Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.

Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

- - - - - - -

The path brought them to the edge of Everfree Forest, where no sane pony would venture without heavy armament, magical protection, or a good reason.

And even then, with a good reason you'd feel more comfortable with the first two.

Of course, that was assuming you were sane, which the Doctor supposed was debatable with this group. But then, that was always the case with the ponies he ended up adventuring with. He wasn’t really bothered by it anymore.

"So, how do we let Zecora know we're out here?" Twilight asked.

"Anyone bring some fireworks?" Spike asked sarcastically. The Doctor hummed.

"Well, she does have a good sense of smell... And you said she's been affected by the heat too, right Spike?"

"Right," Spike said. The Doctor looked over at Fluttershy, who flushed.

"Ah... Y-Yes?" She asked.

"Fluttershy, this is vitally important," the Doctor said. "We need you to flap your wings hard enough to send our scent out into the forest.” He indicated himself, Spike and Big Macintosh.“Oh, and Soarin’.”

He frowned and trotted over to the wagon. He held up his sonic screwdriver and scanned the unconscious stallion with it.

“Blimey! I think he's taken a serious hit!” The Doctor said. “Twilight, know any healing spells?”

“One,” Twilight said. She grunted and rolled herself closer to Soarin’. Her horn lit up and she closed her eyes. “Let me focus...”

“Hang on, I’ll guide you,” the Doctor said. "That's strange... I didn't hit him, I just used chloroform. How on Equestria did this happen?"

"Um..." Applejack said in an embarrassed tone. "Ah... Well... Tyin' him to mah back was a bit more labor intensive than ah thought it would be. Sorry."

"You had better make it up to him, poor dear," Rarity said. Applejack licked her lips.

"Ah can think of a few ways..." At the Doctor's glare, Applejack coughed and smiled innocently. "Sorry."

The Doctor sighed. He looked over at Fluttershy. “Beat your wings for Big Mac and Spike then, I need to live up to my title.”

“What? It’s not your real name?” Rarity asked. The Doctor grinned as he tightened the scan of his screwdriver.

“Nnnope.”

“Ooh... How mysterious,” Rarity said, looking at them while resting her face on her hooves. “Though this does complicate any wedding plans you might have, Twilight. I mean, I don’t think I like the sound of ‘Doctor Sparkle’, so he can’t take your last name... But Mrs. The Doctor... What is your real name, Doctor?”

“It’s really quite boring, you wouldn’t want to hear it,” the Doctor said, squinting a bit. “Ooh... A bit of fluid building up.” He gave Twilight a wry look. "I think Applejack gave him a concussion."

“I can see it,” Twilight said. She gave Applejack a look. "Geez, I knew you were strong but this...?"

“Ah was improvising!" Applejack said defensively.

"It's all right Applejack. Given his behavior, it was only natural to assume he was a bit thick headed," the Doctor said with a smile. Applejack glared.

"Hey!"

"Take it easy, Applejack. He's just kidding," Twilight said.

"Indeed. I should have realized though that despite the way I dispatched him, he's certainly no mook," the Doctor apologized. "Sorry."

Twilight gave her would be mate a wry look. “This happen often?”

"More often than you might expect. Or less, depends on your expectations," the Doctor said with a shrug.

“You know, it might be nice to take the time to get to know each other better. Just in case we need Plan B,” Twilight suggested, smiling warmly at the Doctor.

“Twilight? Concussion?” The Doctor pushed.

“Oh! Oh, right,” Twilight said. Her horn glowed brightly, and green flowers made of energy washed over Soarin’. The Doctor smiled.

“There we go! He’s going to be all right,” the Doctor said.

“Mmhm,” Twilight said. “You know, there are a lot of other spells I could show off-”

“Yes, well, I’m going to go check on Soarin’ from behind this wall of the wagon, hope you don’t mind...”

Twilight pouted.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, had been beating her wings hard with a wince, creating as much of a breeze as she could to send the scents of Big Mac and Spike into the forest.

“You sure this is gonna work?” Applejack asked. “Ah mean, Zecora’s nose is good but it’s a big forest.”

“Well, we’re kind of short on possibilities,” Rarity pointed out. “We could have Twilight put up a big signal, but who knows what that would bring. Maybe a pack of big, strong stallions all seeking to aid a poor mare in distress...”

“Oh my,” Fluttershy said, her tongue hanging out as she smiled dreamily. “That... That sounds wonderful...”

Spike couldn’t help a shiver at how Fluttershy’s voice dipped in pitch. It was incredible how... Enticing she could really sound.

“Uh, Big Mac? I think whatever you did is wearing off,” Spike said. Big Mac nodded.

“Eeyup.”

“... Shouldn’t we worry?” Spike asked.

“Nnnope,” he said. Spike scowled.

“Well yeah, you won’t...”

“Wish ah could say the same,” Applejack moaned. Spike jumped and looked over his shoulder at the hungry looking mare.

“APPLEJACK!”

“S-Sorry! Ah just needed some... Air...” Her eyes became half-lidded and she licked her lips. “Mmmm...”

“PINKIE PIE! ZECORA! GET OVER HERE NOW!” Spike bellowed.

“Owww... You don’t have to yell!”

Spike jumped again, landing on top of Big Mac. He looked down to see Pinkie Pie standing there with a sour look on her face... And numerous burns and scratches on her body.

“P-Pinkie Pie? How’d you get here so fast-?”

“BIG MAC!” Pinkie Pie wailed. She jumped around, looking intently at every pony (and dragon) she named. “TWILIGHT! RARITY! APPLEJACK! SPIKE! FLUTTERSHY! DOCTOR! WHOEVER YOU ARE! I NEED HELP!”

“Uhh... What happened?” Soarin’ groaned. “Who’s yelling? Why does my head feel like I got hit with something heavy...?”

“Never you mind!” Applejack said quickly, as Rarity shot her little smirk. “Pinkie Pie, what is it?”

Pinkie Pie sniffed.

“Those... Those big meanies took my Braeburn!” She pointed in the distance, as some familiar shapes flew off for Canterlot. “Look! LOOK! They stole my stallion! They are stealing my stallion!”

“Wait a moment,” Rarity frowned and held up a pair of binoculars to her eyes with her telekinesis. “Those are... Shadowbolts!”

“What? Shadowbolts?” Twilight gasped. She yanked the binoculars out of Rarity’s “grasp” and looked herself. “No! It’s impossible, those were manifestations of Nightmare Moon’s power!”

“Now, wait a second, everypony, hold up,” Applejack said. “Sure you saw it right, Pinkie Pie?”

“I saw them myself! They’re Shadowbolts working for Princess Luna! They said it, I swear!” Pinkie Pie said desperately.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight Sparkle said flatly. “Nightmare Moon is gone forever!”

“Unless... Princess Luna’s heat has overtaken her, and now she’s reverted to Nightmare Moon!” Pinkie Pie gasped, galloping in front of the group to watch the tiny dots recede into the distant Canterlot.

“And now she seeks to have all the stallions to herself, and therefore take over the world!” Rarity cried.

“OF COURSE!” Pinkie Pie shouted dramatically, looked back over her shoulder.

Fluttershy trembled. “Take... All the stallions? But... But that’s so... So..." Her voice fell into a harsh whisper as she moved closer to Big Mac. "Mean!”

“That doesn’t make any sense though!” Twilight said. “I’m sure we dealt with her!”

“Well, even if it’s not Nightmare Moon, it’s still Princess Luna having stallions kidnapped,” the Doctor pointed out. “I mean, she’ll probably go after the most eligible bachelors in all of Equestria, and then some.” He indicated himself, Spike, Big Mac and Soarin’. “And let’s face it, we’re all pretty high up there on the list.”

Twilight’s eyes widened, and then narrowed. Rarity’s, Fluttershy’s, and Applejack’s followed suit. Pinkie Pie, not wanting to be left out, copied her fellow Elements of Harmony but ended up cross-eyed.

“I did want to wait for Zecora, but this changes everything,” Twilight said. She smacked Big Mac and Applejack on the rumps with her telekinesis. “Giddy-up, both of you!”

“Eep!” Applejack cried. She rushed back into her harness, and the two Apple siblings pulled the wagon down the road fast. The Doctor, Pinkie Pie, and Spike galloped after them, Pinkie helpfully pulling Spike up onto her back.

"Isn't anypony gonna tell me what's going onnnn...?" Soarin' cried, the sound quickly fading into the distance.

A few moments after they had gone...

“My glorious stallion, you’ve come for me! Mount me quickly so we can make whoopee!” Zecora cried lustfully as she leaped out of the forest. She skidded to a halt, panting, and looked around.

“I curse this forest, causing my delay. Oh well, no worries, they won’t get away,” the zebra enchantress said with a chuckle and green glowing eyes.

- - - - - - -

Prince Blueblood poked his head out of his carriage and gave the ponies pulling him an irritated look.

"Could you go any slower, you simpletons? I have an important meeting at Canterlot and I demand I arrive in a timely manner!"

"My apologies, your Lordship. We were out for a while last night," the first pony drawing him said, as the carriage crested one of the false summits that led up to Canterlot. Blueblood grumbled and pulled his head back into the carriage.

"This is intolerable... My schedule is very insistent on this." He held up up and read through it carefully. His mother felt that reading schedules aloud was good form for a prince and just to keep her happy (and the gold coming), he kept to the habit.

"Wake up... Did that. Eat. Did that too... Nap. Did that... Go to Princess Celestia and petition her for access to the fair and more funds... At this rate I shall miss my workout and lunch!" He whined. He held up a magic voice recorder to his mouth.

"Memo to myself: Have my personal trainers pull my carriage. Clearly they are in better shape..."

The carriage shook and Blueblood nearly fell off his hooves. "Ah! What?!" He poked his head out of the window and scowled at the pulling ponies.

"Oh, what is it now?"

"One of the wheels is stuck, Prince Blueblood," one of the ponies replied. "We'll have to get it unstuck."

"Oh... Fine, fine!" Blueblood sighed, looking down at the cluster of rocks the wheel was stuck in. He pulled his head back. "Just don't take too long about it!"

"Yes your majesty," the first pony dully replied, as he unharnessed himself. His companion, a younger pony, blinked quizzically at his senior.

"Why don't he use his magic to get himself unstuck? I mean, he has powerful telekinesis, right?"

"Ah, but if he did that, he wouldn't be a Prince now would he? Look it up in the dictionary. Prince, noun. A male pony who can't be bothered to do anything for himself," the senior servant replied dryly, as he dug out a shovel from the back of the carriage. He tossed it to the rookie. "Now, get digging!"

"Right sir!" He said. As he began his digging, he mumbled around the shovel handle. His senior frowned.

"What was that?"

"I said, I really wish I had a dictionary. I did not know that," the rookie said. The older pony chuckled... Then blinked as he saw that the rookie's expression had not changed at all.

"... Right then..."

- - - - - - -

"Can't we go any faster?" Pinkie Pie demanded, having caught up to the wagon and now sitting on the baseboard. The Doctor sat next to her, fiddling with his sonic screwdriver, while Twilight rested her head between them with an almost petulant look.

"We're pounding dirt mighty hard right now!" Applejack called back, a bit irritated. It was understandable though: Fluttershy was making eyes at Soarin', and as woozy as he was...

"Eeyup," Big Mac contributed.

"Ooh...! By the time we get there it'll be too late! My Braeburn will be drained into apple juice by Nightmare Moon!" Pinkie Pie wailed. "Twilight! Can't you do something?"

"Hmm... Well," Twilight said thoughtfully. "I do know the Haste spell..."

"Wait, wait! Not the Haste spell!" Spike cried. "You haven't perfected it yet!"

"What's the worst that could happen?" The Doctor asked. "The cart bursts into flames and then explodes, killing us all?"

"YES! EXACTLY THAT!" Spike growled.

"Pfft. I've been through plenty of explosions on carts that were speeding out of control," the Doctor huffed, running a hoof through his hair. "I came out all right!"

"Ooh! You mean, you've exploded more than once?" Pinkie Pie asked eagerly, holding her hooves together. "That's incredible!"

"Point is, I don't like exploding!" Spike growled. "And I'm sure everypony else doesn't like exploding either!"

"We could take a vote," Twilight suggested wryly.

"Yeah! If you're for exploding, say yay! If not, say neigh!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

"N-Neigh!" Fluttershy cried, pulling her eyes away from Soarin'.

"Neigh," Soarin' said, wincing a bit.

"Neigh!" Rarity cried.

"Neigh," Big Mac added.

"Neigh!" Applejack shouted.

At Spike's glare, the Doctor coughed. "Ah, neigh as well."

"Phooey!" Pinkie Pie huffed.

"All right... Let's vote on one other thing then," Twilight said carefully. "Who is in favor of getting to Canterlot as quickly as possible to prevent Princess Luna's Erotic Reign of Terror?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"'Erotic Reign of Terror?'" Rarity asked. "Really Twilight?"

"What? " Twilight said defensively.

"I dunno, I like it! Very dramatic," the Doctor complimented.

"Kind of corny," Spike opined.

"Still, my point remains. The sooner we get there, the better. And I can get us there with the Haste Spell safely if I combine it with a Shield Bubble spell," Twilight said.

"Ya mean the thing you did against Discord?" Applejack asked. "Well... Ah reckon that might work!"

"All in favor?" Twilight asked.

"Yay!" Cried the party. Twilight smiled and her horn glowed.

"All right... Everypony hang on!"

A bubble of magical energy, crackling with what appeared to be static electricity, formed around the wagon as well as it's pullers and passengers. It seemed to stick to the ground and shifted it's shape slightly in reaction to the terrain. Twilight's eyes glowed, and so did the wagon, Applejack and Big Mac.

"Okay... Here... We... Go!" Twilight cried. And in a flash, the wagon shot off like a purple comet, leaving a brilliant purple streak in it's wake.

- - - - - -

"Wow! Hey Towback, you hear that?" Asked the rookie. The senior puller of Prince Blueblood's carriage blinked and frowned.

"Yeah... Sounds almost like a train..." He slowly turned his head, his ears twitching. "Coming up right... Behind us..."

Over the hill below them, a giant purple bubble zipped up the road. Towback's eyes widened.

"ROOKIE! RUN!" He cried. He jumped off the carriage. "Prince Blueblood! Sir! Get out, quickly!"

The Prince stuck his head out the window with a sneer. "Now wait just a moment! I can't get out onto the common grass and soil! Not without some towels or a carpet! You must get those out before you-HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

The two employees ran and jumped behind a boulder. The Prince scowled and looked back.

"Just what's gotten into the-?"

The carriage was shattered into a million pieces by the passage of the bubble, which was not even slowed down. It was like a flower blooming and then bursting into a hundred different pieces. Towback and the rookie gaped from behind the boulder as the bubble continued on it's way up to Canterlot.

"... Uh... Towback?" The rookie asked.

"Yes rookie?" The older pony asked.

"... Do you think this will affect our performance reviews?" He asked.

Towback rolled his eyes.

"I'd call that a yes, Rookie. It's just a funny feeling of mine, mind you, but I've learned to trust them."

"Oh. Gosh, I hope I can have funny feelings like that when I'm your age," the rookie said reverently. "All I get are headaches!"

"That does not surprise me in the least, Rookie."

- - - - - - - - - -

"Ahhh! How do we stop this thing?" Spike cried as the sphere zipped up the road. The carriage they had run into had left a passenger on the front-A terrified looking white unicorn.

"Ah, hang on," Twilight said as she closed her eyes. "Trying to remember, remember..."

"Remember faster before he's turned into road kill!" Spike cried.

"We could just stop," Big Mac pointed out.

"Can you?" Twilight asked flatly. Big Mac frowned, looked at his hooves, and then back at her.

"Nnnope."

"Wha-We can't stop!" Applejack cried as her hooves continued hitting the ground hard. "TWILIGHT! Stop us!"

"Hang on, give me a second," Twilight said.

"That poor unicorn won't have more than a few seconds!" Rarity cried. "Oh my, and he's so big and strong, too!"

"Rarity!" Spike admonished.

"Oh come now Spike, let me have a bit of fun won't you?" Rarity cooed.

"Ahhh..." Spike shook his head free of distraction and looked to Twilight. "TWILIGHT! HURRY UP!"

"Don't you mean 'slow down'?" The Doctor asked.

"Not helping!" The dragon growled.

"Okay, okay... Got it!" Twilight's horn flashed, and the shield bubble vanished. Big Mac and Applejack slammed their hooves into the road and slid to a halt. The stallion had slammed into the ground in front of them, his face hidden.

"Oh my! You poor thing! Just a moment!" Rarity cried. She hopped out of the wagon and galloped over to the white unicorn, Fluttershy and the Doctor with her. "Are you all right? Speak to me!"

She dug out his head from the dirt and lifted it up.

"Humina... Commoners again? I'm surrounded... Hundreds of purple and pink ones," Blueblood slurred. Rarity blinked, then growled. She dropped the unicorn's head into the soil.

"Twilight dear? Do you know any spells for removing roadkill? Preferably with fire?"

Blueblood's eyes focused on Rarity, and he squeaked in terror.

"N-No! No you again! Oh why, why do you torment me?-EEP!"

"FLUTTERSHY!" Spike shouted. Fluttershy jerked her head away from Blueblood's extremities, her face bright red.

"S-Sorry! I was um, checking him for injuries."

"Darling, believe me, you're much better off pursuing another stallion. You have no idea where this one has been," Rarity consoled, guiding Fluttershy over to Big Mac. The purple maned pony licked her lips at Big Mac and trembled.

"I'm sure he can help your standards... Rise a bit."

Spike found himself digging his claws into his knees and gritting his teeth. Big Mac gave him an understanding look, while the Doctor looked over to the cart of companions.

"He's just fine. Even his head, quite thick isn't it?" The Doctor said, scanning the unicorn with his sonic screwdriver.

"It's the thickest head in all of Equestria!" Blueblood said proudly.

"Of course it is," the Doctor said with a nod. He looked over the gates of Canterlot with a smile. "Well! Bug on the windshield aside, we made it none the worse for wear. Smoother trip than some of mine in the TARDIS."

"The TARDIS?" Twilight asked curiously.

"Oh yes. My time traveling spaceship! It can go anywhere and anywhen in almost no time at all!" The Doctor said brightly. Spike perked up.

"Wait, wait, wait," Spike said with a scowl. "You have a time traveling spaceship?"

"Yes, I do," the Doctor said.

"Which can travel through... Space and time?" Spike pressed a bit further.

"Yes. Time and Relative DImension in Space, a TARDIS," the Doctor explained.

"So, if you have that... WHY DID WE TAKE A WAGON UP TO CANTERLOT?!" Spike bellowed furiously. The Doctor winced, and rubbed his ears.

"... Ah. Well. Knew I forgot something," the Doctor said, rubbing his chin. "Oh well! We're here now, that's what counts right?"

"Remind me to tear off your head," Spike growled.

"Fortunately for us both, it's not my only one," the Doctor said, helping Twilight out of the wagon.

"I kind of enjoyed it," Rarity said with a smile as she brushed her hooves through her mane. "Mmm... Fluttershy? Are you all right?" She looked around. "Ah? Where is she?"

The pink maned pony's head was down... Between Big Mac's legs. Said stallion's eyes were crossed.

"FLUTTERSHY!" Spike cried. Fluttershy lifted her head up, her cheeks bright red.

"S-S-Sorry! Sorry! Th-The pheromones...!" She looked up at the cart as Big Mac coughed and regained his composure. "Maybe I could try Soarin'-"

Applejack snarled. "Soarin' is MAH Plan B Fluttershy! Go get yer own!"

"I-I wouldn't mind so much," Soarin' admitted. He squeaked as Applejack's deadly glare reached him. "N-Nevermind!"

"CAN WE MOVE IT ALONG ALREADY?!" Pinkie Pie bellowed. "MY FUTURE HUBBY IS IN THAT CASTLE!"

"Oh! Yes! Well, let's get going!" Twilight said. "The sooner we get the Elements of Harmony, the better."

"It's a good thing that the annual Studly Stallions Fair for Manly Ponies isn't going on right now!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. Twilight blinked.

"That's... An odd thing to be thankful for, Pinkie Pie."

"Isn't on? It IS on!" Blueblood huffed. "I was to complain about NOT being in charge of the festivities! Am I not the manliest stallion in Equestria? Am I not studly enough for their tastes? Is it my mane, my eyebrows, my shampoo, WHAT?!"

Everypony stared at him for a moment, before looking back to Canterlot's gates.

"So, we have to get through an entire convention's worth of hunky, studly stallions to fix this," Rarity said. She nuzzled up to Big Mac. "I'm sure it won't be a problem... All of them together, smelling good together... Doing masculine things... Mmmm..." She looked at Big Mac and bit her lower lip. "Unf... Big Mac? Darling? Could you take me? Behind the trees?"

"Me too," Fluttershy said with a lusty giggle. "Oh my oh me oh my..."

"LADIES! FOCUS!" Applejack bit out with a growl. "Th' sooner we get in there, the sooner we fix this mess!"

"Ah, Applejack," the Doctor gestured with his hoof. Applejack looked back and saw her tail was wrapping around Soarin's neck, and her hips were up. She blushed brightly.

"Ah... Sorry," she mumbled.

"I'm totally fine with this," Soarin' said quickly.

"Later!" Twilight said. "Focus on the mission, ladies. Equestria is counting on us, whether it knows it or not! So, onward!" She looked over at the Doctor. "If you would please carry me, Doctor?"

"Of course," the time traveler said with a jaunty smile. He slid her onto his back. "And here I thought the climax to this adventure might be dull!"

"Oh, believe me, it'll be anything but," Twilight said emphatically, as they made their way to the gates of the city.

- - - - - - - - - -