Tulpae Make You Stupid

As akin to the best men of history, mornings had always been my time of maximum productivity. It was 7 AM and I had already sat up and turned on my computer in bed. And in the blinding light of my screen I had engaged in the age old pass time of looking at pornography but not fapping. Why? I don't really know. Porn holds my attention better than my assigned reading book for school. So I took the time to make a complicated pillow wall to support my head instead of putting it against my rock hard head board and go onto E621 for the next little while. My lap top rested on my bare belly and burned it half to death with its fiery fan exhaust while I sipped some coffee.

All in all, it was a pretty good way to start a Thursday in December. And then it happened.

"Morning Dad." Came a small, boyish voice from beside my bead. The air around me came to a grinding halt while I did my best to process what I had just heard.

"Dad… Dad… Dad… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daaaaaaaaaad."

"Who are you and why are you talking to me?" I said into my mug, feeling something akin to a beagle climb up onto my bed. An orange blob climbed onto the covers and looked at me, a purple fluff of hair coming from its head.

"What kind of level of autism have I reached?"

"That's a weird way to say "good morning"." She turned her attention to the screen, her ears perking up.

"Hey what's that thing?" With a click of the "X" button the page was gone, her disappointment quickly made apparent.

"Aw what? Come on man!"

"What're you doing here?" She gave me a look of confusion, an ear flopping down to show it.

"What do you mean?"

"What're you doing here?!" I more barked than questioned, making some rather angry jazz hands in her general direction. She quivered at my increase in volume, ears flopping down against her head.

"I just wanted to say good morning Dad." She squeaked with a quivering lip, my face pure confusion probably hilarious.

"Dad?! What are you, high?!"

"Looks to me like bed level honestly." With her smarty comment I dismounted my computer from my lap and threw myself out from under the covers, parading out in my undies right in front of the little filly. She covered her gigantic eyes with both hooves as I sighed, searching for my prescription bottle.

"Where is it… I knew I should've read the symptoms before agreeing to this!" I grumbled to myself, digging through a pile of pants in the closet.

"What are you looking for Dad?"

"Stop talking to me."

"Why are you so mean this morning?" She asked innocently, making me stop my movements entirely. God she was cute. And I made her sad. I made Scootaloo sad in my own house in my underwear and it's not even noon yet.

Clearly some life choices of mine had to be thought through with a bit more clarity.

I ran a hand through my disheveled hair and groaned, standing back up and turning to face her.

"Look… I'm not trying to be mean it's just… it's really kinda JARRING to see an orange horse-"

"Pony."

"Hush- climb up into my bed and call me Dad."

"You just adopted me yesterday though! How did you forget?" Of course I didn't have any memory of doing such a thing at all. I clearly remember playing League like a loser until 3 and then crashing, but nothing about adopting a mini horse.

"I don't really know! And given that information I think you can understand why this is kind of a big deal." She rolled her eyes and began to slide herself below the covers, seeming to rather like a pre-warmed set of sheets.

"Well now you know. And I'm gonna steal your bed."

"Why?"

"You look up and about to me." I grumbled once more and went for some pants, getting on a pair of work out shorts and locating my prescriptions in the pocket. I removed it and inspected the label, reading it to myself.

"Warning side effects may include drowsiness, headaches, anal bleeding, explosive ballet dancing, mood swings, futanari cravings and mild hallucinations." Like most people I don't read labels.

"Son of a…" I put the bottle on the night stand and pulled on my own hair in pure stress, trying to imagine how far this could possibly go. Or how far I would let it go. Either way, a mini horse had taken my bed. I took the opportunity to hit the shower, and maybe go down stairs for more coffee. I opened the door and went across the hall towards the bathroom, a rustle and a series of clopping hooves following after me. Half way through the door frame I stopped myself and peered back, seeing Scootaloo sitting in the middle of the hallway staring up at me like a serial killer.

"Can I help you?"

"Whatchya doin?" She asked simply, as if her supposed it Dad wasn't just about to get wet and naked.

"Um… I'm gonna shower?"

"Really? Can I watch?" At that instant the door was shut behind me. Trying to shake off that weird question I proceeded to get the water running, waiting what seemed like 7 centuries for the water to actually get warm. In that time, the sound of hooves scratching against the door nearly made me jump out of my pantaloons.

"Daaaaaaaaaaad." Scoot whined from behind the door, another groan escaping me.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad."

"What?!"

"Can I have a pillow?"

"A pillow?"

"Yeah, the floor is really uncomfortable." I bound up and opened the door to see her curled up near the edge of the door frame, looking up at me expectantly.

"What's this?"

"Waiting for you to get out."

"You have a bed you know."

"Not close enough."

"Are you being completely serious with me right now?'

"Yes." She answered with a squeak, her little snoot scrunched up happily and ears perked.

"I can't believe this…" I went ahead and walked into my room across the hall, grabbing the pillow off my bed and throwing in front of her on the floor.

"There. Now please let me shower."

"Can you move it for me?"

"SCOOTS." I barked to myself, cringing in irritation. Before she could reply I grabbed her little body up and slid the pillow against the wall, folding it over for maximum fluffiness. I placed her on top of it and stared at her intensely, waiting for her to stop spinning about like a dog before it lays down. She smiled happily and snuggled into the pillow, looking up at me with one open eye.

"Thank you." With that I closed the door once more, ready to wash the sleepies out of my eyes and get back to the immense amount of stupidity going on outside that door. Luckily I was able to enjoy my shower. Brush my teeth, clean my face and generally make myself not reek like a Somalian Village at 3 in the afternoon. It was a nice feeling. Being clean and sparkly makes a man feel good about himself. Until he looks downwards. Soon after that disappointment subsided I relaxed against the wall of the tub, just letting the water wash over me and soothe my aching muscles. Or… whatever it is that I got in there these days.

"BOO!"

"BWAAAAAH!" The peace was destroyed by the splayed legs of an orangy blob jumping into the basin of the tub with me, landing square on my face.

"ALIEN! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" I thrashed about and pulled at her back with both hands, making quite a racket with her maniacal giggling mixing into the carnage.

"RAWR! Give me your brains!" I pulled her off and nearly punted her across the room, instead placing her on the shower floor and jumping back up. Cupping my goofy bits and grabbing a towel I exited the tub to shut off the water, a pair orange ears poking out from under the curtains.

"What is your major malfunction?!" I shouted at her smiling, wet face, her tail wagging vigorously behind her.

"That was fun Dad! Do it again!" I sneered at her and gripped my towel tightly, our eyes not diverging from one and others for a good while. Then she sneezed. My concentration was rather thrown off.

"Scoots how'd you even get in here?"

"Door was unlocked."

"You don't have thumbs!"

"I have intuition." I rubbed my forehead and pushed the door open, pointing towards my room.

"Out. Let me shower." Little did I know however, I had poked my mom directly in the boob as she stood in the door with probably the most terrifying look of confusion and anger plastered on her face.

"What's going on in here?" She asked raggedly, dressed only in her ugly robe and even more hideous bunny slippers. My mind had to race quickly to determine an answer that would make me sound like less of a psychopath right about now, slowly drawing my finger away from my mother's breast.

"Um… shower talk?" She wasted no time in jerking me by the ear out of the steamy bathroom and barging in herself, slamming the door and locking it.

"Wow. Grandma's kind of scary." Every fiber of my being immediately had a heart attack at that moment, a certain deformed horse monster grabbing onto my bare leg.

"CHRIST ON A BICYCLE." I yelped at her touch, nearly falling straight on my butt from the blob currently attacking my walking limb.

"How'd you get out of there?!"

"Magic?" I groaned and simply tried to drag me and my newly lame leg into my room, hoping to avoid another encounter with a family member. I closed the door and locked it, moving to pull the invasive horse beast. She didn't go without a fight.

Between keeping the towel protecting her innocence tightly wrapped about my waist and ripping her off, falling on my booty was a given. I went down and smacked my head on my desk chair, getting dazed pretty intensely.

"Whoa… Dad you're kinda stupid." I grumbled and rubbed my throbbing skull, feeling her warm, fuzzy little arms slide off my leg.

"Don't you have something to do besides harassing me when I'm naked?" I questioned while reaching back to make sure there was no brain coming out of my head.

"Not really. Waiting for you to get ready so I can get some breakfast." She stepped back and allowed me to stand, watching as I made for the closet and obtained a pair of unwashed pants.

"Wait outside then… I'll make you some… toast or something."

"What? No pancakes?" She asked as if slapped.

"Pancakes? What makes you think we have pancakes?" She shrugged and turned away from me with the sight of my pants. She covered both eyes with her hooves and thankfully let me change, turning back at the sounds of my belt jingling. She watched with intense interest while I dressed, her tail swishing about happily.

Once I was properly clothed and ready to actually move, we both set out for the dinner table downstairs, her taking a seat on top of the table and watching me go through the cabinets. There was pretty much nothing in the shelves, besides brown rice, spaghetti noodles and pancake mi-

"Where did you get this?" I asked accusingly to the orange filly, ripping the box from the container and showing it to her.

"I didn't buy it Dad, you did." I further inspected the box, frowning harder at the sight.

"I'm very, very sure that the grocery store doesn't sell Mamma Derpy's flappy wappy jacks."

"The price sticker's still on it." Scoots pointed out, poking the corner and showing the tag that the local store used. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, simply accepting this incredibly strange occurrence.

"How do you like your pancakes?"

"Crispy!" She yipped happily, bouncing in her seat. It was rather easy to mix the batter into a disgusting blob of sticky starch. It was rather terrifying that the powder even came out of the box that I was previously convinced didn't even exist. But here it was, getting stirred with some water in a plastic bowel like any other dough thingy.

Within 5 minutes a plate of crispy, slightly burnt pancakes was presented to the filly. Her joy was infectious. It called for antibiotics. Because of her lack of thumbs or… hands in general, she left it up to me to pour her syrup for her.

"Say when." A simple command. A very simple method to prevent a miscommunication on the front of syrup pouring. Yet she said NOTHING. No words, squeaks, meeps-ANYTHING came out of her orange little face for seconds. Eventually the plate was covered entirely in syrup, the absurd levels causing a moment of pause.

"Why'd you stop?"

"You're supposed to say "when"."

"I know. I'm waiting for there to be enough syrup."

"There's already enough syrup here to drown an entire African village."

"It's not enough though." I rolled my tired eyes and let the syrup pour just a bit longer, her big eyes focusing on the pooling glob of amber intensely.

"Aaaaaaaand… stop." She said with a hoof in my direction, a quarter of the bottle gone and pancakes not much but wet pillows of sugar.

"Seriously?"

"Thanks Dad!" She squeaked with an adorable smile, digging into her disgusting breakfast snoot first and nibbling away. She seemed content enough. And I was hungry. So I simply let her gobble up her breakfast while I went to make my own.

Burnt toast covered in butter with even more coffee.

All was well and good 5 minutes later when the breakfast was complete, until another 5 seconds passed. When my eyes fell upon where Scootaloo once sat for breakfast. Her plate had been left right where it was, now surrounded by smears of sticky syrup. The two pancakes still lay right where I had left them, only one of them half nibbled through. In a beat of frustration, my healthy breakfast was placed on the table and my body carried down the hall in search of the orange blob thing. I entered the living room to find the TV turned to some brainless cartoon show, Scootaloo laying upside down on the couch with her head over the edge.

"Hey Dad." She said simply, her little legs kicking a bit above her body.

"You didn't finish your breakfast."

"No I did." She retorted smartly, her attention not entirely focused away from the TV.

"You didn't. There's still a plate and a mess on the table in there."

"I couldn't eat any more. What am I supposed to do?"

"What do you mean you couldn't eat any more?!" I asked with waning patience, taking a step closer to her and raising the tone of my voice to that of "WHY?!".

"Too syrupy." At that moment the gland in my brain that handled sensible interpretation of the world pretty much gave up and went back to bed. Leaving me with only one response.

"Alright, fine, jeez." With that I went into the kitchen once more to retrieve my life sustaining crap. Scootaloo's plate was placed in the sink, the river of syrup and blobs of burnt doe were placed in the trash. The massive splat was pretty funny I must admit. Finally I could nom on my toasty, getting into the living room and putting it on the coffee table before me. Scoot continued to lay upside down next to me, both of us enjoying some stupid kid show.

"They really don't put effort into these shows." I mumbled to her.

"Not really… can we watch adult cartoons?"

"Yes." I answered simply, putting it on the DVR. We simply enjoyed it while I ate up on my crappy food, every now and again letting Scootaloo have a sip of coffee. It was peaceful actually. Sitting with an adorable pony and having a mug of brown liquid before school, was rather relaxing.

The toast was gone and the coffee was finished by 7:45, time for me to go school.

"What do you do when I go to school?" I asked to Scoots, watching her flop back onto her hooves.

"Go to school too?" She said obviously, stretching her little legs. I stood up and made for my backpack, finding another one placed next to it. Scoots came by and put it on her back, shaking it into place.

"Oh… where is it?"

"It's on the way. I'll just follow you until we get there." She said simply, watching me open the door and making her way out into the brisk, early winter air. I closed the door and followed after her, her staying close to me while going down the sidewalk. It was strange how focused she was. As if she had made this walk many, many times before and knew exactly where she was going.

Which made for an awkward walk really. Constantly trying not to step on her and just staring straight into the breeze. It was a short-ish walk. About 10 minutes to the school yard. Once we were there however, things immediately got about 4 times trippier.

"Scootaloo!" A squeal of a voice called out, the clopping of hooves rushing towards her. I caught Sweetie Belle and Applebloom running up to her with similar bags on their backs, both wearing stupid smiles.

"Hey guys! Give me just a sec I gotta say bye to my Dad." She turned to me and nuzzled my shin quickly, her tail wagging.

"Meet ya after school here?" She asked innocently, getting a nod from me.

"Sure… sure why not." I grumbled, more focused on Sweaty and Apple kaboom waving hello to me.

"Thanks Dad!" She turned quickly and ran off with her friends towards the woods. Really, by now I felt I needed to see the school nurse. So I did my best to simply get my butt to the picnic tables out back and not have a break down.

The tables were a nice place to sit at this time of day. Quiet, table like and I had made liberty to spread a rumor around that they were haunted by the souls of long dead Native Americans. Teenagers are moronic enough to buy anything really. That being said though, my peace of mind ( As well as my homework completing ) was broken when the sound and feel of something crawling up to sit next to me came across my ears. My head quickly snapped side ways to spot a gray pony with a yellow mess of hair on its head, it's golden, giant eyes skewed hilariously.

"Holy Mary mother of Joseph." I uttered under my breath, Derpy Hooves sitting next to me in a baggy green sweater.

"H-hi Steve." She said nervously, her little wings fluttering a bit against her back.

"Wait… wh-… uh…" I stuttered. Not for the fact that yet ANOTHER horse had suddenly appeared in front of me, but because she knew my name.

"I heard you adopted a little filly… that's really sweet of you." She said sweetly, blushing hard and refusing to look at me directly.

"Um… sure. Why do you care?"

"Oh I don't know… it just seems a young, nice boy like you would be doing other things than raising foals."

"Am I not being informed or something? Can I get like a police officer or a priest to explain what's going on around here?!" I started questioning to no one in particular, pulling on my hair. Derpy simply put a hoof to my mouth and shushed me, smiling sweetly.

"I'm just telling you, if you ever need someone to talk to or need some help with Scootaloo… just come to me." With a final wink her gray blob of a body removed itself from the bench and trotted off towards the parking lot. Tail a swishin and tripping on a pebble.

"I need to get into a different TV show…" I said quietly to myself, unable to do anything else besides watch Derpy flop about trying to find her way out of the busy parking lot.