Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter Thirty-Three

Crazyface prowled between apple trees, making his way silently toward the farmhouse. He took a deep breath in preparation, grinned in anticipation, and knocked on the door.

Apple Bloom came to the door. "Mr. Crazyface," she said in surprise.

"Hello, Apple Bloom," he said kindly. "My friends and I are leaving town today for some life-changing business ventures… and we won't be coming back."

"Oh," Apple Bloom said blankly. "Sweetie Belle will be so disappointed."

"Sweetie? Yes, I won't finish what she and I started… I regret that," Crazyface mused. "But I came here to say goodbye to you, personally."

"To me?" Apple Bloom said, getting more and more bewildered.

"Of course. Would you honor me by taking a walk with me through your orchards?"

"O… kay," Apple Bloom said, shrugging. "Yeah, let's go."

They walked together out into the fields of apple trees. Crazyface ran his eyes up and down Apple Bloom's body, taking in every detail. When she turned to him, he averted his eyes.

"So, you really came all the way out here just to see me?" she said.

"Of course, Apple Bloom. I've always considered you a close friend."

"…Huh," Apple Bloom said dully. "Odd."

She continued walking, as Crazyface stood still, irritated at her reaction.

"Well, that went off the rails pretty quick," he muttered, glancing in the general direction of Canterlot. "I'm running out of time. It's been so long, I can't even think straight. Agh, I hate to resort to outright molestation, but… eh, screw it, after today no accusation against me will ever stand. I'm going for it."

He stepped forward toward her, a hungry look in his eyes—but was stopped by a speeding arrow cutting across his path and burying itself deeply into an apple tree.

Crazyface and Apple Bloom turned in surprise to the arrow's source, and saw Granny Smith standing there with an enormous crossbow, already loading another arrow and winding it up.

"That was a warnin' shot," Granny said darkly. "I ain't missed with this thing since I was two. Take another step toward my gran'daughter, and the next arrow gets you in the brain."

"Granny, what the hay—?" Apple Bloom demanded.

"Oh, your granny is quite right about me," Crazyface said smugly. "The truth is, I came here for your body." He turned to Granny Smith. "So, you've noticed that I like working with young fillies a bit too much, eh? It's funny, isn't it—how I can be so flagrantly flirtatious with Cheerilee, and yet everypony still thinks I'm safe to be around kids? Somehow, being a complete lech with grown mares throws ponies off the scent…"

"Not me," Granny hissed. "I had my eye on you and yer two shady friends from the beginnin'."

"Aw, you should have said something sooner," Crazyface said, beaming. "You might have saved Ponyville a great deal of heartbreak."

He lunged at Granny Smith with insane speed. She shot at him, but he crossed his wings in front of his face and the arrow bounced off. He tackled the old mare, knocking her to the ground and pounding her face and chest with his front hooves… over and over and over again. For minutes on end, he gleefully beat her nearly to death, ignoring the frantic, anguished pleas of Apple Bloom, whom he carefully batted away with one of his wings every time she tried to approach.

Eventually, he tired of his ruthless beating and extended a wing, and with unnaturally razor-sharp feathers, sliced Granny Smith's throat.

"NOOO!" Apple Bloom shrieked. "NO, NO, NO! GRANNY!"

Crazyface pinched Apple Bloom's cheeks together with the primary feathers of one wing, silencing her despite her struggles. "Do you know why I decided to masquerade as a children's entertainer?" he said. "Besides the obvious, I mean," he added, wagging his eyebrows at her. "Take a look at this."

He produced a scroll, with three stars painted on it, one blue, one red, and one yellow. "This is the cutie mark that represents caring for children in their formative years. Uncanny, isn't it?" He held the picture against his own cutie mark; while the stars on the paper were cutesy, blunted, and chubby, the wavy and spiky stars on Crazyface's flank looked eerie and sinister by comparison.

"My destiny is a bit different, you see," he hissed. "My purpose is destruction… disintegration, defacement, annihilation! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!"

He took to the air and started swooping around the orchard, using his wings to effortlessly chop down trees by the dozen. Apple trees toppled left and right, and Apple Bloom could only shiver as they fell around her, while Granny Smith lay bleeding beside her.

"And while I'm not much for destroying ponies' bodies…" Crazyface mused as he swooped in on Apple Bloom and pinned her, by her neck, against a tree. "I'm all about breaking your soul."

He licked his lips. "Mm-mm-mm. You know, normally, VB would come by afterwards to wipe your memory… so you'd be completely dead inside for the rest of your life, but have no idea why. Which is, you know, hilarious. And yet, I can't help but think about my legacy… and this is a good place to start. I'm glad you're going to remember every little detail of what I'm about to do to you…"

"CRAZYFACE!" a voice screamed. "WE GOT A PROBLEM!"

Skippmud galloped through the orchards, looking terrified as the shadow of Rainbow Dash dropped down upon her.

Rainbow grabbed Skippmud around the midsection, then deliberately let her go. Skippmud ran only a few feet before Rainbow caught her again and flung her against a tree.

She waited until Skippmud got to her feet and tried to run away again, then darted toward her and blasted off into the air with the earth pony held between her hooves. She tossed Skippmud up into the air, then caught her neatly.

"You know, cats have the right idea," Rainbow mused. "One moment, please."

She dropped Skippmud and dove toward Crazyface, tackling him. Apple Bloom tumbled to the ground, gasping for breath.

Rainbow and Crazyface parted, hovering just off the ground as they stared each other down.

"Blast my soul, I am so turned on right now," Crazyface said, laughing hysterically. "You don't wanna mess with me!"

He lunged at Rainbow, who dodged him easily. He continued uncontrollably on his trajectory, frantically attempting to turn around. He snarled and leapt at her again, once again too fast to control himself when she easily stepped aside.

"You got Thread too," Rainbow observed. "But you don't know how to control your newfound strength and speed, 'cause you never practiced. See what I'm saying? There's no shortcut to being awesome."

She picked up Crazyface and slammed his body onto Skippmud's, driving both of them to the ground. She flew a few laps around the pair of them, then stood atop a tree stump. When they stood up, she glared at them harshly.

"Make a move, either one of ya," Rainbow challenged. "Any move at all. Give me a reason to take you down again."

"You had to come all the way out here and boink the farm filly," Skippmud grumbled to Crazyface in annoyance.

"Excuse me," Crazyface said patiently, "I thought that we were partners who tolerate each other's quirks."

"Obviously," Skippmud said. "I just thought you fancied Sweetie Belle. Would've been easier. At least she lives in town."

"Ah, yes, she was my first choice, but she's far too sophisticated to succumb to my techniques in just one day," Crazyface said dreamily. "We're on a time limit, so I went with the simple country bumpkin."

"Good plan. And yet, we ended up here somehow."

"You're lucky," Apple Bloom sneered, walking unsteadily toward Crazyface. "If you'd gone after Sweetie Belle and hurt her, I'd have to massacre you… instead of just plain killin' you like I'm gonna do right now for Granny Smith…"

"Easy there, AB." Rainbow Dash rushed to Apple Bloom's side and held out a wing to block her path, never taking her harsh glare off the two villains. "As much as I hate to undercut a little filly who's getting all badass, and as much as I realize this is your fight… it's a very real fight. Somepony's going to get seriously maimed, and I can't let that happen to you. So make yourself useful in another way, like getting your granny to someplace safe."

Apple Bloom turned to glance at Granny Smith, who was unconscious and struggling for breath. "Okay," she said softly.

Rainbow started circling Skippmud and Crazyface, keeping them corralled, every once in a while lashing out at them with a fierce blow to their chests. The two of them attempted to rush off in different directions, but Rainbow caught them both and tossed them back into the few square feet where she had corralled them in the space of less than a second.

"Rainbow Dash!"

Twilight and Venni galloped through the orchard toward the high-speed skirmish. Rainbow turned her head for a single second. Crazyface saw his opening to pick up Skippmud and take to the air.

"No!" Rainbow snapped. She chased after them.

Crazyface started spinning like a top, his wings inflicting cuts all over Rainbow's body. He kicked her and flew off. Rainbow tried to pursue, but was blown back when Crazyface broke the sound barrier. No rainbow followed him, though; only a trail of dust.

Rainbow flapped her wings to steady herself. "How much Thread has he got?" she wondered. "That's just… unstable…" She considered following the dust trail, but quickly decided against it. "Granny," she reminded herself, rushing back to the decimated part of the orchard.

Venni and Twilight looked up at the trail of dust, their eyes going all the way to the end, where Crazyface was merely a speck in the distance.

"They're headed for Canterlot!" Twilight realized.

"Well, that's different," Venni muttered. "They're staying in Ponyville, but their target is in Canterlot. I don't get it, they've been doing things the exact same way for a decade. Why change things now? Something's up, and I mean way up…"

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"Well, that was too close," Crazyface muttered, still on the wing. "Is VB already in Canterlot? I hope?"

"Yep," Skippmud confirmed, dangling beneath him. "Said he's got a new ace up his sleeve."

"A better ace than Golden Thread? That's hard to believe."

"Well, we'll have to see."

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Princess Luna walked down a hallway in the lower portions of the castle. To her surprise, she found a door open, which led to a room made of stone—a room whose floor ended at its halfway point, dropping down a ledge into another, darker room. A single royal guard stood at the ledge.

"Hail, sirrah," Luna said to the guard.

"Ah, Princess Luna," the young unicorn said. He removed his helmet in respect. "It's nearly noon, princess. Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Do not concern thyself. What goeth on here?"

She joined him on the ledge. In the lower portion of the room, two other royal guards stood, their eyes trained firmly on far exit, which was nothing more than a shoddy, black hole in the wall.

"There have been noises coming from below," the guard explained darkly.

"Noises?"

"Yes, for several hours. They grow louder as time goes by. Listen."

Luna listened carefully, and heard it: a deep WHOOSH, like a pair of enormous wings flapping, set off by a flurry of thinner whooshes; many pairs of rapidly-beating smaller wings.

"What could that be?" Luna wondered.

"I don't know, milady."

"Is this the location I think't is?" Luna said suddenly.

"Probably, Your Majesty. This is the entrance to the old crystal mines, where Princess Cadance and Twilight Sparkle were imprisoned by the changeling queen."

Luna furrowed her brow. "This cannot be good. Permit me to stand guard with thee."

"As you wish, Princess."

They stood, staring, for a few more minutes, as the whooshing grew progressively louder, then suddenly stopped.

One of the two guards at the entrance, a troublesome fellow who usually wore a studded-leather jerkin in lieu of his Royal Guard uniform, suddenly cried out and brought a hoof to his head.

The scarred and grizzled veteran beside him turned to him in concern. "Are you all right there, brother?" he said in his soft brogue.

"I… I think I just got a concussion," the pained guard said uneasily.

"What? How?"

"I don't… I don't know…"

"How do you feel?" the elder asked.

"Sleepy," he said simply, before passing out abruptly.

The elder guard frowned, confused. "What could have… agh… ohhh!" He dropped to his knees. "My head… augh… AAAARRRRGHHH!" He unleashed one bloodcurdling scream after another. "EEEAAAARRRGGHHH! AAAUUUGHH!"

He, too, fainted. Luna and the one remaining guard glanced at each other, then in unison jumped down to the lower part of the room and headed toward the deep hole.

"What evil is this?" Luna whispered.

"I don't…" the guard began. He drifted off, then shook his head rapidly. "I don't know, Princess. I'm…" His voice faded again.

"Has something happened?" Luna asked.

"Noises in my head," the guard whispered. "Voices… strange and disturbing voices that won't go away…" He jumped upon her and stared into her face with wild eyes. "Princess, make the voices go away!" he shrieked in blind panic.

Luna tapped him with her horn, and he abruptly fell asleep.

A voice echoed from deep within the mine, a male voice giving a darkly amused chuckle.

Calmly, Luna levitated all three of the unconscious guards and placed them in the upper portion of the room. "Sleep well, warriors. May thy dreams not be as disturbed as what led thee to sleep."

She turned to the mine entrance and stood as tall and proud as only true royalty can. "I am Luna, princess of the night!" she announced in a reverberating voice. "Declare thyself!"

The voice stopped chuckling and sighed, speaking in a resigned tone. "The name's Vorpal Blade," it said.

The black-furred, white-maned, and white-eyed pony who had been calling himself Snicker-Snack burst out of the darkness and landed on the stony ground… then proceeded to fold his many artificial wings.

Four of the wings, one on each of his ankles, were made of shiny, reflective metal, and folded to wrap around his legs. Another two were made of warm brown wood, and were placed on his hips just above his cutie mark.

Where a true pegasus's wings would be located, he only had a left wing. This seventh wing was made of pale blue slate, and was larger than any real wing, including those of Celestia.

As he folded his seven wings, it became apparent that he also had seven horns; in addition to his own, two wooden ones were set just above his eyes; two dark and steely horns jutted out of his cheeks, pointing to the sides; the one set on the bridge of his nose was made of gold, and the last one, made of swirling white and black marble, hung from his chin like a spiky beard.

"But let's keep the introductions short," Vorpal Blade finished.

"Ay," Luna agreed. In less than a second, she had summoned a flurry of stormclouds that hung ominously from the ceiling. The clouds thundered and rained, and Luna shot a chain of midnight-blue lightning from her horn at the invader.

As the bolt neared Vorpal Blade, it split into seven pieces, and he began carefully absorbing the lightning into each of his horns; his magic aura and hers were almost the exact same color. Luna stopped her attack and glared harshly.

Vorpal Blade grinned and shot a single, gigantic lightning bolt into Luna's chest. Her legs buckled, and she collapsed.

She opened her eyes, seeing nothing but his winged hooves approaching.

"I'm here to ransack the castle, as was foretold by the prophecy," he said softly. "I was just biding my time until I got the power to harm as well as heal… again, as was foretold by the prophecy. It's a whole… thing. Goodnight, Princess Luna."

He stomped on her head with enough force to crack the floor. Her dazed, unfocused eyes watched as he flew over her and into the castle. She reached for him weakly, but couldn't stop herself from joining the three guards in deep, forced unconsciousness.

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Endnotes

And this is why, when asked if Snicker-Snack is a villain, I never actually said "No". No, really, I didn't. Let's go back.

When asked, "Did he just read her mind? Can he do anything else immoral?" All I said was, "No, he can't read minds." Which is totally true, he can't. But I neglected to say that, yeah, he's been known to do immoral things. And when I said I would reveal where Snicker-Snack stood in the villainous plot, you said, "Did you just say that Snicker-Snack is evil?" all I said was, "I didn't say that."

Don't look at me like that. I could have just said outright, "No, Snicker-Snack is not a villain", and later claimed that that was true because Snicker-Snack is just an alias used by Vorpal Blade. I'm an evil word-twisting foreshadower, but not that evil.