Princess Celestia was serene, calm, impassive as she regarded the ponies assembled before her. She showed no emotion other than calm. Her sister, seated next to her, was as aloof as an Egyptian sphinx.

Their guards, on the other hand, were straining not to bust a gut.

"So," she said smoothly, arching one regal brow. "Perhaps now that we are in... well, relative private, you can all enlighten me as to what chain of events led to Prince Blueblood's father dangling by his unmentionables from a ballroom chandelier?"

Both families stood before her. Twilight's father looked hung over; his cigarette holder drooped and his normal bucket hat had been replaced by an ice bag.  Blueblood's father was standing... awkwardly, and in an obvious state of discomfort, with an ice pack strapped to another location entirely. Lady Blueblood and Twilight Velvet both looked incensed, and were busy shooting death glares at each other. Twilight Sparkle looked distraught and frazzled, her mane frizzed at the edges and her feathers ungroomed.

Twilight Sparkle was the first to step forward. She stood before her mentor, head hanging low. Outwardly she was calm, inwardly she was shaking like a bowl of jelly. She'd come down off the adrenaline rush of her anger and now all she could feel was guilty and scared. She hadn't been such a quivering wreck since the Smarty Pants incident. She cleared her throat. "It started when I received a letter from my parents..."

"YOU SIGNED ME OFF IN A MARRIAGE CONTRACT TO PRINCE BLUEBLOOD ??" Twilight shrieked.

Night Light cringed away from his daughter's voice. She hadn't mastered the Royal Canterlot Voice yet, but in his current state it mattered little. "Indoor voices, Pumpkin," he groaned. "Daddy forgot his suicide pills." He clutched his pounding head.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I wouldn't want you to feel any pain over AUCTIONING MY LIFE AWAY!!" his daughter bellowed. "How did this HAPPEN? Why would you DO this??"

Night Light lay down on the couch, groaning. He motioned for his wife to take over. "Don't worry, dear," Twilight Velvet said. "I did enough screaming for both of us when I found out."  She grimaced. "Your father was at the Pen and Ink club last evening. The other members there decided to throw him a celebratory party-- his daughter getting coronated, after all. Never miss an excuse to overindulge, that lot." She reached over and cuffed Night Light on the back of the head. He moaned. "Anyhow it seems that Lord Blueblood and his son are members there..."

"They own the club," came Night Light's muffled interjection.

"They were there in person. And lo and behold, they opened up the bar for the party," Twilight Velvet snorted. "They plied your father with one congratulatory 'toast' after another, and when he was good and smashed, Lord Blueblood pulled out a marriage contract...."

"What." Celestia's inflection was as flat as a table.

Twilight nodded. "A marriage contract. That I was to be wedded to Prince Blueblood."

The pause that followed this was sepulchral. "Continue," Celestia said.

"He didn't." Twilight Sparkle said in horror.

"He did," was Velvet's thin-lipped reply.

"You didn't-- you didn't just let him do this to me..." Twilight pleaded.

Velvet shook her head. "Of course not. The moment your father woke up this morning he realized what he'd done. He told me and we were around to the Blueblood's estate like a shot, demanding he call this off. He laughed in our faces, said it was some ancestral law that even the Princesses couldn't contradict. That he'd already paid the dowry-- rented the wedding chapel, the caterers, the dressmakers, the whole nine yards-- and if we tried to back out, he'd own the Sparkle estate."

"It was a really crappy marriage contract," Night Light grunted.

Twilight's eyes were a little glazed. "No. Oh no. I'm not taking this as an answer." She turned around and headed for the door. "I'm going to find Lord Blueblood and convince him to call this off!"

"And then what, my little pony?" Celestia prompted. Her voice was smooth as silk and sweet as cream.(1)

Twilight seemed to gather a little courage from her remembered outrage. "I took some time to write out a quick annulment, then went and tracked Lord Blueblood down." Twilight giggled in a slightly cracked voice. "I hoped I could calmly persuade him to sign it and let this silly thing go..."

"Not a chance, your Highness," Lord Blueblood smirked. " The contract is legal and binding, by laws older than Celestia."

"He should know, he dug them out of mothballs and cobwebs himself," Prince Blueblood muttered. The Prince, for a wonder, didn't look smug, proud, or happy with the circumstances. He looked in fact rather petulant.

"Shut up, son," Lord Blueblood said blithely. "It's for your own good, and the good of the crown."

"The crown can bloody well look after itself!" Twilight yelled. "I have a-- a suitor already. And weren't you the one who was complaining that my 'lineage' was too close to the throne already?"

Lord Blueblood sniffed, his mustache curling in contempt. "I could care less about your 'suitor,' so long as you keep such tawdry dalliances with commoners discreet-- and your progeny are legitimate," he said. "Once you and my son produce a legitimate heir to the throne, that little nightmareling will be easy enough to shuffle off to the side. Preferably to a nice distant boarding school in Prance or Germane...."

"I knew it!" a little filly's voice shrieked. Everyone in the room started as Nyx, seemingly out of thin air, came running through the middle of the throne room to stand in front of Celestia. "You can't let these awful ponies make my Mom marry them, you just can't!" She ran over to her mother's side. "I knew this was going to happen, I knew it, I told you," she said to Twilight. She shot a glare over at the Bluebloods. "Just look at them, just like I said, sleazy mustache and everything-- "

Several of the guards snorted.

"Nyx, Nyx, calm down," Twilight shushed, giving her a neck hug. "Nothing's going to happen, okay?"

"How did that get in here?" Prince Blueblood yelped. "Guards! Do your duty!" They did; not a one of them budged.

"How did you get in here?" Luna said in surprise. She squinted and scanned the room with a sweep of indigo magic. Two forms were silhouetted in purple light; a dragonling and a young colt.

"Busted," Spike said. "Go ahead and drop it, Bright Eyes." The two appeared, Bright Eyes sighing in relief.

"Thou'rt most puissant with cloaking spells, e'en for a crystal pony," Luna said in muted admiration. "In especial for one of thy tender years."

"My fault, Luna," Twilight muttered. "I taught Bright Eyes some tricks to make his natural invisibility more effective. He's apparently been practicing, too." Bright Eyes looked sheepish, a blush spreading under his sparkling cheeks.

"Ah, twould match his mark," Luna nodded. "That of a pegasus scout-- to be a sentinel, a keen eye that itself goes unseen." She nodded.

Celestia cleared her throat. "But back to the subject at hand," she said.

Twilight flinched. "Um, well..."

"I could care less about your 'suitor,' so long as you keep such tawdry dalliances with commoners discreet-- and your progeny are legitimate,"  Lord Blueblood said. "Once you and my son produce a legitimate heir to the throne, that little nightmareling will be easy enough to shuffle off to the side. Preferably to a nice distant boarding school in Prance or Germane. And a proper, rightful ruler-- one of unicorn blood-- will be on the throne."

Twilight went from wide-eyed dismay to narrow-eyed fury. Her voice got dangerously quiet and focused. "If you think for a second I'm just going to kneel down and lift my tail for your son--"

Prince Blueblood looked aghast at the crudity. "My word!"

Lord Blueblood's sneer turned into a snarl. "You'll do just that, you jumped-up, Nightmare-coddling, slum-trawling strumpet, and everything else you're told-- if you know what's good for you and your family!"

His contemptuous expression vanished like snow in a blast furnace when Princess Twilight's eyes blazed white--

"...And I-- I sort of blacked out or had a fit or something," Twilight finished. "When I came to, Lord Blueblood was hanging from the chandelier with the brass piping knotted around his.. um..."

"Royal Lineage?" Luna suggested. Three of the guards fell to their knees, tears rolling down their cheeks.

Twilight rolled her eyes, cringing, and nodded. "And I had the signature on the annulment. Prince Blueblood was hiding under one of the suits of armor lining the walls squealing something about flaming manes, and, um, Lord Blueblood wasn't talking much-- well he was sort of making little whimpery noises--" she flinched again. "So I um, left. Hurriedly."

"I can imagine," Celestia said, rolling her eyes and pursing her lips. It took Twilight a moment to realize that the solar princess was struggling not to laugh. "May we see the documents in question?"

Lord Blueblood levitated the notorious marriage contract to her. Reluctantly, like a frightened child giving up the last corner of her security blanket, Twilight passed over the annulment. Celestia took them both and looked them over. She read quietly for several minutes. When she finished, her response was so unnerving that everypony in the room traded confused looks:

She started laughing.

The solar diarch whooped with laughter, her head lolling back, sides heaving."Oh, I couldn't hold it in anymore." She passed the contract over to her sister, who was chortling as well. She took a moment to wipe her eyes on her hock and regarded Lord Blueblood. "You honestly didn't think this was going to fly, did you?" she said. Lord Blueblood looked stunned. "Oh do be an adult, Lord Blueblood," she continued. "Just for starters, we're the rulers of Equestria. We can sign a pardon for a death sentence if we wish, we can certainly sign a pardon for a marriage contract. Besides which, this contract isn't fit to wipe your bum with. Just for starters, This may be old law, old law indeed, and never revoked-- as if my sister and I couldn't have had it repealed, which it shall be, by the way-- current law requires that all parties involved have to be 'of sound mind and of lawful age' and they all have to sign." She plucked the contract out of Luna's grasp and held it up. "A simple scrying on the signature shows that sir Night Light was smashed off his plot. And you don't have Twilight's signature at all.

"This annulment, on the other hand, is quite airtight," Celestia said with a smile. "Except for the fact that the signature scries as being taken under duress."

"Nay, sister," Luna giggled. "Twilight did most cunningly cover for that detail." At Celestia's arched eyebrow, Luna gestured to the paper. "The bottom section, written in haste..."

"Ah yes. The portion which details financial compensation.," Celestia smirked. "In the form of Lord Blueblood 'retaining the possession of his family jewels' in trade for his signature." She grinned at Lord Blueblood. "They're still attached, are they not?" Lord Blueblood sputtered. "Ah. Not that it matters; the marriage contract in question would not hold up for a minute in court. Though a great deal of unpleasantness can be avoided on all sides if Blueblood agrees to accept the annulment. All parties involved can go their separate ways peacefully.

" I would adjudge that the situation is resolved, then..."

"Now wait just a minute!" Lord Blueblood stepped towards the throne, groaning a bit and walking a touch spraddle legged. "I refuse!"

Celestia sat very still. The room got very quiet. "Am I to understand that you are still insisting on pressing the marriage contract?" Celestia said calmly. Very very very calmly.(2)

"Indeed I am," Lord Blueblood said. "You are not going to wheedle a concession out of me.That annulment was signed under duress. This is an ancient unicorn law, and for all your talk, Highness, I think I stand a good chance of it holding water in court. " His mustache curled up smugly.  "It is for the good of Equestria! Neither you nor Luna stand any chance of producing heirs, and this new princess--" he gestured scornfully at Twilight-- " has only the promise of either a by-blow with some low-blooded commoner or worse, passing the crown on to her illegitimate, sorcerically fabricated 'daughter!' This, this pathetic state of affairs needs to come to an end, and a rightful unicorn ruler put back in place..."

Had he been less wrapped up in his own ranting, Lord Blueblood might have noticed the warning signs. Like the fact that the royal guards had stopped shaking with silent laughter and were now slowly backing away from the throne. As it was he only realized his situation too late, when Celestia got to her feet.

"SILENCE!" she bellowed, slamming a hoof to the tile floor. The boom echoed off the marble walls. Lord Blueblood found himself cowering before a vision of terror. Celestia towered over him, her eyes aflame -- literally--  with rage. Her mane and tail had gone from a soft rainbow pastel to blinding red, orange and white, and rose up around her like the blazing corona of the sun. Her coat was brilliant white and her eyes were a furnace. The room around her seemed to dim to black by sheer contrast.

"Whoa, Twilight times ten thousand," Spike whispered. Bright Eyes made no response, he was too busy being scared completely transparent. Prince Blueblood had run to the back of the room and was trying to hide behind, or perhaps even under, one of the guards. "Oh no no no, not the fiery mane of doom again!" he squealed.

"Sister," Celestia said, without taking her blazing eyes off of Lord Blueblood. "Tell us, what are the legal penalties for rape?"

"Rape? Wah--" Lord Blueblood stuttered.

"Death, I believe," Luna said coolly. She hadn't even arisen from her seat. "With punitive damages paid to the victim. Though you may have lessened that to life at hard labor, since last I checked."

"And for slavery?" Celestia said.

"Oh, that is still the death penalty," Luna replied almost cheerfully.

"Blackmail? Kidnapping? Treason?"

"Quadruple recompense for the victimized party plus punitive damages, death and oh yes, death, once again," Luna singsonged.

"Wah? Bwah? WHAT?" Lord Blueblood squealed.

"You little fool," Celestia thundered. "I was not trying to 'wheedle a concession' out of you. I was giving you a way to escape unscathed. I WAS BEING MERCIFUL!

"To begin with, you jumped-up dunce," the incandescent Princess said. "That marriage contract was signed by the party of the second part when he was drunk off his plot, and the party of the third part-- the betrothed-- did not sign it at all. Which not only makes it worthless by Equestrian law, but constitutes CONTRACTUAL FRAUD.

"You threatened Princess Twilight Sparkle's family in an attempt to coerce her into a marriage. That's BLACKMAIL, fool. What makes it worse is that you were coercing her to, as she put it most aptly, 'lift her tail' for your son... which makes it STATUTORY RAPE.

"You tried to engage in trafficking of another sapient being for your own ends-- that's called SLAVERY.

"You would have been in desperate trouble if you had tried all of the above with a SCULLERY MAID. But you attempted to do all of the above with a CROWN PRINCESS OF EQUESTRIA. Which in case you haven't guessed, makes it TREASON!

"Did it ever dawn on you to wonder why such marriage contracts have not been used in Equestria in centuries?" Celestia thundered. "I grew sick of watching greedy, selfish, scheming parents auctioning their own flesh and blood off, selling their sons and daughters over the barrel into loveless, joyless marriages for the sake of some sick little political or financial advantage or other. I passed laws requiring that such marriage contracts be done with the consent... the ADULT consent... of ALL the participants. I even established sanctuary houses... they are now used for the victims of abuse, but their first purpose was a sanctuary for anyone fleeing such a contract. I could not keep parents from bullying their children into agreeing, but I could hinder them from damning their children to a fate they never wanted before they were old enough to even object. In the end, thank the Maker, that little bit I did was more than enough to choke the practice out.

"DID YOU IMAGINE FOR A SECOND THAT I WOULD REFRAIN FROM BRINGING MY FULL POWER AND WRATH TO BEAR AGAINST ANYONE WHO TRIED SUCH A THING WITH MY MOST BELOVED STUDENT?"

The flames dimmed somewhat. "It seems you have two choices, Lord Blueblood. Either you accept the annulment, or you can try and take Princess Twilight Sparkle to court-- in which case you will be found guilty of all the crimes I have listed, your estate will be liquidated and given to the Sparkle family as punitive compensation, and you will either spend the rest of your life imprisoned or you will be executed. I seriously doubt that we can execute you four times, but you never know. My judges are rather creative."

"Annulment is good," Lord Blueblood whimpered.

"Good." The fiery light faded; the solar diarch's mane dimmed back down to its soft pastel hues. "Now, leave our sight, Lord Blueblood," she said. "And see that thou dost not cross our ire again." The humbled Lord got to his hooves and hobbled from the throne room as rapidly as he could, his dithering wife in tow.

Celestia stepped across the room to where Prince Blueblood cowered behind a disgruntled guard. "Prince Blueblood--"

"It wasn't my idea! I never even touched her! I never even LOOKED at her!" the cowardly prince shrieked.

Celestia rolled her eyes and levitated Blueblood up, magically brushing the dust off him. "We know that, Blueblood," she said patiently. "You're a ponce and a twit, not a monster."

"Um, thank you?" he squeaked as she set him down on his hooves.

Celestia sighed. "Did you have to meekly go along with your father's petty foolishness? Try and be your own stallion for once, Blueblood."

"Easier said than done," the spoiled prince sniffed. "I disobey, he disowns me. Take away my family name from me... there's nothing left."

"And would that be so terrible? Or at least, more terrible than this?" Luna interjected, indicating the room with a sweep of her hoof. "Tis better to have a 'nothing' that is thine own, than to have everything that is merely lent from another."

Blueblood ducked down, still cowed, and sidled over to Twilight. "My.. apologies," he mumbled, keenly aware of the eyes of the Diarchs upon him. "This was truly not my idea. I mean, you're not unattractive, but bookish nerds aren't even my type. No offense."

"Oh why would I ever be offended at that?" Twilight said dryly.

Blueblood grimaced and was about to reply, most likely by sticking his hoof in his mouth, when the throne room doors were bucked open. Standing framed in the doorway was a dark blue unicorn with an ink black mane and tail and, oddly enough, wearing an ill-fitting suit of gryphon armor that seemed to be singed at the edges. He crashed into the room, drawing a gryphon blade in his magic that had most likely been hanging on someone's living room wall that morning and leveled it at Prince Blueblood. "Step away from her, you CAD!" he roared.(3)  He charged. Blueblood screamed like a filly and ran for his life.

"Ink Spot!" Twilight Sparkle cried. Thinking quickly, she dashed forward to meet Ink Spot halfway, hopefully before the royal guards could skewer him.  They crashed together in a quick embrace. Ink Spot pushed his helmet aside and gave her a quick kiss. "Don't worry I'll fix everything, I promise," he said.

"What--" Twilight said.

Ink Spot pointed his pot metal sword at the prince, who was cowering and holding up Celestia's tea tray like a shield. "You double dealing vermin! By ancient Unicorn law I challenge you for the hoof of Twilight Sparkle in marriage! Have at thee!"

The foppish prince, after all the fire and roaring and threats of doom, had just put up with too much. Prince Blueblood dropped the tray. "You win!" he shrieked. He ran and jumped through the nearest stain glass window with a crash.

Ink Spot gaped. "Well. Um. That was easy."

Luna and Celestia gasped in alarm. A couple of the guards ran to the window. "It's all right, your Highnesses," the first one said. "He caught one of the flagpoles."

"Too bad he didn't catch it between his front hooves," the second one muttered. Every male in the room winced. Luna leaned out the window.

"Art thou all right, nephew?"

"Can I get back to you on that, auntie?" came the faint, squeaky reply.

Luna grimaced. "Go help him down," she told two of the pegasus guards. "...gently." They dove out the window to rescue their scion and cart him to the infirmary.

A very intimate reunion was taking place across the room. Ink Spot was explaining his miraculous arrival between kisses and nuzzles. "I have a friend who's a member of the Pen and Ink club; he saw Lord Blueblood conning your father into signing that marriage contract and sent me word via telegram. I was out the door the moment I heard..."

"Inky," Twilight said, nuzzling in close. "How on earth did you get back so quickly--"

"Well it seems my company's Pony Express project works," he said with a grin. "We set up a chain of high speed pegasi and teleporting unicorns, clear across Equestria and into the gryphon lands. I shipped myself as an express package from the Gryphon capital to Canterlot." He brushed awkwardly at the singed spots on his armor. "Rough trip, but it worked."

"And the armor--" Twilight said.

Ink Spot's grin widened. "Gryphons are kind of big on honor and fighting for one's mate," he said. "The postmaster in the Gryphon kingdom yanked this junk off the wall of his office and gave it to me when he heard why I had to get back so fast."

Twilight chuckled and nuzzled his neck. She suddenly jerked her head back and looked at him. "Wait. Marriage? Did you really mean--"

Ink Spot nodded. "Yes."

For a brief awful instant, Twilight felt all her lifelong insecurities swirl in around her like a shroud. "Really? Me?.... this is so sudden..." Her next sentence was barely a whisper.  "Are you sure?"

"Enough to let a bunch of crazy unicorns shot-put me across two continents," he said. "I'll, I'll admit it. I got scared. I got scared when I learned how close you were to Celestia and Luna. Scared when you became an alicorn. Scared that-- that I wasn't anywhere near good enough for you.

"But when I heard about you being betrothed, I realized that none of that scared me half as much as the thought of losing you." He dropped to one knee; his pot-metal armor crashed. "Twilight Sparkle," He levitated a box out from under his armor. "Will you--"

"Now hold on, there," Night Light said. The growl in his voice belied the grin. "Most young colts know enough to ask for the father's blessing--" His ice pack was lifted up, and there was a resounding KLOK as his wife's pale lavender hoof met the back of his head. "--which is of course freely given," He said without missing a beat or dropping his grin. "Yes, dear, shutting up now dear. Ow." The ice pack was lowered and gently patted back in place.

Ink Spot turned back to his special somepony. "I know it isn't much of a ring," he said with regret, opening the box. "I sort of had to do things on the run-- literally-- but..."

Twilight looked in the box. Inside was a crude diamond horn-ring. It looked as though Ink Spot had taken a gold bit and drilled it out from the center. An uncut diamond(4) was attached with gold wire, welded into place. "It's beautiful," she said, lifting it out of the box and settling it on her horn. Tears were in her eyes.

"S-so that means..."

"YES!" Twilight threw herself into his arms.

Celestia looked over and noticed Nyx. The black filly was standing there, practically vibrating in place. She looked like she was about to explode. Celestia chuckled and lowered her head to the filly's ear. "Go ahead," she said.

"EEEEEEEEE! Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigosh!!" Nyx began hopping around the room like Pinkie Pie on a triple espresso.

"You do realize that this is so going in my next novel," Twilight Velvet said to her daughter with a sly grin.

"Ack! Mom!"

"Now that's how to make an entrance, dude," Spike muttered to Bright Eyes.

Bright Eyes nodded. The two brohoofed. Bright Eyes grinned suddenly. "Oh wow, poor Roller Reel," he said. "When he hears he missed filming this, he's going to blow a fuse!"

1)That particular tone of voice her personal staff referred to as "DefCon 3."

2)And now we are at DefCon 2.

3)For a given value of "roar."

4)He punched out a diamond dog in the badlands. Long story.