The Wraith Writer of Equestria

(We’re so sorry)

Act One

Celestia sighed. She was sitting alone on the balcony outside her quarters and it was another day in Equestria, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the usual. It wasn’t that Celestia didn’t like things to be like this, it was just that I had been like this for years. It was so…boring.

Celestia wished that, just once, something interesting would happen. Something exciting, something wild. Something would just come out of the blue.

Ask and ye shall receive.

There was a sound that one could describe as the fabric of the universe tearing followed by a thud, then the first sound in reverse.

Celestia turned around and saw a…thing getting to its feet in her chambers. Wait, she knew what these things were called…Humans, that was it.

The human was a male, skin tanned and hair dark. He was wearing a white suit jacket and pants, white shoes, white gloves, and had a white top hat perched on his head. He was carrying a cane.

“Well, not the best landing yet. Not the worst either. Freaking Ravenholem.” he said as he dusted himself off, apparently unaware of Celestia’s being there.

“What in my name?” Celestia said.

The human’s head sprung up at the sound of her voice, staring at her.

“Ah, hello. Princess Celestia, huh? Well, definitely better than Ravenholem.” he said.

“Who are you?” Celestia asked. And then she remembered she was wearing her, rather thin, nightwear for comfort. Hiding herself behind her bed, she demanded “And how the hay did you get in here?!”

“Oh, wow, such conflicting feelings here.” he took the cane in both hands and stamped the end onto the floor with a solid thump. There was a flash of light after which the human spoke again. “There, I fixed it.”

Celestia blinked, she felt…different. Then she looked down.

She had been, changed. She was no longer standing on four legs, rather two. Her two forelegs here no longer legs, rather they appeared to be hands. The ends of her legs still ended in hooves, although to see this, Celestia had to look over her prominent bust. (What?) Looking over her shoulder, she saw that she had retained her tail as well and a glance upwards saw that her horn had remained. The whole of her body was still covered in pristine white fur, her face still felt the same, and where a normal woman would have hair, her long, rainbow-colored mane remained.

“What the hell?” Celestia said.

The human shrugged. “Reality warping powers. Only work when the plot demands it though.”

“I’m…different.” Celestia said, her hand exploring her new body. (Not like that, unfortunately.)

“Yes, I’ve anthromorphisized you. And quite honestly, if you’ve been to the internet you’d realize that this is quite modest.” he said.

“I don’t have wings, why?”

“Budget cuts.”

“Who are you?” Celestia repeated.

The human gave and exaggerated bow and flourish. “The Wraith Writer of Lore, at your service. Not like that mind you, this is a PG-13 work.”

“…What are you talking about?”

“I am speaking of those less than savory types that frequent the fanfic-verse for the sole purpose of uploading and acquiring works of a sexual and sometimes sickening nature. Recently I found a pretty funny one that included a banana.”

“I’m confused.”

“Then allow me to sum up. I am the being known as the Wraith Writer, my purpose is to amuse both myself and others. I have come here, used my totally awesome powers to make you anthromorphic, and now I intend to go on a fabulous journey and I would very much like if you would come with me.”

“You want me to come with you?” Celestia asked.

“Of course, a companion such as yourself would be invaluable. You are intelligent, strong, sexy, compassionate, and most importantly, you’ll blend right in.”

Celestia blushed. “You’re flatter me.”

“You deserve to be flattered. So, want to go on a magical journey of awesome?”

Celestia thought back to only five minutes earlier, when she was bored out of her skull. What was the harm in accepting this human’s offer? She was a goddess after all, so things couldn’t get too bad. Right?

Celestia nodded. “Alright, I’ll go with you.”

“Ballin’! I mean, you won’t regret it, Princess.”

“Please, call me Celestia.”

“As you wish and I would like to be referred to as Wolfsheim.”

“Wolfsheim, eh? Sounds…sexy.” Wait, what?

“It does, doesn’t.” the Wraith Writer said, smiling. “Anyway, allow me to open the gateway to Adventure!”

The Wraith Writer tapped the end of his cane on the ground and, nothing happened. Everything was still for about a minute until Celestia opened her mouth to ask if something had gone wrong. At that precise moment, the ground beneath them both shattered and they fell into a black void.

*****

They landed on their feet a short while later. They were surrounded by humans, scores of them, many dressed in rather strange manners. There were also many booths with more oddly dressed humans inside them, lines of more humans standing near these booths. All this seemed to be in a large warehouse.

“Welcome to ComicCon! The single greatest gathering of scum and nerds. You could not ask for a more hellish convene. Well, I’m sure AnimeCon could give them a run for their money.” Wolfsheim said, sweeping his arms outward. This display got few looks.

Celestia blinked in confusion. ComicCon, why - wait, she was still wearing her nightwear! Celestia hurriedly covered herself with her hands.

“Why the hell did you bring me here dressed like this?!” Celestia demanded in a hushed whisper.

Wolfsheim looked at her confused. “I thought you looked nice.”

“Nice!?” Celestia hissed. “I’m practically naked!”

Wolfsheim blinked. “I don’t think so. The robe actually covers you rather well.”

Celestia tilted her head and then looked down at herself. She was no longer wearing her nightwear, but rather a regal looking outfit that while form-fitting was modest. It was white, long-sleeves, and the pants allowed for a free range of movement for her legs. Around her neck was her golden necklace.

She also noticed that she more looked like she was feeling herself up than covering herself.

Celestia jerked her hands away and blushed hotly. “You could have warned me.”

Wolfsheim shrugged.

Celestia sighed and looked around again. “So, why are we here?”

“Well, I’d look pretty silly showing up for ComicCon by myself.”

Celestia looked back to her companion. “I’m just your date?”

“Of course not. If you were you’d be dressed sluttier.”

“What?!”

“Kidding, kidding!” Wolfsheim said as he began walking, beckoning Celestia.

With a grumble, the sun-goddess followed. “So, what do people do here?” she asked.

Wolfsheim shrugged. “Lots of things. They meet with friends, meet with the people responsible for their favorite things, buy things, get autographs, you know, that kind of stuff. But, mostly they come here to argue about fictional things that don’t actually matter in real life. By the way, if anyone asks if Balrogs have wings, don’t answer!”

“Why are you here?”

“To make sure people know that Han shot first!” Wolfsheim smiled. “You know, important stuff.”

“Right.” Celestia nodded, hiding a grin till Wolfsheim turned around. Celestia then asked, “Not that I mind, but shouldn’t people be more concerned that there’s a large horse here?”

“First of all, you’re six-two, so don’t get cocky. Second of all, this is ComicCon! People will just assume you’re a cosplayer… a really good one.”

Celestia nodded. As she scanned the crowed, she noticed a number of humans wearing costumes that resembled several of the ponies she knew, in varying degrees of believability. She saw Twilights, Pinkie Pies, Applejacks, Fluttershys, Rainbow Dashes, and Raritys. She even saw one of herself! Although, it wasn’t overly realistic. My horn is not that big!

Averting her eyes from the debacle someone dared to call a costume, Celestia noticed someone making their way through the crowd toward them. This person was dressed as a ninja, but there were some obvious mistakes. Chief among them were the sandals.

“Princess Celestia?” the human asked as he got close.

“Yes?”

The human suddenly pulled a sword from a scabbard.

“Move!” Wolfsheim suddenly shouted.

Celestia reacted on instinct; she jumped back, intent on using her wings. Oh wait. The goddess of the sun managed to avoid embarrassment by not landing on her rump, barley.

Meanwhile, Wolfsheim had used his cane to block the ninja’s sword, shoving the assassin back and jabbing him in the stomach. This sent the ninja flying backwards as if hit with a battering ram.

Wolfsheim spun the cane in his hands. “You don’t mess with the cane.”

Suddenly a dozen more historically incorrectly dressed ninjas appeared.

“Aw crap.”

The ninjas leapt forward, drawing swords. Wolfsheim pulled on the end of his cane, drawing forth a sword. He met the ninjas head on, blocking with both sword and sheath. He shoved opponents back, stabbing, slashing, and clubbing any enemy he could.

Several ninjas broke off from attacking Wolfsheim to come after Celestia. The sun-goddess panicked and ran. Wolfsheim saw her running and with a curse, disengaged from his current opponents and gave chase.

Celestia barreled through the crowd, cursing her convenient lack on wings. She accidentally knocked several people over, apologizing profusely. The ninjas rushed after her, weaving around bystanders, though a few tripped and fell.

Wolfsheim was on the same path, with his own tail of ninjas.

More like ‘nonjas’ really. They act like real ninjas but their costumes are wildly inaccurate. Wait, that’s the point! They are dressed badly to so as to blend in! That’s brilliant! Who would be so dastardly to think up such a plan? Well, I would, but I don’t think I’d try to kill me so…

Wolfsheim realized that he was never going to be able to catch nonjas chasing Celestia, and he couldn’t outrun those chasing him.

“Screw this.” Wolfsheim said as he halted.

He sheathed his cane sword and as he spun to face his opponents, drew a black Desert Eagle from a concealed shoulder holster. The large pistol boomed and a nonja fell. The gun fired several more times, dropping several more nonjas. The few remaining scattered.

Turning back, Wolfsheim sighted along the barrel of his weapon and fired again, hitting one of the nonjas chasing Celestia. At their comrades’ death, the mostly black-garbed warriors turned and began running towards Wolfsheim.

The Wraith Writer grinned and holstered his back-up weapon. He held his cane at the ready until the nonjas were almost on top of him. He then slammed his cane into the ground, the shockwave throwing nonjas in all directions.

“Terrible what passes for ninjas these days.” Wolfsheim deadpanned.

Celestia came up beside him, breathing heavily. “Wow *pant* that was *pant* amazing.”

“Thank you.” Wolfsheim said, pretending to brush dust from his sleeves.

There was a pause and Celestia suddenly said, “Do you want to see me kiss another woman?” What the hell?

Wolfsheim looked at her. “…Is this a trick question?”

Before Celestia could answer, although she had no idea what to say, scores on nonjas appeared.

“Never mind, it’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum and -! Okay, which jerkass stole my gum!”

The nonjas didn’t answer, choosing instead to rush forward, their intent to crush their opponents by sheer weight of numbers. But the Wraith Writer was ready.

“Zerg Rushing isn’t a legitimate strategy!” he shouted as he batted nonjas away with his cane.

Celestia managed to not run away this time, and even kicked a few nonjas back, but there were too many.

“If only I had a crowbar, or duct tape, or rope, or a shotgun.” Wolfsheim said as he sent a nonja arcing through the air.

But it would seem that for every nonja they knocked away, two more took his place. It was a losing battle and Wolfsheim knew he had to think of something quick.

Luckily, the universe thought of something first.

There was a tremendous crash and the roar of a motorcycle filled the convention hall. There were shotgun blasts followed by nonjas flying through the air. The nonjas were then tossed like rag dolls as a large motorcycle came barreling through their ranks.

The motorcycle stopped right next to Wolfsheim and Celestia. Its rider was a large, muscular man dressed in black leather with a pair on sunglasses. He held a lever-action shotgun in his right hand.

“Come with me if you want to live.” he said in a deep, thickly accented voice.

“Kay.” said Wolfsheim as he helped Celestia onto the massive bike. He jumped on behind her and they took off.

The nonjas tried to give chase, but they were no match for the rumbling hog. Wolfsheim, Celestia, and their mysterious rescuer went through the hole in the convention wall, leaving their foes in the dust.

“Wow, that was totally spectacular, dude!” said one convention goer to his friend.

“Eh, the one dressed like Celestia wasn’t very convincing.”

The motorcycle roared across the desert. However, it began to slow down and soon was more so drifting along. It came to a stop just outside a gas station and its riders dismounted.

“Thank you for saving us.” Celestia said “And don’t take this the wrong way, but, what are you?”

“I am a T-800, assigned to find you and your friend and bring you to a safe place.” the biker answered in a near monotone voice.

“I don’t -” Celestia began before Wolfsheim cut her off.

“He’s the Governator.”

“Really?”

“Affirmative.” said the biker. “This was my designation.”

“See.” Wolfsheim said.

“Alright then. So what’s this safe place?” Celestia asked.

“The magical land of Equestria.” the Governator answered.

There was a pause and then Wolfsheim said, “Awesome.”

“How are we supposed to get there?” Celestia asked.

“Your friend has an object that should help us.” the Governator said.

“Ah yes,” Wolfsheim said, holding up his cane. “Shall we be off?”

“The quicker the better.” the Governator replied.

“All right then, everyone ready?”

Both Celestia and the Governator nodded.

“Then hold on.”

“To what?” Celestia asked.

“Uh, just… damn it Tia.”

Wolfsheim stamped his cane into the ground and they were falling again.

******

“‘Go to Equestria,’ they said. ‘Nothing bad happens there,’ they said!” Wolfsheim grumbled.

“Who’s they?” asked Celestia.

“It’s complicated, better not to ask.”

“Okay.” Celestia said slowly.

Wolfsheim sighed. Both he and Celestia were sitting in cells. Grimy, black iron cells that smelled like fish. At least, Wolfsheim hoped it was fish.

Both he and Celestia had had an unfortunate encounter the Equestrian side of the portal. Once there, the Governator had attacked both of them. The cyborg had had surprise on his side and had quickly subdued the two.

When Wolfsheim had regain consciousness, he had found himself next to a still unconscious Celestia in the cell. Keeping his thoughts as pure as was humanly possible, Wolfsheim had detangled himself from the sun-goddess and taken stock of his surroundings and the current situation.

In the time between his awakening and now, Wolfsheim had determined that the Governator wasn’t actually on their side, and that they were both in the same grimy, iron cell, and that cell smelled of fish.

Not bad for an hour’s work.

But what baffled Wolfsheim was why the Governator had betrayed them. If they were marked for termination than he should have killed them when they were unconscious. But instead he had put them in this cell. Why?

Celestia was similarly confused. The Governator had saved them from the nonjas, why would he then put them here? He had to be working for someone, but who, er, whom? Who would go through the trouble of kidnapping both her and Wolfsheim?

As she heard the creak of rusty hinges, Celestia felt she was about to get her answer.

Dark figures approached the cell, their forms vaguely humanoid, their features shrouded. They grabbed both Celestia and Wolfsheim, hauling them to their feet.

Wolfsheim suddenly lashed out, knocking a guard away, but before he could do much more he was grabbed by another pair of guards and jabbed with a syringe. He struggled for a moment, and then went slack in the guards’ arms.

Celestia felt another syringe jab her and it felt as though her bones had turned to jelly, slumping near lifelessly in the guards grip. But she was still aware of herself, she could still see, but she couldn’t move. It was terrifying. Celestia felt something very near to panic fill her chest, a feeling she hadn’t had in years, decades, centuries.

Wait, oh no. No that’s impossible.

The guards dragged both Celestia and Wolfsheim out of the cell and through the door. It was dark and due to the fact that Celestia had no muscle control she had no idea where she was. But she was sure she had glimpsed the night sky several times.

After a short while, the guards sat Celestia and Wolfsheim down in chairs and made them upright. They then secured several bonds on the chairs and then left.

Celestia could feel control slowly return to her body and she was able to begin looking around. She was in a large stone chamber, which was almost throne-like. In fact, it was a lot like a throne room. There were several tattered tapestries hanging on the walls and the partially shredded remains of a carpet leading from a pair of large wooden doors to where Celestia and Wolfsheim were now seated.

“Where the hell are we?” Wolfsheim asked groggily.

“I’m not sure, but it seems familiar.” Celestia replied.

And then the doors were thrown open.

Both Celestia and Wolfsheim ducked reflexively at the loud noise and were treated to the sight of a pair of black hooves walking across the carpet towards them. Not four, two. They slowly raised their heads and saw short black-as-the-night-sky fur covering the walker’s legs. Their eyes continued upwards as the walker got closer, revealing a rather immodest skirt. The skirt was attached to a tunic that was dark blue tunic that seemed to be lined with metal. As their eyes went higher, they were confronted with a large pair of barely contained breasts.

Wolfsheim eyes stopped. Celestia reached over, a chain connecting the manacle on her wrist to the chair, and pushed his head higher.

Eyes traveled up a little farther, and were greeted by a horse-like face (More horse than human that is) framed by long, midnight blue hair that waved like Celestia’s. Icy blue-green eyes watched them with nigh maniacal amusement, white teeth revealed by lips curled in a crazed smile. A black unicorn horn rose from the being’s forehead, a mirror of Celestia’s. Violet eye shadow completed the effect.

“Hello, Sister-Dear.” said the black Mare in a sultry voice like silk.

“Nightmare-Moon,” Celestia said, seemingly in awe.

Nightmare-Moon chuckled. “It has been so long since we have heard your voice, Sister-Dear. And never would we think to hear you say our name with such a tone. We find it… pleasing.”

“Luna, I-”

Nightmare-Moon’s demeanor changed in an instant. Her lips twisted into a snarl, her eyes narrowed, and the whole room seemed to grow darker. “Never call us that!” she hissed, her voice now thick with rage. “Never!”

The next instant Nightmare-Moon seemed to regain control of herself and was back to her previous, sultry self.

To get herself back on tract, the former Mare-in-the-Moon turned her attention to Wolfsheim.

“I see you have brought a friend, Sister. Mmm, not another lover I hope.” she brushed a hand against Wolfsheim’s cheek. “It would be a shame if we were to steal this one too.”

Wolfsheim chuckled nervously. “I’m, er, not her boyfriend.”

“So you are, how do people say it now, available.” Nightmare-Moon said in a breathy voice, invading Wolfsheim’s personal space.

Wolfsheim chuckled nervously some more. “Uh, nice weather we’re having.”

“Cute.” Nightmare-Moon said in barely a whisper.

“Lulu.” Celestia said suddenly.

Nightmare-Moon’s eyes flashed and she growled as leaned away from Wolfsheim.

“What did we say, you -”

“Why have you brought us here?”

Nightmare-Moon paused.

“You have a reason, don’t you?” Celestia said, trying to goad the fallen princess.

Nightmare-Moon chuckled. “Of course we have a reason, Sister-Dear.”

Nightmare-Moon turned and walked a few feet away and then spread her arms wide. “We have had you brought here for a grand purpose. You see, we have had a long time to think in our captivity. And while we were imprisoned, we discovered our true role in the world. Our grand purpose.”

“And just what is that, Sister?”

“Why, to rule over all of Equestria, of course.”

Celestia shook her head. “But you did rule, right next to me, like it was intended.”

“Lies!” Nightmare-Moon suddenly shouted, before composing herself once again. “We cannot rule together and never will. There can never be two rulers of Equestria.” Nightmare-Moon drew her head back and shouted to the heavens. “There can be only One!”

A bolt of lightning spilt the sky at that moment, framing Nightmare-Moon and, coincidently, the scene itself. The bolt vanished and Nightmare-Moon lowered her head to stare intently at her sister.

“So, you’re Highlanders?” Wolfsheim asked.

Nightmare-Moon glared at him.

“Enough, Sister. What do you want?” Celestia demanded.

Nightmare-Moon’s smile twister in one of soulless laughter as her voice dropped any and all teasing. “We want your head, Sister-Dear.”

Nightmare-Moon’s horn glowed with power and Celestia’s shackles were undone. Celestia herself was suddenly jerked from her seat by an unseen force and was brought to Nightmare-Moon.

“Stand.” Nightmare-Moon ordered, bringing Celestia to her feet. “We are sorry, Sister-Dear. But we would be lying if we said that we were not going to enjoy this.”

Nightmare-Moon pulled a sword from behind a pillar and raised it to eyelevel, apparently checking its sharpness. Celestia struggled where she stood, but was apparently held in place by Nightmare-Moon’s magic.

Nightmare-Moon approached Celestia and got very close to her, whispering as though to a lover. “It won’t hurt. And we’ll make sure to take care of that delightful student of yours.”

Nightmare-Moon stepped back and raised her blade, lining it up with Celestia’s neck. She drew back, swung…, and hit nothing but air.

Nightmare-Moon blinked, Celestia was right where she had been a moment ago. Nightmare-Moon swung again, but still failed to hit her sister. Growling, Nightmare-Moon drew back, intent on stabbing Celestia to keep her in place.

This time Nightmare-Moon saw it. She saw her sister’s yellow aura appear, overlaying her own. Celestia suddenly burst forward, dropping to the ground. Nightmare-Moon nearly screamed in anger.

“Now you DIE!” she roared.

“Mistress…” said a voice.

Nightmare-Moon whirled around, ready to strangle someone with her bare hands. “What!?” she snarled.

Her minion practically shriveled under her gaze. He was holding Wolfsheim‘s cane and gun. “I thought you wanted…”

“We are busy!” she hissed through clenched teeth.

Her minion nodded meekly and made to leave, only to suddenly be tackled by Wolfsheim. The Wraith Writer grappled with Nightmare-Moon’s servant briefly and soon had him in a chokehold with the cane. He took the big pistol and held it against the underling’s head.

“How?” Nightmare-Moon demanded.

“Let’s say you shouldn’t leave sharp shards of stone lying around someone who knows how to pick locks with sharp shards of stone.” Wolfsheim said as he cocked the hammer on the pistol. “Drop the sword or I drop him.”

Nightmare-Moon smiled. “Cute.” she then suddenly pulled an engraved pistol from her tunic and shot her underling. “But everyone is expendable.” she sneered.

Before she could fire again, Nightmare-Moon suddenly felt her legs be swept out from underneath her. She landed on her ass, hard, jarring both sword and gun from her grip. The gun went off and Wolfsheim yelped as a bullet whizzed by his leg.

“Running now.” he said, tucking his gun away and charging forward, catching up Celestia in the process.

The two made for a large hole in the wall at a dead run. They leapt through it just as Nightmare-Moon regained her feet and weapon, dodging bullets that ricocheted off stone or flew off into the night.

Nightmare-Moon screamed as her sister and that human disappeared from her sight. She nearly threw her gun in frustration. She then heard footsteps behind her and turned to see that hulking not-human appear in the doorway.

“Find them! Now!” she shouted at the sunglasses wearing cyborg, who simply nodded and raced away.

Nightmare-Moon turned her gaze back to the hole her sister had escaped through. This was not over.

******

Wolfsheim and Celestia raced through the woods, knocking aside branches and trampling bushes.

“Well, the bad news is that your sister somehow escaped from the moon and wants both of us dead.” Wolfsheim said. “But the good news is that I think she has the hots for me so we have that.”

“How is that a good thing?” Celestia asked.

“Well, she might not just shoot me if she catches us.”

“Let’s just try not getting caught.”

They continued to run and soon came across a road. There was a garage nearby.

“Okay, garage, there could be a car in there.” Wolfsheim said, trying to catch his breath.

“Oh what I wouldn’t give for my wings.” Celestia said, breathing heavily.

“What I wouldn’t give for my god-like powers to not stop working at plot-important moments.”

Wolfsheim began walking towards the building when he noticed a figure standing in the road. The figure was tall, handsome, and very pale, though he had the appearance of a human.

After a moment of staring, Wolfsheim said, “Cedric? Cedric Diggory? I thought you were dead.”

Cedric started walking towards them. “I here to help y-”

That was as far as he got before Wolfsheim pulled out his gun and shot him several times. As the man fell to the ground, Wolfsheim said, “Goddamn zombies.”

Cedric suddenly staggered to his feet. “Why did you-”

Wolfsheim cut him off again, shouting “Oh my god! I shot him four times with a .44 magnum! Why are you not dead?”

Wolfsheim suddenly took off for the garage, leaving Celestia with Cedric.

“Is he always like this?” he asked her.

Celestia shrugged, staring at Cedric. “Cedric, how is it that you aren’t dead?”

“I’m not Cedric, my name is Edward. I’m a-”

Wolfsheim does not want this guy to finish a sentence, does he?

Edward was cut off again when Wolfsheim suddenly reappeared driving a black Charger. He floored it and ran Edward over, earning a squeak from Celestia.

The car bounced twice as it rolled over Edward. Wolfsheim stopped the car, put it in reverse, and rolled over Edward again. Then he put it in drive and drove over the poor guy again.

“Triple-tap.” Wolfsheim said to Celestia. “Never can be too careful.”

Edward slowly got up, groaning in pain.

“What, he’s still alive? Ah, that’s bullshit.” Wolfsheim said, getting out of the car. “Maybe if I found some explosives…”

“Wait!” Edward said, holding his hands up. “Wait, I’m on your side.”

“Oh really, prove it.”

“I didn’t attack you earlier.”

“So? It could just be a trick.”

“What do I have to do to convince you I’m on your side?”

Wolfsheim thought a moment, and then looked to Celestia. “Trust me?” he asked her.

Celestia shrugged, “More or less.”

Wolfsheim nodded and turned to Edward. Taking out his gun he said, “If you’re really on our side, shoot yourself in the foot.”

Edward stared at Wolfsheim. “You’re serious?”

“Come on.”

Edward sighed. “I hate my job.” He took the gun from Wolfsheim and grimacing, pointed it at his own foot.

The gun boomed and Edward gritted his teeth in pain.

“Okay, I trust you.” Wolfsheim said, taking back the Desert Eagle. “So now what?”

“Well, for starters, I can tell you the attack at ComicCon was just a ploy so she could lure the both of you back here.”

“How did Nightmare-Moon know we’d be there?” Celestia asked.

Edward winced at the mention of the fallen princess’s name and said, “I don’t know, but she had many agents, so it could have been anything.”

“Hey, Cedric?” Wolfsheim said, looking down the road.

“My name isn’t Cedric, it’s-”

“Yeah, Patterson, no one cares. But if you want to be useful, how about you stop the killer cyborg driving the fuel truck.” Wolfsheim pointed down the road.

Edward turned to look and indeed, there was the Governator, driving a fuel truck. He was barreling down the road with obviously deadly intent.

“Shit.” Edward cursed.

He then heard the sound of an engine starting. Looking behind him, he saw Wolfsheim and Celestia getting in the Charger.

“You’re leaving?” Edward said.

“Uh, yeah.” Wolfsheim replied, getting behind the wheel.

“And you’re leaving me?”

“Sure are! Good luck with the homicide robot!” with that the Charger tore off into the night.

Edward sighed and returned his attention to the rapidly approaching truck. “I really hate my job.”

********

“I feel bad for leaving him there like that.” Celestia said.

“Oh he’s fine.” Wolfsheim reassured her.

“How can you be sure? The name ‘Governator’ doesn’t conjure warm feelings.”

“He’s a Highlander, he’ll be fine. Well, unless he gets his head cut off, but other than that.” Wolfsheim shrugged. “Oh, and I can’t believe I didn’t figure out you were a Highlander earlier. I mean, it makes so much sense. You’re over a thousand years old and you still look like a healthy young mare.”

Celestia blushed and giggled.

“You also seem to be impervious to harm and you heal pretty fast. Add on your great power and one can come to the conclusion that you are a Highlander.”

“…That’s insane.” Celestia said, “I am not a, ‘Highlander.’”

“Of course you are. Why else would Looney girl back there want to cut your head off?”

“She’s crazy.”

“Well… that is a valid argument but my idea is better.”

Celestia chuckled and was silent for a moment. She then suddenly gasped and nearly swooned.

“Are you okay?” Wolfsheim asked.

“I almost DIED!” Celestia shouted before falling into blubbering.

“Aftershock.” Wolfsheim said to no one in particular. “If I didn’t have shock protector I probably wouldn’t be fit to drive.”

*******

Edward leapt towards the on racing truck. He crashed through the windshield and into the cab. But before he could do more, a fist like solid iron caught his jaw.

He flew backwards but the truck’s forward momentum kept him from falling off. He landed sprawled on the hood on his back, but quickly got upright again.

Edward faced the cab again and quickly punched the Governator in the head, which was comparable to punching a wrecking ball. The cyborg’s head bounced back against the rear of the cab with a dull metallic thud.

The Governator then reached forward, grabbed Edward, and tossed him in the air. Edward rose and quickly descended, falling on the top of the truck’s fuel tank.

Grimacing, Edward picked himself up again and made his way back to the top of the cab. He reached through the broken windshield and clawed at the Governator’s face. He didn’t do much damage, but he did catch hold of something. Bringing his hand back before the Governator could grab him; Edward discovered he had gotten a pair of sunglasses.

“Oh shit.” Edward cursed.

The Governator wasn’t programmed to feel emotions, but to blend in well enough, he was programmed to understand emotions. And he understood rage well.

He set the truck on cruise control and used a lock to secure the steering wheel. He then unbuckled his seat belt (What? Safety first.) and climbed out through the ruined windshield. He got on top of the cab’s roof, standing up and walking towards Edward.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!” Edward cursed as he backpedaled. He then stopped and sighed. “Well, if I’m going out, it’ll be in style.” he put the Governator’s sunglasses on. “Come at me bro!”

The Governator ran and tackled him.

********

The Charger’s engine sputtered and began to die.

“Oh no, no, no, no!” Wolfsheim said. “I knew I should have put more than five buck’s worth in.”

The car grounded to a halt. By now, Celestia had finished her blubbering and was now just staring out the window.

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking to him. “We can’t move?”

“We can, the car can’t. But that’s just as well, I’m sick of running. It’s time to take a stand. It’s time to fight!”

Celestia just stared at him. “Fight?”

“Yes.”

“Against a nigh indestructible robot from the future?”

“Yes.”

“You’re insane.”

“And yet I’m having more fun that you.”

“You? Having fun? They are trying to kill us! How are you having fun?!”

“Witty back and forth banter!”

Celestia groaned.

Wolfsheim got out of the car and Celestia followed him.

“So what exactly do you plan to do?”

“Blow up the truck.”

“Don’t you have faith in Edward?”

“It’s Robert, and against the Governator in hand to hand combat I’d be terrified.”

“So no.”

“Yes, no.”

Celestia shook her head. “Then what’s your plan to blow up the truck?”

“Simple, use the rocket in the backseat.”

Celestia looked through the window. “There isn’t one.”

“What?” Wolfsheim pressed his face against the glass. “Aw son-of-a-b-”

“Bacon!” Celestia suddenly exclaimed. She then blushed and covered her mouth with her hand.

Wolfsheim sighed. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

“Can’t we just teleport? You do have your cane.”

“Nope, its mana meter is empty.”

“…Seriously?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. “It always shorts out when it would be useful in quickly resolving the plot.”

Celestia groaned again. “So what are we going to do?”

Wolfsheim shrugged. And that’s when the deep growl of an engine reached their ears. They both turned towards the sound and saw the truck crest the hill.

“Buck.” Wolfsheim said simply.

The truck began barreling down towards them. Two figures could be seen struggling on top.

“Fine then. Let’s dance!” Wolfsheim shouted as he dropped to one knee and drew the Desert Eagle. He fired until the slide locked back, scoring several hits on the truck’s fuel tank, if the leaking fuel was anything to go by.

“Oh, wait. I forgot, you can’t blow up a car just by shooting it. Well, not of you have just regular bullets.” Wolfsheim said, almost sheepishly.

“So what are we going to do?” Celestia asked, sounding near panicked.

Wolfsheim looked at Celestia and then at the truck. Celestia, truck. He then suddenly exclaimed “Celestia, use you’re solar beam!”

“My what?”

Wolfsheim groaned. “You’re a sun goddess; you have powers related to the sun. The sun burns things. You can set the truck on fire.”

“Oh.” Celestia said, sounding as close to a ditz as one was likely to hear. “Are you sure? Isn’t that-?”

“Dangerous? Yes. You know what’s more dangerous? The bucking psychotic robot driving said truck!”

Celestia nodded vigorously. She set her feet, er hooves, apart and made like she was readying herself. In truth she felt ridiculous, but Wolfsheim had a point so might as well play the part.

Celestia concentrated and felt power build in her horn. It built and built and built, until Celestia felt like her horn was going to explode. It felt great. Well, great is a strong word, let’s just say that it felt better than it had any right to.

The dam suddenly burst and a beam of light and energy shot forth from Celestia’s horn. It arced forward and struck the truck. The effect was near instantaneous. The fuel leaking from the holes in the tank caught the flames first. The flames swarmed up the stream of fuel like fish and got into the tank itself. A fireball suddenly engulfed the entire truck, surging outward and upward in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, I mean, incendiaries.

Celestia leaned against the car, panting heavily with a small smile on her lips. That really felt better than it should have.

“Whoa. That was bucking awesome!” Wolfsheim suddenly exclaimed. “You beautiful lady are more than divine, you’re, uh… something!”

“Thanks.” Celestia said, still panting. I should do that more often.

There was suddenly a dull thud as a large piece of flaming debris landed in front of them. Wolfsheim squeaked. He then hurriedly looked around. “Did you hear that? Was that a mouse?”

Wolfsheim then peered closer at the object. “Oh shit, it’s Robert. Well, I guess he wasn’t immune to fire… or explosions. Whoops.”

Wolfsheim looked up and was immediately decked by the Governator, who had survived the explosion.

“I think that counts as cheating.” Celestia said, glaring at the cyborg.

“Sue me.” he said, advancing on her.

“Wait.” Celestia said, holding up a hand. “Can’t you just hit me with some knockout gas or something?”

“Or something.” the Governator said before Celestia felt pressure on a point on her neck and quickly blacked out.

End of Act One Next Chapter: Act Two Estimated time remaining: 55 Minutes