Well, I had another spell yesterday. Amidst all the 80 minute classes, I couldn't get some MLP stuff out my head, concerning the Cutie Map and EG Magic, and another spell hit me. I just felt bad, and I couldn't make it stop.

I just felt sad. And I still do.

But I started to think about why I feel so sad. Why does the Cutie Map bother me so much? Why do the elements of harmony bother me? Why does the EG magic bother me? Why did I write my OC becoming an element against canon? Why do I feel bad about myself whenever I think about Fluttershy ponying up or getting called by the map (or anypony really)?

I think it finally dawned on me.

Insignificance.

I think it was a comment by Art de Triompheon one of my blog posts that made me have this epiphany.

Trigger warning: The rest of this blog post is going to be extremely narcissistic.

We all want to feel important. We all want to know that we contribute something to life. We all want to feel wanted. We all want to feel needed.

I think this is why I have such a problem with the elements of harmony and why I don't like the Cutie Map. These ponies are significant to Equestria. All six of them. As the season 5 finale showed us, all six of them are linked by the sonic rainboom, simultaneously earning their cutie mark indirectly from it (except Rainbow Dash who got it directly from the rainboom). Without that Rainboom, everything in Equestria is different. War ravages the land and everypony fights to survive. In another reality, Equestria is completely gone; nothing but a barren wasteland of nothing.

The main 6 are so important to Equestria, and whenever I watch them get called by the map or do something involving their elements, I just feel insignificant by comparison.

In the EG universe, even though the rules are abstract and frustrating, these girls are still important in the world. Their the only ones who can transform with magic, and without them Sunset would've taken over, or the Sirens would've dominated, and human Twilight would have no reason to investigate CHS and would've never become friend with any of them.

That's why I wrote Insecurity. Coppermane sees Fluttershy do everything she does, and he's amazed by it, but feels tiny by comparison. Then he begs the question: why did she settle for him? Why did she settle for someone so obviously inferior to her when she could have any guy she wants. Why did she choose him? Fluttershy reassures him that he has earned her heart, and says he doesn't have to be able to pony up to be amazing.

At least Coppermane has Fluttershy to tell him that.

I think this is why I feel so sad all the time and why I can't watch the show sometimes. I just feel insignificant.

This is why, even though I'm shy, I strive to be recognized. Why I want to be rewarded for what I do. Why I can't say no. Why I hate disappointing people. I want to feel important. I want to feel integral to the cause. I want to feel like in some way, shape, or form, I'm a cornerstone. It sounds selfish, but it's true. I always wanted to help during choir or theater because I want to show them I'm capable. I wanted to show them that I'm useful. And almost 100% of them time, they would ask someone else. And that someone else is the person that is the cornerstone already. Someone who is already important to the cause. Someone who would cause everything to collapse if they left. I can't remember the last time when someone asked me for help, and asked me first. I'm always at the bottom of the list.

What does that make me? Dead weight?

When I disappoint someone, I know that they realize I'm useless. I fall to the very bottom.

Sometimes I question my intelligence when I fail, because it's usually a petty mistake that could've been avoided. Then I disappoint, and thus I'm useless.

If the main 6 never existed, the world would end.

If I never existed, nothing would be different. Absolutely nothing. I don't mean killing myself, I mean if I were never born at all. If my existence was erased from time completely. In fact, I think life might be better if I weren't here. My parents would have more money. My roommate might have someone more pleasant to share the room with, instead of the quietest, most uninteresting person on earth. My friends could have someone more interesting as their friend. But I guess the last one doesn't matter because we've drifted apart anyways, because I never took any time for them, because I'm a terrible friend. I'm pretty sure everyone hated me in elementary school just because I was so weird. I couldn't help it. I didn't know how to talk to people. I'm autistic, so I didn't know how to communicate in a normal way. Even in middle school, I was the loser. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I felt so lonely, even hitting myself sometimes, punishing myself for being such a loser and a weirdo, and for pissing off everyone around me.

I feel like whenever I'm around people, they put on a happy face, and act like they like me. But when I'm not around, they vent about me. They vent about how annoying I am when I try to be funny, or how I always try to be a part of everything and I don't know my place.

I even talk shit about myself sometimes. It's why I cry myself to sleep. I bully myself in bed, and reduce myself to tears. I just imagine all the reasons why people could possibly hate me, and I picture them yelling at me about it. Or I just mess up really badly and completely ruin something. I just bully myself to tears until I fall to sleep.

I feel like my mind plays tricks on me whenever I have a dream about having a girlfriend. I even had a dream about having a girlfriend but she broke up with me in the meanest way possible, and it turned out she dated me on a dare. Do you know how bad that feels? To know you're so undesirable that the only reason anyone would ever date you is because of a dare? I think that's what my eighth grade crush did. She knew I liked her, and her friends probably dared her to act like she liked me back. And I totally bought it too, until freshman year when I was suddenly invisible again. I probably should've seen it coming, since she was a cheerleader and all. But I feel like if anyone were to ever date me, it would be on a dare. That's the only reason why anyone would "want" me.

Or maybe am significant, in the sense that in some way I ruin everyone's life. Maybe if I were never born, everyone's life would be better in some way. It's possible, right? You don't have to be significant in a good way, right? It could just as likely be in a negative way.

The main 6 are all incredibly important to everything that happens in this world. They embody true harmony and friendship, and share it with everyone. They're all so important that Equestria collapses without them linked together. They're important to the survival of Equestria itself. That's how significant they are.

I feel like the most useless person ever. Every time I try to help, I mess up. Then people can't trust me because they know I'll mess it up. I feel like I contribute nothing, in fact I can't help but feel like I'm a detriment to everyone around me.

I think it's best if I do stay alone, because then I can keep my bothersome tendencies to a minimum.

I can help. Really... I can. But I probably shouldn't. I'll try, but I'll mess it up. Then you'll hate me.

I'm useless. I'm nothing. What am I even doing here?