Another World
My first story. Constructive comments on how I can improve my writing

*Beep beep beep*
I woke up to the alarm on my phone that I had charging on the desk next to my bed. I turned around to turn off the alarm and started to get ready for school. “Thank god its Friday” I said to no one in particular. After getting dressed and having my breakfast I waited for the bus to come up the road.

During the day I was thinking about the next episode of MLP. I was a brony but I hadn’t told anyone else about it but I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret forever. But id deal with that when it came to it.
After school I went up to the shop near my school where I stayed with my friends until our bus was going. The ride home was uneventful as I just sat by myself listening to music. I wasn’t the most outgoing person so I found it a little hard to make friends but I had some nonetheless.

After arriving at home I went to my room and got changed out of my uniform and got something to eat. I went back into my room and booted up my laptop and browsed the internet and played games until about 12 (yes I know that’s a lot but I do it anyway). I fell asleep in no time as I was fairly tired. I had a really strange a dream that night and it felt extremely real. I couldn’t see anything but blackness all around me but there was a small ball of light about 5 feet in front of me. I had no control of my body as it moved forward towards the ball. Once I was right in front of it my arm reached out and touched the ball. I could feel what was like electricity surge through my body and I collapsed.

I woke up puffing and in a sweat. All I saw infront of me were clouds and tree tops. ‘I went to sleep in my bed right’ I thought to myself. I tried to get up but couldn’t for some reason. I turned my body around so I was lying on my stomach and pushed myself up. I tried righting myself but I fell on my face. ‘Ouch’, I tried getting up but as soon as I put my arm agents the ground I almost screamed. It was a hoof. “WHAT THE FUCK” I yelled. Ok I did scream. I looked at the rest of my body. I was a Pegasus pony with a black coat and a black tail with red going down the middle of my tail. My hooves also had red at the top. ‘Ok , I’m a pony. Guess I use all 4 legs so’. I stood up slowly using all 4 of my legs for support. I had a hard time finding my balance. ‘Next challenge, walking.’ I slowly moved one hoof forward while trying to keep my balance at the same time, it was harder than I thought. After a while I could walk fine if a little wobbly.

After managing to accomplish that I looked around for the first time. I was in the middle of a forest and looking up I saw the sun was in the middle of the sky. I started walking forward hoping Id find someone or a town. After walking for about half an hour I saw a clearing ahead. I ran as fast as I could towards it and when I got out I saw a cottage with bird houses and a pen with chickens inside. I stood there for about a minute when the door of the cottage opened. If finding out im a pony didn’t freak me out enough then this sure did.
“Oh..am…h-hello” said what looked like fluttershy.
I just stood there with my mouth open not believing my eyes. “Am…are you ok?” she said. I feinted, but before I lost conciseness I felt the back of my head hit a tree, hard.

When I started coming too I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I opened my eyes but the light was blinding. I shut them again and started opening them slowly so they could adjust to the light. Once they were fully open I looked around. It was a small house. There was a lamp next to the couch I was on and a table with a picture of a white rabbit. There were also stairs and in the middle of the room a rug with a flower design on it. Just then I heard voices approaching the door. I quickly closed my eyes and acted like I was still asleep.
“…and then he just fell and hit his head on a tree, there was a small bit of bleeding but I tended to it.”

“I hope he’s ok so I can throw him a big party.” These voices sounded familiar but I couldn’t tell where iv heard them before.

“Well we still need to find out who he is and where he came from.”The door opened and I heard three sets of hooves walk in.

“Well he doesn’t look dangerous, but why doesn’t he have a cutie mark.”
Well better ‘wake’ up now. I groaned a little while opening my eyes to make it seem like I only woke up just there. Standing before me I saw a purple unicorn with a purple mane and a purple strip running down it. The second one was pink everywhere with what looked like cotton candy mane. The third was yellow and had a pink mane that almost reached the ground. “Where am I” I said in general.

“Your in fluttershys house near ponyville,” ‘ponyville’ that name seemed really familiar, where did I hear it before.
The purple one started speaking, “Im Twilight Sparkle,” she then motioned towards the pink one who seemed to be hopping in place “this is Pinkie Pie” then she motioned to the yellow one who was hiding behind her hair “and she’s Fluttershy, whats your name”

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again, ‘what is my name’ “Amm, I.. cant remember”
“Oh, you must have gotten amnesia when you hit your head agents that tree earlier, I’m sure you’ll remember soon, but what should we call you.”

I couldn’t think of a name but just then it started raining, accompanied by a strike of lightening “How’s Lightening Strike”

Ok so that’s the first chapter, I’ll continue if people like it or I’ll stop if they don’t. Any positive comments on how I can improve it appreciated.

Ok so I decided to continue the story. Hopefully there aren’t as many mistakes here as in chapter one. Now, the story.

Pinkie couldn’t stay quiet any longer. “Wow, I love that name. I wish I could name myself. If I could I’d take the name Cotton Candy, because it’s so tasty or maybe Gumdrop, because it’s candy and I love candy but I like Pinkie Pie as well.” She then jumped up in the air and gasped while hovering in the air.

‘How does she do that’ “I need to get your welcome party ready” and with that she sped out the door into the rain.

“Ok, I give up, what was that about” I said starting to get off the couch.

“Oh just Pinkie being Pinkie”

“Oh, are you sure you’re ok to stand up.. I mean you did hit your head kind of hard when you fell” Fluttershy asked me with a concerned look on her face.

“Yea I’m fine, my memory will come back eventually, I hope, but until then I guess I should find a place to live.” I said back to her after finding my balance again.

“Well I guess you could stay at the library where I live. There’s an extra room that no one ever uses.” Twilight suggested.

“Well I guess I could, but I should look for a home for myself”

“Then it’s settled. You’ll stay with me until you can get your own house.”

“Thanks Twilight, but we can’t really go right now,” I said while looking out the window at the rain. It wasn’t that heavy but we’d still get pretty wet in it.

“I could teleport us there, if you want.”

“Well, have you ever teleported two ponies at once” I asked her feeling a little doubtful.

“Well yes, once with my assistant Spike, but he got a little burned.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll run there. Safer you know” I said with a smile, hoping she wouldn’t take it as an insult.

“Fine I guess. Just follow me and try to keep up.”

“Ok let’s go. Thanks Fluttershy for helping me. See you again soon” I said turning around to her.

“Oh... Am… Your welcome and stay safe.” She said back to me still hiding behind her mane.

Twilight opened the door and got ready to run, while I got behind her and got ready as well. “Ok on the count of three. One… two… THREE.”

And with that we both ran as fast as we could out the door and towards the nearby town which I learned was named Ponyville. I sped up next to Twilight. “Is the big tree in the middle the library” I asked her.

“Yes, that’s it, why.” She replied with a small puff.

“Race ya.” And with that I shot ahead of her towards the bridge leading into town.

I don’t know why but it felt strange to me running this fast on four hooves. But I loved it. The wind going against you, the rain against your face, the thrill of going faster and faster. I felt my wings open up by themselves and start to flap without me thinking about it. It felt so natural. I felt my hooves leave the ground and I started to gain altitude.

Once I was a few feet up in the air I seemed to level out. I started going faster and faster and I could see the library approaching fast. Too fast. It was then I realised I had no idea how to land and started to panic.
‘Better the ground than the tree I suppose’ I thought to myself.

I tilted my body downwards slightly. When I was close enough to the ground I stretched my legs out to touch the ground. Bad idea. As soon as my hooves touched the ground I tripped and face planted into the ground. I flipped over onto my back and kept going until I came to a slow halt just at the door to the library. I stayed like then until twilight came running up behind me laughing.

“That was… that was so funny.” She said while looking down at me and laughing. I just sat there with an unimpressed look on my face. I picked myself up off the ground and opened the door to the library.

“Yeah, laugh it up but I’ll make up for it someday.” I said back to her while walking in the door into the main part if the library. I’ll put it simply; there were books, and lots of them. But it’s a library so what do you expect.

“Yeah sure, but you are alright aren’t you. You did land pretty hard.” She said back to me while walking in behind me.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I did pretty well considering it was my first time flying.” I said while looking around the room.

“Well I suppose you did do well for your first time. I’ll show you to your room now.”

“Lead the way.” I said back to her while gesturing to the stairs with my hoof. And with that she led me upstairs.

As we passed the first door she said to me. “That’s my room where Spike sleeps. He hasn’t come down yet so he is probably still asleep.” We then walked up to another door. “And this is your room.”

I opened the door and walked into it. The room was a little plain. There was a bed with white sheets and two pillows in the corner and a bedside table next to it and a lamp on it. There was a wardrobe at the other side of the room but I wondered what it was used for seeing as ponies didn’t wear clothes. There was a book shelf across from the bed with a few books on it. Not as much as downstairs but enough to keep me occupied if I got bored.

“Well while you look around I’m going to take a shower or do you want to take one first”

I looked at her and said “You can go first, I’ll wait here.”

“Ok, if you feel hungry the kitchen is downstairs.” And with that she left to take her shower.

I went over to the bookshelf and looked at what books she had. ‘Hmm let’s see, “Guide to magic” nope, I'm not a unicorn, “Friendship and you”…ok… “Slumber 101, All you wanted to know about slumber parties but were afraid to ask” ..a book… on slumber parties.. Right, next book, let’s see “Mare in the moon”, this looks good’ I picked up the book with my mouth and walked over to the bed and started reading it. After a while I feel asleep halfway through the book.

Ok that’s chapter two. Hopefully I fixed some of the errors I made in chapter one. Also I have school starting again so I won’t be able to update as fast. Comment on any fixes I can make.

Ok, short chapter for now. Homework and study keeping me busy but I’ll post a longer chapter during the weekend when I’m free.

I woke up on the ground and it was pitch black. ‘Why’s it so dark, and how long have I been asleep.’ I got up and looked around. I could just make out book shelves and tables, but there were other things I couldn’t make them out in the darkness. I walked to the wall carefully and luckily nothing tripped me on the way. I started moving along the wall until I found the light switch. I flicked it on and the room litgh up.

“SURPRISE”. The room exploded with confetti which seemed to come out of nowhere.

“GAHH.” I screamed and fell to the ground in shock.

Pinkie bounced over and came right up to me. “How do you like your surprise party. It took a while to plan and get it set up and then get everyone here, so I hope you like it,” and then she took a deep breath.

I looked around. There was a banner along the ceiling which said “Welcome to Ponyville Lightening.” There were also bowls of sweets every where and a bowl of punch on one of the tables. All the ponies I’d seen and a lot that I haven’t seen were there also.

I walked towards the punch while greeting ponies at the same time. After getting a cup that was on the table next to it I turned around to see a baby alligator sitting in the bowl. ‘He wasn’t there a second ago. And why is he in the punch bowl.’ On the outside I looked calm but inside I was freaking out.

I walked away from the bowl slowly while keeping an eye on the alligator. Once I was a safe distance I had a look around. After a bit of searching I spotted Twilight with Pinkie and Fluttershy and they were with three other ponies I hadn’t met yet. I walked over to them to introduce myself to the other three.

“Hey Twilight. Who are these three.” I asked motioning to the three I hadn’t met.

“Oh, hi Lightening. These are…” She was interrupted by the rainbow one.

“I’m Rainbow Dash. Fastest flier in all of Equestria. One day I’ll be a member of the Wonder Bolts.” The white pony started talking then.

“I’m Rarity. Owner of Carousel Boutique. Oh, I’ve never designed clothes for a stallion, when ever I ask they just deny, so would you mind modelling for me.” She then gave me puppy dog eyes and stuck out her bottom lip. I tried to ignore it but couldn’t

“Ugh, fine I’ll model for you.” I said, finally being beaten.

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Just be there this weekend as I have a big order to complete right now but I’m free then,” she said overjoyed. At that point the orange on started talking.

“Ahm Applejack. Ah work over in Sweet Apple Acers. We’ve got the best apples anywhere. Ahm sure you’ll just love them.” She said, obviously proud of the work she does.

Rainbow started talking then. “So are you any good at flying. You’re not as good as me but how are you.”

“Well I’ve only flown once that I can remember. But I can’t really do it. I’m still trying to figure out how I did it, and I crashed when I tried to land.” I said slightly embarrassed at the last part.

“Oh. Well I guess I can teach you to fly if you want to. I mean you’ll be learning from the best.” She said with a proud tone in her voice.

“Yeah sure, I’d love that Rainbow. When should we start.”

“Well I have weather duty tomorrow so how about the day after.”

“Sure, no problem.”

Pinkie then started talking. “Come on guys we’re missing the party.”

“Yeah come everyone, let’s party.” I said and started partying with them.