Romance and the Fate of Equestria

While I'm giving shout-outs to the readers, this one goes out to my little sister, who has started reading this story in her spare time. I don't think I've mentioned my sister to any of you; she's 11 and I'm 21, but when you combine my "late bloomer/jobless joe/basement dweller" status with her surprisingly well-developed insight, intellectualism, and good taste, we're basically equals.

I bring her up now because of a small MLP-related exchange we had that may have changed my life. Okay, not really. But I mentioned to her, with the intent of starting up a conversation, that I've been watching episodes of FiM dubbed into Japanese. She looked up at me with an exquisitely bewildered expression and demanded, "Why?"

Damn good question, sis. Daaaaamn good question.

Chapter Sixty-Two

The cuteceañera was in full swing, in a square stone courtyard in the midst of the bustling Bazaar. It had all the standard trappings: streamers, balloons, a record player playing an old-fashioned waltz, and a cake at the center.

Pinkie Pie, wearing a dress made of multicolored squares each with a different cutie mark, approached the trio of Daisy, Lily, and Rose.

"Hey there, flower girls!" she said happily. "You like my traditional cuteceañera dress? It's quilted!"

They gaped at her in horror before running away screaming.

"What?" Pinkie demanded. "WHAT?" She scoffed. "Weirdos…"

A short distance away, Sweetie Belle gaped and blinked in disbelief at Featherweight.

"You're… you're breaking up with me?" she said softly.

He nodded.

"But… but I don't understand," she said desperately. "Is it something I've done?"

He shook his head.

"Then… why?"

He didn't respond.

Sweetie Belle scowled. "What, you're not talking to me now? You break up with me and then abruptly stop talking, is that it? What, are there cameras on you all of a sudden?"

Featherweight smirked.

"What about the play?" Sweetie Belle demanded. "We were the hottest Prince Coináge and Princess Coraletta ever. What's gonna happen to our stage chemistry?"

He shrugged, then walked off, leaving her looking hurt and bewildered. She walked deeper into the party uncertainly.

Three high-school age fillies from Ponyville were lurking near the buffet table, a head taller than most of the young attendees but shorter and skinnier than the adults. One was a minty-green earth pony with a black-and-white mane; another, a brown pegasus in heavy makeup whose mane was a tangled mess of tan; and the third, a hot-pink unicorn with a pink-streaked black mane tied into pigtails. Spike popped up behind the trio.

"Hello, ladies!" he announced.

"Hiiii Spiiiike," they chorused back to him in unison.

"Enjoying the buffet?" he asked. "It's mostly Sugarcube Corner work, but I made a few contributions. The salad? All me. Those quesadillas, I worked on those all morning. And of course, there's this." He held up a plate carrying a bowl of tortilla chips and a saucer of hot cheese dip. "Famous throughout Canterlot, Ponyville, and soon to be famous at the Bazaar—my homemade, piping hot salsa con queso, which of course is Epoña for 'salsa with queso'."

The three fillies giggled, but were drowned out by a shriek of high-pitched and hysterical laughter coming from a short distance away. Spike and the three girls turned their heads to see Sweetie Belle, blushing at her own loss of control.

"I'm sorry," she said. "It's just… you're funny, Spike."

He smiled. "Thanks, Sweetie Belle."

She considered him and the three teenagers. "Spike, you're… you're like a babe magnet."

"Who, me?" Spike said. "Nah…"

"Sure you are," she insisted. "Just look at you."

"What, you mean these three?" Spike said. "They just like me for my queso."

Sweetie Belle grinned. "Oh, I get the feeling that's not it."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, then Sweetie Belle sighed and proceeded on her way. Spike watched her go blankly.

The pink filly tapped him on the shoulder and bent down to his eye level. "Go and talk to her," she whispered in her thick accent.

Spike looked at the three girls, who all nodded to him encouragingly. He took a deep breath and pursued Sweetie Belle through the crowd.

"Hello, Scootaloo!"

Scootaloo, hovering in place near the courtyard's edge, turned her head. "Oh, hi, Miss Cheerilee."

"You've gotten tall," Cheerilee commented. "And that's a very attractive pair of wings. Flying without Golden Thread, I assume?"

"Yeah," Scootaloo said, glancing at her wings. "It's funny, I really thought I wouldn't be doing any more growing before I got my cutie mark, but I've stretched out. My legs are so sore… My wings are too, but I really like flying."

"Well, you know, there's an inverse relationship between how young a pony gets her cutie mark and how quickly she grows up," Cheerilee said.

"Really?"

"Well, there's no real math to it," Cheerilee clarified. "Everypony grows up differently. But it's true, generally, that the younger a pony is when she gets her mark, the longer it takes for her to start sprouting into an adult."

"No kidding," Scootaloo muttered, looking over her own body. "So, is this a good thing? All the growing I've been doing, does that mean my cutie mark is closer? Or farther away?" She looked into Cheerilee's sympathetic face, then held up her hooves to stop her from replying. "You know what, don't tell me. There are more important things."

Cheerilee smiled. "It really warms my heart to know that you've realized that, Scootaloo."

"Does it?"

"Sure. Look, when you're a teacher like me who stays with the same bunch of students grade by grade… well, when I call my students 'my little ponies', I mean it."

Scootaloo beamed.

"But, if I may change the subject…" Cheerilee leaned in toward Scootaloo conspiratorially. "I've been working every day to perfect my mastery of the Mecha you gave me. I'm getting very close to being able to fly. And just yesterday, I made myself breakfast—eggs, toast, hay and potatoes—using only levitation. I know you feel guilty about creating it, and that you won't be distributing it to anypony else, but I can safely say it's the greatest gift I've ever received. So… thank you."

Sweetie Belle walked by and sat down on the ground glumly. "Hey," she muttered.

"Oh, Sweetie Belle," Cheerilee said happily, "there you are. I wanted to ask you about this 'special rehearsal' you wanted me to come to. What's that about?"

Sweetie Belle didn't answer.

"Well," Scootaloo said, "it's funny you should ask that now—for your portrayal of Azalea Hyacinth, we want you wearing your Mecha. The special rehearsal is for you to practice your cues and effects in private."

"Oh," Cheerilee said with dawning comprehension.

"Yeah, that was our whole scheme," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "It's why I cast you as Azalea, it's why you were our test subject. The plan was to use your performance to unveil Crusaders Mecha and give it to the world, but now… after what happened, we'll just paint the Mecha to match your coat, and how we got an earth pony to look like an immortal will just be one of the great mysteries of our time."

"We don't have to paint your Mecha," Scootaloo added hastily. "We have other sets."

"Lots of other sets," Sweetie said sadly.

"Are you okay, Sweetie Belle?" Cheerilee asked.

"I'm not sure if the play will work now," Sweetie Belle sighed. "Featherweight broke up with me."

"Oh, boy," Scootaloo grumbled.

"You and Featherweight were dating?" Cheerilee demanded.

Sweetie Belle nodded.

Cheerilee sighed. "Every year," she muttered under her breath. "Every year, every play, the leads just can't keep their hooves off each other, and then they break up before opening night, it's like clockwork…"

"I don't know if I can act with a guy who's just broken my heart," Sweetie said glumly.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Spike rushed toward them and skidded to a stop in their midst. "Do you need a new Prince Coináge? I do a great Prince Coináge."

Sweetie Belle frowned. "Prince Coináge can't be a dragon. It'd confuse the audience."

"I'm pretty sure Princess Coraletta isn't supposed to be thirteen," Spike said pointedly. "It's a school play. I'm glad realism is a priority, but… well, you gotta take what you can get."

Sweetie Belle glanced around, then ushered Spike away to speak to him privately. "Look, Spike, just because I dropped you a few compliments doesn't mean things aren't still awkward between us. They are, Spike. Acting with you would be really weird."

"Weirder than acting with the guy who just dumped you?" Spike pressed. "Come on. Look, you saw me in the Canterlot pageant last year. I can project, I have a great singing voice. Face it: you can't hear a word that androgynous twit says. He'll leave the audience bored half to death."

Sweetie Belle scowled. "Spike, if you want me to like you, don't insult him. I still think of him as my boyfriend."

"I'm sorry," he said instantly, looking at the ground. "I… I wasn't thinking. You're right. Please don't hold it against me."

He looked back up at her plaintively, and she scowled again. "Spike, I'm trying to get mad at you, and you're making it really difficult."

"Sorry," he said, grinning.

"Listen, Spike, I'm gonna try to sort things out with Featherweight," she said. "…With the play, I mean, not our relationship. If we can't make it work, I'll let you know. I'd be glad to give things a shot… with you. I do think we'd be good together. Again, still talking about the play."

"Okay," Spike said. "Thanks for talking to me again, Sweetie Belle."

"Don't read too much into it," she pleaded.

He nodded. "Okay."

Applejack scanned the crowd, finally finding Apple Bloom alone at a table. "There y'are, AB," she said. "How're ya feelin'?"

"'M okay," Apple Bloom said. "Don't like wearin' a dress much…"

"Yeah, me neither," Applejack said. "Look… I get the feelin' I know what you're upset about."

"Ya do?" she said hopefully.

"I might," Applejack said. "And… well… I dunno." She kissed her sister on the cheek. "I hate to see ya so glum at your own party. I've prepared somethin' that I think might cheer you up."

Apple Bloom shrugged. "Okay. Go for it."

"Attagirl. Ahem… if I could have everypony's attention, please! Over here? Thanks, y'all…"

Applejack stood on the edge of the courtyard. The music stopped, the conversation died down, and all eyes turned to her.

"I'd like to thank y'all for comin'," Applejack said. "Today, my sister makes that big ol' transformation into a mare, and I couldn't be happier to see so many ponies here to usher her along. Now, I know this wasn't on any schedule, but it just so happens that at the last minute, I found some really great entertainment that just might blow y'all's mind! So, fillies and gentlecolts, put your hooves to the ground for some truly exceptional ponies. May I present to you… these two huge guys I met when I was out clubbin'."

"WHOOO!" Pinkie shrieked, stomping her hooves wildly. "TWO HUGE GUYS! YEAHHHH!"

A stone wall rose out of the street behind Applejack, then shattered instantly as Iron Throne and Earthwalker jumped through it, landing on the ground with a mighty THUD, and standing tall in their full armor and helmets; Earthwalker's had horns that swept straight out to the sides, as well as a row of spikes running down the middle.

"Greetings, my little ponies," Iron Throne growled pleasantly. "I am Iron Throne. I and my blood brother Earthwalker are warriors from the frozen north. Tell me, ordinary and humdrum ponies of Equestria… do we impress?"

"We hoped," Earthwalker added, "that for the amusement and edification of this party, we might perform a few feats of strength and discipline learned in our homeland. Shall we?"

"Be my guest," Applejack said, bowing and backing away from them.

"Engage in your alchemy, brother," Iron Throne rumbled.

Earthwalker rubbed his front hooves together, then slammed them into the ground. A pillar of stone rose out of the courtyard floor.

"After you, brother," Earthwalker said, bowing.

"As you wish," Iron Throne said. "You displease me, lifeless stone pillar. I bring you… DEATH!"

He spun, scraping the edges of his hooves across the ground, and struck the pillar with his hooves aflame. When the dust cleared, he was casually rested on the ground and a huge chunk was taken out of the pillar. Gasps spread through the courtyard.

"My turn, I think," Earthwalker said, getting up on his hind legs and rubbing his front hooves together over his head. "Allow me to set my hooves a-humming…"

He raised them, and they could be seen vibrating, an unearthly buzzing noise emitting from them. He slammed them into the pillar and a huge portion of it disintegrated.

"Oh my," he said, placing his hooves back on the ground. "I think one more ought to do it."

"Together, then," Iron Throne said, backing away.

They walked away from the pillar in opposite directions, then turned back around and charged at it together, lightning and burning ice flying from their hooves as they did so. They collided with the pillar in unison, breaking its weakened foundation. The upper half of the pillar toppled.

The partygoing ponies stared in awe then burst into stomps of applause.

"Ah, they love it!" Earthwalker declared. "They love us! What shall we smack next?"

"Mmm, I've had my fill of hitting things," Iron Throne growled. "Let's find something heavy to lift."

"Yes, yes, sounds good…" Earthwalker muttered, looking around. "Ahh… how about that?"

He pointed to a statue in the streets. It was of pure white marble, depicting a solemn and serious-faced macrauchenia, rearing up and draped in a peplos, facing perpendicular to the courtyard.

"Ah, Stellaris," Iron Throne said delightedly. "Queen of the Old Gods. I think she'd like a better view of this party, don't you?"

"You know, I think she would," Earthwalker agreed.

The two enormous stallions thundered over to the statue, inspecting it.

"Hrmm, she's on a square base," Iron Throne muttered thoughtfully. "We'll have to lift her up if we're to turn her."

"Shouldn't be a problem," Earthwalker said brightly.

They reached for the base of the statue, inserted into a square indentation in the street, and heaved. The statue came out of the ground ever so slightly, but they dropped it. They tried again, grunting ferociously, but failed to shift the statue.

"Well, that's unusual," Iron Throne commented.

"We need help," Earthwalker declared. He turned to the party. "HEY! Whose cuteceañera is this?"

All eyes turned to Apple Bloom, who stepped forward nervously in her little dress. "Um… mine," she said. "I'm Apple Bloom."

"Ah, very good," Earthwalker said. "Come here a minute and help us lift this, won't you?"

"Um…" Apple Bloom hesitantly glanced toward Applejack.

"Aw, just do what they say," Applejack whispered. "They've got a thing goin'."

Apple Bloom gulped and walked out into the street toward the statue.

"There you are," Earthwalker said. "Here, stand on the other side… face your guests."

She walked underneath the looming form of Stellaris and turned around, looking nervously at her eager friends and acquaintances from behind the statue.

The beams of light from Iron Throne's glowing yellow pupils turned upon Apple Bloom. "We know what you're going through, you know," he said in a deep whisper.

"What?" Apple Bloom whispered back in alarm.

"Oh, certainly," Earthwalker agreed softly. "We've seen that face before…"

"Once a filly, not a care in the world, except perhaps for the hope of learning what makes you special," Iron Throne rumbled. "Now you've gained precious insight into yourself, and gaudy pieces of artwork have appeared upon your hips, and suddenly you're expected to be a mare… a burden you didn't anticipate." He leaned in closer to her as he struggled to lift the edges of the statue. "Have I got that right?" he whispered.

"I… I don't…"

"Well, we're here to tell you, it's simply not true," said Earthwalker. "You have all the time in the world to figure out how to follow your cutie mark. There's no rush. You still have time to be a filly for as long as you need to. Take your time. Live your life. Find yourself. And when the time comes that you've grown, when you've truly found your voice and what you were destined for… well, I hope that I and Iron Throne can be there to bask in your glory."

"This is your cuteceañera, child," Iron Throne said. "Everything shall stay the same for you, and yet everything has changed… because now, you know where you're going. It's a powerful feeling, and you can be powerful. You are helping us lift this, aren't you?"

"Oh," Apple Bloom said in surprise. "Um… yeah." She started pulling, and to her surprise, the statue of Stellaris actually started to rise. She stared in alarm at Iron Throne.

He smiled. "Heh… what did I just tell you you can be?"

"Powerful?"

"Say it," Iron Throne growled with a smirk. "So everypony can hear you."

"I can be powerful," Apple Bloom said, raising her voice.

"No, silly filly," Earthwalker chided. "You are powerful."

"I am powerful!" Apple Bloom declared.

"You are strong of mind and soul!" Iron Throne said sharply.

"Yeah, I am!" Apple Bloom yelled.

"Reach deep within yourself—you are mighty!" Earthwalker urged.

"I AM MIGHTY!" Apple Bloom bellowed, yanking the statue out of its base.

The crowd gasped as Iron Throne, Earthwalker, and Apple Bloom held the statue up above their heads.

"Oh ho ho, magnificent," Earthwalker chuckled.

"We're not done yet," Iron Throne stated. "Rotate…" They began turning the statue. "That's right, gently… very good, Apple Bloom. Now let's set Queen Stellaris down nice and easy… on my mark… now!"

Stellaris was now looking straight at the party. Apple Bloom withdrew and the two huge earth ponies dropped the rotated statue back into its square. Apple Bloom bolted through Stellaris' legs and back toward the party.

"WHOOOO!" she screamed, wide-eyed and legs pumping. "THAT WAS AWESOME! What have I been thinkin'? This is my party, and I am gonna make sure we all have THE ROCKINEST GOOD TIME WE EVER HAAAAAAD! YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

The music started again. Apple Bloom's fellow Crusaders joined her in a giddy dance.

"That was quite the performance," Earthwalker muttered. "Who'd have ever guessed that Iron Throne is good with kids?"

"Eh heh heh heh heh," Iron Throne chuckled. His laugh sounded as villainous as every word he said.

Pinkie gasped at the sight of Twilight covertly attempting to sneak into the party. Pinkie accosted her at the border of the courtyard. "Twilight Translucence Sparkle! Where have you been? You didn't show up for dinner last night. And the ponies at the hotel said you never showed up the day before that. You've had us all worried sick! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Twilight blinked. "First of all, 'Translucence'?"

"Yeah. It's your middle name, isn't it?"

"Ah… no."

"Oh, maybe I was thinking of something else," Pinkie muttered. "Was it 'Chagrin'?"

Twilight sighed. "I don't have a middle name, Pinkie."

"None?" Pinkie said disdainfully. "Huh. How boring are your folks?"

"Extremely," Twilight said, grinning. "But I think the point you were making was that nopony's seen me for two days. I'm really sorry I made everypony worry. But I'm fine. I've been spending time with Joe."

"The Donutopia guy?" Pinkie said, intrigued. "Aw, I like him. He's nice."

"He's very nice," Twilight agreed.

"So, what have you been doing with him?" Pinkie asked, poking her.

"I… don't know if I want to tell you that…"

"Oh. Okay."

Twilight tilted her head at Pinkie's lack of resistance. "Well… if you want to know…"

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me," Pinkie said.

"Well, do you really want to know?"

"Do you really wanna tell me?"

"Okay, yes I do," Twilight admitted. "You see, Pinkie… Joe and I… are… friends with benefits."

"Oh," Pinkie said. "That's neat… like, when you hang out you get medical insurance?"

"That's r—no!" Twilight exclaimed.

"No? Then what, homeowner's? Like if there's a fire or a flood?"

"No, Pinkie."

Pinkie bit her lip and pondered. "…Dental?"

"You know what, I'll explain later," Twilight said. "I prefer to save the details for when we're together, all six of us. And besides, there are children here. Let's let it drop for a bit, Pinkie." She started trotting into the party.

Realization dawned on Pinkie's face. "Ohhhh, friends with benefits!"

"Can you keep your voice down?" Twilight hissed.

"If I could, I would."

Applejack watched as Earthwalker and Iron Throne set their helmets down on a table. Iron Throne took a seat, while Earthwalker headed for the buffet table. Applejack made a beeline for Iron Throne.

"Hey… buckaroo," she said through a broad smile.

He blinked at her. "My name's not 'buckaroo'."

"Sure it is, partner."

Iron Throne smirked. "Hmph."

"Anyway," Applejack said casually, "thanks for doin' this for my sister. I mean it."

Iron Throne nodded to her wordlessly.

"So, Iron Throne," she said, sitting in a chair and leaning closely toward him, "you married?"

"Yes," he rumbled.

Damn, Applejack thought, suppressing the urge to say it out loud.

"Oh, don't look so disappointed, lovely Applejack," Iron Throne said, amused. "She's at home, and I'm going to be on this Bazaar for five years. I expect no fidelity from her, and she'd be a fool to expect it from me." He leaned toward her, his lips parted slightly.

"Whoa, whoa," Applejack exclaimed, recoiling. "I am definitely not into that. You got a wife."

"Yes, but—"

"If you think she won't be faithful, well, be the bigger pony, dude," Applejack snapped. "And… and if you don't want her to be unfaithful, then write to her. Let her know that you're thinkin' about her. Keep love alive, Iron Throne. Come on!" She bonked him on the head.

He winced, his ears flattening, then leaned back and sighed. "You're right, of course. You are well-versed in the ways of love."

"Aw, no I'm not," Applejack muttered. "Well, thanks again. It was a fun idea. Very inspiring."

He nodded to her again, and she stood up to walk to the center of the party. Rainbow Dash came up to her, smirking. "Were you just putting the moves on Iron Throne?"

"Yeah," Applejack said sadly. "Tried to ask out Earthwalker the other night, too. But they're both taken. Of course they are. How could they not be?"

"You amaze me," Rainbow laughed, shaking her head.

"I'm no expert," Applejack went on, "but hoo, they are hot stuff. Give me some feelings in some places like you wouldn't believe."

"Yeah, I, uh, I noticed," Rainbow said dryly. "I don't know a whole lot of ponies with a thing for barbarians, but hey, whatever floats your boat."

"So, hey," Applejack said softly. "You said we'd go out and… you know. Get some. When can we do that?"

"Oh, I don't know. Whenever you want."

"Yee-haw!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

Yes, the queen of the Old Gods is a macrauchenia who wears a peplos. Don't know what either of those things are? Look 'em up, bitchez.

You may have caught an allusion to one of the other items in the holy trinity of "kids' crap with unexpectedly huge fanbases of adults". Friendship Is Magic is obviously the most loved and best known, but the brony army is always backed up by the loyal soldiers of Monster High and WordGirl. Holy trinity. Very blessed.