TCB: A Kinder World

05 - A Slight Bump In The Road

The sun shone, and birds flew in the air; green trees swayed in the gentle breeze and sounds of wildlife were whispers in the air. The idyllic scene was punctuated by the rumble of an engine, and birds scattered as the machine approached.

Tall, green - decidedly not handsome - the truck rolled down the town’s main street, smoke belching from it’s smokestack. Light reflected off empty, vacant storefronts as the truck carefully slowed to get around an abandoned car in the middle of the road, swaying slightly with the heavy load on the back.

“What is this place?” Twilight asked, curious. “It seems... strange.”

“Eeeh,” Carpenter grunted. “I didn’t catch the name.”

[This here’s the wonderful town of Plessisville, Quebec,] Palladion supplied. [Population of... oh, seven thousand-odd? Give or take.]

“Doesn’t really matter,” dismissed Carpenter, “I’m only here for the gas.”

“Gas?” Fluttershy asked.

“Gasoline. Petroleum. Go-juice.” Carpenter patted the driver-side window sill. “To make this go. We ain’t getting to New York on a single tank of gas. And lard-ass in the back ain’t helping our fuel economy. We got spare tanks in the back, but I don’t wanna tap into those unless it’s an emergency. Ideally, I’d bring it all back to Forlorn Hope when we’re done.”

[It ain’t lard,] Palladion protested. [I’m just big-boned, is all.]

“Whatever. That’s where we are.”

“It’s very quiet,” Fluttershy observed. Carpenter snorted.

“Well, that’s because there’s nobody home. Ponies don’t wanna live out here, too bloody cold, and any humans out this way would have made their way or been brought to Laurier-Station by now.”

Twilight looked at the abandoned town. “It must have been something, when people were around.”

“Wait ‘til you see New York,” Carpenter grunted. “Probably shit yourself in awe. Here we go.”

The truck lurched as it slowed, and turned into a gas station, rumbling to a halt and squeaking as the brakes were applied. Carpenter killed the engine and sat back, sighing.

“Well, let’s get started. Twilight, I’ll start the petrol flowing; you keep an eye on it while I go have a nose around inside the shop.” Carpenter nodded at the abandoned storefront, lights flickering sporadically inside. “I’m jonesing for a smoke.”

“Uh, what?” Twilight shook her head, clearly not understanding. Carpenter sighed again, and levered his door open. With a thump of boots on concrete, he jumped out of the truck, and walked around it. With a small noise of satisfaction, he found the petrol cap and opened it. Twilight and Fluttershy leaned out of the truck, watching him work, and he nodded.

“Might as well get out and stretch your legs, you two - we got a long drive ahead of us.”

+==[~~~]==+

The day had passed on, and the two ponies and human were still walking along the forest path - to their relief, no unusual events had come to pass, and no manticores had shown up looking for a round two.

Richard grimaced as he walked along. “What on earth is that smell?”

Rainbow Dash sniffed the air. “Oh, swamp. We must be close to Froggy Bottom Bog.”

“Froggy Bottom-” Richard frowned. “You’re yanking my chain. Nobody calls a swamp that.”

“No lie, Richard,” Lyra called back.

“Who named locations in Equestria?” Richard asked. “Did they think about it at all? Really?”

“I don’t really see the problem,” Lyra shrugged.

“All your town names are horse puns,” argued Richard.

“I quite like them,” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “What do you humans call your cities, then?”

“Houston,” Richard supplied. “Albany. New York. See how not-stupid those names are?”

“Yawn,” Rainbow Dash mock-yawned. “Pass. Gimme Cloudsdale any day of the week.”

Richard opened his mouth to retaliate, but Lyra stopped, listening intently, and he held his tongue.

“What is it?” he asked, wary.

“I thought I heard somepony,” Lyra muttered. “Out that way.”

“Rainbow Dash looked, and glanced at the sky. “Hmm, that’s out towards Froggy Bottom Bog... we don’t want to go out that way, I think there’s still a hydra hanging about there.”

“Hydra?” Richard asked.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash nodded. “Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack found that out when it chased and tried to eat them.”

“And you’re saying you hear someone in Froggy Bog whatever-it-is?” Richard looked at Lyra, who nodded.

“Pretty sure. Sounded like they said “pinecone” to me.”

Richard sighed, and rubbed his helmet, muttering to himself. “My side-track sense is tingling.”

“We can’t just leave them to find out about the hydra on their own, right?” Rainbow Dash asked. “We gotta tell them.”

“But... Hollow Shades!” Lyra frowned. “Canterlot! We’ve got an appointment with the Princess!”

“I vote for telling the mystery pony about the hydras,” Richard said, hesitantly.

Lyra looked at him. “What’s with the sudden love for ponies?” She asked, curious.

“The longer it takes for us to get to Canterlot, the better,” Richard stated. “I’m not keen on meeting the Princess. That said, I’m not keen on meeting the hydra, either, but... I’d rather take the hydra.”

Lyra sighed. “Well, it was over this way, I think. Let’s go.”

The party made a sharp turn, and left the beaten path, pushing through the foliage towards Froggy Bottom Bog.

+==[~~~]==+

Twilight leaned against the truck idly, listening to the petrol pour into the fuel tank with a gurgle. She wrinkled her nose at the smell, as she looked around at the abandoned town; in passing, it didn’t look so bad, but now that she was taking a good look at it...

Windows were broken where looters had decided that walking an extra six steps to the door was too much hassle. Other buildings were boarded up, doors hanging ajar where things had managed to force their way in. Twilight thought she spotted vaguely humanoid shapes in one building, but closer examination had yielded faceless, featureless statues wearing human clothes.

In the meantime, Carpenter had ransacked the store, and having found a pack of cigarettes with relative ease, retreated to the bathroom to enjoy his prize. Twilight didn’t see the purpose of the little rolls of paper, but it seemed to make Carpenter happy, so she didn’t really care either way.

Palladion seemed content to just sit in the back of the truck in silence, and Fluttershy just cantered about the forecourt, looking around for something.

“What are you looking for, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.

“Flowers, or animals,” Fluttershy sighed, fluttering over to the unicorn. “There’s not a lot of either. I found a small flower, but it was just a dandelion.”

“No flowers anywhere?” Twilight asked. “Not even a flower-box?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Not even a flower-box. Even if there were people living here...”

Twilight looked out at the town again, seeing a plastic bag bounce and roll past. The sharp snap of metal sounded as the pump decided the tank was full, and cut off. “It’d still be missing something.”

“Mhmm,” Fluttershy agreed, looking at the sky. She gasped, and poked Twilight in the shoulder. “Look! Pegasi!”

Twilight obliged, getting up and stepping out from under the forecourt’s roof. Up in the sky, three specks drifted by; Twilight squinted at them, shielding her eyes from the sun with a hoof.

“Are you sure they’re pegasi?” Twilight asked, squinting harder. “They could be really big, wierd birds. I wouldn’t put it past humans to have strange animals.”

“I’m sure,” Fluttershy nodded. “Look, I think they spotted us.”

Sure enough, the dots had changed tack, going into a circular flight path; suddenly, they went into a dive, heading straight for the truck. Twilight flinched, and her eyes went wide as she recognized the lead pegasus, streaking down faster than either of the two pegasi flanking her.

“Twilight!” the pegasus shouted, plowing into Twilight and carrying her out the other side of the forecourt, hugging her with incredible strength and force. “Oh, Celestia! Twilight! It’s you!”

“Yes, it’s me!” Twilight gasped. “Rainbow Dash! What’s going on?!”

The cyan pegasus held Twilight at hoof’s length by her shoulders, and looked her up and down. Twilight did the same, noting the bandolier of vials across her friend’s chest. “What’s going on? What’s going on?!” Rainbow Dash repeated, tears forming in her eyes. “I thought you were dead! We all did!”

“Dead?” Twilight managed to squeeze out. “But I’m not dead!”

“But we thought you were!” Rainbow Dash said, hugging Twilight again. “Your brother was in tears over it! Celestia looked like she’d had her heart cut out! Your parents...” Rainbow Dash held Twilight out again. “They’ll be so happy! How in the wide world of Equestria did you survive the blast? Not a scratch on you!”

“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy flew out to the pair, and Rainbow Dash’s mouth hung agape in surprse.

“Fluttershy? What are you doing out here?” Rainbow Dash frowned as the two pegasi that had followed her finally caught up, and looked back at Twilight. The unicorn flinched as she saw Rainbow Dash’s eyes - they had glazed over ever-so-slightly, pupils dilating a little more than they should be. “Actually, what are you doing all the way out here, Twilight?”

“I’m... travelling back to Equestria?” Twilight guessed.

“How?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Walking? That’s ridiculous! Come on, I’ll carry you back, we can be back in Canterlot by the end of the day!”

“No!” Twilight shook her head, then realized her mistake. “I mean, no, Rainbow Dash. I can’t leave my friend behind.”

“Friend?” Rainbow Dash looked around. “Where are they?”

“He’s in the back of that truck,” Twilight lied, “I’m driving the truck to Equestria, so I can bring my friend with me.”

“Your friend... is he one of us?” Rainbow Dash asked. If her eyes had unsettled Twilight before, now they were downright disturbing, having morphed into slits; Twilight swallowed her revulsion and shook her head.

“No, he’s not a pony.”

“Really, now?” Rainbow Dash motioned to one of her pegasi, who drew a glass vial of potion from the bandolier on his own chest. “Let’s fix that, shall we? Can’t have him missing out on all...”

Rainbow Dash darted over to the back of the truck; the cover was down, and so obscured what lurked within. With a look to the potion-carrying pegasus, she hooked a hoof into the cover, and whipped it up.

“The fun!” she yelled, and the pegasus pitched the vial; there was a smash, and a splash of fluid. Twilight winced, and hoped Palladion didn’t blow it.

[Well, now,] Palladion said, disapprovingly. [That’s a fine how-do-you-do, isn’t it? You done got purple fluid all over me!]

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash asked, confused, “What’s going on? Where’s Twilight’s friend?”

[Twilight’s friend?] Palladion asked, chuckling. [That’s me, missy.] Palladion’s drill began to spin slowly, a gentle threat. [Is this a friend of yours, Twilight?]

“Yeah,” Twilight nodded, catching up to her decidedly anomalous friend. “This is Rainbow Dash. She’s my friend.”

[Humph,] Palladion said, letting the drill wind down. [She didn’t make much of a first impression, throwing purple stuff at me like that.]

“I’m so sorry,” Rainbow Dash said, looking at Twilight with once-more normal eyes. “I thought he was a human.”

“That’s okay, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight nodded. “We all make mistakes, sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. “I guess we do. What’s the plan Twi?”

“Oh,” Twilight said, caught off-guard. “I was going to drive Palladion to Equestria, he wants to be a pony, doesn’t he?”

[Oh yeah,] Palladion’s tiny little sensor-cluster head bobbed up and down. [Sure as sunshine, this old cowpoke wants to see things from a different perspective.]

“Riiight,” Rainbow Dash nodded slowly, then looked back at Twilight. “I’ll fly on ahead to Equestria, let them know the good news!”

“That’s... great, Rainbow!” Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “You do that!”

Rainbow Dash gave Twilight one last hug. “I still can’t believe you’re alive! You gotta tell me how you got out of that Library in one piece! The explosion was massive!”

“Explosion?!” Twilight blurted out. Rainbow Dash didn’t seem to notice the discrepancy.

“Yeah,” she barelled on. “It was titanic! We thought nopony survived - there were ponies who were outside when that bomb went off, and they didn’t last long; we dug through that rubble for days, Twilight, didn’t find a thing of you! I guess now we know why, huh?” Rainbow Dash nudged Twilight excitedly. “Oh, this is just so awesome! I- oh.”

Twilight looked on as the pegasus sagged visibly, and landed. The Rainbow Dash in front of her was clearly wrong, but she couldn’t shake the empathy she felt for the pony who looked like one of her best friends.

“Rainbow? What’s wrong?”

“You didn’t hear?” Rainbow Dash asked, sadly. “I... forgot for a moment that... Applejack and Rarity...”

“Applejack and Rarity...?” Twilight pressed onwards. “Did... something happen to them?”

“They’re... they’re gone, Twi,” Rainbow said, sadly. “They never made it back from the human fort two nights ago, and we didn’t notice in all the confusion when they captured the Princess. We hope they just got lost, or something, but...”

“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight patted the pegasus on the side, “You found one friend you thought was dead today - perhaps you’ll find Applejack and Rarity, too. Go, I’ll be fine - you keep searching, I’ll make my way to Equestria with Fluttershy. We’ll be fine.”

Rainbow Dash sniffed, and smiled. “You’re right, Twi. I reckon if anypony can do it, I could. Thanks.” The pegasus lifted off again. “You always knew just what to say.”

Twilight waved a hoof slowly as Rainbow Dash motioned to her two followers, and the trio took wing. A few drops landed on the ground, and she was gone. Twilight watched Rainbow vanish into the distance, and Fluttershy looked back at the store.

“Um, Mr. Carpenter, she’s gone.”

There was movement inside the store, and Carpenter got up from behind a low magazine rack, and staggered to the door.

“Thank fuck,” he said as he pushed through it, returning a handgun back to it’s holster on his hip. “My knees were killing me. Is the pump finished?”

Twilight nodded. “Finished a little while ago.”

“Then let’s make like trees and get the fuck out of town before that pegasus comes back.”

+==[~~~]==+

Richard parted the foliage with a rustle as he walked through it; ahead of him, Rainbow Dash flew above the low foliage, and Lyra used her magic to clear her own path.

“Ah ha, yes,” a faint voice mumbled, “was there ever any doubt?”

“Huh,” Rainbow Dash frowned. “I know that voice... it’s right on the tip of my tongue...”

“Aaaugh,” the voice sighed. “If only you were a nice dandelion sandwich...”

“Eugh,” Lyra grunted. “The voice is... for some reason, I just want to... dump cold water on her or something. I don’t know why.”

“Oooh,” Rainbow Dash tapped her temple with a hoof. “It’s... it’s... ah! It’s that showmare that claimed she could vanquish an Ursa Major! Her name was-”

“Trixie should have more faith in her talents,” the voice muttered. “Trixie will make it, not far now. Just this accursed bog to get through. Ah ha! Oh, wait, those aren’t the good mushrooms. Trixie remembers those ones.”

“This “Trixie” had better be a second, very quiet pony,” Richard grunted. “I’m starting to regret voting for common decency.”

“Yeah, likewise,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Last time she came to town, she made foals of me, Applejack and Rarity, and would have gotten the town utterly destroyed by an Ursa if Twilight hadn’t stepped up and shown her how it was done.”

“Not your most favorite pony in the world, then, huh?” Lyra asked, grinning.

Rainbow frowned. “Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” she said, “Talking about herself in the third person, ego the size of Twilight’s hot air balloon, and a reputation built on lies and trickery. Although I think her reputation’s been trashed - word got out about how she couldn’t handle the Ursa Minor.”

“She sounds like an asshole,” Richard voiced an opinion. “If someone was like that on Earth, they’d probably get a knuckle sandwich sooner rather than later. They usually do.”

“Knuckle sandwich?” Lyra asked.

“Knuckles are this part of my hand,” Richard pointed at his right-hand knuckles with his left hand. “A knuckle sandwich is a euphemism for attempting to put them at the back of someone’s throat.”

“Wouldn’t teeth get in the way?” Lyra asked. “You humans do have teeth, right?”

“That’s the idea,” Richard nodded.

“But... that’d hurt them!” Rainbow Dash pointed out. “Getting hit in the teeth with anything really hurts!”

“That’s. The. Idea,” Richard repeated, nodding more vigorously.

“Wow,” Rainbow Dash snorted, “Humans are mean. I don’t know why anypony would want to make a human a pony.”

Richard was about to respond, when he spotted the edge of the forest up ahead; just outside, a blue unicorn sat on a tree stump, facing away from them. Perched atop a ice-white mane was a frayed, worn purple hat with crudely-stitched stars on.

“Behold!” the mare’s voice rang out, much louder now, “Come one, come all! Watch in awe, as The Great and Powerful Trixie performs the greatest acts of magic ever witnessed by pony eyes!”

“She’s still at it,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “Hasn’t changed a bit. Must be practicing.”

“For starters, the Great and Powerful Trixie will make this pinecone... disappear!”

The party watched as she produced a pinecone, holding it out in a hoof - then, with a reluctantly swift movement, it was brought to the unicorn’s face, and crunching was heard.

“Is she... eating the pinecone?” Lyra muttered. “That is... wow.”

“I guess times really are hard,” Rainbow Dash said, grimacing. “I feel kind of sorry for her. Pinecones? Really?”

The trio cleared the edge of the swamp unnoticed, as Trixie crunched away at her pinecone, and took in the scenery. Froggy Bottom Bog had a very... unique asthetic. For one, it was a bog largely devoid of surface vegetation of any sort; vast stretches of muddy, brown water were punctuated by small islands of mud and dirt, and the occasional tree. The bog stretched on for quite a distance, and Richard could see a small peak of stone against the horizon.

He considered his options.

+==[~~~]==+

“Oh, who is Trixie kidding?” the show-mare mumbled, coughing and clearing her throat. “Trixie’s career in magic is over.”

“With an act like that,” a voice said loudly, “I’m not surprised.”

The mare jumped, startled. She spun, and saw it. Tall, green... not exactly handsome, and with a featureless face that just stared at her. The natural response to scream in fright was suppressed when she saw the two ponies standing at his side; when she saw the rainbow-maned one, recollection was instantaneous.

A visit to a small town just out of Canterlot... a pegasus with the same colors demonstrating speed and skill... before she made her a laughing stock by spinning her own rainbow around her and zapping her with a thundercloud... oh dear. She’d never forgotten that pegasus’ name.

“They don’t call me Rainbow, and Dash, for nothing!”

Trixie, to her credit, had one hell of a poker-face. She suppressed the scream, and adopted an air of indifference; all in the name of avoiding that one dish worse than the pinecone she’d just eaten - humble pie.

“I- ahem, Trixie did not hear you approach,” she said, sitting up straighter. “Who are you to criticize the Great and Powerful Trixie?”

Good save, she patted herself on the back mentally. Kept your cool, and still asked what that thing is, without sacrificing what’s left of your dignity. Celestia knows we have precious little of that left.

“Who I am is none of your business,” the thing said, waving aside the protestations of the ponies at his side and neatly sidestepping her question. “But I’m here to tell you that this here is apparently hydra country. I’m gonna guess you know what a hydra is.”

“Of course Trixie knows about hydras,” she said. “Naturally, she knows that this is “hydra country”, as well,” she embellished. She decided to go for broke, see if she couldn’t impress the creature before her.  “Trixie is quite capable of dealing with such a little thing as a hydra - she even once vanquished an Ursa Major!”

“Ha!” Rainbow Dash snorted.

“I heard about that,” the thing said. “Buggered if I know what an Ursa Major is, but if it’s worse than a hydra, I take my hat off to you.”

“Worse than a hydra?!” Trixie exclaimed. “Foal! It is a gargantuan bear, made of stars and vicious claws! If I was not at Hoofington, the town would have been lost, for it was I who vanquished it on my own! Doubt not the magical power of the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“Magic, smagic,” the thing retorted.

“Well,” the unicorn on the thing’s other side said, bristling, “Richard beat a manticore in a fight - can you do that?”

“Naturally!” Trixie stuck her nose into the air. “Manticores are foals’ play for a unicorn of my power!”

“Whatever,” the Richard said. “I ain’t here to argue who ranks higher on the ass-kick-o-meter. I came here to tell you there’s probably hydras about, and that they’re nasty fuckers to deal with. You know that, so we’re done here.” He turned to each of the ponies at his side. “Let’s go, and leave the great and powerful Trixie to her pinecones. We’ve got a town to get to.”

“That’s right!” Trixie closed her eyes in triumph, striking a pose. “Flee from Trixie, lest she prove that she is better than you in every way!”

+==[~~~]==+

Richard froze, and stopped walking. Rainbow Dash stopped, and looked at him.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re letting that jibe get to you,” she whispered.

“I can’t believe I felt sorry for her,” Lyra said, shaking her head. “She is just...”

“Shh!” Richard held a finger up, listening hard; it was difficult when that blue unicorn wouldn’t shut up, but...

Bloop bloop.

“What’s that noise?” Rainbow Dash asked, before sniggering. “It sounds kinda like somepony farting in a bathtub!”

“Rainbow!” Lyra looked mildly astounded and amused at the same time. “That’s immature!”

“Farting in a bathtub,” Richard nodded. “Or a hydra waking up. I don’t see any ponies in bathtubs around here.”

The trio turned around, and faced Trixie once more. The showmare was still boasting and taunting, oblivious to the large shadows looming above and over her, pillars of scaly terror rising out of the foul, earthy muck that was the bog. Four pairs of reptilian eyes stared at her, and four serpentine tongues licked razor-sharp teeth.

“Trixie,” Rainbow Dash called out, not taking her eyes off the Hydra, “You’re great, we get it. Turn around, there’s a hydra right. behind. you.”

Trixie scoffed, eyes still shut. “Rainbow Dash, was it? Trying to trick me? It won’t work - The Great and Powerful Trixie is beyond your pitiful attempts to outwit her!”

“Trixie,” Lyra called out. “She’s not kidding. Hydra.”

“If you think Trixie is so easily tricked, think again,” Trixie declared.

“Hey, Ticksie!” Richard yelled. Trixie opened her eyes to fix him with a look for mangling her name, and he seized the opportunity, pointing behind her.

The alien gesture was not lost on Trixie, and she recognized the meaning. She sighed. “Trixie will not look, just because you mangle her name,” she declared. “I am all-knowing, all-powerful and all-seeing! And I know for a fact that there is no-”

Wham-chomp

The head of the hydra embedded itself in the mud ever so slightly as it took a titanic bite; where the stump had been, nothing remained, just a shallow divot that slowly filled with fetid water. The hydra’s head rose into the air, and after a moment’s pause, spat.

With a solid whud, the tree stump landed in the mud just in front of Richard, and was splashed by a stream of muddy water and dirt. To top it off, a pinecone bounced off the top of the stump and bounced off Richard’s visor. No blue unicorns.

Rainbow Dash and Lyra panicked.

“Oh Celestia,” Lyra breathed. “It ate her! Whole!”

“Nopony deserves to go like that,” winced Rainbow Dash. “Not even her.”

Richard didn’t take his eyes off the hydra, which was making an effort to swallow. “Rainbow, could the hydra chase us through the forest?”

“Uh, yeah,” Rainbow Dash nodded. “With ease - of all of us, only I could get away - and I am not leaving you two to get eaten.”

“How noble,” sighed Richard. “Fight it is, then.” He looked at what he had to work with, and at the hydra. “Fuck me, this is going to suck.”

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