Alright guys, time for round 2!

If you’ve been keeping up on my masochistic bets with Fallen Prime, you’ll know that I have four fanfics that he gave me to riff. And it’s time for the second one!

Today’s fic is called Potato ex Machina. Apparently Regidar was the inspiration for this...so I’m already afraid. Seems rather harmless, right?

That is until you look at the rating and see that it’s Mature for gore. Lucky me.

Everyone, here’s Potato ex Machina...

        twow: I really believe that this is going to change life as we know it.

        Derpy: GUN THAT SHOOTS MUFFINS.

twow: I don’t know if Fallen’s gonna like the fact I remade his sniper so that it shoots nothing but them...

Derpy: But the muffins cook themselves, remember? You could point it at yourself and get a faceful of YUM!

        twow: Derpy, do you realize how much force a sniper exerts?

        Derpy: Enough to propel the muffin into your mouth?

        twow: Enough to blow your head off.

Derpy: If Twilight can survive me dropping a piano on her, I think I can withstand the muffin!

        twow: I swear...

        Pinkie (from TV): That’s a great idea T! Next time, do it with a rake!

        twow: What.

        Pinkie: Just kidding! Hey, I have someone that wants to say hi!

        twow: Everytime you say that...

        Derpy: Who is it?

Fallen Prime: (from TV) Who indeed.

twow: Oh FUCK ME.

Fallen: Not in front of the mares!

Derpy: Hai Fallen!

Fallen: Hey, Derpy. Gotta say, you’re... you’re coping well.

Derpy: Muffins and ice cream Fallen. Muffins and ice cream.

twow: Pinkie, why is he in there? Again?

Pinkie: Do you remember what Primey said at the end of the last riff we gave you?

Derpy: Something about him having more or something like that?

Fallen: Congratulations. You may now pass Go and collect 200 dollars.

Derpy: Our currency is in bits.

twow: (facepalm) Derpy, I swear...

Fallen: At any rate, she’s right. This is in accordance with my agreement with Pinkie. I’ve got some more shit for you, though I PROMISE it’s not another “FlutterLove.”

twow: Then what IS it?

Fallen: Some trollfic I found randomly when I was bored. I just decided “fuck it” and threw it at Pinkie for you guys to riff because I’ll be damned if I have anything better to do.

twow: At least we know what’s coming up then. But aren’t we missing a pony?

Fallen: ...apparently you are. Pinkie, what gives?

Pinkie: All my friends were busy and I couldn’t trick them into going to Derpy’s.

Derpy: So, we can leave then?

Fallen: Oh, HELL no. You stay there until this shit gets sorted out.

twow: Ugh. Well, who’s in the story?

Pinkie: Oh! Oh! Primey, remember that watch I gave you?

twow: Is THAT where my TARDIS watch is? Damn it Pinkie!

Fallen: Hey, I TOLD you you weren’t keeping any TARDIS prototypes you brought in my armory!

twow: Motherfucker...I’ll be getting that from you later.

Derpy: Can’t you bring somepony in here? You do have his watch.

Fallen: I plan to. And given what I know of the story ahead, there’s really only one mare for the job.

(twow and Derpy glance at each other.)

twow: Who?

Fallen: You remember working with Lyra, right? She’s the only pony I know of who’s actually in the story, so I guess I might as well. If I can just... get this goddamn thing to function like a normal machine, I can-

twow: This is why you don’t TAKE MY SHIT.

Fallen: Not my fault you didn’t take it back with you. How does this even-

(Suddenly, Lyra Heartstrings appears in the lab.)

Fallen: ...well, that settles that.

Lyra: Whoa! What...(stops as she notices both humans, a wide grin appearing on her face.)

Derpy: Oh boy...

twow: Fallen, what’s about to happen?

Fallen: If I know Lyra, probably a minor fangasm.

twow: Oh joy.

Lyra: There’s...two humans, but one’s in Equestria. I....

Derpy: Lyra? Are you okay?

Lyra: Of course. I’m just wondering why YOU DIDN’T TELL ME A HUMAN LIVES WITH US.

twow: Probably because of that reaction.

Fallen: Lyra, you remember twow, right?

Lyra: Yes, but he lives here?! When did that happen?! WHEN?!

Derpy: He came back with me after I got lost.

twow: Well, Lyra, feel like riffing with us?

Derpy: Wait, couldn’t we just...

(The lab doors shut and lock)

Pinkie: Almost forgot!

Derpy: Never mind!

Lyra: Only if I get to ask you questions after! Lots and lots of questions!

twow: I hate you Fallen.

Fallen: Don’t be surprised if she tries to ask the thing about the sheathless penis. She tried it on me too. Get out there and riff, you crazy kids.

(Buzzer sounds.)

All: We’ve got story sign!

Potato ex Machina by Alamais

        twow: It’s like a Deus Ex.

        Derpy: With...a potato.

        Lyra: Logical!

        Steven Stu yawned, and checked his privilege.

        Derpy: How do you check that?

        Lyra: What IS that?

        twow: He checked what he was allowed to do?

  Doin' fiiine, he thought to himself.  The elevator door opened, and he slouched out into the lobby of his apartment building.

        twow: How the FUCK do you slouch into a lobby?!

        Lyra: Apparently humans can do that.

 He waved to the doorman, "Hey Bill," and walked outside, his breath catching in the cold, wintry Chicago air.  Another lovely day in hell.

        Derpy: I love the cold!

        twow: So you enjoy hell?

 Why did I move here again?  Oh right, bribe-happy politicians and lax child labor law enforcement.  He began to whistle softly.

        twow: “Pop goes the weasel...”

        Derpy: Just gonna ignore all that? Okay.

        He turned left, and made his way down sidewalk, to the next intersection.  He avoided the ominous puddle near the crosswalk, and was pleased as the universe bowed before him, the light changing just as he arrived.

        Lyra: This guy has the powers of Princess Luna.

        twow: And the only thing he did was change the light? Weak.

  He stepped into the street, and was halfway across when he heard a screeching noise.  He turned to it just in time to see a medium-sized delivery truck spinning out of control towards him.  Oh shit.

        twow: I swear, if this turns out to be like “My Second Life...”

        While he could not move quickly enough to avoid it, time slowed enough for him to register the words "de Lancie's Produce" on the side of the truck.

        Derpy: Wait, that was a pony pun.

        twow: Yeah.

        Derpy: But the beginning of the story said that he was in Chicago.

        twow: It did.

        Lyra: That’s a Earth city, right?

twow: Either he mixed Earth and Equestria together, or something got messed up in translation.

  He squinted his eyes as the truck spun entirely around on some black ice, and then...stopped.  It was about ten inches away from him.

        twow: How did it just STOP SHORT ON ICE.

        Derpy: I...don’t know?

  He sighed, and got ready to run around and scream at the driver, when he heard a CRACK, and the doors of the truck swung open, the left one giving Steve's temple a firm love tap along the way.

        Lyra: Ouch. He’s gonna be fine, right?

        twow: Lyra, the temple is a weak spot. I’ll be surprised if he didn’t die from that.

        Stunned, he barely felt himself fall to the ground, face down.  Bwuhhh...

        Derpy; Hey! Use better language!

        Lyra: Wait, you UNDERSTOOD that?

        Derpy: Of course!

        twow: Lyra, PLEASE don’t question it.

 Then he barely noticed numerous fast, small, repetitive thwacks to his back.  He did vaguely recognize that the world was going away, his direct vision blocked out by numerous small, oblong brown objects.

twow: That’s a lot of dicks.

Derpy: TWOW!

Lyra: Oh, that reminds me.

Derpy: MOVING ON.        

  Everything slowly faded to black.

        twow: As opposed to turning to white?

        Lyra: Or rainbow?

        Derpy: Or muffin?

        ***

        Steve woke slowly, pain shooting through his head.  Jesus Christ, I feel like I got hit by a...hmm.

        Derpy: Aw, those really hurt.

        twow: What, a hmm?

        Derpy: Yeah.

        twow: What the fuck is a hmm?!

        Lyra: You don’t wanna know.

        twow: You two hate me, don’t you?

 He managed to drag himself into a sitting position.  Why the fuck hasn't anyone helped me?  He looked around, and realized he wasn't in the street.

        Lyra: Someone helped you.

        twow: Something’s lacking...Oh! There’s a strange absence of quotation marks!

        Two walls were parallel to either side, about two meters apart, with a dirt path between.  What the hell?  I get hit by a truck and someone throws me into an alleyway?

        twow: He has a point. That makes no sense.

        Lyra: Humans are always in a hurry. Maybe they didn’t notice?

        twow: The guy driving the truck SHOULD have noticed.

  He crawled over and leaned against one of the walls, trying to clear his head.  I knew the city was bad, but shit.

        Derpy: It’s pretty bad when you get slammed by a truck and tossed aside.

  Bracing a hand against the wall, he managed to get himself standing, and stumbled towards the end of the alley.

Lyra: How did nothing get broken?

twow: We humans are resistant?

        He was about halfway there, when he heard someone approaching.  He paused to see who it was, and two...horses?! meandered by, chatting with each other.

        twow: We didn’t want that capital letter there anyway.

  What.  He very slowly made his way closer to the end of his shelter, staying in the shade, and saw more horses.  No, they're too small.  Ponies.

        Derpy: How do you confuse us for horses?

        twow: Surprisingly, not a lot of effort is needed.

  The thought ground around in his head for a moment.  Talking...ponies.  He glared around a bit more.  Talking...pastel...ponies.  A set of trollish neurons in his brain finally fired off, and he remembered.  No.  Fuck no.

        Lyra: YES.

        twow: I reallllly don’t wanna sit next to her anymore.

        Stumbling backwards, he returned to the peace of his alley.  What the hell.  He tried to rationalize it, come up with something else, but the pounding in his head and pain throughout his body made him give up.  I must be dead.  And the afterlife is fucking My Little Pony? Shitfuckcockballs...

        Lyra: What’s so bad about our world?

        twow: The limits of some people.

        Derpy: This guy and his mouth I swear...

        He turned away, dragging himself the other way down the alley.  I can't handle that shit.

        twow: “Beings that might be able to help me? Yeah, FUCK that.”

        Lyra: “No wait! I have hugs!”

 He emerged into a small courtyard adjacent to a tiny wooded area.  It looked like the edge of town, as he could see empty fields and an apple orchard in the distance.  I should buy some apples, he thought woozily, but then he collapsed, the pain overtaking him.  Feels like I'm going to implode!

        Derpy: He’s in a bunch of pain, but thinks of buying apples.

        twow: When I’m in pain, I think about chocolate chips.

        He looked down at his hands, and noticed a silvery glow clinging to them.  What the fuck is potato to me?  Despite the pain, he blinked at his own thoughts.  Why did I just potato potato?

twow: “I heard you like potatoes, so I potatoed your potato so that you can use the potato.”

        Derpy: That’s quite a bit of potatoes.

        Lyra: You both are insane.

 He felt panic start to grip him, but then a new surge of pain came over his body, and rational thought was exterminated.

        twow: Exterminate! EXTERMINATE!        

        Lyra: “All none potatoes will be exterminated!

        An observer would have heard his joints popping, his bones breaking, his organs collapsing, as his pathetic human form collapsed ever smaller.  Eventually even his skull caved in with a sickening pop, his pale skin flowing together, then turning a medium brown.

        Lyra: Oh what?!

        Derpy: Ewwww!

        twow: I will NEVER get hit by a car now.

  His eyes shadowed over, becoming tiny puckers on the otherwise smoothly curved surface.  When it was finished, a large russet potato lay on the ground.

        twow: Screw farming. Just hit people with cars!

        Derpy: Wonder if it pays well.

        Through some trick of magic, a shred of consciousness remained, clinging to the cells of the starchy tuber.  Potato?  Potato potato potato.  Potatooooo.

        Lyra: I’d rather die if that’s all I was able to think.

        Derpy: He’s just able to say what he is.

        twow: Over and over...

        Not having much of a sense of time left, the spud was content to sit for however long it was sitting, before it noticed--with some strange residual potatosense--a pony passing by.  Potato?  Pretty green.  Potaaatooooo.

        Derpy: Yeah, I would have chosen death.

        twow: This story is rated Mature. Now I’m afraid.

        ***

        twow: Scene break!

        Lyra was taking a shortcut to get to the market, where she hoped to find Sweetie Drops and wheedle a lunch out of her.

        Lyra: I DO have a job...

        twow: On Earth? Pray tell, what is it?

        Lyra: I study humans!

        twow: (facepalm)

  So hungry.  She was out of bits, and wouldn't get paid until Time Turner made good and coughed up the vig on that loan for the race bet last week.  Such a lowlife.

        Derpy: Hey! The Doctor always makes good on his debts!

        twow: If he’s not busy running.

  One more day and me and Mr. Truncheon go have a talk with our friendly neighborhood clockmaker.  She was almost to the market, passing through the small courtyard behind the candle shop, when she noticed...a potato?

        twow: Oh boy.

        Derpy: Yes. That is a potato.

        Lyra: Sounds good.

        twow: OH BOY.

        It was lying on the ground near the middle of the yard.  A single, large, lovely-looking potato.  She felt drawn to it, as if under a compulsion.  As she walked up to it, she glanced around, warily.  What the hell is this?

        Lyra:....it’s a potato.

        Derpy: Phew, thanks for clarifying that. I thought it was a carrot.

        twow: (facepalm 2x combo)

  Seeing nobody nearby, she bent her head down and sniffed it.  Oh...how can a raw potato smell so good?

        twow: Please Lyra. YOU tell ME.

        Lyra: Um, I really don’t know.

        Derpy: Dunk it in blueberry jam!

        twow and Lyra: ...

        Derpy: You HAVEN’T tried that?!

  She guiltily looked around again, then gave it a quick lick.  It tasted better than it smelled.

        Lyra: Still trying to get past the part of a RAW potato having smell.

        twow: Good luck.

        No longer caring, she grabbed the terrific tuber off the ground, and cradled it in her foreleg.  She noted a nearby, secluded park bench, and hurried over to it, taking a seat.  Finally, all self-control gone, she took the end of it into her mouth.

        twow: Only Lyra can make the eating of a potato kinky.

        Derpy: Alright. Now I’m NOT making mashed potatoes for dinner.

  She swirled her tongue around it, sucking lightly on the dark, rough skin.  How?!  How is it so good?!

        Lyra: This is making me not want to eat potatoes ever again.

  She bit into it, carving off a small chunk, and shuddered slightly as succulent potato juice dribbled into her mouth and down her chin.  Her mind was a torrent of confused pleasure, but a single thought rang through her consciousness, almost as if called out by another: PoooootaaaaatooooOOOOOooooo!!!

        Derpy: “We need a medic here! It seems like a case of....Potato.”

        twow: “No! Not Potato!”

        Derpy: “Potato.”

  She paid no heed as she gnawed on the potato with the side of her mouth, slowly grinding off small pieces, eventually leaving it looking like a potato shiv.

        Lyra: What’s a shiv?

        Derpy: It’s like a mini human knife.

        twow: Lyra’s gonna stab some bitches up in here.

        She pulled back slightly, breathing heavily, and slowly sank down on the bench.  She then dove back in, licking the exposed, dripping potato flesh, savoring the starchy fluids.  Finally she bit the remainder in half, and let out a small moan as she chewed it into a paste, and gulped it down.

        Lyra: Half the time I can’t figure out if I’m having sex, or if I’m eating a potato.

        twow: If that’s ever a person’s concern, you need to rethink your life.

  Panting rapidly, she held herself back for one more moment, and then, with a cry, consumed the last piece of her wondrous pomme de terre.  She quivered in ecstasy as the final drops of juice met her tongue, as the final shreds of raw, creamy flesh were crushed, and then fled down her gullet.

        Derpy: Wait a second! That human was the potato!

        twow: Yeah....

        Lyra: I JUST ATE A HUMAN?!

        She lay there, shivering, for several minutes.  Eventually, her eyes popped open, and she glanced around, relieved to see that her ecstatic noises had not attracted any audience.

        Lyra: Because eating turns me on. Okay.

        twow: “Today it was a potato, tomorrow I’m taking on that piece of celery!”

  She sat up, and quickly licked her face and hooves clean of the last drops of potato blood, a chill going up her spine at the taste.

        Derpy: The potato was BLEEDING?!

        twow: I think it was just the juice, unless it was bleeding and I am sad now.

        Finally, she stood up, feeling slightly wobbly, and with one last glance around the area, she continued on her way towards the market.  She couldn't wait to see Sweetie Drops--she didn't need lunch anymore, but boy did she have a story to tell!

        Lyra: “You should try this. They call them...potatoes.”

        The.  Friggin.  End.

        Derpy: Wait...really? That’s it?

        twow: Yes. TIME TO GO.

        Fallen: (from TV) There. Was that so hard?

        twow: Surprisingly, no it wasn’t.

        Derpy: It was weird, but it wasn’t BAD.

        Lyra: I had sexual gratification by eating a potato.

        twow: Well, when you put it like THAT...

Fallen: That was me going easy on you, just so you know. The next two I have for you won’t be as pleasant. In fact, you REALLY don’t want the longer one, twow.

twow: Great. I needed nightmare fuel.

Derpy: Two? Why is Pinkie letting you take control for these riffs?

Pinkie: (from TV) Because he asked nicely!

twow: Fallen? Please.

Fallen: Wasn’t easy, I’ll give you that.

twow: Only time he asks nicely is when it includes MY pain. That’s cool...

Fallen: What, I can’t do it for the sake of tormenting anyone else?

Lyra: I won’t be here, but what do these other riffs entail?

Fallen: Oh, I don’t think I want to give it all away. I will say, though, that one’s a really weird genderbending fic... and the other’s a clopfic that’ll REALLY make twow’s blood boil.

twow: Just as long as it isn’t human. I can deal with it.

Fallen: Well, you’re right about it not being humanized... but I’m going to hold you to that statement. And you might not be glad that I am.

twow: Wonderful.

Lyra: Speaking of clopfics twow and Fallen, what IS the deal with humans having a sheathless penis?

Fallen: And this is where I bail. You guys deal with her. (leaves)

twow: Okay. Pinkie, open the door NOW.

Pinkie: (from TV) You bet! And get ready for next time twow!

twow: I am not going to be prepared.

(Pinkie pushes the button and the TV turns off with a blip.)