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Everfree Survival (Comment driven story)

by Hrafn

Chapters

Wake up in the forest

Everfree Survival

by Hrafn (and his various pseudonyms)

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fanmade piece of fiction based on the story “Wake up. See This. What do?” by RazortheAwesome, with his permission. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is property of Hasbro, no copyright infringement is intended. Please support the official release.

Chapter 1: Wake up in the forest

You groan as something bright wakes you up. Shielding your face with your arm, you curse whichever deity decided to make the sun so radiant. You sit up and rub your eyes, before trying to step out of bed, and fail completely.

Wait…

This isn’t your bed. In fact, it’s not a bed at all. It looks like grass, if a bit cartoonish. You look around, trying to figure out where you are.

You are in a vaguely circular clearing surrounded by a dense forest of unidentifiable trees.  Under you there’s grass, and there are some fungi on one of the trees. You can hear birds twittering further up. Some of the trees have low branches, while other trees are tall with almost no branches at all. You’re confused by this, because this would normally indicate different types of tree, yet they all look the same other than branch amount and grouping.

“Where am I?”  You ask. It being a rhetorical question, you do not get an answer, not that there’s anyone around to answer. You try to recall how you ended up in a forest, but come up blank. You remember playing a few games on your computer like the baws you are last night, checking for updates on a story you’re following like a baws, having a nightcap like a baws, and then going to bed like a tired baws. This does not, however, explain how you got here, only that you’re a baws. Because, honestly, you’d have to be a baws to do those things.

You idly wonder if there are any dangerous predators in this forest. Probably not, seeing as you didn't get attacked in your sleep, but it might be a good idea to be careful anyway.

Trying out something you remember from playing Zork, you think ‘inventory’ and… Feel a list in your head. You didn’t expect that to work, but apparently it did. Strange. You wonder why you tried it if you didn't expect it to work, but get distracted by the list.

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited)

* Pouch of tobacco (full)

* Pack of cigarette papers (50 papers)

* Bottle of vodka (500ml)

* Coil of rope (20m)

* Hatchet

* Swiss Army Knife

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth)

* Bottle of water (1l)

* First-aid kit (closed)

* Sewing kit (closed)

* Thermos filled with your favorite hot beverage

You don’t know how this works, but decide to just roll with it. It worked, so there’s no reason to complain. Looking around again, you notice that there is indeed a backpack with those items inside beside you. You have no idea how that got here, but you do know you’ve never owned this backpack or the items inside. Given the circumstances, though, you figure you might as well hold on to it, the stuff inside might be useful. You close the backpack and sling it over your shoulder, securing it safely to your back.

Standing up, you stretch your legs and take a short walk to get a feel for the area. You're pretty sure you could climb some of these trees, and some of the local plants look edible if you need food. Some, such as a bush of blueberries, look familiar. Others are completely alien to you. You note that blueberries mean it's probably late summer or fall. None of the trees around you seem to bear fruit. You can hear a stream nearby, and could probably get water there.

You can see a few suitable locations you could use to set up a primitive camp. There's a tree with branches forming a makeshift ceiling. There are some rocks and pebbles around you could use to make a fire pit. Not knowing the local wildlife, you postpone a decision for where to settle.

You decide not to leave the clearing until you've had some time to think about things. Sitting down, you get the water bottle and have a sip. As you do so, you see something in the corner of your eye. You turn your head and see a note on the ground.

'Welcome to the Everfree Survival Challenge.

You have been randomly selected from a group of potential subjects. You are in the Everfree Forest, and your task is to survive. Your current body is a copy of your real one, if it dies you will start over at the last safe point. If you survive for 6 months or escape the forest, you will be rewarded. Prizes may vary depending on your actions in the forest.

Because of certain restrictions, not everything will be realistic. If any bugs are discovered, please notify an admin or moderator at earliest convenience.

Finally, your first course of action should be seeking out Zecora, a zebra living somewhere in this forest. She will help you get started on the challenge, and can teach you about the local flora and fauna.

Good luck,

Admin Celestia

Admin Luna'

The message is strange, and confusing as hell. [You have gained status effect: Confused. You have received quest: Find the Zebra.] Sure, it does answer a few questions, but now you have even more of them. The part about bugs is especially confusing. And who the hell are these admins anyway?

According to your biological clock, this would normally be when you eat breakfast. Of course, seeing as you're not in your home, you have yet to get into your usual morning routine.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are not tired. You are slightly hungry. You are not thirsty.

You currently have the following skills and abilities:

* Basic survival

* Basic cooking

* Basic construction

* Basic sewing

You currently have the following positive status effects:

* Noob protection

You currently have the following negative status effects:

* Nicotine addiction (minor)

* Confused

Current quest: Find the Zebra

Search for a water source, some food and supplies to make camp.

You head towards the sound of the stream. On the way, you notice a plant that reminds you of hemlock. Mentally noting down it's location, you keep moving towards the stream.

You ponder for a moment whether its even possible to swap out one's body for a copy like these "admins" claim they did with you, but that thought leaves your head as soon as it enters. You have more pressing matters to attend to at the moment.

You see a river. Not deep enough for swimming, you think you could wade over with little difficulty. The water is mostly clear. It may contain fish, but you don't see any. The trees have thinned out a bit. When you look up, you see there's a small mountain on the other side of the river, an estimated three hundred meters away. With your basic knowledge of wilderness survival, you realize you should make your camp close to the water.

You don't have anything in which to carry water, but you're pretty sure you can refill your bottle here if needed.

What do you do?

Taking stock

Dump the vodka, refill bottle of vodka with water.

You move to empty out the vodka to have more available water, but feel compelled to keep it.

Time. Location. Length until "Noob protection" status ends. Further information on Noob Protection. Find out if there's a help file. If so, read it, unless it's an encyclopaedic thing that would take too long to read. Assuming none of this bears fruit, move on.

You consider your options for a while, and decide to find out more about this "noob protection" thing. Seeing as it worked earlier, you focus you mind,  'Help: Noob protection'

Noob protection

Given your unfamiliarity with the situation, a spell has been placed on you to keep you from doing things that would make your stay more difficult. You will automatically know not to do certain things if you consider attempting them, and predators are repelled by your presence. Noob protection lasts two days.

Pretty straightforward. You take note of the idea that there's magic in this place, maybe you could learn some? You file this information in your mental "needs research" bin.

You glimpse the sun in the sky. It looks to be about noon.

If I don't know my location relative to the nearest edge of the forest: If it's not too steep (Too steep being defined as "Would take a considerable amount of time and effort to climb") climb the mountain. While doing this, keep an eye on the sun to determine if it's setting or rising, if I don't know the time. If I note it's setting, and I can't get to the top of the mountain and back again with thirty plus minutes to spare, head back down and make camp with the intent to continue with my plans tomorrow.

When at the mountain's peak, or as close as one can safely get, keep an eye out for habitation and see if I can see one or more edges of the forest.

You walk over to the side of the mountain, giving it a closer look. You know if you get to higher ground, you'll have a better perspective on your situation. You think you could climb it, but some parts would require tools. You can get up a bit, but not all the way.

You start climbing what you can. You notice it's pretty solid, with few loose rocks. Vegetation is sparse up here, only some moss scattered around. Upon reaching the highest point you can get to with tools, you turn around and look out over the forest. It's huge! You'd have to get even higher to even see the edge of the forest. You see the ruins of a castle in the distance, probably an eight-hour trip each way, given some of the obstacles that might be in the way.

There is a small hut a bit closer to you. You think you could reach it in about five hours, and you think you can see some smoke rising above it, indicating it's inhabited. You remember a zebra being mentioned, maybe that's where it lives?

Descend the mountain. If it's more than an hour or two from sunset, drink the hot chocolate once I've gotten back down from the mountain, and re-fill all three containers with river water. If it's heading towards sunset, keep it for warmth, drink what water I can hold, and re-fill water bottles.

You get back down from the mountain. The activity has made you a bit thirsty. You drink the beverage in the thermos and refill it from the river. You glance at the sky, the sun seems to have moved a fair bit. You estimate the time to be about the middle of the afternoon.

You think it might be time to set up camp, at least a temporary one. The problem is, where and how? You're not sure how cold the night will be, so a campfire and a good place to sleep will be convenient. You briefly curse the admins for not giving you a sleeping bag.

Search for traps

*roll*

5

There are no traps to be found. However, upon considering this, you realize that setting traps would be a good way to get food.

Create a torch, just in case.

You look around for items with which to make a torch. You find a dead branch under a tree, but you feel like you need something else to complete the torch. A strip of cloth or piece of rope might work.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are getting tired. You are pretty hungry. You are slightly thirsty.

What do you do?

Setting camp

See if you can learn magic.

Finding a pebble, you sit down and stare at it, focusing really hard on lifting it. You try everything you've heard about magic from various sources, yet you can't make the pebble rise. You realize you have no idea how to use it, and resolve to try again later if you find out.

Drink, fill up water bottles, then set out towards the hut.

You drink from your water bottle, then refill what you used in the river.

Head to the hut.

You gather up your items and start the trek in the direction you saw the hut earlier. You pass countless trees. The scenery is rather nondescript, but you can occasionally see noteworthy things like colorful birds, interesting plants, and a few predators. You notice they don't seem very interested in you, although that might just be that noob protection deal.

if I need a cigarette, wait a little bit, and then have one.

While walking, you get the tobacco and a paper, rolling yourself a cigarette like a baws. As you light it, you notice that your lighter is of the torch kind, which means it'll work perfectly fine in the wind.

You continue towards where you saw the hut, puffing idly on your cigarette. You notice that the smoke seems to repel insects - quite useful, considering some diseases are transmitted through insects.

When the sun gets to be around an hour from setting, keep going, and start looking for a river. In the event that I find one, set up camp, with a fire, and eat. In the event that I don't find one, make a torch out of a piece of my shirt, a large stick, and some of my butane, and keep going.

The sun is hanging low on the sky, your legs are starting to ache, from all the walking, and you're getting really hungry. You can't find a river, but you're not hurting for water. You know you can go 3 days without water before you die, and you think you can find something before then.

The trees are starting to thin out, and you reach a clearing that looks like it would be excellent for setting camp. [Hint hint.] There are a few trees that look dead and dry, which would be excellent for firewood. You also see some birch-like trees, and you remember from a book you read once that the bark of birch is excellent for starting fires. There are some rocks around, and there's even some trees placed in an excellent pattern for building a makeshift shelter. It's almost like this place was made for setting up a camp.

You see some more berry bushes around, and you notice that you are famished. You should really eat something. [You have gained negative status effect: Hungry 1. Your physical stats are temporarily reduced.]

Approach the hut carefully. If the inhabitant is awake and appears non-hostile, approach them. If the inhabitant is not confirmed to be both these things, set up camp near the hut, but not within it's sight, and without a fire.

You suddenly realize there's a problem. Although you were heading in the direction of the hut you saw, you don't know it's exact location, so you don't know which direction it is in. Given the circumstances, you think it would be a very good idea to get a feel for your location, but how?

I'm treating this like an intellectual puzzle and putting an appropriate amount of effort in.

You have earned hint: Puzzle

Getting out requires more than walking. There is indeed a puzzle involved.

I'd advise them to set up camp,

Also, if a fire is set up (and I advise that), it should be made thusly; dig a small burrow that connects two holes and set the fire inside the burrow. That should keep most of the fires from showing and disperse most of the smoke.

You get the hatchet and chop off branches from a dead tree, getting some bark from the birch while you're at it. Digging a small pit with your hands, you put the bark at the bottom for kindling, then carefully put the pieces of branch on top. You squirt some butane on it, and light up. The fire soon takes hold, and you put some thicker branches on top to keep it going.

check the berries if they are edible before eating,

You pick some berries and analyze them. They look okay, so you dig in. It's good but you're not quite satisfied. [You have lost status effect: Hungry 1.]

otherwise set traps and get some game,

You use the rope and some springy branches to set up a few basic snares for small game.

and finally make a weapon or two.

You find a good branch and fashion a club out of it. It's not much, but it'll do. It also doubles as a walking stick. [You have gained item: Walking Stick of Doom.] You suspect the hatchet might be a better weapon, even if it's made for chopping wood rather than limbs.

Oh, and check the water before drinking. water poisoning can SUCK.

You look at the water for a moment, but realize that it came from running water and is probably safe.

Having set up a simple camp, you curl up on the grass by the fire and sleep. [You have gained status: Well-rested.]

As you wake up, you notice a rabbit has been caught in one of your snares.

You currently have the following positive status effects:

* Noob protection

* Well-rested

You currently have the following negative status effects:

* Nicotine addiction (minor)

* Confused (receding)

Current quest: Find the Zebra

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are not tired. You are pretty hungry. You are barely thirsty.

What do you do?

Day two

Clop furiously

You consider masturbating, before deciding that now really isn't the time for that. The rating demands you do this in privacy and don't mention it at all.

Prepare, cook, and eat the rabbit for breakfast.

You skin the rabbit with your knife. You don't have much experience with such, and ruin the fur to the point where you can't use it for anything noteworthy. Despite that, you don't seem to have wasted much meat. Remembering that rabbits have very little fat and so lack the fat-soluble nutrients you'll need, you cut out the intestines, leaving the heart, liver, and contents of the stomach in the makeshift bowl made by the absence of internal organs.

You relight the fire with the remaining coals and some more branches, in preparation of cooking the rabbit. When the fire is properly burning, you get a few sticks and produce a sort of stand on which you can place it while it cooks.

A while later, the food is done and you dig in. You notice that it doesn't taste as well as you would have liked, lacking the spices you would normally use for cooking. Nonetheless, it's filling and provides much-needed sustenance. You drink some water to go with it, knowing that the metabolism of proteins is dependent on hydrolysis. You learned basic chemistry and biology in school.

Climb a tree, and look for Zecora's hut.

You walk up to the tallest tree in the vicinity. Having done a lot of tree climbing in your childhood, you scale the tree easily, and reach the top quickly. Scanning your surroundings, you take a moment to be amazed by the beauty of this morning. The sunrise is red on the horizon, just to the side of the mountain you came from. The forest stretches far, but you can see a small hut in the distance, perhaps half an hour away. You are relieved by the fact that you didn't miss your target too bad. Taking note of it's direction relative to that of the sun, you climb down.

If we can see it, break camp and head towards it until we lose direction again, then climb another tree. Repeat until we get to the hut.

You gather up your stuff, dismantle the snares, and get ready to head out. Making sure the sun is to the right of- and slightly behind you, you start walking. Hitting some rocky terrain on the way, you're glad you have your walking stick. Some of it is somewhat difficult to traverse. As you take a break from walking, a problem comes up. Heavy clouds have obscured the sun, and it's starting to rain. You now have two problems. The first is that you can't navigate using the sun. The second is that the rain has made the terrain more difficult to traverse.

You sit down under a big tree, staying mostly dry with it as cover. Seeing as there isn't much to do, you roll a cigarette and light up, pondering what you know.

The forest is huge. There's a castle in it, which indicates major habitation in the past. Given it's apparent state of disrepair, you'd estimate at least three hundred years since it was inhabited. The forest, which was probably small at that time, probably grew with nobody to keep it in check.

There's a hut in here, with obvious signs of habitation. This is either a hermit living in isolation, or someone with connections outside the forest. Either way, it would be a useful source of information, be it on how to get out or on the local wildlife. If you're really lucky, both.

From the hint you got earlier, you deduce that getting out will include a puzzle or test. What this might be, you don't know.

You know that if you die, you will have to start over. You know the noob protection will not be replenished, so if you have to start again from scratch, you'll have to get some sort of weapon early on. You have a hatchet, but that will hardly help if there are wolves or bears in the forest.

While thinking, you wonder how you were able to see so far in detail. A hut shouldn't normally be visible from that distance.

[Glitch detected. Thank you for reporting the glitch. Fixing... Fixed.]

[You have gained a reward for reporting a glitch: Binoculars.]

Learn to use fire as a weapon

(If we need to provide more detail for Razor's idea to work, we can simply use a torch as a weapon.)

[Error: No such skill. You have (1) remaining skill point(s).]

[You have discovered: Skill tree.]

[Currently available skills: Physical (1/5), Mental (1/5), Arcane(0/5), Melee (0/5), Unarmed (0/5), Survival (1/5), Knowledge (0/5).]

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty. It is raining.

What do you do?

Honey, I'm home!

Query "Help <skill name>" for each of the nine skills that appear on our skill tree.

Having discovered the skills, you realize you need more information about what they do. As such, you try out a few commands.

Skill help

Please specify a skill.

Help skill information

Unrecognized command.

Help: Skills

Skills come in various forms. The first is the basic three: Physical, Mental, and Arcane. After these, you can get various skills, with a variety of prerequisites before they can be purchased. Each skill has five ranks. Basic, adequate, intermediate, expert, and master. The three first skills make other skills more efficient. For example, more skill points in Arcane will let you cast more Firebolts without resting, and lowers the time it takes to charge up the necessary energy. The currently visible skill tree is the first form, if you max out any skill you will see the full tree. [Warning: Full tree subject to change at any time.] For information about individual skills, use skill help: <skill name>. Some skills will also provide basic ability in other things. Basic Physical will give you basic construction. Basic Mental will give you basic sewing. Basic Physical and Mental will give you basic cooking. There are other combinations, but you'll just have to experiment if you want to find them.

Skill help: Physical

The Physical skill is just what it says

Makes it easy to clean up your mess

You're strong and fast, and agile too

Max this, and the strongest brute is you

Skill help: Mental

Quick of wit and a disciplined mind

In thinking you leave all the others behind

You figure things out at the speed of light

But are somewhat lacking in physical might

Skill help: Arcane

The mystical ways of the wizard lay here

Freeze the wolf, incinerate the bear

A useful skill, but take great heed

To use it, strength and wits you need

Skill help: Melee

Combat with blades and maces is good

An axe is useful for more than just wood

You've got your weapon, nothing to fear

You're the apex predator here

Skill help: Unarmed

This is the path of the pugilist

To enter a battle, scream "I cast fist!"

Your hands are the greatest spell you know

You use it for combat, not pulling a plow

Skill help: Survival

Forest is your home

The mountain is your dwelling

You survive outside

Skill help: TK

Move things with your mind

You have psionic power

It is awesomeness

Skill help: Firebolt

Burn, baby burn!

Disco inferno!

(Catchy tune not included.)

Skill help: Knowledge

Tired of reading dusty old tomes?

Tired of asking questions and doing research?

Max this baby out, and do it retroactively!

Warning: Results may vary.

(Note: Ranks in Knowledge will help you know the right commands.)

Head for the hut if it's not raining heavily. Keep an eye out for sharp rocks of a reasonable size for spear-heads. If we find one, whack it with the flat of our hatchet: Flint tends to form in sharp shapes, but is far too brittle for an effective spear. (Thank you Gary Paulsen!)

Naturally, if we find a suitable rock that won't break, pick it up and take it with us.

Wait until the rain has stopped

If the rain does not stop until dark, make camp and rest for the night

Otherwise, carry on to the destination.

On the way, look out for hard, sharp rocks. Pick the one resembling a spearhead the most.

Having gained a lot of knowledge about your options, you think on it for a minute, then notice it has stopped raining. You climb up into a tree and use your binoculars to scope out the location of the hut. You find it sitting there, smoke in various colors rising gently from a hole in the top. Now that you're closer, you see that it is made of wood, in the vague shape of a tree. There is no proper roof, simply "branches". You figure it was probably treated with tar to keep water out.

You climb down and head towards it. On the way, you find a rock that looks nice. You strike it with the back of your hatchet, and a diamond-shaped piece breaks off. Figuring it might be used as a spearhead, you pocket it. You try striking the rock again, just in case, but nothing interesting happens.

You notice your Walking Stick of Doom is not suited for making a spear. you find a young straight tree and chop it down. Using your knife, you carve away everything that doesn't look like the shaft of a spear. You know it won't be good for much until it gets time to dry, but you don't think that will be a problem before your noob protection wears off.

You have reached the hut. There are tribal-style masks decorating the surroundings. The door looks like you'd have to bend your head to enter, probably made for someone (or something) shorter than you.

You estimate the time is between nine and eleven in the morning.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty.

What do you do?

Quest complete

Knock on the door, and be polite to whoever answers it. If no one answers the door, then try again later.

You walk up to the door and knock. A few seconds later, it opens to reveal black and white striped creature with a striped mohawk and a strange symbol on it's flank.

"Good morning, adventurer, I was expecting you. Please, come in, and taste my magic brew."  The creature seems to be speaking in rhyme, but is in no way incoherent. You join her inside, and are served up an unrecognizable soup-like substance. It tastes good. You are also served some bread to go with it. While you eat, she introduces herself.

"Zecora is my name, and you are here to learn. I'll provide the knowledge for which you yearn."

Quest complete: Find the zebra

You have gained 1 skill point(s).

"I have been wandering in this forest for quite some time, do you know where I could find a town?"

2) Is there any reason why I would be unable to just walk out of this forest, given enough time, that you know of?

Zecora sighs, and starts telling you about the forest. As it turns out, the forest is indeed huge. Apparently, it's three weeks of walking across without factoring in pesky factors such as difficult terrain. At the center is a great castle. A thousand years ago, it was the home of the diarchs of this country: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. You interrupt Zecora to point out that princesses are by definition not rulers, but rather the daughters of a ruler. She glares at you. Apparently, linguistic knowledge isn't appreciated around here.

As she spoke, you finished the food, and she serves up a cup of tea. Mmm, Earl Grey. (Fuck you, tea is at least 20% cooler than coffee.)

Seeing as you don't seem very interested in history, she only briefly touches upon the important parts (only herbivores can exit without the Amulet of Peace or the blessing of an Element of Harmony) and moves on to the local wildlife. There are many predators, including some you thought to be mythological, such as manticores, chimeras, wooden wolves, giant bears, and cockatrices. You suddenly feel a lot more appreciation for the noob protection, it has probably saved your life once every ten minutes since you woke up in this place.

[You have gained a skill point in Knowledge. Learning things automatically increases this skill, but who knows if that knowledge was just gained retroactively or not?]

You decide not to dwell on the suggestion that you just changed your own past from the future. It's giving you a headache.

[You have gained status effect: Headache (Minor)

You have lost status effect: Confused]

IF 4 = Mythological creatures: 5) Are you SERIOUS!? How am I supposed to fight creatures like THAT?

You interrupt her explanation,  "Are you SERIOUS!? How am I supposed to fight creatures like THAT?"  She responds by glaring at you, apparently interruption in general is the problem, not linguistic knowledge. Should have figured.

"Young one, who said you have to fight? There's no reason to prove your might. Killing things won't help you live, don't fight what you can not shiv."  [A shiv is a collective name for improvised weapons of knife-like shape and function. Common ones include sharp glass with a wrapped "handle" of cloth or leather, and sharpened toothbrushes. The verb form means to attack someone with a shiv.] You ponder her words carefully, and realize that she's probably right. Essentially, you figure, she said don't get into a fight you can't handle, and if you get into one anyway, escaping is the best option.

7) Uh...this may seem crazy, but you wouldn't happen to have heard of a "skill tree", would you? Like...in real life?

"I am a quest-giver, not an encyclopedia. And fuck me sideways if you can find a word to rhyme with that. Seriously."  She looks embarrassed for a moment, then composes herself.  "The answer you seek can not be found here, if you go to the castle you'll find something there."

[You have obtained side quest: Find the skill tree.]

10) Do you know anything about a ruined castle found in this area? (Describe the location of it if Zecora replies "Which one?")

She gives you a rough map of the area with some key points marked off. If you follow this map, you should be able to reach the castle in less time than it would normally take. Remembering what you saw earlier, and accounting for the angle and spherical nature of the earth... Just kidding, you don't know that much about math. You do remember that Pythagoras dude and his triangle, though, and estimate about six and a half hours of walking should do.

x^2+5^2=8^2

x^2+25=64

x^2=39

x=~6.5

Yeah, you have a mental notebook. Shut up.

11) Are there any other former settlements in the forest? Do you know anything about them?

She shakes her head and sips her tea. You can't help but ask...  "Err... Zecora, how do you lift a cup with your hooves? I once tried to do that with my hands duct-taped into single digits, and it went rather poorly."  You wince at the memory of spilling hot tea in your lap, that event did indeed not go well. Not a place you want to have burn wounds ever again.

"All things in this world have inherent magic - my hooves grasp as if they're electromagnetic, but the electricity being rather... Static."  Yeah, you suppose explaining strange sciences in rhyme isn't very easy. You get back to the matter at hand and ask your next question.

12) Is there a river nearby, where I can fill my water containers?

She nods and exits the room for a few moments. She quickly returns with a bucket containing fresh water. You nod gratefully at her and refill your bottles.  "In return for this boon, I notice your pack. You wouldn't have alcohol in that pouch on your back?"

You pull out your bottle of vodka and offer it to her. She pours up two shots and corks it up.  "In my homeland, we drink to luck. With this blessing, your stay will not suck... As much."  She grins at you, and you both toss back the shot. You grimace slightly at the taste of pure alcohol, but figure it's not as bad as that time you had moonshine. [In this area, distilling your own moonshine is a bit of a tradition. You don't have to look far for someone with a bottle of 96% alcohol. I once had a sip. After swallowing, I was bent over and dripping saliva on the ground, because I couldn't breathe. Just the fumes of moonshine are that strong. Seriously, that shit needs a warning label. Don't drink it straight unless you have a lot of experience with really strong drinks.] It warms your belly, and you realize that with the food and tea in your body it will be absorbed slowly enough that it won't have much effect. Also, it was just one shot, and although you're no heavy drinker, you need more than that to get properly drunk.

[You have gained status effect: Lucky]

13) Is there any other survival advice, or advice on getting out, that you can give me that I haven't asked for?

She hands you a potion. You're not sure what it's supposed to do, but you drink it. She then presents you with two plants. One is hemlock, a dangerous poison. The other is a carrot. You notice the hemlock giving off a faint yellowish glow. You deduce that this potion lets you identify poisons. [You have gained ability: See poison]

You look out the window, and notice it's the middle of the afternoon. That sure took a while.

You currently have the following positive status effects:

* Noob protection

* Lucky

You currently have the following negative status effects:

* Nicotine addiction (minor)

* Headache (minor)

* Nicotine withdrawal (minor)

[Sorry, but I can't just let that happen off-screen. The Protagonist can quit cold turkey, but it will result in problems if you don't have a predictably safe week. Of course, if you run out of tobacco, you'll be quitting no matter what. The "desired" amount by the character is two cigarettes a day. The pouch now contains 48 grams. You can figure this out. There's no shame in going back and calculating how long that supply will last based on how much you started with and how many you've had so far.]

Current quest: Survive

Active sidequest: Find the skill tree.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty. You have (2) unspent skill point(s).

What do you do?

We're off to see the wizard

"How long is this potion going to last?"

As you inhale, you can see Zecora bracing herself for another barrage of questions.  "That was cool, but how long will it last?"  She looks at a clock in the room (somehow, you didn't notice it before - the time is, apparently, 16:22) and informs you in her poetic manner that it will last between 24 and 96 hours, depending on your body weight. Apparently, human physiology isn't widely known in this place. Not surprising, seeing as it's not the most inhabited area you've ever seen.

"Are the names "Celestia" and "Luna" passed down from generation to generation?"

In response to your next question, she simply shrugs, then walks off. You observe the room you're in. It has a relatively circular shape, with two door... Opening... Things. There are various tribal decorations on the walls, as well as some shelves with unknown substances stored in clay bottles. In the middle is a cauldron bubbling with some unknown substance.

Zecora returns with a book. She hands... Hoofs... Er... She conveys it to you through unknown means.

As you crack open the cover, you are immediately delighted to find that it is written in a language you can understand. To avoid having to write an entire book, let's just summarize.

You read about the Royal Pony Sisters. Apparently, they are "alicorns", a combination of all the types of pony. Wings, a horn, and incredible strength. You know, like the Incredible Hulk, just not green. Actually, scratch that. Turns out there's a shitload of equines around in various colors. There might just be a green alicorn out there. You are briefly reminded of Retarded Animal Babies and the name "pegascorn". You realize, somewhat embarrassed, that she was trying to tell you all this before you so rudely interrupted her.

Anyway, the important part you learn is that they're immortal manifestations of the sun and moon, similar to Helios and Artemis if you remember your Greek Mythos correctly. So it's probably not successive incarnations, but the same ones all the time. There's more knowledge in the book, but you decide that if you can learn things retroactively, you might as well put the book down after reading the important bits, and later on you get to read the rest in the past from the future. Because fuck physics, that's why.

(If Celestia and Luna are alive) "Would Celestia and Luna have the power to trap me in this forest, put some weird memories in my head that I can access by thinking certain words, and basically manipulate my body and mind in really weird ways?"

"Most certainly, undoubtedly, they could. The question at hoof is if they would."  You ponder these words for a moment, then point out something that's bugging you...

"Are you... Speciesist?"  Zecora is stunned. Most certainly petrified. Bamboozled! Bedazzled! Baffled! Where in the deepest pits of Niflheim did that come from?

"I can see you're confused. Allow me to explain. I've noticed your book using words such as "anypony" and "somepony". This is radically different from what I'm used to, "anyone" and "somebody". What I notice, however, is that your words are restricted to ponies. "Anyone" refers to any sentient being in general, and "somebody" would refer to a random entity with physical form, though not necessarily sentient. From this, I can only draw the conclusion that the genus "Equus" is one that discriminates against others. This is troubling. I would like to hear your side of this case."

Zecora stares at you. And stares. And stares. I think you broke her. Seriously, don't go rambling during periods of sleep deprivation. That way is madness. (Madness? This! Is! EVERFREE! *kick*)

You sit down and inspect your shaft... Not that one! The one you made for the spear. Don't kill my rating, you perv. It's not perfect, but it'll do. With just a sharp piece of rock, you figure it's gonna be pretty primitive either way. You carve out a slot on one end, and stick the rock in it. Then, you cut off a piece of rope and dismantle it to get thinner rope to work with. With that done, you tie it around the head of your spear. Hey, seriously! This fic is rated teen! Not mature!

[You have gained item: Primitive spear.]

With your spear finished, you go outside and throw your walking stick away, the spear can double as a staff and walking stick anyway. As the Walking Stick of Doom hits a tree, there's an explosion. Both the walking stick and the tree are now sawdust. That sure was a waste of a perfectly good incendiary device. Of course, you didn't know it was one. It does explain the "of Doom" bit. In retrospect, you should have expected that. Implements of Doom are of Doom for a reason.

Anyway, it's approaching sunset, and Zecora is still stunned. Wait, she's starting to wake up. She seems to act as if she never heard your rant, so you proceed with your Equestrian Inquisition.

"Would they do this?"

"I can not tell the will of immortals, but they have a reason for building such portals. The way back home is a two-way street, win the challenge and immortals meet."  You're a bit confused - she's volunteering more information than you're asking. Perhaps she's still in shock? Better keep asking before she snaps out of it.

"Have they done it before?"

"You are not the first to knock on my door, others like you have passed by before. One tried to kill me, on his corpse you stand,"  You look down and indeed, it looks like the floorboards have been moved recently. You didn't notice that before - must have rolled too low on your perception check,  "Another charged out and left his items unmanned."  (She grumbles about feeding manticores with perfectly good tools.)

"Am I just the latest in a long line of people doing the exact same quest?"

"Eeeyup."  Straight to the point, eh?

"How many of them won?"

She gives it some thought, then nods to herself.  "Not all have passed through here, the knowledge isn't mine to bear."

Then it's time for a test. I'll put down the vodka, walk about twenty feet away from it, and see if noob protection attempts to stop me. If it doesn't, I know it's intent-based. If it does, I try it with a clump of dirt and a random twig. If at least one of those results in my being able to walk away, I'll repeat the test with my entire inventory. ((You can just tell me the results of that one.))

Take time to throw each of your items in the fire. If you're stopped by the Idiot Protection, that item is probably useful. If not, well, it's already burning. (Logic according to Salinvanth.) Test with every item you posses.

You intended to do this test earlier, but you know you won't be able to test it later, so you try it now with slightly adjusted methods. You decide against burning potentially useful yet non-essential items.

You have:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited)

* Pouch of tobacco (48g)

* Pack of cigarette papers (48 papers)

* Bottle of vodka (490ml)

* Coil of rope (19.5m)

* Hatchet

* Swiss Army Knife

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth)

* Bottle of water (1l)

* First-aid kit (closed)

* Sewing kit (closed)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l

Refreshing your memory on your inventory, you proceed with the tests. You leave your lighter on the ground outside and try to walk away from it. Nothing happens. You take it back and try the same with the butane, tobacco, papers, vodka, and rope before you get a response. As you try to walk away from the rope, you instead pick it up. If you hadn't been doing your best to notice such a difference, you wouldn't have realized anything happened.

Now that you have a semi-reliable method of testing the importance of your items, you continue. After having tested this with the hatchet, the knife, the food, both water containers, the first-aid kit, and the sewing kit, you adjust your inventory with mental notes.

You have:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter (non-essential)

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited, non-essential)

* Pouch of tobacco (48g, non-essential)

* Pack of cigarette papers (48 papers, non-essential)

* Bottle of vodka (490ml, non-essential)

* Coil of rope (19.5m, essential)

* Hatchet (essential)

* Swiss Army Knife (essential)

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth, non-essential)

* Bottle of water (1l, essential)

* First-aid kit (closed, essential)

* Sewing kit (closed, non-essential)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l, essential)

Although you had originally planned to leave at this point, Zecora offers to let you stay the night. It would probably be better to stay in a place you know is safe, seeing as noob protection runs out tomorrow morning, but you starting during the night and finding a safe place to sleep would also be an option. You have at least two options, guaranteed safety now and potential progress later or guaranteed progress now and potential safety later.

Knock Zecora unconscious with Doomstick. Grab everything you can and run.

You decide against attacking the zebra, seeing as someone tried that and died. Besides, you threw away the doomstick, remember?

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and a black leather jacket with many pockets. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. Your current weapon is a primitive spear. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty. You have (2) unspent skill point(s).

We're off to see the wizard - for real this time

Graciously accept Zecora's offer. Apologise for the whole "racist rant" thing, and offer some of our vodka as a peace offering.

Accept her offer and give her some of your vodka as a gift.

"Thank you for allowing me to stay, and I will take you up on that. Furthermore, I sincerely apologize for ranting at you. I should have taken the time to present myself in a more controlled manner. Please, accept this vodka as a peace offering."  She nods, pours up another two shots, and you drink. She then pours herself a glass and hands the bottle back. You realize that as an equine, she'll need a lot more than you to get drunk.

[Perk obtained: Nightcap]

[A drink before sleep will make you sleep better, and you will have slightly boosted stats the next day if you go to bed slightly inebriated.]

Test some essential-flagged items to see if they continue to flag as essential.

You test your items again. You can't think of much...

[input error - rebooting]

...the thermos back up and put it in your pack. You then update your inventory, satisfied with the results.

You have:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter (non-essential)

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited, non-essential)

* Pouch of tobacco (48g, non-essential)

* Pack of cigarette papers (48 papers, non-essential)

* Bottle of vodka (380ml, essential)

* Coil of rope (19.5m, essential)

* Hatchet (essential)

* Swiss Army Knife (essential)

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth, non-essential)

* Bottle of water (1l, essential)

* First-aid kit (closed, essential)

* Sewing kit (closed, non-essential)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l, essential)

Query my head for information about the "Lucky" intrinsic.

Lucky

You're lucky, eh? Lucky you! For a limited time, you will have great luck! Be it playing poker or dodging arrows, whatever you try to do will have a much higher probability of succeeding. For things that aren't affected by probability, such as producing skill-based items, your skill level will be considered higher while you make it.

You notice that you just had to think about accessing the file to bring it up this time. Presumably, practice makes perfect.

Sleep.

Slightly inebriated, you head to bed. Well, that is to say, a blanket on a wooden floor by the fire. It's pretty comfortable, all things considered. You dream about eating spaghetti with a generous helping of tomato sauce. With plenty of meatballs in the sauce, and some spices adding to the flavor. It was delicious. You wake up craving spaghetti.

[You have lost status effect: Noob protection.]

[You have renewed status effect: Well rested.]

[You have gained status effect: Nightcap.]

You're feeling pretty good, but a cigarette and a cup of tea would be nice. There's a note here from Zecora saying she's out getting herbs, and she expects you to be out continuing your quest by the time she returns. Next to it are three bottles of a potion you recognize as the same one you had yesterday. You pick them up and put them in your backpack. You notice it's bigger on the inside than the outside, and the weight has not changed despite adding the potions.

Eat, head towards the castle, counting out five hundred paces starting from the first pace on ground outside of Zecora's hut. Be sure to check that tree if I can, WITHOUT TAKING A STEP TOWARDS IT. If it's out of view, so be it. This 433 experiment is more important, and it requires absolute precision.

Wake up. Eat.

You heat up some water from your thermos and add it to an MRE pack. You now have a nice helping of food with a cup of tea to go with it. You also roll a cigarette. You sit outside and watch the sunrise while drinking your tea, smoking your cigarette, and having a meal. Despite it being underwhelming as far as taste goes, it's pretty good and you feel pretty good when you're done.

You have a look at the pile of sawdust slowly dispersing as wind carries pieces away here and there. You wince at the thought of that happening to you. If it were to happen to an enemy, you'd be eating hamburger right now.

After five hundred paces, look around for a carved 433. If there is no carved 433, carve a 433 at eye level on a trunk as close to directly in front of me as possible. If there is at least one carved 433, carve a 433 below the lowest 433, and compare the two 433's.

You consult your map and find the right direction for the castle. You start walking in that direction, counting your steps as you go. You lose count at 127 (or was it 128?), so you stop. You look at the first tree you see. At eye-level, there is a 4 and part of a 3 carved. On the ground is a skeleton with a cracked skull. There's a knife here, almost identical to yours, but decayed by time. You wonder what exactly killed this person, until you look up and see a few branches positioned in such a manner that this tree looks like it's in a traditional fighting stance. That must be one skilled tree.

[You have found: Skill tree.]

[While touching a skill tree, you may spend your skill points.]

You touch the tree and think for a while... What skills do you take? Your options are:

Physical - increase to 2 (or 3)

Mental - increase to 2 (or 3)

Arcane - increase to 1 (or 2)

Melee - increase to 1 (or 2)

Unarmed - increase to 1 (or 2)

Survival - increase to 2 (or 3)

Knowledge - increase to 1 (or 2)

You also get a vague picture in your mind. You think it's the full skill tree, but some parts are a bit blurry.

You think the tree needs some help organizing it's thoughts. Seriously.

What do you do?

Okay, do we get to visit the wizard now?

Thank the tree.

You get down on your knees and thank the tree profusely for killing your predecessor instead of you.

distribute a point to melee and a point to physical

[Melee has been increased to 1.]

[Physical has been increased to 2.]

sharpen simple spear

carefully sharpen knife

You find a flat rock and grind the spearhead with it for a while. Your spear is now sharper, but you wouldn't use it to shave. When you're done, you inspect it, and decide it would probably work for the knife too. You sharpen the knife. You think you could use that to shave.

examine materials inside first aid kit

examine materials inside sewing kit

close both kits

You examine the first aid kit and the sewing kit.

The first aid kit contains: Bandages (8cm wide, 10m in 2m rolls), gas mask, band-aid (plaster på godt Norsk), epinephrine self-injecting syringes (10x), scissors, needle with biodegradable thread (will dissolve if you leave it in your body), iodine, ammonia, ethanol, duct tape, tweezers, dietary supplement pills, and some miscellaneous items. You're not sure how it all fits in the kit, but it does. The magic of games, you suppose.

The sewing kit contains: Rolls of thread in the primary, secondary, and tertiary colors, and needles of varying sizes and shapes.

When you're done taking stock of your supplies, you close the kits and stow them back, leaving the first-aid kit in an easily reachable location.

meditate and expand personal awareness

check stats

You sit down and cross your legs, shouting "ohm!" at the tree now and then. It seems to take offense to the shouting and smacks you gently with a branch. Nonetheless, you're able to access your stats. It reminds you of the D&D system.

STR: 15

DEX: 13

CON: 13

INT: 14

WIS: 14

CHA: 11

diggy diggy hole.

You're not sure why, but you dig a hole and bury the skeleton.

"Help freeform mage."

Freeform mage

The laws of the cosmos bend to your will

Most spells are included as part of this skill

You can weave magic to do what you want

Within limits - there are things magic can't

Shout my speech at the admins.

You're angry. Grrrr! You rant out loud at the admins for being complete dicks to you.

"Hey assholes! Feel good about yourselves now? You have godlike powers in this universe, and I STILL fucking outsmarted you! This isn't a WIN. You're scared of me! You don't like that I'm messing with you, you don't like that I've seen through this simulation, do you!? You'd think you'd feel secure, what with the whole ability to REMAKE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AT YOUR WHIM and everything, but I guess that just isn't enough. Now you decide you're going to fuck with my head too. Well, at least that removes the possibility of some sort of military experiment. The army wouldn't be pussy enough to do this shit. You're just like DM's with a lot more power. BAD DM's. And like all bad DM's, you can't bear when someone goes against your plan. So here's how it is. If you want me to play by your rules...fine. I'll play. Will you at least tell me if I can use the butane? I have unlimited butane. I'm guessing if I find a way to abuse that shit, you're going to nerf that too, right? See that stick over there? I'm going to ignore it for a few minutes, and then go over and look at it. If there's one notch in the stick, I'll take that to mean "Yes, you may use the butane.". If there's two, I'll take that as a no.

See... I don't really care about this anymore. I was enjoying the idea of actually testing myself against gods. But this isn't testing myself against gods. This is testing myself against humans. Humans who've stacked the deck in their favor. And hey. I've figured you out. That's enough of a victory. I'm happy to play through the rest of the game any way you want, as long as it gives me the best chance to get out of this simulation and back to my real life."

Finish the 433 test.

You look around. You see two 433's on a tree to your left, so you carve another below it and compare the three. They look almost exactly the same, but the first is noticably older.

Check the stick for notches.

You walk over to the stick you pointed to during your speech and check it for notches. There's... Three? Three notches. Oh, and a note! You consider burning it without reading, but you decide it might as well be worth reading.

Dear player,

The admins do not interfere in your actions unless one of the following conditions are met:

You exploit a glitch,

You reveal a bug and let them know (produces rewards depending on the bug),

Or you ask them to.

Other conditions can qualify, but only after the admins consult the Big Boss. No, not Naked Snake. Seriously, what's with you and trying to up the rating? He wears clothes like most humans.

As for the butane, you get to use it, but it will be tedious. It's made for injecting into a refillable lighter (which will run out), and if you cut off the top of the bottle, the "unlimited" part will be difficult to justify to the laws of reality. Hence, three notches. I'd suggest you instead purchase the firebolt skill, throw the bottle at what you want to obliterate, and then blast the bottle. This will fuck with the rules so that it will be quantum-limited. You get a big boom, but not infinite.

~Big Boss

PS: Don't let the admins know I wrote this! Burn the note!

You burn the note, seeing as you can retroactively read it again if you forget what it said.

Retroactively read the map of Everfree.

You remember taking some time to study the map while Zecora was stunned after your speciesism rant. Along with the castle, there's the hut and a variety of skill trees marked on the map. And... A temple? Some kind of large structure of religious origin. There's a road between the temple and the castle. The castle seems to be roughly northwest of your position. The temple seems to be east-northeast of the castle.

Head towards the castle.

You walk towards the castle. With nothing much to do on the way, you hum to yourself. Lalalalalala, lalala, okay, that got boring real quick. You see a plant you know can be used as an ingredient in a Potion of Skill.

A wild wild boar has appeared!

Wild boar uses Snarl!

It's not very effective...

Protagonist's Special Attack fell.

FIGHT | ITEM

PKMN | RUN

Kill it with fire! Or a spear, that works too.

COMBAT: Stab it with the spear and keep stabbing until it's dead! Run if I'm outmatched and climb a tree.

With the adrenaline rush of a potentially lethal situation, you decide that simple is better. You're glad you took a point in melee, it seems you gained some basic training with the spear along with it.

Protagonist used STAB.

Gripping the shaft, you stab the boar's snout to enrage it, then pull back.

Wild boar used CHARGE. It is super effective!

Protagonist used STAB. Wild boar is dead!

Generalising from fiction, boars are usually hunted by using massive-ass spears that the boars run into, but I don't know if our spear is strong enough to handle that.

As it prepares to charge you, you stab the non-pointy end of the spear into the ground for leverage, and point the point just below the boar's head. As it charges, it runs onto the spear and is impaled, but the momentum from the charge allows it to reach you. It's tusk hits you in the left arm, but doesn't cripple you. Hurts like a bitch, though.

[You are bleeding.]

AFTER-COMBAT: If the boar dies, obtain one of it's tusks for use as a potential backup weapon. Have boar for lunch, and smoke some boar steaks to take with me if I know how: A generous, but not ridiculous amount. There appears to be no encumberance system in this game, or I'm not carrying enough to gain penalties, but I'm sure the admins will retcon one in by claiming the lack of one counts as a glitch in the system if I try to take 20 kilos of boar meat with no penalties. Two or three kilos though will probably be permitted.

You break off one of the boar's tusks (noting that the other has already been damaged - perhaps a previous incarnation of yourself died trying?), putting it in a pocket for now. You notice there's a boar head impaled on a stick a bit away from you. Getting out your hatchet, you chop off the boar's head, get a branch, and impale the head Vlad III style, placing it next to the first one. With that done with to scare away any local animals while you work, you start skinning the boar. You got lucky, and you have a reasonably thick hide. It would probably be good for making simple armor.

[The blood on your wound has coagulated. You are no longer bleeding.]

You start a small fire with butane, bark, and some branches. You also construct a simple frame for cooking the meat antikristo (cooking it a bit away from the fire). While that's cooking, you look around. You see "713" carved into a tree. You deduce that one of your predecessors was killed by the boar, but another survived.

Heading back to the fire, you turn the meat, and put a meal-sized piece closer to the flame to cook faster. You then take time to observe your surroundings. There are some plants you can use for potions, and you see some spices (you pick some and add it to the meat). You also pick some flowers you know how to use for potions, before you stop. How did you know the recipes for those potions, anyway? Going through your memory, you realize you retroactively read some of the books Zecora had on potions. That explains it.

The meal is done, while the rest of the meat you got is still cooking. It will be done by the time you've eaten. So, with no further delays, you eat your lunch. It tastes pretty good with the spices. You suddenly realize something and go back to the boar corpse. Yes, you've struck gold! Metaphorically speaking, that is. Taking your knife, you cut a large amount of strips from the stomach.

[You have gained item: Bacon.]

You put the bacon up to cook while you wrap the cooked meat in some large (and safe) leaves. When that is done, you prepare to head out. You put out the fire, you pack away your items (except for the spear).

Continue heading towards the castle.

You have a sip of water, and start heading out, munching happily on your bacon while you walk.

[You have gained status effect: Bacon!]

You query your head while you're at it.

Bacon!

You have made bacon. This effect persists until the bacon is fully digested, and increases the rate at which you generate skill points. Check the skill bar to see how far along you are.

Skill bar: 45%

You keep walking towards the castle, seeing nothing noteworthy on the way.

Upon reaching the castle ruins, find the southwest corner of the ruins, navigating by the sun. Facing southwest, I'll carve "123" on the next non-skill tree I come across if I intend to enter the castle. I also make up my mind to carve "246" on the same tree after I leave the castle. Usual stipulations about carving below existing numbers apply, but this time "246" will be carved to the right of the "123" my present body created.

As you reach the castle ruins, you consult the map and find that you are on the southeastern corner. You head directly west to the southwestern corner and face exactly southwest. You walk up to the closest tree in a straight line heading southwest, and inspect it. On it is carved a "123", and to the right of it is a "246" and a "2^8-10" directly below it. Strange.

What do you do?

Crossroads, so to speak

*check stats and see how hp, mp ect. work

Your health is not tracked beyond superficial wounds and hidden nutritional stats.

Your magic is restricted by daily uses of each spell, which can be increased with the basic three.

* Check help and see if he goes up levels or gains exp.

The skill bar is increased by surviving. There's a passive gain each second, as well as an active gain for doing things that benefit you.

*Check and try to determine the limit of your bag. Pick up 100 seperate leaves and place them in one at a time. if you cant place in the last one then you know the limit ( dont pick up a pile and put it in as is cause it would prob just say pile of leaves in inventory)

You get a bunch of leaves and put them in the backpack one at a time, keeping track of what your inventory says while you do so. At 255 leaves, it becomes "a stack of leaves", and the next leaf starts a separate entry.

*try putting in an unidentified item and place in bag to see if it identifys or catagorises item.

You pick up a rock and put it in the bag. It registers as a rock. You notice that the leaves were oak, and the inventory entry for the leaves is changed to "a stack of oak leaves". After removing the useless items from your inventory, you move on.

Make camp.

Make camp.

You set up yet another primitive camp. Fire, primitive shelter from branches and leaves, and all that.

Eat bacon for dinner. (If the jerky technically counts as bacon. I dunno. Either way, eat it: Spoils faster than MRE's, probably.)

Bacon! For dinner.

You've eaten all your bacon, so you eat the other meat instead. You're really glad you found those spices.

While you're eating, a wolf cub enters your camp. Its fur is dull and it looks hungry. You give it some of your meat, and it runs off with it.

Make a flaming spear.

Make flaming spear, which can double as a torch.

You wrap a piece of your shirt around the spearhead and soak it in butane. You wonder if it will evaporate by tomorrow.

Have nightcap. (Need those stats boosts!)

Nightcap!

You have a few sips of vodka straight from the bottle like a baws.

Sleep.

Sleep.

You lie down to sleep. Nothing eventful happens.

Make a simple breastplate from the boar hide, you'll never know when you need it.

You open the sewing kit and get to work. Slicing up the boar hide to decently shaped pieces, you sew it together to produce primitive torso protection. You use some strips to protect your arms as well, as there is plenty left. After this is done, you use the leather jacket as raw materials and stitch some pockets onto the armor.

[You have gained a skill point.]

Get branches to make more spears. Sharpen their heads, acquired throwing spears.

You get some straight branches and some rocks, and produce primitive javelins with it. They're a lot less sturdy, but they will do their job quite nicely.

[You have gained status effect: Nicotine withdrawal (mild).]

If possible, make a spear quiver from the spare pelt for the spears.

You use the remaining boar hide to make a simple quiver for your javelins.

Ignite your fire spear if you haven't.

You squirt some more butane on the cloth and light her up.

Enter castle.

Proceed into the castle.

You boldly go where no man has gone before. Maybe some strange equines, and you have technically been in there before, but... Oh, you get the point. You enter the fucking castle, okay?

The castle is made from simple stones, indicating basic masonry and architecture at the time it was built. From the book you read, that would probably be at least a thousand years ago. You're impressed that any of it is still standing. Maybe there's some sort of preservation magic on it? Alternatively, it could have been built very solidly. Still, there are obvious signs of decay. Your path leads you to an intersection. You can go up the stairs to the left, up the stairs to the right, or down the stairs in front of you.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and simple boar hide torso protection with pockets taken from the jacket. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. Your current weapon is a primitive spear. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty. You have (1) unspent skill point(s).

Your current inventory:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter (non-essential)

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited, non-essential)

* Pouch of tobacco (48g, non-essential)

* Pack of cigarette papers (48 papers, non-essential)

* Bottle of vodka (370ml, essential)

* Coil of rope (19.5m, essential)

* Hatchet (essential)

* Swiss Army Knife (essential)

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth, non-essential)

* Bottle of water (1l, essential)

* First-aid kit (closed, essential)

* Sewing kit (closed, non-essential)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l, essential)

* Boar tusk

* Potions of See Poison (3)

* Quiver containing:

* 20 primitive javelins

You currently have the following positive status effects:

* Lucky

* Bacon!

You currently have the following negative status effects:

* Nicotine addiction (minor)

* Nicotine withdrawal (minor)

What do you do?

The library

Check all corridors for past-self signs.

You study the walls and floor. Brushing against the walls, you manage to find the remnants of a sign. According to this, if you go left you'll find a "lib ar". If you go down, you'll find "du g  n". If you go right, you'll find "slee  n  qu".

Go left if no signs.

Although the vague hints as to what you'll find is somewhat useful, you don't really know which way is best to go. So you go left. The stairs aren't terribly steep, but it's a long climb. Whoever built this castle must have wanted to torture visitors. The rock walls continue all the way up, your flaming spear lighting up the way.

After a long while, and stopping to rest a few times, you reach the top. As you open the door at the top (having carefully checked for any traps and finding none), you find a lot of books. Now this is useful! You pick up a book and read. It's about chemistry.

You have learned a variety of chemical recipes, but the only relevant one is that if you mix iodine and ammonia, you'll get nitrogen triiodide, which is apparently a very unstable contact explosive, but it's not very dangerous. According to the book, it will explode very easily, but very weakly, leaving a purple stain.

/help nicotin withdrawal

Nicotine withdrawal

When addicted to nicotine, going without it for too long leads to withdrawal. You can wait it out and lose the addiction, or you can have a smoke to avoid the stat reduction that comes with the withdrawal.

Up up down down left right left right B A start

You try to mime the Konami code. As you finish, a stone falls out of the ceiling in front of you, almost crushing your skull.

roll a cigarette and smoke only half

You roll a cigarette like you rolled joints back in college. You do it in ten seconds flat. What a glorious cigarette! You light up and puff a bit. As there's nothing noteworthy to do in the library, you figure you'll read the other books retroactively, and head back down.

the other half throw up the stairs to the right,

Given the length of the stairs to the left, you don't think throwing a cigarette up there will give any answers. However, it is a good idea to mark where you've been.

When you've smoked about half of the cigarette, you leave it on the lowest step of the stairs to the left. That way, any future version of yourself will know it's safe.

if no obvious trap to be had listen closely

You listen closely. It's pretty silent.

also,judging by the masonry scavenge about to see if there are any tools or left books inside--

You don't see any tools in the vicinity, and you think the admins will be angry if you try to fit the whole library in your backpack.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and simple boar hide torso protection with pockets taken from the jacket. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. Your current weapon is a primitive spear. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are not thirsty. You have (1) unspent skill point(s).

What do you do?

Books and beds

Search the library for useful items. Criteria: Survival, beginner magic, Amulet/Elements related, Everfree related.

You head back up and look through the book titles. There are some history books related to this place, and some fiction related to hunting and fishing. You give them all a quick skim and note down anything useful for the future. There are some mentions of the Amulet of Peace, supposedly it's hidden in a monastery behind a variety of traps, puzzles, and more.

[Skill: Survival has increased to 2.]

You also find some books related to magic, both simple and advanced. You take them with you, to read on the go rather than stay here forever. One, however, catches your eye. It describes how to use the Firebolt spell. You try to use it, but a wild error message appears.

[Error: Insufficient skill in Arcana and Condensation.]

[Skill: Firebolt has increased to 1.]

That's quite all right with you, though. If it had worked, you might have burned the whole library, along with all that information. Burning books is a crime. (Using them as toilet paper if they're really bad is okay, though.)

check to see if there are any particularly large useless books around the size of a cinder block, if so keep for later use with the idea of binding it and forming it into some sort of sledge or bludgeoning weapon, plausibly a staff for the sheer asthetics

You find a large tome called "Understanding Women Vol. I" and bring it with you. That'll be one hell of a weapon.

check for any books on animal anatomy, knowledge of vitals may help in confrontation to defeat the 'mobs'

You find a few books on the anatomy of canines, felines, equines, and bovines. You can't find anything about any other animals you may encounter. You do, however, think you can fight some more effectively, seeing as the anatomy of the quadrupeds seems pretty similar.

clean prior wound, rebandage or bandage

You clean your wound with some water and iodine, before applying some bandages.

find a leather bound book, scavenge leather

There are no leather bound books to be found. You'll settle for skinning an animal later.

check for secret doors in room

*roll* 20

There is a secret passage here. How cliché.

It leads to a smaller library. It looks to have been some archmage's office at some point. There are advanced books on all kinds of magic. You grab some of the books with promising titles and move on. You also find and obtain a bag of potion ingredients.

Head back to the area with the three hallways. Refresh the signs so the next future-self can read them.

You head back down the stairs. At one point, you stumble and almost fall, but you manage to catch yourself in time.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, you walk over to the signs. You don't have any tools with which to refresh them, but if you find anything in the sleeping quarters (as you figured out is to the right), you'll be back here to do so.

Head into the sleeping quarters.

You climb the stairs to the sleeping quarters. All this stair-climbing is really exhausting, but you'll live. You ponder for a moment whether there are any inhabitants that will take any offense to you having smoked inside earlier, but you put it aside as it really doesn't matter.

There are two doorways here, though the doors have long since rotted away. The two rooms are almost identical, containing the remnants of many bunk beds. You imagine this was the sleeping quarters of the servants of the castle or possibly it's guard. There isn't much to do in here, but it would probably be safer than sleeping in the forest, and there are no books here that would burn if you light a fire.

check to see if help has any offering on the difference between stats and skills

Going through the information in your head, you find no noteworthy differences.

attempt to slide the scissors into the boar tusk's center to part it into to piece of identical tusk

The scissors slip and hit your finger. You're glad these aren't the stabby kind.

What do you do?

Dungeoneering?

Renew sign

You think if you had something with which to chip at the stone, you could use the hatchet as a hammer. You're resourceful like that. Unfortunately, you still don't have the tool you'd need.

Check the quality of any pillows or sheets

You find some old cloth you could probably use for various things. It's very dusty, and as you rummage around the sheets, you find yourself in a cloud of dust. You are coughing up a lung for a few minutes before it clears up.

Check draws and wardrobes for clothing and other essentials

There is nothing of note to find.

Take the sheets and pillows

grab a couple of sheets

You bundle up some old sheets and put them in your bag.

Take any clothing or materiall you could use for clothing

You can't find any such items here.

Rip up some bed sheet and make a bandana or head band. Getting sweat and hair in your eyes all the time is annoying

You fashion a makeshift bandana out of a sheet and put it on.

attempt to scavenge some planks from the bunk beds[lumber may be useful later on]

You're in a forest, and don't quite understand why you'd need to scavenge wood.

Double Check current stats and equipment

STR: 15

DEX: 13

CON: 13

INT: 15

WIS: 15

CHA: 11

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and simple boar hide torso protection with pockets taken from the jacket. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. You have a piece of cloth wrapped around your head as a makeshift bandana. Your current weapon is a primitive spear and some javelins. You are not tired. You are slightly hungry. You are somewhat thirsty. You have (1) unspent skill point(s).

Check the room for hostiles.

A wild dust monster has appeared!

Protagonist uses shoo!

It's super effective!

Dust monster has died.

Search for any useful things.

You can't see any other useful items.

Take more cloth for the spear.

You take a piece of the sheets and refresh the spear with that and some butane.

Search for secret passages.

*roll* 5

You can't see any secret passages.

Check our potions bag for ingredients.

You have the ingredients necessary to make the following potions:

Arcane Boost

Potion of Skill

Healing Potion

Retroactively read the passages on the Amulet of Peace, it's location, and it's protections.

The Amulet of Peace is, surprisingly, not an amulet. It's a ring. What a strange world. It can be found in some religious location, and is protected by various traps and monsters. Wearing it makes the wearer incapable of intentionally harming others, but has a compulsion effect that prevents others from intentionally harming the wearer. That explains why you can't leave without it.

Check our current skill tree.

Physical: 2

Mental: 1

Melee: 1

Survival: 2

Knowledge: 1

Firebolt: 1

We desperately need water, surely. We must be nearly out by now. Considering the exhaustion of climbing so many stairs, it may be best to simply go into the dungeon tomorrow. Look around the outskirts of the castle for the ruins of a well. If not, try and find a river nearby.

You head outside and drink some water. You don't see any local place to refill it, but you know there is some water around, because nobody would build a castle without local access to water. Searching around, you find a well. Using it, you refill your water bottles. There is a skill tree next to the well.

search about for any blueberries or other berries, maybe even potion ingredients

Looking around, you find some strawberries. You pick a bunch.

eat a light snack if found berries

Eat,

You eat the strawberries you found, along with the rest of that meat.

set traps about and build a small fire

You use your rope and some various local features to set some traps - both for potential meat and for safety - before building a fire as per your usual methods.

[You have gained a skill point.]

have nightcap.

You have yourself some vodka, getting a mild buzz.

Sleep. Outside the castle, tonight. I don't want to risk something from that dungeon coming and killing us. Make a large fire to ward off predators.

You put some more wood on the fire, before curling up next to it and sleeping.

When we wake up, eat, double-check all our equipment, prep our flaming spear, make any useful potions that are easy to create, and enter the dungeon.

You wake up and start preparing for the day. First of all, you boil some water and use it with the MRE pack. (You now have 2 days worth of MREs.) You then eat the food and drink the tea. You idly wonder if it was produced in Britain, seeing as most non-British people wouldn't consider tea to be important for emergency supplies.

You take note of the skill tree next to you, and decide to put off entering the dungeon until you have spent your 2 remaining skill points.

What do you do?

Dem skills

check what skill potion does, if it is a permanent boost or momentary boost

*check see if the skill potion is permanent or momentary?

According to your mental encyclopedia (which you're really enjoying, not having to do extensive research), it's a permanent boost to your skill bar.

*If permanent how many points?

Apparently, it fills by approximately 20% at your current level. Before you ask, you have enough materials to make 3 of those potions.

cut down a few tree branches, especially if there are any wide and long or sturdy enough to hold the book of understanding girls[not from the skill tree]

You get your hatchet and find a good thick branch. You're pretty sure it'll be able to hold the book as a weapon.

ask the skill  tree "oh wise skill tree, so mighty and great of no gender reasonably, can you teach me your profound ways"

The tree rustles it's leaves and responds,  "I'm female. Trees have gender too, you know."

Check our traps. If there's anything there, smoke it for later, since we've already eaten.

Your traps are empty. The large fire probably scared all the critters away.

Check skill bar. If it's higher than 90%, we can afford to wait a few more hours for the point before entering the dungeon. If we do that, set more traps and start reading one of the useful books we took from the library.

[Skill bar is at 63%]

If not, invest our skill points into whatever we end up choosing.

Put one in Melee/Combat and one to whatever.

* Spend one skill point on arcane, so you may be able to use fire bolt

*since you are still early in game and are entering your first dungeon. i suggest 1 for melee.

You spend a point on Arcane and a point on Melee. You don't have the requirements for Combat, not having points in Unarmed.

[You have unlocked spell: Energy blast.]

*See if you cant replicate" Walking stick of doom" I suspect that may have been either from luck, flook, or because of the noob status.

Consulting the gypsy in your head (and her crystal ball), you discover that implements of doom can be produced with the appropriate skills. Skill in Enchanting allows you to put spells in items. The Doom skill takes a while to get, but can be stored too.

*Create spare spears

You don't have the resources for that.

*Check surroundings for vines, they can be used to make rope or traps.

You search around the castle, and eventually do find some vines. Cutting them down, you coil them up and put them in your bag. Spare rope, always useful.

*If you do come across vines, and are not entering the dungeon yet, try to create bow and arrows, the arrows may not have fletches but close enough.

You don't have the items to make a bow. You note to yourself that crossbow bolts don't usually have feathers, and you could probably make a decent crossbow with sufficient skill in construction.

*Check surrounding area for any human corpses, Human bone can be increadibly sturdy

Searching around, you are unable to find any human bones around.

*do you have anything avilable to make potions or medicine? Such as something to mix, or containers to place it in?

Discussing the matter with your inner informant, you discover that you don't need anything to mix it in, you just need a container. You imagine it's probably time to renew the potion of see poison, which would give you something to put new potions in. Alternatively, you could head back to the library and see if there's anything of note in the secret room.

Head to the castle, refill our lighter with butane, light our flaming spear, and head into the dungeon.

You refill your lighter and prepare your spear. You are ready to head into the dungeon.

As you are about to head down into the dungeons of the castle, a wild text box appears.

Are you sure you want to go down there? [Y/n]

First puzzle

Make my flaming javelins first.

You tear off strips of cloth from the sheets you collected earlier, wrapping them under the heads of the javelins, then soaking them in butane. You're not sure how effective it'll be, but it won't reduce the damage noticeably.

--help: energy blast

Energy blast

Your first spell. It produces a small blast of force in the direction you're focusing. It's effects are similar to "fus" from Skyrim, pushing anything in the way back. Improve Arcana to increase the force (at 3, comparable to "fus ro" - at 5, comparable to "fus ro da").

At your current skill level, you can use it three times per day.

*Before you head down, make sure you set up traps, fighting will make you hungry.

You set up some traps for when you get back. Hopefully the local wildlife will be less frightened without your bonfire. You idly wonder what kind of critters live around here. Zecora told you about a variety of fauna, but she pointed out that different animals live in different parts of the forest.

*You may have unlimited butane, but torches might come in handy, you could use them to mark your path, like on minecratf.

Get some resources to make "SAFETY TORCHES!!!"

You gather up some branches and wrap them in cloth, producing somewhere around thirty torches. You estimate each will last half an hour.

*recheck library and hidden library room for contaners

You head back up to the library and the hidden area. You hit the jackpot here, there's plenty of equipment and a few empty vials and such.

*If you find containers, create health potion/s

(We can also make skill potions first, and drink them immediately, if the ingredients aren't common between both potions, and still keep the three containers.)

You produce and drink two skill potions. [You have gained a skill point.] You use the containers as store for the seven health potions you produce. You have four empty containers left.

check and observe what can be seen of the dungeon from where we are standing

You head to the entrance to the dungeon. It's pretty dark. Lighting a torch does not illuminate the situation.

if nothing is moving, huddle against side of the wall or what would substitute as wall here and sneak forwards with the knife drawn backwards in the right hand

You draw your knife. With your knowledge of melee combat, you are aware that holding it in a backwards grip would be a bad idea, so you instead grip the handle ready to stab. Crouching down, you advance slowly with the knife in one hand an a torch in the other. You consider putting out the torch, seeing as it might hamper your stealth, but you're not a cat and need the light to see. As you move forward through a corridor, you hear a faint *click* and feel a sting in your side. Grabbing at whatever it was, you pick out a small dart. It's glowing green (or rather, your temporary ability to see poison is making it glow green). You don't feel anything yet, so you move on.

Someone's written something on the wall with charcoal.

Prepare for combat. Use a ranged weapon or something long.

Heeding the words on the wall, you put away the knife and get out a javelin and your spear. You light the spear after making sure the cloth and butane on it can last a while. You keep moving, though cautiously.

A manticore is in your way.

Your current inventory:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter (non-essential)

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited, non-essential)

* Pouch of tobacco (48g, non-essential)

* Pack of cigarette papers (48 papers, non-essential)

* Bottle of vodka (370ml, essential)

* Coil of rope (19.5m, essential)

* Hatchet (essential)

* Swiss Army Knife (essential)

* MRE packs (3 days’ worth, non-essential)

* Bottle of water (1l, essential)

* First-aid kit (closed, essential)

* Sewing kit (closed, non-essential)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l, essential)

* Boar tusk

* Potions of See Poison (3)

* Health Potions (7)

* Empty Containers (4)

* Various old sheets

* Some vines

* Bunch of torches

Quiver containing:

* 20 flaming javelins (unlit)

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and simple boar hide torso protection with pockets taken from the jacket. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. Your current weapon is a flaming spear. You are not tired. You are not hungry. You are slightly thirsty. You have (1) unspent skill point(s).

What do you do?

The actual puzzle

Lift our flaming spear in front of us, and prepare to throw the flaming javelin. Begin to slowly back away. Do not make eye contact with the manticore, as some beasts consider this a challenge.

Lifting your weapons in a defensive position, you slowly back away the way you came, avoiding eye contact. The manticore does not follow, or really do anything at all.

If the monster does not make any aggressive moves, back off, head to the library, and look up manticores. Especially manticore poison.

Getting out of sight of the manticore, you head back to the library. There are some books on manticores here.

There are two types of manticores known to inhabit the Everfree. Most common is the wild manticore. Ferocious and angry, it is not an opponent to be taken lightly. Its poison has an LD50 of approximately 500mg/kg, with a half-life in the equine body of approximately two days.

The other type is the dwelling manticore. It is much more intelligent than the wild one, and usually lives in caves and dungeons. Most are capable of coherent speech, some being more intelligent than top scientists. The more intelligent dwelling manticores tend to propose riddles and other intellectual challenges in exchange for a traveler's or dungeon delver's safe passage. This is thought to be a way for them to amuse themselves. In this regard, they're considered similar to the mythological sphinx. The dwelling manticore's poison has an LD50 of 50mg/kg, with a half-life in the equine body of approximately two weeks.

Researchers have long wondered how to tell the two apart, but have had no success so far.

ten in case its non-hostile[or in the aftermath] : ignore it tend your own wounds

You don't have any noteworthy wounds. You feel slightly woozy, but nothing serious. Heading back down to the manticore, you shout out to it from across the room.

"Hello there!"

The manticore responds with a deep, rumbling voice,  "Hello, survivor. Do you wish to pass through here?"

"Well, yeah, that's kind of why I'm down here at all."  you answer. Hey, does that count for the first riddle?

"Very well,"  the manticore says,  "but first you must answer three questions. One will be a riddle, one will be a mathematical one, and one will be a combination of riddle and mathematics."

It uses its surprisingly sharp claws to carve something on the floor.

A bus driver was going down the street. He went past two stop signs without stopping, went by a red light, and turned left at a "No Left Turn" sign, yet didn't break any traffic rules. How?

--------------------------------------

x^2-11x-42=0

--------------------------------------

1% of women at age forty who participate in routine screening have breast cancer.  80% of women with breast cancer will get positive mammographies.  9.6% of women without breast cancer will also get positive mammographies.  A woman in this age group had a positive mammography in a routine screening.  What is the probability that she actually has breast cancer?

"You can turn back without answering. You can answer correctly and pass. You can answer incorrectly and leave. You can answer incorrectly and try to kill me to pass. It's up to you."

What do you do?

Bayesian riddles

Walk away. Wait twenty minutes or so, to deflect suspicion. In those twenty minutes, get our unlimited supply of butane and put the container into our pocket.

You walk back out of the room and sit down to think about the conundrum of the message you found on the wall. You're supposed to prepare for combat, yet the manticore claims to be relatively calm. You can think of a variety of possible events, but the most probable ones are the manticore attacking you anyway, combat just after the manticore, or there being a combat encounter before that's no longer there. No matter what, you think you can expect combat very soon, so you get the butane from your backpack and put it in a pocket for easy access.

Come back. Answer the riddles with our answers.

He was walking.

"He was walking!"  you postulate. The manticore nods and gestures to the equation. Taking a piece of charcoal from hammerspace, you jot down some notes and swiftly solve the problem.

x^2-11x-42     a=1 b=-11 c=-42

Δ = b^2-4*a*c = (-11)^2 - 4*-42*1

                            = 121 + 168 = 289 > 0    --> √Δ is 17

                --> Equation has two different solutions.

x1 = (-b + √Δ)/2a = (11+17)/2 = 28/2 = 14

x2 = (-b - √Δ)/2a = (11-17)/2 = -6/2 = -3

Therefore, there are two solutions to the equation, x1 = 14 ; x2 = -3

"The two solutions are x=14 and x=-3!"  you propose. Again, the manticore nods. You think he looks somewhat impressed, but you're not quite sure. You move on to the last problem, with heavy use of charcoal and your mental notebook. It's pretty difficult.

[Long-ass explanation. Look in the comments section of the last chapter for the full deal.]

The answer is 7.764%.

Finally, you arrive at your answer, after half an hour of reinventing Bayesian equations.  "The answer to that last one is 7.764%"

The manticore grins at you (which is pretty difficult to tell, given that it's part lion and could very well be using some obscure feline facial expressions).  "Very good. You have solved all three problems and earned me quite a bit of money in the betting pool. I told those idiots I'd be the one to solve the problems first. Just sit around in a dungeon and you'll have adventurers stopping by to prove their worth every day."  It hands (paws?) you a bag with some unknown item inside and walks out.

Walk past the manticore, if he lets us, hand near the butane at all times.

You put your reward in your bag for now and move on, deeper into the dungeon, with a torch to guide your way. As you move through the corridor, you notice you're getting a bit... Woozy. You know, like the first time you had a cigarette. It's like nicotine shock, but also different - you figure it's whatever was coating the dart you got hit with earlier.

Entering the next room, something suddenly drops onto your back. Something huge. You fall to the ground and roll away from it. Getting a bit away, you stand up and look at it. It's a giant spider! Or arachnid, at least, it doesn't look like the spiders you're used to. Right now, you're really glad you don't have arachnophobia, that would seriously fuck up your day.

You absently pick up a cigarette you've rolled retroactively and light up. You can feel your badass points increasing (you know they say smoking isn't cool and all, but entering combat with one in your mouth is absolutely badass). Hopefully, the laws of reality will follow the Rule of Cool and give you a boost in battle. You quickly consider your options.

You're holding a spear and a torch. You have a decent amount of javelins. You have the energy blast spell. If you run away, you could see about putting a skill point into condensation to access the firebolt spell. If you fight, you could probably burn the spider. You recall reading a long time ago about insects using hair on their legs to sense their surroundings, if you burn them it might get disoriented. Of course, that was quite a while ago, so you could be remembering wrong.

What do you do?

SPIDER! GET IT OFF!

SPIDER! GET IT OFF! Okay, spiders. Exoskeletons. Eight legs. Venomous...don't really know how to KILL a giant spider. I'm guessing it will require stabbing, thanks to that exoskeleton. I guess...aim for the head? If it acts logically, one good blow ought to send it running once it realises it's prey is fighting back. That said, it's NOT acting logically, it's acting in game logic, which means I'm going to have to kill it dead. Game logic means it wouldn't have attacked us. Okay, KILL IT WITH FIRE!

As you consider your options, you find yourself with an inner monologue. It goes a little something like this:

"AAAAAH! SPIDER! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! Okay, it's off. Spiders. Exoskeletons. Eight legs. Venomous... How do you even kill a giant spider? How does the added size affect its mobility and defensive capabilities? Killing it will probably require a lot of stabbing - always a worthy strategy. Aim for the head, I suppose. Actually, aiming for the joints on the legs might work to reduce mobility and all. No, not that kind of joint. Seriously, stop interrupting my inner monologue. Now, as I was saying... If the spider acts logically, it will bugger off as soon as it realizes it's not the apex predator. However, this twisted place uses video game logic, which means it might just fight to the death, which can be a lot more problematic if it's using a mix of real and game logic. The cornered rat will bite the cat and all that. NOW KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

As you finish your monologue, you realize the spider has climbed up a wall and is... Well, doing something at you. Probably some arachnid body language or something.

Before you enter battle though, what type of spider is it, how fast is it capable of moving? Does it spit, run or jump even? also giant doesnt really specify its size, so what would you compair its size to?

It's the big type of spider. It moves pretty fast, but not so fast it'd be a problem. You have yet to see it spit anything, but it runs pretty well with its eight legs.

You would compare its size to an M1 Abrams. Imagining such a vehicle next to the spider, the spider seems to be about a quarter of that size. Give or take, seeing as you have to imagine the tank rather than having an actual one to compare. You don't trust your imagination to show you an accurate representation of the Abrams.

tame the spider you are a man :flutterrage: it will be a useful companion

It ignores your attempts to flirt with it. Apparently, it's a speciesist giant spider. Your very best pickup lines, honed over years of none of them succeeding, bounce harmlessly off the spider's exoskeleton.

[You have gained status effect: Rejected.]

Open up with an energy blast to the face. ... If it tries to run, I can throw javelins. As long as we keep it out of biting range, we're completely fine.

and don't forget to yell "Love Me!" for absolutely no reason when using the energy blast.

Grab your butane javelins, light em up and start throwing them at it.

You take a javelin and light it. Giving it a moment to catch fire properly, you take aim and hurl it. It lodges in the wall just below the spider, which scurries away. Readying another javelin and adjusting your aim based on the first throw, you use an energy blast to destabilize it. As you unleash your arcane powah, you for no reason scream,  "LOVE ME!!!"  It's stunned for a moment, and you hurl the second javelin, hitting a leg and pinning it to the wall. You take a moment to appreciate your physical strength - sticking a primitive javelin into a stone wall isn't easy. Maybe that's from the badass points?

As you prepare a third javelin, the spider cuts its losses and tears off its own leg, before crawling upwards. Keeping watch around you, you prepare for an attack from any direction. It does, but from the one direction people don't generally look in. Straight up. You feel something fall into your hair, before you're pulled up by it. It's probably the sticky type of web used by spiders. (You remember something about spiders having multiple types of "thread", two of which are the sticky and the non-sticky. They supposedly combine these in webs so they can walk around safely while an ignorant rival would get caught.)

include lots of screaming and yelling

arms flailing in the air.

Realizing you are caught, you flail around wildly with your arms. By chance, your torch hits the line of webbing. Turns out, spider webs don't burn. It does however, shrivel up and become brittle, allowing you to break free. In your panic, you forgot that you're suspended a decent distance from the floor, and fall down. Your foot is twisted, but it doesn't seem like anything is broken. It will hurt to walk, but you'll live.

You crawl back to the corridor and take up a defensive position. The spider is smarter than you expected. Given your previous experience, you suspect the admins may be controlling it. After all, your cleverly designed plan was awesome. You should have owned the spider easily! Sure, there was some flailing about and such, but that was planned too!

You idly wonder if shedding your armor and shirt would provide enough badass points to lay the smackdown on that bitch spider, but decide against trying without giving it some more thought.

Oh, and you lost your cigarette earlier. Flailing about while suspended by webbing can do that to you. That's okay, though, you had already smoked most of it.

What do you do?

SPIDER! GET IT OFF! PART 2!

Take some further steps back into the corridor.

You take another few steps back into the corridor, readying a javelin. The spider just stays on the ceiling, spinning a web.

If the spider does not come after us, throw javelins until it does, or retreats.

You light and hurl the javelin with gargantuan force, missing the spider but causing the web it was spinning to shrivel up. It stops and looks at you for a moment, then starts crawling towards you, still sticking to the ceiling.

If the spider comes after us, prepare our flaming spear. Stop it from getting on top of us with our flaming spear. Go for the eyes if we can.

like the noob it is, the spider sticks to the roof, prepare duel flaming javelins of doom. When it gets in range, like the bad ass you are, you  scream "ITS COMMING RIGHT FOR US" before slinging your javelins.

your first one breaks of on its exoskelecton, where as your second one manages to stick in to some degree and making its fur/hair... who the hell cares at his point. The point is the fucker caught alight and has backed off.It burns some of its skin and creates big ass pussy burns. Didnt know spiders could screech that loud.

As it comes close enough to hit reliably with your javelin, you scream, "IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!" and sling another two javelins. They streak through the air, leaving twin blazing trails. One bounces off, singing the spider's hairs. The other bounces off the ceiling and hits the spider's belly (or equivalent substitute). The spider is burning and disoriented.

Light 2 more javs and press on the attack while its back peddling.

As it flails around in pain, you light another two javelins. Throwing them, you remove two of its legs. With only five functional legs, it can no longer support its own weight on the ceiling, and falls. You walk up to it and stab it a few times with your spear to make sure it's really dead.

You have gained a skill point.

[Your badassery has receded and your ankle really hurts.]

What do you do?

Spider. Got it off.

harvest its poison and then make a coll spider hat

Harvest the poison and the fangs

Then see if we can harvest the poison, finding it with our seeing poison ability.

harvest poison

get some empty bottles and drain its poisen dry

You may be mad, but you're not a hatter. You decide to leave the hatting to others until you figure out how to hat. You're not sure how exactly one would harvest spider venom, either.

The easiest way to get spider venom is to find the venom glands. Then either cut those out (since it's a big spider) or peirce them with the knife and drain the fluids into a bottle.

Thinking about it, you suddenly get an idea! You look more closely at the spider, hoping that the deal where you can see poison will show you where to find the venom glands. However, you see nothing. Taking your knife, you do a bit of digging, but still nothing. You figure it's probably a non-venomous spider.

T-bag the spider in a flurry of victory like any honorable warrior would.

Climbing on top of the spider carcass, you squat down repeatedly like a baws.

Treat your ankle if possible

See if we can treat the wooziness (if we still have that) and our ankle with something from the medkit.

Treat ankle,

Break one of your javs and use the wood as a splint because at this point you dont know how bad the damge is , Wrap your ankle with bandages or ripped fabric while applying the splint, then use your spear as a crutch.

You get your medkit out of the backpack and open it. Breaking the shaft of a javelin and getting some bandages from the kit, you use it to make a simple splint. Looking through the kit, you find a small bottle (one you didn't notice before) labeled 'General antidote, counteracts most poisons - drink to use.' With such straightforward instructions, you feel quite confident that you'll be able to use it. You take a swig, and throw away the empty bottle.

spider exoskeleton may be a good addition to our leather jerkin take some of that with me.

Getting your knife, you carve away the spider's exoskeleton. Some is ruined, but you get a few good pieces. You think you could use it to make some more armor. Nothing spectacular, but it could save your life one day.

Search for spider eggs and spiderlings, make sure to burn them all.

Burn everything that is spider-related.

Dont forget to light the remains and then do the dinasaur as a victory dance.

burn all spider related items that are not useful

Pouring a generous amount of butane on what's left of the spider, you light it up. Damn spiders. You have a look around to see if there's any other spidery things around, but you can't find anything. As you look around, however, you realize this is an excellent area in which to do the dinosaur. Taking a few steps away from the flames, you do the dinosaur as a victory dance.

You idly note that you seem to have lost the Lucky and Bacon! status effects while you weren't paying attention.

Curl into a ball and whimper in a corner.

Confident that the ordeal is over, you curl up in a corner and whimper for a while. You're not quite traumatized, but you remember reading on wikipedia something about stress hormones being washed out through tears. Might as well make sure you don't freak out later.

Find a nice peacful corner and take a well-earned dump since I don't beleive the guy has had one in the last few days, and see if we can make the spider our next meal.

Looking around for a moment, you decide that this corner is as good as any other. Pulling down your pants, you take care of your bodily waste in the traditional manner.

As you walk back to the charred carcass, you realize you could have tried making food out of it. Oh well, kind of late for that now. You'll just have to try again next time - if there is a next time. You hope not.

Moving on, you walk further into the dungeon, more carefully than before. You don't feel very confident about getting into another fight so soon.

You are wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, sturdy shoes, and simple boar hide torso protection with pockets taken from the jacket. On your back is the backpack you found with you when you woke up. Your current weapon is a primitive spear. You are somewhat tired. You are kind of hungry. You are pretty thirsty. You have (2) unspent skill point(s). You have an injured ankle.

Your current inventory:

* Backpack (open) containing:

* Refillable butane lighter (non-essential)

* Butane for refilling lighter (unlimited, non-essential)

* Pouch of tobacco (45g, non-essential)

* Pack of cigarette papers (45 papers, non-essential)

* Bottle of vodka (370ml, essential)

* Coil of rope (19.5m, essential)

* Hatchet (essential)

* Swiss Army Knife (essential)

* MRE packs (2 days’ worth, non-essential)

* Bottle of water (1l, essential)

* First-aid kit (closed, essential)

* Sewing kit (closed, non-essential)

* Thermos filled with water (0.5l, essential)

* Boar tusk

* Potions of See Poison (3)

* Health Potions (7)

* Empty Containers (4)

* Various old sheets

* Some vines

* Bunch of torches

* Bag the manticore gave you

* Spider exoskeleton

* Quiver containing:

* 11 primitive javelins

You currently have no positive status effects.

You currently have the following negative status effects:

* Nicotine addiction (minor)

* Rejected

What do you do?

Bag of loot and a strange dream

By the way what is in the bag the manticore gave him/me/us?

Check what's in the bag the manticore gave us.

The giant cooked spider corpse made you hungry, it was then that you decide to go through the bag the manticore gave you to look for some noms.

The smell of charred spider reminds you of the bag you got from the manticore. You don't know how the logical progression does that, but you don't see a reason to get caught up in details. Opening the bag, you discover this:

* Mystery Bag containing:

* Pack of Pop-Tarts (you smile upon this discovery; that's an excellent snack)

* Vitamin tablets (7, don't take more than one per day) (oh goody, you were getting worried that the primarily meat-based diet would lead to deficiencies)

* Magical lyre (you can cast any spells you know by playing the lyre, any spells cast in this manner have added precision if applicable)

You notice that the bag contained items that should not logically fit inside. Considering its powers to bend reality, you move some items from your backpack to the bag, hanging your bag on your belt. (Shut up, you have a belt.)

That should be useful for withdrawing items more quickly.

Head out of the dungeon, and head a safe distance away again to sleep.

Realizing you should probably take a day off to rest, you turn around and limp out of the dungeon. Your ankle doesn't seem broken, but it hurts to walk on it. Luckily, the stairs provide only slight difficulty. Getting back to where you rested last night, you see enough coal in the pit that you can easily start a fire. Luckily, it hasn't rained. You suddenly realize you should probably build some kind of semi-permanent shelter, or search to see if any previous incarnations of you did so in the area. Even if they didn't, you probably should in case you die. However, there are more urgent matters to attend to, such as you being hungry.

Eat and drink. Take nightcap for the stat boost.

Starting the fire, you take out an MRE pack from your inventory and peruse its contents. It contains some kind of canned meat. Not being fond of canned meat, you put that aside for now. It also contains some canned peaches, which you dig into eagerly. As you're eating (and drinking water), the wolf cub from before appears from the forest. Seeing as you have food it will like but you don't, you open the canned meat, walk a few meters towards the wolf (at an angle, not directly), and put it on the ground. With that done, you head back to your meal.

The wolf timidly approaches the can, then wolfs it down. You snicker at the terrible pun you just made, before you resume eating the peaches. You top the meal off with some Pop-Tarts. Looking up, you see that the meat can is empty and the wolf is gone. Suddenly, you get an idea! You take the two empty cans and throw them on the fire.

Sleep.

After a nightcap, you think you're ready for bed. You throw some more wood on the fire and curl up next to it.

Fun Fact: There are only two non-venemous spiders on Earth. Uloboridae which uses non-adhesive webs (so the guy didn't fight this one), and Holarchaeidae. Considering that if Holarchaeidae is the one we fought, that's just hilariously ironic since they only grow to be 1.5mm in length on Earth. All other spiders have venom which they use to paralyze the fly's they catch in their webs. A lot of spiders, however, have poison simply too weak in too little an amount transfered per bite to have much effect on us huge hulking humans. Comparing the size ratios of tank-to-human and spider-to-fly, should the spider have been venemous it would probably have enough to paralyze us if it bit; even if it was equipped with one of the weakest spider venoms on planet Earth. There is only one explanation. . . we fought an alien spider! *fangasms over story*

As you're falling asleep, you think back to that spider you fought earlier. It didn't have any venom. You vaguely remember someone telling you that all spiders except for one or two have venom, but most are too weak to even notice. With that in mind, the spider must have been some kind of alien spider.

You have gained a skill point.

Huh... Not much to do. So I guess, continue on after checking for traps/secret passageways. Repeat process every once in a while(I mean it's a dungeon for crying out loud). Also while moving forwards keep up a defensive stance so as to be ready for anything.

Head back into the dungeon and continue progressing, checking for traps and secret passageways as Doctor N said. To check for traps, throw our sticks in front of us as we go, and to check for secret passageways, knock on walls and listen for hollow sounds.

Search the dungeon again for anything useful. Search for hidden compartments.

Walking through the dungeon, you pass the charred spider corpse. You throw a few sticks around to check for traps, but there are none. You periodically knock on the walls to look for hidden passages. After what feels like an hour of walking, you hear something from the wall.

Take a swig of water and lead on. You idly wander how much water you have left and question that since your now in one of those survivor situations that you would have to drink your own piss like Bear Grylls. You may have to at some point so you get the stupid idea to pull down your pants and fill an empty container with piss. You idly thank Bear Grylls and all his adventures because now you know what to do.

You take a swig of water, then remember watching Bear Grylls on TV not long before you appeared here. Taking a page out of his book, you drain the rest of the water in your bottle and piss in it. With that done, you feel around the wall for some kind of switch. You hear a faint 'click' and the wall slides to the side.

You find your path blocked by a shit ton of webs, you set it alight then shatter the brittle stuff like glass before walking into a room filled with what seems like giant spider eggs. The giant spider you just killed may have just been the mother. Or so you hope because if that was the dad, you would hate to see the mom because what you can recall bout spiders is that the female is like 3 to 4x bigger

The passage is blocked by a metric fuckton of spider webs. Remembering what happened last time, you point your finger at the webs and release a lance of fire from it. The path has been cleared. Walking on, more wary this time, you enter a large room. Webs and spider eggs cover the floor and walls. That spider you killed must have been the mother. Or at least you hope so, you wouldn't want to fight a mother protecting her eggs, that'd be dangerous.

It was this scene that made you remember that movie "Eight Legged Freaks". You dredge up the old movie to remember how people killed the fuckers and recall a scene where spiders have really strong sense of smell (you know the scene where that guy fucked up its senses by spraying perfume in its face) It was this thought that you now have a secret weapon to fight giant fucking spiders aka *The Bear Grylls Special* just throw it at its face and watch what happens. Well you wouldnt watch what happens, you would stab the bloody thing to next tuesday.

With memories of that one movie you watched that one time, you withdraw your Bear Grylls Special for use as a biological weapon. You look around warily for giant spiders, and make sure to also look up.

You idly wander what spider eggs taste like... Should you havrvest them or burn them? You also remember that spider web is apparently as strong as steel. You dont know if this is true but it sounds promising. it was with this idea that you try to harvest some spider web and see if you cant make some spider rope later.

While you ponder what to do with the eggs, a giant spider slightly smaller than the one you fought before appears from somewhere. Might have been hammerspace for all you know. You throw your biological weapon at it and charge, stabbing it repeatedly with your spear while it's stunned by the smell of biological waste products. It's pretty dead now.

Jeeze tv shows and movies are giving you alot of ideas. Remembering that this was meant to be a video game, you not so discreatly try your favorite Thu'um from skyrim.(FUS RO DA).

Come to think of it, if this is a game you should try things from games you've played before. With that in mind, you shout with all your might, "YOL-TOOR-SHUL!"

A torrent of flames spew forth from your mouth, burning all the webs and eggs and illuminating the whole room. You're pretty sure by now that nothing remains alive in this room.

You wake up to a scream. Somewhat disoriented from that strange dream, you grab a carton of orange juice you didn't notice was in the MRE pack yesterday and move to investigate while sipping up that sweet vitamin C. I mean sour vitamin C. It's an acid, after all.

Not gonna investigate? Oh well.

Attempt 'Song of Storms' on the Lyre.

You pick up the lyre. As you are about to try playing, you realize there are more pressing matters to attend to. Like that scream you heard. Usually, that's restricted to sapient beings. You should really go see what that was. Do you really want to have the death of a sapient being on your conscience? A boar or spider is one thing, but something with human-like vocal chords might very well be sapient - if not actually human!

Magical lyre? Played legend of Zelda? Ok... Try song of healing (I know this is in one of those games) try to heal ankle. Afterwards (or in the morning) go back into the dungeon (still checking for traps) and explore more. If possible take a piece of flat bark and a stick of charcoal and try to map out the dungeon as you trave through it putting in points of interest such as where you found the manticore, where you fought the spider, and any secret passageways you find.

Yes, you've played Legend of Zelda. No, you do not have time to fiddle around with the lyre when a sapient being is in trouble and you're the protagonist. Go out there and protagonize, damn it!

You played that series so many times, that you memorised the songs key by key just like the ones from majora and OOT.  You should see if those time songs would work if song of time doesnt.

So you did, but you still don't know how to play the lyre - you did those on the ocarina, remember? You don't even know what sounds the strings will make when you pluck the strings. Will you have to tune it? All you know about lyres can be summed up in one sentence; They are from Ancient Greece.

Question is, do you even know how to play the lyre? you should prob start practicing, or head to the library and check for books about music such as "Lyres for dummies". The only real idea you have so far since you have no one to teach you.

You suddenly get an idea! There must be some books about music in the library. You'll go check it out after you've investigated the screams.

I just realized that the protagonist just went to investigate screams while armed with a carton of orange juice. He needs to double back and get some spears at least (unless he sleeps with his bag on), or unless he wants to have a badass bare-fisted brawl despite zero skill pts in unarmed.

Realizing you're armed with naught but a carton of OJ, you pick up your spear and bring it with you. It's a really nice spear, all things considered. It's your preshuss...

Your spear has leveled up!

You have gained: Primitive Spear (soulbond)

Soulbond

A soulbond item will magically return to you while you sleep. All intact starting items have a quasi-soulbond attribute.

Upon waking, eat/drink again, and make what armor we can out of the spider exoskeleton if possible.

Deciding the scream was probably some forest critter or something, you decide to move on to the next order of business. You're not hungry, and you just had yourself some OJ, so you sit down and start producing spider armor. You already have something for your torso, so you make this for your legs. It's terrible craftsmanship, but it'll protect you. Your balls are safe, yeah!

Grab a bunch of sticks for trap finding.

You collect a large amount of sticks and bundle them up in the sheets to make them easier to carry. You hear another scream, but you've already decided it's probably a squirrel or something. I don't know, you're the one who decided to ignore it.

Head back into the dungeon and continue progressing, checking for traps and secret passageways as Doctor N said. To check for traps, throw our sticks in front of us as we go, and to check for secret passageways, knock on walls and listen for hollow sounds.

On your way back to the dungeon, you take note of some bits of meat and cyan fur, as well as some light blue and white hair spread around in the area. It looks pretty fresh. Probably killed within the hour.

Heading back down, you quickly pass the manticore and spider rooms. You get your sticks and throw them around randomly, checking for traps. There don't seem to be any nearby. You also use your spear to knock on the walls, but you don't find anything noteworthy. After a long while of walking, you arrive in a large, circular room. The door you entered through slams shut. You're trapped!

You're pretty sure you're about to enter a boss battle.

What do you do?

Lame Mortal Kombat Reference

Welp sorry trixie. Anyhoo... Yay boss fight, notice the sarcasm dripping from my text... So, yeah prepare all weapons light torch spear on fire prep throwing spear and upon seeing opponent look for any weak points such as unarmored stomaches backs or faces. If thing has scales or skin use spear to cut. If exoskeleton or other armor use spear to bludgeon if furred use spear to burn. If a pony try to reason first. If dragon your f*ucked. If a unicorn or other hostile w/ magic then use whatever magic you have and get as close as possible and poke it with spear. That is all the advice I have.

Also if we can train ourselves with our soul bound weapon. Then (this is a theory I came up with for D&D) we should be able to throw it and then call it back to our hand afterwards. Also according to D&D if your soul bound weapon breaks you can take a piece of it and recreate your weapon from that shard (also destroying all other existing shards in the proses).

Preparing your spear with the flames of doom, you look around warily for signs of any living creature. While waiting, you start an inner monologue that goes approximately as follows.

You've played a few games in the past. Soulbound weapons aren't a completely unfamiliar concept. If you get this return ability down, you could perhaps activate it at will, throwing it and calling it back soon after. Of course, this would leave open wounds in the enemy, which means more bleeding and more damage. An excellent idea, if you do say so yourself. And you also remember something about remaking soulbound items from a shard. You're a bit fuzzy on that bit, though.

You can clearly say that you are not a morning person....

You awake to a scream and the first thing that runs through your mind is "oh i gots a harp, lets try play zelda songs on it."even though they are done on an ocarena and you cant play for shit.  Even when you go to investigate, alls you arm youself with at first is some orange juice. Hell you woke up with your pants on inside out, you dont know how you accomplished that, you slept with all your clothes  on and in perfect order.

you remember your priority was to create a bloody cup out of exoskeleton instead of picking up the pace and picking up a bunch of sticks. What the fuck were you thinking??? Serously need some coffee.

NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ENTERED THE FUCKING BOSS ROOM WITHOUT USING YOUR GOD DAMN SKILL POINTS, WTF ARE YOU THINKING!?! AND NOW INSTEAD OF GETTING BEHIND SOME FUCKING COVER , YOUR LISTNING TO A BUNCH OF FUCKING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD.

It was that that made you snape out of your stupor and take in your surroundings while whispering quietly to yourself "Dear got im fucking Schizophrenic".

[You have gained status effect: Schizoprhenia; it seems the stress and issolation has finally taken its toll on your mental wellbieng and you now hear voices in your head. Enjoy]

Continuing your monologue, you conclude that you're not exactly a morning person. Waking up to a scream, your first thought was on your fancy harp and playing Zelda songs on it instead of investigating. Then you go investigate possible combat, armed with orange juice. Awesome weapon there. You even woke up with your pants inside out, and you know you went to bed with your pants on properly! You seriously need to get some coffee or you'll get killed twice while sleeping.

Also, why'd you keep dungeoneering without using those skill points? What were you thinking? And now, instead of hiding, you're listiening to voices in your head... Wait... I thought this was an inner monologue? What are you doing here? Hey, I'm just along for the ride, calm down! The fuck?

You whisper quietly to yourself, "Oh shit, I've gone schizo!"

[You have gained status effect: Schizophrenia; it seems the stress and isolation has finally taken its toll on your mental wellbeing and you now have a snarky narrator in your head. Awesome.]

I laughed so hard in the beginning.  It reminded me of all too many scenarios of D&D I've seen.

[Yes, I now understand how my DM feels...]

Okay, so boss fight. The first thing the protagonist ought to do is beat on his chest ala King Kong style, complete with the best roaring sound he can make and then. . . I dunno, it's hard to tell what to do when we don't know what we're fighting. Set primary spear on fire, ready javelin for throwing. Get ready to dive in any direction.

Ooh, I know! Regardless of whatever it is, stab it to death while yelling in it's face. Leave the badass one-liner for when everybody in the room besides the protagonist is dead. If we can't make a clever pun, say the sentence "I spear you. Ha!" If the thing bleeds, then bathe in its blood.

Please let us try to kill a pony!

Getting an idea, you beat your chest and let out a manly roar! That'll intimidate the boss for sure! You look around, checking if it worked. Suddenly, the gate on the other side of the room - the one you strangely did not notice before despite it being three times your size - creaks open slowly. Out of the darkness walks a short, fat, blond guy wearing a white suit and a black belt.

He bows to you and introduces himself as Cilindric the German. To pass this gate, you must defeat him.

You hear the voice in your head comment, "Man, how did he ever get to be a boss?"

Boss fight... Boss fight... I know!!!

Retroactively read the library on anything in the dungeons of the castle. If it's not too late to spend skills, get condensation.

Also, try the "save" command.

You're not in a position to read things retroactively.

You can't do that yet.

What do you do?

Something

say "please kind sir can i please pass?"

With a slight bow, you beg Cylindric, "Please kind sir, may I pass?"

Cylindric strokes his mustache for a moment, "Ich kann nicht allow zat. Mein apologies."

Ask the snarky narrator if he can analyze Cilindric the German to see what skills he has, other than the obvious martial arts skills. Also keep away from him as much as possible. Do not give him any weapons to use. (That means no throwing spears at him!) try to use fire to burn him.

Side note: can we upgrade schizophrenia to multiple personality disorder and have multiple perspectives on a single problem. And perhaps have one be good w/ melee, one good w/ magic, and the original (us).?

***NOTE: Yes, you can. If you do it right.***

Your suprised to see another human, too bad you have to fight him. The snarky narrator on your head in your head really couldnt help but comment.

"DAS A HUUUUUUUUGE BITCH!!!, Get your spear ready, time to gut us a whale.

*Sigh*... 'seroulsy, im gonna have put up with you? Why are you bieng such an ass?'

"Im only trying to help you, you bloody poojabber."

' Telling me to whale him isnt very helpful, and what is a poojabber?'

"it means buttfucker you dumbass poojabber. You could try to bribe him with some food, the guy looks like a viking version of Homer Simpson"

*Pinches bridge of nose and sighs* 'He just said i have to best him in mortal combat more or less, i doubt bribing him will work.'

" I don't see you comming up with any ideas. How about this,throw some food on the ground, and when he's busy stuffing his face, you shove a flamming spear up his fat ass"

For a second you actually considered that idea, but you doubt it would work, and your stupid enough for thinking it would. It would likely just piss him off for insinuating he would fall for it. If it wasn't enough that you have to deal with him, the dumb ass started Guile's Theme in your head.

"What?!? Can't have a boss battle without music. Don't like it? try this then."

The snarky narrator comments, "His blubber means less agility, but his lack of size makes up for it. As any dimwit could tell, he's got martial arts skills, and I would imagine he's a rather defensive combatant. Now get your harpoons ready, we're going whaling!"

You sigh in exasperation, 'Seriously, why do I have to put up with such an ass for my split personality? Couldn't I have gotten something sexy instead?'

"I'm only trying to help you, buttfucker. Bribe him with food, he looks like he's the bastard son of Gluttony from FMA and Tordenskjold."

'He basically said we need to fight to the death. I don't think bribes will convince him otherwise.'

"Hey, you come up with something better. How about this, throw some food in front of him, and while he's busy stuffing his face you light the blubber on fire."

For a second, you consider the idea, but as you concluded earlier it's probably not going to work.

So what clearly is a human, and furthermore a German just walked into the room? We're hallucinating, nuff said. The trick is to figure out to what extent we're hallucinating. It's funny because he introduced himself without dialog, and we're schizophrenic (whoever came up with this is a genius, I love it). So he might not have actually spoken.

Try to get him to talk. If he makes an animal sound, then he is might be that animal. If he makes no sound, he could be something silent, or a figment of our imagination. Doesn't hurt to hurl your javelin at it anyways to see what good it will do. Actually, don't give him your weapon, but prod him if you can. Throw the javelin, then call it back with the soul bind without prior training just to see if it will work 'cause that's how we roll. FUS RO yaying his flank might make us seem like we hit him, but without the added resistance behind a spear jab, it could all be in our head. Also, if he does speak with dialog, it could still be all in our head; but if it is, we're off the deep end anyways, so we can afford to ride the madness at this point.

One last thing, try the door. Sure, it slammed shut. Doesn't mean it's locked.

At this point, you suspect you may be hallucinating. Another human, you're not sure if that's very likely, but given the power the admins seem to have, you suppose it's possible.

Getting an idea, you turn around and try the door. It's shut, but not locked - you could easily open it. There is a way out, apparently. Your snarky narrator speaks up, "This guy seems to be the stupid honorable kind - even if you don't defeat him, he'll probably let you live. You can always go back and spend points to get an advantage."

(treating this action as if it were a D&D session, translate it into an actual action if that doesn't sit well with you) Roll to check the arena for any advantageous items or locations: *rolls 1d20 for each, one for locations, one for items*: 14 for locations,16 for items. Do what you will for that.

Also, start up a conversation with that guy to stall as well as try and find any mental weaknesses. If you find any, one of the past versions of you that may have come here might have left a clue for you. This could be useful to exploit in the upcoming fight.

Say to the man "So. I have to best you in combat. In any case, before we begin, who died out in that hallway? Cyan fur, blue and white hair?"

After he explains, say "In order for me to fight you, you must first answer the following question correctly; The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. To that phrase, what is the correct response. If he says "Agreed" or something to that effect, fight him, and try NOT to kill him. Anything else, fight him and kill him. In a less than pleasant manner. When done, have a cigarette, let your conscience get the best of you, telling you then proceed to investigate the screams. Too human to be an animal. Upon finding the screaming being in danger, rescue them.

Looking around, you try to find anything that may benefit you. The room is large and circular, with a ceiling pretty high up. There's plenty of room for maneuvering, and the floor feels slightly padded, like those foam mats they tend to use for martial arts these days. There are no items or places to hide.

Stalling, you ask the man, "I have to best you in combat, yes? In any case, I was wondering, do you have any idea who died outside? Cyan fur, blue and white hair?"

Cylindrix shakes his head, "Ich bin truly sorry für ze loss of anozzer life, aber ich know nicht who it vas."

Getting an idea to check if you're hallucinating or not, you say to Cylindrix, "Before we can fight, I must present you with a riddle. The following statement is true. The previous statement was false. What is the correct answer?"

Chuckling a bit, Cylindrix responds, "Ze druid vould call zat a paradox. I sense du feel nicht ready für this fight. Vish du to come back later?

What do you do?

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