Romance and the Fate of Equestria

This chapter… is not important. It's just a place to put all the golf jokes that have been swimming through my head. I had to devote an entire chapter to all those golf jokes. Most of which… I didn't even write.

So, yeah, this whole chapter is just a bunch of stolen golf jokes, no major game-changing plot revelations or twist endings of any kind. Nope. Nothing like that.

Hehehehehe…

What? No, I'm just laughing at the golf jokes. Yeah, golf jokes…

Chapter Eighty

Under a surprisingly blue sky, several ponies waited at the first teeing ground of a golf course. Rarity sipped a glass of lemonade, wearing a yellow sun hat, purple sunglasses, and a necklace of pearls. Rainbow Dash wore a white visor and pale yellow polo shirt; Fluttershy hung near her, dressed identically and trying to mimic her posture.

"You ready for this, Shy?" Rainbow said, looking her over. "What a perfect day, all clear and warm, our last chance before it has to snow again—just sun, good friends, and eighteen holes! Isn't it gonna rock?"

"I… I think so," Fluttershy whispered.

Applejack emerged from the course's small entrance building, wearing olive-rimmed reflective sunglasses. Pinkie Pie followed, dressed in a black wetsuit lined with yellow, with a mask and snorkel on her brow and four flippers sticking out of her saddlebag.

"Uh, hey Pinkie," Rainbow said uncertainly. "What's with the wetsuit?"

"I got a thing for hittin' 'em into the water," Pinkie said apologetically. "Trust me, this is a necessary precaution."

Spike appeared then, several golf bags slung over his back. Twilight was the last one out, levitating a scoring pad and wearing a visor emblazoned with a huge red heart between the words "I" and "GOLF".

"Hey, everypony," Spike said cheerfully. "I'll be caddying for you, and—I bought the golf balls." He opened a leather box, where six brightly-colored balls were nestled into the custom-fitted red velvet. "Look, they match your coats exactly."

"Oh, how cute!" Fluttershy said gleefully, taking the yellow one. "Very thoughtful, Spike. What are the chances?"

"…Pretty good. They come in a lot of colors."

"Oh."

Rainbow stared skeptically at Twilight, as she set the lavender golf ball on the tee.

"You 'heart' golf, huh?" she said dryly.

"Yep," Twilight said, floating a club over and examining its head.

"Now remember, Twilight," Rainbow said mockingly, "in golf, the lower score wins."

Twilight glared. "I know."

"Just making sure," Rainbow chuckled, holding her hooves up. "Don't want you to get weirded out when you score twenty-seven… from just this one hole… and I score zero."

"Don't worry," Twilight said coldly. "I pieced everything together by reading The Egghead's Guide to Golf."

She swung her club, and the ball sailed off into the distance.

"Whoa," Rainbow commented, watching it fly up and then back down. "…Wow, you got right at the edge of the green." She raised an eyebrow. "Are you frustrated about something, Twi?"

Twilight shrugged as she slipped the club back into one of Spike's bags. "Well, there's a world-destroying serpent goddess on the loose somewhere in the world and we're playing golf. I know she's totally sedentary and Celestia said she could handle it, but… it's still got me on edge."

Applejack shuddered. "I hear ya."

Fluttershy set her ball on the tee and gripped her club between her hooves. She swung back.

"FLUTTERSHY!" Rainbow roared from right behind her.

"Eek!" Fluttershy exclaimed, dropping her club. "Y-yes?"

"You weren't gonna hit that very hard," Rainbow observed.

"N-not really, no…"

"Well, I just wanted to remind you," Rainbow said pleasantly, "that if you don't play to win, you'll end up hitting the ball over and over and over while the rest of us hang out watching and waiting…"

"Eep!"

Fluttershy hit the ball powerfully, and it flew off.

"Holy crap," Rainbow breathed, watching it go. "This is gonna be a closer game than I thought… Badass."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Oh, look," Twilight remarked several holes later. "It's real golf, but they put a windmill at the end anyway. How cute is that?"

The windmill sat over the hole, its four corners the only part of it touching the ground, blocking the hole from certain angles. Twilight putted her ball neatly into the hole.

"All right," Rainbow Dash said cheerfully, looking over the score pad. "Which stroke was that, your fortieth?"

"It was my twelfth, which is a perfectly acceptable number of strokes for a par seven!"

"If you say so," Rainbow chuckled, penciling it in.

Rarity noted the position of the orange ball. "Impressive, Applejack," she said. "The way I see it, you've got a choice between a birdie… and your choice of free merchandise from Carousel Boutique."

Applejack, her putter gripped in her teeth, lowered her shades and raised an eyebrow. "Have we met? I'm takin' the birdie."

"Oh, well, in that case…" Rarity sprawled herself out on the ground, reclining directly between Applejack's ball and the hole.

"What the hell are you doin'?" Applejack demanded, slinging the putter over her shoulder.

"Oh, I don't see anything in the rules of golf that says I can't stay here," Rarity said, running a hoof through her hair.

Applejack sighed and chuckled, then proceeded to grip Rarity's tail in her teeth and attempt to pull her out of the way.

Fluttershy's ball slipped into the hole. "I did it!" she exclaimed in disbelief. "How many points is that?"

"That's an eagle—minus two," Rainbow reported.

"Woo-hoo," Fluttershy said in a feathery whisper, pumping a hoof triumphantly.

Pinkie inspected her own ball. "This is a toughie," she said, rubbing her chin. "Spike, give me my seven."

"You mean your putter?" said Spike, reaching for it.

"No, my seven is fine."

"But this is the putting green," Spike said blankly. "You're within putting distance. You should putt. With your putter."

"Spike, just trust me," Pinkie said patiently. "I want my seven-iron."

Spike shrugged. "Okay…"

Pinkie swung the golf club menacingly, then crouched down, holding the club in one hoof and sliding it over the other, using the butt of the club like a pool cue to nudge the ball into the hole.

"Booyah!" she growled.

Spike stared. "You couldn't have done that with your putter?"

"Pfft, no."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"Ah, that was amazing," Twilight sighed as they all walked back to Ponyville. "Hours and hours of just… us."

"A day to savor," Fluttershy agreed. "I'll never forget it."

"I need to write to Joe," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I should definitely tell him what we did today. I hope he thinks it's a cute story… I'm starting to get really anxious about making the long-distance thing work. Ooh, and I need to write a report too. Anypony have any major relationship breakthroughs lately?"

"There's a whole lotta fish in the sea?" Applejack suggested flippantly.

"That'll do. Can you help me expand on that?"

"Sure thing," said Applejack. She paused, squinting at something up in the sky. "What in the world…?"

Something was approaching at a high speed, streaking through the sky like a flaming arrow, directly toward them.

"Is that a meteor?" Pinkie demanded.

"No…" Twilight muttered. "I think that's… could it be—?"

The object broke the sound barrier in a flash of white, then burst through a fluffy white cloud, vaporizing it.

The large creature landed on the ground, skidding toward them, creating a wide, several-yards-long scar in the road before grinding to a halt, its serpentine body hunched over on all fours.

Discord stood erect, grinning with his single fang and spreading his mismatched arms in a gesture of welcome.

"Lllllladies!" he declared grandly. "I'm here… to help you!"