Chapter 5: No Comment

Far from the facility, a charred escape pod flew through space at the speed of a bullet. Of course, this escape pod had been traveling through space for about half a week, so a bullet was far too slow for the occupants, Tim and Lard Nar.

Lard Nar spent most of this trip bouncing a chunk of rubbery debris off of the wall of the escape pod, because of this, his right hand was now very, very sore, the lights were very dim, except for the light coming from the iPod (old one, not the fingerprint-magnet touch screen one) that Tim stole from Almighty Tallest Red.

The camera, of course, is not facing into the screen of the iPod, it's facing Tim and Lard Nar's faces.

There was a yellow light on Tim's face, then a pink one, then a cyan one, Tim was smiling gleefully.

Finally, after nearly four days, Lard Nar stopped bouncing the debris off the wall and turned to look at Tim, thus causing the highly-charged momentum of the debris to bounce back and hit Lard Nar in the cheek.

"What are you watching, Tim?"

Tim, somewhat fazed by what he was watching, showed the iPod to Lard Nar, who swatted the thing to the ground after a second.

"That's not RIGHT, Tim, that's just not RIGHT, what you're watching," said Lard Nar.

"Well, I got nothing better to do," said Tim. "I mean, all that's on that device other than those... clips... is sound bites under the titles of "DUBSTEP" and "CLASSICAL" and "SOUNDTRACK", what the heck is SOUNDTRACK supposed to mean?"

Lard Nar paused in the middle of picking up his chunk of rubbery debris that was keeping him occupied through this ride. "...Um, a track... of... sound?"

Tim glared at Lard Nar. "Very creative, numb-nuts."

"Oh, screw you, GIMME DAT!" Lard Nar snatched the iPod from Tim's hand and played a random song, then he tossed it at the wall, breaking it. "Now we both have to suffer."

Both fortunately and unfortunately, the iPod began clicking, then it released something of a distorted alarm noise, then some quick-moving drums, and the escape pod shot through space at warp-12 speed.

"WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHY HAVE WE LOST CONTROW-ALL?" Lard Nar screamed wide-eyed as he was pressed against the "ceiling" of the escape pod, Tim was not, however, because he had the good mind to wear a seat belt.

"What control?" said Tim. "And why are you yelling? The rockets aren't making any noise, there's no sound in space."

Lard Nar's pupils went back to normal scale. "Oh, good point, uh, I guess this isn't bad, so, FORWARD, MISTER ESCAPE POD, FORWARD TO ZIM!"

"YEAAAAH! I'M AN ESCAPE POD!" screamed the escape pod's infected computer as it shot through space, the camera focuses on the moon of a nearby planet, then the scene shifts to the earth's moon as seen from earth.

A Boeing 747 passes by this moon, leaving a cloud of smoke in its wake.

"THAT'S IT, BITCHES, WE'RE GOIN' TO HELL!" said Dib maniacally as the plane flew into the ground.

"AWWW YEAH, BASS BATTLE WITH SATAN!" screamed Vinyl (from the passenger seat) in an even more maniacal tone.

Spike screamed from one of the flight seats, "I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

Meanwhile, back in the apartment, Lee whistled cheerily as he brought out a pile of copper pots and dragged some poor soul's kitchen sink behind him onto the roof of the apartment building, then he looked up. "Oh, right."

Lee dropped everything and ran back to an area off-screen, then he came back to the on-camera area whilst dragging Rainbow Dash by her right wing with one of the claws on his metal tentacles.

Rainbow Dash snatched her wing away from Lee's IRON FIST and glared at the freak of nature and science. "What do you want?"

"I want you to fly up into those clouds up there-" Lee pointed to the sky, "-and make a thunder storm."

Now, one may infer that little Dashie didn't know much about science, but a weather pony would know that washing copper pots in salt water during a lightning storm was definitely the mark of a death wish, either that or just the need to literally explode.

"Aw YEAH!" said Rainbow Dash, "Okay, mister risk-taker, I accept your challenge."

"Good, now make sure that it is directly above the sink, got it?" Lee asked, staring deep into the Pegasus' eyes like some kind of obsessive toddler.

"Yep, hope you like feeling like you just injected sixteen hundred gallons of caffeine into your body with a non-sterilized needle," Rainbow Dash flew into the air, leaving a spectral trail behind her.

At the same time, an airplane was on a path leading directly into the roof of Loctat Knight Apartments.

"YA BETTER GET READY TO DIE, SPIKE!" said Dib, again maniacally.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU TWO!" Spike screamed, he was about to jump out of the plane, then he turned to Derpy, who was picking at a hard-as-a-rock airline muffin. "Derpy, for crying out loud, INTERVENE!"

"I'm hungry, be quiet!" Derpy said, and she continued attempting to consume her muffin.

"I'm not ready to die!" said Spike. "WHAT WAS IN THAT GINGER ALE?"

Before long, Lee was washing copper pots, eventually, out of his peripheral vision, the clouds above began parting for a dark shape.

Up above, Rainbow Dash saw this abomination, a giant metal object, which looked like a poor impersonation of a bird, with thrusters under the "wings."

"Is this some kind of joke?" said Rainbow Dash. "Nobody here can just take the time to grow wings, they just build a machine to do all the work? I'm mad now, so mad, actually, that I think I'm going to punch the air, right... about... NOW."

Rainbow Dash punched what she thought would be an empty area of air molecules, but at that very split second, Lard Nar's escape pod (which was playing upbeat music) made its way into the path of her hoof.

"OW, JEEZ, THE AIR HERE REALLY FLIPPIN' HURTS!" Rainbow Dash rubbed her hoof in pain.

Inside the escape pod, Lard Nar and Tim sensed that their flight to earth had been intercepted by some flying object, and therefore, their originally planned destination would not be the one they would be hitting, rather, the Empire freakin' State Building.

"Well, that stinks," said Lard Nar.

"Indeed it does," Tim replied.

"WOO! HERE WE COME, HADES, I'M COMIN' FOR YA!" said Vinyl mania- okay, I've used that far too much, CRAZILY, that's it, said Vinyl CRAZILY.

"That's... NO... LIGHTNING BOLT!" Lee screamed when he realized that the plane was on a collision course with his head. "But instead of escaping, I'm just gonna stand here and look at the harbinger of my doom in awe instead of escaping like any smart person would do."

And so he did.

"THE REAPER! I CAN SEE HIM! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Spike screamed as he tried to wrench one of the windows off of the side of the plane, he recited a list of steps to himself.

"Step one, carefully remove lever," Spike removed a lever from the side of the window, the window was then loosened, and wobbled with distorted wind noises coming from outside. "Step two, remove the window," Spike punched a hole through the window, creating a wind vacuum that sucked the rest of the window into the sky. "Step three, stand still and think about what you just did," Spike paused, the silence only being broken by the wind coming through the window. "Oh... crud."

The plane crashed directly into Lee's head, nose area going straight between his eyes, crushing whatever was left of his own nose. He kept everything else from going to hell by using two of his tentacles to hold the plane in place while one of them stuck itself to the ground.

"Ow," Lee said, muffled.

"I'm free, suckers!" said Spike, he jumped out of the airplane window and landed on his face a few yards from Lee.

Lee shook the plane like a cereal box to get the remaining three occupants out through the main doorway, first came Derpy, then came Vinyl, and after breaking the plane in two, Dib popped out of the air vehicle as well.

"Good work, Lee, now throw that thing at the water tower!" said Rainbow Dash, muffled through the clouds.

"FUCK PLANES!" Lee screamed as he threw both halves of the Boeing 747 at a water tower, causing ALL THREE OF THEM to explode, he stared at the wreckage for a bit, then he turned his head to Dib. "Now, Dib, was i-?"

In mid-sentence (actually, it was very much near the end of his sentence), Lee was struck by lightning, along with the pots and the salt water behind him.

"Doody doo do do POPCORN!" GIR shouted as he put a bag of popcorn into the microwave. He closed the door and waited a minute, not setting the timer. "DONE!"

Lee stalked into the room, dragging the four "crash survivors" in with him via his metal limbs. "Zim! We have a test subject!"

"Excellent, we shall begin testing immediately!" said Zim, there was a small explosion from where he was. "And bring forth the adhesive medical strips!"

"Very well!" Lee replied, and he tossed everybody/pony/organism on the ground, then he went back to the poor excuse for a laboratory to piece Zim's limbs back together.

-MAGICAL TIME SKIP-

"So, how are our FILTHY EARTH guests?" said Zim as he went to work on rebuilding the Multi-Universal Travel Apparatus, there was a cast over his right arm.

"Well, Rainbow Dash seems to be doing just fine, I don't think she likes airplanes that much, Rarity's sorta gone insane-"

"YOUR FACE IS DELICIOUS!" screamed a tormented voice from the kitchen, there was the sound of a blade piercing through glass.

"YAAAY, IT STINGS!" said GIR happily.

"That her?" said Zim.

"No, I think that was Pinkie Pie, Rarity's cowering in a corner over there with a shotgun," Lee pointed over to a dark corner of the room, and indeed, there sat Rarity with the short-range projectile weapon that Lee mentioned, and she was also wearing a shrapnel helmet.

"Neat," said Zim. "And the rest?"

"Applejack took all my liquor somehow," said Lee, then he frowned. "I has a sad."

Kat walked in with a brace over her leg. "Guys, I think I'm higher up than usual, I just saw a unicorn crash a plane into the apartment building."

"Oh yeaaah, that must be what happened," said Lee.

"And the last one, Fluttershy?" said Zim.

Lee sighed. "Someone erased her mouth."

"Ah, that's usually a side-effect of intra dimensional travel," said Kat. "Actually, I think I can see the future now, that's another thing accomplished thanks to getting high!"

"How does this adventure end, then, Kat?" Lee asked.

"Oh, that's easy, it ends with-"

"SPOILERS!" Rarity screamed, and she blasted Kat with her shotgun. "No... spoilers... pleeease?"

"Got it!" said Kat, who had only been shot backward and sent to the ground by the shotgun, as Irkens are immune to lead poisoning and earth-based projectile weaponry (god, do I have to explain everything?)

"So, what about our new visitors?" said Zim. "What, exactly, are they? More ponies?"

"A cross-eyed Pegasus, a wubbing unicorn, a dragon, and Dib," said Lee.

Zim shrieked. "THE DIB!"

"Yeah, Dib," said Lee. "That dibby bastard is here to wreak dibby doom on our non-dibby plan."

"Then we shall kill him!" said Kat, she pulled a flamethrower out of her PAK and ran for the room's exit. "CHAAAA-"

Zim grabbed Kat by her right antenna. "Hold on there, you crazy broad, the pathetic Dib human probably wants my SUPERIOR ASSISTANCE, if he was to fly directly into the face of the assistant of the harbinger of his very DOOM!"

Rarity said, "He didn't do it on purpo-" Zim shoved an apple into Rarity's mouth.

"Either way, I get to destroy the little d-bag in the end," Zim picked up the emergency electromagnetic wind plunger and left his laboratory.

Silence... silence... silence... silence.

"All right," said Lee, clapping his hands together. "Who wants popcorn while we watch Dib blow up?"

"Me!" said Kat.

"YOUR DOG IS ALI-HI-HIVE!" Rarity laughed. "YOU BROUGHT IT BACK TO LIFE WITH LIGHTNING, AND BOOM-BOOM!"

"Is that depression?" Lee asked.

"Compression, more so, of the brain, I would guess," said Kat, examining Rarity.

"Compressed, huh? So she's a dot rar-itty file?" Lee said.

"No," said Kat simply, and she blasted Lee in his right eye with a bowling ball from the D.E.P.R.O.S.A, which Zim left on the ground.

Lee's right eye popped out of its socket, and a circular aperture closed around said socket.

"THAT hurt," said Lee.

"Good," Kat replied.

"'Ello, Dib," said Zim as he brought the weaponized plunger into the living room where Dib and Spike were watching 30 Rock. "I'm here to KILL you, isn't that pleasant?"

"No, Zim," said Dib. "No, in fact, it's not."

"Oh, really? Okay then," Zim began walking out of the room, and darted back to looking at Dib. "Too bad."

"You really gotta kill him? He's only a danger to himself, you know," said Spike.

"Really?" said Zim.

"There was something WEIRD in that ginger ale," said Dib.

"Oh, so it was just the ginger ale, in that case, go ahead and kill him," said Spike.

"Help me out here, man!" said Dib.

"How did you even get your hands on a plane?" said Zim.

"It's the ginger ale, man, it does shit to ya," said Dib, his eyes bloodshot.

"Uh-huh, well, in that case, I'm going to need to know just what the f*** happened BEFORE you got here, and why you NEEDED a plane in the first place," said Zim.

"Okay," said Dib.

-DUE TO THE FACT THAT THIS EXPLANATION IS LONG AND BORING, WE SHALL BE FILLING THE SPACE WHERE DIB IS TALKING WITH COMMERCIALS-

In a world of bees, only one bee is THE KILLER BEE

kzzt

Does somebody you know write about aliens and ponies? If so, call now, and we'll send them to the nearest mental hospital, WHAT SICK MAN SENDS PONIES- TO FIGHT ALIENS?

kzzt

YOUR BRAIN IS NOT SAFE FROM LASERS!

kzzt

-And now back to your regularly scheduled programming-

"...dubstep laser beam," Dib finished. "And now they're coming to F-f*-f**-f*** US!"

"Gentlementlemen?" said Spike.

"No," said Dib, imitating the rage comic meme.

"Okay," said Spike, imitating another meme.

"And that's why Cloudsdale is on Bespin," said Vir to Rainbow Dash in the kitchen.

"Wow," said Rainbow Dash. "Can't argue with that philosophy, except for the fact that it's in Equestria."

"I'm saying that its equivalent is Cloud City on Bespin," said Vir, "And possibly Columbia from BioShock Infinite."

"You really think those universes actually exist?" said Rainbow Dash.

"Well, considering there are more universes in the multiverse than dust mites in one universe, yeah."

"Then where is it here?" Rainbow Dash said irritably.

"Hmm... ah, Dib's head?" said Vir. "What else could be holding that giant orb up other than some telekinetic parasite in his hair?"

"So you're saying my equivalent is a blood cell? That's stupid."

"No, equivalent organisms do not need to live in equivalent locations," said Vir. "It could be anyone... or anything."

"Well, this was a learning experience," said Twilight, dotting an I on a full notebook of Vir's intra-universal philosophies. "I hope to understand this universe more, it'll be a real treat of knowledge for Princess Celestia."

"Just warning you, last time I mentioned multidimensional travel back on Conventia, I got thrown into a cell for six days," Vir picked up a sandwich and threw it at Hector. "THINK FAST!"

"NIGH!" Hector shouted, and he punched the colliding sandwich, disintegrating it. "I came up with that in half a second, thinking fast is at least eighty percent shorter than that. YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"

Hector tossed a spoon at Vir and laughed maniacally, then he left.

"Ass," said Vir, rubbing his face, then he turned back to Rainbow Dash. "Now, I could tell you the story of the guy who had my PAK before me, he was quite a badass."

"Nah," said Rainbow Dash. "You bore me, your definition of awesome is probably the ability to go outside and not get mugged."

"How could you tell?" Vir asked worriedly.

"You just seem like that kind of person," Rainbow Dash shrugged.

"I've been to space, have you?" said Vir, glaring at Rainbow Dash.

"I've broken the sound barrier before," Dashie replied casually.

Vir growled, and said through gritted teeth, "The moon is a lovely place to be this time of year."

"You LIKE it up there?" Twilight shrieked.

"Damn right I do, I wish I could spend my WHOLE LIFE up there."

Twilight gasped, "That's-that's- you're telling me you WANT a life sentence?"

"If that's what you call it, then yes, I do indeed," Vir smirked.

Rainbow Dash scoffed, and whispered in Twilight's ear, "Don't let him get the better of you, watch this."

Rainbow Dash picked up a full glass of water that she poured for herself, and tossed it at Vir, his smirk quickly retracted into a grimace.

"You suck," Vir said, his skin burning, he got up and walked over to his room in the same sort of fashion that someone would walk if they had a turd in his pants, "I'm gonna go eat some glue."

Rainbow Dash sat still for a moment, thinking that there was more meaning behind what Vir just said, then she got the insult. "Oh, that's just AWFUL!"

Vir snickered from his room. "And THAT'S why rainbow factories are glue factories in this universe!"

"OH, THAT'S JUST EVIL!" Dash screamed.

"We still use horses for glue?" said Hector from the living room.

"We still use human brains for rainbows?" said Twilight, then she faced the camera. "What? You thought we used to use other ponies? How SICK do you think we are?"

"And that's why RAINBOW rhymes with BRAIN BLOW, kiddies!" said Lee, who photo-bombed Twilight.

Twilight shoved Lee's head out of her way and into a wall. "I wasn't- DONE- TALKING!"

"Sorry."

Lard Nar and Tim exited their sad excuse for an escape pod on top of the Empire State building, the tiny chunk of white chalk that was once an Apple product bounced out of the escape pod and rolled off of said building and plummeted towards the doom of either itself or some unlucky chap on the sidewalk.

"Well, I guess this is earth," said Tim, looking out over the city.

"A-yup," said Lard Nar, he looked around.

"What are you looking for?" Tim asked.

Lard Nar gave up his search, "I was looking for a fuck to give for when we blow this bitch sky high."

"The results?" Tim asked.

"No fucks given."

"Very well," Tim pulled out a disc-shape with a shiny red button in the middle. He set the device on the ground and backed up. "Activating Gigadoomer Mech in three..."

Lard Nar shoved his foot down on the button.

Tim glared at Lard Nar.

"I'm not going to wait any longer, TIM, I've been waiting for manifestation, and as Eris is my witness, I NEED IT NOW!"

"Aren't we supposed to be resisting this sort of shit?" Tim said as the disc assembled extra components.

"There are a good eleven legal members of the Irken empire living on this planet, we'll just blow up their apartment, manifest, recruit others to join the Resisty, and when everyone's nice and comfortable, we head off to Jupiter and Pluto to do the same, it's foolproof."

"Okay... wait a minute, doesn't that make me an enemy?" Tim asked.

"Yes," said Lard Nar, then he pulled a laser gun out of his ass and shot Tim in the squeedily-spooch, vaporizing him.

-CHAPTER END-