Welcome, fellow riff enthusiasts! Today’s story is called Smoking Makes You Look Cool by Regidar. It’s a brand spanking new story that just came out on (June 11, 2013.) It’s a short story about how the Cutie Mark Crusader start smoking cigarettes to be cool. It’s also pretty racist against earth ponies. Yes, even more racist than Carts’ Unicorn Theater. This story goes so far as to misstate facts about the show just to make earth ponies look pathetic! However, there are two good things about this story. 1. It’s short, clocking in at just under 1,500 words! 2. It has very few grammar or spelling mistakes! The original can be found here. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/108594/smoking-makes-you-look-cool

We join CartsBeforeHorses and Twilight Sparkle in Twilight’s library as Carts is learning new magic.

CartsBeforeHorses: UGGH!

*Carts’ horn sparks as he attempts to light a candle. A small flame appears on the candle, but then fizzles out.*

Wow, I never knew that lighting stuff on fire with magic was challenging.

Twilight Sparkle: Yeah.

Carts: Why not just get a lighter?

Twilight: What’s the fun in that?

*TV Turns on*

Pinkie Pie (from TV): Hello, Carts and Twilie!

Twilight: Hey, only my brother gets to call me Twilie!

Pinkie (from TV): Well EXCUSE ME, Princess!

Twilight: Hey, that’s... Well, I guess I am a princess now.

Rainbow Dash (from TV): Yeah, I’ll bet that takes some getting used to.

Pinkie (from TV): We just saw you trying to light that candle on fire, and we figured we’d just interrupt with a vaguely-related fic called Smoking Makes You Look Cool! It’s about the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and they start smoking to be cool. Also, it has racism in it too.

Carts: We seem to have been encountering that a lot, lately.

Twilight: That’s awful! They’re so young; they don’t need to do such an unhealthy thing!

Carts: Yeah! Kids under age thirteen shouldn’t smoke!

Pinkie (from TV): Well, they do in this story!

Carts: And hey, don’t we normally have a third pony to help us out with the riff?

Rainbow (from TV): Eh, it’s a short fic. You’ll get through it with just the two of you.

*Buzzer*

BOTH: We’ve got story sign!

“I’m bored,” announced Sweetie Belle one sweltering summer afternoon.

“Well so am I, but you don’t here me bitching about it,” Scootaloo said in a pissy voice. Don’t mind her, though, she’s just on her period.

Carts: She’s like, eight, Regidar.

“Guys, Ah know how to solve our boredom problem!”

Twilight: It’s a little game called Minecraft!

That filthy earth pony, Apple Bloom, came skipping down the path, blissfully unaware that she was significantly less endowed than her glorious unicorn master race friend, Sweetie Belle.

Carts: Wow. I mean, yeah, earth ponies suck, and I make fun of them sometimes on this show (since it is called Carts’ Unicorn Theater), but you gotta be more subtle about it than that.

Twilight: Some of my best friends are earth ponies.

“How?” asked the glorious Sweetie, her horn shining majestically in the summertime sun.

Carts: Yeah, you gotta talk up Sweetie Belle’s beauty if you want to get ANYwhere on FimFiction.

Twilight: Especially the feature box.

Apple Bloom reached into her back pocket, which she had installed on her blank butt,

Twilight: Ouch.

and retrieved a small rectangular package. “Ah filched these from Applejack!”

Scootaloo looked at the package, her tiny yet supple pegasus brain working at full capacity to understand what was inside.

“Shit, are those smokes? We can get our smoking cutie marks!”

Twilight: Who has a cutie mark in smoking?

Carts: Um... FDR? The Marlboro Man? That one self-insert from Through The Eyes of Another Pony? Also, there’s cigarettes in Equestria?

Twilight: Yeah. You didn’t know that?

Carts: No! I sure could’ve used them during all of these riffs.

“Applejack doesn’t seem to be the kind to smoke cigarettes, though.

Carts: She seems like more of the crystal meth type, to me.

Are you sure you didn’t get them from Big Mac?” Sweetie asked, slightly confused.

“Of course Ah got them from Applejack! Big Mac’s a sophisticated stallion, he smokes from his pipe.”

Carts: He wears a top hat and monocle and everything!

Of course, Apple Bloom is a wretched earth pony, so the other two couldn’t trust a word she said. Also, she was related to Applejack, the most notorious liar around.

Twilight: She’s the Bernie Madoff of Equestria.

You know how those honest types are.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Scootaloo said with an eager grin. “Let’s light these faggots up!”

Carts: Ah, another British author. Or just an American who’s trying to flame his audience. No pun intended.

Twilight: British or troll. I don’t know what’s worse.

“Wait, Rarity always told me smoking was bad for you,” Sweetie Belle pointed out.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s bad for us,” Scootaloo said with a roll of her eyes. “It makes you look cool!” Even though she was a meat-headed pegasus, Scootaloo occasionally had flashes of brilliance.

Carts: Emphasis on occasionally.

“Well...” Sweetie Belle said, still rather unsure. “If it’ll make us cool...”

“Once we’re cool, we don’t have to worry about those dumb cunts Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!” Scootaloo licked her lips. “Hell, we could even make them our rape slaves!”

Just kidding. Rape isn’t funny.

Carts: Unless you’re Daniel Tosh, in which case it’s okay.

Apple Bloom struggled with the package for a few moments, which had a picture of a cool looking camel in shades saying the words “Smoking is the shit!” on the front,

Carts: See, this is why we need plain packaging. If there weren’t a picture of a camel, and instead a picture of diseased lungs, nopony would EVER smoke!

Twilight: I sense your sarcasm.

before finally ripping it open with her teeth, causing cigarettes to fly everywhere. If only she had let her superior friend Sweetie Belle use her magic to open the box, then this disaster could have been avoided.

Twilight: Yeah, being a non-unicorn must suck.

Carts: Sweetie Belle learned to use magic? When did that happen?

Each of the three foals scurried around, sniffing each cigarette individually. It’s how you tell if they’re ripe or not.

Carts: Really? I thought you just look at the cigarette, and if it’s turned from green to yellow then you’re good.

“Dammit, Apple Bitch, I think you got us a bum pack!” Scootaloo grunted, sniffing yet another unripe cigarette.

“Wait, no! I’ve found one!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically, scoring yet another point for the unicorn master race.

Twilight: Ten points for Griffindor!

“Ah’ve got one too,” Apple Bloom said, picking one up out of the dirt. Her lips touched the grimy ground, and she felt a bit of excitement. Dirty earth ponies often fornicate with the ground, as is the dirty earth pony way.

Carts: Wow, this story is making ME uncomfortable, and I’m writing a fanfiction about the unicorns breaking away and forming their own kingdom, which is based on Nazi Germany.

Twilight: You know you’ve messed up when Carts is offended. Wait... are you really offended or just using this as a chance to plug The Trouble With Unicorns?

Carts: What? Never! http://www.fimfiction.net/story/89803/the-trouble-with-unicorns

“Shit niggas, when are you gonna get me a fag to light up?” Scootaloo said with contemptuous intent.

Carts: It better be a menthol, since I’m black!

After a few more moments of sniffing, and Sweetie Belle was so kind as to find another ripe cigarette for Scootaloo. Good girl, Sweetie!

Twilight: Regidar then threw Sweetie Belle a Sweetie Snack.

“Alright, let’s become cool!”

Sweetie Belle used a spark from her horn to magically ignite the cigarettes, and everypony inhaled deeply. Soon, they were all laying on the ground, coughing and sputtering.

Carts: Look, that’s not how you do it. You have to draw the smoke into your mouth, then mix it with air, THEN inhale it.

“Oh god, this was a horrible idea!” Sweetie screeched.

“Why did Ah ever think this would be a good idea?” Apple Bloom spluttered as her inferior earth pony lungs began to fail her.

Twilight: I thought that earth ponies actually had decent stamina. Isn’t that, like, the one thing that they’re good at besides farming?

Carts: Yeah, Regidar, you gotta give credit where credit is due.

“Fuck you, Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo said with a hack and a wheeze.

But, as the three foals lay there asphyxiating, they suddenly began to feel a tingle deep inside of them. In a flash of golden light, they were overcome with the essence of pure cool, as one does when one smokes cigarettes. If you don’t believe me, try it out for yourself.

Twilight: Carts, you smoke, right? Is it true what Regidar says?

Carts: Absolutely.

*Sunglasses fall down from heaven and land themselves in front of Carts’ eyes.*

Carts: YEAAAAAAAAH!

Once the golden light had passed, Scootaloo looked down at herself. She was now in possession of a green hoodie, and looked fucking awesome. “Hell yeah, bitch!”

Twilight: A green hoodie? What, is she Link?

Sweetie Belle looked down at herself too. She was wearing a leather jacket, posses a pair of aviator sunglasses, and was not only adorable but now hardened to the core. “This is so cool!”

It was Apple Bloom’s turn to look down at herself. She was wearing a plaid shirt that were tucked into her shorts,

Twilight: A plaid shirt that were? And this story was doing so well grammatically!

the shorts were way too high, and suspenders that held her pants in place. She wore thick rimmed glasses, and had braces over much larger-than-they-were-before teeth. She also had a fedora placed upon her head. “Swagtastic!”

Carts: Oh, look, she’s a Redditor.

The three friends hoof-fived.

Twilight: Um, wouldn’t it be hoof-oned?

“Now let’s go fuck those bitches up,” Scootaloo said with an evil grin.

“A-and then...” Diamond Tiara said with a sniffle to Silver Spoon “M-my dad picked up the lamp and yelled ‘THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!’ and beat me in the head with it until I p-passed out...”

Carts: So, rape isn’t funny, but domestic violence against a filly is?

Twilight: Guess so.

“Hey, fucknuggets!” yelled Scootaloo as she descended upon the duo. “Your time of fucking with us is over!”

Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara exchanged looks. “Um, actually, we haven’t even talked to you guys since Oktoberfest, so—”

Twilight: I’m sure that would be meaningful if we knew when this story took place in relation to October.

Carts: There’s Oktoberfest in Equestria, too?

Twilight: Yeah, you didn’t know?

Carts: Wow, maybe this place is cooler than I thought.

She was cut off my Scootaloo’s right hook that caught the insidious foal right in the stomach. The silver mare coughed up a bit of blood, then fell to her side.

Sweetie Belle slid over to Diamond Tiara. “No! Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t—” The filthy earth pony’s already bloody face was beat even bloodier by Sweetie’s glorious swift unicorn punches.

Carts: Um, Twilight? I’m new to this whole being a unicorn thing, so what’s a unicorn punch and how is it different from a regular punch?

Twilight: Magic!

Apple Bloom did her best to contribute, but as a disgusting earth pony her best was not good enough. In an attempt to do a basic buck, she tripped over the fallen Silver Spoon and landed directly on her ugly yellow snout, where her frail and inferior earth pony neck snapped.

Twilight: So the sister of Applejack and Big Macintosh, two of the most physically-fit ponies in Ponyville, snapped her neck just by tripping?

Carts: Um... I guess so.

Scootaloo, ignoring her fallen comrade, continued to kick Silver Spoon in the stomach, sautéing her internal organs.

Carts (in Gordon Ramsay British voice): What? I can’t believe it! That flavor does not work a’toll! Who sautees internal organs anyway? You’re blowing smoke up my arse!

The evil filly cried for Scoots to stop, but there were no breaks on the Scoot Train.

Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, was punching Diamond Tiara all about the head, neck, and chest. In one final last glorious unicorn finishing move, she lifted the dirty earth pony up with her superior unicorn magic, and bucked her right in the ovaries.

Twilight: Yeah, they really need to rebalance the characters in Fighting is Magic. The unicorns are way OP.

Carts: But they did rebalance them, by cancelling the game entirely. Fuck you and your copyright claim, Hasbro!

Diamond Tiara flew high up into the sky,

Carts: Team Rocket’s blasting off agaiiiiiinnnn!

leaving the atmosphere and sailing through time and space all the way to Earth, where she landed in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Carts: Oh, hey, well she’ll fit right in with all those snobs on Cake Boss.

However, her travels through time and space did not leave her unchanged. As she had traveled across the cosmos, she had aged backwards, down to the age of a little filly. Her mane, which exposed to cosmic radiation, gained

Carts: Superpowers.

all the colors of the rainbow, and was blasted into a different style. Due to how fucking cold it is in space, her coat turned a light shade of blue. When Diamond Tiara fell into Hoboken, she landed right in a cardboard box, where a small kitten was currently sleeping. The tiny animal died upon impact,

Twilight: Not Oliver! NOOOOO!

but it cushioned Diamond Tiara’s fall.

Twilight: It’s not the fall that kills you.

“Hi there,” came a voice. Diamond Tiara looked up to see some fat guy covered in cheeto dust.

Carts: Oh, look, another Redditor.

“Uh, what are you doing here?”

Diamond Tiara tried to talk, but her mind had also aged backwards. She could not remember how to articulate words.

And so, the fat guy took Tiara home, probably to molest her and cover her with cheeto dust.

Twilight: He worked in a Cheeto sawmill, after all.

Also, for some reason he kept calling her “Dashie”.

Both: Oh, shit!

Carts: This is, like, the second fic in a row that’s ripped off My Little Dashie! Why can’t people be more ORIGINAL!!!

Twilight: Well, it is pretty popular. Guy gets a pet pony, befriends it, she improves his life. It’s an archetypal story people can relate to. It’s the E.T., The Extraterrestrial of MLP fanfic.

Carts: Oh, is it? What movie is Cupcakes, then?

Twilight: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Back in Equestria, the remaining Cutie Mark Crusaders high-hooved each other.

Carts: Spiderses?

Twilight: Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.

Carts: Okay, how about It’s A Dangerous Business?

Twilight: Lord of the Rings, obviously.

Carts: The Conversion Bureau?

Twilight: The Matrix.

“Alright! We beat the shit outta them!” Scootaloo said with a grin. Neither of them acknowledged the melancholy death of Apple Bloom,

Carts: Neither did me and Twilight. What about Background Pony?

Twilight: It’s A Wonderful Life.

Carts: Fallout Equestria?

Twilight: Um... I would say Fallout but it’s a video game... um... Atlas Shrugged, maybe?

Carts: Hmm. Well, they’re both dystopias, they both have strong female protagonists, they both have a lot of trains, and they’re both incredibly long. Ayn Rand would be proud.

Twilight: You know what else is incredibly long? This joke. No more questions!

instead leaving her body to rot and eventually become dirt, a state of being that suited her dirty earth pony heritage.

Carts: So, what do unicorns turn into when they die?

Twilight: Magic!

Sweetie Belle looked back at her flank and gasped. “Look, we got our cutie marks!”

It was true. The image of a glorious lit cigarette adorned the flank of Sweetie Belle, and the image of what one’s lungs look like after 20 years of smoking adorned Scootaloo’s.

Carts: Oh no, she’s doomed to be a walking Truth PSA for the rest of her life!

“Let’s celebrate this with more smoking!” shouted Scootaloo in ecstasy.

And so, the two skipped off to enjoy more cigarettes,

Carts (singing): We’re off to get cigarettes, the wonderful wonderful smokes.

where they lived out the next three years of their lives being totally fucking awesome before dying of lung cancer.

Carts: Three years of constant smoking is all it takes to kill a pony?

Twilight: Yeah, our lungs aren’t as strong as humans.

They were chain smokers, what did you expect?

Twilight: How’d they buy all those cigarettes? They’re like, eight.

Carts: They probably went to the Safeway gas station. They never check ID’s at that place!

So remember kiddies: You may die in a horrible fashion from smoking, but at least you’ll look cool.

Both: Yay, it’s over!

Carts: Okay, so there’s cigarettes in Equestria? Can I have some?

Twilight: Um, sure, they sell them over at the corner store--

*Carts teleports away with a flash of light*

Twilight: Where’d you go?

*Carts returns with a carton of cigarettes*

Carts: Kick ass!

*Carts uses his horn to light the cigarette and smokes it, taking several puffs*

Carts: Hey Twi, you got an ashtray in here?

Twilight: Um, actually, I’d prefer if you didn’t smoke in--

Pinkie (from TV): So, how did you like it?

Carts: Like it? I LOVED it! I found out that the most that I’m in for is three years of this reading horrible fanfiction crap! All I have to do is just smoke, smoke, smoke!

Pinkie (from TV): And, you used your first fire spell when you lit your ciggy. I have to say, your magic is getting better!

*Pinkie scribbles some notes on a clipboard.*

Carts: Oh, hey, I guess I did. Cool!

Rainbow (from TV): Come on, Carts, that’s the coward’s way out. Why don’t you just kill yourself?

Carts: What? Never! I’d never give you the pleasure of making me do that!

Rainbow (from TV): But you’d commit slow-motion suicide?

Carts: Um... well, actually... yes! But not intentionally! I mean, some people smoke for years before they die!

Rainbow (from TV): Uh huh. Just keep telling yourself that.

*Carts blows smoke at the TV screen in defiance of Rainbow Dash*

Twilight: Great. Now whenever we do these things, my library will smell like an ashtray.

*TV turns off with a blip*