Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter Twenty-Three

Skippmud strolled into the Golden Thread store, a large pickle on a stick dangling out of her mouth and a briefcase slung over her shoulder. She approached Gilda, who was restocking a shelf. Skippmud cleared her throat.

Gilda assumed a monstrous attack stance and hissed, "Helloooo, food-creature." She quickly straightened up, businesslike. "What can I do for ya, ma'am?"

"I'd like to talk to the proprietors," Skippmud said.

Gilda looked her over with suspicion, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay. That's me and my partner. Dash, come here a minute."

Rainbow Dash flew over, and Skippmud's lip thinned. "Oh… it's you."

"What does that mean, 'oh it's me'?" Rainbow scoffed. "What'd I ever do to you? We were having a perfectly normal and civil conversation when you went all lawyery on me."

Gilda looked down her beak at Skippmud. "A lawyer, are you?"

Skippmud nodded and set down her briefcase, taking a nibble on her pickle. "Skipper-of-the-Mud, attorney-at-law. You can call me Skippmud."

"That's pretty consonant-intensive, isn't it?" Rainbow Dash said. "How about we go shorter, call you Skipp?"

"When we've achieved a relationship of mutual adoration, sure you can call me Skipp," Skippmud said through a toothy smile. "For now, you'll be professional and call me Skippmud, mkay? So, you two are in charge?"

"Sure are," Gilda said, gripping Rainbow's shoulder with a talon. "Whatcha want?"

"I first started seeing Golden Thread back in Canterlot," Skippmud said. "Cool stuff. Now… I understand you've got no patent on this product, no legal representation at all. True?"

"Pretty much," Gilda said. "I don't like getting pond scum on my talons."

"BA-HAHAHAHA!" Rainbow cackled.

Skippmud glowered. "Okay, well… be that as it may, I thought I'd take it upon myself to advise you a bit. Anypony could take this stuff, replicate it, resell it. If you accept my legal counsel, I can prevent that."

"That so?" Gilda said. "And what would this cost us?"

"For you?" Skippmud said smugly. "Pennies, my friend. Pennies. I can protect your product from theft and it won't cost you a damn thing. The slightest attempt at forgery of Golden Thread will be met with my legal expertise. I'll slaughter 'em! And for such successful entrepreneurs as yourselves, my legal fee is but a pittance."

"Hmm, tempting," Gilda said. "And my partner and I are supposed to believe that we don't need to do anything for this? That you'll take care of all of it for us?"

"Well…" Skippmud said delicately. "It would be useful for security purposes, if you gave me all of the information you have on Golden Thread… like, say, how exactly you produce it, that would be useful in any given case…" She stared at Gilda expectantly, casually sucking on the tip of her pickle.

"That's what I thought," Gilda sneered. "You're just trying to satisfy your curiosity about my product. It's never gonna happen."

"Suit yourself," Skippmud said quietly. "But when the ponies come, and they will, who dissect your stuff and sell it as their own… when that happens, you'll get no legal support from me. You'll be taken down hard."

Gilda leaned in and snapped her beak in Skippmud's face. "Listen close, you greasy-haired pickle-eating bitch, 'cause I won't be repeating myself—what Golden Thread is and where it comes from is strictly between me, and the voices in my head, and my super-powered evil alter ego. There's not a single thing on heaven or earth that can take my secret away from me. No one and nothing will ever replicate it. It's safe, damn it. Completely—freaking—safe."

Skippmud eyed Rainbow Dash. "Her secret, is it? You don't know it either, then? Doesn't that bother you?"

"Hey, maybe it did at first," Dash admitted. "But let me explain… see, when Gilda first arrived in town with her Golden Thread, I was suspicious. We'd parted on pretty bad terms, and I wasn't so keen on giving her money just 'cause she asked. But then… she got me alone. She looked at her clawful of thread, and said, 'Dash, I need this… I need you'. That's when she really sold me, see… you just can't fake that kind of sincerity."

Rainbow looked at Gilda fondly. "As I've already explained to my friends, something's changed inside Gilda; something happened, I don't know what, that made selling Golden Thread with the help of friends the most important thing in the world to her… not financially, but on a personal level. And if she needs the support of a friend, I'll be the one to back her up on it. I will trust Gilda from Canterlot Castle all the way to the borders of Equestria… which, incidentally, is how far I can throw her."

"Oh, in your dreams," Gilda muttered, amused.

"So, yeah, sorry," Rainbow continued, smirking, "if supporting Gilda means not knowing the secret, I can live with that. Can you? You should, 'cause it's none of your business. Point of fact: the 'business' belongs to me and Gilda. Bam!"

"Yeah," Gilda said, pleased. "So unless you're gonna buy something, get out of our store or I'll be having grilled lawyer for lunch."

"Hay yeah!" Rainbow said, holding up a hoof. Gilda slapped it triumphantly.

Skippmud scowled, then turned and left the store without a word. Twilight and Snicker-Snack were waiting for her in the street.

"Hey," Twilight said sympathetically. "Sounds like that didn't go too well. I tried to tell you, the secret is kind of Gilda's… sore spot. We've all tried to get her to spill, but I'm starting to think she'll take it to her grave."

"And you still let that horse-eating barbarian handle your money, do you?" Skippmud sneered. "Your girl's lacking in common sense, Snick."

"Well, I brought Gilda's secrecy up to Rainbow Dash, and she told me—"

"Yeah, yeah, most important thing in the world. I heard."

"Well, it's good enough for me," Twilight said. "Dash is well aware of all the factors, but she's standing by her claim that Gilda can do no harm… so, the rest of us are behind her as well. And griffons don't eat horses! They're a highly civilized culture, actually."

"Yeah, as civilized as anything else that kills for every meal," Skippmud said darkly.

"Skipp," Snicker-Snack cautioned.

Skippmud sighed. "Well, I guess that's Skippmud: zero, pent-up frustration: a hundred and thirty-two." She started walking away. "All I want is to be somepony's lawyer, is that too much to ask? I mean, it's the one thing I'm good at…"

Snicker-Snack watched her go, then turned back to Twilight. "She's a good one… Skipp, I mean. Really, she is."

"I would never say she wasn't," Twilight said. "If she's your friend… it's good that you stick by her. That's what my life is all about, sticking by friends. And I admire it in you. But, um… about that…"

"That's right, you wanted to talk to me about my friends. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing really," Twilight muttered. "It's just… I'm a bit concerned about them."

He tilted his head. "Why's that?"

"It's like they're trying to take over Ponyville," Twilight whispered anxiously. "Crazyface is roping the entire town into what should have been a run-of-the-mill school play, and Skippmud is steadily making a mockery of our legal system… is there anything you can do?"

Snicker-Snack shrugged. "Well, I'll talk to them about it, but it's not like I'm the one in charge. I have no real control over them."

"Of course!" Twilight said hastily. "Nopony should be expected to control their friends, of course. I was just… concerned. I said that already, right?"

"Yeah," he said thoughtfully. "Okay, I'll take care of that, and… well, here, let me alleviate your concern, if I may."

His horn glowed with his deep blue magic, and a small white sphere sprouted from the horn's tip. The orb slowly floated toward Twilight, hovered in front of her face as if inspecting her, then entered her head through a spot between her eyes.

Twilight inhaled deeply. The tense muscles of her back suddenly slackened—she hadn't even realized how stiffly she had been walking until she was forced to suddenly relax. At the same time, all of her obligations, worries, and plans seemed to fade… they were still present, but somehow seemed less important. She looked at Snicker-Snack through eyes that she now had difficulty keeping open.

"What… what did you do?" she wondered.

"Just relieved some of the tension on your mind," he said. "You were carrying a lot of stress, here… and here." He lifted a hoof to gently rub two spots on her scalp. "You're sweating the small stuff, Twilight, and that can be very unhealthy. So many ponies have the mindset of little things being so important… wherever I go, I try to get ponies to see how good life could be if they looked at the big picture."

Twilight stumbled, her relaxed muscles having trouble holding up her weight. "So, that's what you do… with your gift."

"Yeah," he said. "How's it feel?"

She rested her head on his shoulder and looked up at him. "Like a boss!" she answered happily, giddy from the rush of calm thoughts.

He chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I'll still talk to the guys, of course. I just didn't want you to worry."

Still being supported by him, she blurted out, "Do you… do you want to meet my family?"

Snicker-Snack smiled. "Of course I do, my little pony."

She gasped and stepped away. "How… how did you know…? I always wanted a boyfriend who called me 'my little pony'…"

"You did?"

"Well, no," she admitted. "'Cause I never actually wanted a boyfriend until… recently… but if I did, I'd want him to call me 'my little pony'. But I didn't actually know that I wanted that until just now when you… uh, when you said it. I… damn it, I am a gigantic dork."

Snicker-Snack draped a foreleg across Twilight's shoulder. "Yeah, but you're my gigantic dork. Actually, as near as I can tell, you're a lot of ponies' dork."

"I'm what now?"

"You know… you're the dork mutually owned by many ponies," he said, laughing at his own complex rephrasing. "Me… How many years has it just been me and Crazyface and Skipp? Sometimes I feel like being their friend is more important than being 'me'… I'll grant you, their friendship is a wonderful gift. But you, and your circle of friends… man, that's extra-special." He grinned. "I'm… glad to be a part of it."

"It's good to have you," Twilight said. "All my friends are special to me… more special to me than me. And I know that's how they feel too."

Snicker-Snack nodded solemnly. "So… your family, huh?"

"Yeah, I'll get that set up."

"Cool… way cool."