Another World
Chapter 1: Intro
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My first story. Constructive comments on how I can improve my writing
*Beep beep beep*
I woke up to the alarm on my phone that I had charging on the desk next to my bed. I turned around to turn off the alarm and started to get ready for school. “Thank god its Friday” I said to no one in particular. After getting dressed and having my breakfast I waited for the bus to come up the road.
During the day I was thinking about the next episode of MLP. I was a brony but I hadn’t told anyone else about it but I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret forever. But id deal with that when it came to it.
After school I went up to the shop near my school where I stayed with my friends until our bus was going. The ride home was uneventful as I just sat by myself listening to music. I wasn’t the most outgoing person so I found it a little hard to make friends but I had some nonetheless.
After arriving at home I went to my room and got changed out of my uniform and got something to eat. I went back into my room and booted up my laptop and browsed the internet and played games until about 12 (yes I know that’s a lot but I do it anyway). I fell asleep in no time as I was fairly tired. I had a really strange a dream that night and it felt extremely real. I couldn’t see anything but blackness all around me but there was a small ball of light about 5 feet in front of me. I had no control of my body as it moved forward towards the ball. Once I was right in front of it my arm reached out and touched the ball. I could feel what was like electricity surge through my body and I collapsed.
I woke up puffing and in a sweat. All I saw infront of me were clouds and tree tops. ‘I went to sleep in my bed right’ I thought to myself. I tried to get up but couldn’t for some reason. I turned my body around so I was lying on my stomach and pushed myself up. I tried righting myself but I fell on my face. ‘Ouch’, I tried getting up but as soon as I put my arm agents the ground I almost screamed. It was a hoof. “WHAT THE FUCK” I yelled. Ok I did scream. I looked at the rest of my body. I was a Pegasus pony with a black coat and a black tail with red going down the middle of my tail. My hooves also had red at the top. ‘Ok , I’m a pony. Guess I use all 4 legs so’. I stood up slowly using all 4 of my legs for support. I had a hard time finding my balance. ‘Next challenge, walking.’ I slowly moved one hoof forward while trying to keep my balance at the same time, it was harder than I thought. After a while I could walk fine if a little wobbly.
After managing to accomplish that I looked around for the first time. I was in the middle of a forest and looking up I saw the sun was in the middle of the sky. I started walking forward hoping Id find someone or a town. After walking for about half an hour I saw a clearing ahead. I ran as fast as I could towards it and when I got out I saw a cottage with bird houses and a pen with chickens inside. I stood there for about a minute when the door of the cottage opened. If finding out im a pony didn’t freak me out enough then this sure did.
“Oh..am…h-hello” said what looked like fluttershy.
I just stood there with my mouth open not believing my eyes. “Am…are you ok?” she said. I feinted, but before I lost conciseness I felt the back of my head hit a tree, hard.
When I started coming too I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I opened my eyes but the light was blinding. I shut them again and started opening them slowly so they could adjust to the light. Once they were fully open I looked around. It was a small house. There was a lamp next to the couch I was on and a table with a picture of a white rabbit. There were also stairs and in the middle of the room a rug with a flower design on it. Just then I heard voices approaching the door. I quickly closed my eyes and acted like I was still asleep.
“…and then he just fell and hit his head on a tree, there was a small bit of bleeding but I tended to it.”
“I hope he’s ok so I can throw him a big party.” These voices sounded familiar but I couldn’t tell where iv heard them before.
“Well we still need to find out who he is and where he came from.”The door opened and I heard three sets of hooves walk in.
“Well he doesn’t look dangerous, but why doesn’t he have a cutie mark.”
Well better ‘wake’ up now. I groaned a little while opening my eyes to make it seem like I only woke up just there. Standing before me I saw a purple unicorn with a purple mane and a purple strip running down it. The second one was pink everywhere with what looked like cotton candy mane. The third was yellow and had a pink mane that almost reached the ground. “Where am I” I said in general.
“Your in fluttershys house near ponyville,” ‘ponyville’ that name seemed really familiar, where did I hear it before.
The purple one started speaking, “Im Twilight Sparkle,” she then motioned towards the pink one who seemed to be hopping in place “this is Pinkie Pie” then she motioned to the yellow one who was hiding behind her hair “and she’s Fluttershy, whats your name”
I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again, ‘what is my name’ “Amm, I.. cant remember”
“Oh, you must have gotten amnesia when you hit your head agents that tree earlier, I’m sure you’ll remember soon, but what should we call you.”
I couldn’t think of a name but just then it started raining, accompanied by a strike of lightening “How’s Lightening Strike”
Ok so that’s the first chapter, I’ll continue if people like it or I’ll stop if they don’t. Any positive comments on how I can improve it appreciated.