Chapter 2: Face in the dirt

When I woke up I felt... hollow. I lay there in the field, not wanting to move. I didn't even know if I could move. I thought back to last night, how my life had been ripped apart. I thought of her. I just couldn't bare to think her name, I just wanted it to end.

Love... what's the damn point... It's great 'til it's over... What's the point of even going on? I thought miserably, Why am I even still alive? I could've... should've... just used the knife... It would've been less painful...

I suddenly felt angry, hatred welled up inside of me, it boiled my blood, seared my veins. I began to pound the floor with my hooves, tears bursting forth again.

"Why! WHY ME?! WHAT THE BUCK DID I DO?" I screamed at the air "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"
I started to tire, slowing my thumping of the ground until I gave one last feeble pound, before putting my head in between my hooves and sobbing.

I was miserable again, my heart feeling like it had daggers through it. My throat was hurting again, I couldn't believe anything had happened, part of me wanted to go back to Cloudsdale, and try and have a normal life, but deep down, I knew I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see... her face, just thinking about her... I wished I'd kept the knife...

"Why... why didn't I just do it..." I sobbed "Finish it all... " I carried on sobbing relentlessly.
Some time passed, it felt like hours, but it could have been minutes, I started thinking of ways to... go. I couldn't use the word "Kill", it felt like I'd already died.
I could hold my breath... painless... how long would it take though?

I realized I wasn't crying anymore, I just felt... tired. I couldn't bear to move, it hurt when I did, sending fresh waves of pain for every muscle that moved. I lay, unmoving in a kind of... trance. I lay there, I wasn't even thinking, my eyes had a glazed look to them. I wasn't thinking, the emptiness came back, consuming everything I was. In a way, it was a relief. But it was tinged with sadness and pain.

*****

I "woke up" hours later, feeling disoriented. The pain had... dispersed. It wasn't gone, it just wasn't as raw. I forced myself to stand, by the time I had, I stood there, swaying, trying to think straight. I felt numb, even emptier than before. I took a tentative step forward, feeling as though a breeze would cause me to shatter. I tried to stretch my wings, but they fell limply to my sides.

I stepped forwards again, trembling slightly, before I let out a long sigh.

"What's the point..." I whispered to myself before taking another step.

The point of what? A voice somewhere sounded.

"Everything..." I whispered, it felt good to talk, even if it was to myself. I took another step.

You're giving up! The voice in me accused.

"I... can't carry on..." I whispered again, almost pleadingly, I was giving up. "This isn't fair... I...I..."

I began to feel faint, exhaustion took over, and I simply passed out.

****

When I finally came around, I saw her. Staring at me. I blinked and she was gone. Different and conflicting emotions fought their way up. Anger, sadness, hate, love and everything in between. Above all else though, was confusion. I had no idea what I was supposed to feel. I almost broke down again, until I realized she wasn't real. She was never real.

She was sorry though... I reasoned
"Sorry she got caught..." I said out loud, my voice full of hate.
But you love her.
"Loved." I corrected myself
You still do. Said the voice deep in my head.

I ignored the voice... I knew it was just some messed up emotions.
"Emotions." I spat "What do they do except cause pain?"
I tried to walk, but found my left leg fired a blast of physical pain with every step.
Oh great... Now I can't walk...

So, I hopped. I hopped all the way. I didn't care about the pain though. It felt like I deserved it somehow. I'd began to revert to it being my fault again. I'd given up fighting myself though, I just accepted it.
All my money is in my bag... I thought meekly There should be enough for a house... I can leave this behind... If I deserve to anyway...

Either way, I kept hopping. If I was going to start again, I had to keep going. I moved with a single-minded determination. I had nothing but misery behind me, and an opportunity in front of me. There was a town in the distance, it looked... nice. I gave up any thoughts of going further. My mettle gave in at the sight of a place I might actually stay. It looked welcoming. I felt a tiny part of my pain... go. It just dissolved. I was still hurting, but the thought of somewhere I could go, somewhere I'd be safe, somewhere I could leave everything behind, kept me on my hooves.

A home... I thought sadly A new home...

I started walking, even my limp was gone. I'd been given strength by the hope of a hope. It felt good, to finally have something to hope for, even if I didn't really believe in it. It was hope that kept me going, I had no other source of energy. I hadn't eaten or drank anything for almost two days. But I kept going.

By the time I'd made it to the little town, it was almost dark. I looked up at the town hall, praying that the mayor was still there.
Thank Celestia she was.

"Excuse me?" I mumbled "Are you the mayor of this town?"
I realized how depressed my voice sounded, I didn't want anypony to "help" me, I preferred to deal with my own problems.
The grey haired mare turned around.
"Yes..." She sighed "I'm the mayor of Ponyville alright, what can I help you with?"
So that was the name of this town...Ponyville...
"I was wondering..." I said a little nervously, this wasn't a question you ask much, "Are there any houses for sale here?"
The mayor seemed to brighten up a little.
"Oh! I thought you were going to complain about one of Pinkie Pie's parties!"
"Who's-" I started, but the mayor was checking some paper. I waited patiently, ready for my dream to be destroyed as quickly as it had came.

"Why yes we do!" The mayor exclaimed, "It costs 1000 bits, if your interested."
I was shocked, I hadn't actually expected to be able to live here. I couldn't even speak, I dropped my bag and searched for my money. I found and counted it.

600... 700...850... 900... 950... 956...
My face dropped. I didn't have enough. I felt destroyed.I stood in silence for what seemed like hours, I felt empty again. There was now another hole where whatever hope I'd had used to be. I could barely understand what had just happened.
Wha- No... this isn't...it's not possible!

Something must've shown on my face because I heard mayor speak. I was barely paying attention.
"...what you have and... the rest off." Was all I heard.

I looked up.
"Sorry?" I said with a slightly confused look.
"I said if you want the house, you can give me what you have and work the rest off." She repeated.

I stared in shock. This was... great! I thanked the mayor over and over and over, the hole where my hope had been had been filled with... glee? I felt happy! I had a house!

As soon as I was done filling out boring paperwork and handing over my money, I'd practically ran to my new home. It was a small house near the edge of town. I loved it instantly. I didn't even bother to look around, just threw myself on the small bed in one of the rooms and slept soundly.

Chapter 1: Head in the Clouds (ReWritten))

I rubbed my eyes again, trying to wake myself up for the hundredth time. I examined the pony in the mirror. His brown mane was stuck up everywhere, as it always was, his eyes were were teal and his coat grey. I looked at his cutie mark, it was a small black wing attached to a small gold ring. That pony was me, I'd earned my cutie mark when I was when I'd first flown in a race. I didn't care whether I won or lost, it was the speed that I loved. I thought back to the day...

Me and the other foals were at the starting line, each one of us ready to bolt as soon as the race started. There were five of us racing, I was the smallest one, and the only "Blank Flank". I'd started to hate every minute of Flight school, never taking part in races, but I'd been forced into this one. As soon as the "Go" Was given, we all took off. It was pretty much chaos as we scrambled to get ahead of each other. When I realized I was in last place, I sped up, rocketing down the course. The way the wind felt was... indescribable. My little heart was pounding against my ribs, the wind was so cool against my skin. The adrenaline was...

I realized I'd been day dreaming for fifteen minutes, distracted by my own brain.
Always in your own little world... I thought, nearly grinning I better hurry up... I gotta meet Thunder in like half an hour...
I shook my head until my mane fell relatively flat, as I always did. I hated my mane sometimes, If it was stuck up it looked stupid, if it was perfectly flat it looked stupid. Shaking it up was the only way to get it right, and it never failed to give me a brief headache.

By the time I set off, I had about ten minutes.
Plenty of time! I thought cheerfully, whenever I was going to meet my mare-friend I was happy. Today was even better, we'd been together for about a year now, and as a special treat I'd managed to get tickets to the Wonderbolts! We both loved them, like most pegasi, but I'd bought these tickets months ago just to get some good seats.

I skipped up to Thunder Runner's door and knocked three times before waiting as looking absent minded as I looked around at the cloud town, Cloudsdale. A sweet voice broke me out of my dream-like state.

"Are you just gonna stand there like idiot or are you coming in?"
I jumped a little before looking up at her.
"Only if you want me in your house! You know how clumsy I can be!" I smiled.
"Hmm... What a dilemma!" The mare puzzled mockingly "Fine! Come in!"

I trotted in, back in my own little world, before tripping over a table. I heard laughter and smiled. I loved that laugh.
Thunder Runner walked down the stairs, still laughing at me.
"I knew you'd find a way to fall over something!" She giggled
I played along, holding my head in mock-shame. This was usually what happened between us, we joked.

******

We were walking to the stadium in silence, we saw each other most days and not much new really happened. I felt a little awkward, not having anything to say. When I told her we were going to see the Wonderbolts she'd freaked out. I couldn't wait to see her reaction when she saw what seats we had.

As we walked into the seating area, Thunder walked towards the middle seats, expecting to sit there. I nudged her to keep going, receiving a puzzled look from her, so I walked ahead of her, right to the front. When I sat down she looked at me ecstatically
"You got front row seats? How!?" She demanded
"I bought the tickets about two months ago." I replied grinning

Five minutes later, everpony was seated. Waiting in anticipation for the moment when the best fliers in all of Equestria would perform their death defying stunts.

When they blasted past us I heard Thunder scream a loud cheer. We were gasping and cheering with the rest of the crowd as they performed their promised Death-defying stunts. It was amazing being sat so close. I could feel the adrenaline radiating from the crowd.But, it had to end sometime.

The Wonderbolts finished their last trick and landed. The crowd started to file out, I stopped and waited for Thunder. She looked... distracted.
Something looks wrong... I thought
"You coming?" I asked
"Yeah...yeah, Go on ahead, I'll catch up..."
I shrugged and walked out with the crowd.

I waited. A minute went by... then two... then five... then ten...
Somethings not right... I thought She should've come out by now...

I walked back into the darkening arena, slightly cautiously. The I saw her. I felt the color drain out of my face... the world... as I saw her kissing one of the Wonderbolts. I felt devastated. My world had just crashed on top of me.
She broke the kiss with a gasp.
"Haste! I-... I am so sorry! Haste!" She carried on trying to explain herself, but I couldn't hear anything. The world had fallen silent. I started to back away, my throat was hurting, my eyes stung and began to blur.I took a step back, not believing what I saw. Before I turned around and ran.

This isn't... no this can't... I was unable to think straight, I could barely see. I was just going in the general direction of my home. My chest felt like it had been broken. My entire body felt crushed.

I walked in my house, feeling nothing but pain, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't understand why this had happened. I fell to the floor and cried and cried. I just let everything out.

There was a knife on my table. I stared at it. It would be so easy just to...
I picked it up, shaking, before placing it close to my chest. I raised the blade to ready to plunge it down and... I threw it. I just couldn't bear to put the cold metal in my chest.
I felt like a coward.
Do it! What else is there to do?! I shouted at myself in my head.
But I still couldn't do it. But neither could I stay here.

I pulled a bag over my back and threw a few things in. My money and other essentials. A tear landed on my hoof.

I can't believe this is happening...

I turned and left my house, not caring about the rest of my stuff, and started to fly.
I flew for hours without stopping, my wings felt like they were going to break. I kept flying. My joints were on fire. I kept going. My wings began to quiver. I kept going. My heart ached more than anything else though. I still couldn't think straight, different feelings and emotions were whirling around inside me.

Then my wings seized up and I fell, headlong into a field.