TCB: A Kinder World

07 - Borderline

The moon hung high in the sky, serene and calm in the night sky. It was bordered by the foliage of trees, stretching high above.

It was to this that Trixie awoke. She lay there, blinking. Was she dead? Was this the ever-after? The great beyond? She wasn’t quite sure what had happened to her - one moment, taunting, the next, darkness - but she had a nasty feeling it was exactly what she’d said she could handle on her own. It was all pretty hazy, she thought she remembered a giant mouth, but not a lot more. That was probably when she passed out. And probably a good thing, too, at that.

She sat up, wincing; she looked down, and saw patches of her coat had vanished, angry red skin showing beneath, and getting irritated as she moved and her skin moved with her - it was like she’d been burned or something, but at the same time, there was no charred skin or hair. Strange. That ruled out being dead, then - why was she still hurting if she wasn’t dead?

But there was a light.

She got to her hooves, and hobbled over to the light; a fire. As she drew nearer an odor hit her nose, and she saw two lumps next to the fire.

She turned her nose up reflexively when she realized it was the two ponies from before, fast asleep. And then she felt a twisting in her heart.

Had these two ponies saved her? They had, hadn’t they - after all she’d said and done, she was still going to lose face over it...

Trixie frowned, and examined the fire closer; a thin, flat rock had been balanced over the fire, and a strange smell lingered. She wrinkled her nose as she picked out some remains on the rock; with her magic, she picked up a scrap, and looked at it in the light.

She dropped it back onto the stone in horror. Meat! Had they- She checked herself - all four limbs, horn, tail, check. No, no cannibalism. She wiped her brow - that tall tale about a pony being turned into baked goods in Ponyville was just a tale, after all. No, if not her, then...

She looked around; the trickle of water not far away suggested she was near a river, and that large shape just outside the treeline... that was a strange shape. She walked closer, and wrinkled her nose at the smell; bile and acid. Which made sense, given that the titanic shape looked to be a hydra’s corpse, and there was quite a large hole in it’s gut; flies flew in and out of the cavity freely, and Trixie felt like she wanted to hurl.

She ran to the edge of where she thought the river was, and did just that; it didn’t take long, she didn’t have a lot to throw up. Just a few bits of pinecone and stomach acid.

“Oh, real nice. Thank you so very much for doing that,” a voice said, sardonically. Trixie looked downstream, and saw that strange creature from before. Standing waist-deep in water which she’d just vomited into.

There’s a number of adjectives used to describe “The Great and Powerful” Trixie - Egotistical, for example. Humble isn’t one of them. Understanding... isn’t one either.

“What are you?” she demanded, cutting to the quick.

“I am a human named Richard,” the creature said. “And I would like it to stay that way, if you get what I mean, so keep that magic of yours in check, unicorn.”

“Human?” Trixie snorted. “Trixie has never heard of such creatures.”

The Richard snorted, and dipped under the water with a slosh, and vanished. Trixie frowned, and waited for it to resurface. With a rush of water, it re-emerged - right in front of her. With a squeal, she fell over backwards, and landed on her burned rump with a cry of pain.

The creature latched onto the riverbank, and with a grunt, pulled itself out of the water. It staggered upright, water running off it like a fountain, and snorted.

“You’re a piece of work. You’ve been awake for a whole three minutes, and you’re already back to what I’m told are your arrogant, referring-to-yourself-in-third-person ways.: Richard nodded at the water. “Take a dip in the river if those acid burns are giving you hell.”

Trixie got up, and moved to the river cautiously. “Acid burns?”

“Yeah,” Richard nodded. “The hydra started digesting you. Those stomach acids are nasty, I think you’re lucky to be alive; death by digestion or drowning are horrible ways to go.”

Trixie slipped into the water, and shivered - it was cold. The Richard must be used to low temperatures. “What about you?” Trixie asked. “How did-”

“I went in the same way you did,” Richard said, sitting down, water dripping off his suit. “Fucker doesn’t have stupid knife-proof scales on the inside.”

“You mean-” Trixie looked at the titanic corpse. “You did that?”

“It wasn’t hard,” Richard grunted. “Get swallowed. Cut stab thrust. It’s really hard not to break something.”

Trixie felt a little unsettled. “You just talk about killing a hydra like it’s no big deal?”

Richard looked at her. “Rule one of showbusiness - the fact that there’s no show quite like it aside - the show must go on. If I panicked over every little thing that didn’t go according to plan, I’d never get anything done.”

+==[~~~]==+

Fluttershy opened her eyes slowly, to the gentle sizzle of... something. It wasn’t far away. She sat up and yawned, a wing unfurling to briefly scratch her side. The room seemed foreign for a moment, but then she remembered; the truck ride, the motel, and the room.

It wasn’t too bad, really; the bed had been left in a terrible mess, and whoever had used the room last had left bags of clothes behind, but that was okay - it hadn’t taken long to relocate all the clothes to the bag. An awful amount of belts, though, and most of them were far too short for a human waist, so it was beyond her what they were for.

At least some of the clothes made sense.

Fluttershy rolled out of bed, and yawned briefly, picking up a brush she’d found last night; with a little work, she brushed out her mane so it wasn’t atrocious, and took a deep breath. Time to face the day.

She exited the room, and stretched, sniffing the air. Whatever that sizzling noise was, it sure smelled - what in the name of Celestia was going on here?

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as she looked at the scene before her; the previous night, they’d found three units next to each other to make use of, and parked the truck nearby. The middle unit’s door had been fairly demolished, debris scattered about, and the truck sat unnaturally high - where was Palladion? Had there been a fight in the middle of the night?

She fluttered over to the broken doorway, and looked inside; Carpenter was sitting at the unit’s dinner table, hunched over a mug of coffee and glaring at the kitchen. Twilight looked a little shell-shocked and hugged her own mug of coffee, her mane a mess. Inside the kitchen...

“Palladion?” Fluttershy exclaimed. “What are-”

[Howdy little lady!] Palladion called out from his position at the stove, over the sound of loud sizzling as he carefully manipulated the frying pan with his clamp. [You’re just in time for breakfast! Pull up a seat!]

Fluttershy sniffed the air appreciatively. “It smells great, Palladion!” She trotted over to the table, and noticed something strange. “Twilight, um, you’re all red. And Carpenter, you- are you choking?”

“I’m fine,” coughed Carpenter, turning a shade of pink himself. “Bit of coffee just went the wrong way, is all. Phew.”

“Uh, Fluttershy,” Twilight pointed with a hoof at Fluttershy’s legs. “What- what are those?”

“These?” Fluttershy held out a black-stocking-clad leg. “They’re socks. sort of. A little long, but they’re designed for human legs, I think. My hooves got cold during the night, so I put them on.”

“They, um,” Carpenter pointed briefly, before steepling his hands in front of his mouth awkwardly. “They’re very nice socks. I like the fishnet parts,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, giggling nervously. “Perhaps... perhaps they’re a little too nice, if you understand my meaning.”

“I don’t get it,” Fluttershy tilted her head.

Twilight turned a brighter shade of red. “Um, you see, socks... uh...”

There was a movement in the cosmos; planets and stars aligned, omens all came up pointing to one conclusion, and right on cue, the ground shuddered and Palladion arrived at the  table with a hiss of pneumatics.

[Breakfast,] he declared, [Is served. Tuck in.]

There was a soft clink as three plates were placed in front of the organics, and they looked at them.

“What is it?” Twilight asked, poking hers.

“It’s something called a “MRE”,” Carpenter explained. “Meals Ready to Eat, we got a bunch of them in one of the crates in the truck. Usually you can cook ‘em to make them a little more exciting. Usually.” Carpenter jabbed a fork into his, and had a taste, retching. “Bleah. Usually. Somehow, Palladion, you’ve managed to make chicken fajita taste worse.”

Twilight poked hers curiously. “This doesn’t have meat in it, does it?”

[Heavens to betsy, no,] Palladion said, sounding slightly offended. [You’re not meat eaters, so I cooked you the vegetarian options! What sort of friend would I be if I gave you meat?]

Twilight sniffed. “Well, it smells alright.” She took a taste, and shuddered violently. “Oh, bleah, what- what was this supposed to be?”

[Vegetable lasagna!] Palladion said, before leaning in slightly. [Not to your taste?]

“Palladion, this is...” Twilight was lost for words. “I don’t know how you did this! How?”

Fluttershy sniffed hers. “Mmm, smells delicious.”

Twilight looked at her in fear. “Fluttershy, don’t - you’ll regret it.”

Fluttershy ignored Twilight, and carefully took a bite of hers. She tasted it, and nodded. “Tastes like spicy pasta, it’s quite nice.”

Carpenter looked at Fluttershy flatly. “You’re just saying that.”

“No, I really do,” Fluttershy nodded, smiling. Carpenter sat back, looking for a trace of guile or deceit in those eyes, and found nothing.

“Here, Fluttershy,” Twilight nodded at the plate. “Can I try a little of yours?”

“Sure,” Fluttershy pushed her plate over. “I’ll try some of yours as well.”

The two ponies taste-tested the dishes.

“Eugh!” Twilight cried. “It’s worse!”

“I love it!” Fluttershy said, smiling. “I can taste the asparagus!”

Twilight looked at her friend. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Sure I’m sure,” Fluttershy nodded. “Can I have yours as well?”

Twilight just looked at Fluttershy in amazement, and pushed the plate over. Fluttershy took it, and with care, began to eat.

[Well, now,] Palladion said. [It does this cowpoke a power of good to see someone enjoyin’ good vittles, f’once. I’ll be outside if you need me.]

The mech turned, and with heavy steps, stumped out the broken doorway, wood squeaking as he brushed against it. Fluttershy watched him go, and looked at Carpenter.

“What happened?” she asked.

“What happened,” Carpenter growled, “Was that Palladion decided sunup was a great time to drill through the door, push his way in here, and start cooking breakfast. And ignore me telling him to stop, on the grounds that if he did not make us breakfast, we’d might suffer harm from not eating a proper meal. Just to annoy me.”

“The drilling woke me up, too,” Twilight groaned. “It must have woken you up, too, Fluttershy, surely.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I didn’t hear a thing,” she said,  taking another bite of the pasta MRE.

“You can stop eating that now,” Twilight said. “Palladion’s gone. You won’t hurt his feelings.”

“But,” Fluttershy swallowed and shook her head. “It really is good - you don’t like it?”

“Not exactly,” Twilight said.

“He made a bad meal taste worse,” Carpenter grumbled. “I’d rather eat horseshit, no offense. Twilight, we’ll stop off at a store and see if we can’t find some canned beans or something.”

Fluttershy just shrugged. “Your loss.”

+==[~~~]==+

Meanwhile, in another world, other ponies were having a morning of their own.

“Ugh,” complained Rainbow Dash, stretching. “I hate sleeping on the ground. I’d sleep on a cloud, but... Everfree.”

Lyra shook her head, flicking water from the stream about. “I hadn’t planned on still being in the forest by now, I’m hungry.”

“Trixie has thought of that,” a pompous voice declared, “And Trixie has delivered!”

The two mares turned to see Trixie and Richard on the edge of the forest, the former holding a multitude of vegetation aloft in magic, and the latter carrying an armful of the same.

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash snorted. “There you are. We thought you’d done us a favor and split in the night.”

“Oh ho ho,” Trixie chuckled, tugging at the worn and rather damp-looking hat on her head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Trixie just went back for Trixie’s hat, and Trixie came back bearing food for you - is that how you greet ponies who bring you food?”

“As long as it isn’t pineco-” Rainbow Dash was shut up by a teal hoof in the mouth, and Lyra laughed.

“What she meant to say was, we’re very grateful for you bringing us food and please give it here I’m starving.” The last words came out in a rapid jumble, and Trixie chuckled.

“Trixie will - but first, you must acknowledge Trixie by Trixie’s true title,” she said, sticking her nose up in the air.

“What?!” Rainbow Dash and Lyra said as one, leaning forward in anger.

“Trixie is kidding!” she said, laughing. “Here, Trixie found edible plants and the good mushrooms. Not the bad ones, those are awful. Trixie supposes they’re sort-of fine if you’ve eaten some bad food.”

The edibles were levitated to Rainbow Dash and Lyra, who tucked in without a further word, and Richard put his own burden down.

Lyra stopped eating, and looked to Richard. “Have you eaten yet?” she asked.

Richard nodded. “You two slept like logs, so I started up a fire and cooked myself some hydra.” Richard held up fingers. “Very stringy, not unlike fish.”

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash said, nodding thoughtfully as she chewed on a mouthful of unspecified greens. “So that’s where the campfire came from.”

“How did you eat without taking your helmet off?” Lyra asked, curious.

“Easy,” Richard said. “I didn’t. I took the helmet off and ate, and when I was done, I put it back on.”

Lyra bounced up and down in mock rage. “Aaaaaaaugh! You finally take the helmet off, and I’m asleep! Why must you do this to me?”

Richard chuckled. “Sleep lighter, perhaps. I found the path again, it’s back that way,” he said, nodding towards the forest he’d just come from. “Shall we head to Hollow Shades, now? I’ve run into two creatures that wanted to kill me, now, and I feel like my luck’s running out. I’d like to get to where we’re going before I fight a dragon, if possible.”

Lyra chuckled, getting up, dusting off her lab coat, and stuffing the uneaten food into the pockets with her magic. “That’s never gonna happen. Dragons don’t live in the Everfree, and we’re not going to the badlands.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Richard grumbled. “Trouble has ways of finding me. I never thought I’d ever demolish a building, for example. And here we are, one levelled building later.”

Rainbow Dash scooped up the food she hadn’t eaten, and after a moment’s thought, crammed it into her mouth. “‘oo ‘estroy’d a ‘ilding?” she mumbled.

Richard looked at her. “I admit - I’m impressed with how you can cram that much food into your mouth at once.”

Rainbow Dash seemed quite proud of that. “‘anks.”

“Did Trixie hear you say you were going to Hollow Shades?” The mare in question asked.

“Yes,” Richard said. “Why?”

“Trixie thinks that she would like to go with you to Hollow Shades,” Trixie decided. “Put on a show, try to earn some money. It’s high time she freshened up her act.”

Richard looked at the other two mares; they were both silently mouthing “no”. That meant, Richard knew just what the answer would be.

“Sure. Welcome aboard.”

+==[~~~]==+

“So,” Twilight asked brightly. “Where to now?”

The truck idled outside a store declaring itself to be the “Richmond Market”, and the cabin was filled with all sorts no-cooking-required, high-energy food and drinks - namely chocolate (Carpenter said it was going to expire soon, and it would be a waste not to), bottles of cola (For the caffiene, to keep them awake), and a few packets of crisps (So they were eating things that weren’t sugar). Accordingly, Twilight and Carpenter were hopped up on sugar to the eyeballs.

“Well,” Carpenter said, licking bits of chocolate off his fingers, “From here, we just have to rip down that highway and cross the border. Used to be a major crossing point, so we shouldn’t be running into any kill-bots.”

“Kill bots?” Twilight asked, as the truck shuddered and began to roll out.

[Robots, lil’ miss,] Palladion said, once more sitting in the back of the truck. [Much like myself, only without that winnin’ charm, transfer ability, and a distinct lack of spurs goin’ jingle jangle jingle as they ride merrily along.]

“Um,” Fluttershy said, calmer than Twilight or Carpenter by dint of eating an actual meal, and not chocolate, “Palladion, you don’t have spurs.”

[It’s a metaphor, little lady,] Palladion argued. [Presumably. I don’t have enough information to tell what it’s a metaphor for, exactly, but whatever it is, I’m sure those metal varmints don’t.]

“So... robots that can cook, then?” Twilight giggled.

[Hey, now, it weren’t that bad,] Palladion defended. [Why can’t you be like Fluttershy and just eat your vittles?]

“Because they were inedible!”

[Humph. Anyway, gettin’ back on the horse, beggin’ your pardon,] Palladion went on, [Kill bots is nasty lil’ varmints armed with six-shooters the size of all get out - at least. A little data minin’ tells me that some even come with laser weapons, if y’ could believe that.]

“I don’t believe it!” Twilight shook her head.

“Believe it,” Carpenter nodded. “The military was playing with lasers, last I checked. Slowpokes,” Carpenter added, “I’d have been playing with them earlier if Greene had just put a thousand lasers on the requisition form.”

Twilight shook her head. “So, what’s a laser weapon, exactly?”

[Laser weapons,] Palladion let out a low whistle. [Bullets made of light, and actions made from circuit boards. Put a hole in you fast as blinking, if everythin’ works right. Wouldn’t mind gettin’ a couple of them, but they’re military upgrades, and I lack the hardware and drivers to support ‘em, more’s the pity.]

“So, there’s a chance we’ll be shot at with these things?” Twilight asked.

“Well, less than we would if we tried to cross elsewhere, certainly,” Carpenter nodded. “Ideally, we’d breeze on through, but we’re operating by Murphy’s Law today.”

“What’s Murphy’s Law?” Fluttershy asked, curious. “Is it like the robot Laws that Asimov made?”

“Not really,” Carpenter shook his head. “It goes like this: If something can go wrong, it will.”

“That’s very pessimistic.”

“But,” Carpenter pointed out, “It’s absolutely true. When was the last time you banked everything on nothing going wrong, and nothing actually went wrong?”

Twilight opened her mouth, and closed it again. “I... see your point. So we should expect to be shot at by lasers, then?”

“Probably.” Carpenter shrugged. “I’ll drive as fast as I can.”

+==[~~~]==+

“Tell me you have something,” Tulip said, drumming his fingers on his desk, the thudding the only real noise in the otherwise quiet office.

Across the desk, Derrick Lynch was squirming, only mildly thankful he’d managed to make enough progress on the armory break-in to avoid whatever penalty Tulip had had in mind last night.

“Well,” Lynch said, placing a folder on the desk. “I’ve gone through a quarter of all the people we have here at the fort; they’ve all checked out clean, with various alibis and proof they can’t have been at the armory all night.”

Tulip leaned forward. “Have you heard anything about Specialist Oss?”

“Kay?” Lynch shook his head. “I haven’t heard anything of the guy for a while now. He’s been very quiet.”

“That’s what worries me,” Tulip said, sitting back. “He’s up to something. Have you checked him, yet?”

Lynch nodded, referring to his notes. “I have; logs from an electronic lock says his access card was used to get into his barracks at 8pm, and nobody used the door until he left at 8am for his shift.”

Tulip sat back. “So he can’t possibly have been involved?”

“I don’t think so,” Lynch shook his head.

“Regardless of who you do find to be suspicious,” Tulip said, leaning in close, “Keep an eye on Oss. Him staying in his barracks all night seems a little too convenient. I think he’s up to something.”

“What’s he up to?” Lynch asked.

Tulip frowned. “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be asking you to keep an eye on him, now, would I? In any case... it involved taking things from the armory. I doubt it’s going to go quietly.”

+==[~~~]==+

The trio of ponies and their accompanying human walked down the quiet forest path, enjoying the sunlight. Even Richard was able to relax just a little, only looking at the sun once every ten minutes or so. Trixie was remarkably quiet, walking carefully to avoid things brushing against her burns.

“So, Richard,” Lyra asked. “How do you feel about ponies now?”

Richard made a noncommittal grunt. “About the same.”

“Are you sure about that?” Rainbow Dash asked, taking to the air and flying backwards to look Richard in the visor. “Didn’t you just get eaten by a hydra, to save a bunch of ponies?”

“Rainbow Dash is right,” Trixie pointed out. “Trixie would not be here if you had not gotten yourself eaten on purpose.”

“I didn’t get eaten to save you,” Richard said, flatly. “I got eaten to kill the hydra and save myself. I’ve been told the best way to kill a hydra is from the inside.”

“Really, now?” Lyra smiled smugly, the smile of someone who is pretty sure they know the truth.

“Yes, really.”

“Trixie is sure we have quite some time before we will arrive at Hollow Shades,” she said. “Perhaps we could pass the time with a story?”

Lyra brightened. “Sure. Richard, would you oblige us? Tell us a little more of yourself.”

Richard sighed. “Do I have to?”

“Yes!” Lyra nodded. “It’s either that, or take off the suit so I can examine you.”

Richard visibly cringed, and Rainbow Dash leaned in close to Lyra. “That might have been just a wee bit cruel.”

“But,” Lyra whispered back, “He’ll finally take the helmet off! I get to study him, he gets more used to being around ponies without hiding inside that ridiculous shell of his! It’s the perfect plan!”

“Alright,” Richard grunted. “I’ll tell you about the one good thing ponies ever did for me.”

“What?” Lyra blurted. “Your helmet! Wouldn’t that be easier?”

Richard’s head froze, as if he was blinking slowly. “...or I could talk and tell you a story like you wanted, and not get surprise-dosed.”

Lyra frowned, and Rainbow Dash grinned. “Nice plan, genius.”

+==[~~~]==+

It all started how most days end - after a harrowing day at work. My day was just a little more harrowing than usual, since I’d had to fight my way through a crowded mall to escape a strange and peculiar fate.

Ponies were accepted as a part of life by then; no different from man than a black man from a white man. Equal, but separate. Conversion Bureaus were dotted throughout the world, clinics where a man could become equine for free, even managing to shake off any illness he might have had. The mall was half-filled with them. Hell, even my job involved dealing with a significant portion of the smaller variety.

It was like someone threw a switch. All over the mall, ponies started acting odd. “Why haven’t you gone to a Bureau, Carl?” “I think you’d look lovely as a pony, let’s make you a booking!”

Now, while some people don’t take kindly to suddenly being pressured into going pony like that, everyone was at least a little weirded out; from what I heard, most conversations more or less one-eightied to change topics like that. Even the little foals I worked with, they blurbled and asked the very same sort of questions.

Damned terrifying.

Then came the pegasi - they broke through the glass ceilings, got glass everywhere, cut up something fierce. Didn’t seem to notice it; and just started hurling small vials everywhere.

Now, ponifcation serum, potion; I’m not sure exactly how it’s made, but the end result is basically magic, purple water. Tastes like grape, apparently. Unicorns used to do the spell, but after a while, we switched to having them do it into vast tanks of water, so we could produce more potion, faster. But here’s the thing; for it to work, a human had to drink it. Not too bad, right?

We saw those purple vials, and some of us probably thought - is that potion? Why are they throwing potion? It smashed and landed on people, and they got more upset than worried. Since ponies, wierd was kind of commonplace, the unusual became the usual. How else do you deal with a neighboring land of magic?

That changed pretty fast. People started transforming right then and there; friends and bystanders rushed to undo collars and remove choking hazards, that sort of thing; human friends and bystanders, that is. The ponies just stood there, sort of... idle. It took about... thirty seconds for all the transformations to finish, and the results to stop morphing. People started confronting ponies, asking them what the hell was wrong with them, why would they do that.

The response was simple: We had to become one of them, join the herd. Damned creepy to hear it more or less in unison from every pony asked. Earth ponies and unicorns filed into the mall, distributing more vials of potion and bandoliers to ponies that had just transformed. “A gift from the princess,” they called it, “wouldn’t they share it?”

Those newfoals got up right quick - unusually quick, it takes half a day for conversion to wear off in the average case. It had been a minute or two.

Now, the motto of Conversion Bureaus was very simple: “The Choice Is Yours”. All about choice - standard procedure required informed consent and plethoras of standard questions. Stood to reason that somewhere along the line, somehow, the people who’d just been ponified had asked for it in some sort of elaborate hoax or prank, right? Publicity stunt?

Those newfoals got up, and turned to their friends, family, good samaritans who’d helped them escape death by choking on collars.

“Won’t you join us?” they asked, and threw the potion they’d been given.

Everyone got it pretty fast around then - these ponies weren’t here to play, they were here to impose a will, to attack unconverted humans. Panic happened. People ran, only to be chased down. People hid, only to be rooted out. People fought, only to be subdued.

In that mess, only the lucky got out; dodge one pegasus, get tackled by an earth pony. Dodge a bullet as your friend gets tackled down, shit yourself in fear as something invisible grabs your shirt and pulls you back.

I’ll not bore you with how I got out of there. But suffice to say, by the time I got home, I wasn’t wearing many clothes; boxer shorts, socks and a singlet. I rolled out of my car, and limped to the  door, I’d twisted an ankle somewhere along the line. All throughout town, the same shit was going down everywhere; I’d had to take the law into my own hands and go through one or two ponies, my car’s windshield was cracked where a pegasus had tried to crash through it, and bounced off.

I got into my house, and shut the door behind me; I was sure nothing had followed me to my house. Turned around, ran for my bedroom. Got some clothes on, grabbed my home-defense gun. Ran out. Shit myself when something jumped from a table next to the door, and clawed it’s way up my arm.

It was my cat, Bastard. A mangy, sorry excuse for a housecat, all told. Didn’t used to be called that, but after a half-dozen years of being called one, it didn’t answer to anything else. I repeated the tradition, called him a bastard, and shook him off my shoulder as I walked through my kitchen. Tactical mistake, there; my kitchen has cupboards and cabinets that don’t go all the way to the ceiling; there’s a big gap near the top, big enough for some boxes...

Or a pony. I don’t know how the fucker got inside, probably a broken window somewhere, but she had one of those bandoliers; I saw it clearly as she pounced, knocking me over and pinning me, as she kicked my gun under a cupboard. I fought with the unicorn hard, struggling to keep that vial away from me; but she was using that magic of hers, and unlike me, wasn’t tiring.

And yet, all of a sudden, she stopped trying to splash me, shrieking in pain; I looked, and probably saw the first time that Bastard ever did anything for me - he had his claws out, and sunk deep into the unicorn’s hindquarters. I squirmed away from the pony, and ran for it before Bastard was stopped. I made it out the door, even, before I got tackled again.

I was done, though - I was sore, I was exhausted, and I had nothing. The unicorn had wised up, too, holding the potion higher than I could reach as she pinned me down. She tipped the vial, and-

Boom. Her head explodes like a melon, and the potion falls towards me; a hand catches it, and throws it aside as the owner pulls the corpse off me, and helps me up. And you know what she says?

“Hey Dad, have a nice trip?”

I dusted myself off, and looked at her; tall as me, probably fitter, and wearing sturdy-looking motorcycle leathers, to go with the motorcycle parked on it’s side on the pavement outside my house proper. Someone I hadn’t seen properly for... what, two decades?

That was probably the only good thing that came out of all that - I got to see my daughter again, before the end.

+==[~~~]==+

“Trixie does not understand,” complained the show-mare. “Two decades?”

“Her mother and I split,” Richard grunted. “She said it was either my job, or her. I chose her, but it didn’t stop her splitting for greener pastures anyway, and taking our daughter - my daughter - with her. She bounced about America for a while, and I gave up trying to track her down.” Richard chuckled. “It was nice to hear she’d made it alright without her old man. B+ student in school, and an air force fighter pilot, apparently. Corporal Shirley “Ridgeback” Ides, one of the better pilots in her squadron, if not the air force altogether.”

“Sounds like a bright kid,” Rainbow Dash said. “What’s a fighter pilot?”

“Someone who flies a machine at very fast speeds, very carefully.”

“Like a wonderbolt, then!” Rainbow Dash looked to Richard for confirmation, and got a shrug.

“She goes fast, what can I say?” Richard shuddered. “Perhaps a little too fast for my liking. I was sure we were going to die on that motorbike.”

The party pushed past some fronds, and rounded a tree; sunlight hit them in the face, and they stared through a green tunnel, to decrepit, crumbling ruins.

“Hey, the castle of the pony sisters,” Lyra mumbled, fishing the map out of her pocket. “How did we get here?”

“Castle of the pony sisters?” Richard looked at the ponies. “Tell me that your world has not built a castle in honor of celebrities in the past.”

“Celebrities?” Rainbow Dash asked, incredulous. “This is the old castle of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, before they moved it to Canterlot, according to Twilight.”

+==[~~~]==+

The truck slowed to a halt once more, engine idling.

[What’s the matter, pardners?] Palladion asked. [Toilet break again?]

Carpenter shook his head. “No. We’re here at the checkpoint.”

Twilight and Fluttershy looked out the window at the road ahead; a series of buildings and fences were dotted around the road, and striped barriers hung low.

“Doesn’t look like any of those kill-bots you mentioned are around,” Twilight shrugged.

“I think that’s the idea,” Carpenter muttered. “We won’t know until we go and do something that warrants getting lasered.”

“Why do so many human things have a capability to hurt or kill somepony?” Fluttershy asked.

Carpenter shrugged. “America. Border defense is serious business.” He put the truck back into gear, and with a lurch, began to approach the barriers. “Now, show of hands - how do you guys want to do this? At full throttle, or slow and steady?”

“I vote for slow and steady,” Fluttershy said.

“I think taking it slow would be best,” Twilight agreed.

[This ol’ cowpoke reckons it’d be best if we took things nice and slow, moseyed on through the checkpoint real easy, like,] Palladion jumped on the bandwagon.

Carpenter frowned. “You guys are no fun. Well, I said show of hands. Nobody here has hands except for me, so-” Carpenter took his hands off the wheel briefly, holding them up. “That’s two votes for going fast, none against. We’re going fast!”

“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “That’s not fair!”

“La la la!” Carpenter sung, putting pedal to the metal. “I can’t hear you over democracy~”

The  truck built up speed, and Twilight used her magic to fasten her and Fluttershy’s seatbelts. Fluttershy moved as far back from the windshield as she could, feeling the mounting speed.

“I don’t like this!” She squeaked. “We’re going too fast!”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Carpenter laughed. “No such thing!”

The barrier approached, a simple wooden thing; it was designed to intimidate and prove a point, not actually stop a speeding, determined vehicle. Abandoned cars on the side of the road whooshed past, a rainbow spectrum of colors, and the truck bounced violently as it ran over shallow craters in the road. Twilight and Fluttershy cringed simultaneously.

With a smash of wood, the truck blew through the wooden barrier with ease, yellow and black splinters of wood flying everywhere. In a flash of khaki green, the truck flew past the booths, Carpenter honking the horn as loud as he could.

“I’ve always wanted to do this!” he laughed.

And suddenly, they were through once again, open road stretching out before them. Twilight tore her attention away from the road, and adjusted her wing-mirror to look behind them. She saw small machines starting to rise out of the roof of the buildings, and didn’t feel well when they swivelled to point at the truck.

“I think we found the laser things.”

There was a faint, distant thrum of power, and with a crimson lance of energy, the wing mirror was vaporized, reduced to molten metal and glass in an instant. Twilight flinched away from the beam of destruction.

[Whoa, nelly, pardners,] Palladion said, a tone of fear creeping into his normally flat voice. [We got us some turrets poppin’ up all over behind us!] A faint hiss was heard from behind the cabin. [Shoot! That one done got me in the heart! Thank my lucky stars I’ve got all this armor platin’! Still, y’all might wanna do something about those turrets!]

The lances of red energy picked up in frequency; red beams flashed to the left and right of the truck as Carpenter started to swerve the truck.

“All we gotta do,” he panted, spinning the wheel, “Is get out of range before we die, and we’re golden!”

“What’s the range of a laser turret?” Twilight asked.

[Well, lasers is light,] Palladion answered, [But the focal arrays for laser turrets like them’s good for about, what, ten miles, I reckon. Ouch!]

“We’ll never make it!” Fluttershy panicked. “We’re all going to die!”

Carpenter flinched as a laser punched through the back of the cabin next to his head, and melted part of the windshield with a sizzle of glass and a strong smell of burning. “Okay, so perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea. We are probably going to die.”

“No!” Twilight said, shaking her head angrily. “We are going to make it!” She racked her mind, searching for a way out. Teleport? Transmutation?

“Whatever you do,” Carpenter mumbled, seeing an ominous glow of energy behind them in his intact wing mirror, “Make it quick - I think I see what was making the craters on the other side.”

A turret twice as large as any other sat pride of place over the border crossing, and capacitors and signal lights glowed vibrantly, signalling the immense power being built up. The tip of the turret glowed red, and a beam larger than any that had come before shot out.

+==[~~~]==+

The quartet walked through the dilapidated halls, slightly in awe at the remarkably well-preserved hangings.

“You know, I never actually got around to looking at this place before,” Lyra said, “And I’ve been living what amounts to a stone’s throw away from it for most of my life.”

“Eh,” Rainbow Dash waved a hoof dismissively. “It’s okay - These aren’t the most exciting ruins ever. There isn’t even any quicksand or lava.”

“You’ve been here before?” Trixie asked.

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Once, when we had to defeat Nightmare Moon. That was pretty cool.”

“Nightmare what?” Richard asked.

“Nightmare Moon,” Lyra waved a hoof. “She returned and brought darkness to Equestria for all of like, six hours a couple of years ago. You don’t know about that?”

Richard shook his head. “Celestia told us the land of Equestria had been at peace for over a thousand years. No mention of any moon things.”

“Huh.” Lyra frowned. “Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon were the talk of Canterlot and most of Equestria for quite some time, it wasn’t a small event, the return of the Lunar Princess.”

“Trixie is confused,” Trixie said. “The Richard is not from Equestria, yet he talks of it as if he knows it?”

“There’s like, another world out there, where another Equestria is like, part of his world,” Rainbow Dash said, holding hooves up to emphasize. “Richard came through this portal thing, and now Celestia’s acting wierd, and Princess Luna’s asking to see Richard first, only Richard doesn’t want to go to Canterlot straight away because he’s a wuss-”

“Am not!” Richard retorted.

“-Are so- and he’s afraid somepony’s going to turn him into a pony.”

“Trixie doesn’t even know if there’s a spell to turn someone into a pony,” the showmare mused.

“Likewise,” Lyra muttered.

The party walked through the corridors in silence, the scrunch of old rubble the only sounds.

“Okay,” Richard said, “Let’s hurry up and find a way outta this place before nightfall. It’s giving me the heebie jeebies.”

+==[~~~]==+

Carpenter shut his eyes and waited for the inevitable beam of death. And waited. And waited.

“Carpenter!” Fluttershy cried. “The road!”

Carpenter opened his eyes and saw a strange thing - he frantically corrected the wheel first, scraping past a parked car by the barest of margins, before looking at it again.

“What the hell is this pink bubble?” He asked, and poked his head out the window, looking behind him to see the dome went all the way around the truck.

“A shield!” Twilight grunted, horn glowing as she maintained the shield. “Keep driving!”

Carpenter nodded, and floored it once more. “How are you doing that?”

“Magic!” Twilight said, breathing hard. “Go fast! Moving shields are hard!”

The truck revved its engine, and like a lumbering giant, roared down the abandoned highway.

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