mrhappyface is a troubled soul. This story proves that.

One of my friends gave me this story Big Mac masturbates with razor blades to read a little while back. I thought that it was a joke so I put the story in my queue. After getting home from the library today, Winter Storm asked to do a quick riff with me. I pulled this one out.

And let me say this one now. I haven’t read it, but I’m sure that the title isn’t lying.

Here’s Big Mac mastubates with razor blades.

        twow: This is one of my best ideas yet.

        Derpy: Let me get this one straight. That phone controls the weather?!

        twow: Only over a specific area. I’m planning to help Rainbow with her duties.

        Derpy: That’s...kind of you.

        twow: I try. Next will be a phone that controls the kitchen.

        Pinkie: (from TV) That’d be great at Sugarcube Corner!

        twow: I’m sure. Maybe the Cakes would pay for it.

        Derpy: What’s up Pinkie?

        Pinkie: You two got company!

        (The lab doors open to reveal Winter Storm and Applejack)

        Winter Storm: So, this is where the free pie is?

        Applejack: Ah dunno, Ah jus’ got a letter from Pinkie tellin’ me tha-

        (The lab doors shut and lock)

        twow: Well, that wasn’t a surprise.

        Winter: Oh hell... Sorry, AJ.

        AJ: This is one of those “riffs” again, ain’t it?

        Derpy: Did you expect anything else when Pinkie locks us in here?

        Winter: … I’m not gonna answer that one...

twow: As great as it is to see you Winter, I wish it was under different circumstances. What is it this time Pinkie?

Pinkie: Well, I got this one from one of your friends. I wouldn’t give it to you at first, but he insisted. It’s called “Big Mac masturbates with razor blades.”        

Winter: What a pal, twow. Great friend, there.

twow: WUT.

AJ: Ah... no words. Pinkie, get me mah rope, and several gallons of bleach. We’re goin’ on a human hunt.

Derpy: Something tells me that would be a bad idea.

twow: Yeah. Two technicolor ponies tying up humans. Hell of a day.

        Winter: Sounds like spring break last year. Except it lasted a week.

        twow: I don’t wanna know what you do for Christmas...

        *BUZZ*

        All: We’ve got story sign!

                Big Mac was just finishing up his daily routine

Winter: Of crunches, drinking Muscle Milk, and watching football.

twow: All part of a complete breakfast.

 when he heard Applejack yell “Big Mac! I and Granny Smith are takin' Apple Bloom out for some Ice cream!"

        Derpy: Ya know, Ice cream is much better than ice cream.

        twow: It’s colder.

        Winter: ~You’re as cold as ice!~

 We'll be back in a bit! Big Mac just nodded and yelled "Eyup!" and walked inside. Big Mac watched as his family trotted down the road, His face slowly contorting into a smile.

twow: Ouch.

Winter: Contorting too quickly would be more painful.

 As soon as they were out of sight he walked over to the heating vent in the living room and lifted up the cover. He smiled sickly as he reached in and pulled out a small, tin box. His "Happy" box.

        Winter: Only to be used during “Happy Time”. You’ll go blind otherwise.

        Derpy: Does that time include eating muffins?

        AJ: Ah don’t think so...

        He took the box back to his room and sat down on the bed, and began stroking the length of his dick.

        Winter: Well, that escalated quickly.

        twow: In more ways than one, if ya know what I mean. (smacked by Applejack)

        AJ: Ah’d rather not.

He spat onto his hoof and started to rub even harder, relishing in the pleasure. He watched with joy as his large dick slowly rose to attention and became fully erect.

twow: Standing tall like the Statue of Liberty.

Winter: It wants to be the best it can be.

 As soon as his dick was so hard it hurt and pulsated,

Derpy: You might wanna get that checked.

AJ: Or removed.

twow: Damn AJ.

AJ: Believe me. If mah brother did anything even remotely similar to this here, Ah’d do worse than that.

 Big Mac reached into his happy box and pulled out a shiny, metal, razorblade. He started to sweat with anticipation as the blade approached his throbbing, red, vainly dick and he gently rested it on the underside of his tip.

        Winter: Naptime!

        Derpy: I’ll get the pillows!

        He moaned in pleasure as he pushed the razorblade ever so lightly into his cock's skin, and began to drag it down to his dick's base.

        Winter: Your base is under attack!

        AJ: (Glares at Winter, makes a noose)

        twow: No hanging allowed in here. Take it outside.

        Winter: How about lynching?

        twow: OUT. SIDE.

"Yee! Doggie!" Big Mac yelled as he sliced into his long member, as soon as he reached the base he pulled the razor out, making a sickening sound,

        Winter: What? Like an AAAUUUGGGHHHH??

        AJ: Maybe more of an OOOOOUUUUGGHHH. It’s th’ back of th’ throat. Hard t’ do.

        twow: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Winter: Ehh, not quite twow. I give that one a 6 for effort.        

 and placed it upon his dick's head once more. He closed his eyes, to enjoy his sick fantasies.

        Derpy: Well, you got that right.

        Winter: Yea, who does this with their eyes open? (bucked in the face by AJ) MEDIC!

 He yelled "Oh Apple Bloom! Apple Bloom!" as he sliced into his dick, pretending it was of his baby sister's doing.

        twow: So he wants Apple Bloom to do that to him.

        Derpy: She’s practicing for her sculpting cutie mark.

        AJ: Derpy, if you weren’t mah good friend...

        Winter: So, she doesn’t get hit for that?

        twow: I know I wouldn’t have gotten away with that.

        Winter: The one time I’d actually LIKE to be friendzoned...

 He brought the razor back up to his tip and noticed that blood had begun to seep out of the wounds. He pulled a cup out of his happy box. He then placed the cup underneath of his bleeding dick to catch the blood, and the put the razor back onto the tip of his cock.

        twow: “Better donate this...”

        Derpy: “FOR SCIENCE!”

        Winter: We need to remove his DNA from the gene pool.

        As he sliced into his rough love stick he closed his eyes and pretended it was Apple Bloom's classmate, Pip. "Oh Pip! Oh Pip! Slice your big daddy's cock! Oh! Just like that, oh yes! Lap up the blood big boy!"

        All: WHOA THERE!!!

        Winter: … and that just got 20% creepier. By a factor of 10.

        twow: STILL not high enough.

        Winter: let me check my Calculus book, there’s gotta be something...

 Big Mac yelled. In his daydream Pip yelled back at him "Yes Daddy! I want that massive cock of yours! Oh Daddy! Your blood tastes like a delectable maple syrup!"

        Derpy: Goes great with waffles.

Winter: Gotta give Pip credit for his vocabulary. Never heard a kid use “delectable”.

AJ: Ah bet you’ve never heard it used in that context, either.

Winter: …

AJ: Winter, there’s something wrong with you, sugarcube.

        Big Mac opened his eyes and was excited to view his favorite sight ever.

        Winter: A new 4chan post?

        twow: Egh.

His now bleeding and bloody cock started throbbing, then blood started to squirt out of the cuts and dick hole, then a milky fluid mixed with the blood and started to pour out of the tip and one or two of the gashes.

        twow: Is..is he jizzing out of the cuts?!

        Winter: So it would seem. Still not the creepiest thing I’ve read.

twow: How does that WORK?!

Winter: >magic (light smack from AJ)

AJ: Ah told you about that, Winter. That there’s a no-no.

After the blood flow returned to normal

Winter: It came out in decaliters, instead of liters.

he took the razorblade vertical, closed his eyes and started to make rapid, small slashes along his dick.

Derpy: It’s starting to look like a jigsaw puzzle.

twow; For ages 18 and up.

Winter: More like ages 18 and fucked up.

 He started to imagine that Pumpkin Cake used her infant magic to levitate the razor and used it to slice his dick. "Oh Pumpkin! Ohhhh Yeah! Your Daddy taught you well you little bitch! Ohhh Yeah!"

twow: Talk about your Pumpkin Pie. (smacked by both mares)

Winter: You totally deserved that one, dude. You forgot the shades!

        He opened his eyes just in time to witness another orgasm! He watched, incredibly aroused as blood and semen sputtered out of his cock and into the cup one more.

        twow: How is he still hard?!

        Derpy: How does he still have a penis?

        Winter: No, AJ cut it off, remember?

        twow: At this rate, he’s going to do that himself.

        AJ: he’ll be doin’ th’ family ah favor at this point.

 After that he realized that his time was almost half way up, so he put the razor back for some different fun. Out of his Box o' happy he pulled out a small box of pin needles.

        twow: I would have used pine cones.

        Winter: Time for crocheting class!

He undid the cap and took them out, one by one, and started stabbing them into his dick like it was a big, meaty pin cushion. He closed his eyes and started to imagine that Spike was the one who was sticking his dick with the thorny pins.

        Winter: Twilight Sparkle does not approve.

        Big Mac moaned in ecstasy as his day dream got even steamier. "Oh Spike! Ohhhh Spike! Give it to me! Mother fucking give it to me!" he yelled. Imaginary spike yelled "Oh Daddy-o, I want to taste your semen! Oh your blood is fantastic!"

        Winter: You have broken Twilight Sparkle.

        Derpy: ...I can’t.

 Big Mac started to feel the pleasure fading away, so he reached into his happy box and pulled out a vile of a creamy concoction.

        twow: It was a milkshake.

        Derpy: Extra vanilla.

        Winter: Banana Cream Filling, from Celestia’s own desert!

        The bottle was filled with a mixture of semen, extra salt, vinegar, urine, and a chicken's egg.

        All: …

        Winter: The Elixir of Life is finally discovered!

He smiled as he unscrewed the bottle and started to pour the mixture on to his needle filled dick.

        twow: Ya know what? I don’t got a joke for this one.

        Winter: Let me try... Nope. All I’ve got is this:

        Derpy: Go home Winter, you are not sober.

        Pinkie: (from TV) Looks like I need some more make up!

        twow: (facepalm)

After his dick was thoroughly covered, he started to pull the pins out, allowing the putrid serum to seep in to the holes, burning immensely, Big Mac was in so much pleasure that he started to yell. "OH FUCK YEAH! MUTHER FUCKING YEAH! OH, IT'S SO FUCKING WONDERFUL!"

        Derpy: And among all that, he didn’t pass out from the pain.

        AJ: It’s so bucking wrong.

Winter: Can’t argue with that. Why would he let that stuff spoil? Why not keep it in the fridge?

        twow: Language AJ!

        Winter: Hey, I think she gets a free pass today.

 Soon he had pulled all of the needles out, and began to stimulate his still erect dick whilst using the revolting cocktail as lubricants.

        Winter: At least he’s efficient.

        twow: And persistent.

        Derpy: And consistent.

        He moaned as the pain and pleasure mixed perfectly, he was in heaven. He closed his eyes and began to think about his granny's tight ass. He imagined Granny Smith sucking him off while she rubbed her elderly, sagging pussy in his face.

        Winter: Can I just say eww?

        AJ: (quivering with rage)

        Winter: Hey Applejack, how come you look like the mare version of Big Mac right now?

        twow: Now is a bad time Winter...

Winter: You’re right. Time to Forrest Gump this shit! (runs off, straight into closed door)

 "Yee - Haw! Granny! Your pussy sure is tight!" Big Mac yelled after getting lost in his fantasy.

        Derpy: (vomits)

        twow: I can’t blame you Derpy.

Winter: From a biological aspect, this is incorrect. If she’s a grandmother, then she’d have had kids. If she had kids, then her-

        AJ: Don’t. Finish. That. Thought.

"Dag - nab bit you little rascal! I think I’m gonna squirt my pussy fluids all over yer face!" Big Mac imagined his own grandmother squirting her vaginal fluids into his face and he came into the cup again.

        twow: Well, he has quite the imagination.

Winter: This substance would be later known as Red Bull.

 But he didn't stop; He just threw on more lube and started jacking off to the thought of his cousin, Applejack. In his dream Applejack rode him like a rodeo bull, pounding her pussy with his meat stick.

        twow: “Snap into a Slim Jim!”

 "Oh! Big Mac! Please! Fuck me harder! Fuck me harder brother!" His dream sister yelled "Alrighty sis' Just use that large meat stick of yer's to pound my vag like there's no tomorrow!"

AJ: Mad as Ah may be, Ah’m not as weirded out by this part.

Winter: Yea. Incest is familiar territory, at least.(Rereads last statement.) I need to see a doctor. Or a psychologist. Or both.

Derpy: Or the backside of my frying pan.

Winter: Seems less expensive. I’ll take it.

        His day dream then shifted to that of his little sister Apple Bloom, "Take it you whore! Oh Apple Bloom! Take your brother's monster cock!" Big Mac yelled.

        AJ and Derpy: NO!

Winter: If his dick is a monster, then it’s the dragon that the heroes have beaten the shit out of.

"Oh yes! Oh brother! Please! Fuck me harder!" his sister yelled. It wasn't long before Big Mac felt the familiar pressure build up within his cock and he sprayed his thick, gooey load. He then opened his eyes to see his family, stareing at him with horror in their eyes.

        AJ: Ah think the author misspelled “murder”.

        twow: Spell check failed HARD right there.

        "Umm, Sooo, exactly how much did you hear?"

        Winter: Because the blood and semen obviously aren’t dead givaways.

        Derpy: It’s regularly used on toast.

        Winter: Maybe I’ll cancel that down payment on that Ponyville home, then.

Big Mac said, scared out of his mind. He then watched as Granny Smith clutched her heart and fell over, dead from a heart attack. After that Applejack yelled "Enough! We've herd enough!" Big Mac looked and noticed that he had accidently shot his bloody load all over his kid sister’s face by accident.

        Derpy: Why did she get that CLOSE?

        twow: “Look Applejack! Big Mac’s got a popsicle!” (curb-stomped by Applejack)

        Winter: More blood for the Blood God!

 Apple Bloom started crying, Applejack and Apple Bloom moved out later that night, and Big Mac killed himself later that night by driving burning, hot iron nails through his throat while stabbing himself in the chest with a butter knife.

        twow: There’s no kill like overkill.

Winter: And the world was a better place. I wish the author would follow Big Mac’s example, though.

                                THE END!

        twow: I don’t think I’ve been this happy to see those words.

        Winter: It’s... nice.

        AJ: Pinkie, can ya let me out now? Ah wanna get that human hunt underway pronto!

        Derpy: Phew. Time to get out.

        twow: So, how are we all faring?

        Derpy: I don’t understand how to even.

Winter: Well, it’s more of a train-wreck plot, rather than a train-wreck story like FoE:  the Forgotten.

AJ: (straps bottles of bleach on her sides)

Winter: Umm, Pinkie? Can you let us out now? You know, before AJ decides to start with us?

twow: I don’t think it’s a good idea to let her out. Although, the only ways to Earth from here are from my portal and Fallen’s armory...

Pinkie: (from TV) Sorry about that Applejack. If it makes you feel better, you all did great!

Winter: I suppose it’s as good a time as any to test out my new Three-Portal gun. (Pulls out regular 2-portal gun with a 1-portal gun taped on)

twow: This is why I’m the one that invents things.

(The lab doors unlock and open.)

Derpy: Go get some rest Applejack. You deserve it.

        Winter: Maybe give Big mac a little chat before his “daily routine”.

        AJ: (evolves into fire-demon)

        Winter: FORREST GUMP POWERS!!! (Makes like a tree)

        twow: Damn it Winter!

        Derpy: Just...hit the button Pinkie.

        (Pinkie pushes the button and the TV turns off with a blip.)