It was early afternoon by the time Twilight and Ryan returned to the library. It had been a productive day, on the most part. Well, for Twilight.

For Ryan, it was just more unpaid labor.

“Hnng – where do you… fffffnnnk – want these fuckers?” he grunted as he heaved the pile of scrolls through the doorway, trying his best not to let any slip out of his grasp.

Again.

They were much heavier than they looked. The browning parchment didn’t do much wriggling away, although several pieces ripped when he tried to keep them from slipping.

Twilight sighed, pushing the door open with her hoof for him. “You know, I could’ve just levitated them.”

“I said, I got… hnnnf… it.” As he dropped the pile on the table, it creaked slightly under the weight, and a couple of scrolls rolled onto the floor. Spike wandered into the kitchen, scratching his scaly stomach. “Hey, there you guys are. Boy, have I been busy today.”

“I understand, but did you really have to try to carry them all at once?”

Spike waved to Twilight slowly, giving her an dumbfounded look.

“Yes,” Ryan said, flexing one of his arms to show muscle. “I did.”

“Hello. Anypony in there?” Spike asked, looking between the two.

“I swear, you have the most incurable case of Chauvinistic Male Syndrome I have ever seen.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Ryan admitted with ease, kicking his feet up on the table and trying not to knock any of the scrolls off. He was failing miserably. “So, what’d you need all these for, anyway?”

Twilight glared at him, levitating the fallen scrolls up and arranging the rest on the table in a neat pyramid. “Were you listening to me at all on the way back?”

“… Uh…. Eeeeee-yyyyy-eeeeee-ssss?” he guessed cautiously.

She groaned again, and Ryan could tell that if she had fingers, she’d be pinching the bridge of her nose in irritation. So far, though, she was settling for the face-hoof.

She reminded him a bit of his cousin, Donald. Bright little kid.

Certified genius, actually. Brilliant in most terms imaginable.

Completely unbearable little pain in the ass.

Apparently, Twilight took his grin for something else, as she levitated a couple up and dropped them in Ryan’s lap. “These,” she began. “are going to help you for later tonight.”

Ryan shot her a confused look, pinching one of the scrolls between his fingers and holding it up. “How? These are all blank, aren’t they?”

“Yes. Yes, they are.” And she said that with such a smug, self-satisfied smile that it was more than enough to ensure Ryan knew that she had more work for him to do.

“WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?” Spike wailed.

Ryan groaned for the umpteenth time, his hand crimping in protest. He dropped the quill onto the writing table, clutching his hand in discomfort.

“I can’t go on… go! Go on without… me… save yourself!” he gasped dramatically, dropping to the floor.

“Oh, get up, you. You’ve only just begun to scratch the tip of the iceberg.”

“ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME?”

He’d been writing for hours, and the sun was beginning to go down. According to Twilight, as he had properly guessed, sending him into Sugarcube Corner had been a distraction. While he was busy wreaking havoc, Twilight had been busy catching up to Applejack and contacting her friends, doing her best to put things right between them and Ryan. When Twilight had asked for help, Applejack offered to attempt to convince Granny Smith to allow Ryan back into their home when invited for dinner, given that there were no repeat instances of last time.

All in all, they’d been exceptionally forgiving.

Meaning that there has to be some kind of self-serving reasoning behind it. Nobody does anything out of the goodness of their freakin’ hearts, Ryan thought suspiciously.

He’d been writing almost nonstop, and Twilight kept him on track. Nearly a quarter of the scrolls had been filled with everything Twilight had been saying to him, all of it nonsensical garbage about proper behavior, table manners, light conversational topics, and mindless crap about ‘friendship’.

He was ready to use the quill to stab his eyes out.

And the ink pots – CHRIST, where they a pain in the ass. He vowed to talk to some of these ponies about getting some pens.

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

Twilight insisted that he memorize everything he’d written. Mostly under threat of being place back inside the Flying-Pink-Hamster-Ball-of-Torment. He promptly agreed.

Mainly because he had no intention of doing any such thing, and because he’d scribbled what he thought were important bits on the underside of his arm. Ryan heard a light thumping, almost as if someone were stomping up the stairs. Actually, exactly as if someone were stomping up the stairs.

“Hey. Visitors.” Spike grumbled, crossing his tiny arms and stomping back down. He was probably still angry about being ignored earlier. That brought a small amount of comfort to Ryan, knowing that he wasn’t the only one pissed off at Twilight.

Misery and company, and all that.

Twilight sighed, looking over Ryan’s work one last time. He made sure that his arm was safely turned away from her, and he stood, stretching his back. “Whelp, guess I’m done here –“ he started.

Thankfully, she simply nodded satisfactorily. “It’s nowhere near what I hoped you’d accomplish by this point, but much better than I was afraid you weren’t going to do. I trust you’ve gotten everything down pat-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said quickly, waving her off. The last thing he wanted was for her to start ranting again. Mainly because she had developed a nasty habit of stopping halfway through and asking him questions, forcing him to actually pay attention to bits of the ‘conversation’. “I’ll be a good boy. Sit, stay, roll over.” He gave her his biggest smile and a thumbs up, which on him, didn’t do anything less than make him look akin to a maniacal, two legged and slightly hairy shark. The unusually sharp teeth, unshaven face, slicked back greasy black hair, and bloodshot eyes made him look more like an animal than anything.

Twilight shrugged it off, beginning her descent down the stairs. Ryan followed after, dropping the goofy smile as soon as she looked away, only for it to be replaced by a look of drooping disgust.

“Are you sure?” she asked suddenly, turning.

His face jerked painfully back into the goofy-smile, giving her the thumbs up once again. “Abso-fuckin’-lutely. Uh… ma’am.” He added as an afterthought.

Politeness. He wasn’t positive, but it had to have been some kind of virtue.

Twilight sighed uncertainly, and continued downstairs to greet her visitor. She already knew who it was, of course; she’d specifically asked for Fluttershy’s help with gathering everypony else at the Apple’s farmhouse. Whether or not they wanted to be anywhere near the ‘big dumb gorilla’.

Fluttershy could be quite convincing. This, Twilight knew.

Ryan’s heart sank when he saw her, and he groaned inwardly. Even though she’d already gotten the ticket she wanted, he doubted she’d settle for no revenge. He was on the verge of making up some excuse to avoid Fluttershy’s potential wrath when he had a stroke of brilliance.

Fluttershy definitely had something planned. Probably for whenever she could justify it, like if she felt that one of her friends were endangered. And, after all, Twilight had already proven that she was more than capable of foiling plans by doing the exact same thing that Ryan loved doing the most.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Oh, I am going to drive her fucking bonkers. He thought gleefully to himself, a dastardly plot already brewing in his mind. He gave her a huge, friendly smile as he came down the stairs, noting happily that she shrank back slightly from his overbearing figure and eerily happy visage.

“Hiya, Yel- uh, Fluttershy!” he exclaimed, waving over energetically as she approached the door.

Twilight, under the impression that he really was doing his best to be a better person, muttered under her breath to him as best she could. “Laying it on a little thick, don’t you think?”

He ignored her, picking up Twilight’s saddlebag for her. “Need this?” he asked, not waiting for an answer as he promptly dropped it back on the floor and strode out the door. She sighed heavily, beginning a steady trot. As she was halfway out the door, she threw her head back over her shoulder.

“… Well?”

“Well, what?” a sullen Spike answered, sitting on the steps.

“Aren’t you coming?”

He blinked at her a couple times, questioningly.

“Well, it wouldn’t be dinner without you, now would it?” Twilight said with a smile, and Spike grinned as he launched himself up in between her shoulder blades, and the pair started out the door. Twilight closed the door behind them with a light snap, and they steadily caught up to Ryan and Fluttershy, who was trotting instead of walking. Both of her wings were clamped tightly to her side, and her eyes were mainly on the road in front of her.

The unnaturally large smile never left Ryan’s face, and he babbled in a cheerful manner to her nearly the entire way to the farm.

Needless to say, talkative people might have annoyed the hell out of him, but that didn’t mean he never picked up a few tricks from them along the way. His cousin Danielle, Pinkie Pie, that girl from the Children’s… huh. What was her name again? Brittany? Heather? Regardless, the real trick was to keep spewing nonsense until either your throat gives out or the other person’s ears explode. He blathered almost nonstop all the way there about whatever came into his head, ranging from pumpernickel to umbrella stands half off on Tuesdays. And he was polite as possible about it the entire time.

Fluttershy was waiting for an opportune moment for when Ryan slipped up.

She’s gonna have a hard time of that. I’ll fuckin’ smother her with niceness.

Oh, it was going to be a long, long night.

“Evenin’, Twi.” Applejack welcomed the pair, opening the front door for Spike and his ride.

By the time they arrived, Twilight and Spike had gained a bit of distance on the second pair, and Applejack had to admit, Fluttershy looked like she was fairly on edge. A nervous twitch occasionally flittered across one of her eyes, although it was fairly well hidden behind her flowing pink mane. More disturbingly, however, was the gargantuan grinning gorilla that lumbered beside her, jabbering nonsensically about the one time he’d caught a mosquito with two fingers while his cousin was ineffectually lecturing him on quantum mechanics.

“Uh…” Applejack started. “… Evenin’, Fluttershy. And you.” she didn’t announce Ryan by name, rather giving him a hard, even look beneath the brim of her hat. She kept it tucked low, and Ryan couldn’t see much of her face. It must have been fairly difficult, Ryan thought to himself, trying to look intimidating when sporting blonde hair and freckles.

Her stare immediately brought back mental images of one of his exes.

The one with the bipolar disorder and the knife collection.

All of a sudden, Applejack looked much more intimidating.

For a moment, she’d have sworn he shivered. Instead, he looked to be peeking under his arm for something, like he’d forgotten it was there. Out of nowhere, he dropped to one knee, took one of her comparatively tiny hooves in his hand, and quietly rumbled in a deep voice, “Madam, your presence graces us. Are my visually appealing companion and I granted entry to your magnificent abode this fair evening?”

His sudden and unexpected grace surprised her, and his gently flowing honeyed words didn’t help to shake her out of her shock in the slightest. As a matter of fact, it was probably the last thing she was expecting aside from Twilight sprouting a pair of wings.

But that would just be ridiculous.

Her mouth opened and closed several times, but the unnaturally large smile on Ryan’s face never wavered. If he didn’t know any better, he’d have sworn a small blush was glowing beneath those freckles. As to how in the hell a pony had freckles befuddled him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could clearly see Fluttershy, wings trembling slightly. Although with nervousness or barely concealed rage, he couldn’t tell.

Hey, look. Fluttershy’s eye twitch is back.

It took all of his strength not to burst out laughing.

“Uh. Er… Why-“ Applejack took a moment to clear her throat, berating herself for being caught off guard. This was precisely the kind of thing Twilight had warned her of earlier, but with as much on her mind right now…

“Er-hem. Why don’t y’all come on in?” she said to the pair, turning on the spot and moving at a brisk pace toward a dining area. Ryan motioned for Fluttershy to take the lead, and he bowed his head lower to make it inside.

As it turns out, there was a lot more dining room than he had seen before. From what he could guess, this place was accustomed to seating more than one family, which could explain why there was plenty of room for the Apple family, plus the unexpected arrival of Whiney Whitey Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and even Pinkie Pie.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t really been introduced to the Rainbow colored one. Since the others had all been given somewhat derogatory nicknames, he promptly settled on Skittles.

After a couple of seconds of silence, he realized that he’d just been standing in the doorway staring at them all. He quickly checked the underside of his arm on a multitude of scribbles, and much to his displeasure, he found that a certain level of sweat had rendered a few of them completely unreadable.

117. Don’t look like a jackass. Be more smiley.

“Uh… hi, everypony!” he said with his best winning smile, taking an empty seat near the middle of the table. Unfortunately, Twilight sat directly next to him, probably to make sure he stayed in line. There were a couple of mutters around the room, but most of the inhabitants took seats as well, with Applejack on one end of the table and Granny Smith on the opposite.

It wasn’t long before food was served around the table, and the pleasantly large variety of apple-related edibles did a great deal toward making up for the lack of meat. There were a huge assortments of apple pies, apple dumplings, apple turnovers, apple frosted cakes, apples in baskets, apples dipped in caramel, apples-

Oh, fuck. It was going to be a long, long night.

“There’s enough apples here to give you diarrhea out the wazoo. No pun intended.” Ryan exclaimed, looking around the table with a groan. Granny Smith eyed him wearily, and a very large, muscular red pony sitting next to her at the corner of the table gave him a level look.

“Wassa wazoo?” the one he remembered as Apple Bloom asked through a mouthful of fritter, sitting directly across from him.

254. Don’t fuckin’ swear so much. Attempt to decrease your level of vulgarity around young ones.

“Oh, it’s, uh…” Ryan said, thinking quickly as he scratched the back of his greasy head. “It’s… a bird.”

Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow at him, trying not to smile. She knew he’d made a slip up. He wasn’t going to let her have an form of victory from it, though.

“Yeah, I’ve seen some ginormous ones. Right, Spike?” he said suddenly, peering around Twilight at the small purple dragon.

“Huh?” Spike said, startled at the prospect of someone actually paying attention to him. “Oh, he’s lying. He means butt. Wazoo means bu- oof!” Twilight nudged him, but it was already too late. Granny Smith looked slightly frustrated, and Apple Bloom snorted so hard that fritter flew out and hit Ryan in the face.

Leaving Pinkie snickering wildly and Fluttershy with an infuriatingly satisfied look on her face.

Rarity’s horn glowed briefly, and an apple-embroidered green cloth napkin wafted over to him. He snatched it rudely out of the air, wiping his face as he glared daggers at Spike. “Naked little prick.” He said angrily.

In hindsight, Rarity had probably pulled his bacon out of the fire with her comment. Although he really wished she hadn’t.

“Well, dear, you’re hardly one to talk. You were without clothes for a short while too, hmm?”

It took him a nearly full moment to comprehend how very badly he’d just been burned. He felt his face flush, and Pinkie was stuffing both of her hooves into her mouth in a mad attempt to prevent herself from giggling.

She was failing horribly.

582. Try not to say something you’ll regret.

For a split second, he could have sworn he saw even the frumpy-faced Granny Smith with a small smile tugging at her lips, but he bowed his head and started on his overly apple-related meal.

He sighed with discontent, picked up a small fork, and began cutting slowly at the dumplings in front of him. “So… who made this…?” he had to stop himself from calling it crap, and he looked to Twilight for help. Instead, Granny Smith spoke up.

“That’d be me, darlin’. Now, I hear you ain’t been used to home cooked meals since y’all been here, so good food that’s good for ya’ might come as a bit of a cul-ture shock.”

“What about waffles? I thought those were some a’ my best.” The large red pony next to Granny Smith said, a little hurt.

“Aw, come on, Big Mac,” and Ryan struggled not to snicker at the name. “We both know I been makin’ waffles since before you were born, and I still don’t burn ‘em as bad as you do.”

“Yeah, they were kinda burned.” Spike injected, taking a hefty bite out of the apple pie in front of him. Big Mac simply gave him a nearly sideways frowning ‘harumph’, which must have been difficult to pull off. It was then that Ryan realized that Big Mac was staring right at him, and the two made eye contact. Immediately breaking it, Ryan looked around the room and realized that it wasn’t just the one called Big Mac; it was every single one of the, watching him holding the slice of apple dumpling mid-air.

639. Pants aren’t for burning. Compliment the food. Don’t forget to compliment the food!

Ryan gave a resigned sigh, looking at the apple dumpling. It was probably made with hay or some crap, too. With a deep breath, he deftly flicked the dumpling slice through the air, and caught it in his mouth. For a few seconds, a blank look stayed on his face. After a few more moments of silence, he chewed thoughtfully and swallowed loudly. With a large grin, he turned to Granny Smith and gave her the ‘thumbs up’ once again.

It wasn’t helping his image.

“That tasted amazing!" Ryan lied with his mouth full. "It's like I orgasmed, but inside my mouth!”

Pinkie Pie promptly hit the ground, roaring with laughter. Twilight’s hoof hit her face, and she groaned at her failure. “I know. I know,” Ryan said, mimicking her miserably. “Caught it as soon as I said it.”

Fluttershy was, by this point, turning the same color in the face as Big Mac was in the flank. Rarity was left flabbergasted, trying her best to ignore the insane laughter coming from the pink pony on the floor beside her, but it wasn’t long before she, too, collapsed into a fit of giggles.

Even Granny Smith was laughing at his expense, so much so that her dentures had fallen out onto her plate.

“Oh-hoo-hoo! Ah changed my mind, young ‘un! You should keep him!” Granny Smith wheezed to Twilight, struggling in vain to place her dentures back in her mouth without chuckling them out again. Ryan would have thought Applejack would be one of the first to laugh at him as well, but upon closer inspection, he could clearly see that she had deep bags under her eyes, though she did manage a weak smile. She didn’t look all that enthusiastic about it, however.

Applejack just looked… exhausted.

Ryan wasn’t sure what bothered him more. That she looked so beaten down, or the fact that he was the only one that noticed.

Or that he even noticed at all.

“Eeyup. Y’all come back now, ya’ hear?” Applejack called after them as the group walked away.

Ryan had really done his best to avoid doing dishes. As a matter of fact, he’d been halfway out the door after finishing his meal when he discovered he’d been wrangled into helping.

Quite literally; Applejack was very handy with that rope.

Behind them, Ryan could see Twilight saying something lowly to Applejack before she trotted back to him and Fluttershy with a determined expression. Spike, sitting happily atop Ryan’s left shoulder, was chatting animatedly with him about the dinner.

“And she says, ‘What’s a wazoo?’ and I’m all-“

“I know, I know,” Ryan laughed good-naturedly. “I was there, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” Spike said thoughtfully, scratching his chin. “So, anyway-“

Ryan chortled, letting his mind wander as they walked. Spike clung to his shoulder, and occasionally tried to use his greasy hair as reins, which didn’t work too well for Spike. He vaguely wondered if every day were going to be like this. If that were the case… well, maybe this place wasn’t all that bad.

A twinge of guilt surged through him as he remembered his promises of protecting his cousins from harm, and how in the hell he was going to get home. He forced himself to think of something else, instead – no use going on a guilt trip over things he didn’t have the power to change.

“-fter that. Right, Ryan?”

“Huh. Oh, yeah. Sounds great.”

Yet. He’d get to them. He swore that much to himself.

Instead, he contented himself with blotting out Spike’s ramblings with thoughts of his evident victory of Fluttershy. Granted, his plan of victory through total inaction hadn’t necessarily panned out, but it was close enough. His grin grew wider at that, and his shoulders shook slightly from the laugh. Spike wobbled precariously, and Ryan’s hand flew up to snag his ankles before he could slip. Spike kept right on talking without even slowing his pace.

As a matter of fact… Fluttershy didn’t look very peeved about being thwarted. He really would have expected her to be more furious about her lack of revenge, or at the very least, a bit eye-twitchy.

Turns out, Ryan’s hindsight was twenty-twenty.

“-fore you return in the morning. Right, Ryan?”

“Wazzat? Huh?” he said, yanking himself out of thought.

“Have you even been listening to me?” Twilight sighed yet again, head drooping as she received the anticipated answer.

“Oh. Uh… yeah. Totally.” Ryan lied.

“Ah, good. Then I’ll see you at the expected time in the morning.” She said, and began to trot off toward the library. Spike clambered off his back and ran parallel to Twilight. Ryan hadn’t even noticed when he’d stopped rambling.

“Hey! Where are you going?” he quipped in surprise.

“I see you were paying such close attention,” she said smarmily over her shoulder. “You’ll be spending the night with Fluttershy until we can provide you with reasonable sleeping space! Good night!” and with that, she left him with the small yellow Pegasus.

He simply stood there, staring at the space she had been moments ago in shock.

Ryan looked down at the Pegasus, and from the small, satisfied smile she was giving him, he hadn’t felt such a surge of pants-filling fear in years.

Oh, fuck.