Dear Ben,

I find most of your recent letter nearly impossible to believe. I'm glad that you decided not to lie to me just to assuage my fears of what is happening to you out there, but I suppose I simply cannot have my cake and eat it too. I cannot rebuke you for lying to me at one time and then be upset when you tell me a truth that leaves me worried. I prefer it this way. At least I can rest assured that you're still healthy and unharmed. But be honest, is everything you wrote to me in your letter true?

The reason I am so skeptical is just that your claims are so wild! Do humans really breed that often? You make it sound like it's their entire daily agenda! How could everything one does be for the singular purpose of procreation? How does anything get done there? Also, if human males think about that subject so often, does that mean that you think about it that much too?

There's also what you said about your supposed technology I find impossible to trust. We do have computers here in Equestria (well, we have a few). I have one that I use to run some very large calculations and algorithms on, so I know what one is, but how can you fit that into a body? My computer is one of the smallest models available, and it just barely fits in a closet! You really have a computer inside of you that runs calculations, plays music, and lets you talk to other humans far away in real-time without magic? That's fascinating! How do they get it in there and make it that small? How does it remain powered if you don't use magic? Where is its screen located, and where does it print your results? I would absolutely love to have a chance to look at it sometime!

Oh wow, I've asked quite a few questions already. I just got excited with the idea of something so intriguing being right in front of me, figuratively of course. I had one other inquiry that I have been thinking about ever since I last sent you a letter, but perhaps now I should wait to ask it? Well, in case you feel generous enough to grace me with more knowledge about yourself, I'll go ahead and ask. I wanted to know who your friends were back home? You seemed so off-put and shocked at the way amiable ponies like Pinkie treated you, so what is friendship like back in Judicial District 7?

Everyone in Ponyville is doing well as you might have guessed. The cold season just passed, so Fluttershy's had a lot more free time since she is no longer constantly battling to keep all of her animals comfortable (there was an outbreak of the sniffles that they passed around). As for her clock, she let me know that it was running well at first, but it started to slow down once again and lose the time. I promise that I will go have a look at it for you to see if I can fix whatever happened, so please don't worry about that. Rainbow's meeting with the Wonderbolts went quite well from what she's told us. (That's their name, Ben. Wonderbolts. If you mispronounced that in front of Dash, she'd sit you down to give you the reasons why they're the greatest aerial ace team in Equestria. I don't think you'd want that, so try to remember it this time.) She was in a star-struck stupor for days afterwards until she finally snapped out of it and got back to her training exercises with more ferocity than ever.

I dropped by Sweet Apple Acres personally to inquire after the Apple family for you like you had asked. They were a bit busy getting ready for the apple harvest this year, but Applejack was quite excited to hear that you had asked about her. Everyone is doing well and they're seeing a fine profit this year, meaning they will hopefully be able to replace that rickety old barn soon. She informed me that she would make sure when they built the new one that they included a stall that was extra-nice just for you.

Pinkie has been trying to take on more responsibilities at Sugarcube Corner recently, but that has not been going too well for anyone involved. I actually just got back from helping resolve a yeast-based confection disaster that she had orchestrated. So I can best state that Pinkie is still being Pinkie. She also wanted me to relay that it's alright if you can't remember your birthday, and that she'll just celebrate the day that you arrived in Equestria instead. There's no getting out of it, Ben. You can't escape her insatiable need to celebrate.

As for your "Sugarlump", I believe I will let her inform you herself. I heard that she's been given the privilege of delivering the mail to Songring this season in place of the usual courier who could not make the trip due to illness. Hopefully this letter finds you at all! If not, I've made a copy. If I don't hear back from you soon ,or I receive back a question of why I'm ignoring you, I will still have something to prove I did not forget.

Yours Still Ignoring Rules of Valediction,
Twilight Sparkle

Dear Sparky,

Alright, first off we need to set forth an understanding here that procreation and sex are in fact different when it comes to human vocabulary. The latter is just the act, while the former refers to the act with the intent to create offspring. I would suppose from your letter that this activity in Equestria is not considered an act of leisure or purely pleasure then? I believe some of the settlers here give me apt reason to suspect otherwise to that, specifically a certain useless violet pony, but perhaps this is a cultural difference. By his accent, I take it that he is not a native to the Sun of Chance, so perhaps the subject is just much more taboo in the regions you are most familiar with. As for if I think about it so often? Thinking of myself as an intellectual, I would like to believe that I have at least remotely overcome such base needs and have better things to think about most of the time. However... as stated, a need is a need. So I will just state that no, I do not think of it that often.

Also, I helped a tank give birth recently, so even if I did have those thoughts that often, I certainly wouldn't anymore after that experience.

There are quite a few questions about computers listed in your letter. So many, in fact, that I do not think I can address each individual one right now. I promise that I am telling the truth, and will see if I can give some basic explanations here. The device is referred to most commonly as the Cranial Cyber-Mesh Interface, but this is a bit of a misnomer. The CCMI refers to the GUI (which is the equivalent of the screen you asked about), so the true label should be CCM when referring to the device as a whole. It is a pseudo-organic mesh that overlays the brain beneath the skull and grows along with it as time progresses to interact with other organs as well. We do not use magic for it, but the fact that it is partially organic means that it is able to use caloric energy to help keep it powered since its energy consumption is very low usually. So basically, eating food helps to keep the device powered. How it is able to fit into the body is because its almost entirely solid-state, meaning it has nearly no moving parts, so it is able to remain very compact. That seems to be the best way I can explain it without cramping my hand or consulting a professional on how it functions. I'm afraid that if you want to see it, you would have to open my skull. I don't think either of us would enjoy the experience. How about I let you see my I/O ports next time we meet though? They are slots open at the junction of the spine and cranium that allow external devices to be hooked into my CCM, so that would be the closest you could get to seeing it without open-head surgery.

So you want to know about my friends then? I'm sure this comes of no surprise to you, but I do not have that many back home. I would not call myself a loner because that sounds as though I feel pride in it, which isn't true. Instead, I will say that I was just never very extraverted. Strange that my closest friend since grade school would be the very definition of extravert then, huh? Jeremey Prowler is his name, and he has been a socialite since I first met him. Why is he considered my friend? Honestly, I think it's because he needs somebody with half a brain to fall back on when his hasty decisions get him into a jam and none of his groupies (or followers, or whatever he'd call them) have an ounce of competence. That, or maybe I will just never know what kept us pals. I have one other individual I would call my friend, and his name is Cooper Thurs. Coop is a short guy, but really broad and tough. Also a very silent type, excluding a few crude or harsh statements he’s keen to supply when the timing’s appropriate. He once told me that I was the only smart kid that didn't talk to him like he was a moron, so maybe that respect is why he was happy to hang around me. I personally always felt he dressed too much like a criminal and acted like a bawdy brute, but I knew he would stand between me and anyone who wanted to beat my head in, so I could forgive it. I wish I had more buddies to tell you about, but those two are the only ones I would call friends. Everyone else is just someone I know. Is that something that makes sense here?

It's refreshing to hear the good news from back there. I appreciate you looking into the clock for me, because I have yet to stop feeling guilty about what happened that day. I will also do my best to remember the name of the Wonderdolts, if just to avoid Rainbow Dash's fanaticism with them, since you insist. It seems that sleeping in a barn is something that nobody will ever let me live down, but at least I will hopefully find the presidential suite of barn stalls awaiting me the next time I stop by Sweet Apple Acres for the night. I'm also sorry that Pinkie has been causing you some grief recently. I understand that completely, since I have my own little band of jackasses here that I have to ensure don't make a mess of things. Life would just be boring without them though, wouldn't it? We can thank them for keeping that from happening at the least.

It was very nice getting to meet with Sugarlump again. (You still haven't told me her name!) While she was here, she reminded me that I have a promise to keep. I still plan to keep that promise of coming back, Twilight, even if it seems like the days are passing by with no sign of me getting any closer to my return. I just don't know how long I will be out here, but I hope you believe me when I say that I promise I’m trying.

Yours Who Never Knew the Rules of Valediction Anyways,
Benjamen Prodder