Act I Scene V

(Celestia and Luna enter)

Celestia: As if I didn't have enough trouble trying to protect my only son from any catch-penny princess that comes along; and now I'm surrounded by spies and traitors! Who shall I trust?

Luna: Me!

Celestia: No one! And now I have one of those… princesses to cope with. I am in no mood to sit in a stuffy chamber for hours and wrack my brain up just to think of a test for that… girl when I'm not feeling at all well! But, that's the way Dauntless wants it, so that's how it'll be. She'll have her test.

Luna: Well, her papers seem to be in order.

Celestia: I know! And the worst of it is that he actually seems to LIKE the girl! So we must think of a test that looks fair, and sounds fair, and seems fair, but isn't fair. If you got the idea for sensitivity I could've applauded right out loud. But exactly what?

Luna: Table manners?

Celestia: No, that's not hard enough.

Sensitivity, sensitivity

I'm just loaded with that

In this one word is the epitome

Of the aristocrat

Sensitive soul and sensitive stomach

Sensitive hands and feet

This is the blessing, also the curse

Of being the true elite

Common people don't know what

Exquisite agony is

Suffered by gentle people like me

Just get your hands off me!

Think of a tricky test for that wretched moat-swimming princess

Luna: Madam, may I suggest

Maybe we ought to—

Celestia: Don't take all night!

I'm not well, I need my rest

Not that I ever sleep on that lumpy mattress

Oh god, my back!

Sensitivity, bane of royalty

That bed's a torture rack!

Oh I hate to sound grumpy

But my nerves are so jumpy

I am sure I can feel any lump

Even if it were under the mattress and small as a pea

That's the answer! Under the mattress!

We'll test her tonight

One tiny pea beneath one downy mattress

Oh god! You're bright!

Any genuine princess would feel it

If she doesn't, she's through

Get the tiniest pea and order one mattress

No! Make it two!

Luna: Why not five?

Celestia: Ten, I think would be plenty

Better still make it twenty

And to play it safe in the event

Even that's not enough to insure that she sleeps

We'll give her a soothing sedative, won't we?

You can whip up a drink

Something stunning! Oh, but you're devilish

I love the way you think

She's insensitive, so insensitive

She'll fall asleep, no doubt

God! But you're clever! Brilliant! A genius!

You are divine! Get out!

(She pushes Luna out of the room)