Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Random thought of the evening: Most writers and creators in this day and age are quite aware of fanfiction. And yet, I've never heard of one who embraced or appreciated it. At best, they tolerate it, while others are openly anti-fanfiction, like George R. R. Martin and Ursula LeGuin.

I can't understand that mentality. How can an author not like fanfiction? If they don't crave attention, why do they write novels in the first place? If, as they claim, their characters are like their children, why do they make their characters' lives suck so much? Lookin' at you, Mr. Martin. Seriously, if your characters are your children, I think you'd want to hand them off to someone who might give them a happier world in which to live… or maybe it was LeGuin who said the children thing, in which case, that's acceptable. Hell, I don't remember.

Me, I dream of the day that there's fanfiction of the trash I write. Sure, there are other ways to measure success. If they turned my comic book into a TV series, then I'd probably be successful. If they turned my movie trilogy into a Lego set, then I'm hugely successful. But if I didn't have a boatload of fanfiction, I'd never know if I was appreciated. I want that, baby! Sure, all my good-looking bad guys and less-good-looking good guys would immediately switch sides and there wouldn't be a heterosexual in sight. And, if my characters weren't human, they would be. And, lest I forget, they'd all be in high school. Such is the world in which we live, I can deal with the fact that such stereotypes about fandom are 90-percent true. But the other 10? Worth dying for, baby.

In the same vein, anti-fanfiction exists in the community of fanfiction itself. To wit: "Original Character, Do Not Steal". The hell? First of all, nobody wants to steal someone else's OC. But let's say your OC is engaging enough that someone does want to use them. Most people are inherently decent, so they'd probably ask you first. And even if they didn't… Would you not be flattered? I repeat, do you not crave attention?

What I'm saying here is, steal away. In fact, I'm straight up begging: please, won't someone get all up in my business and steal my OCs, in the name of all that is holy! Why not, it'll probably be a better story than this one.

Chapter Thirty-One

It was a cold and cloudy morning in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash lay on her side on the rim of a fountain, sighing occasionally.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"

She looked up. Scootaloo was approaching her by air, bobbing and weaving back and forth as her wings beat furiously.

"Ahoy there, Cap'n Swervy!" Rainbow said half-heartedly, raising a hoof in greeting before laying her head back down on the stone.

"Heh heh, yeah," Scootaloo said sheepishly, dropping down. "It's just, I woke up this morning with these…" She spread her wings; though still underdeveloped, they were a good deal larger than they had been mere days before.

"Nice!" Rainbow commented.

"Yup!" she chirped. "So I thought I'd take 'em out for a test run, see if I could fly without Golden Thread…"

Rarity raised her eyebrows, impressed. "Smart kid!"

"Really?"

"Smarter than me," Rainbow said. "You know what Golden Thread is? It's a shortcut to greatness. But there are no shortcuts to greatness." She stroked Scootaloo's mane. "I'm only just realizing that. You're looking at the pony who inspired the Cutie Mark Crusaders' club charter. I hope you've noticed that your charter hasn't exactly worked out? Me, I have a lot of raw talent, always have. But the only reason I'm the best is that I love what I do, and I practice every single day. You Crusaders, you can't hop around from topic to topic, you gotta find the passion, and then pursue it to the exclusion of all else. But you, you already know that. You wanna fly, and you're gonna work to fly. You figured it out way before I did."

Scootaloo nodded. "We're trying, Rainbow Dash. We're still not too clear on what our passions are."

"You'll figure it out," Rainbow said, looking up at the gray sky.

"Are you okay?" Scootaloo asked.

"I'm fine," Rainbow mumbled. "You know how it is, middle of autumn, gotta bring in the clouds so the frosts can come in, everypony gets a little mopey this time of year."

"Yeah, but not you," Scootaloo said. "You love the cold. You always say it's bracing, and it makes you feel alive."

"Hmm… I do say that, don't I?"

"Yeah," Scootaloo said, frowning. "But… you don't exactly look 'alive' right now."

Rainbow shrugged.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Scootaloo said hopefully.

"Eh… you could fetch me a boyfriend."

"Done!"

Scootaloo zipped away. Rainbow lifted her head and looked around, but the filly was completely out of sight. "I wasn't… I wasn't serious, kid. Cripes," Rainbow muttered, rolling her eyes in amusement. She leaned back and closed her eyes.

After a few minutes, a voice said, "Um… pardon me, ma'am?"

Rainbow looked up, into the face of a dull brown stallion. Is that… yeah, it's the guy who fixes all the clocks, she thought. What's his name? Doctor something? But doctor what?

"Hey," Rainbow said, puzzled.

"Um… yeah, hi. Um… this is a little awkward. I was wondering if…" He turned his head to the side, where Scootaloo was hiding in the bushes. She glared at him sternly, and he swallowed and looked back at Rainbow Dash.

"Would you like to go out sometime?" he forced out.

Rainbow laughed. "Kid works fast, doesn't she? Sorry about her. You're free to go."

He ran off. Scootaloo hopped back over to Rainbow. "Pretty good, huh? Maybe I can get my cutie mark in seduction! Just gotta practice a bit more, that's all. HEY, SNIPS!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Rainbow said hurriedly, jumping up to restrain Scootaloo. "I… don't think that's the best idea."

Scootaloo shrugged. "Okay. Are you sure I can't help you?"

"Hey, you got me to stand up," Rainbow said. "That's progress, isn't it? Wasn't doing myself much good just lying there. I… think I'll head home. Nice talking to you, Scoot."

"Yeah," Scootaloo said uncertainly. "Okay. See you later, Rainbow Dash. Hope you feel better."

"Me too, kid. Me too."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Skippmud looked up and marveled at Rainbow Dash's luxurious cloud house.

"All right," she said to herself. She jogged in place for a moment. "You've got this, Skipp." She lifted a hoof, making sure her single earring, with its gaudy and lusterless opal, was in place. "Let's do it."

She crouched down, and took an impossibly huge leap toward the house. She sailed through the air for a few brief moments, finally landing on the doorstep. She tensed up, but didn't sink through the cloud.

"There we go, there we go," she assured herself, pushing her way through the front door. "Ah, just look at all this… is this what you get on a weather supervisor's salary?" She began ruffling through Rainbow's possessions, tossing a few select items in a sack—an antique lantern, a series of ornamental plates, a gigantic and ornately carved picture frame… she had to break out the poster-sized photograph of Rainbow Dash and her five friends, but after that, the frame was collapsible and easily fit in her sack.

"Yeah, come to mama," Skippmud whispered. "Not bad, Commander Hair Dye, you've got a good taste in art… look at all this craftsmanship and beauty, I can't get enough… Yes sir, every little bit helps."

"Hey."

Skippmud whirled. Rainbow Dash stood there, staring expectantly.

"Whatcha doin', Skipp?" Rainbow said pleasantly.

Skippmud scowled. "Thought you'd be out moping for a while longer."

"I got over myself," Rainbow said flatly. "But let's talk about you…"

"Me? Oh, I'm just burgling your place," Skippmud said, jingling the sack. "A little something to pay off my student loans."

"Ah, there it is," Rainbow said, smirking. "I was wondering where that joke went. So you took it…"

"Anyway, I'll just… be on my way," Skippmud said, beaming. "I'm ditching this town and moving on to bigger and better things, so, yeah, you won't be seeing your possessions again anytime soon."

"Hmm, robbing me blind and being really friendly about it," Rainbow said dryly. "You're just a veritable wellspring of lawyer jokes, aren't you?"

Skippmud bared her teeth. "Yeah, you love lawyer jokes, don't you? Well, here's one you'll love. Check it…"

She flung her sack aside and jumped upon Rainbow Dash, pinning her to the floor and pressing a hoof hard against her throat.

"This lawyer is crushing your worthless pegasus windpipe," she growled. "Isn't that funny? You're not laughing… WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?"

Rainbow strained and struggled, making frantic wheezing noises. In seconds, she stopped fighting and went limp, her head hitting the cloud floor beneath her.

Skippmud stepped away. "That's right. Heh heh heh… eh heh heh heh heh heh… damn, I love doing that."

She turned around to retrieve her loot. Rainbow opened her eyes and jumped up, tackling Skippmud and grappling with her.

Rainbow elbowed Skippmud in the face multiple times. Skippmud responded by flipping Rainbow over her head and pounding her into the ground, then delivering a ferocious blow to Rainbow's diaphragm—the strength behind the kick was impossibly strong, and left a bleeding bruise on Rainbow's midsection.

Skippmud kicked Rainbow into the air and smashed her straight through a wall. Rainbow struggled to her hooves, one leg and one wing gnarled.

"Heh heh…" Rainbow said in a frail, raspy voice, the injuries to her throat and diaphragm taking their toll. "You couldn't take the two seconds to stop and make sure I was actually dead? Worst. Murderer. Ever." She coughed and hacked. "Why would you kill me, Skippmud?"

Skippmud shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Go ahead, stay alive, tell all your friends, see if I care. You're just my first target. When my friends and I have the crown jewels, nopony will stand in our way. Especially you. 'Cause let me tell you, the Elements of Harmony? Pfft—useless trinkets, not gonna stand a chance."

"Crown… jewels?" Rainbow forced out.

"Yeah, Equestria's ancient and powerful crown jewels."

"Equestria has crown jewels?"

Skippmud rolled her eyes. "Look, just be patient and wait for our 'master plan'. The jewels will be prominently featured. Anyway, your voice isn't sounding too good. You may want to save your breath for when you have something important to say." She saluted. "Later."

As Skippmud turned her back on Rainbow Dash a second time, Rainbow inhaled deeply and called upon her last reserves of strength to bellow, "TAAAANK! NEED YOU! BURGLAR!"

Skippmud turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Tank? What—"

The propeller-bearing tortoise dropped through the ceiling and rammed his body against Skippmud's head. He swung around and smashed his shell against the left side of her face, then the right side. As she stumbled around in a daze, he rose up to above her head and abruptly turned his propeller off, dropping upon the top of her head with a resounding thud.

Skippmud collapsed and Rainbow limped toward her prone form. Tank started up his mechanism again, and floated beside Rainbow.

"Don't ever change, bro," Rainbow said, holding up a hoof. Tank tapped it with one of his stumpy feet.

"So," Rainbow said, pushing up on Skippmud's chin to look her in the eye. "Let's have a conversation, you and me. I've got a couple of questions. Let's open with, how'd you get into my house? I have my suspicions as to how you managed to jump that high… same reason you were able to hit me that hard, I think, and if I'm right, I am gonna make you pay so hard… but more important…" She gave in to another coughing fit. "Let's talk about how you, an earth pony, are walking on my custom-made cirrostratus floor. Any chance it's this conspicuously magical-looking earring that I've never seen you wear before?"

She gripped one half of the earring in her teeth, then pulled it out with her hoof. Skippmud looked horrified for a moment, then dropped through the floor, pulling her sack along with her.

"Yeah, it was the earring," Rainbow said smugly to herself. She bolted out of her front door and dove toward the ground beneath the shadow of her house.

She could clearly see the dent in the ground where Skippmud had landed, but the mare was already gone.

"Hmm, speedy recovery," Rainbow said thoughtfully. "Let's see, where'd you go…" She inspected the ground, carefully examining Skippmud's strangely deep hoofprints.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Golden Thread horseshoes… now you're really in for it…"

She rose into the air and shouted in the direction of Skippmud's trail, completely ignoring the pain in her throat. "Running away, are you? That's cute, that you think you can get away from me. Even with my bad wing and your fancy magic horseshoes—which, by the way, I designed—you can't outpace me. Nopony can." She lowered her voice and grinned devilishly. "I'm Rainbow Dash, bitch."

She jetted off in pursuit.