To defy the laws of tradition

Is a crusade only of the brave.

-Primus, To Defy the Laws of Tradition

Richard Marlon was a Nebraskan farm boy who hated his family; this fact was known to everyone due to his obsession with its publicity.  It was obviously a method of detaching himself from his lonely, tornado-ridden childhood.  His parents divorced when he was seven, leaving his religiously psychotic mother to take care of him, his younger sister (whom he loathed passionately), and the 50-acre farm.  At age fourteen, his mother shot herself in the foot during a common "God told me to" episode.  He became detached from his mother from then on, even more so his father, who constantly displayed his new sex slave during Richard's visits to his house in Missouri.  Overall, Richard was a psychologically tormented man, but honesty was his strong suit.  Everyone he spoke to knew the gritty details of his dealings, especially if they somehow influenced his friends...

...which is exactly why he was elected President in 2008.

The bumper-stickers knew him as "TOP-The Official Peacemaker," due to his peace agreements with North Korea, Cuba, and the entire Middle East.  There was no more reason to hate America, and the world knew it.  Indeed, he hosted a TV program every Friday night named, "D.C. Unveiled," during which he kindly debunked all political rumors floating around the country in order to ease the citizens' minds.  Inspired by Franklin Roosevelt's "Fireside Chats," Marlon kept the episodes interesting by holding interviews, adopting a very informal tone, and never using a script, as if he had never been president at all.  His appearance boosted his fan base-his dirty-blond hair shaped a ragged bowl around his secretly-mushroom-shaped head.  His eyes were thin-set and contained swampy-green irises, which matched his hair in certain lights.  The face was thin and long, but became round with a simple raise of the jaw.  In addition, Marlon had the longest "lips" of any human he had ever seen.  The red labial region was normal-sized, but the skin above them stretched so far down that when he spoke (with his unnaturally deep voice, emulating a contrabass clarinet), his top gums were never visible-only the teeth.  He always kept long, reddish-brown stubble on his face and upper lip, in an attempt to look more informal.  He stood six-and-a-half feet tall and always wore a black suit and blue tie on TV (The only thing he would ever hide from anyone was the reason behind the blue tie.).  Women across the country were deeply attracted to him, and this was fortunate for Marlon.  Even though he had been raised against it, he was violently obsessed with sex, whether it be the science behind it or the physical aspects (demonstrating a prime example of the psychological "rebellion factor"-attraction is directly proportional to repulsion).  He had had himself vasectomized at age eighteen, due to his deep aversion toward babies and his distrust in his future parenting abilities.  He was, of course, single, allowing him to have sex as much as he damn well pleased with anyone he damn well pleased.  The country knew this due to his admittance to the press, but found his habits acceptable (excluding those belonging to the Church of Christ denomination-their slogan:  "Are we gonna let our leader be a dirty philanderer?  Church, we're not gonna do it."  They were the only people in the nation who voted against him.).  In truth, Marlon was nothing more than an average Joe with power, and was considered a wonderful man, despite his unnaturally strong urges.  

Naturally, he was asked by Melski to make the first leader-to-leader contact with the aliens.

The meeting was held in the Oval Office, due to Marlon's welcoming nature to all visitors of his humble abode.  Camera crews from every continent (including Antarctica) were packed into the room, ready to record the groundbreaking footage.  Celestia and Marlon were sitting opposite the national Seal on the floor.  Fortunately, the president had recently updated his office with a massive, custom-designed IKEA couch that was coincidentally the perfect size for Celestia to sit on.  She lay sideways, like a tired cat; her torso covering the couch's large Metallica logo.  Marlon sat on an antique couch, compliments of the White House itself.  Marlon caught something out of the corner of his eye, something that slightly disturbed him.

She doesn't have genitalia... or an asshole, for that matter....

"'Leven minutes to air!" yelled an American cameraman with a heavy southern accent.

"I want to thank you again for being so trustful of an alien race by immediately taking us to your headquarters.  We didn't think you'd like us being here," Celestia said modestly.  

"Nonsense!  In fact, thank you for showing up!  Earth needs a little excitement to make 2009 its best year ever," Marlon said with his uniquely deep, soothing voice.  "You guys don't look very threatening, so it's gonna be easy for the people to accept you.  Would it be OK if I interviewed a few of your people as well?"

"Absolutely.  I'll send a message to Spike to Twilight can get a team together."

A large scroll appeared in the air with a yellow flash, making Marlon jump.  A feather pen and pot of ink followed in the same fashion.  The three objects levitated horrifically for a few seconds, then the feather dipped itself in the ink and began to write on the page.  Celestia's horn glowed a bright yellow during this whole episode, her face showing no sign of strain, the objects glowing the same yellow shade.  Most of the camera crewmen held out their phones to capture the bizarre footage for future posting on YouTube.

After thirty seconds of quick scribbling, Celestia's horn ceased to glow, and the objects disappeared with a flash.

Marlon said nothing, his eyes inhumanly wide.

"I'm guessing magic's not something you humans can do."

Marlon slowly shook his head.

"Hm-Hm.  The message should have reached Spike by now.  He's not that far away, after all."

It was true.  At the Marlon's request, the ponies had been escorted by the army to the White House's lawn (Melski had thought the request was insane, but complied due to his personal friendship with Marlon.).  

Marlon shivered, then regained his peaceful demeanor, as if slapped into line.

"Well, remember:  I barely know anything about your race's customs, so before we start, are there any questions I shouldn't ask you?"

"None that I know of.  The only thing I ask is that you don't question Fluttershy too vigorously."

"That's one of the 'team members,' I wager?"

"Yes.  She's extremely kind, but she's very shy around new pon... humans."

"That seems obvious, you know-her name having the word 'shy' in it, and all,"  Marlon let out a chuckle of acceptance.  "If that's the case, though, why are you willing to put her on worldwide TV?  That sounds like a shy person's ultimate nightmare."

"Well, I figure her demeanor will make a good impression on you humans.  It will show how innocent and harmless we truly are."

"Sounds like a plan.  Don't worry, I'll go easy on her.  One last thing:  the only question I wouldn't recommend you ask is how humans reproduce.  On Earth, that information isn't allowed to be talked about in all its glory on TV."  Marlon had attempted to downsize the F.C.C. greatly, but was overruled by congress.

"The cameras aren't rolling yet; can I at least ask why that rule exists?"

Unbeknownst to the two of them, the cameramen were eagerly listening, some still recording the conversation on their phones.

"Well.... We humans," Marlon started out, choosing his words carefully in case a camera had been flipped on by accident.  "Uh....  We don't usually disclose reproduction information on TV in case little kids are watching.  We don't usually give that information to them until their preteen years.  If, uh, you really want to know, I guess I could tell you later, but uuhhh...."

"It's OK, I understand," Celestia said with a smile, raising her front right hoof to cut him off.  "We ponies have... used to have a similar custom on our home world."

"Whew, thanks.  I get nervous when discussing that stuff near cameras, whether off or on."

"-But it would be nice to know later, so I could better familiarize myself with the human race."

Oh, Dear God....

"Yeah, maybe we can work something out.  It would have to be discrete, ya know, with the subject matter and all.  Do you want your people to hear too?"

Fuck!  Why did I ask that?  Pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno!

"Maybe just the team, if they want to know."

DAMMIT!

Marlon, having grown up in a home that denied the existence of sex, was always uncomfortable talking about it.  He knew that there was really nothing wrong with sex, but his brain kept bringing the philosophy back from its depths.  This made his obsession all the more ironic.

"I heard a report from Melski about a pony with odd eyes; he said that the three expendables in the ship saw it," Marlon said, attempting to change the subject.

"That was Derpy.  She's very sweet, but doesn't sense danger very well.  We thought she'd be useful in greeting whatever life forms we had come across."

"What if the life was hostile and hurt her?"

"I could use my magic to heal whatever wounds she might have."

"You can heal with magic?  That's a neat trick!"

"Hm-hm.  I've survived 69,000 Equestrian years with that 'trick.'"

Heh-heh.

Marlon always had time for a little immaturity.

"Any idea how long that might be in Earth years?"

"I don't know, but Twilight probably has a book on interstellar time measurements."

Twilight?

The silence was shattered by the opening of the office door.  Five regular-sized ponies stepped into the room, being mindful of the camera cables on the floor.  Cameramen near their path stepped aside with wide eyes.

They reached Celestia's couch and sat down around it, boasting determined smiles.

Something was odd about one of them, though....

Marlon turned his attention back to the open doorway, from which a heavy rubbing sound could be heard, like skin over carpet.  After a few seconds of this sound, it was replaced by a dull, quick "sort of clopping sound," as if whatever was outside was running away.  There came a "THUD" from the far end of the hall, followed by more of the rubbing sound.  Marlon was not entirely sure, but he thought he had heard a barely audible "squeak" accompanying the "THUD."

After thirty seconds of the rubbing, a two-and-a-half foot tall purple-and-green beast appeared in the doorway, struggling to pull a long, pink strand of hair over his right shoulder.  Before Marlon could see what the hair was attached to, it yanked itself away from the purple creature, but no "clop" was present.  The beast walked out of the door frame, stopping a few feet away from the panel, by the sound of it.  Marlon heard a quiet whispering, like that of a ten-year-old, coming from the hall.

More rubbing.  This time only two small swipes.  Marlon imagined another pony outside, holding its head on the ground, shaking its head "no."

That must be Fluttershy.  Sounds like she ran into a wall back there.  Hope she didn't break anything.  

The beast hesitated, then walked back into the room, staring discontentedly at Celestia.

"Couldn't you have just teleported her here?"

The voice from outside had definitely come from this thing.

"She would have had a heart attack if I had done that.  You know how she acts after teleportation," Celestia said to the creature.

"Wait a minute-you can teleport?"  Marlon had not seen the ponies teleport to the ground earlier, so he was naturally surprised.  "Why didn't you just zap yourself here instead of walking through the house?  You had to duck for most of the doorways," Marlon pointed out.

"I didn't know if you humans could perform magic yet, and I didn't want to startle the armed guards outside."

"Well, I'm out of ideas," the creature said, apparently oblivious to Marlon.  It sat down, massaging its arms.

"I don't remember seeing you on the lawn.  I'm guessing you're Spike, though, judging by those spikes on your tail," Marlon said.

"The one and only," the creature said through clenched teeth, obviously in pain from its strenuous exercise.

Marlon took a closer look at the thing before him, amazed that such a thing was real.  

A dragon.  This thing was definitely a dragon.  It shared the exact description from the books Marlon had read as a kid:  lizard-like scales, ribbed torso, claw-like hands and feet, sharp teeth, fin-like structures on the top and side of its head, spikes on its back and tail-Marlon would have gone head-over-heels for this thing had he been seven.  It had large, disc-shaped eyes, exactly as the ponies did.  Its irises, and top fin-structure were a deep, grassy green.  The spikes and side fins were a lighter shade of green, like that of a computer light; its nose was of the same structure as the ponies'.

Wonder how many genes they share....

"Are you... a dragon?"

"How did you know?" the beast replied, recovering from his arm cramp.

"There are old myths about dragons on Earth.  The pictures look something like you, but... bigger."

"Ah, yes.  So that's what happened after that team...," Celestia said quietly, trailing off.

"What do you mean?"

"It's a long story.  I can elaborate on it later."

Marlon hesitated, thinking of what the story consisted of.

"Well, we have a bit of time before we air, so it would be... well, nice to get to know my interviewees a bit better with a little introduction," Marlon said as he shifted his eyes across the polychromatic menagerie.  As he did this, he bent over slightly to rest his arm on his thigh.

"These are five of my most loyal subjects:  AppleJack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and my faithful student Twilight Sparkle."  As Celestia listed the five, she pointed a hoof at each.

"Wild guess:  that's Fluttershy there in the hall?"

"Hm-Hm"

Wow, she does that a lot.

"Give her some time, she'll come in eventually."

"OK, then....  Uh, Hello....  I'm Richard Marlon, but you can call me whatever you want, I guess.  Heh-heh."

The ponies made no movements; they just stared at him blankly.

"OK, I'll just go down the line, then."  Marlon stared at the one farthest to the left, AppleJack.  Her (The creature had eyelashes, as did the rest of the ponies there.) skin was a bright orange, and had a symbol of three apples on each flank.  Her face sported freckles, green irises, and a braided mane, held together with a red band (The tail was identical.).  She wore a large (cowboy hat?) on her head.

What the fuck...?

"Hi, there," Marlon held out his hand.

AppleJack stared at it for a few seconds, then moved forward and put her hoof in his.  It was covered in dried brown stains.  It smelled like-

Chocolate?

"How'd'ya do?" AppleJack said, and shook her hoof.  She spoke with a heavy southern accent.

What the hell?  Sounds like she's from the deep south...  West Virginia, maybe?

"Where do you get that accent from?"

"Appleoosa, where I was born."

"On Earth, there are certain parts of the world where people talk just like you.  You'd love it there.

Are you... associated with... uh... do you know what cider is?"

That was a stupid question.

"Sure do.  Ma family's made it for gen-ee-rations.  How'd'ya know?"

Son of a bitch!

"Just a hunch, judging by those apples on your flank and that farm-style appearance of yours."

And "Apple Jack" is Earth slang for hard cider.

"Well, thank ya kindly fer acceptin' us, I guess.  I'm awf'ly s'prised."

"Well, I'm not easily fazed by the unusual."

I've had too much to be startled anymore.

AppleJack walked backwards to her original spot.  The next one came forward and put her hoof in his hand, saying nothing.  No movement of the hoof-holding it was enough.  This one had bleach-white skin with dark-purple, elaborately curled hair.  Three diamond pictures graced each flank.  Her irises were a deep, glassy blue and her eyes overall were frighteningly blank.  A short version of Celestia's horn graced her forehead.  Judging by Celestia's brief introduction, this one was Rarity.

"Hello, you must be Rarity.  You seem to be dedicated to your appearance; your hooves are actually clean."

"Well, why would one want to have that stuff on their appendages anyway?  It was a horrible voyage; the stuff was all over the ship."  Rarity spoke with a stereotypically proper high-life voice.  Her voice made her sound as if she were trying to fake a British accent.

"What's so wrong with chocolate?" Marlon asked humorously.

"Is... that what you humans call it?  You actually... h-h-have that stuff here?"  Rarity's voice became more frightened as the thought entered her head.

"Well, I'm not sure if that stuff on your friends' hooves is chocolate, but it sure smells like it."  Marlon had always liked to tease visitors.

"Well, please tell me you dispose of it properly!  Can't go walking around with 'chocolate,' as you humans call it, all over the place!"

Is chocolate their... shit?  Why is that hilarious?

"Of course we do!  We humans are very tidy when it comes to chocolate!"

After we're done eating it, we throw away the wrappers good an' proper!

Marlon tried to contain a laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"I just remembered a really funny joke.  You probably wouldn't get it, though.  It's an Earthling joke."

"O... K, then,"

Rarity walked backwards to the couch.  Out of the corner of her eye, though, she saw a cameraman eating a Hershey bar.  She turned her head ever so slightly to see if her nightmare had been realized.

Milk Chocolate.

Rarity's jaw slowly dropped, horror encasing her face like a helmet.

Marlon looked at the next one in line-a pink pony with freakishly poofy hair, baby-blue irises, and balloons and streamers on each flank.

"Hi, you must be Pink-"

*WHAM!*

Surprised they're that heavy.

Rarity lay on the floor sideways, one front leg pulled up to her forehead in a stereotypical fainting pose.  She looked as if she had just been shot.

Marlon was terrified.  What would the alien race think if they knew his joking had incapacitated one of their friends?

"Don't worry.  She does that quite often."

Celestia's horn glowed, making a TASER* appear above Rarity's neck.

*ZAP!*

"WHUZZUWUHUHWHUUHH?!?!?"

Rarity stood up, rubbing her neck in pain.

"My mane!  It feels singed!"

Indeed, the TASER had made a barely visible black mark on her mane; the stuff was obviously sensitive to electricity.

Celestia's horn glowed, and, with a flash, the TASER was gone, and the black spot was no longer visible.  Rarity said nothing, sulking back to her side of the couch.

"I didn't imagine that TASER's would exist on your planet," Marlon said astoundedly.

"They don't.  I saw one of your law enforcement officers use one on a vagrant on my way to your house, so I thought it would work for this situation."

Marlon stared for a moment, then flipped his face back toward Pinkie.

This pony approached him fearlessly, gladly depositing her chocolatey hoof into his hand.

"Hi there, Mr. 'Earth-Leader-Man!'"  Pinkie's high-pitched, perky voice deepened sharply upon her announcement of the title.

Then it got high again....     "Myrealname'sPinkamenaDianePiebutyoucancallmePinkielikeyoujustdidyoumustbeveryobservantdoyouhavepartieshereonEarthOOHHIlovepartiesheyyoulooklikeyoucoulduseacupcakewantacupcake?here'sacupcakeforyourtroubles!"

Pinkie shook Marlon's hand violently while she emitted the deluge of words.  At the end of this, she reached into her hair and pulled out a previously invisible cupcake with bright green icing.  She pulled his jaw down sharply and shoved the bite-sized cupcake into his mouth.  She used her hoof to push his jaw up and down to chew it.  The cupcake tasted like one from Giant:  tasty yellow cake with pasty, sugary icing.

"Whaddya think?"  Pinkie pushed her face up to his until their noses were jammed together, a massive grin glued to her face.  The glassiness of her monstrous eyes made Marlon slightly uneasy; she smelled strongly of bubble gum and chocolate.

These similar smells are getting creepy....

"It tastes great!  What's it made of?"

"Well, let's see.... If I remember right, it's made of... acupofflourrandomsweetstuffapinchofsaltateaspoonofvanillaortwoandabigheapingbucketof DRAGON LARD!!!!!!"

Pinkie delivered her sped-up speech while pressed against Marlon's nose, making the last line torture his ear drums.

"I see.  Well, you did a very good job on it.  Just like the ones on Earth, minus the dragon lard."

"Thanksalotmisterleaderman!  MMMMWWWAAHHH!"

Pinkie grabbed the back of Marlon's head with her hooves and delivered a massive smooch (which actually did taste like bubble gum) onto his unsuspecting lips, reminding him of the classic Bugs Bunny routine.

I just got kissed by... an alien?  Why am I getting a boner from this?.

Marlon felt no fear; he wore an ingeniously-designed plastic "cup" should things arise during a performance.

Pinkie walked backwards to her original space, smiling innocently the whole way.

Are they embarrassed by their lack of genitalia?  They always walk backwards.

The next one (a pegasus?) sported an '80's-style rainbow-colored mullet and tail and fuschia irises, her flanks reflecting a cloud shitting out a rainbow lightning bolt.

She moved across the seal and shook his hand

This is The Sound of Music on acid.

"Well, mister... Marlon is it?  I hear you're the big cheese around here, so I'm gonna make this plain and simple:  Can. You. Fly."

The pegasus pointed her hoof at him forcibly with each iteration.

"Uh, no.  Humans can't fly.  We have machines that we fly in, if that's any consolation."

"That's OK.  I want something to test my flying skills against, ya know?"

"Well, for starters, you can go against a Blackbird:  goes faster than sound," Marlon said sarcastically.

Her irises and pupils shrunk proportionally, leaving the eye sockets dominated by scleras.  Her jaw fell six inches vertically, exposing a reddish-pink mouth, exactly like a human's, with the exception of bleached, smooth teeth, which were hidden by its "lips."

This thing looks like it walked out of a cartoon!

"Challenge... accepted...," she said, still in a state of shock.  "I'm Rainbow Dash, but you can call me Dashie, Dash, Rainbow, whatever you prefer."  The face was still blank and awestruck.

As Dashie walked (backwards, of course) to the couch, Marlon's mind capitalized on its previous observation:  Something's off about that one:  the tomboy-ish voice, the rainbow mullet (noticed it when she came in), overly athletic....  Is that one a lesbian?  Their personalities are similar enough to humans', what if their appearance of homosexuality is similar?

Couldn't be.  I must be jumping to conclusions again.

"Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle, but you can call me Twilight if you want,"

The lavender-shaded (skin and iris), horn-bearing pony did not wait for Marlon's introduction.  Its mane and tail were a deep purple like Rarity's, but displayed a thin, pink, vertical stripe.  On each flank was a large, pink star shape, surrounded by white flecks.

Twilight's horn glowed pink, and so did Marlon's arm; his mouth struggled to supress a scream.  His arm was lifted slowly upward by an invisible force that he was unable to fight against.  His hand positioned itself in a classic handshake pose, and Twilight put her hoof in it.  The invisible force moved Marlon's arm up and down while he watched helplessly.  The arm ceased to glow as Twilight shut off her horn.

"I can imagine that magic is a new concept for you humans, so I wanted to give you a formal introduction to it-literally."

"Yes, well, uh-th-thank you, miss...uh... Twilight," Marlon stuttered before "snapping" himself back into full consciousness.  Twilight's voice was soothing to him, but he could not determine why.  It sounded like that of a cubicle-worker in her early twenties, but it was oddly sympathetic.

"I would normally offer to teach you some, but only unicorns like myself can perform magic.  It's one of those 'biological' things."

"Yes, indeed.  Maybe you could help some scientists figure out a machine that could enable humans to do that.  It definitely sounds like something that could benefit mankind."

"I'd be honored sir!" Twilight said dutifully, and returned to the couch.

"Now where's Fluttershy?" Marlon said loudly.  "She's the last one on the team, and I'd hate to miss out on meeting her."

Marlon turned his head to the right and saw his first glimpse of the creature.

A head was peeking through the doorway, looking extremely cautious.  Its bright-pink mane was set in a wide fashion, partially covering the yellow face.  The spectacle reminded Marlon of his pet during his teenage years, a black cat named Inky.  She would always peek through doorways before entering rooms.

"Hi, there.  You must be Fluttershy!"

The head nodded timidly.

"You can come up here, it's OK.  Nobody's gonna hurt you."  Marlon held out his hand sympathetically.

The head moved further inward, nervously analyzing the room.  The cameramen were staring at her, some "aww-ing" quietly at her appearance.

"Nobody's gonna hurt you," Marlon patiently restated.

"You're among friends," a Scottish cameraman said.  "You can trust us."

The rest of the personnel nodded in agreement.

Fluttershy made herself visible for the first time, horrified as she slowly walked to Marlon.  The pink butterflies on her flanks symbolized her innocence, as well as her teal irises.

Her hoof trembled as she gazed, wide-eyed, at Marlon.  The face reminded him of the time he had to visit his mother in the hospital after her "gun incident."  Maybe it was what his looked like.

Mom, are you OK?

Yes, Rich, I'm fine.  Where's your father?

He couldn't be here.  He had to... uh... run some errands.  Have they been treating you nicely here?

Yes, it's fine.  There are some weird people in here, though.  One is always screaming at night, and another is always banging his head against the wall.

His mom, in fact, was the most sane person there.

Can you do me a favor?

What's that, Mom?

Take off my cast.

Why?

Go get a nurse and tell her to take it off, I feel better now.

That can't be.  You just got here two days ago.

My child, tell someone to remove the cast.  Get Richard to do it if no one is available.

Her eyes were tightly shut.

Mom?

Richard, grab a saw from another room and take off the cast.  The Lord is telling me to walk in his steps.

W-What do you mean?

She shut her eyes again.

Richard, get a saw and do not question me, your God.  I want your mother, Rebecca, to preach my name across the town.  

M-Mom?  I thought they fixed you.  Richard was becoming worried.  Even though he was fourteen, he still cared about his mother and wanted her mind to be "fixed."

Are you feeling OK, mom?

His mother picked up a notepad and a pen from the metal nightstand next to her bed.  As she flipped it open, Marlon saw extensive notes inside, dealing with visions and verses from Revelation.  His mother flipped to a blank page and began to scribble randomly on the page, dictating a note to herself.

Richard, my loyal son, I want you to become a preacher in your life.  People must know my name, and I want you, my favorite of all my creations, to do it.  Your saintly mother will not be on Earth for much longer, and I wish for you to be the Brother of Jesus.

M-Mom?  Richard's eyes were tearing up.  I'm g-gonna get a doctor, OK?  They'll fix you up good 'n' proper.

DO NOT GET A DOCTOR!  THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF SEEING MY TRUE POWER, THINKING ALL HEALING IS IN THEIR HANDS!  You, however, will surely be accepted into Heaven, my beautiful son.  

I-I-I'm gonna g-go to the bathroom now, Mom-er-uh-God.  I need to-uh-wash my hands.  I think I touched something nasty in the hall.

There is no need.  I will cure you instantly of all diseases.  Your only fate will be age.

Well-I-uh... have to go to the bathroom.  I really need to wash up.

Then do so, my son.  It is important to keep your body clean.

OK, I'll be back s-s-soon.  Marlon's face was drenched with quiet tears.  He left the room and found a doctor.

Please fix my Mom's brain.  I know you can't do everything, but please try harder-she's gone crazy.

His mother's mind was never healed.  Similar episodes continued until her religious bridge-jump when Marlon was seventeen.  It was the fifteenth, and last, time she would ever be in the hospital.  Fortunately, Marlon had distanced himself enough from her to mourn little.

The last word was a resounding gong in his mind, bubbling up from dark depths after all these years.  It was the first time in eons that he had felt sympathy for his mother, making his eyes nearly tear up.

"C'mere,"  Marlon said quietly as he moved to kneel on the ground.  He hugged Fluttershy around her neck, his head pressed against her warm, grassy-smelling hair.

"Awwww...." some cameramen cooed to themselves, once again exposing their camera phones.

She's softer than the others-it's like hugging a pillow.

Fluttershy pulled herself back, then put her hooves around his torso to re-embrace him.  Marlon saw wings on her body, but hugged around them, as if embracing a human.  The hug was a reminder to him of the love his mother had shown when he had been young, before her insanity outbreak.

More awww's, including quiet ones from the rest of the ponies.

"How do you do, Fluttershy?" Marlon broke the embrace to shake.

"Um... OK, I guess," she whispered in a small, high voice.

"Is there anything I can do to make your stay on Earth more comfortable?"

"Um... d-do you have animals here?"

"Of course!  We've got dogs, cats, birds, fish, insects, you name it."

"R-really?  Where are they?"

"Well, we have a zoo here in D.C., but you can find 'em in the wild outside the city."

"C-can you show me s-sometime-if that's not a problem?"

"Well, I'll see if I can work something out, 'kay?  Just don't eat 'em," Marlon said sarcastically.

"Oh, goodness, no!  I love animals.  They make great friends, once you get past the fact that they can't talk."

"Indeed.  You'll be fine here," Marlon said as he patted Fluttershy's back.  She walked to the couch forwards, unlike the rest.  

A-MOTHERFUCKING-HA!!

No vulva, no sphincter, nothing.

They must be embarrased.  Why, though?

"One to air!"

"OK, everybody, here's how this is gonna work.  I'm gonna interview Celestia first, then you six, just like we did before.  All you gotta do is act natural.  When I introduce you, come and shake my hand, just like before.  The rest of you can sit down if you'd like.  Simple enough, right?"

The ponies nodded their heads in agreement.

Celestia's horn glowed, making a golden tiara appear on her head, a golden necklace around the base of her neck, and golden coverings on her hooves (the coverings reached a foot up her leg, starting smoothly and working upward in elaborate curlicues.).

She obviously likes gold.

"OOH!  OOH!  Question!" Pinkie interjected with a frontal hoof in the air.  "What's with the big setup?  Who are we gonna be interviewed for?  Oops!  That's two."

"These cameras are connected to TV stations across the planet; it's a way for people to get a better idea of who you are, so that we don't have any unnecessary hostility."

"Okee-Dokee-Richie-Marlie!"

"Thirty!"

The cameramen stood at their screens, the sound men at their booms, all ready to witness a(nother) historic moment.

"Alrighty, guys!  Good luck!  They'll love ya!"

"Ten!  Nine!  Eight!  Seven!  Six!  Five!  Four!  Three!"

"So we'll be seen by humans across the... planet?" Fluttershy said quietly.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine!"

"You're on air!"