The next morning, I woke up next to Applejack.

'I don't even remember what the fuck happened.' I thought, putting my hands to my face. That's when I noticed that my crotch was wet, I didn't have pants on, the room smelled like sex, and AJ had a small grin plastered upon her face.

"Welp... Just lost my streak of not fucking in this world, I guess..." I muttered, sliding out of bed with a groan. I slid some pants on and stumbled into the bathroom, trying my best to keep from faceplanting.

'Whatever I ate or drink is seriously fucking with me...' I thought, staring at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit, even to myself. I don't even know where that mild gash on my cheek came from, but I could see into my mouth through it. It wasn't bleeding, which was a good sign.

"Might as well find a unicorn and get this fixed..." I muttered and got cleaned up before sliding some pants on. I left a note for AJ, placed it in the same place as the last one, and slipped out without waking her up. As I turned around, I saw Dawn looking at me with caution.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Like shit. What did you do to me?" I answered, narrowing my eyes.

"I didn't do anything. Luna slipped something in a drink that was supposed to go to Williams. It was supposed to be a relaxant." He explained.

"Well, it wasn't. I don't remember anything after the wedding, I feel like shit, and I have a gash in my cheek wide enough as to where I can see my pearly whites through it." I said.

"You want me to heal that for you?" Dawn asked, already pointing his horn at my face.

"Nah, I'll just take some stitches when we get back to Ponyville. Speaking of which... Williams going to be coming with us, or staying?" I asked, changing the subject.

"With the way he and Luna are acting around each other, he's fucking staying. Your God knows that she needs a special person in her life." Dawn commented.

"I'm an Atheist, I have no God."

"Sorry." He apologized.

"Fuck if I care, man. Hell, when I was back on Earth, I automatically assumed that everyone I met was Christian, until they proved me wrong. Didn't bring the topic up, just quietly assumed." I shrugged and looked around.

"So, what about Duffy?" Dawn finally asked.

"Coming with me, I saw the small looks that he gave Dashie. He likes her, he just doesn't know it yet." I said after a moment, making sure said sniper wasn't within earshot.

"Are you going to play matchmaker with them, like you did with Lulu and Williams?" Dawn asked, grinning.

"Nah. That was a spur of the moment thing, and I knew that neither would dare do anything. Williams wouldn't because he was only awake for a bleedin' half hour, and Luna wouldn't because she hasn't caught up with modern times." I answered, shrugging again.

"Alright... Well, I have an offer for you; any humans that appear here from now on get my personal protection no matter where they are, in exchange for one thing from you." He said.

"Deal." I said immediately.

"Just like that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Just like that. I would give my life if it meant that others would keep theirs. It's why I joined the Marines, after all." I answered.

"I'm not going to be that demanding and you know it, General." He said, causing me to freeze.

"...What did you just call me?" I quietly asked.

"From this day forth, you are now a general in the Equestrian Military." He said with a shit-eating grin. I felt like bitch-slapping it off of him, but refrained from doing so.

'EOD personnel generally don't become generals... Especially with the history I have in the Marines. Still can't believe that Frank blamed me for the flashbang in the latrines after lunch...' I thought, sliding a hand over my face.

"...Fine..." I sighed. "How many stars?" I asked after a moment, looking at him.

"Five stars. Most generals are." He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope, I'm not accepting that. Marines don't even have a five star general, every military personnel from the United States who comes here won't buy it for an instant. One star." I said, shaking my head.

"But, I'm the only one star general!" Dawn exclaimed, raising both of his eyebrows so high, that if they went any higher they would fly off.

"Change the roles, then. It'll be easier for me in the long run, at least. Be a five star general, and switch the roles around. Five stars become one, four become two, and three stay the same. It'll be the only way I'll join, after all." I demanded.

"Fine..." Dawn finally said, nodding his head slowly. "Welcome to the Equestrian Military, General Durnkinscoff." He held out his hoof, which I grasped.

"I'm requesting my own task force, sir." I said right after I shook it. He grinned at me.

"Request accepted. When do you want the troops?" He asked. "And cut the 'sir' stuff while I'm not in uniform." He added.

"As the humans come. Don't strain yourself over me." I said, letting go and stepping back.

'If my CO was here, he'd have a fucking heart attack.' I thought, getting a slight grin from the image.

"Alright, we're going to have to set you up an office in the barracks, but I can do that myself. Aren't you all leaving today?"

"I guess." I shrugged. "It depends entirely upon AJ and the lot of 'em."

"Here; leave your uniform here and I'll get it modified according to your rank." He said after teleporting a small pile of my clothes and a pair of boots. "Give Duffy the other of everything, you're both build roughly the same." He added as I pulled up two pairs of blue jeans with a raised eyebrow. As I threw one over my shoulder, my cap teleported into being on Dawn's back.

"Alright. I'll see you later?"

"Of course. I live in Ponyville, after all." He waited until I stripped and handed over the uniform before trotting off to fuck around with my clothes, while I quickly slid my clothes on.

"Here, put these on." I said as I threw the set of clothes into the room that Duffy was staying in. I shut the door before he could respond and went to get some breakfast.

'Could really use a plate of bacon and a cup of coffee right now... Vegans everywhere can eat their hearts out.' I thought as I ambled around once again.

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