In the not too distant future, somewhere in time and space

Mike Nelson and his robot pals are caught in an endless chase

Pursued by a woman whose name is Pearl

Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world

She threw a few things in her purse

and with her rocket ship she hunts them all across the Universe

(I'll get you!)

"I'll send him cheesy movies!

The worst I can find!"

(La La La)

"He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!"

(La La La)

Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the movies begin or end

(La La La)

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends!

Robot roll call

Cambot

("You're on!")

Gypsy

("Oh my stars!")

Tom Servo

("Check me out")

CROOOOW!

("I'm different!")

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, and other science facts

(La La La)

Just repeat to yourself, "it's just a show, I should really just relax"

For Mystery Science Theater 3000

Cambot backs out of the theater, passing through an elaborate sequence of doors.

Cambot now captures the Satellite of Love's main room. The most prominent feature of this room is a large counter.

Mike Nelson, looking distressed, stands behind the counter. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot stand in front of it.

"Mike, what's it like working in a Wisconsin cheese shop, knowing every wedge of cheese represents another ounce of your life energy, completely and utterly wasted?" Inquires Tom Servo.

Mike faces Cambot.

"Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson. I thought I'd let the 'bots ask me anything they wanted about being a human, but I think they got a little confused because all they're asking is what it's like to be me"

Crow asks the next question.

"Mike, how do you feel going into a barbershop, and coming out with something that bland? Does it bother you at all knowing that your hair perfectly matches your personality, Mike?"

"Does looking like you hurt?"

"Are you aware of how dumb you are, or are you in blissful ignorance?"

A yellow light flashes on the desk. Mike looks relieved.

"Okay, this is going too far. We'll be right back"

Mike taps the yellow light.

COMMERCIAL SIGN

Crow and Tom are now facing each other.

"Crow", asks Tom, "how do you deal with being obsolete from the moment you were built?"

"Tom, how do you perceive masculinity?"

Mike smiles at Cambot,

"The 'bots are now asking what it's like to be each other. Gypsy, what's going on?"

From Cambot's left Gypsy appears.

"We're orbiting a standard, Earth-sized planet. Looks pretty boring."

A red light flashes.

"Looks like Pearl's calling"

Mike taps the red light.

"Where is the beef, Crow?"

"Got milk, Servo?"

On the surface of the planet, Pearl Forrester and Observer unload the Volkswagen. Behind them in the distance is a quaint-looking village and behind that a mountain with a castle protruding from the it's side.

Pearl is hefting a golf bag. She notices Cambot is trained on her and faces him.

"Oh, hi Mark. You're probably wondering where we are. Well, we were just passing by this sector of space, and we noticed this great-looking mini-golf course"

Pearl gestures to the scenery behind her.

"You can see the windmill, and I think that castle is the last hole. It looks really tricky", explains Observer.

"So, we're going to catch a quick 18, so it looks like you're off the hook for this week's experiment since we'll be way too busy having fun to watch you"

Aboard the Satellite, Mike and the 'bots are ecstatic.

"Of course", says Pearl impatiently, "we can't start until Bobo gets us some golf balls"

As if on cue, Bobo enters from the right and behind Pearl and Observer, hefting a bright pink pony.

"Now remember, pony. You are a pink ball"

"Okay" replies the pink, puffy-maned pony.

...

"What's that thing on your fanny?" Inquires Crow.

"Crow, don't ask them about their fannies!" Exclaims Mike.

"You mean my cutie mark? That's easy. When somepony discovers a special talent, they get a cutie mark so the WHOLE WORLD can know what that talent is!"

Servo jumps excitedly at this.

"Oh boy! I'll be right back!"

Servo disappears. Mike and Crow look at each other. Servo reappears with an elaborate mural on his hoverskirt.

"Hey guys, check out my cutie mark!"