My sick roommate will not stop snoring, so guess who's not getting any sleep tonight.

But I'm disappointed. Not in anything on fimfiction, but in my personal life. Remember that A Cappella group I got into? I was so excited to be part of something unique and fun, and something that can mark me as someone cool on campus.

Well, so far the experience has been a huge disappointment.

I wanted to sing with guys while having fun and make some friends too. I've gotten only the first one. They're not bad people, it's just that we don't get anything done in rehearsals. It reminds me of high school choir with people talking and acting like they don't want to be there. Honestly, that mindset is contagious because I'm starting to think like that too.

I was wondering in rehearsal today, which everyone was on edge at, about why I joined, and how I'm getting nothing out of it. Our last gig was probably the most unsatisfying performance I've ever been a part of.

And I didn't realize it, but I'm part of a group that has a reputation for being assholes. So that's a great tag to have.

I work hard for these guys only for subpar gigs and tense rehearsals where we're at each other's throats almost all the time. That kind of toxic atmosphere is not why I joined. I wanted to make beautiful music with a group of talented guys, but I'm getting nothing out of it.

I also just feel like an outcast when I'm there. I really feel like the new guy who's trying to fit in. I've joined other organizations that make you feel more welcome than I do now. I'm sure some guys are trying, but they're outshined by the ones who don't give a damn.

This music we learn is hard, which I fully expected, but we don't have the focus to accomplish these songs in the proper way. We sing at pretty much one dynamic level (volume) and we stand in place and sing. It's kind of lame when you really think about it. We have so much potential, but there's a difference between potential and reality, y'know?

I don't know what to do. We have rehearsal tomorrow, and a gig on Wednesday. I don't want any part of them, because as far as I know, it'll be subpar at best. But I just joined, and I don't want to be a quitter. I also feel like it'd be selfish to quit. At the same time, I don't want to invest my time in a near fruitless endeavor. I could be doing homework or spending time with people who actually seem to like my presence, or both! Also, they don't seem to really notice me at practice. I'm just someone who shows up and leaves. I feel like they'd be just fine without me. At least they didn't charge me anything to join.

I'm just conflicted and sad. I don't want to let these people down, but at the same time I feel like they wouldn't even bat an eye if I wanted to secede from the group. If that's the kind of people I'm working with, people who don't give a damn, then why am I donating my time for this? Then again, I did make a commitment. What if they arecounting on me?

I was so stoked to be a part of this, to finally make awesome and unique music, and it turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. But if I quit, what if I become a disappointment to them?

I don't know what to do, guys. I feel trapped... and sad...