Chapter Three—Every action gets a reaction. I.E., wherein I learn why alcohol is bad

The next day, I decided it might be wise to check up again on Rainbow Dash, to make sure she wasn't still feeling hung over. I knew it was unlikely, but I figured it was probably a good idea to check.

It wasn't until I got to her house, however, that I remembered it floats. And that I can't fly.

I was thinking about trying to get her attention, wondering if a rock would fly through her house or potentially damage something, when I heard a loud trundling behind me, followed by a yelled warning of "Look out!"

I quickly twisted around, saw what was coming, and jumped out of the way.

"Of course," I muttered. "It would be Pinkie Pie who managed to latch onto a runaway wagon, of all things." I saw Fluttershy trying to catch up, alongside Scootaloo on a little scooter. I still don't know why they made a bloody scooter in this world. Makes no sense.

I picked myself up. "Scootaloo, I could have expected. Pinkie Pie, yeah, no stretch. But how did they rope you into this, Fluttershy?"

She slowed down long enough to say "They asked for a responsible pony for something. I didn't know what at the time! Could you please help us?"

I sighed and started running to catch up to Pinkie Pie. "How is she even still going that fast? There isn't an engine on that thing, and the ground is relatively level!"

Scootaloo answered, "We built a ramp a while back. A very big ramp. Also, what's an engine?"

"…Never mind. How are we going to stop her before she crashes into something bigger than she is?"

"I don't know, but being a rescuer shouldn't be this hard! Can you see if I have a cutie mark?"

She didn't. "That just means I have to actually catch up to her!" With that, she put on an extra burst of speed. I was hardly an athlete back on Earth, and I haven't done too much exercise since I got here. I barely managed to keep up with Fluttershy.

"Bloody kids. How do you manage them?" I asked her.

"Oh, I'm just good with kids… You know how it is."

"Whatever. Hey, it looks like Pinkie Pie is slowing down!"

Thankfully, she was. She managed to stop right in front of a large lake near the forest. I've often wondered what it would be like to dive in that thing, but when I asked the little ones about it they got pale and changed the subject.

Fluttershy and I finally managed to catch up to the two of them. Scootaloo was showering Pinkie Pie with a mix of accolades and admonishments, while Pinkie Pie was trying to get her legs back.

"So," I began, "what was the purpose of that again?"

Scootaloo said, "We were going to put Angel in the wagon and push him down the ramp. Then I was supposed to chase after him and quickly catch him, hopefully earning an animal rescuer cutie mark. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were supposed to try to calm him down and make sure he was okay. Instead, Pinkie Pie was walking by, saw the wagon, thought it looked like a roller coaster, and jumped in. We didn't plan the ramp very well, obviously…"

"You were going to do what with Angel?" Fluttershy asked, obviously somewhat disturbed.

I noticed then that she was actually still holding him protectively, despite his violent protests. I held my hand out for a quick bro-fist bump with the guy. He obliged; say what you want about his size, that little dude was okay.

"We weren't going to hurt him!" Scootaloo protested.

Fluttershy started to reply, when Pinkie Pie interjected herself. "That was fun! Can I do it again? Oh, hi Navarone! How was your experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?"

"It went better than expected, actually, though I wouldn't bring it up with Rainbow Dash. I don't think she will remember it fondly. I was actually on my way to check up with her when I was interrupted by a runaway pony."

"Well, that's rude! Somepony needs to learn to control their speeds!" Typical Pinkie Pie.

"I suppose we should get this wagon back to the ramp. I think the girls wanted to try an experiment of their own."

"Not with any of my animals, they won't!" Fluttershy said. "If… if that wouldn't be a problem…"

Scootaloo sighed. "Fine! We can be human rescuers instead!"

That got my attention. "Wait, what now?"

Several bruises—and no cutie marks—later, I found myself wandering the marketplace. Their market holds none of the hubbub of a busy bazaar, or any market I'm used to back on Earth. There is no music playing in the background, very little muted speech going on, and all the speech that takes place sounds happy. It's like a happy memory of what 1950's small town America would be like. The only difference is that I'm the communist here, and I'm not 'your neighbor' or 'your best friend,' but rather, I'm the outsider, the one everyone can tell doesn't belong just by looking. It is disquieting in a way, though I know by now all the ponies are used to me. They managed to get used to Spike and Zecora, so it didn't take most of them long to stop staring at me.

But I digress. I was walking through the marketplace, looking at the small amount of wares available. Ponyville is not a large place at all, so there really wasn't much to look at. A few pieces of furniture, a small number of antique books, a few cloth stores, a doodad shop, and many food places. Even if there was anything I'd want to buy, I had no money with which to buy it. All the cash I had was defunct, all the plastic I had was worthless. Coins had some small value, but gold—in the form of bits—appears to be the common denomination here. I don't render any real services, nor do I have the right to say I'm a personal student or friend to the beloved princess, even if I was a new friend to the lesser known princess. In short, I was dependent on Twilight. It was not a comforting feeling.

I wandered through the marketplace, thinking of ways to earn my keep. I had enough ideas from Earth to become a political writer, but no pony would want to or need to try to read through a political treatise or any of the books I typically read back home.

If I could find someone to pay bounties, I could become a hunter. There are enough dangerous creatures out there for the job to pay well. I could also become a guide through the forest, or I could collect herbs and ingredients. It would be a dangerous job, and a job that no one would really want to pay me for, but it could be profitable.

There's also the very, very useful fact that I have thumbs going in my favor. Anything a pony would want to grasp would have to be done with their mouth or with magic. That pretty much makes my use nearly infinite. Infinite, if I could get the bloody ponies to stop fearing me so.

And there's also the possibility of remaining tethered to Twilight. Spike and I have different uses to her. He's good for manual tasks and being a guinea pig. He is very resistant, and has survived more than one magical accident that would have seared me to the bone. I, however, am a thinker. I have helped Twilight troubleshoot through some broken spells already, though the actual mechanics behind them remain hidden to me.

Or I could become a wanderer. This world is vast, and is mostly peaceful, though much of it has gone unmapped by ponies. Oddly enough, what of it I have seen shows me that this world is very, very like my own. With that knowledge, I can assume that riches can be found in the same places. Gold in California, diamonds in South Africa. It would be an interesting life.

I could also become an 'inventor.' This world has only the weakest engines, and having Pegasi means no one really developed flying technology beyond balloons. I could create a vastly more successful Hindenburg, or a plane. Given oil supplies, though, a steampunk style invention process would be easier.

Those thoughts were suddenly put on hold when a distracted and heavily laden Rarity bumped into me. Hardly breaking stride, she said, "Pardon, sir, but you simply must learn to watch where you're going!" She didn't even see me. Probably just guessed the gender and hoped to be right.

"Rarity? Do you need some help?" I asked her.

"What? Oh, yes! These are awfully heavy, and you do look like a fellow that could carry some weight!" I couldn't tell if that was an insult, so I just took some of the cloth from her back. "Be careful with that! It's going to be a dress fit for a princess soon!" As I've mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion. But if some of the things I've seen come out of her shop are considered 'fit for princesses,' I'm glad I avoided the industry. I'm sure it's all good, but a lot of it just looks impractical to me. I just shrugged and tried to look impressed by her admonishment. She apparently bought it, because she started off back to her shop. I followed, trying—despite myself—to figure out what she was going to make with this batch of cloth. A dress or gown of some kind, of course; I've never seen her make clothes for men, aside from that special commission for me to keep me from wearing the same tattered clothing day after day.

"Rarity, if you ever get a bit of free time, would you mind seeing if you could somehow make shoes for me? What I have now won't last forever, and I wasn't blessed with hard feet."

"Shoes? What's that about shoes? I don't have time to think about shoes at a time like this! I'm going to be absolutely swamped for days! When will I learn to not bite off more than I can chew?"

Probably when you finally fail to finish an order. She liked to complain, and I liked to tease her about it, but to Rarity, dresses and fashion is an art, not a career. She is very, very good at it and is very, very dedicated. I've heard from Sweetie Belle that she occasionally stays up days at a time to work on an order. It is my opinion that her cutie mark thing should be a thread and a needle, but apparently whoever decides those things figured diamonds was better. There was a time that I would have made a joke about something being pretty but ultimately useless, but I like to think I'm over that.

When we arrived at her shop, I found the place in complete disarray. To my apparently 'untrained eye,' as Rarity put it, everything looked like it was balanced on the edge of falling, awaiting only a sudden movement to break into total bedlam. To Rarity, it implied a job well on its way, a job that was missing only its mistress, who had stepped out for a short break. I gently set the bundle of cloth where she indicated and wondered if I should try to back out slowly before she remembered I was there, or try to offer any more help.

My mind was made up for me when she turned suddenly, saw me, started, and said, "Oh, hello Navarone. You wouldn't mind helping me with a few more tasks, would you? I promise, they won't take too long…"

Oh lord… "I'm not Spike; I won't be willing to do anything you ask. But what do you need?"

Her answering smile was enough to make me want to grind my teeth. It said, I know what you think you're doing, and it's cute. I managed to answer back with my own smarmy bring it on smile.

"Well, you see, my cat, Opalescence—"

"I'm not cleaning out a litter bed."

"Would it help if I said please?" My flat stare answered that for her. "Well, that's not the only thing I needed help with. I was kind of wondering if you'd be willing to supervise the girls while I'm busy with this project. I've heard how they talk about you; you are an enigma to them, and they have a lot of ideas about using you to get their cutie marks. I know you're often busy helping Twilight or one of the others, but if you have the time maybe you could help me?"

"I already have a few bruises from some of their plans involving me from today. Are you sure I'd survive anything more they have in store for me?"

"Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't be too much of a problem for 'the most dangerous creature alive.'"

"You see, it's that alive part I'm worried about. I'd like to keep it that way, and their 'human rescuer' plans seem to desire to put that life at risk."

"So THAT is why they were building a ramp. I was wondering what they were planning with it."

"How did they even build that flaming thing, anyway? None of them can do magic that I've seen, and none of them have thumbs! I've heard Fluttershy talk about their less than stellar carpentry skills in the past as well."

"No pony says they had to build it well. I'm sure the 'rescuer' part of the plan could cover fall damage as well as runaway cart problems."

"You are not making me any more eager to help you with this, you know."

"You hardly seemed eager to begin with."

"Yes, and about half the words you seem to say confirm I was right in my initial conception of the idea. From everything I've seen of the little lasses, they hardly need watching over anyway. They don't listen to half of anything anyone tells them, so it would hardly help to have someone like me around, who would only tell them off half the time for stuff they're doing wrong."

"I think you're stretching, now."

"You're not making me want to say yes any more. Why me, anyway? I know you said they were hoping to experiment on me, but surely there are other, more responsible ponies you could leave them with. Like… Fluttershy, or… well, Fluttershy is really the only truly responsible one of your main cadre of friends. Maybe Applejack or Twilight? Well, Twilight is usually busy with studies and isn't too much a fan of kids in her library. And after that experiment with Rainbow Dash I somewhat question Applejack's responsibility…"

"What happened with the experiment?"

"Oh, nothing…"

She raised an eyebrow, but let it go. "Fluttershy already said she couldn't. Something about house sitting? And Applejack is always busy with her trees."

"It's late fall and harvest is over. What kind of tree is she growing now?"

She opened her mouth to respond, looked pensive, and shut it again. Finally, she said, "So, you want to go ask Applejack a question for me?"

Half an hour of trudging through broken leaves and fallen limbs, I found myself back at Applejack's house. Her granny was on the front porch, waddled up in a load of clothes. I asked if she knew where Applejack was.

"What?"

"I said do you know where Applejack is?" I'll spare you the details of how long it took to get this message across to the old lady. Some things are better left forgotten.

When she finally understood me, she pointed right at me. I turned around to find Applejack trying her hardest not to laugh.

"Yeah, thanks for the help there. Anyway, Rarity wanted to know if you could watch the girls for her for a little while. She's a bit busy with a big order."

"I reckon I could do that for a bit, though I hardly think they need it."

"See, that's what I said. Though honestly, they do seem to have a bit of a problem thinking about consequences of their actions. Damn near killed me, Pinkie Pie, and Angel today. Until one of the set gets a bit of common sense, it's probably better that someone is around to supervise."

"What kinda scheme did they think up that could have hurt a human, a pony, and a little bunny?"

"The kind that involves a giant ramp and a wagon. Apparently the plan was to put Angel in the wagon and to push him down, then catch up and become animal rescuers. Pinkie Pie jumped in the wagon at the last instant, thinking it was some kind of ride. I almost got run over, then somehow got roped into helping them be human rescuers instead."

"Sounds like you have a hard time saying no to ponies."

"Let's see you say no to Applebloom's puppy dog face."

"I'm her big sister. That's my job."

"Psh. Cheater."

"Oh, that reminds me of something. Rainbow Dash came by earlier, asking about stuff that happened when we got her drunk. I didn't tell her anything, but I'm thinking she has a bone to pick with you about that comment you said about Big Macintosh."

"God, I was hoping she was too hung over to remember that… I hope you didn't tell her anything."

"I didn't say a word. Couldn't hold back a smile, though. She definitely suspects we know something."

"Let her keep on suspecting. Don't mention it at all, even if she does tell you later."

"I don't see why we can't talk about it. I don't see any harm in it."

"The way I figure, if she hasn't told anyone, she probably doesn't want to talk about it. I'm perfectly willing to respect that. If she wants to bring it up, she will, and we can talk about it freely then. Not like it really matters, anyway, unless you were planning on playing matchmaker with her."

"I don't think that would go over very well."

"Agreed. I was actually trying to find Rainbow Dash this morning, when I got sidetracked by the girls and then by Rarity. But I guess if she made it here then she's pretty well okay. I'll just have to try to avoid her now, so she won't be able to get me back for it…"

"I'm sure if she does try to get you back, she won't actually hurt you to do it. Most of what she does is just relatively harmless pranks."

"True enough, I suppose, but I'd still rather avoid any retribution for what I, at least, consider a real experiment. It may have been hatched as an idea for a prank, but I was honestly interested in the results."

"Well, that either makes you more or less honest than me. I was in it to get her back for some pranks she did to me a while back."

"I'm sure it was well deserved, and I'm sure it concluded the matter. Anyway, I should probably get back to Rarity to tell her the news before she gets completely absorbed in whatever she's doing. You know how she is."

"I sure do. See you around, Nav."

While I was on walking back to Rarity's house in the loose light of the fading day, my combat instincts—honed from more time than I would ever admit playing more games that I'd ever admit—warned me to duck. Sadly, my body is not as fast as my mind, especially after the beating I had taken earlier that day.

So I found myself unceremoniously lifted and flying through the air, held aloft by two recognizable blue legs—I swear, I don't think these ponies have joints or bones in their legs. I heard laughing right above me, and looked up to confirm my suspicion.

"I hope you don't mind heights, Navarone," Rainbow Dash yelled to me over the wind.

I did, in fact, mind heights, but I'd be buggered before I let her know that. I just grit my teeth and hung on for dear life, trying not to imagine myself as the first and only human to have become a pancake in ponyland.

After a while flying, I shouted up at her, "If you drop me, I'll drag myself out of whatever afterlife I land in and haunt you. I don't imagine your house is ghost proof!"

"So I just have to make sure not to kill you!" I didn't much like the sound of that.

Long story short, after several faked false drops, I found out that it was, in fact, possible for a human to be in her house. A very, very small part of her house. Feeling around the base of the room I was trapped in revealed that most of it was immaterial. I immediately took a dislike to the area.

"So, you have me trapped. Now what?"

"I could just let you stew for a few days, you know. The spell I asked Twilight to cast here should last at least that long."

"Should is the key word there. You may be a bit rash, but you're no murderer. You brought me here for a purpose, one that could very likely have been taken care of on the ground in a more… mundane… discussion."

"Yeah, I probably could have kept you on the ground for that. But there'd be no guarantees you'd tell the truth down there!"

"Just as you have no guarantees I'll tell any kind of truth up here. I'm assuming that you want to know more about the test I ran. There were a very small number of witnesses, and they'll all agree on what I say, and what I told you after we conducted it."

"There was a teensy bit of information you might have said that I want clarification on. I think you know what I'm talking about."

"Might have said? You kidnapped me for something I 'might have said?' I have a bit of a problem with that."

"I'm sure you'll get over it. Now, I'll ask again: What happened that night?"

"Again? You never asked in the first place. I just guessed—correctly—that you were going to ask about it, and told you my piece before you said anything. But since I can see you are considering pushing me to see what happens, I will tell you. Applejack and I ran a few experiments. You gave us information. As it turns out, Applejack was more into it for the prank side of the equation than for the scientific side, but I'm still pleased with the results."

"Funny. She said the opposite was true of you." I shrugged at that. "Whatever. Tell me more about the… tests."

"We had you try to fly, which was very amusing. We also tested your mental processes, which was also very amusing."

I could tell she wanted more, but I knew I could outwait her.

Sure enough, she asked impatiently, "And?"

"And what? That's pretty much what we did."

"You're not telling me what I want to know!"

"No, I'm not telling you what you want to hear. There is a very big difference."

"Maybe I will leave you up here for a few days. I bet some time spent with your head in the clouds will put something more in that insufferably logical mind of yours!"

"There is plenty enough emotion in my mind. I just choose not to show it when explaining experimental procedure. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to take the lid off, I would rather quickly inundate you with anger. That would be a bit of a bad idea, as you've kidnapped me and are the only person that knows I'm up here, but it would be satisfying for a short while."

"You… You are definitely not a pony. So that's all that happened? Just tests? No flirting with Big MacIntosh?"

"As far as I know, you didn't do any flirting with Big MacIntosh." Doesn't mean he didn't try any on you, though…

"As far as you know? That's comforting…" She harrumphed. "But I really wasn't planning on keeping you here that long. I'm sure Twilight would say something if her new favorite conversational partner disappeared." With that, she wrapped her front legs around me again, and took off.

It is an interesting feeling, flying like that. I wasn't paying as much attention before, thinking she'd still want revenge of some kind. This time, though, I tried paying a lot more attention.

So it was a lot more surprising when we were passing over a lake and she dropped me. My reflexes woke up this time and pulled overtime as I managed to grab onto one of her legs as she was sailing away snickering, and pulled myself up and onto her back. No, I don't know how. I wasn't really paying attention at the time.

That, readers, was a mistake. I rode a few horses and even a cow or two when I was a lot younger. Before I…er, developed. Those encounters did nothing at all to prepare me for a wild bucking flying mare that's doing her utmost to remove an indignity from her proud back. I held on for dear life as she did her best to remove me. I would have made everyone at any rodeo cheer for me, even though I didn't handicap myself with one hand in the air. Both were wrapped around her neck, trying to make sure I didn't fall off as she did everything she could to dislodge me.

Finally, as we were both getting completely exhausted, I tried reasoning with her. "You could just set me down!"

I was very surprised when she suddenly seemed to click on and say, "That's… that's not a bad idea…"

So it was that we found ourselves with both of my feet and all of hers planted firmly on the ground.

We both said something at the same time that painted a completely different picture. "Never again!" and "That was awesome!" Guess who said what.

"I never knew you humans could do that!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"I… I didn't know I could, either. Remind me to never ride any of you again… God, I'm going to be feeling this for weeks."

"What do you mean, never do that again! How else are you going to help me train for the sky rodeo?"

"If the sky rodeo is a real thing—and God I hope it's not—why on earth would you want me to help you train for it? I'm the only bloody human here!"

"It's not a real thing. Yet. But just think! You're the only human here, as you said. If we were to have some kind of competition like that among pegasi to see who can knock you off the fastest, it could be a huge spectacle sport! We could get the Wonderbolts here, and they could see ME in all my glory, showing them all who's the best in yet another sport!"

"I see a few glaring flaws in your plan. First, as soon as I got bucked off, I'd go falling to the ground to crack my flaming skull. Second, since I'm the only human, I'd get more and more tired as the event goes on, making it harder for me to keep up. Third, despite what you may think, I'm actually a bit terrified of heights. I don't think I'm at Fluttershy's level of fear, but there's a reason I reacted so fast when you tried to bloody drop me."

"As many fliers as we'll have up there, you won't need to worry about falling more than a few feet. You'll be caught almost instantly by somepony. And we can easily have Twilight find a spell that completely revitalizes you! And surely you can get over a small bit of fear in order to help me succeed with my dream!"

How do I keep getting roped into this crap? I sighed. "If, and I do stress the if, you manage to get enough pegasi interested, I'm in. But if I die I will haunt you. And it won't be a pleasant haunting. There are a lot of very, very scary things in my world that I haven't mentioned to anyone here, and my imagination is vast."

"You won't regret it!" With that, she flew off. I knew almost immediately that I would likely regret it. Hopefully I'd at least live long enough to regret it. Not like I wanted kids anyway.

I sighed and tried to get my bearings. In the waning light, it was a bit difficult. I found I wasn't that far from the town, and could probably get back to Rarity's shop before night fell. Why did she even want me to ask Applejack this question before the bloody kids needed watching?

A little note from your friend Discord:

Anyone actually reading this that has half a mind might notice something a bit odd about the preceding section. Namely, that I'm so much taller than Rainbow Dash and yet was able to ride her without too many problems.

There is one big issue here: The height difference. My height changes if I sit on a pony, due to my magic. I told Celestia I would keep some of my powers, you see.

I am omnipotent and my powers are limitless. 'Some' of infinity is still infinity.

I have wondered numerous times myself why this height change has never been noticed by any of the ponies. I don't get it; I didn't do anything to them to make them not notice. They're just really unobservant, I suppose.