings are such a waste when you have no viable threat to back them up.” Dio arched a brow once Fluttershy had opened the bag’s contents. “Unless you actually have one.”

Before Fluttershy could even look was inside, the duffel bag vanished. She blinked, feeling the slight presence of a wind on her cheek before she realized the space in front of her was empty. Looking to Dio, she saw an unfamiliar man… creature… thing beside him.

It was an all-gold behemoth of a man, wearing a triangle helmet that covered the top part of his face like a crown while he wore golden cables along his shoulders that reached his headgear, all the while he was covered in gold plating with the only open areas to show off his muscular build. Also, he was holding the duffel bag while Dio was laughing stereotypically villainously by his side.

“Oh, quite too easy, quite too easy indeed!” Dio snapped his fingers, and the golden figure dropped the duffel bag by his feet. “Deadpool wasn’t fast enough for the World and neither are you!”

Fluttershy back away slowly, but soon found her path blocked by the vampire army amassed by Dio himself. They were a sickly crew of monstrous abominations that didn’t even look like vampires, although Fluttershy was pretty sure they wouldn’t be too picky eating her flesh from drinking her blood. Also, chances were even if she flew Dio would just cut her to pieces before she could even flap her wings.

As Deadpool would say it, she was boned.

“Any last words before your untimely yet gruesome death?” Dio asked, both him and the ‘World’ crossing their arms over their chests.

Fluttershy closed her eyes, really squeezed them shut until it hurt, until not even tears could spring up. Relaxing her breathing, she finally peaked a single lid open.

She smiled.

This unsettled Dio enough to quickly glance upward at what Fluttershy’s attention was focused at.

He gulped.

“Aren’t sunrises wonderful?”

Chapter 63: Hindsight Is Gonna Be One Hell Of A Bitch Later That Day

“Quick! Close the door! For the love of everything holy, close the door!” Luna commanded just as she leaped through the door’s threshold.

Nameless was quick to slam the heavy iron door closed shut with a resounding boom. Sliding to the floor and breathing a sigh of relief, he whispered, “Goddamn… I didn’t think we’d survive that.”

“Remind me to never find bunnies cute ever again,” Luna said. She was splayed out on the floor, too beaten and bruised to even bother getting up. Nameless was much more worse for the wear: his barbaric armor was looking even more rugged than usual, countless bones in his body lay shattered, and his favorite weapon had earlier been snapped in two like a dried up twig. He was at least comforted by the thought he hadn’t turned out like...

“Morte!” Nameless tried in vain to jump back to his feet but was only successful in crying very similar to a little girl as his previous injuries reminded him how battered he was in the worst wake-up call imaginable. “Damn, I think he’s still in there with that… thing! We have to save him!”

“No worries. I got him… well, the top part of his, at least.” Luna got back on all fours and shook her mane. With a hard smack Morte fell from the confines of Luna’s mystical follicles. He didn’t look much worse for the wear… except for the fact his lower jaw was missing. “I think I like this version better.”

Sluggishly, Morte levitated back in the air and started in a groggy state at the two of them. Shaking his skull to and fro, he did a front flip and attempted to spin in the air, only successful in nearly dropping back to the floor.

“I think he’s trying to communicate with us,” Nameless guessed.

“What’s that, Lassie? Timmy fell down the well?” Luna sniggered, while Nameless tried—but ultimately failed—to keep his stoic facade. Then the first giggles started to bubble to the surface and at that point it was too late to hold back.

While the two shared a good laugh at Morte’s expense and horrible realization he can no longer speak, two other figures appeared down the shadows at the other end of the hall.

“Who goes there?!” Luna called out. She grabbed Morte and held him over her head in the classic defensive strategy of throwing the nearest item at hand at your opponent.

“Sister?” Celestia answered. Her horn glowed and soon the hallway was filled with tiny hanging flames that fluttered through the air like butterflies… that were on fire. “Luna, what are you doing here?”

“Searching for you so you don’t die, duh,” Luna said, a relieved grin visible on her face as she embraced Celestia. “Couldn’t let a bunch of bloodsuckers get my big sister’s neck, after all.”

The other figure that had been following Celestia politely coughed, drawing Luna’s attention.

“Oh wow. Is there a BDSM convention going on around here?” Luna asked.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Oh, I wish.” Pointing a hoof at Rayne, Celestia said, “Luna, meet Rayne. She’s a vampire who hunts other vampires. Also, my current date.”

“And she hasn’t tried to eat you?”

“Nope?”

“Didn’t even attempt to murder you thus far?”

“Not once.”

“Woooooow.” Luna blinked. “This is probably the best date you’ve ever had in months.”

“Oh, you’re quite right about that.” Celestia glanced to Rayne and slurped up some drool at the mere sight of Rayne’s curves, bust, and even her stripperific clothing. All of which were covered in blood, but hey, that just added onto the sexy attire as well. “Smoking hot lesbian vampire hottie! I’m living every colt’s dream right here!”

“Well, sorry to ruin the dream, but we still have a problem here,” Nameless reminded everyone. Morte was perched on his shoulder like a demented version of a parrot. Actually, since he was the only one of the group that couldn’t speak, the look was more ironic than anything else. “Namely, a bunch of vampires terrorizing the castle that aren’t going to disappear anytime soon. At least not until daybreak.”

“The Princess and I have handled them adequately enough up until meeting you three,” Rayne said. Her playful smirk revealed two fangs as clear as day even in the low illumination. “I believe any other threats can be dealt with easily as well, don’t you?”

Nameless scowled. “Sorry to say, but I’m a bit lacking on the easily assured side. These vampires need to have a leader of some sort, and whoever that is has enough power to keep the rest in line. That never mean a good thing, and certainly not someone who is a pushover and can be dealt with easily like all the rest.”

“We already know whatever army he has is gathered in the gardens,” Celestia said, pointing a hoof towards the door Nameless and Luna had previously jumped through to save their lives. “We were just about to cut through there to the grounds.”

“Uhhhhh… bad idea,” Luna said.

“But it’s a shortcut and can save us precious—”

“Bad idea, don’t even try, definitely not worth it,” Luna cut in.

Morte floated off of Nameless’ shoulder and appeared to be dancing a funny jig around Celestia’s head. Rayne swatted him out of the air when he attempted to reach closer to her, but still he kept on circling Celestia over and over again without end.

“Wait… I think he’s trying to tell us something,” Nameless was the first to say. “Something… about… Celestia?”

Morte spun and rose slightly in the air, clearly a signal for yes. Then he floated up higher still, until he was directly blocking out some light falling from a window. Said light was from the moon, still hanging unchanged up overhead with the entire sky around it a field of flickering stars and countless galaxies.

“Let’s see… Celestia… and the moon? Right?” Nameless asked.

Morte repeated the spin and jump, and then quickly descended to Celestia once more. This time he rose up from one side of Celestia’s body, crested over her back, and then withdrew back to the ground on the other side. Celestia kicked him when he attempted to going under her belly, but at that point the group had understood his message.

“So what Celestia should do is get the moon and move it down to bring the sun up, correct?” Nameless asked, with Morte responding with a simple nod. “Well… shit, that would have saved us a lot of time, wouldn’t it?”

“Wait, you could have just had killed all these vampires in the first place without any of my help?” Rayne asked Celestia, her hands on her hips and frown clearly evident. “We could have avoided so much bullshit if you had done that! Namely me being here in the first place!”

“But… I thought you wanted to be my date,” Celestia said. Her ears drooped downward at the sight of Rayne sneering at her.

“As if! I’m only interested in killing vampires. I don’t even consider romance a factor in my mission until every single vampire scumbag is wiped off this earth and every other one!” Rayne flicked her bangs out of her eyes and said, “Thanks a lot for wasting my time.”

While Celestia’s heart and extremely perverse sexual fantasies shattered, Luna nudged her shoulder with a concerned look on her face. “Not to, uh, make this any worse than it needs to be, but dear sister… why didn’t you just raise up the frickin moon?!”

“Because I didn’t want to turn psycho-crazy-evil-alpha-bitch like you did,” Celestia explained, wiping a few tears from her eyes while Rayne avoided even looking at her.

“Say what now?”

“Remember when you went all Nightmare Moon and genocidal on Equestria’s ass with endless night?”

Luna stared at her sister with a deadpan expression. “Yes, I was there, couldn’t miss it.”

“Yeah, well, thing is that you only really went fully into your evil counterpart transformation once you messed up the orbit of the moon along with keeping the sun forcibly at bay.” Celestia shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck. “I just always thought all this time that messing up the proper time for when the sun and moon are supposed to rise and set would make you go crazy or something. It’s why I always woke up on time to raise the sun properly each and every single morning for over a thousand years. And let me tell you, it was much more of a hassle back when they didn’t have alarm clocks.”

“Celestia, even if what you said is true, vampires are overrunning the castle and could potentially kill us all.” Luna gripped Celestia’s shoulders and drew her in close so that they were now eye to eye. “So please, pretty please, just raise the sun for a minute. Perhaps even thirty seconds. That’s all I’m asking. Just make this nightmare of a night end!”

Glancing from Luna’s desperate eyes to Nameless’ steely gaze and then to Morte’s… well, without a face it was tough to tell, but Celestia was pretty sure he was disgruntled in some way, and then to Rayne’s indifference, Celestia closed her eyes. Finally, she opened them and nodded to Luna.

“Sister, you’re right. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ll raise the sun early for thirty seconds and see if that defeats the vampire menace.”

Luna smiled and nodded. “You’re doing the right thing, sister, I’m sure of it.

Nameless and Luna stared at the giant burned hole in the ceiling. Both of them were covered in soot and several scrapes from the initial explosion. It had all happened so suddenly both could hardly make sense of what was happening at that very moment. However, once their ears had stopped ringing from the fiery magical eruption from before, they could finally make out a distant shouting.

“THE SUN SHALL NEVER SET ON EQUESTRIA! NEEEEEEEEVER! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the terrifying voice bellowed, now a distant inferno in the sky much brighter than the sun ever could be.

Both of them were speechless. However, the only one who wanted to speak and really needed to rub it in their faces about how he totally saw that coming couldn’t peep a word.

Looks like things just weren’t going Morte’s way that day.

Chapter 64: Sunny Complexion

“So, mind explaining to me why your sister went all psychopath?” Nameless asked Luna.

Luna slowly shook her head, unable to get the image of her sister’s fiery rage out of her mind. “I’m… not quite sure.”

“Well, she did mention moving the sun could drive her crazy. Like it did for you.”

“But I was moving the moon out of place for nearly a century!” Luna snapped.

Nameless arched a brow. Luna’s cheeks reddened while she averted her eyes.

“Ahem. Well, to be perfectly honest, my transformation into Nightmare Moon wasn’t just something that suddenly happened. It was a very gradual process.”

Nameless nodded in turn. “A process that involved moving the moon, I’m guess?”

“At first it was just a few minutes per day. Nothing more than that.” A faint smile hovered on Luna’s lips. “It was… nice to just have an extra couple of moments of nighttime to myself. Before the sun drove it all away. I thought ponies would appreciate a few more minutes of sleep, and I would enjoy those extra moments of tranquility.”

“And this pertains to Celestia’s freakout how, exactly?”

“Well, of course, moving the moon willy nilly like that didn’t fare well with my psyche.” Luna shuddered and held a hoof gently to her temple. “The passage of the moon to the sun and vice versa is another aspect of harmony that must be maintained. However, when I broke that cycle, even in small increments… it broke me.”

“Physically?” Nameless said. Luna scowled at him. “So… emotionally then? Mentally? Perhaps spiritually?”

Even Morte joined in the eye rolling for this one… and for some odd reason his eyes had grown back after they had been so horrifically pulled out and gorged upon only minutes earlier.

With a sigh, Luna shrugged. “I’m not exactly sure. It became addictive quickly enough. Soon I wanted the moon to remain in the sky for longer increments. First an hour, a day, a week, all of eternity. You know, a slow, gradual process.”

“Uh huh.”

“And once I was hooked there was no stopping me. My psyche broke, and with it the last bits of sanity I had were transformed into the wicked villain known as Nightmare Moon. Now keeping the moon in the sky was the only thought on my mind. My only purpose. And that purpose very well made me betray my own sister.” Luna shivered. “It… wasn’t exactly the best of times for me.”

“Okay, I think I got it.” Nameless nodded his head, scratching at some ancient scars obtained after a few centuries of forgotten battles and wars. “What I can’t understand is how Celestia went all… supernova after having had the sun up for less than a minute.”

Luna hummed under her breath, wracking her brain for answers. Finally, she brightened up and said, “Oh, I got it! When I was transforming into Nightmare Moon, my mental health was in great condition! I mean, other than the self-confidence issues. But with Celestia…”

Nameless’ eyes widened. “By the gods, you’re right! Celestia’s mental half was already teetering over the edge of insanity for months now!”

“I’m surprised she hasn’t snapped by now.”

“I think the alcohol mostly prevented that.”

“What about the cough syrup?”

“Ooooh, right, can’t forget that either.”

Luna blinked and pursed her lips. “Wow… if all it took was the sun being raised a few minutes early to drive my sister insane, then she hasn’t been very sane at all for a while now,” she said. “Perhaps it has to do with all her bad dates lately?”

Both Nameless and Morte shared a look, glanced back to Luna, then stared at each other for a moment longer. Finally, Nameless looked back to Luna and said, “No, of course not. It can’t possibly be so.”

“Really?”

“No.” Nameless pointed at Morte. “I knew Morte couldn’t contain himself from making a sarcastic remark and I helped sate his urges… just this once.”

Luna huffed out a breath and walked briskly past the two. “Even without your snarkiness, there’s still one matter to contain right now: my sister. Afterward, we’re putting an end to her dating habits for good.”

“Someone’s not gonna be happy about that,” Nameless grumbled under his breath as he followed Luna.

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.”

Discord stared at his computer monitors. He had the recent conversation between Luna and Nameless recorded, but he already knew he didn’t have to listen to it twice. It was already clear to him what was to go about.

Glancing to another monitor, Discord observed the raw footage of an inferno-consumed Celestia lay a beatdown to an army of vampires. Those that hadn’t been roasted to a crisp by the sun put up a pathetic resistance that only ended in flames when confronted by this fiery rampage. Dio was nowhere to be seen, Fluttershy was busy dodging fireballs and flaming vampire corpses, and Deadpool was… well, he had managed to put his body back together, albeit while on fire, and was currently punching a vampire until its head exploded in brains and ash.

“Great. Just great. My star has gone off the rocker,” Discord said. “Now what am I gonna do? How can I compete with HBO prime time slot now? How can I possibly beat The Big Bang Theory’s ratings at this rate? How, in the name of chaos and everything nasty, can I ever beat Ancient Aliens’ new season premiere?” Discord slammed his forehead on his control panel and feebly weaped. “I’m a faaaaaaaailuuuuuuuuure!”

“Diiiiiiiiscoooooooord. DIIIIIIIIIIIISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD! LOOK UP YOU BUM!”

Discord pulled his head back up, and after fumbling for his fallen eyeballs for a second he managed to shove them back in their sockets. He gasped at the sight before him, completely captivated by its beauty. “Holy crap, it’s the ghost of Michael Bay!”

Michael Bay’s ethereal form nodded. “Indeed, tis I, the Bay of the Michaels.”

Discord’s jubilation turned to confusion, and then finally doubt. “Wait a second… Michael Bay isn’t dead!”

“I’m dead on the inside,” Michael Bay’s ghost said. “How do you think I can make movies in the first place?”

Discord nodded. “Good point, good point. But what about Bad Boys II? That was a cinematic masterpiece!”

“To be perfectly honest, I loan my soul out to demons from time to time to obtain free stuff. Like right now, I got a KFC giftcard just for loaning out my soul to a demon for a measly five years.”

“Man, have I been there before.” Discord sighed as nostalgia rolled over him like a pleasant wave. “Ahh, college.”

“Anyway, I’m here to give you some advice on how to make your series the most popular thing ever before seen by mortal eyes!” Michael Bay’s ghost leaned closer. “Do you wish to learn the secrets of the Bay, my child?”

“Does it involve a copious amount of explosions?”

“Well, duh, but other than that,” Michael Bay’s ghost said, then paused for dramatic effect. “The real secret is finding what made the original series good, then pissing on it. All over it. Then kick it a few times and tell it no one loves it. Then you add the explosions.”

“Mmmmmhmmm.” Discord snapped his fingers and smiled. “I got it! And by got it, I mean I have no idea what that means!”

“The original isn’t working out so great for you now? Then just find something mediocre and add a shit-ton of CGI and explosions to it. Simple as that.” Michael Bay’s ghost winked and slowly began to disintegrate to the other spiritual plane, but not before saying, “Oh, also, while you have the chance, buy Transformers 4 on DVD.”

“I will totally not do that!” Discord said, waving in farewell to Michael Bay’s ghost. Once he had departed, Discord’s smile grew ever the wider while his hands rubbed together in ominous villain fashion. Also because it was cold in the computer room and his palms were getting a bit chilly. “So, the original isn’t good enough then, eh? Well, that won’t stop me at all!”

Discord turned on a switch, and suddenly dozens upon dozens of computer screens filling the entire wall flickered to life. All of them showed the same pony, only across an endless amount of worlds in a never ending existence of infinite possibilities. Infinite possibilities for Discord’s profit, that is.

“Who needs the original when I have a literally endless amount of replacements?!” Discord winked at the monitor showcasing Celestia fighting off the vampire horde with brutal violence and plenty of rampaging. “I hope you enjoy your last date, Celestia, because after this you’re through.”

Chapter 65: Late Arrivals

“LET THE FLAMES CONSUME THE SOUL AND BURN THE FLESH FROM THE BONE!”

Fluttershy huddled behind a stone statue, hooves around her head. Every second she cowered as flames licked the landscape in torrents and infernos. Any moment she could be the next to be fed to the blaze, but at the current time only the damned army of bloodsuckers were the victims. Those not burned alive by the blazing sun above were soon obliterated by Celestia below, no mercy spent on any of them.

Oh, also, there was Deadpool right beside her, rolling on the ground even though most of his body was on fire.

“Deadpool, what do we do?” Fluttershy said. She cringed as another explosion rocked the earth, making cracks in the ground spring up and for specks of lava to pour out. “Can’t you use whatever is in your bag to save us?!”

Deadpool took a moment from dropping and rolling to sit back up and rub his chin, which had mostly melted off. “Hmmm… nah, only good this would do would be against Alucard. But that jerk didn’t show up.” Deadpool shrugged, his early statement incomprehensible due to the fact his vocal cords had burned off around five minutes ago. “So basically we’re boned.”

“What?!”

“I said we’re boned!”

“Oh, what a mess.”

Deadpool stared at Fluttershy, but was quick to realize she had not uttered that sentence. Looking up right before him, his eyes grew wider (mostly due to the fact his eyelids were burning off, but also because of surprise).

“Well, shit, you sure know when to make grand dramatic entrances,” Deadpool said.

Alucard smiled, his fanged teeth glistening in the sunlight. His face was wrapped in dark shadows due to his widebrimmed red hat, his eyes were but orange lenses on wire-frame glasses, and the rest of his appearance was composed of a particularly gaudy red overcoat and suit that still wouldn’t have been particularly charming even a century ago, but from what Deadpool could tell, Alucard didn’t appear like the type of guy with charming in mind. Also a tan, but that was neither here nor there.

“Uh,” Fluttershy said, her lip practically trembling, “that’s… th-that’s… Alucard.”

“In the flesh, my dear,” Alucard said, his voice as smooth as satin as he took a bow and tipped his hat to her. “And then some, heheheh.” Glancing to Deadpool and his duffel bag, he arched a brow. “So, I presume you intend to kill me with that mystery device of yours?”

“Well, I was, but as you can see we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“You don’t say?”

If Deadpool had eyebrows to raise he would have.

Alucard raised himself back up to standing height and overlooked the fiery anarchy being wrought. The gardens were on fire, lots of vampires were dying, and there was Celestia in the middle of it, killing and burning in joyful glee.

“Well, I do believe I can be the solution to your problem,” Alucard said, reaching a gloved hand into one of the pockets of his coat. “Sorry for the wait, but traffic was just dreadful on the way over here. However, when I heard a vampire bash was being held, far be it from me to not show up.” From out of his coat he pulled a ridiculously long pistol that would require superhuman strength along with sight just to hit anything without the recoil breaking your hand. “And I came prepared, as always.”

“Wait, wait, I’m confused,” Fluttershy said, trading a look with Deadpool. “Why are you helping us and not just trying to kill us like everyone else?”

“Because killing you right now would be so easy it’d be a bore,” Alucard said with a frown on his flawlessly white face. “Besides, I heard your princess was looking for a date.” Alucard adjusted his bowtie and smirked. “And I do believe I have what it takes to win the lady’s heart.”

Deadpool rolled his eyes, which at this point were just two empty holes of flames. “Whoa, dude, don’t bullshit me,” Deadpool said. “What else is in this for you?”

“How can you even understand him?” Fluttershy asked Alucard, only catching dried out gibberish from Deadpool’s lack of lips.

“Super-hearing,” Alucard explained. “And yes, there is something else I want. In your duffel bag right there is something you presume can defeat me. After this is over, I want you to use it on me.” Alucard grinned a crazed and overall horrifying smile that split apart his face and could very well rip apart others. “I want to see if it has what it takes. To see if you have what can finally vanquish my never ending life. A fair deal, no?”

Deadpool hummed under his breath. “Well… eh, I’m sure there’s no harm in trying, right?”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Alucard turned from the two and made his way around the statue, gun held upward before him while he walked in a relaxed pace befitting one taking a walk through a park rather than a battlefield even Hell would be jealous of. “Oh, and do so try to keep from dying while I’m gone!”

“He’s right!” Deadpool agreed. “Fluttershy, go get me a bucket of water and ointment! I’m not going out while I still have a chance!”

Fluttershy blinked and stared at Deadpool blanky, who at this point was just a little bit away from being an extra-charred skeleton. “...What? No, seriously, I still can’t understand you.”

Deadpool facepalmed, resulting in his hand disintegrating into black dust. “Goddamnit, this is a way crispy way I thought it’d end for me.”

Author's Notes:

Except super epic vampire battle next chapter.