In the absence of a clearly defined agenda, keeping a conversation with eight participants on track is practically impossible. Sure, introductions are pretty simple to pull off regardless, but anything beyond that is basically a crapshoot. One person thinks they're asking a simple question, but all they receive is an ambiguous answer that only raises more questions. Those questions are met only with looks of incomprehension. Lines of discussion go off on tangents with no hope of recovery. And before anyone can stop it, a bunch of naked aliens (who, despite some oddities in their appearance, are very easy on the eyes) get into a heated argument about whether they should be walking like ponies or like minotaurs in their transformed state.

"Are they gone yet?" I asked from behind my blanket blindfold. Yeah, the view would have been lovely, but I wasn't about to spoil the dignity of alien ladies who, as far as I could tell, had no idea why their nudity was causing such problems. I do at least attempt to behave like a gentleman most of the time.

"They're gone," Twilight replied, "You can uncover your eyes now."

"Thank you, now we won't have so many distractions bouncing all over the place." The only ones left in the room were me and the two Princesses, Celestia and Twilight Sparkle. The sheets and blankets that had been discarded during the arguments were now folded and stacked neatly on one of the empty chairs. I reached over to the main table and picked up my breakfast plate before turning back to Twilight. I wasn't about to let a decent cinnamon roll go to waste. "Now, where were we?"

"You were about to explain why we should call you 'Bill' instead of 'Richard', 'William', or 'Mr. Johnson'."

"Because it's shorter? I really don't see why that's such a big deal." I couldn't figure out why these 'ponies', as they called themselves, would make such a big deal out of something so trivial.

"Because we just met!" She responded emphatically before continuing, "I know I have a long name too, and that's why I'm OK with everyone calling me 'Twilight', but only my family and closest friends are allowed to shorten it beyond that. By insisting that I call you 'Bill', you're asking me to act like we're already best friends."

I guess nicknames are serious business around here, but I had my own objections to express. I still owed them an explanation of why their nudity was so bothersome. "While we're on the subject of cultural differences, how about I enlighten you about my problem with you being naked?"

"Yes! Please do!" She shouted back, clearly angry about something. "And then, you can explain it to my friends while you're apologizing for kicking them out! Honestly, you shouldn't make such a big deal out of something so trivial."

Celestia interjected before I could make my retort, "Twilight, there's no need to shout. Let him speak his piece. Losing our tempers won't help us resolve the matter at hoof here."

I was surprised at the purple one's reaction to the gentle rebuke. Her ears folded back as her expression immediately went from anger to contrition. "Sorry," she apologized before turning back to me.

I didn't wait for a prompt to start talking, "OK, I want to clarify something first. Even given the size of this room and all the extra furnishings, it is, for all intents and purposes, a bedroom. Is it not?"

Twilight nodded in the affirmative, but raised an eyebrow at the same time. "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Context," I replied simply. "If this were a locker room or communal bath, I might be able to write it off as just an oddity or a fluke. Where I'm from, men and women generally bathe separately, but that's beside the point. It could also be a doctor's office, but that wouldn't explain why you're all naked too. This isn't either of those. It's a bedroom, and there's really only one thing that happens when everybody in the room is a naked adult. You are all adults, right?"

"We are, but I don't see what that has to do with...," she trailed off. I guess that she finally realized what I'd been trying to say. "You mean, you thought we wanted to...," once again, she stopped mid-sentence. Finally, she kept it together long enough to complete the thought, "You thought we wanted to mate with you?"

The look on Twilight's face could best be described as somewhere between shock and horror. Her mouth simply hung open after she had finished speaking, and it didn't look like her eyes could open any wider.

Celestia, meanwhile, had a more thoughtful expression that shifted to a slight smirk when she glanced over at her counterpart.

I decided to rub it in a little more, just to get the point across. "Actually, it was a bit more than just showing interest. By the time two people are naked together, it generally means they're done with all those silly games where they each try to figure out if the other is interested. They're finished with all the foreplay, and it's time to get down for the main event, so to speak. Part of me was just waiting for one of you to pounce and start having your way with me."

I didn't think it was possible for someone to blush like that with a face covered in fur, but Twilight demonstrated otherwise as she sputtered out her rebuttal. "Y-you didn't think we would really do that, did you?"

I leveled a glare at her, "No, I didn't think you would, but my thoughts weren't matching up with what I saw. And for the record, I didn't ask for all of your friends to leave, just the ones who were being loud and obnoxious with their arguing. I couldn't even get a word in edgewise to ask the one thing I've been wanting to ask this whole time."

"Wait," Twilight interrupted, "If your question was so important, why didn't you ask that one first?"

I continued glaring at her while gesturing towards the door, "Like I said, distractions."

"Well, let's hear it, but I think I can guess what you're going to ask."

"Why am I here and not in my own home? How did I get here, and what does any of this have to do with your supposed transformation? You call yourselves ponies, but you don't look like ponies. To me, you look like humanoid aliens with a few pony-like features, and the only evidence saying otherwise is your word for it."

The two Princesses shared a Look. It wasn't some ordinary look that could mean anything. This was a Look with a capital 'L'. That kind of Look only means one thing. I was in for some seriously bad news. Mentally, I braced myself for the worst.

"Umm, I hate to interrupt, but it's time for the patient's checkup now that he's awake." I couldn't figure out if an interruption was better or worse than bad news.

I looked over to the door to identify the newest obstacle in my quest to find out what the hell was going on. What I saw was another pony-person whose body was a very light pink that could almost pass for white. Her hair was a more vibrant shade of pink but still on the light side. On top of her head, I could see a horn, which meant she was one of the unicorn types I was told about before the earlier conversation descended into chaos. She was leaning on a small cart with a few things that I couldn't tell the purpose of from a distance, but it appeared she was also using it to support her balance just as much as to carry her supplies. I also noticed that she was wearing a small nurse's hat marked with the all-too-familiar red cross. Conspicuously absent was any other form of clothing.

I buried my face in the palm of my hand before looking sideways at Twilight and Celestia, "You can't be serious."

Celestia stood up and gestured for Twilight to follow her, "I apologize for this, but we must excuse ourselves during your medical checkup."

"Oh, no you don't," I shot back. "You're not going anywhere until I get my answers."

"We don't plan on going anywhere. We will be waiting on the balcony." I opened my mouth to tell her where to stick her empty promises, but she cut me off. "I understand your frustration, but while you are here, we are responsible for your health and safety. We will answer all of your questions as soon as Nurse Joy is finished."

I just scowled at the two so-called Princesses as they walked around the end of the bed toward the balcony curtain. Twilight struggled to balance herself on two legs, while Celestia appeared to have no problems at all despite any claims of being a quadraped turned into a biped well over 7 feet tall and still wrapped in a bedsheet. I watched the two of them until they stepped through the curtain separating the balcony from the rest of the room before turning around to face the new arrival.

I regarded the nurse silently as she made her way to a chair across from mine. The marking on her hip was a red cross with a white heart in the middle which, upon closer inspection, matched the emblem on her hat. She carefully shifted her weight from the cart to the chair before twisting around to take her seat, giving me a splendid view in the process. I tried not to stare, but her mid-sized mammary mounds, though they were smaller than most of the ones I'd seen since waking up, squished together perfectly between her arms as she leaned on them for support. Her tail kept most of the goods downstairs hidden, but that still didn't leave much to the imagination, especially once she was turned back around and trying to get comfortable in the chair. In the process, I got a good view between her legs. For a second, I thought I saw her lady bits tighten, almost like it was winking at me.

'If I didn't know better, I'd say they were doing this on purpose.'

Upon completion of the impromptu peep show, her horn started glowing a light pink color, and a clipboard and pencil surrounded by the same glow floated off the cart towards her.

'I'm just gonna take a wild guess that glowing horns and glowing objects are connected somehow. Maybe it's related to this so-called magic they keep talking about.'

I cleared my throat to get her attention. My patience had been exhausted a long time ago, and I just wanted to get this over with and get my damn answers.

"Oh," she started, finally realizing I was waiting on her, "Where are my manners? My name is Pink Joy, but everypony just calls me 'Nurse Joy'. I've been in charge of your medical care since you were first brought here."

I could at least handle an introduction. Since paperwork was involved I decided to give my full name, "The name's Richard William Johnson, but I go by 'Bill'. How long is this going to take? I kinda have other things on my mind right now."

"Oh, it's nice to finally meet you, um... Bill." I guess Twilight was telling the truth about having someone call me by a shortened version of one of my names. The nurse was definitely blushing when she paused to address me. Thankfully, she recovered after a quick shake of her head, as if clearing away distracting thoughts, "I just need you to answer a few questions, and then I need to take a few tissue and fluid samples. It shouldn't take long at all."

"Couldn't you have taken the samples while I was unconscious?" In the back of my mind, I knew asking questions would delay things, but my curiosity would not be denied.

"I did," she stated, "but I don't know if you being awake now will affect my analysis, and there are some samples that I can't get unless you are awake."

"Alright," I relented because I was done stalling. "Let's just get this over with."

"Okay then," she smiled as the glowing clipboard rose from the armrest and moved in front of her. "Now, some of these questions might sound silly, but I've never treated anything like you before, so I had to make assumptions."

"Fair enough," I conceded. "Ask away."

"What is your species called?"

"Human."

"Is it normal for you to only have hair in certain parts of your body?"

"Yes."

The first several questions were mostly innocuous, and I answered them mechanically. Yes, I consider myself in good health. No, I haven't been forcibly shapeshifted recently. No, nothing physically hurts right now. Soon, though, she got to questions with a little more substance.

"I had a look at your teeth and scanned the contents of your stomach before you woke up..." she trailed off, looking hesitant to ask her question. "Do you need meat as a part of your diet?"

"Yes, I do. Is there a problem?" I inquired, "And how exactly did you see what was in my stomach?" I'd pretty much resigned myself to the idea that the alien doctors would be poking and prodding while I was asleep, but pumping my stomach seemed a bit too far.

"Just a little magic spell," she said in a cheerful tone, as if she expected me to just accept it at that, but before I could follow up, she answered my other question, "and no, it's not a problem. The palace often entertains dignitaries of other races that eat meat. But the kitchen doesn't stock any unless they're expecting such guests, so they'll have to order some from their suppliers, and you may have to wait a couple days."

"I can live with that," I sighed, "but what was that about magic spells and other races?"

"And I thought you just wanted to get this over with," the nurse shot back with a hint of smugness.

I quickly shook my head to clear out distracting thoughts. For some reason, I kept falling into the trap of idle chatting. I chalked it up to the alien nurse's nudity. Boobs have a way of clouding one's thoughts, sending parts of the mind off on tangents before the rest of it can reel them back in. I let my frustration show when I responded, "I do want to get this over with, dammit." For my own benefit, I added at the end, "We can satisfy our curiosity later. Let's just deal with the critical stuff right now."

"Oh," she perked up, "Then we're done with the questionnaire and ready for the samples."

"Hold on," I interrupted. "Before I let you start poking and prodding whatever you want, just what do you want all these samples for?"

In response, I just got a deadpan stare which I returned. It helped that the clipboard was positioned in a way that blocked my view of her chest. If it weren't, the effect would have been ruined.

"I'm guessing you haven't been told you're under quarantine?"

"Well, it wasn't exactly obvious given the number of visitors I've had."

"Well, you are under quarantine," she emphasized. "Only the medical staff, the Princesses, and those with permission from the Princesses may enter or leave this room. Once we're sure there's no danger to you or the public, the quarantine will be lifted."

"OK," I conceded. As much as I hated the situation, I had to admit it made sense. "What's first?"

"Actually, could you move over here?" she gestured at the couch next to her chair. "It'll be easier if we're closer together."

It was the request I'd been dreading all along, but once again, cold logic prevailed over ingrained cultural instinct. If needles were going to be involved, I would certainly want the nurse wielding them to be able to see what she was doing. Reluctantly, I got up and walked around to the couch the nurse had indicated and seated myself.

As I sat down and adjusted my blanket to keep it from hanging on the floor, I hadn't noticed that Nurse Joy was also relocating to the couch. The exact second I looked up, I was greeted by a pinkish-white butt emblazoned with a red cross that had a white heart in the middle moving directly toward the spot currently occupied by me. I corrected this by scrambling as fast as I could to the opposite end of the couch.

The sound of my movement got the nurse's attention and drew a small snicker. "Oh, there's no need to be shy," she teased.

"You were about to sit on me." The thought wasn't an unpleasant one, but that part of my head was too busy confusing contexts for me to trust its judgment. Still, I could feel the heat rising in my face.

"Oh, I'm sorry then. I guess I wasn't paying attention," she said, turning to face me. "I just... Is something wrong? Your face is all red. Are you getting a fever?" Her tone shifted to concern as she spoke.

"NO! No. Everything's fine, really. Everything's perfectly fine," I answered frantically.

Apparently, I wasn't as convincing as I had hoped. Now, the nurse was making her way toward my end of the couch, on her hands and knees with her breasts hanging down, tantalizingly obscured by her upper arms. They swayed in time with her crawling as she approached.

"Are you sure?" She closed in and pressed herself against my blanket defenses while reaching up to my forehead. I had nowhere to retreat from the advance. She was close enough that I could feel her breath on my cheek, and if it weren't for the blanket, she would have seen exactly how 'perfectly fine' everything was. "If you're getting a fever, we need to get you out of that blanket to cool you off."

'Dammit'

"You're burning up!" she exclaimed almost as soon as she touched my forehead.

I didn't even have time to react as the same glow that had supported her clipboard before completely enveloped my only covering and pulled it open, exposing what I'd been trying to hide. My boxers now resembled a tent, much to my embarrassment.

Nurse Joy also noticed my situation, but instead of showing disgust, righteous indignation, or even professional indifference like a sane individual might, she started giggling. She did at least try to hold it in at first, but soon enough, the giggles became full-blown laughter. I couldn't really call it a belly laugh, because she didn't have much of a belly to speak of. Still, her jugs, jiggling gently with jocularity, ensured that my traitorous member remained standing at full attention.

Thankfully, the nurse pulled away and shifted herself to lean against the back of the sofa while she continued her assault on my pride. Meanwhile, I slowly pulled the blanket back over myself, curled up, and prayed for death. I'm not exactly hung like Seabiscuit, but that's no reason to make fun of a guy.

"Oh, it's not that bad," she tried reassuring me, after catching herself. Now she was back to intermittent giggling. "I just think it's funny that you think it's such a big deal."

'Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Let it all out. I didn't need my dignity anyway. Wait, what?'

"Really, it's nothing to be so embarrassed about. I'm a medical professional, and this isn't the first time I've treated a stallion. This isn't even the first time I've seen your penis. Who do you think examined and cleaned you while you were still asleep?

'Your bedside manner needs work.'

"Uhh, what?" Once again, I found myself unable to articulate my thoughts.

My inquiry went unnoticed. The nurse continued speaking as she turned to retrieve something from her cart. From my angle, it looked like a small cup with some kind of stretchable collar around the top. "Besides, I need a sperm sample anyway, and with you already erect, I only have to cast one spell instead of two. It's also better to get it before the blood draw anyway."

"Wait, what?" I asked again, louder this time.

What I assumed to be the sample cup floated over to me courtesy of the nurse's horn glow. The collar looked like something to hold it on the end of my dick and keep anything from spilling out. "I'm taking a sperm sample. Just attach the sample cup to the end of your penis, and I'll cast a spell that causes immediate ejaculation."

"You're gonna do what!?" I couldn't believe my ears. I'd been giving this whole magic thing quite a lot of leeway, but I sure as hell didn't trust it being used on the most delicate part of my anatomy.

The nurse finally paused, as if she had just noticed my misgivings, and gave me a level stare, "I'm going to cast a spell on you. Just make sure you get it in the cup and don't spill any."

"Hell no!" I replied emphatically. "I'm not letting you use magic on my junk. I don't trust it or you that much."

"I assure you, it's completely harmless and painless, but if you'd rather do it the hard way, you can take these into the bathroom and provide the sample yourself." As she said this, a pair of what could only be magazines flew out from one of the lower shelves of the cart. I snatched one out of the air to confirm my suspicions.

On the cover was a pair of pony-like creatures striking what I assumed were meant to be provocative poses. While they still weren't quite like ponies from Earth, there was definitely more resemblance than the aliens I'd seen so far. Idly, I flipped through a few pages and saw the sort of things one might have seen on the Discovery Channel way back before it became total crap. Clearly, Playcolt was the type of publication sought by adolescents for the insightful and thought-provoking articles.

I'd seen enough, so I pointed to the proffered pony porn periodicals and proclaimed, "Sorry nurse, this isn't gonna cut it. Any other options?"

"No," she said flatly, "It's either that or the spell. I got to where I am by being a professional, and I don't plan to stop now."

'Says the nurse who just laughed her tits off at my boner.'

"Fine," I sighed, resigning myself to the inevitable. I reluctantly opened my covers and exposed my manhood. The collar on the cup stretched out easily enough, and I let it retract around the shaft of my dick. "Let's just get this over with before I go limp."

I could see the smugness written on her face at that. She just said, "Alright, hold still please," before her horn started glowing.

I just barely noticed the matching glow around my dick when everything erupted into a world of pain. I'm no expert on torture, but on a scale of one to red-hot nails being jammed up my urethra, this was a solid nine. Naturally, I expressed my discomfort.

I don't know how long or how loud I was screaming, but by the time the pain subsided, and I had calmed down, both Princesses were back in the room. The nurse was practically in tears sputtering out apologies to anyone in earshot.

Meanwhile, I became vaguely aware of the now filled sample cup still hanging from the end of my penis. How it had stayed on there was a mystery, but I didn't care. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be any physical damage, and it was a small consolation that I wouldn't have to go through the ordeal again. I detached the container and set it on the table in front of the couch before pulling my covers back around me.

When Nurse Joy noticed me moving around, she was at my side in an instant, wrapping me in a hug while apologizing profusely for the mishap. I barely registered the contact and said nothing in response. Instead of going back out to the balcony, Celestia decided to supervise the remainder of my checkup.

Luckily, the rest of the sample collection went smoothly. Everyone was worried about whether or not the blood draw would elicit the same amount of agony, but there was no problem at all. I figured as long as no one used magic on me directly, I wouldn't have the bad reaction. I said nothing the whole time and just provided whatever they wanted to take: saliva, hair clippings from various spots, even fingernail and toenail filings. The nurse also wanted a urine and stool sample, but since I didn't have to go, she just left a collection kit and instructions before packing up her cart and leaving.

Once again, I was alone with the two alien Princesses, and there were no more pending interruptions to stop me from getting the answers I wanted. I, of course, had already jumped to my own conclusion based on recent events.

'I'm dead, and this is Hell. This is all punishment for some grievous sin I must have committed in life.'

Celestia brought my mind back into the present by interrupting my internal monologue, "I imagine you are tired of waiting on answers to your questions by now."

"That's putting it mildly," I deadpanned, "Let's hear it."

In response, Twilight Sparkle spoke up, "It's my fault. I was experimenting with trans-dimensional magic that would let me observe other worlds. A couple months ago, I found your world. It caught my interest because it defies our conventional theories about what is needed for..."

"You're getting off topic," I cut her off. It might have made for interesting conversation, but I wasn't in the mood to tolerate any more tangents. "What did you do?"

To her credit, the purple Princess recovered quickly, "Like I said, I took an interest in your world, and after observing for a several weeks, I thought it might be safe to attempt a portal. Four days ago, I tried opening one, but something went wrong. The anchor for the portal started absorbing all the magic. I had no choice but to cancel the spell and pull back on the link."

"I can see where this is going," I interrupted again. "I'm going to take a wild guess that I was the 'anchor' you were talking about?"

Her ears folded back as she hung her head in shame. Even her voice lowered, "When it was all over, you were on the ground, unconscious in the spot where our end of the portal would have been. Our transformation was a side effect of the backlash."

At this point Celestia added her commentary. "What she says is true. However, I cannot allow her to accept all responsibility for what happened. My sister and I authorized her attempt to open a doorway between our worlds, and we also lent our power to Twilight and her friends in doing so. We, too, share much of the blame for what happened."

Twilight's eyes went wide as she turned to the other Princess. I could see her mouth starting to form words of protest.

Celestia simply held up a hand, presumably to forestall any arguments. "We can discuss this in private later."

Twilight conceded before turning back to me, "We know what went wrong, so we'll be able to send you back, but we can't until we find a way to release all the magic you absorbed. Is there anything else you want to know?"

"Later," I said. There were plenty of questions I could have asked, but I already had enough to process as things stood. I'd only been up for maybe an hour and a half, and I was already feeling drained. "I just want to be alone right now to think about all this."

"Are you sure?" Twilight asked, standing up and beginning to move in my direction. "If there's anything..."

"Get. Out." I cut her off again, this time with no small amount of anger in my voice.

"Very well. We will speak again later. Come with me, Twilight. Your friends are probably waiting on us." At that, the last of my alien abductors left the room.

Being dead might have been easier to deal with.