Author's Notes:

Story is currently being rewritten because... well, because it's awful.

Ryan Miller was having a hell of a day.

After flinging himself into a whirling violet vortex of destruction and pain brought about by a mysterious man with a magical blue box, it suddenly occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, that was a bad idea.

Ryan felt himself being pulled deeper and deeper into the whirlwind, the world vanishing behind him as the vortex yanked him this way and that.

Chaos. It was sheer chaos.

Pain enveloped him within seconds, and the tumbling and twisting completely disoriented him. This must be what it was like, being pulled into a black hole. He could have sworn he was being compressed, crushed, his very being ground down. He’d never before felt quite so… trapped. His consciousness funneled to a single point as he slowly passed out, the whirling dervish of destruction whispering him a madman's lullaby…

And then it was over.

Not slowly or noticeably, but abruptly.

Curled up into the fetal position, his eyes squeezed tightly closed, Ryan clutched his arms closely.

At least, he thought they were his arms. For as much as he was tossed about, he wouldn't be able to tell the difference if any of his other limbs had been swapped out with others.

Very, very slowly, he gently patted himself, sitting up. Okay, fingers, toes, limbs; all check.

He was alive. He was alive, and that was pretty good.

OHHOLYFUCK.

Ryan immediately fell back onto his side, rolling slightly as he did so.

When he opened his eyes again, he was greeted with color.

Oh, god. So much color.

The trees, the grass, the sky, the clouds – just these few things in his immediate vision were so damned vibrant that they almost blinded him. He slowly pried his eyes open, squinting around and carefully taking in his surroundings. Any more of this and it’d give him a migraine.

Firstly, everything was so bright, so surreal that it took him longer to adjust than he previously expected.

And secondly, everything was obviously animated.

It looked like a cross between a cartoon and a druggie's fever dream. He could clearly see a window in the tree above him as he lay on his back, staring directly at it. His beady black eyes followed the massive tree, all the way down to the door at the front, very close to him.

Finally, his eyes slowly came to a set of animated legs, as he had suspected he would find as he took in everything else. His heart still raced at the prospect, though. It was crazy, impossible; it was insane.

Animated sneakers, sticking out like little boats underneath his grimy jeans.

He wondered briefly what his face looked like here.

And how he was ever going to get his rent paid.

"… Uh, hello?" he heard a petite, feminine voice stutter out. Propping himself up on his elbows, he glared around until he discovered the source of the noise. It wasn’t like there was much else to surprise him. Somebody must have left a purple plushy doll sitting around near this-

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Twilight Sparkle."

"HOLY FUCK BALLS, A TALKIN' HORSE!"

It kept talking.

Ryan sat at a miniature (for him) wooden table in the kitchen of the tree… er, house. Tree house? He sipped tenderly at a tiny china cup of black coffee, hands trembling weakly as he tenderly placed it back on the saucer with a quiet tink!

This purple… horse. Unicorn. Pony. Thing.

It kept talking.

And it was freaking him the hell out.

Ryan had almost completely drowned out the sound of its (her?) voice, staring intently at the cup, eyes repeatedly traveling back to his oddly animated hands.

Oh, god, my hands…!

They looked so… misshapen here. So out of place. Looking around, he felt more and more like a giant than anything else. He’d always been very tall at nearly six and a half feet, but this was ridiculous.

“-of the ramifications of such actions in the first place. Are you even listening to me?” the small violet unicorn asked, levitating a similar cup of coffee in front of her. The… thing had purplish and pink… hairdo? Mane? That it continually levitated out of its way. “I get the feeling you’re not really listening.”

Jesus, at least something sounds familiar.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. That’s great.” He replied automatically, drinking more of the now quite cold coffee, trying to look as if he had been paying attention. It was apparent that he hadn’t been, however, as his eyes kept drifting around the small room.

The pony’s eye twitched with mild irritation, but it continued regardless. “Belay that, this is fascinating. I mean, how many other ponies can say they’ve studied aliens? I m-“

“Whoa, hold the fuck up,” Ryan said, snapping out of his stupor. “I ain’t bein’ studied for anything. First things first, I’m gonna wake up in the hospital, and then I’m gonna ask ‘em to never put me on whatever drugs they’re using, ever again. Comprende, amigo?” he snapped, glowering at the pony in front of him.

If the pony was afraid of him, she didn’t show it. “You don’t have to be huffy, Mister Alien.”

“I have a name, you little shit.”

She paused for a moment, her large eyes watching him diligently. “Very well, Mi-…. What is your name, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Ryan paused, thinking. After a moment, he held out one of his (by comparison) enormous hands to the pony.

“Ryan. Ryan Miller.”

“Ryan,” she said slowly, rolling the name around to become familiarized with it. She carefully took his large hand in the two of her smaller indigo hooves and shook them slowly. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. Pleasure to meet you.”

“And I’m Spike!”

“HOLY SHIT!”

Ryan leapt up from the small wooden table, knocking it over in his haste. A small, purple and green scaled dragon had leapt up out of nowhere onto the counter, and pointed proudly at himself. The table flipped through the air, and hit Ryan in the chin as it did so. He fell swiftly to the floor, desperately struggling to get his bearings.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin’…. Fuck!” he shouted, clutching his chin in agony.

“Ah! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to break it!” the tiny dragon wailed in despair.

“It’s not an it, it’s a he! I mean, he’s a he! And I think it – I mean, he is…” Twilight paused, lost in the confusion and noise, her horn glowing brightly for a split second. Within moments, Ryan found himself completely encased within a tight pink bubble, flailing about haphazardly as gravity was defied and he floated in the air.

Twilight sighed, relieved that the noise Ryan had been making was promptly cut off by the magical bubble.

After several long minutes of Ryan swearing silently (not to himself, though,) Twilight noticed that he’d become quiet and gently lowered the bubble to the floor before it disintegrated.

Ryan slowly and deliberately picked himself up, dusted himself off in what he hoped was a respectable manner, and pointed dangerously at Twilight. “Don’t. Ever. Do.That. Again,” he spat venomously.

“Er… sorry. I thought…”

“You thought what?” Ryan asked through tensely gritted teeth.

“You were… sending out a warning signal.”

He stopped for a moment, a grin spreading on his face before he snickered. “Knnnktck. What?”

“You, uh… you alien types do… do that, don’t you?”

“Well, I guess, but I could’a just used a cell phone.”

“A what now?”

Ryan blinked, trying desperately to calm himself. His chin was still sore as hell, and it was definitely going to bruise. He was doing his best to ignore the tiny dragon that was now hiding behind the upturned table. Completely that little shit’s fault…

“A phone,” Ryan hissed, as if the pony, Twilight, whatever. As if Twilight were being stupid on purpose. Though after a second of contemplation, he realized that they probably never even had phones to begin with, or fingers with which to use them. He reached into his pocket to pull it out, only to feel worn paper instead. Realizing it was the photograph he grabbed before he leapt into that… hell hole, he left it in his jeans.

“Huh. Must’ve lost it,” he said lamely. “It’s something used for talkin’ to people. You can take it with you, ‘cause it’s got a battery.”

“So, a mobile communication device. Interesting.”

“Yeah, it’s great and all, Purple,” Ryan said impatiently. “But I really gotta get goin’.”

“Where, precisely?” Twilight Sparkle asked, replacing the table back in its proper position and gently lifting Spike out of the wreckage and disregarding the fact that he apparently hadn’t bothered to remember her name. The tiny purple and green dragon looked positively petrified.

Serves him right. Little fucker.

“Home,” he replied flippantly, heading for the small wooden door. After a bit of a skirmish with the door, he finally managed to slip through. Thankfully, he was quite slim, which made it a little easier. Or, it would have made it a little easier, had he not run face first into the muzzle of yet another of these damnable four legged freaks.

“Ow, fuck! My face!”

Ryan heard a high pitched shriek of terror, and before he knew it, a pair of pale yellow hooves had become trapped in his long locks of greasy black shoulder length hair, jerking and yanking this way and that as the pony fought to escape.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!”

“Hold still, hold still!”

“Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Aaaaawaaahaaaaaaagh!”

Pale yellow hooves were pulled roughly from Ryan’s hair (which he at that moment vowed to shear off the moment he got a chance) as a pink bubble encapsulated him, once again. His feet steadily drifted off the ground, and his hands hit the smooth surface of the bubble to keep his balance.

This shit is getting real old, real fast.

Outside the bubble, he could see clearly, despite the heavy shade of pink. However, his hearing was severely dulled, and he couldn’t make out what the ponies standing beneath him were saying. This one, though, didn’t have a horn, bearing a pair of wings instead. From the looks of it, Purple was desperately trying to calm down Yellow, who was lying flat on her back and kicking wildly, looking like she was about to hyperventilate.

Which Ryan probably would have found absolutely hilarious, had his face not been severely aching.

Why is it always the face?

After a few minutes of what looked like heated debate (with much hoof pointing, which just looked weird), the sturdy pink bubble slowly lowered itself and popped with a quiet plink!

“… ‘The fuck did I say about that bubble, Purple,” Ryan growled.

“Er, yes, um… Mist- I mean, Ryan, allow me to introduce my good friend, Fluttershy. Fluttershy is also a good friend. And a friend is not-“

“I’m not retarded,” Ryan muttered, flipping Twilight the bird. “I’m not gonna kill it, Jesus.” After a moment, Ryan ran his hand through his greasy hair, took in a deep breath, leaned down and extended his hand.

“’Sup.”

The small horse… pony… Pegasus… thing stared at his large, rough and jaggedly finger nailed hand with wide eyes, until Twilight slowly dipped her head, giving some cue that everything was fine.

Bullshit, everything’s fine. Break my fuckin’ face, nearly-

“Oh, um, hello…” a tiny voice squeaked out from the pony as it tried to shake Ryan’s hand with one of its tiny hooves. Fluttershy tried lifting it with the edge of her hoof, ready to dart should he move too quickly. She was shaking like a leaf in the wind just looking at him.

Ryan sighed, scratching the back of his head. Jesus. The thing reminded him of a kid he’d often visit in the Children’s Hospital. Tiny Tim, they’d call the boy, mainly because of the crutches.

Not out of any special kindness, or anything. Mostly. But the kid’s caretaker…

She had a nice rack.

Very nice.

Fluttershy’s eyes widened as Ryan’s grin grew to epic proportions stretching over his face like the mouth of a shark. She squeaked, and jolted away from him.

“Er… maybe… we should… go… back inside?” Spike offered helpfully, and Purple stamped one of her hooves, thinking.

“Evidently, we don’t want to cause a panic, so M- I mean, Ryan, I think that’d be best for now.”

Ryan grumbled unhappily, but he could see the logic in that. Then again, he could see a good portion of the town from here, meaning he must be somewhere near the center. And the fun he could have, leading an entire village of animated ponies to believe that they were being besieged by an inter-dimensional monstrosity would be entertaining as hell.

“Perhaps I can find some form of cloaking spell; ooh! Or, maybe long range teleportation, then-“ Purple trailed off, spouting some kind of gibberish about books as she trotted back into the tree house. The small dragon, stalked off behind her, sighing as he pulled a scroll out of… nowhere, apparently, and began to take notes.

For a few seconds, the only two left outside were Ryan and Fluttershy, staring intently at each other. The slight warm breeze and the blissful chirruping of the birds overhead made the situation seem… slightly less tense.

“Look,” Ryan began, attempting to make things right between the two after an awkward silence. A single ally is worth more than a hundred soldiers, or some Confucius bullshit like that his cousin Donald used to spout. “sorry about your… face. An’ all. But, uh. You know, just…”

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, trying to think of the right thing to say.

“Just… if your friend Purple puts me in a bubblegum hamster ball again, I’m gonna punch her in the face.”

Fluttershy blinked, and after a moment of silence, she tilted her small head and smiled at him sweetly, using one of her hooves to beckon him forward. Guessing she had something to say, he doubled over and the tiny yellow pony innocently cupped her hooves over Ryan’s ear, whispering into it like a small child eager to give a wonderful ‘secret’ of the obvious to a parent.

“I swear to Celestia, if you harm a single hair on her mane, I will fuck you up.”

Ryan’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, and his mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out.

“Fluttershy, I think I found something!”

“Co-ming!” she replied in a cheery, sing-song voice as she skipped off toward the tree house, leaving Ryan standing flabbergasted outside as a couple of the townsfolk (townsponies?) began tottering off through the town, a couple of them shooting Ryan strange glances before taking off.

Well.

He had to admit.

He did not see that coming.