Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Every fandom has its One True Pairing. For this fandom, it's Lyra and Bon Bon… for some reason. Considering how "all over the place" this fic is, I'd be doing the fandom a disservice if I didn't throw it in. I started thinking about how I could put a small twist on it, mostly with a couple of "what if?" questions… and it hit me.

What if they're perfect for each other… because they're a pair of obnoxious twits whom nopony else can stand?

Setting up that concept is just phase one. There's more, but for now, let's see how that premise works out…

Chapter Forty-Three

Twilight came down the stairs, a paperback book and a series of note cards floating at her side. In the lobby, she had set up a grandiose wooden table surrounded by huge comfortable armchairs, but found only three ponies waiting for her. She sat at the head of the table, with Rainbow Dash immediately to her right and Lyra and Bon Bon at the other end.

"Is this all of us?" Twilight asked. "Where is everypony?"

"Well, I hear that Derpy is ditching club to plan her wedding," Lyra jabbered.

"Pfft, what a total waste of time," Bon Bon drawled sleepily.

"Ha, I know," Lyra giggled. "And Blossomforth, she's with some amateur film director auditioning for a role in, I don't know, a Snowdrop biopic or something."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "By 'amateur director' I assume you're talking about Princess Luna?"

"You saying she's not an amateur?" Bon Bon sneered. "We've been in showbiz all our lives, but she's done a whole lot of nothin' for a thousand years and suddenly thinks she's gonna make the greatest movie of all time? She's like a conceited child."

"Hey," Twilight barked. "Show a little respect for the princess, who co-rules this country, where you live."

"Just because she's a princess doesn't mean she can do stuff," Lyra said brightly. "She's gonna get hit by reality pretty quick, just watch."

Twilight huffed. "Anyway… so it's just you two and Rainbow Dash for this month's book club? Well, let's get this over with." She spread her front hooves invitingly. "Hit me with your absurd interpretations that make the author roll over in her grave."

"Hey, hey now," Rainbow said calmly. "First, I resent your lumping my style of reading with theirs. Just because I respond actively instead of passively like you—you know, there is such a thing as subtext."

"Did I say roll over in her grave? I meant rise from the grave and impale herself through the head with a spear again."

"Ha ha ha, no," Rainbow said sternly. "Listen, Twi, in the interest of your own betterment: if you're going to start a book club, and host it, and lead all the discussions with your own pre-selected discussion questions"—she tapped Twilight's stack of index cards—"well, then don't get mad at everypony when their interpretation doesn't match up perfectly with yours. You're not the author either, you know."

"I don't do any such th—yes I do," Twilight admitted. "You're right, I'll try to be more aware of it from now on."

"Well that was easy," Lyra said. "Can we make a suggestion for Twilight's betterment?"

"No," Rainbow said sternly, pointing a hoof at Lyra viciously.

"No," Twilight agreed, amused.

Rainbow leaned toward Twilight. "So, what were your discussion questions, then?"

"Well," Twilight said, "I noticed, and even reread the book to make absolutely sure, that there are no male characters in the story at all. Why do you think that is?"

"Breath of fresh air, maybe?" Rainbow said, shrugging. "I found it ambitious. Bold for the time period, all these steamy romances but not a guy in sight…"

Twilight frowned. "There's no romance in this book…"

"Well, not on the surface—plausible deniability and all that. But a lot of these fillies' friendships get a bit too friendly if you care to read between the lines. Here, let me show you…" Rainbow opened her copy of the book and flipped through, looking for an appropriate passage to show Twilight.

"You ain't exactly breakin' new ground there, chief," Bon Bon said dryly.

"Well, Twilight's interested," Rainbow said tersely.

"Yeah, she is," Lyra noted, eyeing Twilight. "We were surprised when you suggested it. I mean, this is the book that they say has turned generations of schoolfillies into depraved lesbians."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "This I gotta hear."

"Remember I mentioned their style of reading?" said Rainbow. "That'll be that they read an analysis of the book instead of, you know, the book."

"Well, excuse us for having lives," Lyra retorted. "But we have read this book. Bon Bon and I discovered it in high school and still use various passages to get ourselves in the mood." She leaned against Bon Bon tenderly.

Bon Bon started stroking Lyra's mane, but kept her eyes on Twilight. "So you were oblivious, huh? To the entire point of the whole damn book? Shame, I guess we're the only ones in this book club to really appreciate some tender and innocent girl-on-girl."

"Hey now, I can appreciate it," Rainbow Dash objected.

"Yeah?" Bon Bon scoffed. "How so?"

"Um, hello? I'm bisexual."

"No you're not," Bon Bon said dismissively. "You just say you are 'cause it's trendy."

Twilight gaped, turning her head to gauge Rainbow's reaction, and seeing her nostrils flare furiously. "Whoa…" she muttered.

"EXCUSE ME?" Rainbow bellowed, overturning the table and shoving her face into those of the unfazed couple. "Did you seriously just say that?"

"Well, come on," Lyra said pleasantly. "You're always insisting all smug-like that you 'play for both teams' but we've never seen any evidence of that. You only ever get with stallions. I'd say you're over-asserting yourself."

"Is that what you think? Well what about you?" Rainbow snarled, sticking her hoof in Bon Bon's face. "You can't last five seconds in a conversation without launching into 'Take my wife, please!' It's like, we get it. You're a chick and you have a wife. It's been legal for four hundred years, you're not shocking anyone."

Lyra turned to stare indignantly at Bon Bon. "Really? Wife jokes?"

"Funny thing," Bon Bon said casually, "they used to just be roommate jokes, but you change one word and they're suddenly a million times funnier."

"I don't tell wife jokes," Lyra muttered.

"Of course not. There's nothing funny about me."

Rainbow flew back to sit next to Twilight, still seething.

"Rainbow, is that true?" Twilight asked. "You've only ever been with stallions?"

"Well, not by design," Rainbow said pitifully. "It just happens. Whenever I finally bag somepony, yeah, it ends up being a dude, but… I still go for… you know, I've tried to… point being, I may not have had any success, but I'm absolutely equally attracted to mares and stallions. Go into my head, and then come back out, and tell me I'm wrong."

Twilight turned to glare at Lyra and Bon Bon. "So let me get this straight, you're making her assert her sexuality because of her lack of success with the same sex?"

"You gotta admit, it's an interesting commentary on evolving social norms," Lyra said cheerfully.

"…No it isn't, it's just mean," Twilight retorted.

"Well, actually, it's sort of true," Rainbow said under her breath.

"No," Twilight said firmly. "No, I think our society is 'evolved' enough that a pony's sexuality is whatever she damn well says it is. There should be no doubt, or mockery, of Rainbow's claims, ladies."

Lyra and Bon Bon glanced at each other.

"I think we're done here," Lyra said, getting up.

"Yeah, we'll see you in a month," Bon Bon drawled.

The two of them strolled out the door, slamming it behind them.

Twilight sighed. "I guess we've gotta coordinate with the other club members now, pick the next book. Any suggestions? Besides the one I know you're thinking of right now?"

Rainbow laughed. "What, I'm that predictable now?"

"Always have been, actually. You were going to suggest some smutty, trashy romance. Or any one of the many stupid novels that my mom writes. Or one of the smutty, trashy romance novels that my mom writes."

"Caught me," Rainbow said, whipping out another paperback. "I picked up her newest at the train station."

"Of course you did," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "Where the hell else would you get my mother's books?"

Rainbow started reading the back of the book. "'Award-winning novelist Twilight Velvet brings us yet another another sensual and erotic romp—'"

"I don't have to listen to this," Twilight grumbled.

"Come on, look at the wild originality of the cover alone," Rainbow said, displaying it to her. "See, she's a naïve schoolteacher in a filmy white dress, and he's a wild and savage buffalo."

"I can see that. Shut up."

"Admit it, you think I'm funny," Rainbow taunted.

"N… no," Twilight said tightly.

"Then why are you smiling?"

"Just—pffhahahaha! Just get that stupid book out of my face!"

"Nya-ha-ha!"

The two of them started rolling around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

You know what the best thing is about writing Part Two thus far? Returning Twilight to her roots as the "only sane pony". I hope you guys are having as much fun as I am!