Chapter One—Wherein I'm introduced to some kind of horses or something

So tired… Bloody insomnia, bloody internet, and bloody caffeine. It's amazing what tricks your brain can pull when you've put up with sleep deprivation for the past few weeks. Right now, it appears that a horse is talking to me.

Maybe I should explain, since these are supposed to be diary entries in case something ever goes wrong. This is my diary, and if you're reading you're a terrible person and you need to stop. Unless I'm dead, in which case I don't honestly guess it matters anymore. I hope my funeral was nice.

I am an eighteen year old high school student, nearing the end of my reign as a senior. College looms, and as the days go by and the work on the road to college mounts, my sleep schedule completely shattered. I am now adrift in the apathetic sea of complete exhaustion, brought almost to my knees in mental anguish as my body struggles to cope. I've long since found that caffeine has the reverse effect on me, but I can't help but try to keep some fluids in me, and all I have left is this bloody acid called coke we humans are so fond of ingesting.

That's the mindset I was in when the 'Initial Incident' happened.

I had finally, finally managed to snatch a few hours of sleep after a large amount of overly difficult calculus work. I slept the sleep of the dead, with no dreams disturbing the blackness of my chaotic mind. I gathered, later, that I was out for maybe an hour or two. A good spell, for me, though it was hardly comforting as I fell asleep in my full regalia: Black shirt, camo jean shorts, a sturdy leather belt with an extensive set of pockets, a watch, socks, and I somehow managed to forget to take my shoes off. I thank myself for that every day, now… In my pockets I carried my usual assortment of gadgets: A butterfly knife—just in case, a lighter, a pair of gloves, a wallet, and my keys. It was not a good rest.

I awoke to a strong pulling sensation. Wearily, I looked down at my legs, and noticed they weren't there anymore. My mind, sluggish from the short bit of sleep, took several seconds to realize that I was missing half my body. When it did, panic ensued. Christ almighty, but that was freaky as hell.

Of course, the pulling sensation didn't end with my legs. I hope I was alone in the house that day, because my screams of terror would have jarred my family quite terribly. After several minutes, my entire body up to my head had disappeared. I got tired of yelling and forced my mouth shut.

A second later, I was gone.

Bright, bright white light. White, or was it blue? Pink? Maybe yellow… The colors in the world were shifting, changing faster than my beleaguered mind could identify. I think I saw a few I couldn't even recognize.

Suddenly, the shifting stopped, and I was left with a searing pain in my eyes. I was somehow floating, it felt. I tried opening my eyes, to find they were already open. I was effectively blind.

Suddenly, a feminine voice cut through the silence. "Not quite what I was expecting… Take a note: The subject appears disoriented. There is little hair covering it, though it wears clothes. Its head appears to be covered mostly in hair, with a nose, lips, two eyes, two ears, and hair covering just about everything else." Her voice droned on, describing this 'subject' with much detail. My mind sorted through some of the details, until I realized she had to be describing me. I have a beard, you see…

"Uh… Hello?" I managed through trembling lips.

"It speaks! And it knows Equestrian! Spike, note this all down. Record everything it says," the feminine voice spoke.

"Are you sure you want to speak about it like that? The thing looks and sounds intelligent…" a more masculine, though childish, voice replied to her.

"There are varying degrees of intelligence, boy," I answered him. "There's book learning, wisdom, and common bloody sense. From the sounds of things, your scientist over there has at least one of those," I said, with a small amount of hostility. "I'm hardly a 'subject' to study, and my eyes flaming hurt. Whatever you're doing, hurry it up, release me and get me a doc or something. I want to make sure I'm not blinded by whatever stunt you pulled." I could tell they were a bit taken aback by my speech.

"The subject—"

"I have a name, lass. I'd appreciate it if you used it, or at least if you called me a person instead of pretending I'm a science project," I said. "I'd be happy to give you my name, if you'd reciprocate. And maybe find me something for my eyes."

She huffed, angered at my tone and my rough treatment of her. She must not be used to teenagers, I thought to myself. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is Spike. Now, what is your name?" she asked me.

"Navarone, at your service," I replied, the lie coming easily to my lips. I have always heard that it's a good idea not to give captors many details about your life, and Navarone is a name I've used in the past so it wouldn't be too hard to answer to. "Now, would you kindly tell me where I am, how I got here, and who you are?" My mind was roiling, trying to keep up with the verbal sparring and trying to process more details. My eyes were starting to hurt less, but they were still blinded.

"A question for a question seems fair to me," she said. I might have been wrong about her, I thought. Maybe some common sense after all. "Where do you come from?"

"Hardly an original question, but seeing as how I still seem to be restrained, we'll play your game." Not knowing how to answer, I told her the truth, relatively. I'm a bit of a sarcastic bastard… "United States of America, North Western Hemisphere, planet Earth, solar system Sol, galaxy Milky Way, third dimension. Now, where are we? More specifically than my answer, that is."

"Your answer told me little, but that's about what I suspected when I asked… My answer will tell you just as little, though, so it's fair. Equestria," she told me, with a hint of a smile in her voice. "What species are you?"

"Equestria? I may be American, but I've seen a few maps. If you want to give me crap answers, maybe I should do the same for you."

"I told you it wouldn't help. Answer the question, please."

"Bah! Human. Technical name Homo sapiens." Due to my lack of sleep, it didn't occur to me at the time why she would be asking something like that. "How did I get here? I remember finally managing to get to sleep, after a long period of severe deprivation, when I got pulled somewhere else."

"Spike, write that down. Human… Put simply, I used a spell to summon you here. I don't really know the equivalent word in your world." Suddenly, my mind started to make a few connections. Before I could act on them, I was being questioned again. "You are wearing clothing. What is it made of?"

My mind was alive, sparking with questions and possible answers. I knew I had to keep playing her game, though. "The shirt is cotton, I think. The pants are denim. The socks are probably cotton. The shoes are rubber and plastic, I think. Now I might know the right question to ask. What the bloody hell are you?" I asked her, partly dreading the answer.

She smiled. How I could tell, with my eyes not working, I don't know. I could just feel it. "I," she said, "am a pony. Welcome, human Navarone, to Equestria."

I floated, a bit dumbstruck. My first thought was honestly aliens. I discounted that when I heard her voice. It was too… kind… to be from something like that. My second thought was some kind of teleportation experiment from some government or another. A bloody talking pony never even entered my mind as a possibility. I have to admit, it took me by surprise.

"Your skin appears to have very little hair on it. Why is that?" she asked me.

"Wait, wait, wait. You're a bloody talking horse. What the hell is he?" I asked, referring to Spike. "Don't tell me: A bloody talking rat?"

"I could count that as your next question, but I'd prefer you answer mine first."

"Besides," Spike said with an insulted tone, "everypony knows rats can't talk."

And everyone knows ponies can't talk either… Wait, did he say everypony? I had to admit, panic was creeping back into my mind. It was being overshadowed by anger, of course. Seeing few options available to me, and knowing I needed information, I kept playing her game. "Evolution, mixed with fashion preference. A long time ago, humans had more hair on them to keep them warm without clothes. We slowly fought our way to sentience, and learned that clothes were better for warmth than a lot of hair. So we started wearing clothes and the like to keep warm. Eventually, so much hair fell out of fashion, and natural selection worked on it, slowly. I'm willing to bet, in a few thousand more years, we won't have much left. Now, what is your friend Spike?"

"He's a baby dragon," she said, matter-of-factly. "I got a bit from your explanation, but what is evolution?"

"A bloody dragon? Christ almighty, the situations I find myself in… Evolution… It is a principle of science. Sometimes, a mutation will occur in a species. An easy example would be innate blindness in a cave fish. Say the rest of the fish can still see, they haven't been trapped there long or something. This one fish that was born blind will have a small advantage, as he won't have to worry as much about energy since his eyes don't work. The other fish have eyes, but they can't see in the darkness. Their eyes are just taking up small amounts of energy. The blind fish will need less energy to survive, and thus live longer to reproduce more often. That way, his genes will spread better through the fish. Eventually, there's a decent probability that all the fish in the cave will be born blind. But, outside of a cave, the blind fish would likely be eaten by a predator before he can age to reproduce. His unfitness would get him killed, so his crappy genes wouldn't spread as far," I explained. "What do you intend to do with me?"

"Interesting theory. It even makes sense, in a way. I hope you got all that, Spike… Now, as to what I'm going to do with you… Well, I haven't quite decided yet. I honestly wasn't expecting to summon anything sentient, or from away from this world. I don't know if I can send you back. That spell was supposed to conjure a weakened member of the most dangerous species in the world for study. You don't seem particularly dangerous…" Spell? A talking pony with magic. The turns my life takes, man.

"Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with my blindness. Or the restraints I can't quite feel. Or the long sleep deprivation I've had. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm coherent enough for this conversation. Gotta love adrenaline, I guess." Suddenly, something she said hit me. "Wait, you can't send me back?"

"There wasn't a spell for it, and experimenting with new magic is usually suicidal, at least magic on that scale. I truly do apologize for it… I know an apology won't make it up, but there's really nothing I can do. I can look for a counterspell, but I can make no promises," she said, truly sounding sad and morose.

I sighed. "If I promise not to attack you, will you at least release me?"

I could practically hear the gears in her mind grinding. "You don't understand," she said at last. "If that spell worked correctly, you are the most dangerous species in the universe. It was supposed to only summon monsters from this world, but you aren't listed in any reference book I've seen. You could say you wouldn't hurt me, and then turn around and, well, hurt me."

"Good of you to be cautious. There are some of my species who would do that. Hell, just looking at me in a biological sense would tell you I'm a predator. Eyes facing forward, bipedal, canine teeth. I, however, am relatively pacifistic until you do something to really, really piss me off. Also, I'm blind, in case you somehow forgot. And you have magic, sharp hooves, and a dragon. What harm could I possibly do?"

"He's right, Twilight. Also, you could at least remove the blindness thing," Spike said, feeling a bit better about me for the hidden compliment. I was beginning to like that kid.

Wait, blindness restraint? I thought. "I'm blind because of you? Jesus, lass, turn that shit off! At least look me in the eyes before you decide my ultimate fate!" I was more than a little angry.

I could tell she was taken aback by my harsh speech.

I growled unpleasantly. "If you don't want to see how violent, dangerous, and strong humanity is, I suggest letting me see. You may have magic, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. It might be wise not to piss of the most dangerous species in the universe, especially when you know almost nothing about us."

After a few seconds, I started to wonder if she changed her mind. I opened my mouth to ask, when the fog blocking my vision started to clear. Grimly, I closed my mouth and did my best to look about the world in which I was held captive.

I appeared to be in either a library or a study. Books lined shelves partially inlaid in walls. I was held, suspended by nothing, a few feet over the floor. I could see part of the second floor from where I hung. All the furnishing appeared to be wooden.

My captors were not quite what I was expecting. The dragon was considerably smaller than I would have guessed, childish voice aside. I reminded myself he was a baby dragon, and figured they really meant baby. He was purple and green, with wide eyes. Twilight was… purple. A purple talking horse. Then I noticed she had a horn. A purple talking unicorn, it appeared. Hey, why not? Her mane was dark blue, with a deep violet line down the middle. Her tail was the same. Even her eyes were purple. Not a horse, I realized after seeing how small she was. She really was a pony. She was looking at me with what appeared to be a hint of fear, wonder, and confusion. It was hard for me to tell; I was hardly a people person, and she had a bloody horse face.

Blinking my eyes rapidly, I took in all these details in seconds. "That's better," I said. "We have horses and ponies where I'm from, but I've never seen a purple one. Or a unicorn. Today is a day full of surprises, it appears…" It's amazing what you think about in situations like those. Not like many people ever find them in one, of course.

"For you and me both," she replied. "I think I'll have to talk to the princess before I can release your other bonds. I'm really sorry, but I don't want to risk releasing a dangerous animal among my people."

"He doesn't look so tough to me. I bet if you brought in Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they could crush him before he could so much as blink," Spike told her. I couldn't help but smile at how he perceived me. Admittedly, I wasn't feeling so hot, but if push came to shove I could probably do a bit of damage to whoever it was thought they could crush me. Especially if I could get to my knife, or my weighted gloves…

"Again, I do understand your hesitation. I hardly inspire confidence with my appearances. Perhaps you could bring in a friend or something to watch me when you make your call," I asked with a small amount of hope. A girl like this, I was hoping, would have some weaker willed friends I could get to release me. I really didn't want to hurt them, but I did want to be able to move again.

"Call?" she asked. "I don't know what you mean. Spike, send the report to Celestia."

With a flourish, he coughed up a small ball of flame and burned the message. I flinched.

She noticed my movement. "Don't worry, it's just how we send messages quickly. Her response shouldn't take long. If you have any more questions, I could try to answer them."

"Who wrote all these books?" I asked. My mind still wasn't working too well, and this seemed an obvious fault at the time. "You don't have any thumbs, and dragons stay that small for only so long."

"You'd be surprised how long dragons take to grow," she said. "But really, unicorns write most of them. We can manipulate objects with magic. It's just more convenient to have an assistant help me with field work."

I nodded, having done some work like that myself. "You were supposed to summon something really dangerous. This room isn't all that big. What if whatever you had summoned was too big? Or what if it had been able to break through your spells?"

She seemed a bit taken aback. "I… I hadn't really thought of that." So much for her having common sense. "I suppose that's why the spell was supposed to summon a weakened version of the species. I guess I messed up somewhere, though, because I've never heard of anything like you before."

"Why would you be trying to summon something like that anyway?"

"To find its weaknesses, of course. Equestria isn't entirely safe. I figured I could summon something, study it, and then have it sent back to where ever it came from in the world. But you don't come from this world."

I tried to shrug, but the invisible restraints around me wouldn't allow it. "Why are you sending that message to the princess, instead of the king or queen? Did she commission the experiment?"

She looked at me oddly. "Queen? King? We don't have those in Equestria."

"Odd. In my world, the king and queen rule, while the princess is in training to either rule or be wed off for power. The king and queen are the parents, while the princess is the daughter of them. Even then, monarchy fell out of style with a lot of my world, but I'm hardly here to provoke a political uprising…"

"The princess has always been our ruler. Celestia reigns alongside her sister, Luna, now. They have recently been reconciled after centuries of separation and bitterness."

I was about to comment on that when Spike suddenly convulsed and belched out smoke, fire, and a scroll.

It's an odd feeling, to have your life left up to a mysterious benefactor, communicating solely through a flaming scroll. If possible, I would have crossed my fingers.

The scroll gently floated down and Spike caught it with experienced hands. Opening it, he intoned: "My dearest Twilight, you should know better than to play with dangerous magic, especially with no pony else knowing what you're doing in case something goes wrong. However, what's done is done. I trust your judgment in dealing with this creature. If he is as dangerous as you think he is, I suggest getting your friends together in case he tries to hurt you or escape. Just be careful, and remember that I will come if you call, as always. Your loving teacher, Celestia." His recitation ended, Spike folded up the scroll and looked to Twilight.

"I'll listen to her suggestion. I don't think Pinkie Pie or Rarity could help much if he turned out dangerous… Spike, go get Rainbow Dash. Tell her to find Applejack and Fluttershy, and to let them know we have an emergency here. Don't give any details, just tell her to hurry, and tell no one else but them."

"Fluttershy? Are you sure you want her mixed up in this?" he asked her.

"Trust me, Spike. Go," she told him. He went. "Now, Navarone, tell me why we shouldn't leave you restrained until you're too weak to do any harm."

I smiled grimly. "If you keep me up here that long, there's a good chance you'll be waiting until I die. If you do decide I'm weakened and you let me down, there's no telling how much animosity might have built in me by then. I don't usually hold grudges and I try to never hurt anyone, but I make exceptions for those who try to hurt others, especially when those others include me."

She didn't look happy at that. "Just… stop talking for now. I'll decide what to do when the others get here… Don't talk to them, either, until I tell you it's okay."

I mockingly bowed my head. "As you command, jail mistress." She actually stuck her tongue out at me.

We didn't have to wait long. Spike came running in after a few minutes to see us making faces at each other. He looked on, confused for a minute, before reporting. "I found Rainbow Dash, but she was with Pinkie. I told her separately, but Pinkie knows something is wrong. I don't know what she'll do, though…"

"We'll deal with her if we have to, but she probably won't be a problem. You know how she is. Is Rainbow Dash on her way?"

"Of course. She doesn't know exactly what's wrong, but if there's an emergency you know she'll be at her fastest," he told her.

"Good. Now, Navarone, is there anything you want to tell me about before the others arrive?"

"Well," I started. "I have hidden about my body some weapons. I wasn't going to tell you, just in case, but right now honesty seems a bit more of a better policy than silence. I have a knife in my right upper pocket, a set of weighted gloves in my left and right lower pockets, a set of keys in my left upper pocket, a wallet in my right lower pocket, and a lighter in my upper left. They can't exactly do me much good up here, but I figure it's probably better you know now than find out when you release me…"

"I don't know what half of those are," she told me. "If that's what you carry with you when you sleep, maybe it's a good thing I kept you up there…" I couldn't help but smile at that. "Now, though, stop talking. I want the others to see you as I first did, with no bias of your words. I'll use their judgments as a basis for what the rest of the world will see."

I sighed and nodded my assent. Again, it was a brief wait. It wasn't long before a copper pony with golden hair and green eyes ran in, half-way knocking the door down. She was… wearing a cowboy hat. They have a talking dragon. Why not add clothes? I saw her hair and tail were tied off at the ends.

"What's the emergency, Twilight?" the new pony asked, fixing me with a rancid glare. "Is this critter here doing something to hurt you? Looks like you got it trussed up real tight." Her accent was extremely southern.

I gave her a look, then closed my eyes and tried to relax a bit. "No, he's not a threat right now. But I want some other opinions on him before I let him down. I'll tell you more when the others get here," Twilight told her.

This time, the wait was almost instantaneous. I might have fallen asleep, I was so tired. Suddenly, a blast of wind set me rocking in my invisible binds. I opened my eyes to find a set of dark pink irises glaring at me. I tried to recoil, and managed to open my eyes wide enough to find the set of eyes fixed on me were attached to a pony. My shock was still registering when I noticed she had wings. Talking ponies, unicorns, dragons, and now a bloody pegasus? What other surprises await me? I gave the newcomer a relaxed grin, trying to look disarming. I saw she was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored mane. Rainbow Dash, I presume?

"Aw, this thing doesn't look so scary to me," the one I thought to be Rainbow Dash said with much brashness. "It looks about harmless. No strong hooves, no horn, its teeth are small enough. I don't know why you need us here."

"Looks can be deceiving," Twilight said. "There's something about this one that I don't trust just yet."

"I feel it too," Applejack muttered. "Something about his eyes that seem off. Fluttershy, you're used to dealing with animals. What can you tell us about it?"

I didn't even notice the other pony there, she was so quiet and unassuming. She was a bright yellow, with a flowing pink mane. She was looking at me with a curious but fearful gaze. I saw she also had wings. Applejack had to prod her to get her to speak up, and then she spoke so quietly I almost couldn't hear her. "He scares me," she started.

"Doesn't take much to do that," Rainbow joked at her. Twilight motioned her to stop, and looked at Fluttershy to continue.

"There's something about him that seems unnatural. I've never seen anything like him and I've been dealing with animals most of my life. I think it's a good thing you have him restrained, Twilight." Her voice was soft as silk, I noticed. I could see where she got her name. She was so quiet, so shy, and her wings looked dainty. I could imagine her fluttering about the sky like a little butterfly.

"Spike, you have anything to add?" Twilight asked him, seeing his incredulous looks between Applejack and Fluttershy.

"It just doesn't seem fair to condemn him so quickly," he said. "He's done nothing to us but look odd and be weird. Haven't we learned our lesson about that from Zecora?" They all had the decency to look abashed, whoever Zecora was.

Twilight was the first to break the silence. "I wasn't entirely honest with you all, when you got here. Our… guest… can speak." Amid their odd looks, she continued. "Navarone, say something."

I was about bursting to say something, with all their innate condemnations of me. "You know I'm intelligent and educated, Twilight. You also know I am what you decided to summon. It's not my fault that I'm here. Given the choice, I'd happily be back in my bed, which you were so kind to rip me out of. I've been honest with you up until now." Mostly. "I told you what I have with me, and how tired I am. I don't know why I should say anything more until you decide what to do with me, unless you want to hold me here as an exhibit for your friends." I said this last bit with an added burst of hostility, and a few glares for the ponies that were now staring at me with a mix of horror and fascination.

They were silent for some moments. Applejack was the first to break the silence. "You know, sugarcube, he's right," she said. "If what he said is true, then it ain't fair to keep him up there."

Rainbow Dash quickly added her two cents. "Applejack is right. I say let him down. If he tries anything, we can take him."

Fluttershy was silent, and was looking as though she was trying to find something or someone to hide behind. Twilight deliberated for a minute or two.

"I guess I should tell you all the whole story, then…" She spent a few minutes recounting the tale of my conjuration, most of what I said, and about the gear I had secreted about me. "I don't want to hold him forever, and the princess did give me leave to do as I felt was right, but the spell was made to summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Should we really risk letting him go?"

So much for not biasing them…

"We could leash him," suggested Rainbow. I gave her the nastiest glare I could, and she had the grace to look away, blushing slightly. "Never mind…"

"I've already said I have no intention of hurting anyone. If you won't believe me now then I doubt you ever will. I refuse to be part of a zoo, so if you don't plan on releasing me soon you might as well gore me to death with that pretty little horn you have there," I said to Twilight. She looked sick at the thought of goring something, and turned slightly greenish. The others appeared shocked that I would even suggest something like that. Fluttershy started making little whimpering noises.

I could tell she might be my ticket to freedom. The others seemed to trust her judgment more than each other. I could use that. I looked at her imploringly. She flinched. "Fluttershy, I can tell you're not one to hurt any living thing. Could you live with yourself if you let them keep me here, pinned and friendless? I am no criminal, nor have I done anything to hurt anything in this world. I just got here, and you all seem innately against me, just because I'm different. You may think I'm dangerous, but would you rather trust a spell or your own eyes?"

I am not good at begging for my life. It was a first for me, and admittedly not my best moment.

The ensuing silence lasted a while. I did my best to look as innocent and downtrodden as I could, trying to get Fluttershy or one of the others to feel some kind of pity. I hated the act.

Twilight was the first to speak up. "I think we need to talk about this, away from him. Spike, watch him. If he starts breaking free, make as much noise as you can and we'll be there right away." With that, the ponies walked out of the library, trying to keep as much space between me and them as possible. I was left with the dragon.

"Tell me true, son. What are my chances for getting out of this mess?" I asked him. He looked at me, startled.

"Son? What? Anyway, you're gonna be fine. I don't think anypony here would hurt you for no reason. I don't know when they'll let you go, but they won't hurt you," he told me. "How about you tell me about your humans?"

I sighed, and delved straight into a long lecture about political theories, comparing democracy, despotism, and monarchies and how they would fare under the economic systems of capitalism, communism, and socialism. He quickly shushed me, and we waited in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, the ponies came back in. Fluttershy looked terrified, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked determined, and Twilight looked… resigned. I had a good feeling.

"Don't make any sudden movements," Twilight warned me. That was all I got before being unceremoniously dropped to the floor. I landed hard and did my best to force my weary knees to catch me.

I slowly straightened my back, loudly popping it as it cracked into a straight line. I saw that I stood at least a head over the ponies, and around three feet over the little dragon. I folded my arms over my chest and stood calmly, awaiting their next move.

"I would ask that you empty your pockets. If you want us to give you any degree of freedom, we can't have you walking around with anything dangerous," Twilight told me.

Sighing slightly, I did as she asked. There was not a table near me, so I knelt down and emptied my pockets. There was a nice little collection in front of me. I jumped a little as Twilight's horn started glowing and the objects drifted off the floor and slowly sailed towards her. "I wouldn't play with some of those, if I were you. You might get hurt," I warned.

She took my hint and moved them to a small table at the edge of the room. "We'll go over them later, I guess. For now, we have to decide what to do with you. It's getting late, and I really don't want to leave you with any means of hurting anypony…"

I did my best to look hurt. "Come now, lass. I've done everything you asked, and offered a bit more. I didn't have to tell you about my tools, and I could have fled as soon as you dropped me. No offense to your friends, but you would be hard pressed to stop me if I really wanted to get away. You have nothing to fear from me, as long as you continue to treat me fair."

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked a bit insulted at my estimations of their worth, and Fluttershy paled even more.

Spike quickly spoke up in my defense, oddly enough. "Twilight, I really don't think he wants to hurt us. I say we let him stay here, at least for the night. We have an extra bed, after all." I could see this kid was really going to be useful.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren't very happy with that plan. "You want to leave him in the middle of Ponyville?" Applejack asked. I snorted at the name of the town. "We could easily take him to my place in the fields. If he turns out to be dangerous after all, we'll be in a much better area in which to stop him."

Rainbow Dash looked at me askance, before turning her eyes back on Twilight. "Better than that, you could use that spell on him to make him able to walk on clouds, then I could take him to my place and leave him there for the night. There would literally be nowhere for him to go, or anypony for him to hurt."

Twilight took a second to consider. "Moving him would be too risky. Too many ponies around. If they see him, they might panic, or ask questions we don't have time to answer yet. Both of those plans are good possibilities for later, if we need them, but for now they wouldn't quite work. There's nothing for it but to leave him here and hope he sticks to his word…"

I smiled triumphantly. "However," she continued, "I wouldn't mind the company, if you two wanted to stay here and help me watch him. Fluttershy, you're welcome to go home; you haven't been able to look at him easily since I let him down."

Fluttershy looked at her, a bit flustered. "I'll stay here, just in case. I won't let my friends down, and there might still be something I can do." The others, not to be outdone by this quiet pony's easy assent, quickly added their voices to hers in confirming their readiness to watch over me.

"Come now, ladies, there's no real need to guard me this much. I already said I intend no damage, and I always keep my word," I told them. They gave me that typical woman look. At least some things never change. I sighed and said offhanded to Spike, "Where I come from, there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works." He burst out laughing, and I got at least a smile out of Rainbow Dash before she quickly smoothed her face. I snapped my fingers in defeat. "Fine, watch me if you must. I see it'll be hard to earn your trust."

I won't go over the details, but it was a long and boring night. I couldn't get much sleep, as they insisted on leaving lights on to watch me. It was just another typical night of restlessness for me, though they all looked weak and weary even after the sun rose.

There was a window in the room in which we slept. Through it I watched the moon sink and the sun rise through the long night. Shadows played over the walls through what I later realized were leaves. It turns out I was inside a giant tree. When the sun rose proper, I was able to get a good look at the land in which I was now a permanent resident.

I had never seen a more colorful landscape. Flowers littered the ground in seemingly random jumbles. The grass was a beautiful and vibrant shade of green. The buildings were elegantly designed with maximum aesthetic appeal in mind. They glowed with every shade of color I could imagine. Looking at the sky, I could see a few pegasi in the clouds, looking like they were trying to push the clouds around.

Before I could notice many more details, I was pulled back from the window. I turned to see Twilight appear to shrug before saying, "Sorry, but I don't want to risk anypony seeing you just yet." I stepped back to the other side of the room.

"What's the agenda today? More interrogations, or are you just going to deliberate what to do with me?" I asked her. "And…" I felt my stomach shift, "I don't suppose you have any food that I would be able to eat?"

"After your good behavior last night," she said. I snorted. "—we were thinking of introducing you to two of my other friends," she continued. "And my friend Applejack brought you some—Wait. What can you eat?"

"Fruit. Meat." She shuddered at that and looked at me with an expression I was beginning to recognize at fear. "Some vegetables. What do ponies eat?"

She looked happier to be explaining something. "Fruit, vegetables, grass, flowers. Some of us even eat leaves, but we prefer not to talk about them… So you eat meat?"

"I can eat it, yes," I said. "But it is also possible for humans to live without it." Though it sucks when you have to. "With Spike as an assistant, I don't know why you would find it so hard to accept something that does eat it."

"Spike doesn't eat meat," she answered, looking at me with something else in her face. Disgust, perhaps.

What the fuck kind of dragon doesn't eat meat? I shrugged. "You said your friend Applejack brought me something. I'm willing to bet my useless money that she brought me apples?" Twilight nodded. "I can eat apples, assuming they're the same apples we have in our world." Twilight sagged slightly and gave me what I assume was a smile.

I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She tried searching my face for something, but gave up. I felt the same way; I have no idea how to read a pony face. "Come on down to the main room," she said. "They're already here."

I followed her to the staircase and we descended into the foyer. I heard two astonished gasps.

"Oh my word, what is that… thing?" one of the new ponies said. She was another unicorn, I saw. Her main body was dead white, with a bright purple mane and tail. Her dark blue eyes looked at me with barely disguised fear.

The other reaction was not so rude, though it was just as startling. It was a very surprised squeal and a very fast uttering of words that I had no chance at all of interpreting. I saw this one was pink, with a darker pink mane that was rather massively curly. Her light blue eyes stared at me with glee.

I glared at the white one. "Nice to meet you too, tutz. I guess you learned your manners guarding a concentration camp?"

She had the grace to look ashamed, at least. I probably shouldn't have been so harsh, but sleep deprivation gave my words a sharper edge. Though, thinking about it, they probably had no idea what a concentration camp was…

Twilight cleared her throat. "Pinkie Pie, Rarity, this is Navarone. He is my… guest. He's a human."

I bowed mockingly.

"I'm sorry for my… outburst. I've just never seen anything like you," Rarity said.

"Consider it forgotten," I told her. "Where I come from, the exchange we had would not have needed apologizing, as our faults canceled each other out. I suppose I need to learn new rules here."

Pinkie had stopped her loud intonation. "What are you gonna do with him, Twilight? Can we keep him? Huh, huh?"

I could tell it was going to be a long day.

One long, long day later, I was still not that much closer to many answers. Apparently, these ponies had more technology than their simple accommodations gave them credit for. Twilight led me and her friends down to a cellar full of science equipment, and started to hook me up to some of it. I was feeling decidedly uncomfortable about the situation, and decided to make my position known.

"We're just running some tests," Twilight told me. "We have to make sure you don't have anything in you that might make us sick or unhealthy. Some of the containment spells I cast on you when you were summoned will be wearing off soon, and I don't want to risk anything. Cooperating will make us more willing to trust you."

Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot up and down my spine. "Oooh, that's what that does!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I was left speechless, smoking slightly, my hair thrown about.

Spitting out a bit of smoke, I managed to find my voice. "Son of a bitch! Don't. Do. That. Again. Why would you keep something like that in your bloody lab anyway?"

I could see Rainbow Dash struggling not to laugh at my disheveled appearance, but the others seemed a bit taken aback, either at my voice or the Pinkie Pie's rashness.

"Well, excuse me for being curious!" the pink one said. "It's not like you were seriously hurt."

"That's actually not supposed to happen," Twilight said. "In fact, I don't know how she did it." Seeing Pinkie Pie move to show her, Twilight quickly added, "And don't show me how it's done, either. I don't want him to turn violent…"

The rest of the testing went relatively smoothly, though I must admit a few of the tests had me a bit flustered. Some of their comments on the anatomical differences were also a bit… disconcerting. From their comments, I'd put these ponies at the age of young adults, maybe equivalent to our twenty year olds. All female, of course, aside from Spike. It was, as I said, a long day.

"So, as far as I can tell, you're healthy. I don't know much—well, anything—about human physiology, but you look okay, even after that nasty shock," Twilight told me.

It was nearing night again, and her friends actually left. I was surprised, and said as much.

"We're a trusting species," she told me. "Don't abuse our trust, and we'll get along fine. Besides, from some of your actions today, you seem like a decent sort. And from what I was able to tell of your condition from some of the other… tests," she said, blushing slightly, "you're hardly in a position to harm us, not without some kind of weapon."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said, flatly. "Now how am I to defend myself if you decide I am some kind of threat? Should I just roll over and accept death?"

"To answer the first question, you are obviously a threat. Just probably not to us, unless, as Pinkie demonstrated, we do something to anger or hurt you. Most ponies wouldn't do that. To answer the second, that would hopefully be your opinion on the matter, yes."

Not what I wanted to hear, precisely, but you can't always get what you want. Christ, but I was finding that out faster than most Africans do at a Red Cross aid station. Oh, and if I hadn't mentioned, I'm a terrible person. Usually.

The next morning found me sleeping in for quite a while. God help me, but the sleep deprivation was finally wearing off. I could feel myself returning to normal.

It was miserable. There's a reason, aside from school, that I keep myself so deprived. As I have said before, I'm a terrible person. Sleep deprivation gives me a decent excuse for this, and makes it somewhat understandable.

Then a realization hit me. My home quite literally did not exist at that moment, what with me being in another dimension or something. I could be anyone I wanted to be, as long as I could live with myself. No more putting on airs… I figured eighteen years wasn't too long to permanently ingrain a sense of self into someone. Is it?

It was with that thought that I got out of the guest bed. I was in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, which should have been the first sign of something bad about to come.

Twilight was waiting for me in the main room of her little hovel. Rarity was there with her, annoyingly. Not so much annoying as—well, fuck it. I said I was changing, so here it is: That pony gets on my nerves, raw and plain.

"Rarity is our chief fashion designer here in Ponyville. Since it looks like you're going to be here for the duration, it's important that you have something else to wear. Or at least, it's probably important to you. I honestly don't think it matters to most ponies. We wouldn't know the difference anyway," Twilight said.

"Besides, what you came here in is so… Ugh. Twilight doesn't want you seen outside this building yet, so I had to bring all my measuring tools here. I do hope you'll accept her offer. I would love the challenge, and the credit of being the first to design clothing for the newest discovered species!"

"I would love to accept, but I see a few problems. First, I have no way to pay for the labor. It hardly seems fair, in my mind. Second, don't you dare dress me up as a pompous twit. Keep it simple, lass. I don't know if you know how to make denim, but otherwise direct copies of my shirt and pants would be good. There's no way I'll blend in with the crowds, but that doesn't mean I have to stick out like a bloody sore thumb. If anyone asks why you didn't design better clothes, just tell them that this is the fashion back where I come from, and hope the fools don't decide to copy it."

She seemed a bit taken aback by my tirade, and possibly insulted. "I'm not quite certain what a twit is, but you can be certain nothing I dress you up in will make you look like one. And keeping it simple? Bah! That's what a laypony is for. I'm here to dress you up like what you are: The one and only member of a species no one has ever seen before! The mystery, the intrigue!" Her voice dropped, her lower lips quivered, and her eyes got big and teary at this next bit: "You wouldn't deny poor little me the opportunity of a lifetime, would you?"

I looked at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. "Fashion means nothing to me, lass. I don't care what everyone else is doing or what most of them think. As I said, if you're going to make me anything, keep it simple."

I honestly thought she was going to call me a heathen and try to strike me down. Sadly, Twilight stepped in. "I think what he means, Rarity, is that he doesn't want to cause too much of a scene. His appearance will already cause quite a bit of stir. No reason to make it worse unnecessarily."

Rarity still looked ready to fight, but one look at the combined front of reason made her sigh with resignation and get to work measuring me.

I will admit, she did a fine and thorough job of it, especially for having no hands. Magic has its uses, I suppose.

"Now, about payment, or something of that nature," I began. I didn't get any farther.

"Don't worry about it," I was told. I shrugged. Your fault I'm here anyway, I thought. Still, doesn't feel right.

Noticing their looks, I figured I would have to explain some human mannerisms. "Shrugging is basically a way of saying 'whatever.'" They were still confused. "Whatever is basically a way of saying 'okay, have it your way.'" That, they understood. Bloody women.

Measurements done, Rarity trundled away, muttering unpleasant things under her breath. As the door closed, I turned to Twilight. "She really didn't like that, did she?"

"She likes getting her way, and she lives for fashion. Meeting somepony who doesn't, and is willing to stick by that position, unnerved her and made her angry. You should be happy she didn't fight the issue," she told me.

"So, what's next on the agenda?" I asked. "Surely you have some other cruel or unusual test you need to run on me, or something else planned."

Sadly, she didn't rise to the bait. She was learning. "Next, you have a meeting with the mayor. Since you still can't exactly go wandering around Ponyville, she'll have to come here. That means you get to help me clean up. Seeing as how you have thumbs, it shouldn't be that hard."

"You have magic. Why can't you just magic the place clean?" I asked.

"There is no spell strong enough that could clean up this train wreck," she told me. I think she was exaggerating, myself. It's probably a good thing she couldn't see my room as I left it behind. Of course, if she had been able to see it, she probably wouldn't have seconded me to help clean…

"And where is your faithful helper in all this?" I asked. "Surely he knows better where all these books go than I would."

"He's talking to the mayor, actually. It's hard to tell her why I'm bringing her here without making it seem like I've done something worth everypony being here for or a waste of her time. So, get to cleaning."

I'll skip the cleaning. It was boring, though I did find they had a shitty categorical system. While we were cleaning, I learned a bit more about this world. I already knew about Celestia and Luna, but apparently the ponies here believed they raised and lowered the sun and moon. Now, in my world the sun rises and lowers by itself, and I wouldn't be so surprised to learn Celestia and Luna were lying about controlling them so they could force the ponies to keep them in power.

That said, I'm not stupid enough to mention it. If my suspicions were true, my head might end up on a chopping block for speaking out about it. Besides, Twilight's a talking unicorn that can do magic. For all I knew, it actually was true that they controlled the sun and moon. I didn't believe it myself, but it wasn't my place to say anything.

I mentioned the shitty categorical system to Twilight when we were finished. "Why don't you have a standard categorizing system for books?"

"We do have a system!" she said. "Every so often, I pull all the books off the shelves and put them where I think they should go. That way I'll always know where they are."

"…This is a library, you said."

"Yep! The only one in Ponyville!"

"And you're the only librarian?"

"Uh-huh. Spike helps out a bit too, of course."

"And you don't see any problem with the fact that no one else can find a book but you or Spike?"

"Why would there be a problem?"

"What if someone wanted to check out a book but couldn't find it? Or what if they knew where a book was one day and wanted to come back to get it later, but couldn't find it in the same spot and gave up?"

"Well, how do you humans organize books?"

I explained the Dewey Decimal System. About a quarter of the way into it her mouth dropped. About halfway into it she had me start over so she could take notes.

"That's genius, Navarone!" she said when I finished. "Why did we never think of that?"

I shrugged. "Took us a while, too. Probably why the heathens burned the Library of Alexandria; they couldn't find the children's section."

Her mouth dropped. "Somepony burned a library in your world?"

"Not a library, Twilight, the library. There were scrolls in that place that were thousands of years old. All of mankind's knowledge in one place, all lost when the barbarians put it to the torch. Damn shame. Now we keep just about everything on computers, though we still have libraries out and about." I could tell I piqued her interest, and hid a smile. Well, Twilight isn't suspicious of me anymore.

I'll also skip the meeting with the mayor. It was much the same as my meeting with Twilight's friends, though it did involve more promises not to hurt anyone without a very, very good reason. It was a very unpleasant conversation. I swear, these ponies thought I was the devil or something.

The rest of the day passed with little incident, though I was never really able to make good on that promise to change. I tried to be a better person, but every time I saw a chance for a good one liner, I plugged it in. If you… know what I mean. I did, at least, remove most of my sex jokes. Not like those ponies would have gotten those anyway. Or at least, I don't think they would.

The next day brought me sleeping in quite a bit less. Thankfully, the effects of sleep deprivation don't hit the young as bad as they do the old. I was mostly over it by that point, and I started noticing more and more.

The first thing I had a chance to notice when I woke up was a very large and very blue set of eyes right in my face. I won't lie, I jumped. And yelled an obscenity. Pinkie Pie's reaction was funnier, admittedly. She started hiccupping when I yelled. Have you ever seen a horse hiccup? Funniest thing I ever saw. We both started laughing.

"So, aside from being creepy, why were you staring at me while I slept?" I asked her when that little episode was over.

"Well, I was going to apologize for shocking you, but then I saw you sleeping, and then I realized that I'd never seen a human sleeping before, and I wanted to see how different it would be from a pony sleeping, so I was watching you while you slept!"

All that came out in a rather quick tirade. It was a bit disquieting. "Well, what did you discover? Am I that different from a pony?"

"Oh, yes! Your face is all squished and flat! Also, your eyes are super small, and are a very dark green instead of the bright colors most ponies have. I didn't notice that while you were sleeping, though…"

"Pinkie… you are a little random, aren't you? Also, apology accepted. Accidents happen, I suppose. Hell, I'm here because of one. So, does Twilight know you're up here? Or did you manage to sneak past her oppressive guard?"

"I would hardly consider her oppressive, but she does know I'm here."

"Not oppressive to you, maybe, but I've been cramped in this bloody library since I got here. Does she actually live here, or is she just staying here?"

As she started to answer, I noticed her tail start to spaz out. I thought it was having a seizure or something, and asked her about it.

As soon as I mentioned it, she squawked and looked around for something to duck under. Just as she jumped under a table and I took the hint and fell off the bed, the window exploded and a blue mass went crashing into the far wall.

"Jesus!" I yelled. "What the hell was that?" Seeing Rainbow Dash twitching against the wall, I rushed over to check her for injuries. Surprisingly, despite crashing through several branches, a glass window, and crashing into a wall at a speed so fast that I couldn't even register what she was, the pony was somehow completely undamaged. Not a feather out of place.

"How the hell are you not broken?" I asked her. "What you just did should have had you scratched to hell and probably smashed into the bloody wall!"

"I'm used to it," she said. "They used to call me Rainbow Crash back in school…"

Note to self: Never accept a ride from these ponies. Jesus.

Pinkie Pie was digging her way out of the wreckage around the table as Twilight started running up the stairs to see what was amiss. She just sighed when she saw her window. "Another new window… Thanks, Rainbow Dash."

"Sorry, Twilight…" she muttered. "You know how it is."

"So… is this a normal occurrence in Ponyland? I'm not certain I want to sleep in a room with a window if it is," I said. "Christ, I don't even know how she isn't a broken mess! You ponies must be more resilient than a bloody jet."

They were confused by jets. I just waved them on, telling them to forget it. No use explaining tech they still wouldn't understand.

"I don't crash that often!" protested Rainbow Dash. "Besides, I totally planned that anyway!"

"Yeah. Sure you did," I said, somewhat resigned and rubbing my temple slightly. So much for being a better person… "Sorry if I seem a bit… testy. I've been trapped inside for the past few days, completely separated from any chance of ever seeing my home again, trapped here in a world where things thought impossible are apparently commonplace, with a load of personalities that are very different from mine. It will take some… adjustment, I suppose. Though, thinking about it, you likely wouldn't know the difference from a testy me and a normal me."

"We understand, Navarone. I've been looking for a spell to send you back, but there's nothing about it in any of my books. I even asked Princess Celestia to look into it, but she has reported no luck. As far as I can tell, you're stuck here…" Twilight said.

"So, what's on today's agenda?" I sighed.

I can understand if some readers—of which there shouldn't be, unless I'm dead—might think I was taking this entire thing rather well. At the time, I still hadn't discounted the chance that it was all a dream from when I had fallen asleep. I also hadn't—and still haven't, for that matter—discounted the fact that I might possibly be insane.

Either way, sleep deprivation and probably shock were keeping me functioning. That and I've always been very passive anyway. Things happen. You can't undo them. Just learn to go with the flow. Sometimes it's hard to think that, though. But this… Who knows?

Anyway, the clothes were done. And apparently, Rarity has a bloody hard time taking instructions.

"Rarity, you seem too smart to be unable to take simple instructions. Why, I wonder, did you make me clothes that go completely against what I asked you to make? I understand we didn't quite get off the most… understandable… start, but that's no reason to torture me with your vibrant messes," I told her.

She was not at all pleased with my choice of words, but took great pains to hide her anger. "Because fashion cannot be dictated by one pony… or human, I suppose. I simply couldn't let you go on to wear more of what you are now! It would be a disgrace to my profession!"

"You are a very dramatic pony. I suppose you never thought that perhaps I wanted to go against your pony fashions? That perhaps, in doing so, I would create a counter fashion that all the ponies in the know would rush to copy? In my world, if a guest from another world came by, the bloody cattle in charge of fashion would rush to copy his every stitch. I figured your fashion industry is run the same way. What better chance would I have to be accepted here if I—seemingly accidentally—started an entire fashion trend based off human designs?" I didn't exactly feel right lying, but I was starting to just not care at all. Again.

"Your fashion industry is run by cows? I thought only humans could talk in your world!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I jumped when she spoke up; honestly, I thought she had left. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, looking over the books on the shelves.

"Figure of speech, lass. Figure of speech…" I said. God, these ponies are going to drive me to bloody drink. Doubt they even have booze here…

During that small exchange, Rarity was mulling over what I said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, quite like a fish. It was… satisfying.

Finally, she said, "I think I see your point, actually. Surprisingly… I don't know why I didn't think of it! If you had just told me why you wanted me to create such hideous things, I would have done so with a clear conscience."

"Not that I really mind pony fashion, now that I see some of what you've made. Still, I would rather flee back to the familiar than fly to the clutches of the new. No reason to waste the cloth, if you can't reuse it. If it can't be recycled, I'll at least hold on to these and wear them on special occasions, or something," I told her. The beaming smile I got back almost made me regret lying earlier.

I stopped almost regretting in with what came next, of course. "You simply must try them all on!" she exhorted. Give a mouse a cookie.

"Nay, lass. I'm sure Twilight has something else planned for me this day. Something long and dreadful that you wouldn't want to be around for."

"Welllll," Twilight started. I flashed her a look and she took the hint. "Yes, actually. Run along, Rarity. I'm sure your work will fit him just fine."

"But Twilight!" Rarity started, before being unceremoniously bundled out the door.

I sighed in relief, but jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke up again. "Now we can talk about your Welcome to Ponyville Party!"

What. I gave Twilight a look. She answered me with a shake of her head. I turned to Pinkie. "I'm allergic to parties."

Every bone in her body jerked as she shot her entire body toward me. Her eyes went so wide that by all rights they should have popped out. It scared the shit out of me. "What. Did. You. Say," she uttered in a voice that should have had me quivering in fear.

"Parties. I'm allergic to them. Deathly so, I'm afraid." That was a lie, by the way. I don't think that's possible. "I'm afraid having a party for me would be simply impossible."

She seemed to withdraw in on herself. She was muttering something, looking deep in thought. Twilight was giving me an intrigued look. "Humans can be allergic to parties?" she asked. "What else can you be allergic to?"

"We can talk about it later, Twilight. I think Pinkie has something else she needs to say."

She did, apparently. "I know I can't throw you a party… but would cupcakes make up for it?"

"How about muffins instead? I prefer them and I don't really like icing."

Her mouth dropped. I thought for a second that I broke her. Her eyes seemed to glaze over. Twilight was looking at me with fear in her eyes. I was about to say something when Pinkie jerked again. "We'll see about that," she finally said. I had a feeling that I had made a very big mistake. She pulled something from somewhere—I don't know where, I guess her poofy hair—and threw it on the ground, making a cloud of pink smoke. When it dissipated, she was gone.

I seem to be getting a lot of practice with long-suffering sighs, lately. Something told me that this was only the beginning.

"You're sure this is a good idea? It's not too late to just kill me and sweep my corpse under the rug, you know," I whispered.

"Killing you would make too much of a mess, and would ruin all the effort you put into cleaning this place," Twilight whispered back. She was getting used to my kind of humor. I didn't know if that was good or bad. "Besides, it's not like we're going to be giving you a grand entrance. You're just going outside, and anypony that wants to ask, will. Then I'll have to explain that you're an interdimensional being that I accidentally summoned and that you are part of the most dangerous species anywhere."

"Gee, when you put it that way, I'm sure everything will go just fine. Tell me again about what happened with that zebra, and how well the town took it. At least a zebra is pony shaped!" I said.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you were nervous. I was thinking you were too calm and collected for that!"

"Imagine it from my point of view: You're a one of a kind species on a world where you are not supposed to exist. You are about to be introduced to a group of people that have never seen anything like you before, and know nothing about you other than that you look different and are probably a predator. These people are herbivores. Your life expectancy depends on how this first contact will go. And the one person you think you can trust is thinking about telling the people you're about to meet that you are probably among the most dangerous beings ever. Even if you are incredibly dangerous, that has a nerve-wracking quality to it. Especially if you're extremely dangerous, but have access to almost none of the tools that make you that way."

She had nothing to say to that. "Just remember the plan," she said. "Now, are you ready?"

"No," I replied, and pushed the door open to the bright world beyond.

"It is my opinion as the ambassador to the human race," Twilight began a few hours later, "that it could have been worse."

"You need to learn to lie better. We'll have to work on that," I told her. Admittedly, she wasn't wrong. I could be dead right now, or completely ostracized. I can't really say it was that bad, really. Some people—people, ponies, whatever—just don't know how to stick to a bloody plan.

The plan was simple. Twilight and I decided that it would be best if the residents of Ponyville saw me together with respected ponies, talking and laughing and whatnot. We were going to make a circuit of the town, meeting with each of Twilight's friends and moving on after a short while, answering questions as they were asked. Simple enough, right?

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, I've always heard. I was hoping to be an exception. That's what I get for hoping.

It started innocently enough. I was kind enough to give Rainbow Dash a lesson in thermodynamics and forces that confused everyone within earshot, but sounded friendly and amiable enough. She even managed to use some of my suggestions to speed herself up, though it looked bad for me when she ended up going too fast and lost control. I had to explain to the shocked onlookers more physics than most college students are trained in. Twilight rushed me off before I was able to finish.

Our next stop was Rarity's villa. On the way there I tried to explain to Twilight some of the heftier things I was telling the crowd. I was honestly quite surprised at her grasp of it. I know she's smart and all, but understanding physics without seeing it worked out is something else. But I digress: Rarity's villa. I'll admit, I grimaced when I saw it. The place was so… garish. Some of the witnesses saw my expression and visibly shuddered.

This stop went a little better. Rarity was told to keep business low that day, to facilitate the meeting. I'm not a fan of tea parties, but at least I managed not to screw it up. It was going good, until a freak show walked through the front door, throwing drama left and right. I heard something about the fashion industry before Twilight and I were thrown out the back door. That looked somewhat suspicious, and we got a few odd stares.

Pinkie Pie was next.

Pinkie Pie… I didn't much care for her at the time. Sure, she was incredibly nice and kind and all that fun stuff, but she was just too… too much. Too chipper. Too happy. Too much in love with icing.

When Twilight and I got to the bakery she works at, the lights immediately shut off. A single spotlight showed us a table with three chairs. If it had been night, I would have called this creepy. But since this was day and the windows were open, the lights being off did nothing. We were able to perfectly see Pinkie standing next to the light switches, watching us with a disturbing smile.

Twilight face-hoofed. "Pinkie, what are you doing?"

Pinkie's eyes darted left and right. When she saw us still looking at her, she covered her eyes with a hoof. A moment later she peeked out to see us still staring. I crossed my arms. "Ugh, just sit down!" Twilight and I did as she said, sitting at the table indicated.

When we looked back over to Pinkie's spot, she had disappeared. "So what's this all about?" I asked.

"I have no idea. You were supposed to show her how to bake something from your world. I guess… I guess she had something else in mind?"

I felt something tighten around my eyes and I went blind. I immediately shot a hand to the blindfold and pulled it off. Another one replaced it. I took it off. Another went up. I stood up and removed it, glaring behind me. I saw Pinkie next to a large stack of fabric that wasn't there when I sat down. "Can I help you?" I asked in a harsh voice.

"Yes! Sit down and let me blindfold you."

"That doesn't sound very enjoyable. How about we not do that?"

"Psh. Silly, that's not how it works!"

"Twilight?"

"Pinkie, what are you doing? I'm sure if you explain it, Navarone will be more willing to cooperate."

"Well, I remember him saying that he didn't like icing or cupcakes as much as muffins, so I'm planning on proving him wrong! I'm going to blindfold him and force-feed him muffins and cupcakes until he agrees that my cupcakes are better than Derpy's muffins!"

"I don't know who Derpy is, but I really don't like icing. I don't mind the actual cupcakes, as long as they don't have icing on them." I shrugged. "Too sugary for me."

Pinkie jerked back and muttered something that I swear sounded like "Blasphemy." I didn't really care, though

"So… why don't we just go with the original plan?" Twilight asked. "Navarone doesn't seem to like icing, and if he says it's too sugary, it's too sugary. We don't know what his human body and taste buds are like, Pinkie."

"Then let's test them! Now if you would just sit down and let me blindfold you, we can begin."

"I'm willing to do half of those, and that's the half that doesn't involve blinding me. You're really making this overly difficult."

"Me? I'm not the one that's making this difficult. You're the one that's refusing to let me blindfold you!"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie, don't blindfold Nav. Nav, sit down. We have a schedule to follow and if we don't follow it we'll be late. If we're late, Nav won't be able to get everywhere and if he can't get everywhere he won't be accepted!"

We both looked at her oddly. "I don't think that's how it works," Pinkie said. "If he'd just let me throw him a party all of Ponyville would meet him!"

"I'm allergic to parties, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure we could find some lotion or something!"

"Deathly allergic," I said. "As in, I would die."

"At least you would die smiling!"

"There are other ways I'd rather die, thank you."

Twilight looked a bit intrigued at that. "What does your culture have to say about death?" she asked.

"I think we can talk about that later. I'm pretty sure we still have to deal with Pinkie. So, are you going to not blindfold me?"

Pinkie looked at the piece of cloth she had in her hooves. With a sigh she let it fall. "Fine. But you're still going to try my cupcakes!"

Dammit. "Fine. I'll try a maximum of three."

She rocketed off to the kitchen as I joined Twilight at the table again. "So…" she said.

"If I end up living here, am I going to have to put up with that often?"

She sighed. "Pinkie's gonna Pinkie." I blinked. That wasn't something I expected Twilight to say.

I didn't have time to answer. Pinkie came bustling out of the kitchen, pulling a cart lined with at least fifty cupcakes.

"Okay, that would literally make me sick to eat," I said. "It's a good thing you two are sharing."

Pinkie stopped the cart at our table at set out several trays of cupcakes. Each one was unique. "Good lord. I thought we were going to be eating cupcakes, not art," I said, looking at them.

"Silly, cupcakes are art! All the more reason to like them!" She grabbed one and shoved it into her mouth.

"That was kind of horrifying," I commented. "How about you not do that again?"

"How else am I supposed to eat them?" she asked after swallowing it whole.

"Take decent sized bites? Or at the very least chew before you swallow? Or," I asked, turning to Twilight, "do ponies not need to chew?"

"Most of us do," she said. "Pinkie's just… special."

"Now when you say special—"

"Dig in, Navi!" Pinkie yelled, shoving a cupcake across the table at me.

"Hey listen, please don't call me that." I picked the cupcake up and looked it over. The top was saturated in pink icing. The rest of it looked normal. I sighed and took a bite. I almost gagged on the sugar, just barely managing to force it down. I finished this one off and swallowed with what felt like a grim finality. Pinkie was looking at me with such a hopeful expression. "No."

She blinked. "No?"

"No," I confirmed.

Her ears fell. "No…" She grabbed another cupcake and pushed it forward, her ears raising a bit.

"No. That almost made me throw up from how much sugar it had in it. I don't know how you can stand it."

"But… but…" She pulled that one back and pushed one with a tiny bit less icing forward.

"No." That process continued for a minute. I rejected six more.

"Perhaps I can help," Twilight said. She used her magic to pull a cupcake with almost no icing out and removed all of it. She passed the glob to Pinkie, who devoured it. She passed the cupcake to me.

I sighed and took it. I took a hesitant bite. "Edible, but only just. Even this has a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. Human bodies aren't meant to take too much sugar. We can easily get sick and even die from too much. I have no idea what the limit is, but I imagine eating a few more of these would put me there until my body started breaking the sugar down."

Pinkie looked depressed, now. "How can you live without being able to eat such tasty treats?"

"We get by on other things. I don't much care for sweets all that much anyway. My diet is already going to take a kick while I'm here, I shouldn't interrupt it any more than necessary."

"Well, what kinds of food did you used to eat back home?" Pinkie asked.

Now there's a conversation I can get into. I told her all about some of the better vegetarian dishes. Salsa, nachos, pizza, mushrooms, sautéed vegetables, all that good stuff. At the end of the conversation, we made nachos from stuff that was just lying around the bakery. It was pretty fucking awesome. By the time we left, I no longer considered Pinkie as annoying. In fact, that was pretty much the best showing all day. We departed on amiable terms, with her promising to look into the other things I mentioned.

The plan dictated that we visit Fluttershy next. This was the worst turn of the day: Fluttershy wasn't there. And while we knocked and knocked and waited and waited, the muttering in the small crowd of onlookers grew louder.

"The poor pony is so scared she won't even open the door!"

"Why won't they leave her alone? It's obvious she won't open that door."

And so on. It was… bad. I quietly suggested to Twilight that we move on. She hastily agreed. We later found out why Fluttershy wasn't there: an animal emergency came up and she was called away to deal with it. A justifiable excuse, but the rep I lost with the crowd made me wish the bloody animal she was called to deal with had just died.

Our last stop was Applejack, of course. The plan was for us to go to the farm, stay for a short time so I could help out or something, and then have her follow us back into town. We went to the farm. We stayed for a while, and that's where the problem was: I don't know shit about farming or harvesting plants. I've been on and helped with animal farms in the past. I've stolen eggs, shot snakes and raccoons, fed all kinds of animals. But I have never harvested any kind of plant. I pointed this flaw out to Twilight, and she just glossed over it. I told her I could help rebuild something there, or dig a well, or improve the roof, or anything like that. She mentioned the lack of tools, and I had to concede the point.

I will skip over the difficulties I had and just say that it was bad. Not as bad as the Fluttershy fiasco, but it was bad. I did get to help Rainbow Dash tear down the barn, which was fun, but without a sledgehammer my part in it was basically just telling her about structural weaknesses.

The rest of the plan went off without a hitch. The problem is, the rest of the plan was walking back.

"Light, but I could use a drink…" I muttered. It was a few days after my first excursion, and the populace was still getting used to me. It was slow going, though being seen outside and alone with Fluttershy helped tremendously. She wasn't well-known as a pony, but she was well respected as a friend of Twilight and for being the best at her job. Besides, if someone that seems so shy, reserved, and graceful could get along with something like me, obviously anyone else could as well.

"We're close to a river, if you want to stop and get something to drink," Fluttershy said softly. This pony is way too nice for her own good, I thought.

"Not what I meant. Let's just get to the objective and call it a day."

"Oh… Okay."

We walked in silence for a few moments. In the time I had been able to go outside, I had made a few observations about the environment. The first thing I noticed was how truly beautiful the entire place was. Everything was alive and vibrant. There was no smog or pollution in the air. The sun was shining, but it wasn't hot. I later learned that it was fall here at the moment.

The second thing I noticed was how all the animals seemed to get along, at least from what I was able to tell. I even saw bunnies mixing with ferrets, though I thought I sensed something underhanded going down between them. I couldn't say what, and I didn't feel like dwelling on it.

The third thing I noticed was also the most shocking and surprising: The pegasi controlled the weather. I have no idea how to explain it, but they can all move clouds and make them rain. I learned that most pegasi actually live in the clouds, as they are able to stand on clouds. When I asked Twilight about it, she seemed just as shocked to learn of conditions on Earth as I was about conditions here. She mentioned something about an everfree forest, and got an odd look on her face.

That's where we are now, by the way. Fluttershy and I were on the way to meet someone named Zecora, the zebra I mentioned before. Twilight wanted to know if Zecora had seen anything like me before, and figured it was best to let the ponies see me with Fluttershy, alone, to prove I'm harmless.

Something disturbed my reverie. I shook myself out of it and looked around. I saw that Fluttershy had stopped, and was for some reason cowering and whimpering on the ground. I had no idea why, until I turned around and saw a chicken approaching us. Then I saw its body, and froze. What the hell?

"C-c-c-cockatrice!" Fluttershy moaned.

"Cockatrice? Isn't that one of them critters that turns you to stone?" At her barely perceptible nod, I raised an eyebrow. "Want me to kill it? Doesn't seem that hard, as long as I don't look it in the eye."

She gave me the dirtiest look I could imagine coming from something as shy as she is.

"Hey, I'm just asking. You're the one cowering before it. We could easily just sort of, I don't know, close our eyes and skirt around it. Or you could use your animal taming powers and turn it into a friend."

"The last time I encountered a cockatrice, I was only able to beat it because it was threatening my friends!" Well geez, that shows what you think of me…

"Fine, we can turn back if you want. You can explain to Twilight why, though. Still say you should just let me stab it…"

One night, after another attempt to get the ponies acclimatized to me, Twilight started asking questions about Earth.

"What kind of place is your world?" was the first thing she asked.

I sighed and thought of an answer that wouldn't offend her delicate pony sensibilities. "That is a hard question to answer. I will tell you what I have told you before, as a bit of a disclaimer: I am not a normal human, in many ways. Earth… it's full of stupid people. Individually, humans are mostly decent beings, and can think well. Put them in a group and they lose both decency and the ability to think. Sadly, the world I left was designed by groups, for groups. There are decent people and there are bad people. Personally, I've always been of the opinion that the good and evil are balanced, in a way. And it can be seen in many ways. For example, I am a moral relativist. I believe that there is no definite right or wrong, and that the concepts only exist as they are viewed by individuals. One person may find stealing morally wrong, while another may find it justified, since they were able to take something another person was unable to protect. Who am I, after all, to declare one approach unilaterally wrong? I may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. Of course, the world is filled with people that don't agree with that idea, and as such groups form around those that think alike and they often persecute those that think differently. Countries are formed, borders are drawn, and people do their best to stick together with those that agree with them. It usually works fine. Sometimes it doesn't, and then war happens…"

"Different countries? War? Your people are not united?" I could tell it was a concept she found hard to grasp.

"Not even close. Half the world hates the other half, and no one trusts each other. There's a reason I don't hate you for stealing me away. We don't have your equivalent of Princess Celestia. Where I came from, we didn't even have a monarch. We elected our leaders. It's a good system, when your population is decently educated."

"What do you do for common protection, then? How do you deal with monsters?"

"We conquered nature a long time ago, lass. There are still a few events of animals attacking humans, but it's rare. We are more naturally violent that ponies are, it seems, and we defend ourselves better. What is more dangerous to us are the monsters inside of us. When we ran out of real dangers, we started inventing them. People are easily misled, and can be fooled into thinking something is a threat that really isn't. With the invention of TV, this was made super easy."

"What is TV? A mind control device?"

I smiled at that. "In a way, yes. It's a bit of technology that puts moving images on a screen, and sound comes out speakers on the side. There are several different things you can watch on it. Evil invention, though sadly necessary. People use them for information or entertainment."

"What was your place in the world?"

"I was a student, still. I was almost at the end of my education. I'm eighteen in human years. I don't know what that translates to in pony years. Basically, I was still learning."

"You seem very intelligent for somepony still learning. How can you say people are so stupid when you are still learning and yet know so much?"

"There are a lot of problems with those assertions. First, I was almost done with school. I was on the last three months of the last year of the main education system. Second, I went to a school designed to push those who are smarter than most others. We learned a hell of a lot more there than most people do. Third, I am not even close to normal, in a lot of ways. My mind works very differently than that of many people, which is probably why your summon spell stole me instead of someone else. Fourth, I only seem intelligent because you likely have no idea what half of what I say is about. I am merely a layman in most subjects, with very little real training. Basically, what I know only scratches the surface of what there is to know."

"Sometimes you seem almost a braggart, and sometimes you sell yourself short. I can't get a fix on you."

"What can I say? I'm the most humble man on the planet." It came out before I could think about it, but when I did I realized it was quite literally true. I sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"Humans have a pretty good life span. I'm going to be alone among ponies for a very long time. Every time I think I'm resigned to it, another thing goes off in my mind that I'll miss. No more internet, no more books, no more music, no chance of love or raising a family or finding a mate, and from the state of affairs with the other ponies, there's a good chance I'll remain forever a pariah. C'est la vie…"

I could see that she was crestfallen. I keep forgetting it was her fault that I'm here, even if I don't blame her for it. I tried to make up for what I said. "At least I ended up in a realm where most of the residents aren't trying to kill me. All the ponies I've run into have been rather kind, even if they are dismissive or fearful of me. If I had to be stranded anywhere, this is probably the best place for it. I have to admit, it will be a struggle to hide my more violent side. At least I know I have a good cause to, as I am the sole representative of my species on the planet."

The next day, I had a meeting with Applejack to discuss farming methods and uses of different crops.

"I will tell you straight up, I am not much of a farmer. Most of the work I ever did on a farm was helping to feed animals and baling hay. What little I know is learned from books or general education," I told her.

"That's okay. We're here more for show anyway. Just tell me what you can and maybe it'll be useful, maybe not."

"Okay… I don't suppose you'd need to know about pesticides. Those are poisons we use on crops to kill off any kind of pests. They're both good and bad, as they can cause a lot of harm to the environment, but they do kill most bugs. I don't suggest them, not with the system you have set up. I haven't seen your entire farm, but irrigation might be an option. It's where you dig small canals throughout your farm so getting water here and there is easier. Not a necessity, but it can be really useful on a huge farm."

"Irrigation, huh? Might have to keep that one in mind. MacIntosh has to spend whole days hauling water, sometimes."

"I'm sure you probably know just about every way to cook apples there are. Do you know about apple cider, apple brandy, or apple jack?"

"We know all about cider there is. And I know my name is Applejack, but I don't know about any products called that, though…"

"I refuse to be the one that brings alcohol to Ponyland."

"Well shoot, now you got me curious. What's alcohol?"

"A mind altering substance that can make you feel either good or bad, depending on your mood. It causes all manner of problems where I come from, so I'm not going to be introducing it here. I don't know how well ponies would take that stuff anyway. You'd probably need enough to drown a horse to get you drunk. No pun intended, of course. Though it would give me a chance to use a few jokes... So a pony walks into a bar... Eh, nah."

"Sounds like it might be okay for a few special occasions. I don't know what could be so bad about it."

"Remember, I'm talking about human use. We're unpredictable at the best of times. Imagine how we would be if you gave us something that altered us in unexpected ways. Some people are harmless drunks. Some people aren't. I'm not going to find out what it would do to ponies, unless I make it myself and give it to one of you just as a test. Thinking about it, that might be a great prank to pull on Rainbow Dash…"

"I do owe her a big one for that last doozy she gave me. If it'll help get her back, I'll get you some apples."

"This seems like a mean idea, but a fun one. I'm in, if you won't tell anyone it was me that did it. It'll take a month to brew something worth drinking, though. I suppose Twilight probably has everything else I need in her lab. What season is it?"

"It's almost fall, right now. Why? Does it cook better in a warmer season or something?"

"Colder, actually. You have to deep freeze it for a while. I might show you how to make it, if you swear you'll only do it after we test it, and then only for family celebrations. I don't want anyone to know that I let this leak, if it turns out bad."

"You have my word, of course. If it's as bad as you say, maybe we shouldn't test it at all…"

"I don't think a single test would hurt too bad, as long as we take precautions. We'll have to make sure she can't fly, and that she stays safe until it wears off. She'll probably have a blistering headache when she wakes up…"

"This is sounding better and better!"

"We'll see. It's a relatively complicated formula. I hope Twilight has everything in her lab."

We spent a few more minutes discussing boring farm crap. I was able to remember a bit more than I thought, though I honestly doubt most of it was helpful.

Later that day, I asked to check Twilight's lab.

"Why do you need to go down there?" she asked.

"Just a project I might be working on with Applejack, should you have the right supplies. An experiment of sorts, you could say," I told her. I figured if the word experiment didn't get her, nothing would.

"If you're planning it with Applejack, where is she?"

"Getting some other supplies, of course. I didn't figure you'd keep a load of apples down there."

"Well, okay. I don't see what harm you could possibly do with an experiment about apples…" With that, she led me down to the lab and helped me look for what I needed.

When she heard my list, she looked at me incredulously. "What kind of experiment did you say this was, again?"

"A surprise experiment. You have Applejack's word that it won't come to much or any harm." She shook her head, but said nothing.

The day after, Applejack showed up with the apples. We started the brew, after my counseling that I had never actually done this before, only read about it. I told her what would happen, and how it should go. It took a while to get it set up, and when we finally got it she went on her way with a smug little smile. I knew better than to ask.

Another talk I had with Twilight was about the economy of Equestria. I had noticed that occasionally ponies used coins, while occasionally everything they got was free.

"Well, all ponies have a special talent of some sort, and they all have a place in the world. All pegasi can manipulate weather, for example. Since they are so often called upon to fix the weather in some way or another, they get most of their services about town for free. As long as no pony abuses the system, it works well enough. The pegasi are paid for their weather services by getting mostly free services. Other ponies that have less applicable skills either pay with services directly, in the form of a service for a service, or trade produced goods for something. If they can't do that, they pay in bits. This works in most small towns, but in a bigger city like Canterlot, goods are usually paid for in bits anyway."

"So you have a barter system with vestiges of capitalism. It says a lot about your species that this works. It was used for a while where I came from, but eventually raw capitalism took over, and everything was paid for in our version of bits."

"Your version of bits? What did you use instead?"

"This is going to sound odd, so let me explain before you laugh. We used paper. I know, I know, it's an odd concept. The idea behind it is ingenious, though. The paper was specially printed by the government as a promise that it is worth its weight in gold. I can't imagine a concept like that working in a world like this one, but where I came from, the entire economy was market based, and entire careers were built off nothing but the manipulation of money from one area to another. That would be impossible using gold or goods. Something else was needed, and so paper money was printed as a promise. In later years, most of the flow of money was completely digital, or controlled by computers. It was, in effect, completely imaginary. In practice, though, lives were broken and created through sheer movement of numbers from one screen to another."

"Your species is insane."

"It works if your population is large enough and advanced enough technologically. But yeah, I can see how you can think that. I never much understood it myself…"