A/N: I have no idea where this idea came from...... But I hope you enjoy it!

You awake the next morning to the sunshine crossing over your face, and sit up, grumbling about how this “Celestia” figure was just messing with you now. You rub the last bits of sleep from your eyes before opening them to find a mint green unicorn in front of you, watching you intently, a wide grin on her face.

“Um…. Can I help you?” You ask awkwardly, not knowing who she is, why she was there, or how long she’d been watching you.

In short, she scares you. A lot.

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!” she says, blushing deeply and putting a hoof to her mouth in what you guess is embarrassment. You wave off her concerns, and she seems to calm down a little. She takes a deep breath before speaking again. “Hi! I’m Lyra, we met outside the Mashed Mare a few days ago!” she begins, and you immediately hold up a hand to stop her.

“Wait…. ‘The Mashed Mare’?” You ask with a chuckle.

“Yeah, it’s the only bar in town.” she says slowly, seeming to contemplate your intelligence. You shrug.

“I never bothered to read the sign. So, what do you need?” you ask, slightly irritated at how early it seemed to be, and how often the locals seemed to need your help.

“Oh, straight to the point I see.” She says with a giggle. “Well, you see, I’ve been studying humans for years now, but there’s just too little information on your species since obviously there’s never been a human in Equestria before, so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to answer some questions for me!” she replies, seeming extremely elated. You look at her, dumbfounded at what you just heard.

“So let me get this straight….. There’s never been a human in Equestria before I showed up.”

“Right.”

“Then how have you been studying us? It seems kinda hard to study something that doesn’t exist in your world. It would be like me studying this princess Celestia I’ve heard so much about.” you say with a chuckle. She nods a bit, smiling sheepishly.

“I admit, it’s been hard, most of what I know is just rumors and conjecture. There’s a couple myths involving you’re species, but they’re just that. Myths. So, would you answer a few questions for me? Please?” she asks, looking at you pleadingly. She gives you the puppy dog eyes, and you break down.

“Fine.” you say with a sigh as you pull out your pack and light up again. “Ask away.”

“Alright, we’ll start with personal history. What is your full name?” she asks.

“Joseph Williamson.”

“Where were you born?”

“Charlotte North Carolina, united states.”

“Never heard of it, but that’s not surprising.” she says with a small giggle. “Age?”

“Thirty seven.” you say, getting tired of these seemingly pointless questions.

“Any family? Parents, siblings, spouse, anything like that?” she asks, making you sigh.

‘How many times do I have to go through this?’ you think to yourself. “I haven’t seen my parents in almost twenty years, I have a younger brother by the name of David, I’m married and have a three year old daughter.” you explain, your irritation obvious in your voice.

“It must be hard, being away from your family… I’m sorry.” she says, looking away for a moment. You wave off her concerns.

“I can deal with it. Thinking about it just makes it worse, so I don’t.” you say. She doesn’t seem convinced.

“Alright, anyway, last personal question, what was your occupation?” she asks, making you chuckle a little.

“I was actually a tech support guy for a big electronics company back home, called apple.” you say, remembering all the good times you’d had with your job back in the human world. She giggles a little bit.

“I have no idea what any of that meant, but a company called apple?”

“I know, right? Who names a company after a fruit!?” you ask with a laugh, and she begins to laugh with you.

“You’re funny, you know that?” she asks after the laughter dies down. You shrug.

“I get that a lot. I’ve also been called a smart ass, but what’s the difference?” she begins giggling again. Then she begins to ask you questions about your world. You don’t cover anything up. You tell her about war, about the poverty and homelessness seen throughout the world, about crime and drugs and what people will do to get them. She seems taken aback at what you tell her, but soon recovers from her initial shock.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” she says, still seeming shocked.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” you say, scrapping you cigarette across the ground to put it out.

“Why do you do that?” she asks, now giving you a confused look.

“Smoke?”

“Yeah.”

“Addiction. Stress relief.” you say before letting out a sad chuckle. “Who knows, maybe I’m just killing myself slowly on purpose.” she seems to be confused and horrified by very concept.

“Why did you start?” she asks, taking seat next to you. You shrug.

“I don’t know. It was the cool thing when I was a kid. It was also better for my life expectancy than doing some of the other shit that was popular back then.” you say with a laugh. “I may not have been immune to peer pressure, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that most of that shit would mess me up for life, so I stayed away from it.” you say, looking towards the sky for a moment. “What time is it?”

“It’s about noon, I’d say.” she answers, to which you nod.

“Well I’m going to the bar now. I guess I’ll see you later Lyra.” you say as you stand and walk away. You hear her mutter something, but you can’t make out what. You brush it off as you get to the bar door, but realize that you might have bigger problems on your hands. You can hear arguing from inside the bar, and the crash of chairs falling over.

“I AM FINE, DAMMIT… I shwear ah’m not drunk dude, I I-I-I promise, ah‘m sorry.” you sigh, recognizing the female voice. You step inside to see the all too familiar gryphon stumbling around the room with a bottle in her claw. You shake your head.

“GET OUT YA TROUBLE MAKIN’ SHIT HEAD!” the barkeep yells at Gilda. You raise a hand for a moment.

“She’s with me Shamrock. Though I now wish she wasn’t.” you explain, muttering the last part under your breath. Gilda turns to face you and smiles broadly.

“JOE! Hey man, what’s up?” she asks, stumbling drunkenly towards you. “It’s been too long.” she says, slurring her words rather badly.

“Gilda…. How much have you had to drink today?” you ask, shaking your head as she throws an arm around your shoulder, now standing on her hind legs.

“Ah’m fffffiiiinnne, jeez bro, you should buy me dinner before getting up my ass.” she says with a wink. You sigh heavily.

“Gilda, I think you’ve had a bit too much.”

“Well I don’t think you’ve had enough, hot stuff.” she says with a giggle. “Let me buy you a drink.”

“You know I actually planned on drinking, but with how drunk you are I think I’ll pass this time.” you, brushing her arm away off your shoulder. “I also think you should go lay down for a bit, maybe drink some coffee.” you suggest, walking towards the door. You hear the sound of claws on wood as she scrambles after you.

“Hey man, come on, I’m just havin’ a bit of fun with ya, no need to get all pissy.” she says with a laugh as she cuts you off, standing between you and the door. She then gets a sly look in her eye, and it worries you slightly.

“Can I help you? If not, than I should be going.” you say, anger in your voice. She smiles slyly and places a claw on your chest.

“Oh, you can help me alright.” she says with a wink. In an instant, she has a grip on your shirt and pushes you roughly into a nearby wall, placing her other claw on your arm to prevent any kind of escape. “You can help me a lot.” she says with a giggle. Before you can respond, she shoves her beak up to your mouth, opening it slightly. Your eyes shoot wide open, both at how any beaked creature could manipulate their beak in such a way, it being almost as hard as rock, if not harder, and at what was happening. You hear her moan slightly as she begins to get into it, and soon feel her tongue force it’s way into your mouth. You begin to protest as best you can, and eventually she takes the hint and backs up, releasing her grip and taking multiple steps back, looking away in shame.

“What the FUCK WAS THAT!?” you ask as you wipe your mouth with your arm.

“I-I-I….” she stutters, blushing brightly. You don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but ignore it, considering the other impossible things you’ve seen in this world. “I…. I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink… I don’t know what happened, I’m sooo sorry Joe, I just…..” she groans, sounding angry for some reason, and then rushes out the door. You shake your head and then look at the barkeep.

“Thanks for the help.” you say sarcastically. He shakes his head.

“I’m in just as much shock as you, lad. Besides, not much I could’a done to help ya.” he says. You look at the horn on his forehead.

“Sure. Sure there wasn’t.”

He chuckles lightly. “Looked like you were enjoyin’ yerself lad. Didn’t think I should interrupt.” he says, breaking out into full blown laughter. You just sigh and shake your head as you walk out the door.