"Oh Richaaaarrrd!" Twilight seemed to be in a good mood. Too bad for her, I never picked up her morning person habits.

"Go away, and leave me alone." I was not in a good mood. Other ponies had tried to come get me out of bed earlier, and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and keep sleeping. Luna had done a number on me when I did it with her, but Celestia pointed out that her beloved sister was a thousand years out of practice before demonstrating in exquisite detail exactly what difference that made. Needless to say, I needed time to recuperate.

"It's two in the afternoon," Princess Purple said flatly.

"And I'm still tired." I'd pulled the covers over my head, leaving a gap just big enough for my mouth and nose. Hopefully, Twilight wouldn't be so stupid as to yank them off after I'd chewed out the last pony to try it. It had gotten easier to think of them as ponies once they'd restored themselves to their quadrupedal forms. I was asleep when it happened. The rest of Twilight's friends had arrived at some point and didn't waste any time.

"You've had plenty of time to rest. Celestia said she brought you here at four in the morning."

There was a pause, which I pointedly refused to dignify with a response.

"Yesterday," she finally finished with annoyance.

Again, I said nothing, a little louder than before.

Twilight cracked first. Grunting in frustration, she stormed off mumbling something about wanting to show me something. Whatever it was, it could wait until I felt ready to walk upright again. I went back to sleep.

Eventually, the protests of my empty stomach overrode the fatigue, and I couldn't sleep any longer. I shambled down the hallway in my bathrobe after a having a quick shower to make me feel at least somewhat human again. I followed the smell of food to the dining room, nodding at the guard as I passed. It was kind of strange suddenly having to look down at everyone. As humanoids, they were at least close enough to my height that I wouldn't have to strain my neck to look them in the eye. As ponies, they barely came up to my bellybutton, which made me extra wary of the unicorns. One false move, and I'd be shish kebab.

I'd barely begun browsing the buffet when Twilight barged in, "Oh, good. You're up."

"Were you camped out waiting for me or something?"

"Nope," she chirped, wearing a smug grin. "I had the guards post a watch to come get me when you got out of bed."

I shot her a dirty look, but it wasn't very effective.

"Just come to the observatory in the west tower when you're done. The guard outside will escort you there." Satisfied in having relayed her message, Twilight left me to eat in peace.

A full stomach did wonders for waking me up. I no longer felt like I could keel over and pass out at any moment, and the trip to the observatory was a breeze despite all the stairs. Inside, most of the girls waited. Mentally, I took attendance: Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and absolutely no trace of Pinkie Pie anywhere. There was also a giant hole in the fabric of reality on a pedestal in the middle of the room.

"Where's the pink one?" I felt compelled to ask the obvious question first.

"I sent her on a little errand," came the voice of an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and completely naked woman who hadn't been there three seconds before. She smiled and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"Oh," I finally said after an awkward pause. I genuinely tried not to stare, but my eyes weren't cooperating. "And you are?"

"Just getting into the spirit of things." She beamed as if she had just been given everything she'd ever wanted.

"I meant, 'Who are you?'" I tried to remain polite as I fought to keep up.

"We'll get to that in a minute." She took my arm the same way a girl might on a date, except it wasn't a date, she was naked, and I was confused. "Why don't you come over here and have a seat?"

I let her lead me to a small sofa where she sat down next to me and pulled herself close, leaning into me and generally showing a level of affection that only someone with her looks could get away with on a stranger.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," she began, "and the answer is yes. This portal will take you straight back to Earth."

It was a good thing I was sitting down. If I hadn't been, I might have jumped up, taken a running leap through, and ended up in a less than pleasant homecoming. The girls filled me in about how they'd set up the stargate the previous night after fixing their bodies. The ponies insisted on calling it a portal, but I had my own ideas about what to call the stone ring on its pedestal. If mystery woman had introduced herself as Samantha Carter, that would've sealed it, though I'd feel inclined to question her choice of uniform.

While the Princesses and Twilight's friends recounted events, the mystery woman ran her fingers gently across my back. The relaxing, tickling sensation made it hard to listen, but I managed.

Once the stargate was opened, they had a look around the other side, both to make sure it wasn't underground or at the bottom of a lake or anything like that and to set up a permanent anchor to stabilize it. To make a long story short, the other side was a frozen winter hellscape in rugged terrain. There were some lights near the horizon, but they thought it best to keep their distance, so they lit a signal fire and posted a guard to meet whoever came to investigate.

Just to see for myself, I stuck my head through the stargate into a blizzard on the other side. It appeared to be the middle of the night, and I could barely make out the silhouettes of two guards in the dim firelight. I sure as hell didn't envy them. In that storm, no one in their right mind would be out looking for signs of an alien invasion.

"I believe you wished to discuss something with us?" Luna broke the silence after I pulled my head back out. She'd directed the question at mystery woman. "We can go downstairs to the throne room now, if you'd like."

Celestia draped a wing over my shoulder as the others filed out and motioned for me to wait. "Go on ahead," she called to the other girls. "I'd like to speak to Bill privately for a moment."

Luna nodded at her sister and shut the door behind her, leaving me alone with Celestia. Now back on four legs, her face was at eye level. It felt kinda weird after weeks of looking up to meet her gaze.

"What's on your mind?" she asked bluntly.

"Nothing, really," I said. "I'm just glad this is almost over, and I'll be able to go home and get back to my life soon."

"You're a terrible liar." The Princess wasn't buying my fake optimism.

I sat back down on the couch and let out a sigh.

"Take your time," she prompted kindly.

"I don't know," I sighed again. "I'm so close to going home that I can smell it, but if I tried right now, I'd freeze to death in an hour. Now I'm stuck here waiting for something to happen, and it's even more out of my control than before. Throw on top of that all the friends I've made since I got here, and I'm worried that I might not be able to see any of them again."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," Celestia assured. "If all goes well, we plan to encourage travel and trade between our worlds through this and other portals we'll construct in time. You'll be able to visit any time you'd like."

"Easier said than done," I mumbled.

She ignored my comment and continued. "And if you decide you really miss us, well, I'm sure we could find a place somewhere respectable for a human who has little interest in silly political games."

I stared at her for a moment. "Thanks, but no thanks. I had my own life goals and ambitions before I got dragged into Equestria, and I'm not ready to abandon them just yet."

Celestia ran a hoof through her mane. "Suit yourself. Though if you change your mind, it's a standing offer. Let's go join the others and find out what that charming young lady wants. They should be waiting in the main gallery."

"Lead the way." I stood up and followed the Princess out.

We descended the stairs in amicable silence. Venting my frustrations to someone had improved my mood somewhat, and I was really curious about what little miss nudist wanted.

"We won't forget about you, you know," Celestia commented as we walked through the palace halls.

"Huh?"

"I mean you'll always be welcome here. You'll always have a place here. There will be others with greater accomplishments, higher ambitions, better looking..."

"Better in bed?" I added, earning myself a little love tap from the Princess's wing. I nearly lost my balance.

"Yes, better in bed," she confirmed. "But you'll always be the first, and we never forget our first."

"Even if we want to?" That got me another love tap. We continued down the hall a bit before I spoke again. "I don't know what to say. Thanks for the sentiment, but I wasn't really worried about that."

"I haven't held onto my position as long as I have without learning to read what others aren't saying. I can figure out what most ponies want for lunch before they do. I'm not that good with you yet, but your face and body language are still an open book."

I didn't argue.

Inside the throne room, Celestia and I walked in on an interesting scene. Miss nudist stood next to a small table surrounded by the others. She looked rather annoyed at a brick sitting on the table with a balloon attached. On the balloon were the words, "Not Discord."

"I know you're in there Discord. Come out now or I shall become even more disappointed in you than I already am." She sounded annoyed too.

I couldn't resist. "Are you sure that's Discord? The balloon says it isn't."

The woman looked up at me unpleasantly. "Of course it isn't. The brick is."

I paused. "Wow, that was a bad joke even by my standards."

She turned to look back down at the brick, which had remained silent and motionless. "If you're not gonna tip, would you quit staring at my tits?"

"You could just put some clothes on," I pointed out. They really were nice tits.

"Your distraction is not my problem," she said in a haughty voice, but she grinned and winked at me after saying it. Turning back around, she produced a golden apple from thin air and set it down on the table next to the brick, which recoiled visibly and shuddered.

A panicked voice echoed around the room. "I didn't do it, I swear!"

"I never said you did," said the woman patiently. "Now stop being a silly boy; get out here; and properly introduce me to your friends."

Several of the assembled ponies traded glances suggesting they had slightly different ideas about their relationship with the brick, but they kept quiet. A mysterious woman who could strike fear into an inanimate object was not someone to test the patience of.

I watched the brick. It appeared to weigh its options for a brief moment before turning into a cloud of smoke. Out of the smoke emerged a sort of chimera-like creature that I could only describe as something Dr. Frankenstein might have produced if he'd rummaged through the spare parts bin at the zoo.

"Discord," the woman addressed it with a scolding tone. "Do you remember anything I taught you about style?"

Discord ignored her and turned to the rest of us. In a deadpan voice, he addressed those of us gathered in the throne room. "Ladies and gentleman, it is my distinct honor and pleasure to introduce you all to..." he hesitated as the woman turned to face us as well. "My mother," he finished lamely.

The woman bowed slightly, "I've had a few different names over the years, but you may call me Eroki."

While everyone else stared slack-jawed at the pair, Fluttershy moved towards Discord, "Is she the reason you ran away when you found out about Bill?"

Discord nodded, and Fluttershy opened her mouth, but Eroki cut her off. "He thought I'd think that he had something to do with our little human friend vanishing from my territory and punish him for it. If he'd thought for another five seconds, he would have realized that I would've known right away if he had been. I do have a few things to say to him about the finer points of spreading mischief, but that's irrelevant to our dear friend over there."

Things descended into general chatting after that, and I excused myself as soon as I politely could. I still had my bathrobe on, and even though birthday suits were acceptable attire, it was getting a bit drafty. I never did get used to the colder temperatures indoors.

I managed to have a grand total of about ten minutes to myself before Eroki showed up in my room. I'd changed back into my pajamas and sat on the edge of my bed just idly thinking to myself about random, unimportant things like whether or not I could make any money out of my experiences.

"Whatcha thinkin?" Eroki asked, sitting down next to me.

"What the tabloids are gonna say about my time here," I said, staring intently at a pattern in the carpet.

"Are you gonna tell them anything?"

"Nah, I think I'll let 'em speculate. The truth is stranger than whatever fiction they'll dream up. Most alien abduction fantasies are just poorly-written projections of the writer's sexual fetishes anyway."

I could feel her gaze drilling a hole in the side of my head but continued my inspection of the floor. Finally, she broke the silence. "I really should take my son to Earth. He has so much to learn."

I said nothing.

Eroki continued. "He just never had the patience to let things play out, to leave well enough alone, to let everyone else do his work for him. Take Earth, for example. I just had to find a handful of people who knew how to think, give them a passing interest in devices and mechanisms, and a few thousand years later, you people invent the internet. That would never have happened if someone had been meddling as much as Discord does, yet it's accomplished more in a few short decades than he has in his entire life."

I continued saying nothing, partly because I had no idea how to respond to Eroki's parental musing, but mostly because since she'd walked in on me, a small but growing part of me had started down a completely different line of thought. I didn't want to risk blurting out something stupid as a result of having two things on my mind.

Sighing, Eroki lay back on the bed with her legs hanging off the edge, and there was a brief rustling of the covers. "Such a comfy bed," she remarked.

I cracked and stole a glance. She smiled and pulled her legs up. I looked back at the floor.

"You wouldn't regret it, you know," she said in the half bored manner of someone commenting on the weather.

"Regret what?" I knew she knew what I was thinking, but appearances must be kept. I turned around in time to catch her rolling her eyes at me.

Eroki took a deep breath and sighed, the rise and fall of her chest making a statement all by itself. "You know, that thing you're thinking about but won't say aloud. You want it; I don't mind; and there are worse ways to spend an afternoon."

I didn't regret what we did for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, and for once I wasn't too exhausted to move afterwards.

For the first time in over a week, I woke up in the morning feeling well rested. Eroki was gone, and there was a note on the nightstand directing me to a meeting room near the observatory once I'd had breakfast. There wasn't any particular rush, just a couple people from Earth who wanted to see me.

I took my time getting dressed and walked at a leisurely pace to the dining room, where I took great care to savor every bite of a complete and nutritious breakfast before calmly making my way to the meeting room.

"So you're that student that went missing back in December," said one of the two men. They were both wearing heavy coats and drinking mugs of coffee. The one addressing me looked to be older and spoke in a gruff, but jovial tone. "You got some syrup down your shirt."

"Eh?" I inquired. My brain was still a few steps behind current events. I vaguely remembered dropping half a pancake while trying to shove the whole thing in my mouth.

From an unseen corner, Luna stepped out. "The storm cleared up while you were asleep. One of their flying machines came to investigate our fire, and the guards were able to bring them to this side to talk."

"It was a rather interesting bit of charades," chimed the younger one in a foreign accent. "I damn near jumped out of my skin when we came out into a palace, and my partner suddenly started talking in perfect French."

"And I damn near wrung your neck when you said these guys spoke French after I clearly heard them in English." The two men shared a look. "Still, it's a strange pill to swallow even after the girls explained it to us. Friendly little things once you're done freaking out."

"We let them know about you so they could contact the authorities on Earth," Luna added. "Your accommodations are being prepared as we speak."

"I Hope you have some warm clothes for the trip," said the younger one. "Winter is harsh in the Yukon, and it will be 30 minutes by helicopter to the nearest town."

"Speaking of which," the old man turned serious, "we got about 2 hours of daylight left, and there's another storm moving in. Clean yourself up, pack your shit, and say your goodbyes cuz we ain't got time to screw around." To Princess Luna, he said, "Thanks for the grub, Princess. Don't let your boys freeze to death out there. We'll send some of ours out to help set up a checkpoint. I'm sure the politicians will catch wind of it soon enough and come poking around to complicate things."

The next hour or so passed in a blur. The girls all wanted to get their last minute hugs and one bone-crushing death grip in, and it took several promises to stay in touch before I could break free. Twilight helped with the packing and insisted on carrying my stuff to the stargate. It wasn't that much, but in the circumstances, it didn't hurt to make a little concession for once.

I stood in front of the stargate, staring into the swirling darkness. On the other side was home. This was actually happening. I could finally go back to my life. I could...

"Save the dramatics for later. Get a move on!" yelled the old man.

I stepped through the hole in space. While I wasn't quite home yet, at least I was on the right planet. Stuff happened after that, but most of it wasn't my problem. I did make sure to stay in touch, though. I didn't want to test the rumors I'd heard about Pinkie Pie.