Well, this is a new one.

After my “Marshmallow Holes” riff, Bronystories contacted me when I had mentioned riffing with him in the riff. He put forth the idea of collab riffing with him in an upcoming story he has and I was on board. The other day though, he got a hold of me with a story we could riff now. And seeing as how I wasn’t busy and was excited to riff, why not?

This story is called Candies and is a lazy, shameless rip-off of the infamous “Cupcakes.” Perfect for the two of us to tear apart, don’cha think?

I present to you now, Candies.

        twow: So, get this Bon Bon. Candy that tastes like the rainbow.

        Bon Bon: I thought rainbows were spicy.

        twow: That’s the point. We’ll have spicy flavors, sweet flavors...

Lyra: If it’s in one candy that looks like a rainbow, how are you going to keep the flavor from mashing together and tasting gross?

twow: I’ll increase the flavor of one individual color and tailor the rest so that it tastes alright.

Lyra: Sounds like a lot of work.

twow: It’ll be worth it.

Pinkie: (from TV) Can I have all of the spicy ones?

twow: No. Mine. What’s up Pinkie?

Pinkie: Well, I got a hold of someone that you had wanted to talk to before!

twow: And that would be...

Pinkie: He’s coming right now! I can’t spoil the surprise!

(All three turn to the lab doors as Bronystories enters the lab)

twow: Pinkie, I CAN’T.

BS: What did I miss?

Lyra: twow’s been trying to convince Bon Bon to help him with a new type of candy.

twow: Hm. No freakout at another human Lyra?

Lyra: Wait for it...

Bon Bon: I was thinking the slogan could be “Taste the Rainbow.”

BS: It’s been done.

Bon Bon: Well, shoot.

twow: Pinkie, why is Bronystories here again?

(The lab doors shut and lock)

Pinkie: You had said that you wanted to riff with him! So here he is!

twow: What’s the story?

Pinkie: It’s called “Candies!”

Lyra: Wait, did he even write that one?

BS: No. I may write some of the most perverted stories in the fandom, but even I wouldn’t stoop so low as to rip off Cupcakes.

twow: Ewwww.

*BUZZ*

All: We’ve got story sign!

Candies

With A Hint Of Ponies

        twow: 99 cents each.

 "I'm running low on supplies," said Bon Bon, prancing around her mini bakery. It has been 2 months since Bon Bon opened her candy store, named "Candies For Ponies".

BS: Contender for the most obviously-named business award; right behind “Hospital for the sick” and “Dane Cook’s Comedy Club for the Criminally insane.”

She thought that it is a very good name, and kept bragging to her friend Lyra that her business would hit the charts and she would live and sell her candies someday in Chicacolt, Fillynois.

        twow: That one hurts.

BS: Is that supposed to be the pony equivalent of China, Illinois? If so, why would Bon Bon want to sell her candies where the worst school in America is located?

Lyra: Maybe candy makes everything better?

Little did she knew that "Candies For Ponies" would be renamed

"Candies With Ponies".

BS: If "Candies with Ponies" is candy made from ponies, then does that mean "Men without Hats" are men who aren't made out of hats?

Bon Bon: You can make men from hats? Don’t let Lyra hear about this.

Lyra: Too late. I’ve already made plans to stop by a haberdasher once we’re done       with this riff.

BS: Did you know that “Safety Dance” was written as an anthem promoting condom use? True story.

twow: I believe that.

But first she needs the "supplies".

twow: The ones that came from beneath the sink.

Lyra: Or in this case, beneath the skin.        

------------

Lyra is currently practicing her new piece, The Ballad Of the Humans, in her lyre when she suddenly remembered that she is supposed to meet with Bon Bon in her oh-so-famous candy store.

        twow: Da hell? Did my old friend Tense Change arrive?

BS: I’m typically not one to poke fun at a spelling error, since they can happen to everyone. Besides, the letter ‘I’ and ‘O’ are right beside each other on the keyboard, so it was an honest mistake. With that being said, when the error changes the meaning to something unintentionally funny, I have no problem pointing that out.

Bon Bon: All right. Enough build up. What’s the riff?

BS: Lyra’s practicing her ballad inside her lyre? It must be really big if she can fit inside it!

Bon Bon: Was it worth it?

BS: Yes.

Lyra: Take a moment to breathe.

 Bon Bon said that she needs some supplies that needs to be fresh, so they will be going to the clearing by the Everfree Forest, in search for some mint leaves, and other herbs for her new recipe. At first Lyra is hesitant because, who the hell put herbs in ones candy?

        twow: Have you never heard of medicinal candy?

BS: What Lyra didn’t know was that Bon Bon was planning to butcher their neighbor, Herb Muddlefoot.

Lyra: Does that mean Bon Bon’s really Darkwing Duck?

Bon Bon: Let’s get... back to the story.

 But she didn't asked, because that's what friends are for, right?

        Lyra: Friends still ask if they don’t understand.

------------

 "UGH," Bon Bon said, eyes twitching rapidly, "why is it that the ingredients for this recipe are too hard to find?!"

twow: Because you’re in the EVERFREE.

Bon Bon: Unobtanium? Now where am I supposed to find that?

"Um Bon Bon,"-said Lyra turning to her friend- "maybe we should just give up. I'm kinda hungry too."

"Why of course my dear Lyra. I have a new candy, wanna try it?" exclaimed Bon Bon in delight, eyes twitching as she turned to her friend.  She reached for her saddlebag and got some candies that wrapped into an unusual kind of plastic.

BS: It was a chocolate-dipped banana wrapped in a condom.

twow: Sounds good.

"Let me know what you think of it." said Bon Bon with a grin on her face.

Lyra took the candy and smelled it. It smells funny, but who cares?! She is hungry, nopony can think on an empty stomach right?

Lyra: I’m not going to eat something that smells weird! I don’t care how hungry I am!

        twow: You have a limited brain according to this.

"Wow, this is really good, Bon Bon. It will surely make your business go into, like, BOOM!

        BS: With the “likes” and the “booms,” Lyra’s slowly turning into Maynard G. Krebs.

        Bon Bon: Who?

        BS: Gilligan before he was Gilligan.

But I kinda feel fuuzzy.. *Yawn* Welp, I guess it's nap time for me. I'm just going to sleep right here... In.. this.. tree.." *SLAM* said Lyra as she fell into a peaceful slumber.

        twow: How did she say “slam” while she was passing out?

BS: Maybe she’s like the guy from the Police Academy movies who did all the wacky sound effects.

"Good." Bon Bon stated.

--------

"*Yawn* Huh?! I can't strech my legs. What the- why am I strapped?" exclaimed Lyra, trying to get of the straps.

        Lyra: “Why am I strapped?”

BS: Yeah. You’re strapped for cash. Bon Bon drugged you and stole all your money to buy her ingredients.

twow: Either that or Bon Bon’s into bondage.

 Unable to break free, she just studied the room for some buttons or knives that will hopefully help her to break free. She monitored the room, but all she see are ovens, pans, etc. It seems like a kitchen, she thought. She seems to be atop of a cold table.

        twow: You’re clearly in the living room. Duh.

BS: Either that, or Chef Ramsey is about to make his appearance in an unexpected human/pony crossover clopfic.

Then she heard hoovesteps.

"So, is my friend ready to make some candies with me?" Said Bon Bon, mane extremely wet, a little paler than usual. She appeared out of nowhere, candies in her left hoof.

BS: How does one get her mane “extremely wet?”

Bon Bon: You have to go skateboarding in a tsunami.

twow: I’m not going to question how that works.

"Oh hey Bon Bon, why am I strapped? And what do you mean by making some candies with you? I thought we are just going for some herb hunting?" said Lyra in a confused manner, eyeing on Bon Bon who is munching on some red colored candies.

BS: Guys, I think those last couple sentences broke me. Have fun riffing the rest without me. Bye!

Lyra: You get back here!

As soon as Bon Bon is finished munching on the candy, she walked over to a countertop and started reading a book.

BS: “To Serve Ponies.”

Lyra: It’s a cookbook! It’s a cookbook!

"So, for our newest recipe, mint candies." Bon Bon said as she grins.

"Umm Bon Bon, this isn't funny."

"Oh yes, this isn't funny because I am not joking." Bon Bon said, with a hint annoyance in her tone. She grabbed a packing tape and sticked it to Lyra's mouth, making her unable to speak.

        twow: “I’m reading a book.”

        Bon Bon: “Don’t you ever interrupt me when I’m reading a book!”

        Lyra: You sound like Twilight.

"There, now stop talking. You're ruining my concentration." she added. Now she went back on reading the recipe book, then proceeded on reading it aloud.

MINT CANDY        

8 oz. mint leaves, crushed

2 cups boiling water

2 lbs. sugar

1 egg white

        Bon Bon: No milk? No shortening? Are you trying to make these candies inedible?

BS: Why am I picturing a sequel where Paula Deen comes to Ponyville and tries to cook ponies?

twow: “Candies 2: Revenge of the Paula”

Lyra: Paula thinks that Fluttershy is made of butter and obsesses over her.

"Hehe. This would be pretty quick." exclaimed Bon Bon. She grabbed a scissor and knife from the cabinet and trotted towards Lyra.

Lyra, still in state of shock, couldn't say a word. All you can hear from her are muffled words.

        Lyra: I couldn’t have said a word anyway. Remember the gag?

BS: “All I can hear?” When did I get roped into this story? Is this second person now?

        twow: Hai tense change!

"In a 1 quart Thermos, add crushed mint leaves." Bon Bon said, grabbing her scissors and started on cutting Lyra's mane. She even accidentally cut her right eye, leaving it bleeding.

        twow: Bullshit. You did NOT just accidentally cut her fucking eye.

BS: That reminds me... I still need to finish Pipsqueak’s story arc in the last chapter of 120 Days of Blueblood.

twow: That thing is gonna hurt to solo...

"Oh sorry, dear friend. I didn't meant to hurt you. Oh my, what would my customers say if my ingredients are not fresh?!" She said as she walked to a nearby counter top, getting a rag socked with lemon juices.

        twow: You better be “socking” that rag up.

        Lyra: Sounds like something Pinkie would do.

        BS: Lemon-scented socks would leave your feet smelling fresh!

 She wiped the blood at Lyra's eye, but because of the citrus effect, left it in an excruciating pain. Lyra, now crying, mixed the tears of her eyes with blood and lemon juice.

        twow: Wow. Bon Bon is being quite the bitch.

        Bon Bon: Hey!

        twow: Lemon juice in the EYE.

Bon Bon: But she’s nothing like me! In fact, she’s so unlike me, we may as well call her “Non Bon.”

"Thank you for another ingredient, Lyra. I appreciate the effort." Bon Bon put away the rag and trotted to a stove and tested if it was working.

BS: Judging by the intellect the Non Bon has shown thus far, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stuck her face on the stovetop to test if it was on.

"It seems like it isn't working. Oh well, I need to improvise." She trotted to Lyra, and to Lyra's surprise, the table she is laying at is not really a table. It is a grill.

(like that of Spongebob's)

        Bon Bon: What’s Spongebob?

BS: A show Merriwether Williams used to work on. She’s the same person who wrote Spike at Your Service.

Lyra: Somehow that makes this situation even more terrifying.

Bon Bon opened it at full power, causing it to heat up quickly, making Lyra's back burnt. She pulled out the tape at Lyra's mouth, making the unicorn wince in pain. Her mouth is bleeding and her upper lip is stuck at the tape.

        twow: I can’t handle all these tense changes!

        Lyra: What is she DOING to me?

        (Bronystories and Bon Bon break out into spontaneous song.)

        BS: She wants her baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back...

        Bon Bon: LYRA’S BABY BACK RIBS!

        BS: ...and barbeque sauce.

        twow: Well, they’ve broken.

"Hmmm. Looks delicious to me." Bon Bon munched on the upper lip of Lyra's. Lyra couldn't and wouldn't look. It was too disgusting.

        twow: I hope Lyra put on some ChapStick first.

Bon Bon is munching happily on Lyra's now dis attached mouth. She could savor the blood on it; it taste like metal, only wet and thick. The meat of it dancing inside her mouth, making it pleasurable for her. She could feel every fiber of the meat playing with her tongue. She want it. More.

        Lyra: She’s toasting my back and eating my face.

        twow: Kinky. (smacked by Lyra)

        BS: It tasted like metal, only wet and thick? That’s not Lyra! That’s the T-1000!

        Bon Bon: That would be an unexpected twist.

She took her knife and sliced Lyra's lower lip, making it bleed continuously. Lyra, now freed from the tape, could taste her own blood. She spit it at disgust, accidentally hitting Bon Bon at the eye.

        Lyra: No, I’m sure I would have done that on purpose.

        twow: And then Non Bon would have drank it.

"Why you! I'm going to cut your tongue you hoe!" Bon Bon then took her scissor and cut Lyra's tongue, causing the unicorn to choke more because of the blood gushing from her mouth making it's way through her throat. She is gasping for air.

twow: I’m getting rather tense because of this tense changes. (smacked by everyone.)

        Bon Bon: That was bad and you should feel bad.

"Now, back to business. In a 1 quart Thermos, add crushed mint leaves. Pour over 2 cups boiling water and allow the mint to steep for several hours.. Hmm, I think I'm going to rush this." With that, she shoved the ingredients to Lyra's hollow mouth, making the blood a substitute for water.

        BS: Hollow mouth? Hollow mouth?! I... I... there are no words.

        twow: That left YOU at a loss for words? Well, we’re fucked.

        BS: It has more to do with the clumsy word choices than anything else.

"Strain the leaves and discard, reserving the mint water. Measure out 1 pint of mint water, adding extra water to equal 1 pint, if needed." She don't care about the "leaves" anymore. In fact, it could make the candy tastier, Bon Bon thought.

        twow: “I don’t need that shit!”

 As for the water, she made way to the counter top and grabbed the rag from before, then squished it so the "water" can be extracted from the rag.

        BS: Was the rag still “socked” with lemon juice?

        Lyra: I wouldn’t be surprised.

'Why Bon Bon? Why?' Is the only thought that comes to Lyra's mind. The excruciating pain. Pains which are mixed with the burning of her back, the feeling of gasping for air, and the pain of being betrayed and used by your own friend in a disgusting and gross manner.

        BS: Hey, twow, they’re talking about us whenever you riff one of my stories.

        twow: Wow. They got me pegged.

BS: That reminds me. I need to write a sequel to Pin the Tail on the Griffin. (Excellent riffing of the original, by the way.)

twow: Where’s my laser pistol?!

BS: It’s in the dark. Right next to Bubble Berry’s party cannon. Just grope around in the dark. I’m sure you’ll find it eventually.

twow: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!

Heck, this could even kill me. No, THIS will surely kill me. Thought Lyra.

        Lyra: I JUST figured that out?

        BS: Did Non Bon give you a lobotomy at one point?

"When the liquid has cooled to room temperature, add the beaten white of one egg and 2 lbs. sugar. Let's see, egg and sugar. Maybe the egg shell and the plastic covering of sugar counts, too."

        twow: Put this shit on the Food Network.

        BS: It’s still more entertaining than Cupcake Wars.

 She then trotted to the cupboard and grabbed some eggs and 1 kilo sugar, and then stuffed it to Lyra's now hollowed mouth.

        Lyra: Yes. My mouth is hollow! WE GET IT!

BS: The writer must really like that word. There are so many other words you could use to convey that something is empty; like infundibular.

Bon Bon: What are you, a thesaurus?

        twow: Have you seen his lexicon for genetalia?

        BS: “She moaned as his eager icicle entered her inviting, infundibular igloo.”

        twow: Dear God.

"In a heavy bottomed saucepan, boil the mixture slowly until thick, skimming off any foam that rises to the surface. Well it seems like it has foams. And also it looks like thick." Said Bon Bon as she observed the blood on Lyra's mouth.

        twow: She sounds like she’s in the second grade.

        Bon Bon: That’s an insult to second graders everywhere!

Lyra: Also, I didn’t know that’s what thick looked like.        

"Test the candy by dropping a small amount from a spoon into a cup of cold water. When it hardens quickly, it is done." She grabbed a giant shovel (magically appeared) then shoved it to Lyra's mouth, barely catching any mixture. She licked it.

        twow: How did she lick it?! YOU CUT HER FUCKING TONGUE OUT!!!!

 I seems very good.

        twow: Something is going to be stabbed.

Bon Bon: twow, relax. You’re scaring me.

Pinkie Pie: (from TV) I can tell he’s mad, because his font changed.

Lyra: Stop breaking the fourth wall!

"Pour onto shallow edged buttered baking sheets." She emptied Lyra's mouth, forcing Lyra's head to turn 360 degrees, making it crack.

        Lyra: You twisted my head off!

        BS: Let’s be fair here. Your head’s still attached. She just broke your neck is all.

"There. Now, I didn't realized you had a horn.

        Lyra and Bon Bon: NO!

Silly me. I wonder if it would make a good candy. Oh well, might as well cut it now." She suddenly appeared with a large chainsaw.

        BS, twow, Lyra and Bon Bon: Hey, hey, hey! Stay out of my shed!

She ripped the other mare's horn , but accidentally ripped her apart. She watched as Lyra's internal organs make its way outside. Her intestines, liver, and her heart. Lyra, her "friend" is now an abiotic factor in the environment.

BS: Now we see where all the research budget went for this story. A consistent narrative tense can go to Hell, so long as “abiotic” gets shoehorned in somehow.

twow: Seems legit.

"Mark off in small squares and set aside to cool." She sliced her companion's body into tiny squares, sending blood all over the room. She managed to catch some of it via her mouth and chewed on the tiny bits.

        twow: I will say this, at least Non Bon doesn’t make horrible puns.

"When cold, break it up into small pieces and wrap in wax paper. Store in an airtight container." Bon Bon, wrapped Lyra's bits in her own skin. she stuffed it, and ripped, and closed it by sewing it. Done, she stored it in her shed.

        Lyra: If she doesn’t refrigerate that, it’s gonna smell AWFUL.

"This would make good candies for Nightmare Night." She said with a cackle.

        twow: Or some great nightmare fuel.

Candies for Ponies.

        Lyra: If you eat them, are you an accessory to murder?

        twow: I have no idea.

BS: Well,that was Candies. A sorry imitation of a sorry shockfic. What were everyone’s final thoughts?

twow: It failed at its job.

Lyra: If that was supposed to be like Cupcakes the author had clearly never read the original.

Bon Bon: I’m rather happy that it wasn’t very detailed throughout it.

twow: And the author needs to learn how to grammar. I mean really.

BS: Lyra may have played the victim in this story, but at the end of the day, the English language was the only one butchered.

twow: Butchered, sliced, diced...

Pinkie: (from TV) Didn’t you all have fun though?

BS: It was prime fodder for riffing. My advice to the author is to get some help proofreading her stories. Otherwise, I have a feeling our paths may cross again...

twow: It’s very possible. Alright, I’m sure you have some more wonderful stories that you need to go write that I’ll end up riffing.

BS: Lyra, Bon Bon, twow. It’s been fun, but I’ve got to go. Thanks for including me!

(The lab doors open and unlock)

Lyra: Hold on a moment. Fallen and twow wouldn’t tell me the whole deal with humans and them having a sheathless pe-

twow: Pinkie, hit the fucking button now!

BS: No, wait!

(Pinkie pushes the button and the TV turns off with a blip.)