Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter Twenty-Four

Rarity was sewing a luxurious blue dress with an overly long train, while Sweetie Belle hopped around the room, jabbering about… something. Rarity realized she had no idea, that she had starting tuning her sister out a while ago.

"And then we raced through the flowers and the orchards, and as the sun went down we started dancing…"

"I'm sorry Sweetie, I think I just zoned out just a second ago," Rarity lied. "What were you talking about, again?"

"Featherweight," Sweetie Belle said. When Rarity clearly didn't know what that meant, she exclaimed, "My boyfriend!"

"Boyfriend?" Rarity mused, returning to her sewing. "You can't have a boyfriend… you're, what, eight years old?"

Sweetie Belle gaped in absolute shock. "Rarity, I'm thirteen!"

"I know," Rarity grumbled. "I was teasing you. You should think about relaxing a little. So, your boyfriend Featherweight. What's his story, what's he all about?"

"Well, he's gangly and awkward and super-duper cute," Sweetie Belle gushed. "He runs the school newspaper, and we're playing the romantic leads in the play. Everypony says he's going to ruin the whole thing… they say he's too quiet and he can't act, but… but, well, erm… he's cute, what more do you want?"

"Okay, good," Rarity said, amused.

Sweetie Belle scowled. "You actually thought I was eight, didn't you?"

"Believe whatever you want," said Rarity, still smirking.

"I was hoping you could, um, give me a bit of help…" Sweetie Belle said quietly.

Rarity looked up. "Oh?"

"Well, I think I might have a potential problem," Sweetie Belle said. "Or… actually, I definitely have a problem, something that's been bothering me for a while."

"Is that so?" Rarity said. "Well, tell me all about it, little sister. How might I help?"

"It's Spike," Sweetie Belle said.

Rarity's eyes widened. "Spike?"

"Yeah," Sweetie Belle said, rolling her eyes. "It's just, for weeks now he's been sending me all these love notes and flirting with me… it's kind of ridiculous, and it's starting to wig me out…"

"WHAAAAT?"

"I know, right? I wouldn't even mention it, except I'm afraid it might scare Featherweight away if he ever finds out…"

"No, no, you were quite right to mention it," Rarity said, her face hardening into a dead serious mask of fury as she stepped around her sewing table. "I'm going to go track down that dragon and chew him out thoroughly for this affront."

"R… really?" Sweetie Belle said. "Wow, I was just hoping you'd tell me how I should deal with him…"

"No, no," Rarity said. "I'll deal with him."

Rarity coldly stalked out of Carousel Boutiques; Sweetie Belle followed her, intrigued.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"SPIKE!"

Rarity kicked down the library doors. Twilight looked up from her desk in surprise, and Spike, standing in front of the open fridge, whirled around, as the white unicorn stormed through the lobby. Sweetie Belle was tagging along, still looking curious and excited.

"Rarity, what's going on?" Twilight demanded.

"Nothing that concerns you, Twilight," Rarity said. "I would have words with Spike."

Twilight blinked. "…So now Spike is a Thor villain?"

"And I'm the righteous avenging power of thunder on a stick, yes," Rarity said. "Spike, Sweetie Belle has brought it to my attention that you've been harassing her as of late."

"Harassing?" Spike demanded. He turned to Sweetie Belle, his face wounded. "All the adoration I've been heaping on you, and you call it harassment?"

"What else would I call it, Spike?" Sweetie Belle said quietly. "Haven't you noticed how much it bothers me? Can't you please stop?"

"Well… yeah," Spike admitted. "I've noticed your reaction has been… less than cordial. I just want to prove that I care about you, Sweetie Belle."

"You've proven it, now quit it," Sweetie Belle muttered.

"I'm highly disappointed, Spike," Rarity said. "I mean, I thought that what you and I had was special."

"That's r—wait, WHAT?" Sweetie Belle demanded. "Rarity! I thought you were coming here to defend me, not… not…"

Rarity ignored her sister. "Well, Spike?" she said.

"WHAT THE HAY, RARITY?" Sweetie Belle shrieked, her voice cracking.

"Yeah, Rarity," Spike said with disbelief. "What the flingin'-flangin' hay? Do we have a relationship that I don't know about?"

"I just… we were…" Rarity stammered. "I thought it was understood that… that I was your girl."

"Understood by who?" Spike said. "You couldn't have told me about this earlier? Like, back when I cared? Before I decided to quit you and move on with my damn life?"

"Spikey-wikey…" Rarity pleaded.

"Rarity… no," Spike said. "I've been trying to make sure that everything I do now, I do for Sweetie Belle."

"Gaaaaah, don't, Spike," Sweetie Belle said, flinching. "That's creepy."

"I'm sorry," Spike said. "I just… I don't know! I'm just a dragon with a heart full of love and caring, and I want to direct all of that positive energy somewhere. Why not toward a special filly?"

Rarity's face softened. "Oh…"

"Could you… could you possibly channel that energy toward something else?" Sweetie Belle said irritably.

"I don't know, like what?" Spike said.

"Just… pick something," Sweetie Belle said. "I mean, I have a boyfriend, Spike. Take a minute and imagine what'd happen if he found out what you've been saying to me."

"Fine, fine," Spike said. "You can do whatever you like, just because I have feelings for you, I'm not asking you to feel anything in return. I just want to be your guardian dragon."

"My what now?"

Spike bowed down solemnly. "Zecora told me once that some young dragons who live out in the wild become guardians… they choose a place or an individual that's sacred to them, and they make an oath to protect it all of their days." He stood up. "I mean, when she said it, it rhymed, but you get the idea."

"Please tell me you haven't already made the oath," Sweetie Belle said in horror.

"Well, no… I've been trying to warm you up to the idea," Spike admitted. "Hasn't really worked out…"

"Spike," Rarity gasped, lunging forward and dropping flat on her belly to get to below Spike's eye level. "I'll accept your guardianship, if you'd be willing. Swear your oath to protect me! It'll be everything you ever wanted!"

"No it won't, Rarity," Spike said glumly. "I've spent a long time sorting through all the feelings and sensations I've been getting… I just can't see myself with you anymore, Rarity. I can't swear any oath of guardianship if it's not on Sweetie Belle. That's the only thing that seems right. Except that… that…"

"Except that it seems completely wrong?" Sweetie Belle said softly.

Twilight backed away from her desk. "Can I interject?"

"Yes, please do!" Rarity exclaimed. "We're in the middle of a serious friendship crisis, and you're the expert on that subject. We need you to interject."

"That's true, Rarity," Twilight said, putting on a saddlebag and levitating several books into it. "I am indeed a pony who is currently dedicating her life to the study of the chaotic, unpredictable, terrible and beautiful forces of friendship and love. And as such, I can only say… that this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I can't listen to it for another second."

She finished packing her bag and started trotting out the door. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to read up on real relationship problems," she said condescendingly, "and I'll be doing so at a different location, preferably someplace quiet." Without looking at the other three, she lifted a hoof in salute. "Peace out."

The door swung shut behind Twilight with a tone of finality.

"That was… actually rather helpful," Rarity muttered. "We're all being absolute idiots. Or at least I'm being an idiot… I'm an adult, ostensibly, and I should know better. And Sweetie Belle is being… well, an ungrateful brat-faced harpy, actually." Rarity glared at her sister. "Which is so unlike you, I should probably take you to Snicker-Snack so he can look you over and tell me what kind of horrific brain parasite you're sporting. But Spike… you're not being stupid at all. You are… absolutely golden. Don't change a thing, my sweet guardian dragon."

He beamed. "I wasn't planning to."

Sweetie Belle shot a glance at Rarity. "Listen, Spike…"

"No, you listen," Spike said. "I will be an honor-bound guardian dragon. Can't you see how I will do anything for you? Anything you ask at all?"

"Okay, what if I asked you to stay away from me?"

"…Except for that."

"Ugh, Spike!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Why can't things go back to the way they were before? Where we were friends but you weren't obsessed with me? I actually used to sorta like you, now… now, you're just… ugh. You know? Let's go back to the old times… like when we danced together at the wedding, it was just simple fun and nopony tried to declare eternal love to anypony."

"Well, that dance is what started it all, Sweetie Belle," Spike said, pained.

Sweetie Belle sighed and looked at Spike solemnly. "Then I wish I hadn't done it. In fact, I wish I'd never even given you a second glance, 'cause I guess that's all it takes to turn you into… this." She gnawed on her lip for a moment. "I'm… I'm leaving, Spike. Don't follow me. Please?"

She departed. Anguished, Spike curled up in a little ball right there on the carpet.

Rarity walked up to him and ruffled his spikes. "I'm so sorry, Spike…"

He sniffled. "What am I even doing?"

"You're giving your entire self to the one you love," Rarity said, stroking him with her hoof. "And not even caring what you get in return. Sweetie Belle can't see it, but I for one think you're being very heroic. Generosity isn't about gifts or sharing… it's about sacrifice. That's what you're exemplifying… and I couldn't be more proud of you if you were my own colt."

"That means a lot, Rarity," he said. "I… I just… I'm full to the brim, full to bursting, with love and caring, and… and… and…" He stood up and raised his claws, grasping for the correct word. When he found it, he sat back down, and gave it as a barely-whispered peep: "Affection."

Rarity nodded silently.

"Affection," he said again. He reached out with one of this claws and interlaced it with the other. "You know?"

He feels he's been reduced to holding hands with himself, Rarity realized. Tears dripped from her eyes.

"Spike, why…?"

"I want to accomplish something!" Spike snarled, standing up and kicking the ground. "Fifteen years of living, and what do I have to show for it?"

"A great deal, Spike," Rarity insisted. "Just by existing, every day, as a good friend to many ponies, you accomplish more than any dragon could dream of. And fifteen years is nothing, Spike. How long do dragons live? Five thousand years? Ten thousand? Nopony knows for sure. You needn't be in any hurry."

"I don't want to wait ten thousand years to get crap done!" Spike exclaimed. "I want to achieve things now! This, my life and who I am right now, can't be all I'm capable of, it just can't. I've given away as much affection as I could… to my olive tree—she's beautiful, Rarity, you should see her. And to Peewee… look at this…"

Spike held out a claw. An orb of red fire appeared, and exploded, revealing a fully-grown and magnificently plumed phoenix nearly twice Spike's height, standing weightlessly on his wrist.

Rarity gasped. "That's not Peewee, is it?"

"Yep," Spike said. "Turned out he wasn't malnourished; that's just how phoenixes make the transition into adulthood. Have you ever seen anything so majestic in all your life?" He scratched the bird under its chin, and Peewee cooed and nuzzled him. "But even with my pet and my plant, there's still so much freaking unused love inside me, it's making me insane… I need a special pony. That's the only thing that can fill the big gaping hole in my life."

Rarity tapped a hoof against her teeth. "Plant, pet, pony. That's beautiful. Isn't it from a book?"

"Yes," Spike said, pleased that she had realized this.

"A book whose central theme is sex addiction, if I'm not mistaken," Rarity said, frowning at him. "Hmph, maybe Twilight's right about your choice of reading material. What other kind of books are you preparing to read?"

"Does the phrase 'grimdark as buck' mean anything to you?"

"Oy vey. There's only been one book in all of history to receive that rating… tread carefully, Spikey-wikey."

Spike laughed mildly, and Peewee made a warbling noise which was probably laughter as well.

Rarity lifted a hoof and caressed Spike's face. "Sweetie Belle is a fool, a blind fool. I'll do what I can to make her come around… but she's her own pony, as are we all. Only she can truly sway herself."

Spike blinked away tears and smiled. "You'll really try? Like… talk me up, and stuff?"

"If that's what it takes, yes," Rarity whispered.

"Listen, Rarity, I'm sorry, I… I had no idea you, you know, actually…"

"Shh, don't apologize, Spike. I'm the one who's sorry. You were going to move on with your life, seek somepony who would truly appreciate you. Me, I sought to keep you under my charms until I could decide whether or not you were worthy… so who's more mature, who's more noble?" She smirked. "Sometimes I wonder whether I bear the Element of Generosity only because I was… available."

"Rarity?" Spike said, tilting his head in confusion.

She smiled and nuzzled him with her nose. "You're not the only one who was… changed… by a dance at the royal wedding. …I should go, I have work to do. See you later, Spike, and best of luck."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

Something that may have raised an eyebrow: I've just established the Crusaders' age as 13, Spike's as 15. You may say, that's a bit old. You may ask, is this just some lame way to backpedal and explain why I have them behaving with varying degrees of newly-found "maturity" not seen in the show?

Well, yes, that's totally what it is, but it's something else as well. Think about it: the first thing to run through all of our minds during the episode that explained cutie marks was, "Oh, that's totally not a metaphor for puberty or anything like that". So I've always seen the Crusaders as being in their pre- to early teens. Specifically, I'm establishing that seasons 1 and 2 actually took place over the course of two years—they were 11 when they founded the Crusaders, and are 13 now. Going from 11 to 13 is a pretty big jump, so I think it perfectly justifies the personality shifts—Apple Bloom's insight and Sweetie Belle's boy obsession would, in-universe, have come about quite abruptly.

Another note: think about the fact that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle both have adult sisters. Applejack and Rarity have got to be in their 20s, which means 13 is actually the youngest I can make the Crusaders while keeping their family situation mildly plausible. It's still a stretch, that both pairs of sisters are so far apart.

Of course, all of the above is said with the assumption that ponies age at the same rate as humans do. A dangerous assumption to make, and probably foolish, when you look at the development shown by such characters as Pipsqueak (implied to be under a year old) and the Cake twins (toddlers despite the explicitly-stated age of a month). But screw it, I'm crassly ignoring those. Tee hee. Come on, it's easier to pretend the aging process is equivalent to ours. Back me up on this.

As for Spike, I just put him down as being ten years younger than Twilight. (Twilight is usually depicted as the youngest of the Mane Six, and since they all got their cutie marks on the same day, she did so a bit prematurely—and that, of course, was the day Spike was born) And here's my take on the draconic aging process: he is, in fact, the equivalent of a 15-year-old human (or pony). The guys he hung out with in "Dragon Quest"? Not teenagers, but basically frat boys. In their 20s, officially adults ready to enter whatever passes for "society" among dragons. Regarding the small size of these guys, I've always been an advocate of one simple-but-awesome concept, used in a great deal of stories that feature dragons: that all dragons, regardless of age, are still growing. So if Spike is said to be a baby dragon, that's an assumption based on his relative size. If he needs a lot of naps and such, that's because he's growing… as are all dragons, which is why all dragons sleep a lot.

Then again there's the birthday episode, which throws any "draconic aging process" ideas completely out of whack. But, meh.

So, hope you enjoyed this completely arbitrary commentary on aspects of this, my fan-verse, that probably won't come into play, ever. Hey, I've already kicked season 3 to the curb, why shouldn't I completely disembowel the canon? Thanks for reading, folks.