Team Jenkins: The Heatathon

by Paddle Steamer

Chapter 1: Prologue

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27, June 1003


James sat quietly in the dimly lit room of Octavia's apartment, his disassembled L85A2 spread out on the table in front of him. One by one he took the pieces and cleaned them off with a solvent before wiping them and coating them in a fresh layer of oil. He took pride in his rifle; it had gotten him out of more situations than he could remember, in some ways he could thank that rifle for his arrival in Equestria.


23, May 2014


Sergeant James Patterson was taking heavy fire, the rest of his squad dead and the enemy gaining ground rapidly he had little hope. He loaded a fresh mag into his rifle and took careful aim; everything being lit up in a dim green glow through his SUSAT sight. A crack, followed by a hostile crumpling to the ground, then another and another; one shot at a time hostiles fell; James made sure to make his 30 rounds count.

He heard a dull thud and looked down to see a grenade roll up to his boot, wasting no time he leapt back with a muttered curse; only to be enveloped by a strange light. He landed with a hard thud on damp soil, the sound of twigs snapping under his weight reached his ears. 'Wait... twigs? I was in a city!' He quickly sat up holding his rifle; he just sat there staring at his surroundings. James couldn't make heads or tails of what he was seeing, it was a forest sure; but how did he get into a forest?

He got up slowly, rifle sweeping across the treeline, the SUSAT giving off a dim glow against his face. He heard a branch snap behind him and turned around with lightning reflexes, only to be greeted by the sight of a rifle barrel. He followed it up to the man holding it; a U.S. Marine, James looked at his name patch: Corporal L. Jenkins. "Whoa easy there mate, we're on the same side remember?"

The Marine lowered his rifle before cocking an eyebrow at the Brit, who mimicked the gesture. "So... what's your story, how'd you get here?" James asked waving a hand at the forest. "And furthermore, do you know where "here" is?"

The Marine shrugged and promptly stated his name, rank, assigned unit, and story. "Corporal Leeroy Jenkins, 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1st Battalion 2nd Marines. The last thing I can remember was being thrown out of a helicopter when we were hit by an RPG. After that there was a strange light, then boom, here I am safe and sound in a forest. You?" Jenkins' brows furrowed in confusion as he tried to understand what had happened to himself.

James pondered what he said for a second, but there was one question he had to ask. "So, Leroy is it? That wouldn't happen to be spelled with two e's would it?" He asked with the smallest of smiles working its way onto his face.

Jenkins for the most part just gave him a blank stare before responding. "Yes, it is. And before you ask; yes I have done the yell, and I can mimic the original quite closely. Yes, go ahead and laugh; you wouldn't be the first." He deadpanned.

James for the most part managed to remain in control; although his smile did grow in size. He gave the Marine a nod and proceeded to recap the incidents leading up the unexplained light and him being thrown into the forest. "... and then I turned around to greet your rifle. Whatever that phenomenon was; it seems we owe our survival to it." He noticed the forest growing darker, and decided he'd rather not be in it at night. "We should get moving, we have less than an hour's worth of light and this path has to lead somewhere." He gestured down the narrow dirt path.

The two soldiers walked down the quiet path, constantly watching the forest for anything looking for a fight. While they both had the feeling of being watched and occasionally heard a twig snap; after about 15 minutes of walking the forest began to clear. Beyond them was a large field with smooth sloping hills leading to what appeared to be a very small town. The two men glanced at each other and then back to the town; it was primitive, even from this distance the thatched roofs stood out very clearly. This coupled with the lack of radio chatter led to some rash theories being brought up...

"We've gone back in time! How could we have travelled back in time!?" Jenkins said; the panic clear in his voice.

"We didn't go back in time Jenkins." James deadpanned.

"What makes you so sure? That town looks like something I've seen in medieval movies, and where's the radio traffic?" Jenkins shot back.

"Time travel isn't possible, have some sense Corporal. I've seen some modern houses back in England that have thatched roofs, although those seem to be actual..." James trailed off; something catching his eye. He pulled out his binoculars and looked closely at the town; his brows furrowed in confusion before he spoke. "Jenkins, tell me; what do you make of that?"

He handed over his binoculars and directed the Marine's vision to a street in the town. It took him a bit before he noticed movement and his mouth hung slightly agape at the sight before him. There on the street a cream coloured horse with a red and pink mane and overly large eyes trotted down the street carrying a basket of roses. "...What?" Jenkins deadpanned.

He handed the binoculars back to James before pulling out his own and scanning the town. They both spotted more horses, and... "That's not possible." James muttered looking at what could only be called a Pegasus.

"You're right Sergeant. We didn't go back in time; we went to another fucking planet! This is just great, how can this-" Jenkins was cut-off but James.

"Don't finish that sentence. Well I'm open for suggestions here, because my training never covered this, did yours?" James said with a sideways glance to Jenkins.

"Nope." He deadpanned.

With a sigh James began to think of a plan. "As much as I rather leave this to some politician; we don't have that luxury. So we should try to open relations with the... locals, because we may be here for a long time and they could be our only chance to get supplies. I'd rather not have to tough it out in the forest for the rest of my life... so... agreed?"

Jenkins contemplated their rather limited options before nodding. "Agreed."

"With that settled we should try to come off as least threatening as possible, well as least threatening two armed soldiers in full combat gear can be." James stated and they began to march down to the town.

"We're so screwed." Jenkins muttered to himself with a grimace.

As the men neared the town they realised the unearthly quiet and noticed that not only had the equines vacated the streets, but some of the houses appeared to be recently boarded up. "Some welcoming committee..." James said glancing at the empty streets.

"Well can you blame them? We are aliens after all." Jenkins stated while looking for any sign of life.

"No, I guess I really can't. But still... I'm surprised there isn't that 'one' person who isn't afraid to do something, every town has one of those." James said walking through what appeared to be a market.

"Hey, over here ugly!" Came a shout from James' right and he instinctively sidestepped out of the way, just as a cyan Pegasus streaked by where he was previously standing. The Pegasus crashed into one of the nearby flower carts; burying itself in daffodils. James cocked and eyebrow while Jenkins chuckled before he walked over to the downed equine.

"Word of the wise ma'am: don't shout. Now do you care to try this again?" James said calmly, holding a hand out to help the equine up. She batted it away and got up on her own.

"I don't need your help, and who do you think you are coming into Ponyville and threatening everypony huh? You big ugly monsters!" She made ready to attack again before both gave her a reality checking deadpan.

"You can't be serious." They chorused.

"I'm sorry ma'am; but monsters, threatening everyone? We haven't done anything since we got here other than look around, which last time I checked wasn't very threatening. And monsters? What kind of monsters wear military uniforms, or clothes in general for that matter?" James replied, calm and completely serious.

"Well... um... you!" The Pegasus sputtered out. James just cocked a brow at her, which she caught. "Uh... I guess you have a point." She just glanced at the ground.

Jenkins tapped James' shoulder and pointed a thumb at five other equines, which now that he thought about; their size would make them ponies not horses. The expression on the ponies' faces however led them both to adopting the "well, shit" face.

"Who do you think y'all are hurtin' our friend like that?" The one in a Stetson replied in a shockingly Southern accent.

She wasn't serious was she? Yep; she was. James groaned before explaining calmly to them the situation. "First; I didn't do anything to your friend, I just stepped out of her way and she flew into the cart. Second; we aren't monsters, we aren't threats; all we did was come here to open relations with you, but that seems to be a lost cause. Third; with all due respect ma'am, if this is how you treat all your guests I'd hate to see your PR ratings."

The five ponies gave the two soldiers angry glares while they tried to find a flaw in their statement; finding none the one in the Stetson looked to the ground and mumbled an apology. After a while of awkward silence a lavender Unicorn took a step forward and introduced herself.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, I apologise for our behaviour; we shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like we did." Jenkins muttered something under his breath that Twilight didn't notice. "These are my friends; Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash." The ponies in question nodded as their names were called, except for Fluttershy; who whimpered and backed behind Pinkie.

James and Jenkins glanced at each other; silently coming to agreement to be show-offs. They both stood at attention and gave a crisp salute.

"Sergeant James Patterson; 1st Battalion, The Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, Queen's Division, British Army; at your service." Edwin said with a pride.

"Corporal Leeroy Jenkins; United States Marine Corps, 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1st Battalion 2nd Marines." Jenkins said with equal amounts of pride.


27, June 1003


That was a little over a month ago, and things didn't go very smoothly shortly after. On their way to Twilight's library James realised that the ponies were speaking English, he didn't know why he hadn't realised it earlier but he guessed his mind was a little busy. Although when the ponies said it was Equestrian, well; Jenkins and Rainbow argued the whole way there over English or Equestrian. Needless to say James had developed a rather large headache and finally decided to "gently" explain that they're apparently the same language.

His word choice seemed to shock the ponies, seems they don't curse much. Then the reveal of magic, that went over quite well; with James stating it as impossible and still denying it to this day. He simply stated that if he had a team of scientist and modern equipment that he'd be able to find out what "magic" really is. That led to a large argument between him and Twilight while Jenkins just snickered and the others watched with interest. Once they had calmed down and Twilight realised that there was no magic where the soldiers came from... well... 20 questions per second became the new normal.

The next day things went really badly. Twilight managed to base all of humanity on very little information and her conclusions were insulting, to say the least. James and Jenkins had to use all their willpower to not shoot the Unicorn; needless to say they didn't stay in Ponyville very long. Even with Twilight's near constant apologies they were pissed, they took the first train to the first place listed in the routes. Rarity was willing to pay for their tickets when she realised they weren't changing their minds, and they still didn't. A month later and James still hasn't forgiven that Unicorn, in fact he was sure he'd punch her in the muzzle if he had the chance.

James returned his attention to his rifle, deciding not to dwell in the past for too long. He began to reassemble the weapon, but he was interrupted halfway through by Jenkins bursting through the door, unnervingly excited.

"Guess what? I just signed us up for a race with a cash prize of 10,000 bits! We totally got this." He said holding out a piece of paper and beaming at James.

"What do you mean 'us'?" James replied, already dreading the answer.

"Well it was team based; groups of three, so I signed you and Time Turner up." He stated simply, seemingly not realising what he did wrong.

James pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Can I see that?" He asked referring to the paper Jenkins was holding.

Jenkins handed the form over to James; who began to read aloud.

The Heatathon. Two week team based endurance race for the grand cash prize of 10,000 bits! Participants must be in good physical shape, male and have high stamina.

It's that time of year again; mares in heat and stallions hard to come by. The Heatathon pits stallion against mare in a race to keep from getting intimate with the competition...

James had stopped reading aloud and quickly read the remainder of the form, utter horror plastered upon his face. When he reached the bottom his heart skipped a beat.

Applicants who have been approved to compete cannot void their application and must compete in the race.

James glanced from the form to Jenkins multiple times before his gaze rested on Jenkins. In a calm and simple tone he asked him a single question. "Jenkins, pray tell, did you happen to read past the first line?"

Jenkins shook his head before answering. "No, why?"

James just stared at him for a moment, trying not to let his anger control him; but it was a futile attempt.

"JENKINS!!!!!!" Next Chapter: Jenkins; you ruin everything Estimated time remaining: 5 Minutes

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