Chapter Five—Dammit Rainbow Dash. IE, Sky Rodeo is a go!

A few days later heralded something interesting. And unfortunate, at least as far as I'm concerned.

I was rudely awoken at what I consider the ungodly hour of noon by a loud crash against my window. It should come to no surprise that it was Rainbow Dash.

When I opened the window and she peeled herself off the panes, I said "You know, you really should check to see if these things are closed before you try to fly through them."

"I know, but I was just so excited! I was starting to give up hope about finding anypony interested in any kind of sky rodeo, when I suddenly got several visitors from Canterlot that heard about it somehow and said they were interested! They agreed to help me spread the word, and suddenly I got outpourings of support from just about every avenue! I even heard Princess Celestia herself seemed interested in it!" My heart sunk with every word. The last sentence, though, tipped me off. Dammit, Luna. I suppose that was my punishment for bailing on her.

I managed to put a sickly sort of grin on my face. "Great," I said with every bit of fake enthusiasm I could muster. "When is it planned for?"

"…Planned for?"

"Don't tell me you tried to get people interested in an event you didn't plan any kind of date for."

"Uhhh…"

"So you have this massive outpouring of support, but no real plans. Yeah, this'll be fun. Let's see… Twilight's good at organizing stuff, right? Why don't you ask her for help?"

"Are you saying I can't do it?"

"I'm saying, first, that you didn't do it already, and second, that Twilight is good at organizing. That's it. You wanted to do this silly thing, so it should be your responsibility to plan it out and whatnot, but Twilight is good at this stuff so we could ask her for help." Or if all else fails, we can lie and say it was canceled due to lack of interest…

"Why don't you just organize it?"

"Because I don't know anything about the facilities available, or the dates required, or the fees involved. I'm not a very good organizer or a planner, and I can't use magic to make myself able to stay on clouds long enough to ask the pertinent questions, and even if I could all the Pegasi up there would probably freak out to see a human for the first time, in their territory, without any kind of supervision. Also, I don't really want to."

"Those are mostly good reasons. So, where's Twilight?"

"You woke me up when you slammed into the window. I don't know where she is. Probably in the library or her lab."

"She does get out, you know. Not much, but it happens."

"Both of my statements were probablies, not statements of facts. Shall we go search for her?"

"Sometimes, Navarone, you're just as bad as Twilight."

"Is that an insult or a compliment?"

She pretended to think for a minute, before saying simply, "Yes."

As it turns out, she was in the library, but she wasn't poring over a book. Some random pony was checking out a book, which surprised me; I sometimes forgot that this was actually a library instead of Twilight's personal book storage space. I was also surprised that any of the ponies aside from the intellectuals read anything, but then, my world didn't exactly leave me with much confidence in the intelligence of the common people.

When the redshirt left, Rainbow Dash and I addressed Twilight, but I managed to beat Rainbow Dash to the punch.

"You might want to check the window in my room. It took a bit of a beating this morning. Again."

Twilight just rolled her eyes and Rainbow Dash gave me one of those looks women give men when they promise divine retribution later, in private.

"So Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, "how would you feel about planning something unique and untried?"

"That depends on what it is I'm planning, and what it will require," she answered.

"Rainbow Dash plans a… rodeo, of sorts." I said. "A Sky Rodeo, if you will. I'm to be the victim of choice, as it turns out. I suppose she'll want to do it in the clouds, given the name. I have no idea how much planning will be involved, honestly, not for an event like this might be."

"An event like this might be? What, exactly, are you expecting?" Twilight asked. I looked at Rainbow Dash, who gave a sly smile.

"Wellllll... I heard from a friend who knows a stallion that said Princess Celestia herself seems interested in this event. And I've gotten a huge outpouring of support from the pegasi in Canterlot, so that seems to prove it in a way. And if they spread the word elsewhere, there's no telling how many spectators and participants there'll be! Just think, Twilight: Pegasi from everywhere, all gathered to see me, Rainbow Dash! Even the Wonderbolts might be there!" At this point she somehow—and I still haven't figured out how ponies did this, and I see them do it often—grabbed Twilight with her front hooves and started shaking her back and forth. "You just gotta help me!"

I decided to cut her off before she started gushing any more, and pulled her off Twilight. "In any event," I said, "I fear we can expect a large number of people there, possibly including at least one of the royal family. And Rainbow doesn't know how to plan for something this big, and I wouldn't know where to start planning for something this big. You're the best organizer we know, and I figure you have contacts and ways to get something like this on its feet."

Twilight, still a bit shaken, was silent for a moment. Eventually, she managed, "Sky… rodeo?" I sighed, and nodded my head. She rolled her eyes again and continued, "I'll try to help, but I can make no promises. This sounds like it'll be an interesting event, that's for sure."

Rainbow Dash gushed praises, thanks, and promises of glory, all of which Twilight bore with the nonchalance of someone well used to such effuse displays. I just shook my head and tried to put the fact that I'll be risking my life soon out of my head.

After going back upstairs to get ready for the day—and don't ask what that entails; I still find it hard to get used to some parts of pony world—I decided to take a walk. Not like there's much else for me to do here. For all its peace and quiet, this world, or maybe just this town, was usually really boring. There were some flares of excitement here and there, but it was often just a daily tedium of finding something to amuse yourself long enough to make it to the next day.

But anyway, I went on a walk, hunting for the day's adventure.

Instead of adventure, however, I found Pinkie Pie. I don't know which would be worse, but I know which I was stuck with, at least for the moment.

"So I heard you and Rainbow Dash were planning a competition!" she said to me, very accusatorily.

"And where did you hear such nonsense?" I asked as innocently as I could.

"Oh, I bet you'd like to know! I bet you'd REALLY like to know!"

"Yes, I would. That's why I asked."

"Oh." It's hard to imagine someone that pink blushing, or seeing the blush through the fur, but I've already noticed this world doesn't work like ours. So I saw her blush somehow. "Well, I won't tell you. So, is it true?" she asked, with such a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Technically, we're not planning anything. Twilight is. Rainbow Dash came up with the idea. I'm just an innocent victim of it."

"You? Innocent?" A rare moment of lucidity shined through in the madness that normally surrounds her. "Can I help? Or can I compete?"

"I can answer the second question easier than the first, and that answer is probably not. The first question I can't answer at all, as that would be for Twilight to decide."

"What do you mean, I can't compete!? I'm the best at… whatever it is this competition is about!"

"Maybe if it was partying," I said. Or being insane. "But this is something a bit more dangerous, at least for me. And it's something that requires a third dimension of mobility you genetically lack."

"A third whoosie-what-now?"

"You don't have wings. Wings are required."

"Psh. That's easy! Twilight knows how to make wings!"

"You forget: Twilight will be planning the competition, and that spell is supposedly difficult to cast. She can't afford to be tired during the actual event, in case something big comes up."

"Oh…" She seemed to partially deflate. Watching Pinkie Pie is always a lesson in what I would normally call humanity, but I suppose in this case that doesn't really apply. She's very… expressive, I suppose would be the best word. Every move she makes is full of emotion and meaning, and everything she does seems to be full of life. It's a shame she's bloody insane, or she'd be either a very charismatic leader or at least a very good person to talk to. As it stood, though, she was hard to talk to for long periods of time, because she was always ready to do… anything, I guess, and was always looking to try new things. I swear, she'd be the perfect Slaaneshi cultist. Or the perfect squirrel.

"If nothing else," I said, for some reason trying to cheer her up—that's another thing about her: it's impossible to stand seeing her sad—"you could ask Twilight if you could help with concessions or something. Or planning the after party. I don't really know what something like this would involve."

That seemed to perk her up a bit. "I love planning parties! Do you really think Twilight could use my help?"

If it gets you out of my hair for a bit, why not? "You'd have to ask her." She bounced off to do that. And I do mean bounce: for some reason, her primary mode of transportation is skipping.

I barely managed a few more steps out of the village when I was accosted yet again, this time by a fuzzy ball of fur.

"Sup, Angel?" The rabbit pointed off in a direction in which I assumed he wanted me to follow, and I fell in step behind him.

We weren't walking too long when we ran into Fluttershy, playing with some of the few animals that stay awake through the fall and winter. Honestly, I'm surprised Angel was even up and about, but then what the hell do I know about animals?

"Oh, Navarone, fancy seeing you here…" she said.

"Because you didn't send for me or anything, right?"

"Oh… yeah." Again, a blush. What is it with me today?

"Let me guess: Somehow you heard about the competition, and you want to compete."

"Oh, no! I wouldn't! I'm much too noncompetitive to enter anything like… whatever it is you're doing."

"How do you know we're not planning a shyness competition?"

"Because Rainbow Dash is involved?" Then, realizing what she said, she colored again. "Oh, please don't tell her I said that!" I smiled.

"So, if this isn't about the competition, what did you need?"

"This is about the competition, but not about competing in it. I wanted to know if there was any way I could help."

"You'd have to ask Twilight. But if Twilight says she can't use you, I could use your help in making sure I don't fall to my death. If there's any way you could convince any of your animal friends to make sure I don't crack my skull by falling from the clouds, your help is welcome. I've been promised magical help in that area, but I always prefer to trust in the more mundane methods than any magic." Even if mundane in this case is trusting animals that have a magic connection with a pony to save me.

"I'll be sure to ask Twilight, and I'll see about helping you as well."

"Awesome. You need anything while I'm here, or is that all you called me for?"

"Oh… no. You… um, you scare most of my animals."

"Yeah, I'm good at that. See you around, lass." With that, I took my leave. I started laying down bets in my head for the next one of the group to find me.

For the record, I saw Rarity first, but she was accompanied by Applejack. And, I noticed, the three smaller ponies. I don't know what I'm actually supposed to call them. Apparently all the people here are ponies. None of them ever actually become horses, though, and seem to get annoyed with I call them that. But how, then, am I supposed to distinguish between ponies like Twilight and ponies like Applebloom? Foal? Filly? Colt? Humans have too many bloody names for things.

After making an effort to unscramble their impromptu barrage of questions, I started levying out answers. "Yes, Rarity, I'm well. Just tired. No, Applejack, I'm not that hungry. Scootaloo, I last saw Rainbow Dash at Twilight's library, but I don't know if she's still there. No, Applebloom, I won't help you make a spear and become an Amazon warrior. No, Sweetie Belle, I don't know anything about ancient Roman… Wait, what? How did you… never mind."

"Navarone, just the pony we wanted to see!" Rarity said. Never a good sign.

"I swear, that child isn't mine! I wasn't even in town at the time!" I said. I have to admit, that stumped the hell out of her. I actually registered what she said, then: "Also, I'm not a pony."

Applejack decided to take the reins. "Anyway… We heard you and Rainbow Dash have been planning something big, and we wanted to know if we could help."

"You and everyone else, it appears. I'll tell you what I told Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy: Ask Twilight. She's the one planning this shindig now. Applejack, you can probably help with food supplies or something. Rarity, you can probably… well, I want to forbid you from making costumes, because I'd probably be the one to have to wear it, but you won't listen to me anyway. So I'll tell you this: When you ask Twilight and she says you can help with my costume, don't make it garish. I don't want to be sweating like a pig or dressed brighter than a bloody fruit." She had the grace to look slightly embarrassed, though she also mixed it with a bit of anger. Applejack smiled and the girls giggled.

"Yes. Well. We shall see what Twilight says, then." Rarity stormed off in a huff, and I knew I'd probably regret it, but it was somewhat worth it to rile her up a bit. I foresee sequins in my future… The others stayed for a second, though.

"What about us, Navarone?" Scootaloo asked. "Do you think there's anything we could do to help?"

I remembered stories from Twilight about their act in a school talent show thing. It had not gone well, apparently. "Ask Twilight," is all I said. "She'll know better than I what she needs you for."

The young ones ran off after Rarity, laughing gaily and talking about helping in something of which they don't even know yet.

"So, Navarone, I heard this is some kind of rodeo. Think there's any way I'd be able to compete?"

"As much as I'd like another friendly face that actually cares if I fall to my death involved in the competition, I don't think it's possible. This will probably be in the sky, in whatever the pegasus city is called. Wings will be needed, and they'll probably have to be strong wings, not the delicate stuff that magic apparently makes."

"Well, shoot. And the city up there is called Cloudsdale, by the way." With that, she ran off.

So. Cloudsdale. I finally had a name for the city of my probable death. Such an innocent sounding name for a place where I'll likely meet my doom, but then I suppose all names are innocent sounding until they're drowned in blood and buried in sorrow.

I'll skip over most of the preparations, but some should probably be mentioned. Twilight decided to wait until spring to do the event, so I wouldn't freeze in the atmosphere. It felt like a very long wait, that's for sure.

The night after we press-ganged Twilight into planning the whole debacle, I received another visit from Luna. A very smug-looking Luna. As soon as I saw her face through the window, I was tempted to pretend I was asleep.

She saw me peeking through the window, though, so that plan didn't work out well.

"So, this WAS your fault!" I accused her when I got outside.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just made a few new friends, like you suggested." The very model of innocence. Bah.

"You made a few new friends, and yet you decided to come back to humor little ol' me," I said, trying to somewhat hiding my sarcasm.

"As a princess, I must make even the least important members of my realm feel like they matter. I suppose that means I should start with you, after all!" I am training her way, way too well.

"Okay then, oh wise ruler: What should I do about someone that helped put me in mortal danger?"

"That depends on the level of danger involved, of course. Say, for instance, the danger was only exaggerated and easily staved off, even though it didn't look like that at the time. Should the one that puts you in danger really be punished?"

"I suppose only time will tell. I'll totally haunt you if I die, though. And I won't be nice about it, either."

"When did we start talking about something I did?"

"Oh, yes, because you're completely innocent about getting Rainbow Dash enough support to go through on her bloody annoying plan to get me to fall to my death in front of a massive crowd."

"You're right, I am completely innocent. I don't know what at all would give you the idea that I would be involved!" The level of sarcasm in our speech was getting too much, even for me.

"I don't know, maybe it had something to do with the promises of royal support I heard Rainbow Dash yammering about. Surely the more responsible of the two sisters wouldn't be involved in something as base as this!"

"You're right, I would never condone an act such as this! I really should take Celestia in hoof."

I can't lie, she had me at that line. I busted out laughing, and she followed me shortly after.

Then I sobered and gave her my most serious face possible, which doesn't really look like that much anyway, and said: "I'm serious. I will give Twilight orders to the effect of summoning my soul back to haunt this realm if this kills me. I will scare you for the rest of your life." In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to say to someone that had been locked in solitary confinement for a thousand years.

"Don't worry. With all the magical enchantments you're going to be getting, you will be completely safe. Besides, I'm almost positive you told Rainbow Dash the same thing."

"That might be true, but your life is a lot longer than hers. I can haunt her for the rest of her life, then I can haunt you when she dies."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"No. There are a few things that can catch me off guard. They just don't happen often."

"Maybe one day I'll catch you in one, then."

"It would take something paradigm shifting, I can promise you that. So it's somewhat unlikely that anything you say would both be true and catch me off guard."

She dropped her smile. "Like leaving you when you were promised to be at a festival together?"

"No, that wouldn't catch me too off-guard. I would assume there was a decent enough reason."

"Uh-huh. Do you know what I had to put up with that night?"

"Some manner of fun, I suppose. Or at least, what most ponies consider fun. I'm not a fan of games like what they were offering."

"I suppose it was fun. I really was expecting you to be there, though. Did something important come up?"

"Not really. I just figured it was in your best interest if I wasn't around for when you were trying to make friends. Most of the ponies here are still relatively uncertain about me, so I decided to hang back and watch."

"You could have told me, you know. I would have understood."

"I wasn't expecting to be given the chance so readily. I was going to back off if I needed to later in the night, but then Twilight told me to go hunting after Pinkie Pie. I was already away from the group at that point, so I decided to just save some time and stay away."

"An answer for everything," she muttered. "Well, the night did go well." She told me a bit about it. I think she was trying to make me jealous.

"I'm glad you had a good time, Princess. And I'm glad you're making more friends."

"What, tired of me already?" I couldn't tell if she was being serious.

"I don't remember saying that. You are always welcome here, if you want to talk. I'll not say no to the company. If I'm asleep when you come by I might not be as welcoming, but if it's important just wake me up."

"I'll remember that." We talked a bit more, but nothing I feel like recording.

"What do you need, little fillies?"

"We're just wondering what we could do to help for this event, whatever it is," Applebloom told me. "Twilight said there was nothing we could do, Applejack just told us that we were too small, and Rarity seemed too busy to even notice us!" Well, at least now I know what I can call them.

"We scared Fluttershy's animals when we tried asking her what to do, so we left before we made too much of a mess there. Pinkie Pie seemed to like the idea of help, but got too preoccupied to ever say exactly what she needed help with!" Sweetie Belle contributed.

"And Rainbow Dash is too busy 'practicing,'" Scootaloo added, to finish the list.

"You always have the option of not getting involved at all," I said, perhaps letting more than a small hint of hope into my voice.

"But what if there's something we could do to help us get our cutie marks?" Applebloom asked.

"Hm. I'm not actually doing anything to prepare, other than answering questions as they come. If you really want, I can tell you of the power of managerial oversight," I whispered in conspiratorial tones.

"That sounds… boring," Sweetie Belle said.

"Dreadfully so, at times, but it's also usually pretty easy and yet the most important part of any assignment," I said.

"If it's that important," Scootaloo started, "then surely it's something that we could do! For we are," and this they all said together, in a somewhat disturbing unison: "THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

Oh lord… "The secret is basically this: Wander around the work areas of others, pretend to know what you're doing, and if you're asked any questions, make up a seemingly legitimate sounding answer and hope the specialist you're watching over buys it. The goal of the manager is to make the people working under them seem confident that they are being watched over by someone who cares for them and their problems. It's a way of inspiring morale, you could say. It's often a thankless job, but a necessary one." Thank God none of these ponies knows how to tell when I'm lying.

"That really does sound boring…" Applebloom muttered.

"Aye, it is somewhat boring at times. But it is, as I said, necessary." And if it keeps you from interfering with things that might keep me alive, all the better.

"Well, never let it be said we didn't try EVERYTHING we could to get our cutie marks," Sweetie Belle said.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, ASSEMBLE! ASSUME MANAGERIAL DUTIES!"

As they ran off, I couldn't help but wonder if I had just signed my death warrant.

"Twilight, you need any of my help for this thing?"

"Do you know how to quiet a recalcitrant business owner about prices of certain things I need?"

"Yes, if you don't mind me using excessive force. I know quite a bit about extortion and forcing price fixes."

"Every time I talk to you, I get a little more scared about what your world was like."

"I can honestly, honestly understand that. Is there anything else you might need help with?"

"I think we're pretty much covered on all our bases. I'm doing the planning, Applejack is apparently getting the food, Rarity is making your costume—which I'm sure you'll love!—I don't know exactly what Fluttershy is doing, but she seems convinced she's helping somehow, and Pinkie Pie is planning the after party and parade."

"What's this about a parade?"

"Oh, you haven't heard? Apparently both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will be attending this event, so it will practically require a parade of some kind. That's the way royalty works, I'm afraid. I'm surprised Princess Luna didn't mention it in your talks with her."

"I'm beginning to think Luna has it in for me. She forced this event, somehow."

"Navarone, you're just being paranoid. Even if she did have a bout with crazy a little while ago, she's completely fine now. According to the letters I get from Princess Celestia, you're one of Luna's closest friends! That's really something to be proud of, you know."

"The best part about being friends with royalty is that it makes you a target for anyone wanting any kind of advantages. Thankfully, there doesn't appear to be many violent ponies in your world; I have a low chance of being kidnapped here." Again, I mean.

"You're not making me feel any better about your world. Now leave me be for a bit. I need to talk with some more ponies, see about getting some things accomplished."

"Rarity, if I could think of something very painful that I could legally do to you, I would be very quick to do it. You know perfectly well how I like to dress, even though I know you like to pretend you don't."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about! This is a wonderful outfit! Look how it glitters and shines! It's so colorful! You'll be in the eyes of the entire crowd! And they'll all know who designed your beautiful outfit…"

The object in question was… gaudy is too weak of a word. Extravagant comes closer, but still doesn't quite do it justice. Imagine something Bill Gates would wear if he was a dick that wanted everyone to know he was on top. I mean, this thing was actually socketed with jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, the whole gauntlet of precious stones were sewn into this thing. I could feed Africa for years if I had something like this in our world. And she wanted me to wear it. It was painful to look at, even in the dim light of her shop, for it sparkled so.

"I'm afraid I won't be wearing something like that. Can you imagine what Twilight would say if she saw the cost of that thing on the bill this is going to raise?"

"Oh, Navarone, don't be silly! This is a favor for a friend! Twilight commissioned something like this."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"She wasn't exactly specific of the details, mind, but I think I captured the essence of her request quite well. And if you truly hate it, you can just return it after the event! Besides, you haven't even tried it on yet."

I only regret this universe doesn't have any discernible tobacco. I've never been a smoking or a drinking fellow, but these ponies... I keep finding myself in need of some kind of stress reliever when dealing with them.

Long story short, I tried the bastard on and damn near cut myself on some of the pointier edges of the jewels. If nothing else, Rarity is good at fitting clothes: it was very comfortable. My grudging acceptance of the outfit was met only by that small smile Rarity shows when she gets her way. In the preceding months, I have been the cause of that smile too many times, and I've had a want to wipe it off her smug face on more than one occasion, but I've since managed to still my hand.

"You can take the bugger back after the competition. Lord knows I'll probably never put it back on." This was met by another smile. This lass was really, really starting to make me think of some of the women in a series of books I once read. It was not a favorable comparison for her.

"Oh, hello Navarone," Fluttershy said as I approached. "We meet once again."

"That seems to happen a lot when you send someone out to get me," I returned.

"Yeah, well, you know. Anyway, I think I've made some headway into helping you."

"You found some animal friends that would help me as a last resort?"

"Well, sort of."

"You're not inspiring me with confidence here, lass."

"The butterflies that saved me when I fell from Cloudsdale were more chance than plan. It's hard to get such fickle creatures to do what you want, or to stay in one place on guard for a while. I've asked what birds I can find for help, but there aren't that many of them here while winter is still going strong. I'll have a better answer in spring, but there's a problem there."

"Aye, I understand." The event was planned in the spring. Most of the birds return in the spring, yes, but most wouldn't have been exactly used to my presence. Those that would happily help Fluttershy might recoil at the thought of helping one such as I.

"There is one thing you could do to help, though," she said.

"Oh? I admit that I know little about animals, but anything that helps me survive is doable in my book."

"There is an event at the end of winter, called Winter Wrap Up. If you were to help me during that event, the animals would have more of a chance to get to know you."

"I've heard Twilight talking about that, actually." Trust me when I say that it's a lot easier to imagine ponies with wings playing around with clouds than it is to actually see them do it. I almost freaked out when I saw Rainbow Dash rearranging clouds the first time. I had heard they could do it and I thought I had prepared myself, but then holy shit she's moving the fucking clouds with her hooves what the hell man. It's a sobering moment. And to see them do it on such a grand scale? It would be an amazing moment, one I was looking forward to seeing.

"There's only one big problem to deal with about you helping, though. We have to ascertain the technicalities of… well, your existence, basically. Would you helping technically be considered magic, since you were summoned using magic? Or are you mundane enough to be allowed to help?" The ponies here in Ponyville didn't use any manner of magic during Winter Wrap Up, due to some stupid tradition or something.

"I honestly don't know the answer to that. I suppose it's more a philosophical than it would be a practical question. How about I just put on a badge and help, and if someone calls me on it we can talk about it then?"

"That seems like it might be cheating, though!"

"And?"

"That would be wrong!"

"…and? I'm failing to see a problem here."

"I keep forgetting you're not one of us. Your culture is so… strange!"

And so it was resolved that I would help Fluttershy come Winter Wrap Up.

"Pinkie Pie, I don't do the whole 'party' scene. I don't care what you base the after party off of. I'll be happy enough to be alive afterwards," I told her, for the umpteenth bloody time. To be honest, after seeing the preparations being made to make sure I don't plummet to my death, I was feeling pretty confident, but I still liked to mention the fact that my life was technically at risk. "Use whatever bloody theme you want. And I don't mean 'bloody' literally, I mean it as an expletive."

"What do you mean, you don't party? You've been to all the ones that I've invited you to!" she answered, not untruthfully.

"Yes, I have, but in some cases that was under duress and on other occasions it was because I was bloody bored of my own company. The only thing I do at parties is make a beeline for the food, attempt to avoid awkward small talk, and then wait patiently near a wall for it to end."

"Well, that's no fun! What if I threw you a party and forced you to have fun?"

"I'd lose my cool and bad, bad things would happen. The last person that tried that was lucky enough to wake up in a back alley in Tijuana, naked and reeking of bad Tequila, with nothing but a few horrifying recollections of a missing week and a bad taste in their mouth as any indication of what happened. I don't even want to talk about where I ended up."

"What's Tijuana? And what's Tequila?"

"They're both the worst things you could possibly imagine. Or at least, Tijuana is. You can ask Rainbow Dash about Tequila. Just tell her it's alcohol..."

"Humans are weird!"

Aside from all the other stuff I had to put up with, Rainbow Dash demanded as much of my time as I was unable to provide decent excuses for not giving. I ain't gonna lie: I found myself hating—nay, despising—the blinding rainbow flash coming towards me, no matter where I tried to hide. That bloody lass had some kind of tracker on me, or something. I tried being smart one day and hiding at the bottom of a lake, with an air tube sticking up to the top. She pulled me out of the water by the air tube! But I digress. We practiced, if you could call it that. We did a bit of rodeo stuff, yes, but a lot of stuff she had me doing was falling with her catching me.

When I pointed out that this seemed to be counterproductive to the point of the competition, this little discourse happened:

"What, do you really want to risk falling to your death? I thought that's what you wanted to avoid, remember?"

"While that is true, there will apparently be enough enchantments on me that it won't really be a problem." I had decided not to mention Fluttershy's fallback, since I figured it would probably be an unneeded resource anyway. I didn't want to be accused of being paranoid or that I didn't have faith in the magic that was meant to save me.

"Do you really want to take that chance?"

"You are also assuming you're going to be the one to rescue me. I figured there would be special pegasi set aside for something like that, pegasi that aren't competing."

"Look, it's just a speed test, okay? It's not every day that I get somepony willing to be a living test of how fast I am!"

"…If we weren't doing this over a lake I would never help you again."

And that pretty much ended the matter. To be fair, though, she only let me fall all the way once, and during that she got hurt worse than I did.

A lot more things happened in these few months, but most of them aren't really worth writing down. Or rather, my part in them was so negligible that I don't see many of them worth recording in full.

Some weird unicorns came to Applejack's farm near the end of fall, during something called the Apple Cider Season or something. I knew right off the bat that they were greasy con artists and that nothing good would come of them, but no one listens to me. When I was proven right, the ponies conveniently forgot that I had mentioned it at all.

Near Christmas in my time, the girls and Spike went off to Canterlot to do some play. I was left in town.

Rainbow Dash got hurt during one of her practice sessions with me, and I ended up landing in the bloody lake and getting a pretty serious bruise. She spent a few days in the hospital and if Twilight had her way I would have ended up at the vet; the doctor couldn't treat me since I wasn't a pony. When Twilight started leading me to the vet, I said hell no. I'm not a bloody animal. Thankfully, I heal quickly.

On Valentine's Day of my world, and what is here called Hearts and Hooves Day, the fillies tried to get me involved in a scheme that went massively awry. I had been helping Twilight that day, and as soon as they borrowed a book from her that had a love poison recipe, I knew something bad was going to happen. I predicted it, but Twilight blew the warning off. Then they gave the poison to their teacher and Big MacIntosh and it all went to hell. I'll admit, it was pretty funny watching the two of them gush over each other, but it was also wrong. The wee little lasses fixed it, which was some good points in their favor, but it still never should have happened.

Winter wrap up went well enough. Since I knew Luna had her own preparations to take care of, I was able to get a full night's sleep. I managed to avoid nightmares, thankfully. At least, until I got outside.

When I finally managed to scrub the sleep out of my eyes, I rendezvoused with Twilight and Spike just as they were getting ready to step into the early morning light.

"So, why do we have to wake up so early for this, again?"

"Because if we don't get started now, we won't get finished on time. Remember, Navarone, I'll be busy for most of the day. Just go to Fluttershy and she'll give you your instructions."

"Whatever, lass. Just don't make me wear one of those bloody vests and I'll be okay."

"Technically, you're supposed to wear them. But since you're the only human here and you know where you're supposed to be anyway, I don't guess it matters for you."

We were opening the door, when I turned to Spike. "What's your job today, anyway?"

"Oh, you know, ju—" he was cut off by song. Spontaneous song. I know, because I asked Twilight beforehand if I was supposed to know any songs for this so I could know when to hide.

What. The. Dick. "Spike, are they fucking singing? Tell me the whole village is not spontaneously breaking into song."

"That happens a lot, actually. Something about magic in the air or something. I never really pay attention when Twilight tries to explain it. If you want to avoid its effects, you better hurry away from the area."

Damn straight I wanted to avoid its effects. I don't sing. Hell, in some places back home, I wasn't legally allowed to sing.

Twilight joined in the song at that point, walking out into the village. Spike followed her, being used to it by now and being relatively immune to its effects. I booked it down the road, away from the impromptu carolers. I was almost out of direct sight when a lull opened up in the song where a masculine sounding voice should probably be filling in. No, no, no!

Somehow, I ended up turned around and facing the other way, and I skidded to a halt with all the ponies on the street looking at me with an expectant look in their eyes. Spike was stifling laughter. I could feel an impulse come over me, but some vestiges of my inner human rage and spirit stomped them down. A fight was visible on my face, I was later told, and it was a fight I obviously won. I managed to force out the words "I don't fucking sing. Bugger off," before I managed to turn around and arrogantly stride away. The ponies sighed and suddenly shook, as though a spell had been broken. I'm a bad person, but I've learned to live with that.

Working with Fluttershy was apparently rather routine. The leather gloves I managed to hold onto from the beginning served me well against a few of the animals that were irate at being woken up by what they probably thought was a hairless monkey. I've noticed the ponies here don't make leather, which I guess makes sense, as they're so pacifistic. One of those days I was planning on going into the forest, killing the first thing stupid enough to attack me, and tanning the hide for a leather cloak, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. Don't know where I'd get that much salt, anyway.

But yeah, we succeeded in getting all the animals awake on time through some interesting bell system that honestly took longer to set up than waking up each animal individually would have. Apparently it was designed by a person afraid of half of the animals that were being awakened or something, which I thought was silly. I'd have rather had a blow horn and just tooted it off a few times, but whatever.

We finished in enough time for the small team to break off and help other groups. Since Fluttershy is kind of a crappy flier and too weak to help Applejack's group, she went off help Rarity make bird nests.

I took one look at my options and decided I had done enough for one day. I hated ice skating and only had two feet anyway, so I'd be less efficient at that task. And Pinkie Pie hated my sledgehammer and my fire ideas. I wasn't strong enough to help Applejack with the plows—and she hated my flamethrower idea. I took one look at Rarity's setup and walked on. I was useless to Rainbow Dash, as I had no wings. Twilight knew what she was doing and had an elite cadre of pegasus runners waiting for any orders to be sent out or brought in. I could have tried to provide moral support, but after my performance that morning, I figured they might all feel better if I just disappeared for a spell. So that was pretty much that. The event was finished on time and it was finally spring. Just like that and I never needed to wear a coat outside again.

My birthday came and went unremarked by all with the coming and going of March. It's much easier to not tell anyone of such things, so they don't make a fuss about it.

I'll fast forward a few months, to the day before the competition. Twilight was going over the spells she would need to cast for the event. Fluttershy was making sure her animal friends would be ready in a worst case scenario. Rarity was fretting over her—my, I suppose—costume, suddenly finding dozens of things wrong with it. Spike was apparently doting on Rarity and fighting the temptation to eat the costume—which I wouldn't have minded. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were already in Cloudsdale, setting their parts up. Rainbow Dash was a nervous wreck, which would have done wonders for my confidence if I had actually been awake at the time. I asked Twilight to put me asleep for twenty four hours, giving me six hours to get ready for the festivities that would start the event. Apparently being the 'star' of the show means I have to spend five and a half hours longer to get ready for something than I need, since she refused to give me any more time than that.

When I finally woke up, the first thing I saw was the nervous face of one Twilight Sparkle. Before she could say anything, I bemused aloud, "You know what I miss about home? Toothpaste. And a proper tooth brush. This crap I have to use now is just not cutting it at all!"

"We don't have time for that, Navarone! I forgot to teach you how to behave around the Princess!"

"Bow, scrape, call her Princess instead of majesty or queen, dot my I's and cross my T's, stuff like that?"

"It's a lot more than that! There's an entire system of etiquette for it! Especially if you're going to be standing near them in the parade!"

"Look, lass, from what you've told me of Celestia—Princess Celestia, excuse me—she's a really nice lady. If I screw up somewhere, I'm sure she won't order my head removed. From stories I've heard, she'd probably laugh it off and think it a refreshing novelty. And I'm pretty down with Luna, so I don't think there will be any problems in that respect."

"You don't understand, this isn't merely a social setting! This is a huge event! There will be an entire crowd! You have to follow proper form!"

"Just tell them I'm a human and we have our own customs. That's true enough. Part of the basis of my own culture is that no man is above another man for any reason. Treat others how you want to be treated, all that mess. I'll be polite and they'll be polite in turn. What more obeisance is needed than that?"

"They're royalty!"

"And? In my world, royal blood sheds just as easily as the regular stuff, once you're able to get to it."

"What you don't seem to understand is that you're not in your world anymore! You can't expect to get anywhere by following rules that no longer apply! You have to learn to do things our way now, since from all appearances you aren't going back! Now, are you going to learn how to treat the Princesses, or do I have to tell Rarity to make your costume even more ridiculous?" I'm not going to lie, that really, really stung; that costume was terribly ridiculous, and anything more would just be too much to bear.

"I knew you thought it was ridiculous!" So instead of spending five hours relaxing, half an hour getting ready, and thirty minutes getting into position, I spent three hours longer than I needed learning stuff that wasn't important, one hour learning stuff that might have actually been important, one full hour getting ready—Rarity got herself involved, half an hour getting into position, half an hour waiting and sweating in a bloody hot costume, half another hour waiting for the inevitable delays to get sorted out, then half an hour for the bloody royalty to finally show up and take their positions. Luna gave me a conspiratorial wink as she settled in, while Celestia gave me a long and appraising look. I noticed first that Luna's mane was no longer moving.

And when I first saw Princess Celestia, my mouth dropped. I don't think there's anything better to describe the absolute shock when I saw her. Luna is a bit bigger than most of the rest of the ponies, aside from maybe Big MacIntosh—she can actually look me in the eyes with no problem. But while the rest of the ponies were just that, ponies, Celestia was actually a horse, it appeared. And her mane flowed. It was somehow constantly moving, and was full of light pastel colors. Her body was bright white, with a cutie mark of a sun. Her wingspan easily doubled that of any Pegasus I had seen. But the most surprising thing, the most awe inspiring thing, were her big, pink eyes. Kindness, wisdom, and a literal feeling of warmth flowed through them. I felt like she could see every bad thing I had ever done, every evil thought I had ever had, every filthy impulse my mind construed, she knew it all… and forgave it. Knew everything about me and was still able to love me. It was like what I thought meeting Jesus would be like. And suddenly I understood why Twilight was so worried about getting me to understand proper etiquette for this. It wasn't for Princess Celestia's sake or Twilight's sake, it was for my own. I found myself—my unworthy, sinful self—wanting to pay respect to this creature.

And just as suddenly as I felt her gaze upon me, I felt it part, and I found myself shamed by my thoughts. Who was I to be brought so low by merely a gaze? I steeled myself for the inevitable conflict I foresaw in my near future, only to find myself not having needed to at all. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both bent their heads slightly to me, as one would an equal. Shocked, I returned the gesture before my rational mind could process it. I could tell everyone in the crowd was equally shocked when I did return it, and from what Spike told me later Twilight looked like she was about to have a stroke. Then I realized, oh shit, I just shattered etiquette. When they did that, I was supposed to bow or something, not return the gesture as an equal. Celestia and Luna took it in stride, however, and the parade began in earnest. The crowd remained shocked until the cart thing we were on started moving, when they starting applauding and whatnot. It's a lot easier for Pegasi, who have wings, to applaud than it is for most ponies, but it still sounded odd to my ears, probably because it was more of a clopping sound than a clapping sound. Even though I realized none of the applause was for me, I still found myself getting caught up in the parade. I can't describe our positions in it, as I was really too 'in the moment' to pay that much attention. I went where I was told to go and that was that.

The next thing I remember was standing in front of the two princesses as they each cast a spell of protection on me. Celestia cast a spell of endurance on me, so that if I did impact the ground I wouldn't die, and so I would be harder to wear out. Luna cast a spell of slow fall on me, so Celestia's spell would probably be unnecessary anyway. This was on top of a layer of spells cast by Twilight earlier in the day. One allowed me to walk on clouds, one was a common healing spell to make sure I was in perfect shape, and she didn't tell me what the last one was for, so I just assumed it was for the best and left it alone.

To be blunt, the competition kind of sucked. I mean, it was a rodeo, simple as that. Apparently Twilight had the foresight to get together with Applejack and plan some side shows like clowns and whatnot, and they invited a few buffalo that were enchanted with wings to join the fun, but my part in it was pretty simple and fairly dull: Hang on for dear life for as long as you can, and when you fall don't panic long enough for someone to retrieve you. And hope each time that the Pegasus on rescue duty comes to get you, or else you'll be slowly falling to the ground.

When I was on the last contestant, some male Pegasus whose name I didn't pay attention to, I realized something was wrong. I didn't know exactly what, but I knew something just screwed up. I tried to get the guy's attention, but he was too busy trying to knock me off. In desperation, I did my best to hang on for longer than usual, but to no avail. The extra endurance I had been gifted was gone. With it, I found, all the other enchantments were gone as well.

I fell like a stone. I looked down and had time to realize that it was a beautiful view before I realized I was falling to my death with—if physics was correct—almost no chance of survival. A part of my brain kicked itself for not being able to survive to say "I told you so," while the other part recoiled in absolute horror. I don't remember screaming, but I might have. The last thing I remembered was thinking, Why the hell didn't I just bring a parachute? At least I should be saved by a pony of good repute.