“Anyone who claims to be good at lying is obviously bad at lying. Thus - as a writer myself - I cannot comment on whether or not writers are exceptionally good liars, because whatever I said would actually mean its complete opposite.”

Chuck Klosterman

Twilight Sparkle walked down main street with chains still clamped to her ankles. Her friends followed at a safe distance behind, as did a troop of town guards. Ponies gathered by the side of the road to watch the solemn, lonely procession. Twilight walked to the ruined library and sat on the ground where the front door had been.

Rainbow Dash leaned close to Applejack and whispered, “should we really let her walk around like this? You saw what she did, right?”

“It’s not like we could stop her,” said Applejack. “She busted out of prison like it was made of tinfoil.”

Fluttershy brushed her hair out of her eyes “She seems peaceful now. Perhaps she’s had a change of heart?”

“Dunno,” Applejack said. “I can’t imagine what’s goin’ through her head right now.”

Rarity nodded to Fluttershy. “Perhaps you should have a word with her. She might be in desperate need of a little kindness.”

Fluttershy swallowed a lump in her throat. “I don’t know if that’s wise. I was the last pony she spoke to before the... accident. She wasn’t very happy with what I told her.”

“Gee, girls. She looks kinda hungry,” said Rainbow Dash. “Should we go get her a Truth Hurts Donut?”

“Shush you,” said Applejack. “And don’t blame yourself, Fluttershy. You told her the truth, and she decided to hear somethin’ else entirely.”

They watched Twilight Sparkle for a while. She simply sat on the ground, staring at the charred ruin that had once been her home.

Fluttershy glanced back at her friends: they wordlessly nodded her on, and she wordlessly shook her head. Rainbow Dash gave her a firm push forward and Fluttershy grudgingly tiptoed ahead.

“Ah... hello?”

Twilight Sparkle’s face remained blank.

“If you wanna talk, we could... talk.”

“Want to.”

“Pardon?”

Twilight gave her a slight nod. “ ‘Wanna’ is not a real word. It should be ‘want to.’ ”

“Oh? Oh! Right, of course. Sorry.”

“Language is worth preserving. It is the essence of every civilization: the keystone of the arch that joins the twin pillars of education and communication. A government is only as good as its ability to communicate with its citizens.”

“Oh. That’s interesting.”

Twilight Sparkle raised a hoof and gestured to the buildings around them. “But communication must flow both ways to be effective. When a government seeks to oppress or control its citizens, it resorts to long and convoluted language: such words are meant to confuse and obscure the truth. A good and noble government must listen as much as it speaks.”

Fluttershy looked up at Twilight Sparkle. “What are you trying to say?”

“We art sorry.” Twilight’s blank expression cracked and the corners of her eyes and lips twisted. “We didn’t listen to our friends, and we nearly destroyed everything we hold dear.”

Fluttershy set a hoof on her shoulder. “Nopony was hurt. Not badly. A few scrapes and bruises, but that’s all.”

“An entire village was forced to abandon their homes in terror. Foals cried in justifiable fear because of what we knowingly did. There can be no excuse for what we hath done. Or for what came before.”

“You can still fix it, can’t you?”

“You told us once: there is nothing we hath done that cannot be forgiven. We hath done nothing to ourselves that cannot be healed.” Twilight turned to look at her. “We can repair the damage done to the village and perhaps we can beg for the forgiveness of others... but we do not know if we can forgive ourselves.”

Fluttershy marched in front of Twilight and gave her a sharp look. “Did your momma raise a quitter?”

Twilight stared at her in confusion, but then she smiled. “Verily, no. She dids’t not.”

Fluttershy smiled back at her. “That’s the spirit. What do we do first?”

“We must inform Princess Celestia at once. We suspect she will be very disappointed with us, but she may know of a way to reverse the peculiar metamorphosis we have undergone.” Twilight nodded to Fluttershy. “We must compose a letter immediately. Where is Spike?”

Fluttershy bit her lip and looked away.

Twilight’s smile faded. “Where is Spike?”

Twilight Sparkle and her friends followed the nurse through the halls of the hospital. She led them to one of their few intensive care rooms, and they walked in and formed a circle around Spike’s giant reclining bed. He was entirely covered in plaster casts, and his breathing was steady but shallow.

“We did this,” said Twilight. “This our fault.”

“We?” said Rainbow Dash. “Don’t even try to pin this on the rest of—”

“Dash, stop!” snapped Rarity.

Rainbow Dash glared at her, but stopped when she realized Twilight was crying.

“She means the royal we,” Rarity said. “It’s an idiom. She was referring to herself.”

Pinkie Pie reached up and gave Twilight a gentle pat on the shoulder. “It was just an accident. You didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“And yet here we are,” said Twilight. “Spike is in no condition to send a letter. We must needs rely on more conventional methods. Rainbow Dash... would you please deliver a letter for us? No pegasus is as close to the skies as thee.”

“I guess I could, but I’m not really built for cross-country flying. I know a couple mail ponies who can get the job done just as well. They’ll get it where it’s going for sure.”

“Excuse me, Princess Sparkle?”

Twilight Sparkle tensed. Her friends looked back at the nurse standing in the doorway. Twilight simply hunched her shoulders in a pitiful attempt to make herself smaller.

The nurse looked up at them blandly. “Which one of you is Princess Sparkle?”

Five of them turned to look at the towering, majestic Twilight, with her feathered owl-wings and long, gleaming horn.

Twilight took a breath and turned around. “We art not a princess.”

The nurse looked down at her clipboard. “Well that’s what it says in the visitor’s book. If you aren’t friend or family, I’ll have to ask you to leave. The patient is suffering extreme exhaustion and bodily trauma, and he needs quiet rest.”

“What? But we art—” Twilight Sparkle stopped as the nurse showed her the clipboard. Most of the names were messily scrawled, but one of the signatures was a glorious and extravagant work of calligraphy with sweeping flourishes that called to mind the shape and form of a quill. The ink shimmered like liquid silver.

“Apologies, but that this is not our name. It was a mistake on our part.”

“Well, can you mark it out and write your real name under it?”

“Beneath.”

The nurse looked up at her, blandly. “What?”

“Thou said under. The proper word is beneath.”

The nurse frowned at her, unamused.

“Coulds’t we... borrow thine pen?”

The nurse lifted up her ballpoint pen. Twilight took it in her mouth, but stopped before scratching a line through the word Princess. She stared at the word for several seconds.

“Ma’am?” said the nurse.

The pen fell from Twilight’s mouth as she spoke. “One moment, prithee.” She went to the side of the bed, spit on her hooves, and rubbed them together.

Fluttershy gave her a worried look. “Twilight? What are you—”

“Just one quick thing.” Twilight set her hooves on Spike’s chest, and her horn glowed white hot. “Verily, Princess powers a go-go!”

A vast pillar of pure, golden light cascaded up from the bed, and a choir of sublime voices filled the air with song. Spike levitated a few feet in the air and flexed his arms: his eyes opened wide, and beams of light poured out.

The light stopped, and Spike fell back onto the bed. “What the!?”

Everypony but Twilight stared at him in shock.

“Spike?” said Twilight, “How art thou feeling?”

“I feel... great!” He jumped up and ripped his casts off with a single motion. He stretched his arms out and took a deep breath. “Wow, I feel amazing! Does anyone else wanna go for a run or something? I could totally run a mile right now!”

Twilight picked him up and set him on her back, then turned to the nurse with a smile. “Is there anypony else in thine hospital?”

The nurse stared up at her. “W—’

“One moment!” Princess Sparkle said as she galloped out of the room. “T’won’t be long!”

Pinkie Pie’s watched her leave. “Princess powers a go-go?”

“Mommy?”

Ditzy Doo shot out of her chair and ran to the side of the hospital bed. “It’s okay, baby! Momma’s here!”

Dinky Hooves looked up at her, weak and hazy eyed. She’d been in intensive care for over a week straight now, and Ditzy Doo had refused to leave her side for even a second. She’d neglected her job and the bills were piling up at home, but none of that mattered. Not now.

“Momma?” Dinky’s eyes focused just a little. “Am I gonna be okay soon?”

“Of course you are!” Ditzy took her daughter’s hoof and held it against her cheek. “The doctors say you’ll be... just fine. They say you won’t be hurting for much longer.”

“Thas’ okay,” Dinky said. “I just don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

“I’ll be fine, Dinky. Don’t you worry about me!”

“Then why does it always hurt you to visit me?”

Ditzy bit her lip. Children always find out eventually, don’t they?

“It’s okay, momma. I love you so much, but I just don’t wanna hurt you no more. Promise me... promise you won’t... hurt...”

Ditzy watched as her daughter’s eyes began to close.

Twilight Sparkle skidded to a halt by the door and pointed her horn in. “Verily, princess powers a go-go!”

A vast pillar of pure, golden light cascaded up from her bed and a choir of sublime voices filled the air with song. Dinky Hooves levitated into the air and her eyes opened wide, beams of light pouring forth. She dropped onto the bed, bright-eyed and blinking.

“Heeey,” Dinky said, “I feel like I gots a liver inside me! A working liver! Wow, this is neat-o!”

“Verily,” said Twilight. “Also, do not blame yourself for your father’s absence: he was a cruel and unfeeling stallion and both thou and thine mother art better off without him.” Twilight turned to Ditzy Doo. “And thou shalt not feel pressured to remarry. Single parents art more than capable of raising a healthy child.”

“Thankoo, magic princess pony! You my favorite princess pony forever!” Dinky hopped on the bed, wings buzzing like a dragonfly’s. “Hey momma, can we play badminton? I bet I could play a million badmintons!”

Ditzy Doo stared at her daughter, wide-eyed and slack-jawed: Her mane was still wild and frazzled from the momentary blast of wind and light.

Peppermint Crunch sat with her daughter: Twist was fidgeting with her oversized glasses, and her curly red hair bobbed about. The doctor came in with a clipboard and Twist bit her lip in apprehension, revealing the gap in her front teeth. She only did that when she was really nervous.

“The results are back,” said the doctor. “I’m sorry Mrs Crunch, but there is no easy way to tell you this.”

Peppermint set her hoof on Twist’s.

“I’m afraid your daughter is just... not very pretty.” The doctor took his glasses off. “She’s okay looking, but she’ll never be truly beautiful.”

“Please, doctor!” Peppermint said, “there must be something to be done!”

“I’m afraid there is no treatment. I’ve spoken with the very best cosmetologists and beauticians in the world. The problem isn’t that Twist is ugly... she’s just extremely plain looking. There’s nothing they can do for her.”

Twist whimpered.

“It’s okay, honey!” Peppermint Crunch said, “you still have a great personality!”

Twist broke into tearful sobbing. “Don’t say that! How could you say something so awful!?”

“Verily, princess powers a go-go!”

“What!?” The doctor spun around, infuriated. “Who are—”

A vast pillar of pure, golden light cascaded up from the floor under Twist’s chair, and a choir of sublime voices filled the air with song. She levitated into the air and her eyes opened wide, beams of light pouring forth. She dropped back into her chair, bright-eyed and blinking.

Peppermint stared at her daughter. “Baby!?”

Twist looked in the full length mirror on the facing wall: her curly red hair was now a cascade of shiny and shimmering whorls, and her gleaming teeth were perfectly spaced. She smiled, and her dimples looked adorable instead of gawky. Even the way she posed and moved looked completely different.

“I feel amazing!” said Twist. “I look totally different now, but I still look like me!”

“I hath corrected thy myopia as well,” Twilight Sparkle said, “but do not discard your spectacles for they maketh thee delightfully counter-culture. Verily, nopony else shall be able to pull it off as thou shalt.”

Twilight bolted away.

Twist hopped in place, energetically. “Can we get my bike out of the basement? I feel like goin’ biking!”

Noteworthy walked across the front foyer of the hospital and went to the front desk.

“Yes sir, may I help you?”

Noteworthy shuffled his left front leg. “I’ve had a sprain in my left shoulder for, like... a week now. It doesn’t really hurt, but I’m a little worried it won’t go away.”

The desk clerk rummaged in her desk drawer and set a checklist on the counter between them. “Have you had any other injuries or illnesses lately?”

“Nah. I was doing some heavy lifting last week when I was cleaning out my gardening shed. That was about it.”

“Hm. It’s probably nothing, but we can take a look just in case. If you’ll just wait over there for a—”

“Verily, princess powers a go-go!”

A vast pillar of pure, golden light cascaded up from the floor under Noteworthy’s hooves, and a choir of sublime voices filled the air with song. He levitated into the air and his eyes opened wide, beams of light pouring forth. He dropped back down to the floor, bright-eyed and blinking.

“When lifting heavy weights, thou must remember to lift with all four of thine knees simultaneously,” Twilight Sparkle said as she pranced through the foyer. “Thou must also visit thine mother more often, for she worries about thee.”

Noteworthy stared up at the towering, magnificent Princess. A moment later, there was a loud rumble: a stampede of healthy patients cast aside crutches and leaped out of wheelchairs as they charged out of the front doors, cheering and smiling. The stampede came to an end, leaving Twilight’s five friends to walk out of the hallway alone.

Twilight looked out the front door with a smile. “Ahh... not bad for our first day as a Princess, wouldn’t thou agree?”

Pinkie Pie’s ears flipped up. “I thought you didn’t want us to call you that?”

“There are worse things to wish to be, are there not?” Twilight walked to the main door. “We desireth the iced cream. Doth anypony else desireth the iced cream?”

Twilight left the building and her five friends chased after her. Pinkie Pie nodded to the desk clerk as she passed. “Sorry about all this.”

The clerk stared straight ahead, too stunned to speak.

“Well I guess my shoulder feels better,” said Noteworthy.

Applejack charged out of the hospital and glanced down each end of Ponyville’s main street. “Where’d she go!? We gotta find ’er!”

“Or what, exactly?” Rainbow Dash said. “She’ll heal all of Ponyville?”

Applejack stared back at her for a moment.

“It was awfully nice of her,” said Fluttershy.

“That’s not the point!” said Applejack.

“Then what is?”

“She’s... it’s... we...” Applejack shook her head. “Aren’t any of y’all worried?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “It is pretty weird, but it’s not like she’s done anything bad.”

A gargantuan shockwave bathed the entire road in golden light, and one of the buildings down the street exploded into tiny bits and pieces.

Applejack pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Hah! What’d I tell ya!?”

“Okay, Okay! Sheesh.”

The five ponies charged down the street and came to Twilight Sparkle: she was standing in front of the exploded building and her horn was shimmering with raw magical power.

Applejack stamped a hoof. “You stop this right now, y’hear!?”

“One moment, dear friend!”

Twilight scrunched her eyes shut and the spell grew in intensity. The countless bits and pieces of the building swirled through the air in a precise hurricane and reassembled themselves into a fully repaired building.

“It is done!” Twilight turned to a nearby family of ponies. “Thy home is restored in full. We took the liberty of waterproofing the roof and applying a fresh coat of paint. Doth it meet thine approval?”

The stallion stared up at the shiny new building. “It’s even better than before!”

“Hey,” the daughter said, “my room has a balcony now!”

“It lacked one before?” said Twilight. “Deepest apologies. Dost thou wish me to remove it?”

“No-no-no, it’s cool! It’s totally cool!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Twilight Sparkle? Might we have a word or two?”

“Mayest we talketh and walketh, simultaneously?” Princess Sparkle strolled to the next building and cast another spell: the structure disintegrated into tiny, individual components and hovered in the air as a cloud, including a few startled but unharmed ponies. “We art a tad busy, after all.”

“Ah think that’s what we need to talk about. What are ya doing to them buildings?”

“Helping,” said Twilight. The building reintegrated, better than new. “Our irresponsible experiment caused collateral damage to the surrounding structures. We have much to repent for and it is only fitting that we should use our powers to assist others.”

Applejack and the others jogged to keep up with her as she refurbished a third building. “Well that’s all fine and dandy, but isn’t there something else you were gonna do first?”

Twilight frowned at her. “What coulds’t be more urgent than repairing broken homes and shattered lives?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Maybe, oh, I dunno... sending the Princess a letter?”

Twilight opened her mouth to speak but looked away sheepishly. “Thou art entirely correct. Celestia must be informed. But what of our writing implements? Our scrolls and quills were lost when the library was destroyed.”

Fluttershy nodded down the street. “I know the stallion who runs the bookstore. He can sell us a spare scroll.”

“My thanks to you,” Twilight said. She turned to the others. “To all of you. Truly.”

The six friends stood in the street for awhile, quiet.

“Hey,” Pinkie Pie said, “Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?”

“Well...” Twilight bit her lower lip.

Pinkie Pie hopped in place. “Just you name it!”

“A picnic?”

Pinkie Pie stared at her for a moment before breaking into a wide smile. “Everypony meet up at the usual spot. We’ll have everything ready before you know it!

Twilight and Fluttershy walked down mainstreet together. A crowd followed behind them, but nopony said anything.

“So,” Fluttershy said, “are you feeling alright?”

“ ’Tis ‘all right’,” said Twilight.

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear it!”

“You misunderstand. ’Tis ‘all right’.”

“But that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

Twilight shook her head. “A moment ago, you said ‘alright.’ It should be two words: ‘all right.’ ”

“Oh. Sorry,” said Fluttershy. “So... are you feeling all right?”

“We are well. Remarkably so, in fact. We hath never felt better.”

“I don’t mean to offend, but why do you keep saying ‘we’ instead of ‘I’?”

Twilight gazed up at the sky as she walked. “We are of two worlds now. Even as we walk beside you, a part of us is immersed in the realm of essence and symbolism. Everypony hath a body and a spirit, but they think of them as inseparable. It is not so: the body is merely dust and breath, and when it is destroyed the spirit lives on. We feel as though something similar has happened to us. Not a death, but a rebirth. We art sorry. It is difficult to describe and we do not fully understand it ourselves.”

“Do you think it’s just a part of being a Princess?”

“Perhaps... and perhaps not. We know one thing for certain, though: being a Princess is more than having wings and a horn. So very much more.”

They went into Ponyville’s only stationary shop together. Twilight Sparkle walked between the grey metal shelves and browsed the neat stacks of office supplies. She took a deep refreshing breath, then exhaled blissfully.

“We do so adore the smell of paper in the morning. It smells like... bureaucracy!”

“We’re just here for a letter, right?”

“Yes, of course.” Twilight went to the front desk and tapped the bell.

“Just a sec, just a sec.” A young stallion stepped out of the back room. “Good morning, miss. How can I help y-ooooooh.”

“Good morning, sir. We require one dozen scrolls, one dozen red ribbon seals, and a scrivener’s tool-kit.”

The stallion stared up at her, jaw slack.

“Sir?”

“Right... right! What can I get you?”

“As we said. One dozen scrolls, one dozen red ribbon seals, and a scrivener’s tool-kit.”

“No problem at all. I’ll be right back!”

The stallion ran off to search through the shelves, and came back with a bag full of goods. “There you go! If there’s anything else I can get for you, anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask!”

“We thank you, but this will suffice.”

“You’re sure? Anything at all, ma’am? Or is it miss?”

“No, this is fine.” Twilight leaned back, looking cornered. “And it is simply miss.”

He nodded, half to himself. “Well, then!”

The stallion turned to the cash register, and Twilight sparkle gasped. “Our change purse! Deepest apologies, but we have no currency. It hath slipped our mind, for we usually requisition supplies from the academy free of charge.”

“No no, that’s alright. You go ahead.”

“Go ahead?” Twilight said, perplexed. “What exactly are we to go ahead with?”

“You can have it. You know: for free.”

“For free?” Twilight said, “we cannot ask thee to give away goods without remuneration. That wouldst be stealing, and thy employer would be most displeased.”

“No no, it’s okay: I’ll pay for it.”

Twilight quirked an eyebrow. “Why wouldst thou pay for my goods? These are for our personal use, and we have no intention of sharing.”

“Well, you can just think of it as a gift.”

“Why? Tis not the anniversary of our date of birth.”

“So? Can’t somepony give somepony else a present now and then?”

“I have some money,” said Fluttershy. “I could buy it for you and you could pay me back later.”

The stallion frowned at her. “There’s no need for that.”

“No, really,” Fluttershy said, and reached for the bag of goods. “It’s fine.”

“No, I insist!”

Fluttershy and the clerk engaged in a brief tug-of-war. He finally yanked the bag free and tumbled backwards with a yelp, spilling the items over himself. A few of the neatly rolled scrolls crumpled beneath him.

“Sorry about that! Sorry!” He scrambled upright and rushed back to the shelves. “I’ll get some replacements for you. Don’t go anywhere: I’ll be right back!”

Twilight Sparkle leaned down and whispered to Fluttershy. “Is there something... wrong with him?”

Fluttershy glanced at the shop’s front window, and at the crowd of stallions outside with their noses pressed against the glass. As soon as she made eye contact, they turned away to check their watches, stretch and yawn, or pretend to talk with each other.

“Not really, no. That’s normal for them.” She pawed at the floor. “Or so I’ve heard.”

Rarity walked up the front steps of Carousel Boutique and unlocked the front door.

What a day. No, scratch that... what a week.

“Hey big sis!”

Rarity paused to look up at the third story balcony and saw Sweetie Belle was waving down at her.

“Morning, Sweetie Belle. What are you doing up there? You know you’re not allowed to play on the balcony without a grownup.”

“I’m not playing,” Sweetie Belle said, “I’m just watching.”

“Watching what, exactly?”

“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me.”

Rarity walked inside, up the stairs, and out onto the balcony.

“Here, check it out.” Sweetie Belle passed her a colorful set of toy binoculars and pointed over the rooftops. “Look over by the carrot stand by the fountain. You know the one.”

Rarity peered through the fuzzy, smudged binoculars and zoomed in on the street in question. Nothing seemed out of place, until she saw a cart that had somehow been driven directly into a ditch.

“There was an accident? It doesn’t look like anypony’s been hurt.”

“There’s more of ’em over there. Follow the road all the way to the greengrocer’s.”

Rarity peered through the binoculars and saw two other upended carts: one in the river, and another stuck halfway off the side of a bridge. She looked further along the road and saw two stallions lying near the side of a road, unconscious: as she watched, a third stallion twisted his head around to look at something and promptly walked face-first into a wrought iron lamp post.

Rarity scanned along the road and saw several other stallions walking blithely into walls and fences or falling into the river. Quite a few had just been slapped—or were in the process of being slapped—by their filly-friends.

Rarity lowered the binoculars. “What in the world?”

“Like I told you,” Sweetie Belle said, “I was hoping you could explain it to me.”

Rarity looked down in horror as a flash mob poured into the courtyard around the boutique. They were all stallions: the ones in front were making a concerted effort to be talkative and cheerful, while those behind were shoving to get ahead. Rarity looked at the very front and saw Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy walking side by side. Neither of them looked particularly happy.

Rarity gave the Binoculars back to her sister. “Sweetie Belle, go to your room.”

“What!? But I didn’t even do anything bad! Well okay, I was on the balcony without a grown up, but still!”

Rarity shepherded her inside. “It’s not a punishment: I just don’t want you to see this. Things might get ugly.”

Rarity took Sweetie Belle to her room then rushed downstairs just as Twilight and Fluttershy stepped in through the front door: Twilight Sparkle had to duck her head down and lower her horn. The crowd of colts and stallions surged in, all talking to Twilight Sparkle at the same time.

Rarity stamped a hoof on the floor. “May I have your attention, please!”

The crowd settled, but only a little.

“I would just like to point out that this is a dressmaker’s shop and not a common department store. Serious customers only, if you please.”

The crowd immediately voiced its collective desire to make a purchase.

“Appreciated,” Rarity said, “but may I point out—again—that this is a dressmaker’s shop. Formal stallion’s suits are special orders that must be arranged in advance. Do any of you intend to purchase a dress or gown of some sort?”

The crowd spoke up again, this time with a lot of vigorous nods.

“I’ll assume, since you all seem to be colts and stallions, that you intend to purchase these dresses for your wives or filly-friends. If so, you will need to bring them in for a fitting or provide me with their measurements.”

The crowd started nodding for just an instant, but immediately thought better of it and began shaking their heads. It was impossible to make out any individual voices, but it sounded like everypony was claiming not to have a wife or filly-friend.

“My, my! So you’re all eligible bachelors, then?” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “Do you intend to wear these dresses yourselves?”

There was a heavy, awkward silence.

“I, uh... I’m here to buy a gown for my moth... sister. My sister.”

“I’m getting a dress for my daughter, actually. I’m a single dad. Single dads are cool, right?”

“What about her?” One of the stallions pointed at Twilight. “Can I buy her a dress?”

Twilight Sparkle glanced about. “Tis’ not really—”

“Yeah, I wanna buy her a dress too! She’d look great in a ballgown!”

“What about an evening gown? Got any of those?”

“Hey, back off! I saw her first!”

The crowd began shouting again. Rarity stamped her hoof and roared at the top of her lungs. “That’s it! Everypony out! Shop’s closed for the day!”

The crowd trickled out of the shop with a chorus of grumbles and Rarity locked the door behind them. She turned around and set a hoof on her brow.

“This has sailed straight past ‘barely tolerable stupidity’ and directly into ‘just plain creepy.’ How long has this been going on?”

“Everypony has been especially courteous to us all day.” Twilight Sparkle glanced out one of the windows, nervously. “When will everypony stop being especially courteous to us?”

Rarity opened her mouth to speak, but stopped when she saw Fluttershy: her head was drooped low and her lower lip trembled. Rarity looked back at the magnificent, breathtaking Twilight.

“Fluttershy. Have you been standing next to Twilight Sparkle all this time? In public?”

She looked away and uttered a strangled squeak.

“Go lie down. I’ll fix you some warm apricot juice.”

Fluttershy uttered another strangled squeak and walked into one of the back rooms. Rarity followed after her and opened the door: Fluttershy was standing all by herself in a pitch black storeroom.

“Not here,” Rarity said, “you can go upstairs and rest in my bedroom.”

“Sorry. I didn’t wanna say anything.”

“Want to,” Twilight Sparkle said from the main room.

“W-w-what?”

“You said ‘wanna.’ ’Tis not a real word. What you meant to say was—”

Rarity cut Twilight off with a glare. She turned and gave Fluttershy a comforting nudge, then led her upstairs to the quiet seclusion of her bedroom. Rarity walked back to the main foyer and glared at Twilight as she descended the stairs.

“Rarity, please, We art so very confused! We visited four shops on the way here and we never once paid for anything. The store clerks refused to even consider it! What is happening to us?”

“How dare you!” Rarity said as she marched in front of her. “Of all the things you’ve done in the past week, this is the foulest... the lowest, most vile betrayal of all! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

Twilight backed up, distraught. “What hath we done? We know not!”

Rarity watched her for a moment, appraising the worry in her expression. She took a deep breath and settled herself.

“Do you know of Diamond Tiara?”

“Yes. Well, we doth not know her know her, but we hath seen her about town. Why?”

“And hast thee—” Rarity shook her head. “Have you ever seen anyone else with her, when she’s walking about?”

“Well, yes. She always walks with... that other filly. The grey one. A friend from school, most likely.”

“What’s her name?”

“Well, we hath not been introduced. We doth not know her name.”

“Nopony remembers her name. She’s forgettable. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that Diamond Tiara—a wealthy, charismatic debutante—is never seen without the dull, grey Silver Spoon?”

Twilight’s eyebrows furrowed. “Well, she’s... free to make friends with whomever she likes. Perhaps she knows that personality and strength of character are more important than mere appearances?”

Rarity quirked an eyebrow. “And you’re saying Diamond Tiara thinks this?”

“It is not completely implausible.” Twilight glanced around. “Is it?”

“Silver Spoon is the ‘What’s-Her-Face’: the plain one. Her role in life is to make Diamond Tiara look better by comparison.”

“That’s horrible! Why doesn’t Silver Spoon know about this?”

“She knows exactly what she’s doing! She helps Diamond Tiara achieve greater status and recognition, and Silver Spoon earns the perks and privileges of riding on her coattails. In fact, Silver Spoon is by far the more influential of the two: she can do and say things that Diamond Tiara cannot be seen doing or saying. She works behind the scenes to ensure their social dominance.”

Twilight stared at her. “Why art thou telling Us this? Why now?”

Rarity gave her a dour look. “Why were you walking down mainstreet with Fluttershy?”

“We were simply—” Twilight’s eyes widened in horror. “Nay, it was nothing like that! I swear, I would never do that to my friends! Not on purpose!”

Rarity watched her face. She said ‘I’. ‘My’.

“You were never especially popular in school, were you?”

“Some, yes. But not especially.”

“Have you ever even gone out on date? With a colt?”

Twilight sparkle pursed her lips, thoughtfully. “Define ‘date’.”

“Have you ever asked a colt friend to go somewhere with you, and either eat or dance with you?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, as a matter of fact. We are not quite so inept as you seem to suspect.”

“And after you asked him, did you actually go on a date?”

Twilight bit her lip and glanced about. “...Define ‘actually’.”

Rarity took her purse from a nearby chair. “That’s it: We’re giving you some charm lessons.”

“But everypony already seems to like us. Suspiciously so, in fact. Surely charm lessons will make things worse!”

“You’re using a weapon you haven’t been properly trained or disciplined with: an extremely potent one, at that. We must teach you how to keep it under control before you cause a riot.”

Rarity took up a sun hat, but paused before putting it on

“I,” she said. “I must teach you how to keep it under control.”

Rarity led Twilight Sparkle out of the shop and down the street to an unoccupied park on the outskirts of town.

“Alright then,” said Rarity. “First, you need to learn how to walk.”

“All right,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Good. The first thing to remember is that—”

“ ’Tis all right,” Twilight Sparkle said, firmly.

Rarity frowned at her. “Yes, yes it is. I’m glad you think so.”

“No. You said ‘alright’ a moment ago. It should be two words: ‘all right.’ ”

Rarity stared at her for a moment.

“I wasn’t writing it. I was saying it.”

“We know, but you pronounced it as if it were one word. It is not.”

Rarity opened up her saddlebag and took out a paperback book. “Here. You’ll need to read this cover to cover.”

“Stud Tzu’s ‘The Art of Conversation?” Twilight set the book on the ground and flipped through the pages manually. “There is a chapter entitled ‘How and When to Nod and Smile’.”

“That’s definitely required reading,” said Rarity. “Charm is defined far more by what you don’t say then what you do.”

“Than.”

“...Pardon?”

“Thou said ‘then,’ which denotes a passage of time or a sequence of events. You mean ‘than,’ which is intended for comparative statements.”

Rarity glowered at her. “Could you read chapter two for me, just quick? There’s a dear.”

Twilight Sparkle began flipping through the pages at a voracious rate, eyes flitting back and forth. “As you wish, but you should say ‘would’ rather than ‘could,’ and quick-ly instead of...” Twilight trailed off as her eyes caught on a particular section of the page.

“Oh.”

“Mm-hm,” said Rarity. “Shall we continue, then?”

“Yes, of course. We await your instruction.”

“As I was saying. Charm is defined far more by what you don’t say then what you do.”

Twilight nodded and smiled.

“Very good. It takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?” said Rarity. “But I digress!”

“You shouldn’t start a sentence with...” Twilight cut herself and gave Rarity another nod and smile.

“Excellent! Now read the rest of that book, and then we’ll practice walking.”

“Again? We have already read it.”

“The entire thing? Cover to cover? And it only took you a minute?”

“It required only thirty seven seconds of Our time.”

“My word,” said Rarity. “I think we ought to fetch a few more books for you before we start on the practical side of things.”

Pinkie Pie hummed to herself as she hopped down the street. She paused as she saw a brief flash of purple plumage, and went to the window of a used bookstore. Twilight Sparkle was sitting by the front desk with a heap of books beside her.

Hey, wow! She must be happy to be surrounded by books again.

She opened the door and stepped inside. “Hiya Twi! Read any good books lately?”

Twilight Sparkle looked up at her and laughed. “T’was a good one, Pinkie Pie. Most witty!”

“Aw, thanks! It just sorta came out. So, what’cha up to?”

“Reading, as you say. Rarity is assembling a reading list for us to study.”

Pinkie Pie watched as Twilight set a book on the counter and paid for it. She flipped through the pages in a matter of seconds and set it aside.

“That was it?” Pinkie Pie said, “was it one of those flip-books where the little cartoons move around and do stuff?”

“Nay. Our capacity for reading seems to have improved geometrically.” She paid for another book and flipped through it, finishing it before she’d even finished her sentence. “Our comprehension is also vastly improved.”

“Whuzzat mean?”

“Learning. We need only read a book once to gain a full and complete mastery of its subject matter. Most peculiar.”

“Wow, that’s pretty cool!” said Pinkie Pie. “But if anypony could find a new way to learn from books, I bet it’d be you!”

“We suppose so,” Twilight said with a nod and a smile.

“I wonder what else you could learn from books? Like, if you read a book about how to fly really well, I bet you’d be able to use your new wings properly! Rainbow Dash was talking about giving you flying lessons sometime, but she wanted to give you some time relax.”

“Mm-hm,” Twilight said, with a nod and a smile.

“But what if you could just read a book, and then whammo! You could know how to fly really well and do loop-de-loops and fancy tricks and everything! And then Rainbow Dash would finally have someone to practice with, too! Nopony else is fast enough to keep up with her, but if you could fly half as well as you read, I bet you’d give ’er a real challenge for once!”

Twilight said nothing, and simply smiled and nodded.

“She’s always talking about how important it is to practice, practice practice, but she doesn’t really put a lot of effort into it unless she has a challenge. I still remember the first time she won Ponyville’s local flying competition: she was strutting around and bragging like no-pony’s business, but then she got real sad because nopony else would even try to race her because they knew they were out of her league. She had nopony to race against, and poof! Goodbye motivation.”

Rarity walked over to the desk just in time to see Twilight Sparkle nod and smile. She poked Twilight in the side, and she squeaked with surprise.

“What was the meaning of that?” said Twilight.

Rarity set a stack of books on the counter. “I’ve found almost every book on the list. This should get you at least halfway there.”

“We thank thee, Rarity.” Twilight turned back to Pinkie Pie. “We must return to our lessons now. It has been a pleasure as always.”

“And you’ve been a really good listener, too! Good luck with your lessons!”

Twilight watched as Pinkie Pie bounced towards the door.

“Rarity? Why dids’t thou poketh us?”

“You’re not ready to practice on her yet. When it comes to conversation, she’s a veritable virtuoso.”

“Practice? But we were merely—”

“Have you completed your training and achieved mastery yet?”

“Well, no.”

“Then it’s still practice.”

Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “We do not like the idea of conversation as competition.”

“To most ponies it’s nothing of the sort, and you’ll very rarely need to treat it as such... but when it does become necessary, it’s best to be prepared.” She paid for the books and set them in a bag. “Now then... time for a practical lesson.”

Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood on the grassy hill of one of Ponyville’s more secluded gardens. A small group of other ponies, all complete strangers, waited a few yards away. Rarity shuffled through  saddlebag of books and tools one last time

“Let us move on the next stage of your training.” She walked to the nearby group of ponies and came back with an elderly mare, posing her in front of Twilight Sparkle. She had a grey bee-hive mane and was wearing pearl-studded glasses.

“Allow me to introduce you... to High & Mighty.”

Twilight Sparkle lifted up a hoof. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

High & Mighty ignored Twilight’s hoof, and instead casually examined her own. “Oh, believe me, I know it is.”

Twilight Sparkle bit her lip. “Rarity? What, exactly, will this lesson involve?”

“High & Mighty runs the local knitting club. She loves lace doilies. She absolutely despises colts, stallions, foals, and unmarried mares. Also married mares.” Rarity’s gaze darkened. “And she would simply love to tell you about her cats.”

“Oh...” said Twilight. “...My. Is there anypony she does not despise?”

“Widows and divorcees.”

“I happen to be both,” High & Mighty said, “though not from the same marriage. Someday, though... someday.”

Twilight Sparkle stared at High & Mighty. A drop of sweat beaded on her brow.

“Your assignment,” said Rarity, “is to hold a conversation with High & Mighty for at least five minutes. No ignoring her. No time-outs. No changing the topic. And no physical violence.”

High & Mighty looked up at Twilight. “Are you married, deary?”

“No. We are not.”

“Why? What’s wrong with you?” High & Mighty lowered her pearl glasses slightly. “Apart from the obvious, that is.”

“I’m not sure what you mean, High and Mighty.”

“Ampersand!” she said. “It’s spelled with an ampersand!”

Twilight flinched back. “It’s pronounced the same way!”

“Yes, I know. I just wanted to make sure you knew, deary. Mares with sloping foreheads like yours tend to be very illiterate. Do you know anything about phrenology? Fascinating subject, isn’t it?”

Twilight swallowed. “Why... yes. ’Tis... very fascinating.” Twilight mustered every ounce of strength she had left, and smiled and nodded.

“I can’t watch this,” said Pinkie Pie. “Let me know when it’s over.”

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