Chapter 7: Robots are Bastards

9:00 PM

"And we're getting reports of a six-hundred-foot-tall battle mech slowly rampaging the streets of Manhattan and trampling passing innocents, Tom, I speak for all of us when I say that this is not the first time that this happened," was the news report that came on in the morning. "Now, over to a live feed from the streets!"

The film changed to a hand camera that was being held in the middle of the street right in front of the decaduomegadoomer, which was making a step every ten seconds. It filmed one witness screaming, "WALK! WALK FOR YOUR LIIIIVES!"

"That is unoriginal!" screamed Lard Nar through the microphone in his mech, and fired a laser right into the face of the witness, vaporizing him or her.

Zim and GIR watched this broadcast through their poor excuse for a television at home.

"Ah, finally, a giant robot to do the destructive surface work that I shouldn't have to, excellent," Zim said, and then he turned to GIR, who had a box of poopcorn in his hands. "Pass me some o' that?"

GIR picked up several poopcorn kernels and handed them to Zim.

Zim contently chewed these crunchy kernels and ignored the sound of his teeth cracking whenever they made contact.

Derpy casually walked into the room without a word and sat down in front of the television, not on the couch of course, because Zim was a dick that way.

"And now a word from our sponsors at Davy's Muffin Factory," said the news reporter, and the television switched to a commercial with a man in front of a factory that had DAVY'S MUFFIN FACTORY painted across its banner.

"We got bran muffins, blueberry muffins, chocolate chip muffins, muffins made from an unknown substance that fell from the sky that we think tastes delicious and soylent brown, which is a type of muffin that has all the necessary nutrients required for a living organ- what the hell is that?"

The man pointed at something off-screen, Zim looked on the floor, and saw that Derpy had disappeared.

Whatever the man was pointing at, it was falling out of the sky with a noise similar to a crashing airplane, and a gray-and-yellow blur shot into the muffin factory, causing it to explode in a wave of baked deliciousness.

The man ran screaming from this tidal wave of muffins, which rapidly approached the camera. The screen went to color bars.

Derpy flew back into the apartment with an armload of muffins, and sat back down on the carpet like nothing happened.

Zim stared at the smoking building out the window with his jaw dropped about two or three feet (it's a cartoon, anything can happen).

Eventually, Derpy decided to break the ice, and presented a bran muffin to Zim, "Want one?"

"No, thank you, but remind me to give you a raise," Zim replied.

"You don't pay me, though," said Derpy.

"Remind me to give you a paycheck."

"Muffins only."

Outside, about twenty miles away, the sad excuse for a battle mech that was the decaduomegadoomer was moving as slowly as a snail, not even, I bet if there was a snail that big, it would go much faster than the robot, just sayin'.

Then, as if anyone would notice, the robot stopped moving. Lard Nar pulled out a microphone, which was attached to the speakers at the sides of the mech, and opened the windshield, a giant hovering screen flew off of the top of the mech and hovered above Lard Nar, as he wasn't easy to see among all the wires and metal that surrounded the cockpit.

Lard Nar tapped the microphone twice. "Testing, testing, one two three, one two three, the quick brown fox-"

At the hard "s" noise at the end of "fox", the speakers let out a noisy feedback that hurt the ears of many pedestrians who had already been gawking in horror at the enormous mech. And NOW their faces were stuck that way, nice hero work, Lard Nar, you've permanently disabled the faces of several hundred innocent Americans.

"Sorry! Sorry! So, very sorry, I'll have that fixed in a microsecond, just… uh… how ya doin'?" Lard Nar asked politely.

Because the earth idiots' faces were frozen in shock, they had all passed out; any conscious New Yorker had probably run to China by now.

"Hard crowd, hard crowd, uh, okay, anyone here play Amnesia?" Lard Nar shouted.

A few people on the streets were conscious, and one of them had enough courage to shout, "YOU SUCK!"

"I know," Lard Nar said painfully. "Anyone know where I could find an alien base to destroy?"

"I think I saw one floating near Loctat Knight Apartments," said one of the few intelligent humans in the crowd, but they were English, not American, so that makes sense, "just keep going forward from where you're standing, can't miss it."

"Thanks for the info," said Lard Nar, and his mech tunneled underneath the ground to move with more stealth, though you can't exactly be stealthy when you've got a giant crack forming above the underground tunnel that you're digging through, but enough of this, time skip four hours.

1:00 PM

Once more, the screen shows a news report.

"It appears that the giant robot that was… doing its sad excuse for rampaging through Manhattan about four hours ago has disappeared without a trace, but at least we don't have to send Spiderman or Alex Mercer to deal with it again, eh Tom?"

…

"Why don't you ever answer me, Tom?"

"Well, that's a shame," said Zim, "I thought it would at least destroy the entire state of New York, but oh well, I guess I should earn my right to this PITIFUL planet as a whole."

Meanwhile, in a self-proclaimed fancy restaurant, a customer is not satisfied, and takes it up as his snooty-ass right to bark it to the snooty-ass waiter in his own snooty-ass way.

"Excuse me," said the customer to the waiter, "I believe I ordered this joke to be original, this joke is only sort-of original, do I look like a sort-of type of gentleman to you? I think not, so why don't you go and write a-"

The decaduomegadoomer burst through the floor and focused its glass eyes on the snooty-ass man, ignoring the fact that it just disintegrated a waiter.

"YAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed the man, who decided not to run, but to just scream at his doom.

A little hatch opened on the robot, and out popped Lard Nar with a laser gun. "Your fourth-wall break was unnecessary! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF GOOD HUMOR!" Lard Nar tweaked his laser gun to 'INCINERATE' mode, and fired it at the snooty-ass man, creating a blue laser and a noise similar to someone shouting 'BLAH!'

Across the street, in dog form, GIR's super-sensitive electronic ear apparatuses heard this noise. "Eh?"

"I didn't say anything," said Zim.

"Oh, okay," and GIR went back to resting.

A loud crunch shook the apartment; couch included, and tossed GIR into the wall. "Not again!"

"Ugh, a natural disaster, sometimes I think that some omnipotent force out there is trying to get me to fail," Zim pulled a panel out of his PAK that said BASE STABILITY ENSURANCE MECHANISM on the back, on the front, the panel just had one big purple button that said STABILIZE, which Zim pressed, causing the apartment building's shaking to come to a gradual halt. Outside, tendrils were extending from the apartment in both directions and reaching towards the ground. Zim hopped off of the couch and began to walk to his office. "Now then, I should stop slacking off and get to-"

A giant blast vaporized a large section of wall, freeing GIR, but slicing half of his disguise off of him. "THANK YOU!"

The smoke cleared, revealing the upper-leg areas of Lard Nar's mech.

"You're very we- WAIT A MINUTE, I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL YOU!" the mech blasted GIR with just under enough power to destroy him, so GIR lived, but he had one monster of a scorch mark on his head. Also, because Vortian plasma death darts don't produce splash damage, nothing else was affected.

"Woo! Do that again!" GIR said happily.

"NO!" Lard Nar screamed. He switched to the weapon that did have splash damage; thankfully, this took a long time to load, and gave Zim enough time to give an order.

"GIR, defensive mode, now," Zim whispered, and then he ran off and hid in a cabinet.

GIR didn't go into duty mood. He didn't open fire on the robot. He didn't run to China like the humans.

He opened an umbrella.

The mech fired its weapon, vaporizing everything in the general direction that the weapon had fired, and creating an enormous hole in the ground that went about two or three miles. GIR stood on a little platform of wood and carpet that stood firmly on a convenient column.

GIR's umbrella was now glowing blue, and made fast-paced wubbing noises.

"Push the little button, GIR! Have you forgotten how to use your own weapon? PUSH- THE- FUCKING- BUTTON!" Zim screamed at GIR.

"Okeydokey then!" GIR pushed the little click that one would expect was there to assist in closing the umbrella, but rather, it fired a cyan laser beam into the left knee of the decaduomegadoomer, crumpling it like tinfoil.

"OW, FUCK! OH, FAGGOT!" screamed Lard Nar, the robot let out an alarm sound from its back.

"High-level damage detected, firing everything cannon," the mech began charging into a neon green color, then it fell over at something in between the speed of a bullet and the speed of sound, right on top of the poor excuse for a fancy restaurant nearby.

"Wrong way, you oversized tin can!" Lard Nar shouted.

"Evil genius anger detected, deploying prisms."

"THANK YOU!" Lard Nar screamed angrily.

Rainbow Dash, who had been looking for a replacement eyeball, had just finished cramming a light bulb into her eye socket in the linen closet when the door fell over, "The heck is that? I mean, other than the reason I exist."

SCIENCE JOKE, BITCHES

"They're triangular pyramid-shaped robotic minions that drain light from any area within their five yard radii and spew rainbow colored lasers at their targets," said Twilight.

"How did you-?" Zim began.

"I looked it up, what of it?"

"Why does my computer keep giving you furry interdimensional beasts its precious knowledge?" said Zim.

"It doesn't have a password," said Rainbow Dash, the light bulb popping out of her eye socket.

A hovering glass triangular pyramid (about six feet by six feet by six feet) floated through the hole in the wall, all nearby lamps powering off in the process, it was also screaming in binary, so it looked and sounded like something out of the first TRON movie.

"Zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero," at that, this pyramid may be able to move quickly when flying, but because it didn't have any legs or wheels or anything of the sort, it moved incredibly slowly on foot, just like everything else its company manufactured.

Walking carefully on the crumbling scaffolding, the pyramid charged itself with electrons from light bulbs and a few lamp posts, sort of like that scene in the first "Harry Potter", except not quite as overrated, and with less of a detestable fan-base.

This pyramid eventually stopped, took in a few seconds of suspense, and exploded into a full spectrum of beautiful doom, creating an air burst about thirty feet in diameter and forcing everybody/pony to cling to whatever they were standing in front of, GIR got the short end of the stick, and clung to a piece of weak scaffolding, which cracked and broke, causing him to fly into Rainbow Dash's face and flinging them both into Hector's face.

Hector had just woken up, and was now very upset.

"What the fuck is going on?" Hector asked.

"Geometry's a bitch," GIR said simply.

"Amen to that," Hector muttered.

Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, was in great pain, and bleeding in her forehead. "Ow, ow, ow, everything hurts, everything hurts, I think my brain just went into my stom- shyyyAAAA, where are the [ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS]?"

"No idea, I split my hand open yesterday and I couldn't find them either," Hector said, and then he raised his right hand, which was just fine now. "It's better now though, thanks to welding my skin back together."

"That's not healthy," Twilight said.

Lee walked by casually and muttered, "Neither is drinking gray paste that a cyan Pegasus threw at you, but I did it anyway."

"And because I can't get up due to a horrible bone dislocation in my right hind leg, I have a question," said Rainbow Dash.

"Yeah?" Lee asked.

"Do you ever take the time to clean?" she said irritably.

"Nope," said Lee, outstretching his neck.

The camera faces from Rainbow Dash's point of view, in which we get a sort of over-the-shoulder 2nd-person view of Lee's head, still imitating the overused TF2 gag. The ceiling above Lee disintegrated, and through several floors, the battle mech was staring down at the five characters. Actually, I for one think this is impressive, considering the size of the mech, that it would be able to lift itself up in less than ten minutes.

"HEEEEEEEERE'S LARDY!" screamed Lard Nar.

"Well, we're fucked," said Hector.

"I have an idea!" said Twilight.

"Give the turret milk?" Lee said stupidly.

"Not quite as brilliant, now, I'll give it to you slowly, walk forward indefinitely at a speed of no less than sixty miles per hour."

"Good idea!" said the other four in unison, and with that, they disappeared, leaving several smoke trails in the shape of a Lee, a Hector, a Twilight, a GIR, and a Rainbow Dash, the final having a little blood trail left behind it.

"Aw, man, I wanted to see if that rainbow one would look like a crushed bag of Skittles," said Lard Nar sadly.

"Those traitorous bastards left me to die!" Zim screamed.

"One, one, one one one one ONE ONE ONE ONEONEONEONEONEONEONEONEONE-" the prism shrieked.

"WONDERWHEEL!" shouted an eardrum-piercingly high-pitched voice, and a motorcycle flew through what was left of the window and shattered the prism.

And because I've been forgetting to acknowledge their importance, Derpy, Pinkie-Pie, Vir, Rav, Kat, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike, Tak, Aaron, and Vinyl had all just gone out to the park to wait for the street to clear up. Applejack was nowhere to be found.

Kat had been showing Spike the magic of cocaine, Derpy had been eating muffins, the same muffins that she got four hours ago, Rarity was lightly humming a tune that would normally get you put into a padded cell, and Fluttershy was attempting to recreate the English language without using any vowels. All the rest were just enjoying the view.

A mushroom cloud rose in the distance, Vir pointed lazily.

"Another explosion," said Vir, pointing at the mech that was, once again, doing its poor excuse for rampaging through the town.

"Neat," said Vinyl, who wasn't exactly paying attention, due to the fact that she was listening to music off of a Walkman MP3 Player that someone had left in front of the Empire State building. "Man, this guy doesn't have any dubstep!"

Vir sighed, and then he looked at Derpy, who was eating the aforementioned "soylent brown" muffin.

"Soylent brown is ponies," said Vir.

Derpy stopped chewing for a few seconds, her crossed eyes went wide, then they went back to normal and she continued chewing.

"Nice kid," Vir sighed, and then he went to sleep on the bench.

"You'll know it's working when Vir turns into a puppy," said Kat, handing Spike a bag of the inviting white powder.

"Wait a minute," Spike said. "Something tells me that cocaine isn't my friend."

"It is in this mystical land, purple one," Kat squeaked, and then she ate a chunk of dirt and passed out.

"Now I'm scared," said Spike.

"Nd n hg?" Fluttershy attempted to say.

"I don't even know," Spike muttered.

Back at the other point of view, five poor souls had just run into a truck filled with Red Bull mixed with gunpowder (why someone would need a truck for that, nobody/pony will ever know), at a speed of no less than sixty miles per hour.

Now, one may wonder how someone would be able to run at sixty miles per hour in such a short period of time, but there's an answer to everything, Hector burst into flames and sped forth like a rocket, GIR and Lee were technically robots, so that explains it for them, Rainbow Dash was just awesome that way, and Twilight used MAGIC!

But of course, this was before current events, so right now, everybody/pony was lying sprawled in the middle of the street with many broken bones (or, in GIR's case, torn wires) and scorch marks on their bodies.

"What kind of idiot mixes Red Bull and gun powder?" Hector grunted.

"How the fuck would any of us know?" Lee replied.

"It was rhetorical," Hector re-replied, getting up and vaporizing a can of the chemical abomination that was at his feet.

"AAAAGH, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS DIMENSION SUCK AT DRIVING?" Rainbow Dash screamed. Her wings were bent over in a way similar to that of a hastily-folded piece of paper. "I feel like my brain was smashed open by a slice of lemon wrapped around a freaking BRICK!"

"Some of it must have gotten in your mouth, then, that's a sensation you usually get from drinking anything in this dimension," Twilight said, miraculously less beaten-up than everyone else, and sitting on a bench.

"You've got some pussy-ass taste buds if that's really what you think of our food," Lee grumbled as he used his tentacles to regain his balance.

Twilight squinted at Lee and stared through him like a fiber laser. "Shut up."

Lee squinted back with the aperture in his right eye actually producing a fiber laser, thankfully pointed several inches from Twilight's face. "Insert witty counter-comeback here."

"REEEEEEEJECTED!" GIR screamed.

"Oh, BUCK THIS; let's just knock this thing over and shout 'timber' so we can all go home!" Rainbow Dash shouted, and limped towards the mech at something close to twenty miles per hour. Jesus Christ, just imagine how cool it would be to see that, something limping at the speed of an automobile. That would be awesome.

"I'm gonna go walk up a building," Lee said dully.

"You aren't going to help us kill that thing?" Hector asked.

Lee heard a faint "CRAP!" followed by the thump of the mech's footfall, and Rainbow Dash went flying over his head and into a wall.

"You mean that thing that sent six or seven cars along with a young Pegasus flying ten feet into the air just by stepping forward?" Lee asked.

"Yes," said Hector.

Meanwhile, within the altered positronic brain inside Lee's cracked metal-assisted skull, millions of underpaid microscopic mechanical workers communicate through small static shocks.

"Commander, subject Lee is being a pussy, how do we respond?"

"Destroy his nerves and remind him that he's made out of stainless steel."

"One more question."

"Yes?"

"Can my friend get a raise?"

INB UNIT 17Q LAMBDA TERMINATED

"Anyone else still want a raise?"

That all happened in about a split second.

There was a loud dinging noise from Lee's left eye, an angry voice shouted, "POPCORN!" and the eye turned to a dark blue color. "Okay."

"Thank you for not pussying out," Hector muttered.

"Yep, now, WE RIDE!" Lee's tentacles grabbed his cohorts in a fashion not unlike a boa constrictor, and he grabbed GIR, the only one there who couldn't die of asphyxiation, harmlessly by his right hand.

"And now one of the few parts of me that wasn't destroyed is slowly being crushed into cranberry juice," Rainbow Dash squeaked.

-END CHAPTER-