Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Well, what do you know, it's been less than a month since the last update! Yay! That's surprising, because in the past not-quite-a-month, I've had an amazing surge of creativity: all day long, just constantly having new ideas out of nowhere. But I found the time to do this anyway!

Let me tell you: I didn't know when I got my new tape recorder that it holds 800 messages, twice as many as my old tape recorder. And it's a darn good thing that it does. I needed that space. I was putting ideas into the tape recorder at a much faster rate than I could possibly listen to them all and put them into my computer. I very nearly hit the limit, but I managed to burn through them. What a time to be me… feels good.

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Two

In a recording studio in the dead of night, DJ P0n-3 and Octavia worked diligently at a pair of electric keyboards, jotting down endless notes on strips of paper.

"Aw, listen to the way it soars!" DJ P0n-3 sighed, her head leaning back as she pressed on the keys. "Moments like tha' make a song, ahhh yeah. It's amazing 'ow many songwriters in this age 'ave forgotten tha'."

"I suppose that's what's special about us, sister," Octavia laughed breathily, ecstatic from the series of chords emanating from her own instrument. "We'll always know what makes a good song."

The DJ's lip thinned and she sighed, looking down at the floor. "All righ', tha's… tha's the las' straw, that is."

"Last straw?" Octavia inquired absently.

"Yeah… every time you call me 'sister', I die inside a li'l bit, and I fink I jus' died all the way wiv tha' last one."

Octavia stopped playing and stared ahead tightly. "Well, I'm sorry. That's how I see you."

"It's not 'ow I see you at all."

"I know. So you've told me."

Vinyl took off her shades and set them aside, giving Octavia a complete look at her doleful gaze. "I mean it, you know," she said softly. "I love you. I've always loved you, I always will love you, and I don't fink I'll ever love anypony else."

"Is now really the time, Vinyl?" Octavia said in exhaustion.

She shrugged. "You and me in our natural 'abitat, a recording studio, completely alone… what more appropriate time is there to, as they say, talk abou' us?"

"It's sweet, Vinyl, and it's always nice to hear that somepony loves you, but…" Octavia raised a hoof, searching for words in frustration.

"There's gotta be some way we can settle this, isn' there?" Vinyl pleaded.

"Ugh, we've tried to settle this so many times."

"Mm-hmm."

"I think we've proved it's healthier to just completely ignore this entire issue."

"Well, that ain't righ'," Vinyl said seriously.

"Isn't it?" Octavia said coolly. "We hadn't spoken to each other since college when I appeared on your show to discuss my latest album. I was quite happy with how the reunion went, the rekindling of our friendship… and quite relieved that you didn't once bring up your misguided crush on me."

"Well, I'm bringin' it up now," Vinyl shot back. "I'm an artis', I can' leave feelings inside me unaddressed, yeah? We gotta… make some kind of arrangement."

"Like what, Vinyl?" Octavia hissed through gritted teeth. "What kind of arrangement? Pestering me relentlessly until I break down and agree to date you, and that lasts all of a week because I realize, 'wait a minute, I let myself get bullied into this again and I don't—even—like—MARES!'"

She angrily pounded her hooves against the keys, and huffed for a moment before taking a deep, calming breath. "Vinyl, I love you. Not in that way, but I do. And I appreciate what you feel for me, and that it hurts you, and I'm sorry. It pains me that there's nothing I can do about it. But it does not give you the right to push me around. If this sort of things happens again, we can't be friends anymore. It tears me apart inside to say that, but it's true."

Vinyl was slouched down, defensive. "There, ya see?" she said nervously. "Closure." All traces of her accent were gone. "I always knew, but… I had to hear you say it or I wouldn't have believed it. So… thanks."

Octavia nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, you fool, I just thanked you."

"Well, that's very mature of you. I'm sorry anyway."

"Well, that's…" Vinyl cleared her throat and slipped back into her usual voice, "very mature of you. Tha' was a good week, wasn't it, though? The time we were datin'? It wasn' all bad…"

"It wasn't the worst excuse for a relationship I've ever had," Octavia said wryly. "I assure you, if I was the slightest bit interested in women, I probably would have been far more receptive to dating you than I actually was."

"Well, tha' goes wiffout saying."

"Not entirely receptive," Octavia amended, grinning. "You're hardly my type. But I would have had an easier time of it than I did. Then, of course, it would have gone sour and ended within a week, just as it actually did, except that then we surely would have never spoken to each other again, so all things considered, you're pretty lucky I'm straight."

"Oh, come on," said Vinyl, putting her shades back on. "Imagine you were actually attracted to me: you really don' fink we'd 'ave worked out?"

"Heavens no," said Octavia. "Vinyl, you're… you. You have sex with more strangers than most ponies make eye contact with. Was I supposed to expect your faithfulness? How convinced am I supposed to be that you've 'always' loved me when you've, just for example, slept with every member of every band I've ever been a part of? And spent every single night of your college years with a different pony?"

"Well… you know… the 'eart deals wiv rejection in mysterious ways…" Vinyl argued weakly.

Octavia chuckled. "Of course."

"My favorite of your bandmates was definitely that guy, ah, Fredrick somethin'. 'E was amazing."

"Horseshoepin, yes," said Octavia. "Trust me, I know, I slept with him before you did, why do you think he left the band? That's what sex does, it ruins perfectly good business, artistic, and personal relationships."

"And I did not spend every night of college wiv—"

"Don't try to deny it, please. Roommates, remember? My bed was five feet away from yours and there was nothing between them."

"Er…"

"I still don't understand how that's mathematically possible," said Octavia. "There are far more days in four years than there are students at that college at any given time."

"They weren' all students," said Vinyl, "And I didn' sleep wiv each of them exactly once, for your information… never 'ad anypony two nights in a row, yes, but there were repeats."

"You take my point, sister," Octavia said playfully. "With your history, I wouldn't sleep with you if my life depended on it. Your insides must be crawling with termites! Don't any of your new paramours notice?"

Vinyl tapped her cutie mark. "I'm a unicorn and a rock star, ahhh yeah. You don't fink STD protection is par' of tha' magic talent package?"

"Really?"

"No, not really, but I practice basic safety. I'm not a maniac."

There was a long silence. The two of them fiddled with their keyboards, though neither dared to actually play a note.

"…Wasn' the biggest mess I ever made of a relationship eiver, you and me," Vinyl finally muttered. "I ever tell you about the time I was married?"

"What?" Octavia exclaimed. "No! You were married?"

"Yeah, for abou' five hours," Vinyl said grimly.

"Oh, this I've got to hear."

"Yeah, you do! So, I was performin' at a club, and after the set I met this guy, righ'? Turns out, 'e weren't no ordinary groupie—this was the firs' time 'e'd ever 'eard o' me, 'ad no idea I was famous, 'e jus' fort I was really, really great. And, I dunno, I was into tha'! We went ou' to dinner, then back to 'is place, and I must 'ave shagged 'is marbles out like 'e'd never been shagged before, ahhh yeah, 'cause 'e proposed to me righ' then and there, and I figured, sure, why the 'ell not? …I'd 'ad a li'l bit o' the ol' pixie dust tha' weekend.

"Anyway, we got married the very nex' night, less than twenty-four hours after we met—at that same club, of course."

"Oh, of course," Octavia agreed.

"There were bridesmaids and groomsmen and guests comin' out the wazoo—all ponies neiver of us 'ad ever laid eyes on before, it was crazy. And so, free hours into the weddin' reception, 'e walks in on me in the back room of the club where they keep the giant, 'eart-shaped, rose-petal-covered bed."

"At the back of the club, of course," Octavia said, nodding enthusiastically.

"Yup," Vinyl laughed. "So 'e walks in, and I'm in there, gettin' it on wiv all four of my bridesmaids, 'ooever they were. And imagine my shock when my new 'usband is appalled that I'm cheatin' on 'im! I didn' see it tha' way, I was just warmin' up myself and all the girls for an MFFFFF six-way in our marital bed, fort it was the wifely fing to do." She paused and thought back over her statement. "Tha' was five F's, righ'? Yeah.

"But nope, 'e weren' into tha'. 'E dragged me outta there, down to the court'ouse, and two hours later the marriage was annulled. Fortunately, the party was still on, I went back, rounded up four mares 'oo may or may not 'ave been my bridesmaids, I really dunno, took 'em to the big bed, not a bad nigh' in the end, but I sure as heck wasn' married no more."

Octavia nodded slowly. "He just… thought you were a rising star. Had no idea just how deep into the rock star life you'd gone."

She shrugged. "'Ey, I knew tha' from the beginnin', tha's what attracted me to 'im… but yeah. 'E didn' know me. Heh… I ain't too fussed 'bout the 'ole fing. I didn' know 'im eiver, after all. I don't fink I ever even caugh' 'is name. If I did, I've forgotten it."

"Well, that's a beautiful story, Vinyl," Octavia said with a prickly dryness. "Now I definitely want to date you."

"Heh…" Vinyl chuckled.

"My only question is, how did he not know what he was getting into?" Octavia asked. "Surely he noticed the termites?"

"There's no termites!" Vinyl snapped, though she was laughing. There was a second long and awkward silence, which was again broken by Vinyl. "I… I 'ave a problem, you know?" she said quietly. "I know I do. It's not like it's 'ad a terrible effect on my life—I'm charismatic enough tha' I don' 'ave to search very 'ard, I still enjoy the act, and I've done it wiv some pretty interesting ponies—but still… it is a problem. Especially since, for all the ponies that come and go each day… each day… the only one I've ever really wanted in the longest time is… is you."

Octavia backed away from her keyboard and ran a hoof through Vinyl's mane. "Vinyl… I love you so much. But it's never going to happen. Even if I did like mares, and you hadn't pressured me into our first relationship… I just couldn't find it in me to trust you that way. You have to admit you would cheat, even if I am 'the one'. You said it yourself, you have a problem. You're a very good friend, but you wouldn't be a loyal partner."

"'Ow could you possibly know tha'?" said Vinyl, her voice breaking. "Nopony's ever let me bloody try."

"Hey…" Octavia said tenderly, wrapping an arm around her. "So you're a sex addict. We've all got problems. It's what makes us flesh and blood beings. Well, that and dying. I mean… um… well, that certainly took a dark turn pretty fast, didn't it? Erm, what was I—? Right, problems. Admitting to them is the first step. You're still a wonderful pony. You're… you're my homegirl."

Vinyl raised an eyebrow, and Octavia grinned. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah, Vinyl's my homegirl. She stands tall and proud. She's got the dope shades and she's too damn loud."

"What are you…?" Vinyl said in disbelief.

"She sleeps all day and she also sleeps all night," Octavia said rhythmically, making odd gestures with her hooves. "And the best part, bitches, is that she don't bite."

Vinyl stared blankly for several seconds. "What the bloody 'ell was that?"

Octavia giggled. "Just… trying to make up a little improvised rap ditty about you, that… okay, see, this is why I don't make up songs. I write songs, but I don't just pull them off the top of my head, I… I can't, really."

Vinyl continued to stare. The only response she could muster was, "An improvised rap is called a 'freestyle'."

"See, and I genuinely didn't know until just now when you said it. I really have no business rapping."

"You know, you talk about rap a lot, considering you're not interested in it," Vinyl said suspiciously. "Is tha' for my benefit? Do you actually fink I'm a rapper? 'Cause I'm not, you know. I'm a DJ. To'ally different genre of music. Dubstep."

"Er… no, I knew that…" Octavia said uneasily.

After yet another prolonged silence, Octavia spoke. "Look, I'm sorry it can't happen between us. I really am sorry. Because I love you, and I won't ever… no, I'll always love you, and it'll be… erm… okay, I don't remember what you said verbatim, but you see where I'm going with that, right?"

"Oh, Octy…"

They embraced warmly, and let out simultaneous sighs of relief and pleasure.

"One of these days," Octavia said, "you're going to meet somepony who loves you, the real you. And you'll have an amazing relationship with somepony who'll be just as able to ignore the termites as all of your casual flings have been."

"There's no bloody termites!" Vinyl grumbled.

They laughed together, and looked around at their workspace, papers scattered everywhere and instruments heaped about. They had been alone in the studio for hours.

"Why don't we table workin' on the song today," Vinyl said slowly, "and just go out and do somefing togever?"

"Absolutely," Octavia said instantly. "Is there anything I can do to make things up to you?"

They left their workspace exactly as it was, carefully locking the door behind themselves.

"You got nuffing to make up, mate," Vinyl assured her.

"Humor me."

"All righ'. You could set me up wiv your li'l sister."

Octavia blinked. "What? Who, Blinkie pie?"

"No, one of your many uvver li'l sisters. Of course Blinkie Pie."

Octavia's brow furrowed. "You want to sleep with Blinkie?"

"I want to date Blinkie, thank you very much," Vinyl corrected. "I've been coppin' to the sex addict fing for far too long, it's abou' time I started trying to do somefing abou' it."

"Well, first of all, I think some counseling and therapy are in order before you dive straight into trying to date somepony," said Octavia, as they exited the studio and walked out into the lantern-lit, mostly-deserted streets of Canterlot. "That's just asking for trouble. Secondly, I think you'll run into the same problems with Blinkie Pie as you did with me, specifically the 'not into mares' part. I've never had a reason to think Blinkie is interested in mares."

"You ever 'ad a reason to believe she's not into mares?" Vinyl countered.

"No, I suppose I haven't," Octavia admitted. "I really don't know her that well. But the odds are stacked against you, demographics-wise."

"'Ave you seen 'er wiv farm tools?"

"Being a competent farmhand doesn't make her gay, Vinyl," Octavia said, smirking.

"It don't make 'er a prima ballerina eiver, mate."

"What are you saying, that there's no gay prima ballerinas?"

"Meh, I dunno."

"But…" Octavia said thoughtfully. "I've recently learned just how little I actually know about Blinkie Pie. If she's ever had a romantic interest in her life, I haven't heard about it."

"Jus' set us up, and we'll see," Vinyl urged. "If fings work out, they work out, and if they don' work out, then, uh… then they don' work out. Eiver way, I'll do righ' by 'er and I'll do you proud. All righ'?"

"All right," Octavia said decisively. "All right, I'll do it."

"Cool. Thanks, mate," said Vinyl. "I see no reason why it won' work out. There are no straigh' mares—jus' mares 'oo've never met me. Ahhh yeah."

Octavia pondered that for a second. "I've met you," she pointed out. "I'm talking to you right now. I'm still feeling pretty straight, truth be told."

"Uh… well, when I say 'met', I mean 'slept wiv'."

"Ah, they have to sleep with you first."

"Yeah, only most of 'em don't, 'cause they fink they're straigh'. It's 'ighly paradoxical."

Octavia laughed. "Yes, yes it is."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

Fair warning: this having been an extremely brain-ideas-spilling-out-of-my-head month for me, I suspect we're about to experience another kick of really long notes.

I'm pondering if there's starting to be an overabundance of LGBT characters in this story. We've got Lyra and Bon Bon, Rainbow and Derpy, it was mentioned about Princess Platinum, on a whim I established it about Rarity, and now DJ P0n-3—to say nothing about any number of characters whose sexuality never comes up at all. Surely it's not too far off from real-life demographics…? Then again, this is an MLP fic, and there's always been a rather skewed "bro/ho ratio" on the MLP dance floor. Tellingly, G4 is the least-skewed incarnation of the franchise thus far; basically, in a relationship-heavy fic like this, one must involve a disproportionate amount of gay women just to keep things interesting.

In listing these characters, it occurred to me that every character in this story I've made LGBT I've also given a traumatic backstory, a history of promiscuity, or both. Well, that ain't good. Let's not confuse correlation with causation here, but dang, I kinda stink at this whole LGBT representation thing.

Unrelated to this story, I once realized that every gay character I'd ever written was a hot lesbian of the kind men like watching. A common pitfall with authors aiming for LGBT representation, it ends up the opposite of progressive and ends up being sexist and objectifying instead. It gets to the point where, every time I see an announcement that some media is introducing a new LGBT character, I'm apprehensive because I'm 90% sure it's going to be an attractive woman, and I'm often right, and I don't think that counts anymore. At this point in history, to represent properly you've got to go with something that can't titillate your straight male audience. I'm not saying gay women can't be attractive, just that when every LGBT character in your media is a hot girl who dates other hot girls, you're kinda going in the wrong direction, not really breaking any ground or challenging any norms. And by the looks of most of my writings, when I say "you" I mean "me".

This was a while back; having noticed the mistake I sought to avert it. Not in this story; this fandom doesn't have enough male characters to give any amount of facetime to a male/male pairing. My only option would be to try to emphasize Steven Magnet's love life, and I can't imagine how the story could go in that direction with the role I've already given him. But, though this wasn't the case for a while, I do have other projects besides this story, so… gonna work on gay male representation somewhere, to be sure. As a person who doesn't understand men at all, I have no idea how I'm gonna write about two men, but somebody's gotta do it. Fortunately the fanfiction world has guy-on-guy action in abundance; perhaps my time would be better served creating worlds where not everyone is the pinnacle of beauty and physique. Normal-looking people are beautiful too!