Romance and the Fate of Equestria

I must, at this point, publicly thank Ranger138 for an extremely generous compliment. He told me that I write Discord "better than Larson". Now, I know the names of the writers but never paid attention to which ones wrote which episodes, so I initially assumed that it wasn't really a compliment, that M.A. Larson had written an episode in which Discord returns which Ranger found unsatisfactory and was simply snarking about it.

But I decided to check up on it, and as it turns out, M.A. Larson wrote the two-part Season 2 premiere—Discord's debut episode. So you're saying my Discord is better-written than the original Discord. That kind of compliment deserves public acknowledgment. Thank you so much, my friend. You've made me feel very good about myself, hehe.

Chapter Eighty-Five

Spike and Truffle Shuffle made their way through the nighttime streets of Ponyville, bundled up against the cold.

"Thanks for inviting me to this, Spike," Truffle Shuffle said, shivering slightly.

"Don't mention it. Thank you for coming. I'm glad to have a guy my own age at this thing."

"Yeah…" Truffle Shuffle said thoughtfully. "I appreciate that too. I don't usually relate to guys my age. That's why I hang out with fillies. I understand them. I never saw the appeal of… I don't know, farting contests or whatever it is colts are supposed to do."

"Yeah, I assume adults don't do that," Spike said dryly. "Maybe we're both better off hanging with adults. Or, well… each other."

"Sure, sure," Truffle Shuffle agreed. After a pause, he added, "I wish I was kidding, about the farting contest thing. Sometimes they go by duration, sometimes by volume, sometimes… other criteria."

"Pfft," Spike chuckled. "I'm so glad I don't go to school."

Truffle Shuffle blinked. "Say… why don't you go to school?"

"Oh, Princess Celestia educated me with subliminal messages," Spike said proudly. "I got my diploma at the age of ten and went right to working for Twilight."

"Wow. Cool."

"Not really. Didn't work. A lot of stuff goes over my head. I wouldn't recommend it, the subliminal education thing."

"…Oh."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Mr. Cake set up a six-cornered poker table in the middle of Sugarcube Corner. Behind him, Big Macintosh leaned against a counter, speaking with Cranky Doodle Donkey.

"I just… I needed to be alone," he muttered confidentially. "I really, really did. But at the same time… I'm startin' to think breakin' up with her was the worst mistake of my life."

"Could be," Cranky said simply.

"Well, what do I do?" Big Mac said glumly.

Cranky raised an eyebrow. "You're asking me?"

"Well… you've been all over Equestria, seen lots of stuff and folks," Big Mac pleaded. "I figgered if anypony would know…" He let that hang.

Cranky nodded. "I'm sorry, son. I'm not the one to talk to about girl troubles. I met one mare and spent sixty years searching for her and her alone. Now I've found her, and a little over a week from now—so, you know, three months before I die—we're finally getting married. That's the extent of my experience with the ladies. All I can say is that you should do what feels right."

Big Mac breathed in and out calmly. "Then I guess I was right. Time to let her go and move on."

"If you really think so," said Cranky.

He swallowed, holding back tears. "Eeyup."

Spike and Truffle Shuffle entered the shop, kicking off their boots and hanging up their hats and coats.

"Hey, here are the boys!" Mr. Cake said gleefully. "Hey, Truffle Shuffle, good to see ya!"

"You too, Mr. Cake," said Truffle Shuffle, grinning.

Mr. Cake waved a hoof dismissively. "It's Carrot. Call me Carrot. There's no 'Mr. Cake' at guys' night. Spike! There ya are, bro. How's it going, dude?" He held up a hoof in front of Spike. "Man? You ready for guys' night, bro? Dude? Man-bro-dude-man-dude? …Bro?"

"Wow," Spike remarked after a long, protracted silence.

"Anyway!" Mr. Cake said, wandering back to the table. "Got the cards, got the chips. Snacks and drinks. I hope you're more fun when you drink soda than when you drink beer, gentlemen, 'cause there will be no beer. We've got minors here. Just waiting on one more guy. Yep."

The doors opened again, and Featherweight silently skittered in, grinning sheepishly when he realized all eyes were on him.

"Featherweight?" Spike hissed, whirling on Mr. Cake. "You invited Featherweight?"

"Yeah, he's a nice kid," Mr. Cake said, shrugging. "Why?"

"He's my nemesis!" Spike protested.

"You have a nemesis?" Mr. Cake said blankly.

"He was going out with the filly I love, of course he's my enemy," Spike growled, leering at Featherweight, who stared back at him curiously, not hearing the conversation. "And then he broke up with her, so I'm allowed to hate him even more on her behalf."

"You've thought this out," Mr. Cake said wryly.

"Yes, I have," Spike said without a trace of irony.

"Well, he's here now," said Mr. Cake. "Suck it up and just play cards with the guy. If you hate him that much, just try to take him to the cleaners."

Spike nodded. "Okay. Can do."

"Let's get started, shall we?" Mr. Cake said brightly to the entire room.

"Spike, what about the other guy you invited?" Truffle Shuffle asked.

Spike bit his lip nervously and looked up at Mr. Cake. "Uh, yeah, about that…"

Discord burst through the front door noisily, wearing a ridiculously plumed top hat decorated with a skull and crossbones. "Gentlemen!" he announced. "Enchanté." He bowed down and swept the hat off his head grandly. The hat vanished and Discord darted over to Spike, coiling around him and drumming his fingers on the dragon's head. "I'd like to thank this sweet little guy Spikey-wikey for inviting me to this happenin' soiree." He zipped off.

Mr. Cake glared at Spike. "Really? I get crap for inviting Featherweight?"

"We all make mistakes, let's move on," Spike mumbled.

"This was supposed to be a party!" Mr. Cake snapped.

"I'm sorry!" Spike cried out, wincing. "He heard me telling Twilight about it. I had no choice."

"Of course you had a choice," Discord said brightly, leaning across a countertop and taking a single bite out of a cake before putting it back in its display case. "But you just couldn't bear to be impolite, could you? He's such a good friend." He zipped across the room again and nipped Spike's cheek with his single fang.

"Ow!" Spike cried out.

"I heard it was guys' night, and I simply had to be here," Discord continued, strutting around the room. "I mean, why shouldn't I come to guys' night? Careful examination will reveal that I'm a guy."

"I'll pass on that, thanks," said Mr. Cake, disgusted.

"I meant my beard. Think about getting your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Cake."

Mr. Cake's eye twitched.

"Anyway, Twilight thinks I should be here," said Discord. "She said she wants me to make friends. I suspect she just wanted to get me out of her hair."

"I thought he couldn't do anything chaotic," Mr. Cake muttered to Spike.

Spike shrugged. "Apparently, none of that qualifies."

"Look, fellas," Discord chuckled, looking around at all of them, "I'm not here to cause any trouble. Here, I brought a peace offering: as requested, chips baked with sour cream and onion."

He produced a bowl, filled with multicolored poker chips covered in powder. He grinned out at the group expectantly, as they stared at him with disdain.

"Potato chips, Discord," Spike sighed.

"Picky, picky…" He snapped his fingers, transforming the poker chips into potato chips. He set them on the table, and the others began taking their seats, studiously ignoring him.

Discord slithered up to Spike. "Hey, I opened with a joke," he hissed. "What more do you want from me?"

"It's not that easy," Spike whispered back.

"Yes, yes, friendship isn't always easy," Discord sneered. "I remember having that line triumphantly shouted in my face. But really, if it's not easy, I'm not sure if I'm even interested."

"Sit down and shut up," Spike said, exhaustedly rubbing his temples. "You're going to try and make friends."

"You can't tell me what to do," Discord grumbled.

"I don't see you leaving," Spike countered.

"Twilight can tell me what to do, and she says I'm not allowed to leave without you," he said grudgingly.

"Then you might as well take a seat," said Spike.

Discord promptly did so.

"Just explain to me how this is going to be fair," Mr. Cake said irritably, pulling into the seat next to Discord's and shuffling a deck of cards. "Playing cards with Discord. He's gonna rip us off."

"Who, me?" Discord said innocently. "Cheat at cards? For shame! I am a law-abiding citizen. I'm wholly incapable of cheating, and even if I could, I wouldn't. Rigging a poker game is a depth to which I would never sink."

Big Macintosh raised an eyebrow and looked uncertainly at Spike. "You believe this crap?"

"It must be true, he can't lie," Spike said, shrugging.

"Really?" Cranky demanded. "Then how's he gonna play poker?"

"Oh, raising on a bad hand doesn't really involve any actual lying, per se," said Discord. "So don't worry about me. I still have a poker face. Ra, ra, ra-a-a-a, ro-ma, ro-ma-ma, ga, ga, ooh la la…"

"That's entirely the wrong song, Discord," Spike said, a grin playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Oh," Discord said lamely. "Well, you're right about one thing, about my whole 'honesty' thing: I hold every disadvantage. If my mind starts wandering, I'll probably start reciting aloud all my thoughts vis-à-vis the game, and it'll just be a mess. Just promise me you won't ask me what my hand is, because if you do I might answer, and I will find a way to make you pay."

"Perish the thought," Mr. Cake said, smirking.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"See you and raise," said Cranky, pushing more chips into the pot.

Featherweight matched his wager, smirking theatrically as he did so.

"Oh, stop it with the smugness act," Cranky retorted. "You snot-nosed little…" He paused and inspected Featherweight, before finishing: "…boy or girl."

Spike and Truffle Shuffle cracked up, almost falling back in their seats as they rocked with laughter.

"You're really not pulling it off," Cranky continued. "I see right through your little charade. Sniveling brat…"

"All right, let's keep the trash talk to a minimum, sir," Mr. Cake interrupted. "Truffle, you're up."

"I'm out," Truffle Shuffle muttered, throwing his cards on the table facedown.

"Me too," said Spike. "Man, I'm taking a beating tonight."

"I know, I don't get it," said Truffle Shuffle. "When I play the kids at school, I'm usually great. Why am I struggling so much?"

"Oh, I know!" Discord growled. "We're getting creamed. I'll tell you what it is, it's this guy!" He jabbed a finger at Cranky. "I can't figure it out, but he's dominating this thing!"

Cranky grinned. "Poker is all about reading your fellow players, gentlemen. Reading folks requires wisdom, and wisdom only comes with age."

"Don't play the 'age' card with me," Discord retorted. "I'm a million."

"Well, you may want to look back at all those years and ask yourself what you were doing when you could have been obtaining wisdom," Cranky said flippantly.

The other players gasped, and hesitantly looked to Discord to see his reaction. He was staring tightly at Cranky, his face an emotionless mask.

"Whoa, nelly…" Big Macintosh whispered.

"…I call you," Discord finally said, pushing his chips into the pot.

"I'm out," Mr. Cake said hastily.

"Out," Big Mac agreed.

Cranky started speaking, but Discord held up a finger. Cranky fell silent and waited for Discord to proceed.

"I…" Discord said slowly, "have plenty… of wisdom, old mule. You know how many millennia I spent with no powers at all, living like a regular creature? I learned how to 'read' ponies, my friend. Back then I could 'read' you into doing exactly what I wanted. I 'read' my way to the throne of a world of chaos."

"Interesting," said Cranky. "Then I suppose, once you got your powers back, whenever that was… you decided to forget everything you'd ever learned about real life."

"Well, of course," Discord replied. "What do I need with wisdom when I can break your mind with a single glance into my eyes?"

Discord and Cranky held very hostile eye contact for several seconds.

"Well, ya can't do that anymore!" Cranky said cheerfully. "Two pair, kings and jacks."

Mr. Cake stared in disbelief at Cranky's cards. "That's it?"

Featherweight folded.

"No way…" Spike breathed.

Discord stared for a few more seconds, then laid down his own cards… facedown. "He got me," he muttered.

"Really?" Mr. Cake said, shaking his head. "All that kerfuffle for a two pair? Well, I think we're done for tonight, fellas. Bring me your chips, I'll swap 'em out for bits…"

Cranky scooped up the pot, cackling maniacally.

Discord stood up and stretched. "So, are we doing this next week?"

Mr. Cake glanced at him fearfully, then shrugged. "I hadn't thought of that. Spike, you wanna do this again next week?"

"Yeah, sure," said Spike. "Does that sound good to all you guys? Not you," he hastily added to Discord, who sat down indignantly.

"Eeyup," said Big Macintosh.

"I'd be up for that," Truffle Shuffle agreed.

"All right," said Mr. Cake, pleased. "So all of us are coming back next week."

"Does that include—?" Discord began.

"Are you part of 'all of us'?" Mr. Cake countered.

Discord blinked several times before turning to Spike. "I don't get it," he said.

"Well," Spike said gently, reaching up to tap Discord's shoulder, "after playing you all night, these guys understand you. And that's made them… either like you, or see the importance of giving Twilight a break from you once a week."

"Ooh, the second one!" Truffle Shuffle supplied.

"…Still don't get it," said Discord.

"If Twilight can take care of you all week," said Mr. Cake, "we can take you off her hooves for a few hours every Friday night."

Discord scowled. "Why… why is this going over my head?"

"It's altruism," said Spike.

"That would explain it, but see, why do I feel like I should be insulted?"

"No, not at all," said Cranky. "We like having you here. I especially like taking your money."

"Yeah, ha-ha," Discord retorted. "Twilight gave me that money. Do you enjoy taking her money?"

"Oh, I think she'll understand," Cranky said smugly.

"Come on, Discord," Spike called, pulling his coat and boots back on. "Let's go home."

"Aaaagh, good, finally," Discord sighed. "Wait, what will Twilight say about losing all the money she gave me?"

"You won't get in trouble," Spike said dismissively. "Have you seen her weekly stipend from Celestia? It's obscene. Let's go."

Spike and Discord walked side-by-side through the frosty streets.

"So…" Discord said casually. "Did guys' night live up to your expectations?"

"Oh, absolutely," Spike said gleefully. "I'm gonna love doing that with all those guys every week."

Discord bit his lip. "Again, does that—?"

"And again, are you part of 'all those guys'?" Spike interrupted, smiling up at him. "What can I say? You made it interesting."

"Well, yes, I know I made it interesting, I just wasn't expecting any of you to notice."

"Well, I did notice," Spike said simply. "All the guys did."

"I'm still so confused…" Discord snarled.

"What you heard before, we were just razzing you," Spike assured him. "It's what guys do."

"Well, then I 'razz' folks all the time," Discord huffed. "Was I supposed to take it well? Nopony ever took my teasing in stride."

"Yeah, you do it wrong."