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Rainbooms Over Miami

by ROM

Chapter 6: Sucks to be hi- I mean, her...

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Sucks to be hi- I mean, her...

Chapter Six: Sucks to be hi- I mean, her...

Written by Suke


Before waking after the crash...

“Damn fuckers gave me some new scars,” I said as I rubbed my arm.

I could check off another world as safe to ruin itself. The creatures don’t make my job easy, but neither do they make it too difficult. With the odd tweak here and there, every problem is solved almost identically to those prior.

“Retarded buggers. Ah well, onwards and sideways. I’m coming for you Claire.”

I felt myself hop from inter-dimensional limbo into the next reality. As per usual, my attire changed, but I paid it no heed. First things first, I have to check out the place and compare to my rather large list of possible alternate realities.

The most obvious thing was I was walking on a cloud. I didn’t have any wings, so this made barely any sense. All around were more clouds: up, down, left, right, front and back. No land could be seen between the clouds below. The Sun was glaring down, yet I could see normally and the temperature was… unnoticeable. The clouds had a solid poofy look to them, in such a way they didn’t really count as clouds when I say ‘It was a clear sky’.

I roamed for some time. No wildlife to be seen anywhere. I jumped from cloud to cloud with surprising ease. Eventually, I spotted a figure some distance below me. I went for the quick option and basically leaped down directly. I figured the fall wouldn’t hurt me for some reason. I was right. With a soft thud I landed (with style I might add) behind a female human. Sadly, I noted my inability to gauge her. I could always tell when someone was good, bad or one of those ugly things in disguise.

This world had seen fit to give me access to a few of my large weapons arsenal upon arrival, which I was thankful for as I drew the sword from its sheath fastened at the hip. It was a one of my double edged blades. One of my favourite ones too, drawing without a sound. I felt throwing knives attached to one of my arms, hidden under the sleeve.

“There’s no point in that thing, if you’ll mind the pun,” the woman said.

“I do not know your allegiance in this world, and for that, I shall be wary.”

“Really now? What of chivalry?”

“The right to chivalrous treatment is proven when the knight is unsure.”

The woman turned around with a smile on her face, saying, “Oh come now Stephen. You can relax here.”

I twisted my sword so the blade reflected the confusing sunlight.

“You are not helping your case Miss. I know not who you are, I have never been here before, and no oracle can predict my coming. How do you know that name?”

“Would you prefer Tobias? Or Hermes? Thunder perhaps? Or more specifically: Thunder of the Infinite Arsenal? Or maybe how my brother knew you; Suke?”

“What? Who are you?”

“My name is Kayla Lynch.”

I recognised the surname, but I’ve travelled so much I couldn’t remember the source.

“Where are we?”

“Heaven, in one of its many forms.”

“I’m quite sure I’d know if I died… permanently anyway.”

“Many don’t. It can be sudden and unexpected. I saw my death as it came for me.”

"Well, I’m er… sorry for your loss?”

“Thank you. I was taken before my time, as it were, and now I worry for my brother, who could not be there for me. I know he wouldn’t blame you and the others but he certainly wouldn’t see himself as innocent.”

“I’m sorry, but who’s this brother you speak of?”

“He was with you when you died, as well as a few others.”

“One: I’m not dead Miss Lynch-”

“Call me Kayla.”

“-and Two, Miss Kayla: Could you stop being so cryptic and just tell me his name?”

“It’s better if I have you remember on your own. Do you recall when you became Thunder?”

“Of course I can, it’s when I met Claire. She inspired the name.”

“Not when you took on the name; when you first became the person that the name represented.”

“I think it was back in… where was it again? ... Equestria? Yes, I think so.”

“And what happened there?”

“Some fellow Bronies and I from my Earth crash landed, killing more than half of us. Those that remained died defending that reality. I remember Arky being the last to fall, pushing me into that goddamn portal. Dastardly bastards tore him to shreds in front of my eyes while the thing closed. Wait… Arky… Tyler Lynch! But he’s dead. Why aren’t you with him now if you’re so worried?”

“Things happened differently to what you believe Stephen. Look at yourself.”

I did. What I saw shocked me. I was exactly how I was when it all started. A weedy nineteen year old in Jeans, an Eddsworld shirt and my white Society hoodie. This did not bode well.

“But… all those experiences. They were real. I felt them.”

“Was it not what you’d always wanted? To travel to parallel dimensions, saving them all from an evil force bent on collapsing all reality? A thankless hero, not needing the appreciation of others?”

I opened my mouth to object, but it really was too good to be true anymore

“Well shit. I died in the crash didn’t I?”

“You died in the crash.”

“How’d I cross the threshold?”

“Your skeleton is pretty much dust.”

“Yeesh. So, what do you want me to do? We’re both dead. If you want me to haunt him, couldn’t you just do it yourself?”

“Equestria has a strong background radiation of magic. With a couple of pulled strings we can arrange to have you resurrected.”

“We? ‘The Big Honcho’... He’s real?”

“Yes and no.”

“Oh, He’s a She?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Ugh, I’m not gonna bother. I assume whatever’s in charge is okay with my thoughts on him or her or it or them, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. Now, why do you need to pull me away from my own literal piece of heaven and chuck me back into cruel real-life?”

“I died as you entered the Fire Rainbow, and Tyler’s going to hate himself for it. I just want you to look out for him while he gets over it. Obviously don’t tell anyone, or anypony, that I spoke to you. Or even that you died in the first place.”

“And the skeleton?”

“Replaced and improved.”

“Improved?”

“You’ll see. So, will you do this for me?”

I looked down at my sword. My grip had loosened over time. I sighed and tossed it to the side.

“If I must. I suppose the Equestria I know was just my imagination anyway. Need to see the real deal. Will I remember any of this?”

“Oh thank you! And I’m certain you will.”

From nowhere, Kayla pulled out a Zanpak To.

“Really?”

“I borrowed it from your memories. Now, just got to-” She paused, the Zanpak To’s hilt inches from my forehead. “Oh… Oh dear… Can’t he… oh my.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing! Actually… something… you’ll find out when you get there.”

With that she slammed the hilt into my foreword and returned me to the living, my last dead thoughts being of my hatred for indirect answers.


After running away like my tail was on fire...

Looking back now, perhaps I shouldn’t have acted as I did. It was just… everything! I went and ditched my family for some adventure to a land of magical ponies I didn’t even know existed or not. Yes, it did end up a success, but what came of it? Not only am I now a pony, but I’m a fucking mare! And then there’s this crap with Arky’s supposed recently deceased sister saving my life, or giving me a new one, WHATEVER! ARGH!

So, where am I now? Lost in a God forsaken forest filled with countless magical and mythical creatures all higher up on the food chain. Christ, I’m an idiot. Just had to scream like a madman and run. No doubt my face’ll be on posters. ‘WARNING: Insane Mare on the Loose, Do Not Approach and Alert Nearest Member of Guard.’ Only just arrived in Equestria and I’ve already fucked things up. That’s it, I’m done!

I found a nice and tall looking cliff face. If somepony were to fall off of it… that would surely be the end of them… perfect. There didn’t seem to be any walkable way up. I’ll just find my own way up. So, I climbed the thing. Finding hoof holds left, right and centre, swinging about at times, and making good time.

It wasn’t until I reached the top that I realised, “I shouldn’t have been able to do that… wait a sec…”

I looked at my despicably feminine flank and saw a cliff top similar to the one I stood upon currently.

“That’s awesome and all, but my mind is made.”

It took me awhile to choose how to go about committing the act. I decided upon tricking myself.

“Hey what’s that over theeeeeerrrrrr-” THUD

There was silence as I gathered my thoughts at the bottom, the thought gathering a big give away to the results of my plan. Needless to say, it hurt; like the Dickens.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! SWEET PONY JESUS!”

Silence once more, slowly accompanied by my pained whimpers. Tears started to blur my vision.

“Why? Why do you hate me so, whoever the fuck you are? People suicide all the damn time, so why can’t I? Is it some sort of Equestrian magic?”

I glared up at the sky, where I assumed whatever great entity was watching lived. I was going to give him a deal he couldn’t refuse.

“I’m going to kill every damn unicorn, alicorn and any other magic spewing creatures in this hellhole just to find out, or hopefully die trying. I swear to you, I will! So you have these options: One, you let me go slaughter ponykind; Two, ‘Smite me now, Oh, mighty smiter!’ Three, you turn me back right now, or at least give me back my manhood. Last but not least is Four, and I think you’ll have your work cut out for you with this, but number Four is this: You do something so incredibly nice that I’ll forget this all happened, or at least postpone my threat. You got all that?” Silence “Right, I don’t care really ‘cause One’s on default. I’mma go find civilisation and go all Chainsaw Massacre on their flanks.”

I got up, still aching all over. I started considering all the different kinds of ways to commit mass Equicide. No smiting occurred, and if they really intended to turn me back, that would be done by now too. There was always my last option, the delay being possibly due to lack of civilisation and/or it is taking time to build up. It’ll have to be a doozy, though. I hummed the tune to ‘September’, noting I could copy the story in the lyrics of said song.

By the time I reached the edge of the Forest (which, after spotting Reginald on my trek, I knew was most certainly Everfree) the Sun was rising. I had not failed to see how stereotypical our arrival was, crashing into the Everfree. If this were just some story, I would have had the crash somewhere else, but then again, it is the easiest place to have a crash without harming anypony… what do I care? I’m here to kill a third of the Pony population and their royalty.

With a fast and long strides, I passed by Fluttershy’s cottage. I thank small mercies that she was a Pegasus and didn’t have to put her six feet under. Don’t think I could ever live with myself, no matter what gender or species I was. When clear of the quaint residence I began to trot down the path I guessed led to Ponyville.

In hindsight, I should have expected the first thing that happened upon my arrival. I snuck around, hoping to find some easy to wield weapon of mass destruction (I wasn’t thinking clearly, alright?). However, there is one pony who spotted me. One which, to be perfectly honest, probably less ‘spotted’ me, than ‘hunted’ me with that sixth sense of hers. What was stupid though was, after making all that trouble to locate me, just did a repeat of when she first met Twilight.

I placed a hoof between my eyes, wishing I had fingers to rub the bridge of my nose, and sighed.

Looking up again, I said, “So you played your ace in the hole straight away huh? Well, don’t expect too much from this, BUB! No simple Pinkie Party’s gonna change my mind.”

So I now had a day free to explore the town while still maintaining the killing mood I was in. I had no idea where the party was going to be. Where to go first? Library? Maybe. Boutique? Heck no! Farm? Why not? I looked around for a hint of apple orchard and saw it silhouetted in the distance. Gonna get me one of those renowned apples.


I finally had a chance to catch my breath. I really hadn’t thought the day through; at all! Gee, you think? As has been specified by countless fan fictions, and agreed by many more, stealing an apple from Sweet Apple Acres is near suicidal. Not only was I caught munching on my third apple, the previous two cores at my feet- er, hooves, but I was caught by Rainbow Dash, who likes to nap over the orchards. She yells ‘THIEF’ to high heaven, catching Big Mac’s attention, and I have the toughest stallion in Ponyville and the fastest flyer of all Equestria on my tail. You’re just lucky RD flew into that branch. One which I lead her into.

I took in my surroundings. I was now hidden under a stall in the marketplace. With my pursuers nowhere in sight, I cautiously slid out of my hiding place, got up on all fours, then leant against the stall.

A voice asked behind me, “Just what d’ya think y’all were doin’ down there miss?”

“Just hiding from a couple of ponies I sorta pissed off.”

“What in blue blazes did ya do to ruffle Rainbow’s feathers so much?”

“Eheh, saw her did ya? Well, I got hungry and well, she caught me snacking on an apple or two… or three… thaaaaaaat didn’t belong to me. But just keep that between you and me would ya Miss- er…” I turned to face my company and felt the blood leave my face.

“The name’s Applejack., and I believe you owe me some bits.”

“Oh… er… bloomin’ ‘eck… you see, errrrrr…” I pointed a hoof behind her. “ALIENS ARE ATTACKING!” Unbelievably, AJ turned. I took the opportunity and ran like the wind, shouting, “I’ll go get the cheese!”

No sooner had I said that, I heard my now third pursuer calling after me, “Consarnit! Get back here ya varmint.”

Shortly after that, I spotted Big Mac coming in from the right. A lasso caught my left hind leg, but I shook it off, slowly me down only momentarily. Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God. I saw a half built house, which went on to connect to a long row of complete houses. It was time to put my special talent to good use. I headed straight for the building site, Stallions having their lunch breaks on the scaffolding.

What happened next I just can’t describe well enough to give it the justice it deserves. There were leaps, wall jumps, flips, swinging on poles and then some. When I landed on the neighbouring house’s roof, I felt like I should have been wearing a get up with a beaked hood. However, upon landing, I spared no time for admiring my feat of epicness. Big Mac was out of the picture now, but Applejack still had that accursed lasso.

What I’d forgotten was the first pony to chase me, and she had wings. I narrowly avoided Rainbow Dash’s first dive attack. I had plenty of rooftop to cover, and a Pegasus with free reign over the sky. The only advantage I had was RD’s boastful attitude warning me of her dives. Then, an idea came to mind. More than likely, it was going to backfire in the long run, but I only cared for the here and now.

I kept looking back to judge AJ’s lasso attempts. Eventually, the perfect opportunity arrived. I stopped to give the farm pony an easy shot, and she took it. I rolled down the opposite side of the roof I was on. Applejack’s lasso caught Rainbow’s torso, wings and all. The force of Dash’s dive pulled AJ from her place on the ground, and they both crashed, one after another, into another house across the street.

Lowering myself to the ground, I threw a quick glance at the damage. Yep, definitely gonna pay for that in the long run. Maybe I can throw some blame on them for reckless behaviour… Perhaps I could, but now was a time for more hiding; but where to go? I felt the sleeve on my hooded jacket sag. It was almost completely torn at the seams. ‘Which seams?’ I hear you ask? All of them!

Another plan came to mind. Looking back now, I really was a glutton for punishment.


Deceiving Rarity hadn’t been too hard at all. I had done some amateur acting back on Earth. All I had to do was collapse through her door, a little extra mud here and there, and her generous side kicked into overdrive. Then came the questions. I’d planned for them, but, well, those that I planned for were only the beginning.

She’d insisted on fixing up my jacket, washing all the pieces (it had fallen apart completely on my way to the Boutique) and sewing them back together. I claimed I could not read, so the writing on the jacket was ignored. My state had been due to escaping Diamond Dog slavery (that plucked on her heartstrings even more so), and before then I had come from Trottingham. One thing I had not counted on was the lack of zips in Equestria.

I’m not too good at lying on the fly, and started putting holes in my formerly concrete lies. I had put on my newly repaired clothing, and was leaving the Boutique as calmly as I could, when a knock rang upon the front door.

Twilight’s voice came through the door, “Are you in there Rarity? We need your help!”

As I watched Rarity pass me, giving me a suspecting look, I was really wishing I’d managed to kill myself earlier. Once the unicorn turned her attention to the door, I began edging myself to the kitchen, recalling a back door in the area. The door opened too soon for me to hide.

“There you are Rare. There’s a thief somewhere in Ponyville, and we’re making a search party.”

“Do we know what this thief looks like?”

“She has a white hooded sweater of some kind with writing on it.”

“Oh really?”

I made a last ditch attempt for the kitchen door, but was held in place by magic, presumably Rarity’s.

“Because I think I’ve found her.”


I sat curled up in the foetal position, my two front hooves firmly pulling the hood of my jacket over my face. Twilight had carried me like this to her Library, followed close behind by Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack. I could feel all the judging eyes rest upon me as we passed the crowds of ponies going about their business.

“Miss, if you don’t lift your hood from your face, I’m going to have to force you.”

As I felt the beginnings of magic take form around my hood, I let go. The hood made its way off of my mane. I stared fearfully at the four ponies looking down on me.

“Now, what you’ve done today wasn’t very good was it?”

I shook my head.

At least you’re aware of your wrongdoings. First off, what is your name?”

I realised I couldn’t just tell them my human name. Wouldn’t make sense and it was male too. Twilight took my silence to be hesitance.

“If it helps, I’m Twilight Sparkle, personal student to Princess Celestia.”

I knew what my pony name had to be. I’d done it physically and socially, so it seemed only right.

“Cliff Jumper,” I whispered.

“Well, Cliff Jumper, we need to know: Why did you steal from Sweet Apple Acres, and then lie to Rarity like you did?”

“I don’t have any bits, and I hadn’t eaten in awhile… I only meant to take one, but they were so good. And then, after the big chase through town, my hoodie was in pieces.”

Rainbow Dash leapt forward, glaring at me.

“You could have just asked ya know?”

“I- I- I’m sorry! The past few hours beforehand hadn’t been kind to me and… and… and I wasn’t thinking! Let me make it up to you! I… can work on the farm… and model for the Boutique. And the damages in town; let me help there too! Just please, don’t kick me out of town. I’ve got nowhere else to go.”

“Kick you out of town?” Rarity balked, taken aback. “Goodness me, we’d never do that! We’re not savages!”

“You… you wouldn’t?”

“Course not sugarcube. Besides, I can tell you’re being honest with us this time.”

“ALRIGHTY THEN!” Pinkie shouted, appearing behind me. Needless to say, I screamed. “Let’s get you to the town hall for your party!”

“So that’s why we couldn’t find you,” said Twilight, ignoring her guest’s reaction to the party mare.

“It was hard getting hold of the drinks.”

I relaxed my muscles, lowering a hoof from my chest.

“Drinks?”

“Yep! I got this feeling that you’d prefer the good stuff, so I dug up some of my secret stash. Enough Sweet Apple Acres Cider to knock out the princesses.”

“Awesome!” RD exclaimed as she pumped a hoof into the air."

Just then a burping sound was heard from another room.

“Twilight!” called Spike. “There’s an urgent letter from Celestia; says she needs all the Elements to hear this.”

RD moaned. “I’ll go fetch Flutters.” She flew out the front door.

“And I’ll take Cliffy to his party!” My eyes widened.

“Cliff’s a mare, darling.”

“That’s what I said.”

Before I could question her about it, Pinkie grabbed my hoof and zipped me to townhall.


“I get a Pinkie party, thrown for me of all people, plus actual alcohol, as weaksauce as it is, and the Mane Six aren’t here to flirt with, ignoring the fact I’m a fuckin’ mare. My life just bloody rocks, doesn’t it?”

I was talking to myself. As ‘weaksauce’ as the drink was, I’d had a LOT of it. It made me rant, specifically about the shittiness of my life; only to myself however. Whenever somepony came over to talk to me I’d put on a smile and greet them. I’d met Cheerilee, Ditzy, Minuette, Lyra, etc. The list was rather long. Vinyl Scratch was on the DJ set so I hadn’t spoken to her yet. That was about to change though.

Vinyl joined me at the bar, which I didn’t know the Town Hall had. I didn’t look to see who it was initially, so to me, it was just another random, getting a drink.

“I gotta say, for the pony who’s the whole reason we’re having this party, you’re not being very interactive.”

“I gots a lot on my mind.”

“Oh really? Like what?”

“You wouldn’t believe me.”

“Try me.”

“You won’t laugh?”

“I’ll try not to.”

I sighed, then explained, “About twenty four hours ago, I was a guy.”

“Sorry, what?”

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”

“It’s not that. It’s just… not something you hear every day.”

“You can say that again.”

“I suppose it is possible though. Being a unicorn, I know that magic is capable of loads of things. Is it just physical or what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, do any of the mares here attract you?”

I looked behind me at the female dominated party, and considered the question.

“I… think so.”

I turned to finally realise who I was talking to.

“Wait, I’m getting life advice from THE Vinyl Scratch?”

“I’m not that famous, am I?”

“You’re famous enough."

She blushed… It looked cute… Yeah, definitely still into girls. The fact that they were ponies didn’t seem to bother me. Maybe it was the insane amount of drinks. It had got to the point where the bar attendant wouldn’t serve me anymore. Not my fault I still had my human (and part Irish) liver.

“Aw, shucks. If I didn’t already know Octy wasn’t into threesomes, you’d definitely be at the top of my list. I can tell you were telling the truth earlier. You’re a true gentlecolt.”

“It’s the British blood in me.”

“British? What’s that?”

“Oh, well, that’s another story altogether. Where is this Octy anyway? Perhaps I could… change her mind?”

“I’ve half a mind to let you try. She’s attending to my equipment while I get us drinks. I should really get back to her. The flashing lights confuse her.”

“Oh… ok.”

“If you're still here when my last couple songs are on, I’ll introduce the two of you.”

“I should think I’ll last that long.”

I dunno. That mare over there’s been checking you out since before I showed up.”

I turned in the direction Vinyl nodded to. There danced a plum coloured pony, looking off elsewhere, having obviously just turned her head suddenly.

“So she is. Well, I’ll see you later maybe Miss Scratch?”

“Please, call me ‘V’. And yeah, maybe you will.”

She gave a provocative grin and left the bar, two drinks levitating alongside her. I decided I’d get more involved with this party. It was for me after all. I downed the remains of the last drink I’d been allowed, then approached the mare.


I opened my eyes to find a familiar... landscape?... before me; one of solid pearly clouds and endless sky in all directions. I knew where I was. It seemed I’d failed Kayla’s request without even talking to Arky once since coming to. Looking down, I took some relief in being a man again

“I’m… sorry I didn’t warn you about… what happened to your… you know…,” Kayla’s voice got quieter as she spoke.

“It’s fine. Not like it’s a problem now anyway,” I replied, looking for the source of the voice.

Kayla was sat on the edge of the cloud above, looking down while sipping from one of those cardboard coffee cups.

“Erm, well… I never said you only had one shot. I’m going to be sending you back soon. Just have to wait for the right time. Can’t have you just jumping up alive next to an apparent rock wielding pony.”

“Yeah, that was a tad bit scary.”

We both chuckled, and then there was an awkward silence.

“So… What’s that you’re drinking?”

“Oh this? It’s Tim Hortons coffee. Wanna try some?”

“I don’t drink coffee. Theorised that if I did, I’d break the speed of sound, I’d get that hyper. I drink Hot Chocolate though; does Tim’s do Hot Choc?”

“Sure. Here.”

Another cup appeared by my head, which I caught and drank. Boy was it good!

“You know, we could make some changes to this drab place.”

“Really? Like, can we add NPCs? And our own landmarks?”

“Yeah. Like that game… what’s it called?… Minecraft? But with less effort.”

“Sweet.”

So, we started planning a little village to kill the time we had left. I got the impression from Kayla I’d be seeing her a lot. I failed to see the foreboding. At the end of it all, to send me back, she had me struck by lightning. It hurt. She laughed. I suppose she has to have her fun somehow.


Correction, it wasn’t the lightning that hurt, it was the defibrillator the doctors in Ponyville hospital were zapping me with.

“ARGH!”

“What in the-” The Doctor’s hooves slipped, defibbing me again.

“ARGH! Dammit man, stop that!”

The equipment was put away by a couple of nurses, the doctor continuing to stare at me in disbelief.

“What’s wrong? Never succeeded in bringing someone back to life before?”

“No- I mean yes- I mean… I’ve succeeded before… It’s just… usually they only start breathing again. Nopony’s ever come back as if they’d woken from a nap.”

“Well, you see something new every day. What happened anyway? One minute I’m getting it on with some fine lady, the next, electrocuted for medicinal purposes.”

“You started coughing up blood into the poor mares mouth then dropped to the ground. You were officially dead when we pushed you through the hospital doors. We believe it was internal bleeding. We only tried resuscitating you because your heartbeat came back faintly. Do you know how this could have happened?”

“Probably when I tried killing myself by jumping off a cliff.”

“WHAT!?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m fine now.”

I hopped off my hospital bed, ignored the doctor’s insisting voice, saying something about check-ups and so on, and trotted out the front double doors of the building; albeit 30 minutes later (Hospitals are cleanly mazes of doom!). I let the early morning light pierce my eyes, as everything around me sunk in. The smells, the townfolk, the strange happy-go-lucky atmosphere. Can’t say I’m used to that yet. What a depressing thought. I shook my head, nipping the depression in the bud. I set off in the direction of the town centre.

Next Chapter: Wounded Hearts Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 4 Minutes

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