Her Tavi, No Longer
by Brony19
Chapters
I Miss You So...
"Vinyl, we need to talk."
"Sure thing, Tavi. Whatch'ya need?"
"It's... about us."
"*Sigh* Look, I know things are getting hectic with my scedule, but I love you. I can always make time for you."
"I know, Vinyl. But what if you can't make enough?"
Vinyl Scratch remembered that was the begining of the end. She also remembered she managed to keep Tavi from going away at that moment; she would after that week, however. Still, it was one more week she had with her Tavi, the greatest, most wonderful mare in Equestria. She wished more than anything that she could rewind time and fix herself and Tavi from falling apart like they did. That she could put more time aside for her. She should have, and she damn well knew it. But she didn't. To be number one on the charts for seven straight months meant being on top of things. Unfortunatly for her and Octavia, "Tavi Time" wasn't something that took priority until it was far too late.
Sunlight shined on her eyes, her glasses resting on the nightstand. She groaned and used her magic to close the blinds to block out the light. She knew she shouldn't mope in bed today, she had done pleanty of that three years ago. But Goddesses damnit, she was going to today. She didn't have anything planed today, anyway.
Sometimes she wished she could forget about the time they spent together, but it's hard to forget the two greatest years of your life, no matter how hard you try. And be that as it may, it felt like she was betraying Tavi when she did try, like if she forgot about her, she would cease to exist. For Tavi, Vinyl did practicly disappear because she was so busy with her new career. Vinyl dedicated so much time, she hardly ever came home from work. When she called, Vinyl would say she only needed another hour to finish this song, to set her scedule, to do whatever. Vinyl regreted that so much.
"Yo?"
"Vinyl, it's me."
"Hey Tavi! What do ya need?"
"Well, you would be nice."
"Heh heh, I bet you do."
"Heh, yes, that would be nice too. But just having you home tonight would be nice as well."
"Sure, give me an hour to finish this track, 'kay?"
"Oh... okay. I'll see you then."
"See you tonight."
"Vinyl?"
"Yeah babe?"
"I love you."
"I love you too." *Click*
Oh Celestia, did she regret those words. Every time she said them, they seemed so harmless, so innocent. How could she have done that to her? Left Tavi alone in their apartment, with nopony to be there with her, to eat dinner with her, to love her. She missed those words. She missed Tavi saying, "I love you." More than anything, she wished she could hear her say those words again. Even if it was just once, she would throw away all her success, all the fame, all the money just so Tavi could say she loved her one more time. She felt a tear roll down her cheek at the thought of that.
"I love you, Tavi... I love you so much..." Vinyl whispered to herself. She didn't say it to anypony, she just felt like she should say it. How could she have been so blind? Everything she ever needed out of life was right next to her the whole time, and she let her slip away. More tears fell, leaving cold trails as they went. Vinyl pulled the covers a little closer to her. It did nothing to ward off the sudden chill she felt. She let out a soft cry and turned onto her side to look at her nightstand. It was nothing special, just plain wood, two drawers and her tradmark glasses. It was the other object on it that mattered to her.
It was a picture of her and Octavia. They were sitting on a beach, under the shade of an umbrella, both wearing the biggest smiles they ever had. Vinyl remembered that day as well. It was their one year aniversary. Vinyl had just become the biggest new artist just a week prior and had the money to give the two a vacation to that island for a week. It had been beautiful, the weather was picture-perfect the whole week, the water increadible, the food some of the best she ever had in her life. But the most important part of the entire trip was Tavi. There was hardly a moment she wasn't wearing a smile, even when she slept. Or rather, when Vinyl decided to let her sleep.
"Oh sweet Celestia, Vinyl. That was increadible."
"I thought you'd like it."
Octavia kissed her. "I love you."
Vinyl kissed her as well. "I love you too."
The next morning they took that picture. They swam in the ocean. They made love on the beach. Oh, Goddesses, she loved Tavi so much. But she was gone. And she had nopony to blame but herself and her damn career. She stared at the picture like if she looked hard enough she could go back to then. Eventually the tears made it too blurry to see it. She wiped her tears away and rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. "Stop crying girl. You've done enough of that." She said to herself. It didn't help too much, but she stopped, for now. She wondered if Tavi missed her as much as she missed her. She doubted it. She fucked-up too much for Tavi to lie in bed and cry like this over what had been.
Vinyl wondered how her career as a cellist was going. She was good, no, great with her cello. Whenever Vinyl was home to hear her play, she would always open the door and lean against the doorframe and listen to her play. Once Tavi finished and began to pack up, she would notice her. It was always the same; Tavi would pretend to be mad at her, Vinyl would pretend to beg her forgiveness, and Tavi would consider it. Vinyl would ask if there was anything she could do to make it up to her and Tavi would always say the same thing:
"Well... maybe if you say that you love me, I might forgive you."
Then Vinyl would say she loved her, Tavi would ask her to prove it, and she would kiss Tavi. Sometimes they went further, sometimes they didn't. Every time, Vinyl was never happier. Despite her current feelings, Vinyl smiled at the memories. She even went as far as to give a half-hearted chuckle at how they would do the same thing every time. It was a sort of inside joke between her and Tavi. Nopony ever saw one of these events, but they were more than just playful moments to the two; it was a reminder of their first kiss. Vinyl smiled more as she remembered how her life changed forever.
She came home from a minor gig and heard beautiful music coming from Octavia's room. She opened the door and saw her playing her cello. Vinyl leaned on the doorframe and just watched her. Octavia had her back to her while she played. After a few minutes, Octavia began to put her cello away, noticing Vinyl for the first time.
"Vinyl! What are you doing?!"
"Uh, n-nothing! I was just, uh-"
"Just watching me play! That's creepy!"
"Sorry! Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
"Well... could you come here?"
Perplexed, Vinyl did. Octavia motioned her closer, until the two were inches away from each other. Slowly, Octavia leaned closer to Vinyl and began to close her eyes. Vinyl did the same until their lips connected, sending happy fireworks through both mares' minds.
Vinyl still couldn't believe that Tavi did that, even five years later. She knew she liked Tavi when they were in high school, but she never let her feelings be known to her in case Tavi didn't feel the same. She didn't know how long Tavi liked her back, but she didn't care. She liked her, and that was all that mattered. Emphasis on was. As quick as it came, the smile was replaced with a sad frown. "Why did I let it get so bad?"
No matter how many times she asked herself that, she never found an answer. That was what hurt the most: that she let it get so bad and still, three years later, didn't have the answer as to why. She knew how it happened, just not why she had been blind to it when it did. For Luna's sake, she had one fuckin' year to see it coming, but she didn't. She... just didn't.
"Vinyl, it's not working."
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"Wait, TAVI!!!"
And she left. Just like that, she was gone. The night before, she had packed her things. Vinyl, coming home well past one in the morining, didn't turn on the lights and didn't notice. She climbed into bed and slept next to her marefriend that night thinking that tomorrow would be like any other day. What she woke to instead was Tavi, all her things in a saddle bag and her cello in its case, waiting for her in the living room. Tavi said those words and left.
Vinyl stared at the door like this wasn't real, that it was just a nightmare. Eventually when she didn't wake up, she realized that this was real life. So overwhelmed by how quickly it ended, she fell to the floor and cried. She cried the worst she ever had in her life, shouting Octavia's name until it hurt.
"Octavia! OCTAVIA!!! TAVI!!!"
Eventually, her agent burst into her apartment, long after Vinyl lost her voice. He found her on the floor, sobbing quietly only because she couldn't speak any more. It took him an hour just to get her off the floor and onto the couch. It was a full day before she could talk again, even then, it was only simple things like one-word answers. After a week, she began coming back to the studio. After a month, she actually started working again. In that month, she made her top-selling alblum, achiveing platnum status three times and staying at the top of the charts for four months, selling an estimated six million copies. She didn't care, though. All she cared about was Tavi.
Her Tavi.
But she was her Tavi, no longer.
While she didn't do this every day, she still hoped. Maybe one day she could go back to the way things had been. Tavi would be at her side, and Vinyl would make time to be at her side as well if it killed her. But she knew that day may never come. Even if she waited all day at the front door in the hopes that Tavi would walk through it. Even if she hoped that when she looked through her mail there would be a letter from Tavi. Even if she lied in bed and hoped that day would come. The way things were felt like an afterlife to her now; one she desperatly needed to return too. She supposed she didn't belong there anymore. She had moved on, wither she liked it or not.
Deciding to get out of bed, she threw the covers off and made her way for the bathroom. After showering, she went to the kitchen to make some simple breakfast, toast. 'Octavia's favorite...' She thought to herself before shaking her head and continuing to make it. "Stop. You've done enough damage for today." She said aloud to herself. Once the toast was done, she put it on a plate, buttered it, and moved to that table to begin to eat. She had only her first bite before the doorbell rang. Curious as to who it could be, she got up and opened the door.
"...Tavi?"
... I'm Gone Forever
"Tavi?"
"Yes Vinyl?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Octavia Philharmonica missed those words. The three little words that meant so much to her, to anypony lucky enough to hear them from the pony of their dreams. Octavia knew she was blessed when she was with Vinyl, she knew it from the day they meet. When she was with Vinyl, she was always happy, always felt loved, even before the day she first caught her listening to her practice. When she kissed her that day, and Vinyl kissed back, she knew her life changed.
She just wished it had been for the better.
At first, things were great, everything was fantastic even. They always had time, they had dinner together every night, and they saw each other daily, it was like a teenage dream come true. They had that special somepony to always look forward too. But it started to die. As soon as Vinyl had made it to the top, time started to decline for the two. It wasn't a lot at first, just getting home a few minutes later than promised. And besides, Vinyl always made up for it, one way or another. Eventually, the times got longer and longer, the make-ups few and far in between. While it started to drain on her after the first month, she powered through it, because Vinyl loved her, and she loved Vinyl.
The sun was climbing over the horizon now. Octavia was mildly surprised; she did it again. She stayed up all night, thinking about the way things had been and how she wished it had turned out. She hadn't shed any tears last night, a welcome change. Her quartet was always concerned when she came to practice with red, baggy eyes from a night spent lost in the memories of what was, without a doubt, the greatest mare she would ever know. She continued to sit on the foot of her bed and simply stare out the apartment's window. She wasn't looking at anything special, just staring out into space, the window providing what felt like an appropriate place to look while doing so.
"Octavia! Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Just... a long night."
"Are you sure that you're okay? Your eyes are really red."
"*Sigh* I'm fine. I was just thinking about somepony special that I used to know. I'm ready for practice, I promise."
"Well... if you insist Octavia."
Her quartet. She loved them like family and she knew they loved her as well. They were always concerned when she came to practice like that. She never told them who it was she thought about, just that they were special to her once upon a time. Once upon a time... heh, what a cliché. Life never worked like it did in the story books, at least, not for Octavia. She didn't get her happy ever after. Even if she was swept off her hoofs by the mare of her dreams, it turned out to be a sad chapter in her life. That's what she thought of those two years now, that it was just part of her life, that it hadn't ended yet. Maybe happy ever after could happen to her. It just wouldn’t be with the mare that mattered most.
Maybe.
"Why? Why did it end like it did?" Octavia whispered to herself. She had come to the conclusion, long ago, that it wasn't her. She tried as hard as she could to keep it going, to give life to the fading spark of their love. In all truthfulness, that spark still lived, barely, inside her. She hated what Vinyl did. She hated it with every passing day. But never, in all of time, would she ever hate Vinyl. She loved her too much to ever do that. Even after how bad things became, she knew, deep down, she still loved Vinyl. How couldn't she?
The two mares pulled back from their first kiss, eyes still closed. Slowly, Octavia opened hers to stare into Vinyl's deep crimson eyes. Her face happened to be the same color.
"I've wanted to do that for so long..."
"I've wanted to do that for a while, too."
"Tavi?"
"Yes Vinyl?"
"I... I love you."
"... I love you too."
A sad smile spread over her lips. "I love you too, Vinyl." She said. She didn't know why, it just felt like it needed saying. It had been a while since she said those words. Too long, in her mind. She had thought about going back to Vinyl a few times before. And every time she did, her heart reminded her of what she did. Octavia knew Vinyl never meant to hurt her, but it didn't keep her from being hurt. The cuts that weren’t meant to harm cut the deepest on a heart. Shattered might be a better term.
Octavia also knew that Vinyl left her broken, unable to love another but hurt too much to love the one she already, and still, did. She tried to find somepony else to fill the void Vinyl kept with her when Octavia left. Every time, it never got past the first date. The spark that burned for Vinyl never lit for anypony else. If anything, it only burned brighter for her. But she couldn't go back to her, she just couldn't. She couldn't risk Vinyl hurting her again. She was just a shell of who she had been, what would be left of her if Vinyl broke her again?
She shuddered slightly at the thought.
Sadly, a darker time of her and Vinyl’s friendship surfaced.
"Vinyl?? What the hay are you doing?!"
"N... nothin'. Jus' havin' a... party favor. It'sh reeeeally good."
"No, it's not good! For Luna's sake, you're abusing pills!"
"Calm down Octy. It'sh not like I'm... d-dead or anything."
Octavia was crying now. "Not yet! Why? Why would you do this?"
Vinyl stared blankly at her. After a few moments, she began to cry as well. "I-I'm so-sorry Tavi."
Octavia quickly grabbed her friend into a tight embrace. Vinyl cried into her shoulder. "I hurt, Tavi."
"Why?"
"Be-because I l-love you."
Octavia never knew what she said until she kissed her. "Because I love you..." Echoed in her mind. She never knew why that caused Vinyl to abuse pills like she did, but she helped her though it, every step of the way. The next day, Octavia put Vinyl in rehab. Three weeks later, Vinyl was one hundred percent sober. She never touched pills again after that experience. Maybe it was because the doctor said she was only a pill or two from overdosing when she was brought in, maybe because she never wanted to hurt Octavia like that again. Either way, she was clean, and Octavia had never been more proud of her. A month later, they kiss for the first time.
Maybe that was why she fell for Vinyl like she did. Maybe it was because she didn't want to see her friend like that again, to see her friend in such pain. She'll admit, she sometimes found her eyes wandering over Vinyl more than they should have and that most likely caused her to kiss her that day. But somewhere along the way, she loved Vinyl for a different reason. She never could put her hoof on it. Maybe she loved her for her? Maybe she made her feel like nopony else could? Maybe she was the best pony she had ever bed? Maybe all three. Well, most likely the first two, but the third certainly helped.
She thought about their first time together. Goddesses, was it awkward. She gave a half-hearted chuckle. To think you could know a mare for your whole life, and a simple thing like sex was so embarrassing. It was clumsy, and it was new for Octavia because she had never been with another mare like that. Vinyl had, she had been a fillyfooler as long as she had known her. Octavia never thought any less of her when she openly admit it to her. Granted, she did feel a little uncomfterble when Vinyl would bring her marefriend home, but it was more than that. At first she didn't notice it, but she felt jealous when she saw Vinyl with another mare. Until the day she kissed her, she never understood why.
"Hello Vinyl. Who is this?"
"Hey Octy, this is Aloe."
"Hi."
"Hello. You must be..."
"My marefriend."
"Ah, I'm happy for you two."
But she wasn't. No, she was very jealous of Aloe, but she never showed it.
... Had Vinyl moved on?
She didn't know where that thought came from, but it scared her. She hadn't talked to Vinyl in three years, mostly because she was afraid that if she did, they would get back together and she would get hurt again. But now, she thought about talking with her again. While the thought of Vinyl hurting her scared her, the thought of Vinyl moving on scared her even more. If she did, or had, then that would be it. It would be over, gone forever. All she would have left are the memories, and they weren't enough. She reached for the phone but stopped just shy of it. No... this should be done in person. She thought as she pulled her hoof back.
***
There it was. The door to her old apartment. Such a simple thing, an oak door with the number 102 in gold lettering. It was just a door, nothing more, nothing less.
Then why was Octavia so afraid of it?
She was standing in front of it in the hallway, staring at it as though it would jump at her and kill her. To anypony else, it was just a door. To Octavia, it was a portal to a world long lost, it was a fork in the road of her life. Down one road: a life with Vinyl in it, even if she was with somepony else. Down the other: a life left untouched by Vinyl forever, until the day Octavia died. Both choices seemed just as intimidating. She stood there for what felt like hours, debating which option was the right one. Eventually she came to a simpler choice.
Live a life with Vinyl in it or without her.
That choice kept her in a deadlock between the two. Both were nice and both scared her beyond belief. She thought about their relationship, from beginning to end. The day they first met, the day they knew they became friends, their first day of high school, first day of collage, when they moved in together to the very apartment she was standing outside of. Their first kiss, their first time, their break up. After going through so much, could she bare to live the rest of her life without her?
Octavia raised her hoof.
Are you sure?
She knocked.
Yes. Even if we can't be together, I still need her.
Vinyl opened the door.
"... Tavi?"
She smiled. "Hello Vinyl."
They moved forward at the same time and hugged, for the first time in three years.
"I love you so much Tavi! I'm so sorry!" Vinyl cried into her shoulder.
"I know you are. I love you too."