---

In the last scene, Jareth had just finished singing with the goblins.

Meanwhile, the other ponies and Megan still wander through the maze.

Gusty (groaning):
Another dead end!

As the ponies turn to head back, two doors with strange "guards" in front of them appear.

Alph:
No, that's the dead end behind you!

Megan:
What in the HECK?

Shady:
Oh no! What if they're evil? What if they're planning to give us freaky hair and wear spandex and . . .

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Magic Star:
So what's up with you doors?

Ralph:
One of us leads to certain death, the other leads towards the center of the Labyrinth!

Gusty:
Okay--so which of you is which?

Alph:
Ah, but only one of us will tell the truth, and the other will always lie! It's tricky!

Megan (unimpressed):
Or we could simply open both the doors and discover which leads to certain death.

Ralph:
That's not fair!

Magic Star:
You say that so often . . . I wonder what your basis for comparison is!

Alph:
Yeah, like I haven't heard THAT one before . . .

Ralph (ignoring Magic Star):
And you can only ask one of us.

Megan:
Okay, okay, I'll go along with this. (looking at Alph) Here's my question: is Magic Star yellow or pink?

Alph:
Um, she's pink.

Megan:
Great. Now--does your door lead to certain death?

Ralph:
We never said you could ask more than one question!

Magic Star:
You didn't say we couldn't!

Gusty:
Yeah, we should get one question per person at least!

Alph (grumbling):
No, my door doesn't lead to certain death.

Gusty:
I'll take door number two, please.

Megan:
Piece of cake!

Everyone crowds through the right door--only to fall into a chute! Helping hands try to catch them, but the ponies are too heavy, and the hands are simply yanked from the walls instead. The ponies land safely on a pile of hands.

Shady:
Oh no, we're stuck in an oubliette and it's all my fault!

Gusty:
Yeah, it is your fault! It's your bad luck!

Magic Star:
You're just grumpy because we've been left to fester and rot in an oubliette! It's not her fault!

Gusty:
Yes it is! Yes it is!

The ponies look for a way out. Gusty continues muttering about how it's Shady's fault.

Meanwhile, Spike and Baby Lickety-Split are surrounded by goblins.

Baby Lickety-Split:
I don't like this place!

Jareth:
Haha! See, now the dwarf will lead your friends back to the beginning of the maze! You will both become goblins!

Spike (whispering to Baby Lickety-Split):
Don't worry, the other ponies will rescue us!

Baby Lickety-Split:
I don't want to wait for them!

She begins running through the castle.

Spike:
Lickety! Wait!

Jareth:
HEY!

Baby Lickety-Split (singing):
I'll go it alone! I'll go it alooooone!

Elsewhere, Hoggle arrives at the oubliette.

Hoggle:
Eh, great news, little horses--

Gusty:
Ponies.

Hoggle:
Whatever! I've come to help you find your way out of this oubliette, out of the Labyrinth!

Fizzy:
Out? But we're trying to find our way further in!

Megan:
Fizzy's right! We can't lose hope!

Megan begins singing.

Megan:
There's always another rainbow, search until you find it!
Don't look at the clouds, look behind it,
There's a rainbow there somewhere!
There's always . . .

Hoggle:
All right, all right, I'll help you! Just stop singing!

Hoggle puts a door against the wall and opens it. Sunlight streams in.

Fizzy:
Wow! Neat!

The ponies (and Megan) follow Hoggle down the corridors lined with talking stones.)

Stone1:
This is not the right way!

Stone2:
Beware! Doom lies this way!

Stone3:
Step AWAY from the car!

Stone4:
Take heed and go no further!

Megan:
This is like a twisted Easter Island . . .

A crystal ball rolls by and leaps into the cup of a beggar.

Beggar:
Well, well, what've we here?

Shady:
Oh no! What if that crystal is really a high powered explosive that will explode if it goes under eighty miles per hour?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Beggar:
AHEM! Well, well, what've we here?

Hoggle:
Uh . . . nothing!

The beggar turns into Jareth in a puff of glitter.

Jareth:
Nothing? Nothing? Nothing?! NOTHING, tra la la??

Megan:
What do you think, ponies?

Magic Star:
Sounds like a song cue to me!

The ponies burst into song while Jareth and Hoggle look on, aghast.

Megan: Don't know which way to walk?
Magic Star: Have you had a nasty shock?
Fizzy: Lost in corridors of ro-ock?
Shady (spoken): We sure are!
Megan: Well, don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Shady: Are you stuck in a maze?
Fizzy: Is your brain all in a haze?
Gusty (spoken): Yours always is!
Magic Star: You won't be in there all your days! So . . .
Megan: Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Jareth (spoken):
I don't believe this.

Gusty: Though all hope may seem lost . . .
Shady: Oh, maybe there's too high a cost!
Fizzy (spoken): Come on, Shady, brighten up!
Magic Star: Doubts and fears must be tossed!
Megan: Yeah! Don't lose hope! Don't despair! There's a path out--somewhere!
Ponies: Tra la la!

Jareth:
I'm going to go off and be ill now. Hoggle, staying with these . . . creatures . . . is surely punishment enough for anyone. But be warned--if they stop singing and you help them . . .

Jareth glares and Hoggle cowers.

Hoggle:
Of course, your Majesty!

The ponies are still singing.

Fizzy: Oh, the Labyrinth's a scary place!
Shady: Hardly a friendly face!
Gusty: And we have a clock to race!
Magic Star (spoken): That's true, but . . .
All: We won't lose hope! Won't despair! 'Cause there's a way out--somewhere!

Gusty: Somewhere--tra la la!
Magic Star: Somewhere--tra la la la!
Shady: Somewhere--tra la la!
Fizzy: Somewhere--tra la la la!
All: Somewheeeeeere! Tra la LA!

The ponies stop singing and look around.

Magic Star:
Hey, where'd the Goblin King go?

Gusty:
He didn't even join in the chorus. What a doofus!

Fizzy:
Maybe he can't sing!

Gusty:
Yeah, and maybe those tights cut off the circulation to his brain! So where do we go now?

Hoggle (still recovering from the song):
Uhhhh . . . Well . . . Gee, you sure got his attention! Oh, here we go! This is what we need--a ladder! Um, can you ponies climb ladders?

Magic Star:
We can play tennis, make ice cream sundaes, and even cram our hooves into ballet shoes. I don't see why we wouldn't be able to climb a ladder!

Gusty:
Hang on a second! Why should we trust you?

Hoggle:
Let me put it this way--what choice have you got?

Gusty:
Let me put it this way--I wouldn't want to accidentally step on you!

Megan and Magic Star:
GUSTY!!!!

Hoggle:
Okay, okay! The truth is, I kind of like you weird little horses--

Fizzy:
Ponies.

Hoggle:
. . . and your weird little songs! See, you've got to understand my position. I'm a coward, and Jareth scares the pants off of me!

Shady:
His pants scare me too!

Megan:
His pants scare all of us!

Hoggle:
You wouldn't be so brave if you'd ever smelled the Bog of Eternal Stench, y'see!

Fizzy:
It just smells bad?

Hoggle:
Believe me, that's enough!

Magic Star:
Oh, I don't know. I've been in the same room with Gusty's old gym suit; how much worse could it be?

Gusty:
HEY!

Hoggle:
But the worst thing is that if you put a foot in the Bog of Stench, you'll smell bad for the rest of your life! It won't wash off!

The ponies and Hoggle climb the ladder and end up in a large hedge maze.

Hoggle:
Ah, here we are, then! You're on your own from now on!

Megan:
What?

Hoggle:
That's it, I quit!

Magic Star:
Wait a minute! Hoggle!

Hoggle:
I said I'd take you as far as I could!

Fizzy:
But that's cheating!

Hoggle:
Now don't try to embarrass me, I've got no pride!

Shady:
But what if we get lost without you? What if a mad killer with a cell phone wearing a mask begins stalking us and we all die?

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Gusty:
Fine, short stuff! I guess we'll just have to tell Jareth how helpful you were when we find him! We'll be sure to say you were instrumental in getting us into the castle!

Hoggle (cowering):
No! Not that! That's not fair!

Gusty:
Tough! That's the way it is!

The ponies start singing again.

Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Who said that life was fair?
Magic Star: Anyway, what basis have you to compare?
Magic Star and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Fizzy:
Fair! Fair! Fair!
Of brains I'm missing half my share!
'Course, I really don't care, but . . .
Magic Star, Fizzy, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Magic Star: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Rich and poor--that's so unfair!
"Do you have some change to spare?"
Fizzy, Magic Star, and Gusty: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Shady: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even mice give me a scare!
I would never take a dare!
All the ponies: Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is never fair!

Megan: Fair! Fair! Fair!
Even Jar-eth's life's unfair!
Seen the clothes he has to wear?
All: Fair! Fair! Fair! Who said life was fair?
Fair! Fair! Fair! Life is so unfair!

The ponies pause as a wiseman with a bird hat appears.

Wiseman:
All this singing has woken me up! What's going on?

Hoggle:
Cor!

Megan:
Excuse me please, but can you help us?

Wiseman:
Oh! A young girl! And a bunch of ponies!

Hat:
Whoo whoo whoo!

Wiseman:
And who is this?

Magic Star:
He's our friend!

Wiseman:
Oh. What can I do for you?

Fizzy:
We need to get to the castle to find Spike and Baby Lickety-Split!

Shady:
Do you know the way?

Wiseman:
Oh yes. You want to get to the castle?

Hat:
How's that for brain power, huh?

Gusty:
No kidding!

Wiseman:
Be quiet!

Hat:
Aw, nuts!

Wiseman:
So, young woman and equines, the way forward is sometimes the way back!

Hat:
Aye! Will you listen to this crap!

Wiseman:
Will you please be quiet!

Hat:
All right!

Wiseman:
Okay?

Hat:
Okay.

Wiseman:
All right.

Hat:
All right. Sorry.

Wiseman:
Finished?

Hat:
(pause) Yes.

Wiseman:
Quite often it seems like we're not getting anywhere, when, in fact . . .

Hat:
We are.

Wiseman (glaring at hat):
. . . we are!

Gusty:
Yeah, well we're not getting anywhere at the moment!

Hat:
Ha! Join the club!

The wiseman starts snoring.

Hat:
Uh, I think that's your lot! Just leave a contribution in the little box!

The ponies start walking away.

Hat:
HEY! I said to put a contribution in . . .

Gusty:
For a couple cryptic words? I don't think so!

Hat:
Ahh, stupid ponies!

Hoggle:
Why did you say I was your friend?

Gusty:
Because it's easier than saying "This is the stupid little coward we're following around for no good reason."

Megan and Magic Star:
GUSTY!

Fizzy:
We said that because you are our friend, Boggle!

Hoggle:
The name's Hoggle!

Megan:
Even if you don't know it!

Hoggle looks around in bewilderment as music again begins playing.

Megan: There's nothing quite like a frie-en-end!
Magic Star: Yeah! They'll always help you right until the end!
Megan: Though you're depressed and feeling blu-u-ue . . .
Fizzy: A friend is a person who can pull you through!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!

Shady: If you are feeling lost and scare-ar-ared . . .
Fizzy: You need a friend to show you someone cared!
Magic Star: If night-time monsters block your pa-a-ath . . .
Gusty: You need a friend to show those mon-sters some wrath! Yeah!
All: Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!

Friends! Friends! Short and tall!
Friends! Friends! Love them all!
Friends! Friends! Forever and a day!
Friends! Friends won't lead you astray!
HEY!

Hoggle:
Friend! Huh, I like that! I ain't never been no one's friend before!

Roaring is heard in the distance.

Hoggle:
Oh! Goodbye!

Magic Star:
Wait a minute! Are you our friend or not?

Hoggle:
No, Hoggle ain't no one's friend! Hoggle looks after himself, like everyone else! Hoggle is Hoggle's friend!

Fizzy:
Hoggle! Wait!

Gusty:
You coward!

More roaring in the distance.

Gusty:
Well, I'm not afraid!

Shady:
I am! What if it's a huge lizardy monster that's laid its eggs all over New York? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

The ponies and Megan creep up and find a bunch of guards torturing a big hairy animal.

Megan:
If only I had something to throw!

Gusty:
Or--I could just do this!

Gusty concentrates and a great wind rises and sweeps the guards away.

Fizzy (amazed):
How'd you do that?

Gusty:
Um--earth to Fizzy! That's my special unicorn power, remember? Just like your power is making bubbles, Bubblehead!

Fizzy:
Oh. Right, I remember that now!

The monsters howls.

Magic Star:
Now stop that! Is that any way to treat people who are trying to help you?

Monster:
Hrrrr . . .

Megan:
Do you want us to let you down?

Monster:
Ludo . . . down!

Shady:
Is your name Ludo?

Ludo:
Ludo.

Fizzy:
Don't worry, Ludo! I'll get you down, yep yep yep!

Fizzy runs and unties the rope. Ludo falls and begins moaning.

Fizzy:
Oops! Sorry!

Ludo:
Fwiends?

Shady:
Uh . . . I guess so. I'm Shady.

Ludo:
Shady . . . fwiend!

Ludo tries to hug Shady, who backs away.

Shady:
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Ludo:
Fwiends?

Megan:
I'm Megan.

Fizzy:
I'm Fizzy!

Ludo:
Fizzy . . . drop Ludo! Not fwiend!

Magic Star:
Oh, Fizzy didn't mean to drop you, Ludo! She's just stupid!

Fizzy:
HEY!

Magic Star:
She is your friend! So am I! I'm Magic Star!

Gusty:
Yeah, yeah, I'm Gusty, pleased to meet you--can we GO now?

Magic Star:
Now, wait just a second. Ludo, do you know a way to the castle at the center of the Labyrinth?

Ludo:
Umm . . . (long pause) No.

Gusty (sarcastically):
Gee, what a shock!

Megan:
I wonder if anyone knows . . .

Elsewhere, Hoggle is walking away from the ponies.

Hoggle:
Get through the Labyrinth? Get through the Labyrinth? One thing's for sure, they'll never get through the Labyrinth! Cor!

The ponies and Ludo wander through the maze. Suddenly, two doors appear. The knockers are shaped like faces.

Shady:
Where did they come from?

Ludo:
Hmm?

Magic Star:
Which should we choose out of these two characters?

Knocker1:
It's very rude to stare!

Shady:
AHHHH!!! They're alive!!!

Gusty:
Who asked you anyway, metal mouth?

Knocker1:
What?

Knocker2:
Hm cmph hr vyu!

Knocker1:
Stop talking with your mouth full!

Knocker2:
Mm nt tlkg wth my mth fll!

Megan removes the ring from the mouth of Knocker2.

Knocker2:
Oh, thank you! It's so good to get that thing out!

Fizzy:
What were you saying?

Knocker2:
Oh, it's no good talking to him, he's deaf as a post!

Knocker1:
Mumble, mumble, you're a wonderful conversationalist!

Knocker2:
All you do is moan!

Knocker1:
No good. Can't hear you.

Megan:
Where do these door lead?

Knocker2:
Search me! We're just the knockers!

Shady:
How do we get through?

Knocker2:
Knock and the door will open.

Megan:
Oh.

Megan tries to put the ring back in Knocker2's mouth.

Knocker2:
I don't want that back in my mouth!

Fizzy:
But we want to knock!

Knocker1:
Doesn't want his knocker back, eh? Can't say I blame him.

Gusty (shrugging):
No problem.

Gusty knocks on the door with her hoof. The door opens and they all go through. Megan still carries the ring.

Meanwhile, back in Jareth's throne room . . . Baby Lickety-Split and Spike have been captured and the doors to the throne room have been locked. Baby Lickety-Split is sulking.

Jareth (looking at Baby Lickety-Split):
She's a cute little thing, even with that enormous tooth hanging out of her mouth. She's got my eyes.

Baby Lickety-Split (whining):
Why does everything have to happen to me?

Goblins:
Ha ha ha ha!

In the meantime, Ludo and the ponies and Megan have wandered into a garden.

Ludo:
Ludo scared!

Gusty:
Oh, I knew we shouldn't have taken him along!

Magic Star:
Gusty! Be nice!

Megan:
Oh, give me your hand! Imagine a big thing like you being afraid!

Ludo:
Yeah.

Fizzy:
See, Ludo? There's nothing to be afraid of!

Ludo falls through a secret pit behind the ponies. They turn around and see that he's gone.

Gusty:
Hey, where'd the abominable snowman go?

Magic Star:
Ludo?

Fizzy:
He's gone!

Shady:
Oh no! What if little bipedal dinosaurs with big curved claws came and killed him? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

Megan:
Ludo! Ludo! Where are you?

Fizzy:
Ludo! Ludo!

Gusty:
Well, he's gone. C'mon, let's get going.

Magic Star:
Ludo! Ludo!

From afar, Hoggle has heard the ponies and Megan.

Hoggle:
I'm coming, little ponies!

Jareth (appearing out of nowhere):
Well, if it isn't you! And where are you going?

Hoggle:
Uh, well the ponies gave me the slip, but I hears them now, so I was going to lead them back to the beginning, like you told me.

Jareth:
I see. For one moment I thought you were running to help them. But no, not after my warnings. That would be stupid.

Hoggle:
You bet it would! Me? Help them? After your warnings? Ha ha ha!

Jareth:
Oh dear, poor Hoghead.

Hoggle:
Hoggle.

Jareth:
Yes. I thought I heard singing a while ago.

Hoggle:
Uh, yes, singing. It was terrible! I'm sure I'll needs therapy! But first, I'm off to take the ponies back to the beginning of the Labyrinth, just like we planned!

Jareth:
Wait, I've got a much better plan. (tossing Hoggle a peach) Give them this.

Hoggle:
W-what is it?

Jareth:
It's a present.

Hoggle:
It won't hurt them, will it?

Jareth:
Now, why the concern?

Hoggle:
I wouldn't want to hurt the little ponies.

Jareth:
Come, Hogbrain! I'm surprised at you, losing your head over a girl and a bunch of ponies! Singing ponies, at that!

Hoggle:
I ain't lost my head!

Jareth:
You don't seriously think that a bunch of colorful ponies could possibly like a repulsive scab like you, do you?

Hoggle:
Well, maybe not Gusty, but they others said we was . . .

Jareth:
What? Bosom companions? . . . Friends?

Hoggle:
They sang a whole song about it!

Jareth:
You'll give that to them, Hoggle, or I'll tip you straight into the Bog of Eternal Stench!

Hoggle:
Yes. Right.

Jareth:
And, Hoggle, if they ever sing a song solely about you, I'll turn you into a prince!

Hoggle:
Y-you will?

Jareth:
Prince of the land of stench! Ha ha ha! Man, I crack me up!

Meantime, back with the ponies...

Megan:
Ludo! Ludo!

Gusty:
He's GONE! Deal with it!

The ponies hear noises in the woods.

Fizzy:
What's going on?

Shady:
Oh no! What if it's a bunch of starving pumas come to tear us to shreds? Oh no!

All:
Shut up, Shady!

A Firey pops his head up. (Firies look like insane red, furry muppets. Probably because they are.)

Megan:
Who are you?

Magic Star:
What do you want?

Firey 1:
Yahoo! We're out to have a good time!

Firey 2:
That's right!

Firey 3:
Yeah!

The Firey's start singing and jumping around.

Firies:
Don't have no problems! (No problems!)
Ain't got no suitcase! (No suitcase!)
Ain't got no clothes to worry about!
Ain't got no real estate or jewelry or gold mines to hang me up!
I just throw in my hand! (Throw in my hand!)
We're the chilliest bunch in the land!

Magic Star (whispering to Megan):
Maybe they know King Charlatan!

Firies:
Chilly down with the wild gang!
Think small with the wild gang!
Bad hep with the wild gang!
(Don't lose your head!)
When your thing gets wild,
Chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!
Walk tall with the wild gang!
Good times, bad food!
When your thing gets wild chilly down, chilly down!

A firey removes his eyes and rolls them on the ground.

Firey (spoken):
Yeah! Roll 'em!

Firies:
Snake eyes!

Fizzy (giggling):
Wow, that's great!

Firies:
So when things get too rough
Your skin is dragging on the ground!
And even down looks up! (Down looks up!)
We can show you a good time . . . (Show you a good time!) And we don't charge nothin'! (Nothin' at all!)
Just strut your stuff! Wiggle in the middle, yeah!
Get the town talking, by god!
Chilly down with the wild gang!
Think small with the wild gang!
Bad hep, happy wild gang!
When your thing gets wild, chilly down, chilly down with the wild gang!

Firey (spoken):
Shake your pretty little head.

Firey (spoken):
Tap your pretty little feet.

Firies:
Good times, bad food!

The firies stop singing and start trying to pull the ponies heads off.

Firey:
Hey! Their heads don't come off!

Gusty:
Well, no DUH!

Magic Star:
Of course they don't!

Firey:
She's right. They're stuck on.

Firey:
Where you going with a head like that?

Firey:
I know what we can do. Take off their heads!

Firey:
Yeah, let's take them apart!

Gusty:
Let's NOT!

Gusty kicks the head off a firey. The other ponies follow suit.

Firey:
Hey, lady, that's his head! Hey, that's my head.

Firey:
That's a friend of mine!

Firey:
What are you doing?

Megan wedges the ring from the knocker into the branchs of a tree and the ponies begin playing basketball with the Firies' heads.

Firey:
Hey! It's against the rules to throw other people's heads! You're only allowed to throw your own head.

Firey:
That's right!

Firey:
Where's the referee?

Firey:
Now we take your head off!

Shady:
Run!

The ponies all begin running away.

Firey:
Stop them, somebody!

Firey:
Come back, little ponies.

Firey:
Play the game.

Firey:
Who gets to throw your head?

Firey:
Hey, you can't quit!

Megan:
Leave us alone!

Firey:
We get a free throw!

Firey:
Don't you want us to take your heads off?

Suddenly a ladder falls over the side of the wall in front of the ponies.

Magic Star:
Hoggle!

Firey:
You can look like us!

Gusty:
Which part of "leave us alone" do you not understand?

The ponies begin climbing up the ladder.

Firey:
Take off your heads!

Firey:
Get a saw!

Firey:
An ear! Take off an ear! You don't need two ears!

Firey:
The game's almost over!

Hoggle:
Shoo! Go away!

Megan:
Hoggle! You've come to help us!

Magic Star:
What a noble thing to do!

Shady:
You saved us!

Gusty:
Yeah--almost makes up for abandoning us before.

Fizzy:
Hooray for Higgle!

Hoggle:
Hoggle!

Megan:
This deserves a song!

Hoggle:
No!

Music starts up in the background, but everyone falls down a pit before they can start singing.

All:
Aieeeeee!!!

---