Chapter 8- Writers are Bastards

While that whole fiasco was going on down on Earth, already several light years away, the damaged Massive was undergoing repairs after crashing into Zim's base.

The Massive's hull was greatly damaged in the food court, something the Almighty Tallest had learned the hard way when several Irken soldiers were flung into space with their precious snacks when they had made the jump to hyperspace. Of course, they didn't care much about the soldiers, everyone was dispensable.

"Am I the only one who thought that was funny?" said Purple as a repair droid welded a new Industrian Iron hull over the Massive's food court area.

"I think I chuckled a bit, but other than that I didn't think it was funny," said Red. "Probably seen that happen before. By the way, have you seen my iPod?"

"I think it stopped existing," said Purple.

"Phooey. Ah well, I can buy a thousand more, probably made out of Meekrob Energy Crystals, 'cause I'm so fucking RICH!" Red laughed. "Who would've thought that a bunch of defective SIR units could actually take down the entire Meekrob government?"

"You remember that?" Purple said, trying not to laugh as well. "I didn't even know who to give the medal to!"

"And the funniest thing was that Tenn didn't even do anything! She spent the rest of the planetary takeover dead!" Red laughed again.

Purple chuckled, "Yeah…"

The main screen of the Massive, unlike the hull, was still working, and a green character of the Irken alphabet flashed on the screen.

"Oh look, it's Zim," Purple said.

Red pushed a button on the panel next to him. "Yeah, Zim, what is it?"

Zim appeared on-screen, in his ludicrously fluorescently lit laboratory. "Good afternoon, my Tallest, invader Zim reporting, didja miss me?"

"No, Zim, no we did not," said Red.

"Ah well, I missed you, anyway, I just wanted to catch up, see how things were, ask how to destroy a giant robot-"

"Huh?" Purple asked.

"Nothing, nothing, I would also like to tell you of an interesting find."

"What? Another rock?" said Red. "We have enough of those, Zim, tell you what, can you send us something from the moon?"

"No, not a rock… well, yes, sort of a rock, but it's a crystal, a very specific kind of rock," said Zim.

"Zim, we told you, Earth diamonds are worth half a monie, they are dirt, Zim, D-I-R-T dirt," Red replied.

"No, no, no, it's not the value that makes it interesting, it's what it does," Zim said.

"Hmm… a new power source?" said Purple.

"It couldn't possibly be a better power source than dubstep," said Red.

"Not a power source, but an energy source," said Zim.

"Is there a difference?" Red replied.

"I'll slap the diagnostic up on the screen," Zim said, he pushed a few keys on the keyboard and said diagnostic appeared on the screen, replacing Zim's face.

The two Tallest skimmed the diagnostic, their eyes growing wider as they read.

"It appears that this crystal can access universes beyond our own," said Zim. "There being so many universes that the describing number ending in the –illion suffix would have to use a four-digit number for its prefix just to count a ninth of the entire Multiverse!"

Red snapped out of his stupor. "So, Zim, you're saying that if we capture this universe, we still wouldn't be the most powerful beings in existence?"

"Aaaaaabsolutely," Zim said cheerily. "But that isn't what's important; we are the first beings in this universe to discover that the Multiverse is, in fact, real!"

"If only knowledge actually was power," Red muttered. "Zim, do you still have the crystal?"

"But of course!" Zim said giddily.

"Could you send us a sample when you have the time?" Red asked.

"Absolutely, my Tallest," Zim said, he saluted. "Invader ZIM, signing off!"

The screen went blank.

Red sighed. "Well, I guess we're gonna have to tell everyone to drop everything and return to base."

"Drop?" Purple chuckled. "My friend, just because we aren't in control of the largest area in existence doesn't mean we have to abandon the operation."

"Well, we're going to need the invaders back here to invade other universes, aren't we?"

"Yes, good Red, but, since we're going after something of such high value, how about a few… fireworks… to celebrate this discovery?" Purple said menacingly.

Gradually, Red's green face split into a demonic grin, he took a communication device out of his PAK.

"Well, it's a good thing that this giant robot has an emergency entrance underneath its left foot," said Twilight as she trotted through the- for lack of better word- halls of the decaduomegadoomer with her companions, all of which having scorch marks on their bodies.

"I've stopped feeling!" Rainbow Dash said in a voice of mock happiness as she walked along with GIR on her back, her limbs making cracking noises as she walked.

"It's also a good thing that my left eye has wall hack, otherwise we would have known the foot led to an incinerator room a second too late and all have died in a horrific flaming inferno!" Lee said happily.

The halls of the decaduomegadoomer were fairly narrow, but that was understandable, because they weren't halls, they were just tunnels spanning across the control panels that power the monstrous device. They didn't do a good job of it, either. The halls were actually conveniently located in the arms of the cybernetic abomination. Of course, nobody/pony would have guessed that, because the entrance was hidden by a massive sign that read "ENTRANCE".

Eventually, this group came to a grate, which is perfectly normal to lead from a control room.

Completely ignoring the fact that this was scientifically unnecessary, Lee ripped the grate off of the wall with his tentacles and hopped in, followed by GIR, followed by Rainbow Dash, followed by Hector, followed by Twilight, who had been deep in thought at the time.

About twelve feet into the grate, Lee and his three-hundred-and-twelve pound self-regenerating robot scaffolding fell through the grate, landing in the robot's food court and crushing half of the snow cone maker, along with that half of its table.

"Funny how so many alien vehicles have food courts," said Hector as he lowered his density and hopped out of the grate.

"No, actually, it isn't," said Lee, brushing the snow and machinery off of him, his chest and stomach area now fully replaced with robotic parts. "Strangely, humans have the lowest metabolism in the universe."

"Enlightening," said Hector, he found a part of the snow cone maker that hadn't been destroyed, put a cup under the nozzle, and pushed the button above said nozzle. Several crude chunks of snow popped out of the nozzle, along with a drizzle of red juice. Hector took a sip, and immediately spat the fluid onto the floor.

"Hector, are you alright?" said Twilight, also altering her density to get out of the grate faster.

"No!" Hector shouted, and he stared madly at Twilight. "I thought it was cherry, but it was strawberry! STRAWBERRY!"

"Aw, man, all that's left are the crappy flavors!" said Rainbow Dash, looking at the intact half of the snow cone maker; she tossed the now useless machine at the floor, causing it to explode, because everything explodes if you throw it at the ground hard enough. Of course, if you threw it at the ground and missed, that object would obviously be airborne, in which case you should probably contact your local exorcist.

Another bit of information, Rainbow Dash was from a universe in which the only things that exploded if you threw them at the ground were pressure-activated explosives and Molotov cocktails, so she jumped about twelve or fifteen feet in the air with assistance from her wings when she saw that the non-electric snow cone machine had blown up.

To this reaction, GIR stated, "I always wanted to explode."

"This place is weird, man," Rainbow Dash replied.

Hector and Lee burst into laughter.

"Yes… yes it is," Hector said while chuckling.

"Ah, there's the speed alteration device, no wonder this piece of garbage is moving so slowly," said Lard Nar in his control room, he reached for a knob on the dashboard.

"ALERT, CRITICAL DAMAGE TO SNO-CONE MAKER- SECTOR NINE," the intercom screamed.

Lard Nar's hand recoiled so he could cover both his ears. "AGH, what's wrong in sector nine?"

"See for yourself, lazy bones," the computer muttered.

Lard Nar scoffed and hopped out of his chair, and then he walked into the elevator, which was a luxury of using the mech's official hallways, and pressed a button with the number "9" on the wall panel. Note that the elevators are entirely pneumatic, and don't move the pads at all. Only one person is allowed to use an elevator shaft at a time, and the platforms in the elevators are actually apertures that open up during use except for the one above the destination floor, which is there to end the passenger's excursion. While that may be painful, this is military shit; the guys who use it are hardened soldiers who have been trained in the use of-

"FAH, MY HEAD!" Lard Nar screamed when he hit the upper aperture. "Nobody told me that was how it stopped!"

The door to the elevator opened and an airburst shot Lard Nar out like a cannonball. This elevator had led directly to the food court, AKA sector nine, and poor GIR was right in the path of Lard Nar's momentum.

Thankfully, Vortians on average are actually very light in weight, and to GIR it felt somewhat like getting hit in the stomach with a large pillow.

"Tiny… metal… monstrosity…" Lard Nar gurgled.

Aaron popped out of Twilight's mouth, "You called?"

Twilight spat Aaron out onto GIR's head, "What the hell were you doing in there?"

"Looking a gifted horse in the mouth," Aaron replied. There was a faint rim shot, and Aaron hopped off of GIR's head to take his frustration out on some cables.

Everyone stood still for a moment, and immediately went to action.

Lee's tentacles flicked upward in a defensive position while his right eye charged a blast of concentrated energy, Hector set his hands on fire, Rainbow Dash flew a distance away and found a sharp object to impale Lard Nar with, Twilight began forming an offensive energy field, and GIR unfolded his umbrella once more.

Lard Nar's plan of action was simple, look at what everyone was doing, whistle for a bit, then run screaming like a maniac.

Back on the ground, the ten other characters who make this story confusing were still sitting at the park. Possibly testing their patience, as one can only sit at the park for so long.

"Pinkie, how long has it been?" said Spike.

Pinkie-Pie had gained a kleptomaniac trait from the lunacy of this universe, and therefore had jacked a classic ticking stopwatch off of the kitchen table earlier. She checked this stopwatch for a few seconds, and then looked up at Spike. "About nineteen-hundred and thirty-seven seconds."

"How many minutes?" Spike asked worriedly.

Pinkie looked back down at the stopwatch, and then looked up again. "Doesn't say."

"Are all clocks like that here?" Spike asked Rav.

"They are as far as I'm concerned," Rav replied, a pigeon landed on her head. "Hell-o, DNA!"

An Irken Information Retrieval Purposed Electronic Fang protruded from Rav's PAK, and went for the pigeon slowly so as not to startle it, but just as the needle was about to puncture the pigeon's skin, Fluttershy snatched the pigeon away.

"Dammit," Rav said, frustrated.

"Hr dr yr!" Fluttershy attempted to attempt to shout at Rav as she placed the pigeon on the ground.

"Speak up, Kenny," Rav replied.

"…Frck yr."

Tak had been conversing about a philosophy of hers with Rarity. "If a telepath is someone with telekinesis, does that make a psychopath someone with psychokinesis?"

Rarity replied with another philosophy. "If somepony stands in the shadow of a tall building, do they still have a shadow?"

In unison, the two of them produced a thoughtful hum.

Shortly after, the shoulder of the decaduomegadoomer exploded into a hail of magical energy, blue plasma, fire, spectra, and for some reason, bees. Six tiny dots flew out of the shoulder of the behemoth as the mech slowly crashed into the ground.

"That was pretty," said Vir mildly.

Vinyl pushed a button on her newfound Walkman, and Mittens pounced on Vir from a nearby bush, forcing him off his seat and making him run screaming. "Well… I suppose that's entertaining."

"CONFOUND YOU, EARTH FELINE!" Vir screamed before he ran into a tree, causing him to fall down, and the cat to run away. "Well, that wasn't so bad."

Unfortunately for Vir, the black dots that were coming out of the mech's shoulder had their trajectory pointed exactly towards the tree that he had run into.

This tree was a very special tree, because about a year ago, some guy put a shitload of magnets into it for no explainable reason, and this day would be the day that those magnets were put to good use, as Lee had been holding Lard Nar in the air with one tentacle while Rainbow Dash used one of Lee's arms, which was severed in the explosion, to beat the snot out of Lard Nar rapid-fire style without using too much energy in her wings. As a result, all three of them were being propelled directly into the tree with the help of the magnets. Hector and Twilight were clinging to GIR as he flew into the tree. Twilight was hanging onto GIR for dear life, while Hector just thought bodysurfing was cool.

Rainbow Dash was the only one having any reaction to how quickly the ground was rising. She took advantage of this situation by using Lard Nar as a human shield (technically not human, but still a living shield) so that she wouldn't have to unfold her wings and compromise any power from her hooves, which, at the moment, were covered in purple Vortian blood, and becoming more so by hitting Lard Nar's face at the speed of sound.

"Say hi to the ground, Lardy or whatever your name is!" Rainbow Dash said madly as the hum of a super-magnet drew ever louder.

"I would if my lungs were working," Lard Nar coughed. "I can't make an 'H' noise without making another crater in my stomach, are you pleased now?"

"Nope!" Dash said happily, and she shoved Lard Nar's face into the trajectory of the tree.

Vir got up and brushed the wood chips and grass off of him. "Well, it's a good thing I'm indestructible," Vir looked at the quickly approaching mass. "Oh, FUCK NO."

A split second before Lard Nar could crush Vir's skull, a metal spider leg popped out of Vir's PAK and stopped Lard Nar, Lee, and Rainbow Dash in their tracks, creating a loud cracking noise.

"No. Okay?" said Vir. "I am not having my skull cracked again, GOT IT?"

At that moment, GIR, with Hector and Twilight attached to him, flew into Vir and crushed him.

"I hate this planet," Vir spat.

"Join the freaking club," Lard Nar said, now in a pile made up of himself, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Hector. Lee and GIR were attached to the tree by their arms.

"Right, so, how about we take a five minute break to recover and we murder the goat guy?" Hector asked, attempting to reposition his foot.

"Screw that," said Kat, who had snap-recovered from her unconsciousness, now fully alert and ready to fire a plasma cannon that she had miraculously pulled out of her PAK in less than a split second. She pointed the device at Lard Nar. "I'm firing this in three seconds, if you're not out of the way, I'm still firing."

"RUN AWAY!" screamed the group of three on top of Lard Nar, and they jumped off the soon-to-be corpse.

The beam fired from the cannon, and hit Lard Nar square in the top of his head.

"Argh, now I have a headache… and there are two more holes- scratch that, three more of them in my lungs," Lard Nar groaned.

"Why aren't you dead?" Kat asked, she looked at the device with a curious eye; it was a laser gun, yes, but as the label claimed, it was not a death ray, it was a Military-Class Migraine Construction Device. "Well, that's just useless."

"Someone please kill me," said Lard Nar.

"I have a better, more child friendly idea!" said Twilight, and she ran up to Lard Nar and punched him in the face.

That was all anyone in the outside world saw, but on the inside of Lard Nar's head, Twilight broke through the mind's reality barrier, brought Lard Nar's consciousness in through the barrier, and shut the barrier tight after exiting through the hole she came in.

Lard Nar was left lying on the ground, shaking in agony and releasing constant exhales out of his lungs.

"I trapped him in his own mind for all eternity!" Twilight said happily as she placed Lard Nar by a tree, she turned her head to face everyone else, "Nopony minds if I leave him here, do they?"

There was absolute silence. Aaron, who had followed GIR out of the mech's shoulder after he finished taking his frustration out on its wires, simply let out a long, loud, "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH."

"Well, then, I guess I'm off the hook," Twilight whistled the tune to "Winter Wrap-Up" happily as she walked to Loctat Knight Apartments to turn in for the night.

Lee, on the other hand, was not in a stupor, thanks to his positronic brain's Backup Standing Consciousness, and shouted, "Anyone gonna get me off this stupid tree?"

This earned him a punch to the face from Fluttershy.