Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter Forty

Rainbow Dash blew into Sugarcube Corner, a cold blast of wind following her until she managed to get the door shut.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "Nice cloak."

Rainbow's cloak was almost black, and so thick and hairy it could almost have been made of fur. It had a hood, which Rainbow threw back, and a silver clasp shaped like a howling wolf, which Rainbow snapped off as she hung the cloak on a hook.

"Thanks, it was my dad's," she said. "He used to work weather way up north… they don't give you the cloaks up there, you gotta make your own. That baby's one of a kind. I'd say Celestia smiled on me to make sure I got home before Skipp found it. Hey, Pinkie!"

"Yeah?" Pinkie called back.

"Get me a cappuccino, hot and sweet," Rainbow called.

"Comin' up!"

"So how's the weather lookin'?" Applejack asked, checking the window.

"Pretty miserable," Rainbow said. "Don't tell anypony, keep it under your hats, but my sources tell me that… you know. Winter is coming."

"Of course," Twilight said, grinning.

"So, as always, beware of white walkers from the north, and the last dragon leading in her army from across the eastern sea, all that jazz," Rainbow finished.

"The scary part is, both of those things are almost plausible," Twilight muttered.

Pinkie perked up from her usual spot behind the counter. "Whoa… something smells delicious!" she said, entranced. "That is so spicy and savory… Did I spend hours on an incredibly complex dish, put it in the oven, and then forget about it completely, like I did that one time?" She stepped out into the main area with Rainbow's cappuccino. "That was so silly… but no, no, it's definitely coming from out here. That is amazing. Are those fajitas?"

"Oh," Rainbow said with sudden realization, taking the cup. "That's, uh, probably me. Just a little scent I spritzed on this morning. Something new I'm trying."

Twilight raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You're wearing perfume? You?"

"Eh, more of a cologne, really," Rainbow said earnestly. "Since I got it in the stallion's section and all…"

Twilight sniffed. "And… what scent is it?"

"Fajita."

"Ha! Nailed it," Pinkie said triumphantly.

"You're wearing fajita cologne?" Twilight demanded.

"Hey, listen, it's a damn fine idea," Rainbow insisted. "Stay with me here: Scent is the basest, most primal of senses, right? And a lot of ponies know that, hence wearing perfume to bring in the stallions. But perfumes that are all scented like herbs and flowers and fruits—that's no good. Stallions don't care about that stuff. They couldn't give a damn about those kinds of smells. You know what stallions think smells good? Fajitas."

Pinkie gaped in awe. "That… that is profound!"

"Thanks," Rainbow said smugly.

Twilight blinked uncertainly. "I never knew that attracting stallions was a priority for you, Rainbow."

Rainbow shrugged. "It's not a big priority. Just somethin' to do. I have another ten months until I can apply to the Wonderbolts again, so I'm killing time."

"Ah," Twilight said with a smile. "Well, best of luck! I hope you gain something worthwhile."

"And if I don't, at least I've already made a valuable contribution to your study," Rainbow added.

"What, the part about guys liking fajitas?" Applejack said, smirking.

"Yeah," Rainbow said enthusiastically. "Write that down, Twilight."

Twilight snorted. "What do you mean, write it down?"

"I mean write it down!" Rainbow insisted. "Send it to the Princess."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I… I can't do that."

"What's so hard about this?" Rainbow demanded. "Just write, Dear Princess Celestia, guys like fajitas. That's it. You don't even have to sign it. Come on, she'll get a big kick out of it."

"Somehow, I don't think that merits a report," Twilight said dryly. "But maybe I'll stick it in as an addendum to my next real report. But no promises."

"No promises, huh?" Rainbow grumbled. "Not worth a real report, huh? You suck. It's friggin' groundbreaking, is what it is. Just you wait, they'll be all over me. And none of them will be able to figure out why they like me so much. Applejack knows what I'm talking about, that's why she always smells like beer and cigarettes: those are the dietary staples of the guys she dates."

Applejack chuckled. "Ah, another hillbilly joke, and here's poor ol' me with no pie to throw at you to complete our beloved running gag."

"Yup," Rainbow said, leaning back in a chair smugly. "No pie here. I made absolutely sure of that before I delivered my line."

"That's tough," Applejack said pleasantly. "If I can't throw a pie, I guess I'll just have to kick you in the head."

"Wait, what?"

THUNK.

"Ow! Mother… gah!" Rainbow pressed her own hooves against the side of her face in anguish.

"Heh heh heh."

The door chimes rang again, followed by the whoosh of the wind, as Derpy staggered into Sugarcube Corner with her mailbag.

"Morning, everypony!" she said, surprisingly chipper given her frazzled appearance. "Aw, it must be my lucky day—Rainbow Dash and Applejack right here. You guys'll take your mail right here, right? So I don't have to do my whole loop in this weather?"

"Erm…" Rainbow said thoughtfully. "Actually, you caught me in a pretty bad mood, so no, I'm gonna have to ask you to go all the way to my house. Sorry!"

Derpy stared pitifully.

"Ah, I'm screwin' with ya," Rainbow said, ruffling Derpy's mane.

Derpy laughed hysterically. "Oh, thanks, Rainbow Dash… you know, I've become a real happy and lucky pony as of late. Sure, I never really had any problems, but now things are just really looking up more than ever before, and getting better and better every day!"

Twilight fought the urge to enviously grind her teeth and said, "Is that so? What's going on with you?"

Derpy looked at Rainbow, Applejack, and Pinkie, as if expecting one of them to answer on her behalf. "None of you guys knew?" she said in surprise. "I'm getting married!"

Rainbow raised her head in surprise. "Really?" she said skeptically in an overly loud voice. "You're getting married?" She stared at Derpy for a second. "Derpy's getting married?" she finished softly.

"Yeah," Derpy said. "Hasn't anypony gotten the invitations?" She frowned. "Did the post office lose them?"

"Derpy, you are the post office," Twilight reminded her gently.

"Oh, right!" said Derpy, brightening. "Of course I am… tee hee. I know exactly where I put all the invitations. Still at the office. Gotta start bringin' 'em around tomorrow, I guess." She passed out the mail to each of the four ponies, still giggling to herself. "Sometimes, I look in the mirror and ask myself, 'Derpy, why you gotta be so blond?'"

Applejack barked out a laugh, and Rainbow gave her an odd look. "Well, it's… sorta true," Applejack said, smirking and tugging at her own blond mane.

"I hope all you girls can make it," Derpy said anxiously. "And… and Rarity and Fluttershy too, of course. You six are the best crew ever! I wish you were my crew. You make every occasion just a little more… magical."

Twilight blushed. "Aw, Derpy, that's so sweet. Of course we'll all be there."

"Count on it, Miss Derpy!" Pinkie said, jumping up and down eagerly.

"Ohhh, that's so good to know!" Derpy said, matching Pinkie hop for hop. "I… ugh… I guess I gotta go back out there. The mail ain't gonna deliver itself… although that's a good idea, somepony should look into it. But that wind—whoo! No fun at all."

She jogged in place, steeling herself against the anticipated cold, then spotted the black cloak on the coat-hook. "Ooh, Rainbow… can I borrow your dad's cloak?"

Rainbow blinked slowly. "Erm… I kinda need it, Derpy. I'm the one who's gotta go out there and make all that nasty wind."

"Oh," Derpy said softly. "Of… of course." She tilted her head suddenly. "Wow… Rainbow, you smell good."

Rainbow didn't respond, and Derpy glumly walked back outside. Applejack quickly turned on Rainbow. "What was that for, Dash?"

"I need my cloak," Rainbow said innocently.

"You denied it to her outta spite," Applejack countered. "Spite written all over your face."

"You did kind of give her the cold shoulder, Rainbow," said Twilight.

Rainbow sneered. "She's getting married. Derpy is getting married. I never got a date in my life, but Derpy of all ponies has found somepony who's willing to settle down for a lifetime of… of Derpyness. There's no justice in the whole damn cosmos."

Applejack shook her head incredulously. "Well, I'll be damned. Of all the ponies to develop a 'can't live without a stallion in her life' mindset, you're the last one I'd ever expect."

"Well, you can keep not expecting it, because I didn't say that and I'm not going to say that," Rainbow said through gritted teeth. "Just… making an observation."

Twilight frowned in confusion. "Rainbow, you've… you've never had a date?"

"Well, you know…" Rainbow mused. "I'm outgoing and tend to decide pretty quick what I want, so I've asked out a lot of ponies in my time. They all agreed. They all set the time and place with me. They all acted like they meant it. But then I'd get there… and I'd wait… and they'd never show up. Every single pony I ever tried to date, they never came. So, no… I've never had a date."

"But… you always talk like you're so experienced," Twilight protested.

"Oh, I'm experienced," Rainbow said, chuckling darkly. "Because after my dates don't show up, I hit the bars to get away from the crushing depression. As it turns out, ponies who want to have sex with me are a lot easier to find than the ones who want to date me."

Twilight slumped, depressed at the very notion. "Gosh, Rainbow… I'm sorry."

"Hey, you know, you get used to it," Rainbow said, shrugging. "I get the feeling my luck's about to turn, and my luck's initials are 'fajita cologne'."

"Um, Rainbow…" said Twilight. "Look, maybe your plan to spend your time looking for stallions isn't the best course of action for you."

"Doesn't have to be stallions," Rainbow said dispassionately. "I never really had much of a gender preference, in theory."

"Nevertheless."

"Look, I told you, it's just to pass the time," said Rainbow.

"Well, my first impression of your method for 'passing the time' is that it's turning you into a little bit of a basket case," Twilight said evenly. "Lashing out at Derpy like that… that was seriously uncalled for. Look, we're all on a slippery slope after the events of the past couple days, maybe you should pursue an interest that's… less stressful, overall."

Rainbow sighed. "All right, maybe you're right. For arguments' sake, what kind of interests might we be talking about?"

Twilight shrugged. "I'm sure we could think up something. Here…" She produced a small scroll. "Here's a list of the hobbies I've decided to take up. Maybe you'll find some inspiration there."

Rainbow Dash looked down the list. "Uh-huh," she muttered. "All solid ideas…" She looked up at Twilight and raised an eyebrow. "Autoerotica?"

"Give me thaaaaat!" Twilight snatched the list back.

Rainbow cackled. "That's a hobby now? Who knew?"

"That wasn't supposed to be on there," Twilight grumbled, shoving the list back into her saddlebag. "Spike must've put that in there just to mess with me."

"Did he have any particular reason to think that you might possibly be…?"

"No," Twilight retorted. "He just put it there 'cause he's a complete and total punk, that's all."

"Uh-huh."