Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: hygiene

"Step 1: You check an e-mail down. Step 2: You tell some foal he's a dork." Rainbow raps as she begins starting her e-mail for her show.

Is there a Tiger tank that can destroy a town?

Private J. Heli

"No there isn't...but if there is one, that would be so awesome!" Rainbow remarks as she types in her answer. "Imagine all the cool things I can do to those griffins; Next e-mail!"

Subject: hygiene movie
Dear Rainbowdash,
In 5th grade I have to watch a very uncool lame hygiene movie. I figure that you could make a better one about hygiene than the lame school version.
Your friend,
Susan Duckula

Rainbow pronounces 'Duckula' as 'Duckulalalalalala'. The mare frowns as she types in, "Wait, fifth grade fillies?! Ugh, what happened to the hot college stallions that can e-mail me? Hey guys! Stop your crazy hot rodding and drop me a line!"

Rainbow clears the screen as she continues, "Yeah, I suppose I could make one cruddy hygiene movie for ya, Susan. But...maybe it would be most satisfying to make one...about you; Heh heh heh."

---

After some static, we see a blue background as disco music plays. Some words flew into view leaving a rainbow after images after them. They are 'Equestrian Embarrassing Educational Films', with the 'EEEF' letters lighting up. The word 'Presents' appears below the four words.

Now we see another background with the yellow test 'LESSON 1: SAY 'HI' TO HYGIENE'. As a yellow background appears, Rainbow is heard saying, "Meet Susan." The text 'susan' shows up as we see Derpy, in the role of Susan, appearing all dirty and unkempt. "Susan is one cruddy 5th grader; Hi, Susan!"

The text 'hi' appears over the text 'john' as Susan, voice breaking, say, "Hey, I'm one latchkey champion!"

"Now meet Jean!" Rainbow's voice as the text 'jean' appears. Rainbow now flies in in the role of Jean wearing awesome blond hair and a pink shirt "Jean here is a beacon of light..." We see the mare in a lighthouse that is shining and grow smaller, appearing in a stink cloud made by Susan, "…shining right that stink cloud of disaster that is made by Susan. Hey Jean!"

The text 'hi' appears over the text 'jean' as the mare said, "TCIJ, yo! In other words 'Thank Celestia I'm Jean'! Yeah," We see her standing near Applejack, Twilight, Rarity and Pinkie, who appears to have the same haircut as she is.

"Now Jean here is popular and doesn't have any good grades." Rainbow's voice explains as we see a huge fridge that has a piece of paper that has the words 'G-, but is sooooo cool'. Going back to Susan, the mare continues, "Susan on the other hoof doesn't have any friends..." We see the goofy mare in a desk surrounded by two empty desks. "…and always sit in the front row."

Susan and Jean sat on the other sides of the screen; the side that the former is on is light brown while the other is blue box. Rainbow's voice continues then, "Now then, what is Susan missing that Jean has gotten? Besides cool rich parents," Three bags of huge bits dropped in front of word. "You got it; Hygiene!"

The word 'HYGIENE' appears as Jean smiles, saying, "Hi stallions!"

"Hygiene..." Rainbow's voice said as a dictionary appears. A note is taped over the definition of hygiene while the following is read. "...is described as 'how close ponies would want to stand next to you'."

We see a close up of Susan's chest which has a weird shirt. Rainbow's voice continues, "Susan here wears shabby clothes that smells like chocolate milk and not the kind made by the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony Discord..." We see a chocolate milk carton with a thermometer in its mouth and squinted eyes fading in. "...with one bad stomach virus to boot." Susan blows her nose onto her shirt before putting it back on, showing mucus on it while moving around.

Now we see Jean in front of the mall with two bags falling in front of him that reads 'styles upon styles'. Rainbow's voice continues, "Jean's mom buys her clothes...but she is too young and hot enough for that to be okay."

An exaggerate mare hoof with a hoof came from the left, holding a pair of keys. We hear Jean's mom saying, "Hey, mommy got one huge headache, Jeannie. How about taking the boat out for a while?" The mare in question eagerly takes the keys. Awesomeness!

In a bathroom, Susan walks up, holding up a washcloth and a bar of soap before dropping them uselessly. Rainbow's voice remarks, "Now every morning, Susan wakes up and forget to wash her stupid..." We zoom in on the mare's face with each word. "...lame, stinking, FAT, SMELLY..." The goofy Pegasus pony looks surprised now. "...EVEN MORE STUPID, DU..."

We of course see static before Rainbow continues. Now we go back to Jean's face that radiates energy. The narrator continues, "Now every morning, the radiant energy from Jean's face..." We notice her face being attached to two electric cables, connecting them to a red light bulb on a pad. "...can power a small light bulb..." We see the bulb in question making a buzzer noise before lighting up.

Back to Susan, Rainbow said, "Susan's face is one huge ecological train wreck..." The said mare's mouth opens up, revealing a spider web in it. A green nasty cloud came out of it along with black liquid that drips out badly. "...and has a nest of Parasprites living inside it."

Susan burps causing a Parasprite to fly out. Undaunted, the mare said happily, "Make sure you come back before dinner, Charlie!"

Now then, on Jean's face, the proud mare's face is shining. Rainbow's voice continues, "Jean's mouth is an incredible national park..." A sign appears, showing a smile, two trees, two mountains along with the words 'Jean's Clean Mouth National Park' that also has her hair on top. "...with her saliva sold..." Jean spits out, showing an outline of a continent, her saliva turns into a bottle that said 'El Gene's Spit'. "...in South Equestria as one amazing wonder drug."

In Susan's room, the mare is on her bed where there are milkshakes, fries and a bowls of cereal almost all over. Rainbow's voice adds, "Susan leaves food all over her room with a family of squatters taken up residence in a laundry cave in there." Sure enough, we see some orphan foals in front of a pile of laundry that looks like a cave.

Jean's room on the other hand is different. There's a pennant that reads 'Wonderbolts' and a wardrobe nearby. Rainbow's voice said, "Jean's room has a cool 16 car pile of up racecar beds..." We see 16 racecar beds on top of another one. 5 special effects arts with 'EQUESTRIA on their chests, 5 maids appear above the pile over the next line. "...as well as a family of 10 maids and special affect arts to keep it so realistically smoldering and burning."

The pile of race car beds are now set on fire as Rainbow's voice adds, "And yeah, they also lives in a nearby cave." We see a cave that the mentioned servants are standing in front of.

We now see a tube and a bunch of jars of cream, powder and the whatnot. Rainbow's voice continues, "Okay, what can Susan do to change her hygiene to win approval?" Susan is seen holding the tube and two jars before dropping them, "Unfortunately for her, nothing at this point." The goofy mare looks shocked and sad. She can't do a thing? "By 5th grade, the damage is soooo already done..." We now see a pie chart that has this heading 'What 5th Graders Will Remember You for Forever'. 'Your Stink' has the biggest section, 'Your Stonk' being the second biggest and 'Hot Mare', 'Video Games' and 'Cool Headband' following. "...and ponies will always remember her as one smelly loser no matter what happens."

As we return to Susan, two pennants shows out that said 'Out-of-Equestria U!' and 'Go Non-Residents!'. Rainbow's voice adds, "This mare will have no choice but to wait and go to a college outside of Equestria. That way, she can reinvent herself."

Sure enough, Susan herself fades into a more typical looking Derpy, better eyes and a college shirt that said 'OoEU Non-Residents'. The mare smiles while saying, "Hey!"

"Jean on the other hoof got to keep up the status quo at all times." Rainbow's voice said sternly as we return to Jean, a giant hoof appears and poking the mare, much to her concern. "Why, if she mess up one bit and get lice..." We see the mare's mane with lice jumping up and down on it. "...or even get an accident at school..."

Jean looks horrified as she has to cover herself due to an accident. And as if that isn't enough, her formers glare at her angrily as if no longer seeing her as cool or a friend. The background turns red with the music becoming menacing as Rainbow's voice add, "...those fifth grader pals of her will descend on her like a ravenous..." We now see Jean looking nervous. "...pack of hygiene Timberwolves and rip her to pieces..."

"Hooray..." Jean said with a gulp as we see her next to the words 'bye jean'.

"Bye, Jean!"

We return to the blue background as disco music plays once more; The familiar yellow letters saying ''Equestrian Embarrassing Educational Films' appearing, leaving the familiar after-images with 'EEEF' lighting up and the word 'Presents' appearing. Now we see another blue background that has this yellow test 'LESSON 2: WING PROBLEMS'. Of course, we see static, cutting this short.

---

Back on her computer, Rainbow types in, "Right, Susan, all done. Hopefully your classmates will like my video. And not to worry, who knows? in 8 or 9 years, you can hide behind your net identify as a raver, a greaser or whatever you Equestrian teenagers like to call yourselves. Now scram! Those college hotties can't show up you're around, Mothmouth."

The new paper comes down, showing alternating colors below the words 'Calibration', the e-mail part isn't seen. Rainbow roll her eyes while saying, "New paper, the way you keep stinking just stay interesting."

We see a tribute to someone's dead cat along with a Mare Do Well comic cover about Moth Mouth.

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In a classroom, Rainbow stood next to a TV stand that shows the mentioned educational film that played. Pinkie is in a chair in front of the TV, smiling while exclaiming, "That is awesome, Dashie, I love it; any chance that I can get some of this 'hygiene' thing?"

"Pinkie Pie, for someone so random, you should at least be more familiar with a home with a shower." Rainbow remarks to Pinkie dryly.

"Shower?"

"You know, that big titled room that has a shower head coming out of the wall."

"Really; I thought those were drippy broken speakers! I got mad four-inch tweeters!" Pinkie comments as Rainbow roll her eyes. Her friend is sooooo random.

The End

Author's note
Well, folks, hope you know the lesson in 'hi jean'. In the next chapter/e-mail, Rainbow discusses what happens to the original Applejack and how she was replaced by the one mare we all know and love. Read, review and suggest.